BPDFamily.com

Ok... past month for my BPD wife has been... .I cannot even describe.

In the past month, her mother went in for a fairly routine operation for cancer that went badly and now her mother is on hospice, but at home with no nurses or help because insurance will not help.  In 2 weeks time she went from walking to not being able to be on a walker and not knowing where she is at, but still wandering and up all night.  She cannot eat though and cannot drink much of anything.  This requires my wife there 24/7 now

which leads to next problem

my wife lost her job as a result of this.  This is a tremendous blow to her and basically to our financial family as we have no way to combat the loss of her income and now having to basically care for her mother too.  Still my wife cannot sleep nor anything because she is 24/7 with her mother...

the loss of job leads to another problem

apparantly my wife's best friend's husband was trying to get a job at my wife's business and did not get it or something happened.  We get no explanation, but my wife's best friend and her confidant now refuses to speak to her when my wife needs somebody to talk to

on top of all of this

the same week my mother in law went in for surgery, my wife's father had to go the hospital for triple bypass and valve replacement.  Since the surgery its been constant problems like blood clots, shortness of breath, inability to move suddenly, etc.  He now needs constant help and my wife's sister is trying to help but she doesnt want to lose her job too.  The result is my wife is having the life sucked out of her.

The first two weeks of this, my wife did the best I have ever seen her.  I was terrified the backlash i would get from all of this stress, but she processed it well, she didnt get mad at boss nor friend, nor anyone else.  She expresses sorrow at loss and processed emotions well.  She was kind to me and loving.

During that time though things have gotten so much worse for them.  Not to mention other things... her parent's dog had to be put down, her sister who was helping her dog appears to be paralyzed now from slipped disc and going to have to be put down, our dog is ill.  One kid is getting in trouble at school while the other is basically disappearing from house when we not there caring for parents.  Her father lost his job in August and cannot get on social security until first but his old job has his insurance all screwed up so there is that.  My car stopped being able to take gas, but no time to get it looked at... my wife's health insurance was canceled at end of month cause of Obama rules...

just everything is overhwelming.  I am a single father basically now having to also help with my wife's stuff.  She is so worn out that she cannot think straight and when she asked her step-brother/sister to come help or at least call their father who is sick, they blasted her and refused.

She is in over her head and doctors are not doing anything but screwing things up.  She is starting to come unglued and its blasting me now over past couple of days.  I do not know what to do here...   I cannot imagine i would hold up if roles are reversed because I can barely keep it together myself with my part

Oh man, it does sound really tough on you.   

My only advice is what they say on airplanes. "Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others."

Take care of yourself first. That means not sticking around to be blasted (much if at all!) by your wife.

If you fall apart and lose your own job, it will be worse for whole family.

You pretty much know your wife is going to fall apart under the stress, sooner or later. You can't stop that from happening. You can keep yourself and your kids from getting crushed when the crap starts to fly.

Hang in there. You really are a lot stronger than you know.

 GK

our dog seems to be sick... been lethargic past 36 hours.  I said i would take her to vet and leave work a couple of hours early today.  should i go take her now?

You know what is the right thing to do to take care of your dog (and I don't!). You know what will happen to you at work if you leave early to take care of your dog, and know what (if anything) you need to do to make up for leaving early. (And I don't know that either!)

Just do the right thing.

every time i try and call or see what i can do i get a short remark... I ask how her father is.

she texts back a response but im on other line and gets mad i didnt respond back fast enough

her father is in hospital again now with pneumonia.

I ask how they missed that since he was there just the other day.  She responds back that how she should know.  she isnt a doctor.

just constant hostility to me.

I had to sit and work up the courage to check on her because i am so scared of her responses.  I know she is going through more than anyone in know right now, so i can understand frustration, but what about me?

Should i put up with that sort of meanness and hostility?  The sarcasm and just anger...

I am just about ready to run just as she is.  She is running because this is overwhelming.  I am ready to run solely because of her.  At this time though... do i run when she is going through this.  how do i protect myself in this and not let her down too?

I want to turn my phone off and ignore her, but who knows if its an emergency so i leave it on just getting hurled at...

  It sounds like one 'good' thing is that she's not spending a lot of time talking to you, so you don't get blasted with rage or abuse.

If you get a short remark, and the conversation ends anyhow, or moves on to another topic, it is probably best to just let it go.

I am going to caution you a bit about invalidation--I see some things you described here that are a touch invalidating, which adds fuel to the fires of mental illness.


There's nothing anybody could do about this NOW, so it is an invalidating question. Asking how she missed it would be far worse than asking how 'they' missed it.

If you say something and she immediately snaps about it like her response to this, it is a cue to (at least later) think about whether what you said was invalidating... .or whether you could have said something more validating instead.


If you have to choose between protecting yourself and helping her, protect yourself.

The other thing to remember is that supporting her is NOT the same as doing everything exactly as she demands it of you. That's often impossible, and trying to do it can be self-destructive to you.

 It really is a tough situation.

I am dying here.  This is exactly like seeing a wounded animal.  I see her hurting and know that if I try and help, I will get no credit and will be bitten. 

Last night I took the dog to the vet, I did not know what the dogs history at the vet was because I had never taken her.  The vet did not have all the info so I called my wife who kept blasting me as being inept and not able to handle anything. 

She never thanked me and just kept being absolutely mean to me.  just mean.  Just cause she is not there does not mean she doesnt text me 100 times angry and I cannot turn my phone off because what if emergency with parents?

It gets worse because her father goes to ICU yesterday with Renal failure.  Apparantly from what I have read, it is not uncommon after aortic valve replacement.

I am breaking her.  I cannot handle forcing myself to help her knowing that she will bite my head off.  Its pure abuse.  Do I tell her if this continues, I will not be apart of this and leave?  I mean she is going through all of this that is immense...

How do I protect myself and still be there?  Is it possible?

Also, how serious a mistake is this...

last night I went to get food for my son and myself.  My wife stated she did not want anything.  I still got her a burger and placed it in microwave to keep warm in case she changed her mind.  Before bed, I was cleaning up kitchen and forgot about it... This morning she gets up wanting it and i apologize saying I had screwed up and forgotten it in the micro.  She is not happy...

I mean she never wanted anything to begin with and when I told her I had gotten her something anyways, she said "i told you i didnt want anything".  If i had done nothing she might call me selfish... so did I just screw up?  Is it excusable?

I have no perception anymore on what is normal and abnormal behavior.  What is her being overly critical and me screwing up...

Its been so long, I just do not know.  I know how I would react, but we are all different and I put up with alot from alot of people

You are all in a terrible situation and there is not much to do except keep going. Anyone at all might have the same kind of response as your wife right now, it's not necessarily to do with BPD. Close your ears to criticism, say to yourself, it's only her way of letting of steam in this terrible situation. You know you are doing your best. And that is what matters. Shout out on here, complain, whatever, and know that in that way you are keeping the both of you above water. Let her rant. You rant here. Some situations are just more than anyone can cope with reasonably. You have understanding and support here... .you are the strong one.

its just getting harder and harder... she is so verbally abusive and mean.  Nice to everyone else though...

Now the kids are all pissed off cause mom is never around and I am having to do EVERYTHING.  Now I have sick dogs and trying to handle that... .

now the kids are pissed wanting to do stuff and I have no way to monitor them cause I am doing so much other crap.  Everyone is coming down on me.  Honestly, I would rather not wake up from dealing with all of this.  Everyone is heaping their troubles on me and I am solving as best I can, but everyone still hates me

Did you screw up?

I'd say not on the important things.

You were thinking kindly of her when you bought the burger. No screw up there. If you had got nothing when she asked for nothing, that wouldn't be a screw up either. She put you in a difficult situation, and you made the best choice you could at the time.

You forgot about it overnight. Yeah, that was a teensy-tiny screwup. Not one worth blowing up over.

I'd say your biggest screwup was in staying in the room when she started ripping you a new one over this.

 You are falling apart, and your kids and dogs need you to hold it together. You can't afford to let yourself be verbally abused right now--you just don't have enough spare strength to waste any that way.

OK... .please go back up several entries... and ready Grey's advice.  PUT ON YOUR MASK... .

Then... .the only help you need to give others... .is to hand them their mask.  Maybe make sure it is on... .then leave them to solve their own issues.

If you stop solving peoples issues... .they will eventually stop heaping them on you.

If they don't like you before the heaping... .and they don't like the way you are solving... .and they don't like you after you decide not to help with their problems... .then... .don't worry about it.

The "constant" is that they don't like you... .the variable is how much abuse you put up with and how much work you do for others.

Let you kids know what they need to do.  DO NOT do it for them.  That is general advice... .tell me ages and other info... .but generally... .stop solving their stuff... .let them solve their own.  Be a mentor... .not a solver.

   

Tough situation... .hang in there...

one problem that complicates things is when kids screw up... my wife goes "they were under your watch, you were not being a parent"

so then a fight is over that... so then my kids screw ups become my fault...

Don't lose sight of the ball here.

She can turn ANYTHING into your fault and pick a fight over it.

The problem isn't what you did or didn't do with the kids.

Half the problem is that she needs to pick a fight with you.

The other half of the problem is that you let her and stick around to participate in that fight.

Solve THAT problem (working your half is enough!) and you will be fine.

Only then can you address any real problems in parenting with her.

Focus on this... .Grey Kitty has nailed it.

What do you think is a good way to deal with your wife blaming you for kids actions... .?

Write out a typical back and forth... .but put in your "new" responses and actions.

alright...

her mother and father have both died this past week.  The first night she stayed with her sister.  The second night she was completely manic.  telling me she loves me but she stays up the whole night working on the yard cause the only compliment she ever got from her dad was her yard was nice.  The next morning, I ask if she wants me there, and she says to go to work.  When I am about to get off one job, she calls blasting me for not being home with her.  The past 48 hours hell has ensued.  

My mother has been nice to her but nuts too.  So that hasnt helped.  None of my wife's supposed friends have said sorry or they will be to the funeral.  My wife feels all alone and without a job or anything.  I have just been yelled at for not caring or having any future.  She calls me names, curses at me, calls me a pussy.  Constantly pointing out my failures.  For instance, Friday, I went to the grocery picked up some stuff.  That night at 11 pm she wanted some more stuff for doing the lawn.  I was trying to eat dinner finally, but instead I went to get it all.  she had told me a list, I did not right it down.  I tried texted did she mean just 5 lawn bags?  I picked up extras i know she had wanted too like starter logs and other stuff

Next day she blasts me for not getting 5 packs of 5 lawn bags.  I tried asking there

I went and got other things she needed Saturday without prompting.

Last night she said she wanted this stuff for food and all.  I pull up to the grocery and she is already demanding if i am done yet that she doesnt want to be alone.  I am trying to quickly get though and she texts me 3 more times.  I get all teh food then get over to get our son subway like he wanted.  I get home ASAP.  I forget the Capri Suns.  I was trying to get everything and dog treats that she had mentioned couple of days ago.  I was being rushed and scared by her.  

She just calls and blasts me about Capri suns.  I try calling her therapist telling how I am worried about S.  How in days since death she went to an ex friends house and yelled after they had asked me for weeks to stay away.  They notify us they called the police on us as I tried to get S. away.  I tell how my wife hasnt eaten anything she hasnt thrown up in over a week and is only drinking and taking xanax... The therapist just says call 911 but leave her alone...

I finally told my wife and I meant it... I would rather my own parents die than deal with this abuse she is putting me through.  I would rather my parents die than hers.  I would rather die than any of them die.  I ___ing cannot do that to the kids now, but this is my idea of hell.  I wake up from nightmares and am more scared and depressed waking up than I am in a nightmare where monsters want to kill me

 

HH,

Tell me about your support system?  And the support system for your family?

I'm hoping you have a T you can go work through this with... .

Hang in there... .

We're dealing with a death in our family as well.  That is stressing my wife out bigtime... .and that is my guess at the source of her major dysregulation this morning.

I am sure it is, but in past 6 weeks my wife has lost both parents, her job, and inexplicably her best friend.  Still no clue what happened.  She was friends with us both and her husband was friends with me and neither will respond to either of us.  We know she was also friends with my wife's boss so who knows.  With no friends, and only one sister left my wife has nobody.  Her sister btw basically is just "suck it up, you have to deal with it" so sort of compassion at all.

my support system is non existant.  My psychiatrist is on holidays, and my family is messed up.  My mother is trying to be nice to my wife, but at same time my mother is drinking too much and keeps moving everything to herself or making things worse for me.  I am alone on this.  No support.  My wife's only support is me which is to take out her rage and anxiety on.  

She talks about running aaway from us all.  Honestly, I feel like running away.  I am sorry, maybe its selfish, I know the sadness and shame she feels is horrible, but the fear I feel... I do not want to run away.  I do not want to exist

If God said I could have anything for Christmas, it would be that I never existed.  That way I am out of all of this and nobody has to suffer as a result of me being gone.  This is horrific.  I suppose being in a cage being tortured would be worse, but as far as mentally tortured... I cannot imagine anything worse.  

This board here is the ONLY support I have.  My wife has nothing apparantly or is so messed up... I do not know who is wrong... me or her or both anymore

Hi hurthusband,

I'm going to focus on a positive first, you are posting and we can all hear you, and you have identified this forum as an important means of support for you. Keep on posting ok  |iiii

I can hear that you sound confused, upset and really overwhelmed by all that is happening, add in the time of year and emotions are understandably running high. So as ff and gk have already said focus on yourself and your immediate needs. Nothing else matters in the short term apart from looking after you. What is there around you that will help, you said your P is away can you contact your family doctor, I live in the UK that is what I would start with if I was faced with how you are feeling. We also have an organisation here in the UK called the Samaritans that anyone can phone and talk to someone 24/7 365 days a year. Do you have something similar that you can access? Talking through feelings that are overwhelming can really help.

Keep posting hurthusband, break down into small manageable chunks your day and night. Take things super slow, try not to involve yourself in anyone else's issues, just focus on you. Let us know how you are over the next few days ok ?

its hard cause what excuse do i have... my parents are not dead.  Am i weak?  I do not know here.  I know feel abused.  I just do not know whats going on

Hurthusband you don't need an excuse to feel sad and emotionally overwhelmed by all this. No you are most definitely not weak and being on the receiving end of dysregulation can be really abusive, it took me many years to realise that I didn't have to absorb it or sort it.

Try not to feel as though you have to understand or sort through things at the moment, pay attention to what is possible for you in the short-term. Just getting through little bits of time is enough for the moment.

It's 2040hrs here in the UK my s6 has just gone to bed and my h is currently in silent mode. What are your plans for the rest of today and tomorrow?

hurthusband - it's not selfishness. it's self-preservation. there's 180 degrees of difference between those things. keep in mind what sweetheart said:


there is no rubric on earth under which anyone deserves abusive treatment. whatever the cause, you do not have to acquiesce in it.

certainly you're in a stressful position for the next days. what is the timetable?

 You are abused.

 You are confused.

 You are lost.

 You are exhausted.

I wouldn't say you are weak, but I would say that you have used almost all your strength.

Accept that your wife will blow up at you because that is what she does. Either you did too much, or you did too little. Either you didn't go out and do something, or you were away. If she NEEDS to find fault and blame you, she will find a way to do this. NOTHING you can do will stop her from blaming you.

All you can do is refuse to be yelled at about it.

its just so much... then on top of everything... i just had to drop pretty much everything left i had on credit cards to cover the burial of her step father.  also turns out that behind her mother's back, he tried to forge a will that cut out alot of her inheritance.  which I am not too surprised because from what I heard... when her real father died the money left to her in trust, he used to start a business.  I know the estate will reimburse me but I have in 2 weeks my quarterly IRS payments which are massive being self employed and I do not have the funds.  I literally do not know how to feed my family McDonald's at this point which is humorous making 6 figures (well not so much when over 25% of your income goes to medical bills each year).  I do not know the whole facts of it all... i just know that at the moment. I am now for the first time in my life absolutely broke, my family is a mess, my job is a mess, kids are a mess... i am just trying to keep things together and i just cannot.  

I honestly cannot hold this all together.  It is not in my power to, but if I do not, too many people are hurt.  I pray and pray and pray, but I need a miracle fast

    My prayers are with you too, hh.

So don't hold it together!  Let it fall apart and tumble around you, just for a little while.  You have my permission.

I hear you needing a break from having to shoulder so much.  It's too much for anyone to carry.  Something good and fun and simple needs to occupy your mind for a while.  The pile will be there when you get back, and you will have more strength to deal with all of it.  But for just a little while, let the chips fall.

 

And if you can't do it for you, than do it for those you love.  What makes you stronger, makes them stronger.      just my two cents 

c.

We are here to support you,.  It may feel like you are alone, but we are here, we hear you and we want nothing but good for you and your family. 

Let's figure out what your next step is.

Thanks all

I did finally just break down and let my wife know that while I understand what she is going through is unimaginable, I have alot of weight on me through this and how she is treating me is mentally changing me into nothing.

She actually started validating and basically using SET on me which I recognized as her using her therapy tools

Nice talk on everything

  I'm so glad to hear you got some support from your wife. These flashes can make such a difference.

Hang in there... .and take care of yourself, as best you can. The stronger you are, the more you can support your family.   

hh, you do have a lot on your shoulders.  I haven’t seen all of your posts here, and I’m kind of late commenting, but I can tell that you’re trying to run a business and trying to take care of a household basically on your own while there are three able-bodied people in the house who could help.  I know exactly how it feels to have a full time job plus a part time job, take care of a home and kids, worry about taxes that are due, worry about debt, wonder how you will pay the bills, and wonder how your will feed your family even though you have a good income.  There have been many times that I have felt that I am on my own with nonexistent support. 

If the money isn’t available from the estate by the time your taxes are due, you can contact the IRS to let them know your situation.  It won’t be the first time they’ve heard reasons that funds are not available for quarterly taxes.  (Been there.)  I did not have any difficulty working out a reasonable plan with them.  You may be able to get an extension without a penalty.  (Done that.)

Sometimes when things get overwhelming, it can help to just sit for a while and be still and think.  Just as in business you need to have a plan, when it comes to all of the things that have to be done at home, you need to have a plan as well.  I can promise you that things do go smoother, you will be less stressed, and you can save a lot of money if you have a plan. 

If you haven’t already, decide what daily responsibilities your sons are able to take care of, talk with them about the situation (could they single-handedly run your business and do everything you are trying to do at home too?) and assign them tasks that will be their daily/weekly responsibilities and write them down.  Tell them you want them to do their jobs without having to be asked.  They’re old enough to understand that all of this is very difficult for one person to do. 

For meals, having a plan for the week will relieve a lot of stress.  It will be worth the time it takes. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.  Keep on hand simple, healthy breakfast and lunch items that the boys can prepare on their own.   For supper, plan out the meals for the week starting with what you have on hand already.  A simple meat and two vegetables is plenty.  Plan each night’s meal in detail.  Type up a blank categorized grocery list (produce, frozen, dairy, canned, etc., save it to your computer, and print it out.  It will help you to be organized when you write down the foods that you need to buy.  It will also help you save time in the store.  Try aiming for one trip to the store a week.  That will save you a lot of time too.  Keep that categorized list on the refrigerator and tell everyone when they eat/drink the last of something, put it on the list under the right category.

Allow yourself to have some boundaries and enforce them.  You don’t have to stand around and listen to the verbal abuse.

Hi, HH.  So good to hear you opened up about your own feelings.   

It is totally your right to do so!

You likely already know this, but her tools are your tools too.  You can use the same techniques to express yourself, and there are lots of other tips in the Lessons at the right of this page. 

Blessing to you for 2015!

c.

The tools on my wife rarely work.  She is so angry and sees through alot of it.

Last night she was angry I was not home earlier (i came home an hour early from work) and felt alone.  She wanted to take our son to the movies so I had gotten tickets and everything during the day.  The whole thing was a nightmare at theater.  It was one where they serve dinner and they kept messing things up.  She of course said I did not care about them or I would have asked how dinner was instead of just eating mine.  I mean she had already talked to the manager twice and i had talked with the waiter 3 times.  I just was terrified during whole movie.  At 9 pm she is demanding I take off work today... I took off work Wednesday.  Then she changes her mind cause last minute.  She has already called me asking if my mother is at work who happens to own this business.  Angry that she is not hear yet, but she has some stuff she is dealing with right now and I have already been on phone with her 30 minutes. 

Wife is pissed i worked 10 days after her parents died.  I have taken off many times in past 6 weeks to go to help her with parents in hospital and I have not worked a full regular week in 6 weeks.  I had already cut back by weeks 15% from a year ago going into this current period.  Meanwhile, she is upset if my mother does not contact her every day.  My mother is nervous about her too.  She keeps asking ALOT of my parents right now.  I am talking some serious things.  My mother spent the whole night with her the night before her mom died at hospice.  My mother is not mentally ideal health neither so my wife is upset when my mother messes up.  My mother is very nervous about my wife switching on her again.

Everyone sees my wife just drinking and taken pills while not really eating.  Everyone says stuff to me.  I have not accussed her of anything or said others see it, but I have let her know that her throat is probably sore from her throwing up and her stomach and mind have to feel bad from no nutrition and asked what I can do to help.

I am just so tired of it all.  I think part of reasons her friends abandoned her is she is soo needy.  I am exhausted.  I am terrified.  Its same pattern over and over and over.  I know it will keep happening over and over and over.  I am ready to say I am gone and its same reason everyone else left you.  You are too demanding and mean.  At same time, both parents died... .Honestly, if it wasnt for that fact I might.

I just am tired of fighting all her battles, fighting her, trying to do what I think is right which is apparantly never right.

I cannot really think things through now.  Nobody can feel bad anymore without her using the crutch her parents are both dead so its waaaay worse for her.  Honestly, I think the death of my parents and pain that would cause would be easier than the fear of living this life.  I would never want it to happen and I would face this fear and suffer than have that.  I really do want to just go to sleep and not wake up.  It is frustrating to hear my mother also complain about her life.  I do not say anything, but she will compare it to mine which is frustrating because I have dead in laws, crazy wife, and am broke.  She has siblings fighting over money and a daughter that fights her alot over grandchild, but my mom is trying to control her at same time.

To me her stresses over how much money she will have with is still enormous is not the same as mine which are trying to figure how to put food on the table tonight and not get pistol whipped by my wife.

We each have our problems though.  I cannot say that I feel worse than her.  There are people in the world who have it worse off than me too. 

I honestly would like to be in a mental hospital at this point for a bit, for the rest and peace, but it doesnt change leaving and finding things worse than when i left.

That is the hard part.  There is no way to get a break from this all.  I feel like im eating my own flesh to fuel my body to keep going.  Just a blackhole imploding, but not soon enough.  I want an end.  I do not have control over alot of this and I am getting blamed for it or looked to to solve it

hurthusband when I read your posts I feel concerned about the way you are feeling. Your situation sounds really awful and I can hear how much it is hurting you emotionally.

The only thing you really have any control over is you, you cannot control anything else going on around you unless it is coming directly from you.

You are seriously enmeshed in your wife's disorder in a way that is blinding you, overwhelming you, disabling you to the point of exhaustion and desperation. I am not telling you something you don't already know.

What can you do now, today that will help reduce the stress you are under? How can you start to disentangle yourself from your wife's chaos and begin meeting your own needs?

Taking care of you first is the only way that you will be able to start to alleviate some of the pressure you are under. 

Is there a requirement that you fight her battles?  What happens if you don't? 

You seem to have figured out that there is a finite about of energy that you can apply to this situation... .and you've used it up... .and you are tired.  Rightly so.

So... .you either need to get more energy... .or expend less energy.  Are there other choices?  I can't think of any.

Continuing to  expend more energy that you have... .or "maxing it out"... .will continue to leave you tired... .and in the situation you are in now.

So... .do you think you can get more energy?

Do you think you can reduce the amount of energy you choose to put into "her battles".

The problem is at this point is that I do not have the energy to even fight my own battles.  I am basically burned out.  She cannot fix some of the problems I have allowed her to get us into too.  So I have to fix them because they affect us both.

I let things get too deep

What happens if they don't get fixed?

   thanks for checking in... .sorry to hear nothing has gotten better.

"I let things get too deep."  This worries me, HH.  Is everyone safe?  Are you?

There is no one here on this site to fight with.  Just vent.  Share the crap being thrown at you, and get it off your back.  We just want to help, and if all you can do right now is grope around in the dark, then do that.  It's okay.  You know what is best for you, and we just want to help you find it.

Remember you are not alone, and you are strong.  And time can mend a lot, it just takes time to get there.

 , c.

Bankruptcy, kids dont get help they need, no clothing, food, arguments between everyone else instead of just me and her

Ok... .there is some bad stuff on this list... .but it is all survivable. 

I'm not saying don't attempt to fix it... .or not worry about it... .but I hope you can see your way clear to understand that all of this is survivable... .and to understand that when you are setting priorities about where you "spend" your energy.

You only have so much energy... time... .etc etc to "spend"... .you need to do that wisely.

We can help you sort through your priorities... .

We won't set them for you... .but we will help you sort through them.

Do you have a 'time out' strategy?  Do you have a place where you can go to that is quiet and away from everything?  A man cave of some sort?  A buddy's place?  Do you get any reprieve from her presence and the pressure?  You need this for you.  Don't neglect it.  You said so yourself, the pressure is too much.  Keep your own air mask on, HH.  It's the only way to help her get hers on, or anyone else's.  Find that spot for you where you can breath.



You have the right to inform everyone that you are not her keeper and you cannot change her behaviour, you know this, right?  Don't let them blame you for her behaviour.  These are choices she is making, not you. 

And second, what is so wrong with letting her know that other people are aware of her actions.  It may help her come to accept that she isn't doing all this just to herself, but to everyone around her as well.  HH, I know you fear devastating her, but I really think she feels like she's already at the bottom of the barrel, so showing her the truth would be one of the best tools you have for helping her climb back out.  Don't accuse her of anything, that's right.  She has no concept that she is hurting other people right now.  She is only thinking of her own pain.  But letting her know that 'sister saw what she did in the bathroom after supper" isn't an accusation, it's a fact.  One that may snap her into realizing she isn't alone.  But you know her better than me.


I think more than fixing any of those things you listed in the earlier post, you're focus may be best spent on stopping the underlying cause of it all, her dysregulated behaviour.  You can't fix her behaviour, but you can get distance from the behaviour... .this is where the priority making FF suggested come into play... .what is your next step? 


This may be the very 'straw that breaks her back' into getting help, or at least seeing she needs help.  It's normal behaviour to go a little emotionally unstable when tragic things happen to any person.  Rather than making her out to be a 'bad person' for needing therapy, you could present it to her like it's a common, acceptable practice to get help in tragic situations like hers.  Anything to get her the help she needs, because you cannot fix her.  You are not responsible for her actions.  We can help walk you through ' ractice conversations' if you want.


You must be doing something right, HH, you are still here.  You are still breathing and facing each day, and loving your kids.  And you do not have to do what is right for everyone else, just what is right for you.  You want to fix everyone and everything,and that's good, but that's because you are a man, and that's what men do when they care.  But you don't have to fix everything.  You just have to fix you, and everything else will follow.  Ask anyone here.  It's true.


Sorry, love, but to me, it sound's like she should be in there, not you!  You are the stronger one, who can make things better while/if she is away.  You can get space from her criticizing you and focus on building yourself back up to loving you.  If your kids are ever put in physical danger, you can intervene... .it's your duty as a parent in fact to do so.  Don't forget that!


... .Go to top and reread from first paragraph

 , my prayers are with you.  I hope something here helps you,

c.

another hard part with problems and a time out is I am self employed.  I do not work, we have NO money.  No unemployment, no nothing.  If i lose my business or go bankrupt, I lose everything... career and all then have nothing to support myself

The other part is how much slack to cut my wife in this situation. If it was anyone else, I would cut them some slack in a situation like this.  The hard part with a BPD is how much is too much

So bit of trying to figure what is realistic, what is not, and I am just so worn down that I cannot make the right decisions neither

Do I remember right that you work from home?  That's probably a tough set up for you to be productive in.  What about re-evaluating this set up?

Frankly, pouring yourself into your work is a good thing for you to do.  It gives you space for you, if your not doing it with her at your back, and it gives you something else to think about, which may give you a bit of space too.

Are you having a hard time working?  I know she keeps trying to talk you into not working, but she doesn't know what is best for her right now.  But you know what is best for you and your family.

It sounds like your wife is really hurting herself with her own destructive behaviours... .compassion is needed, yes, but if she is lashing out at you, then she isn't getting the compassion you set out to show anyway, so it's best not for you to try to give her that.  She does need to be watched, and kept as safe as possible, as do you and the kids.

So, what is realistic?  :)o you know what the right decision is?  For you, the kids?

Hello hurthusband,

Are the children of an age that they don't need full time supervision, teenagers or toddlers?

I can hear keeping yourself afloat financially is important to you and this is something you obviously don't want to let go. It sounds like the current work situation isn't ideal, like crumbling said is there a way this could be changed to your advantage, a way that helps you more?

What do you mean by 'cutting your wife slack in this situation' can you expand on this more?

Hurthusband you say you do not work that you are self-employed, do you mean that your business isn't up and running at the moment, how do you manage financially?

Sorry if it seems like I'm grilling you I'm just trying to get a more accurate overview so as to help you start to refocus your energy so that you are able to start cutting yourself some slack 

hurthusband just to say please don't put yourself under any pressure to answer my questions I dont want you to feel like you are undertaking a 'sweetheart special lifestyle test!'  :)

ah yes...

I am a self employed consultant.  I do work at a couple of locations most of the time, but I do work at home also

I am only going to make money when I am working.  Being self employed there is extra taxes, no guaranteed pay, and certainly no unemployment or medical benefits

It basically means taking off means no money at all.  It can only be done sparingly. 

As far as cutting her some slack.  If anyone lost two parents i would obviously be more understanding of them raging and not be hurt as much and tolerate it more because i know its not them

the problem here is that its hard to separate how much to allow

Who decides how much to allow? 

Can you give me an example of how "it" plays out when something is "allowed".

Can you give me an example of how "it" plays out when something is "not allowed"

Hello hurthusband,

It is very sad that your wife has lost two parents anyone would be floored by this. You can absolutely validate the underlying emotion and her grief but you do not have to put yourself in the way of any more than this. Grief does not mean allowing yourself to be emotionally used and abused.

Do you have a daily schedule/timetable for work that you set yourself. So say like between 10am and 4pm Mon - Fri you are 'at work' and cannot be disturbed. It sounds like setting some boundaries for yourself about work might be an important place for you to start prioritising things from. Just a thought. If the house is too difficult, could your car become your office ?

What do you need to start putting in place for yourself so that you are protected from your wife's dysregulations?

 

Okay, so you have an alternative work place to go, that's good.     I guess you need to be able to get into the right 'head space' to work as well, so I'm hoping that is something you are also able to do.  If you've got those things, then working steady, like Sweetheart says, sounds like a really healthy option.   

I don't know how to determine how much empathy is needed when a person has loss like hers, but I do know this,

if... .she is telling you that you need to be with her, to look after her, and not go to work... .

if... .her emotions and out bursts are attacking you, your life, your decisions... .

if... .she cannot see past what she is feeling right now, and is only drowning herself in 'woe-is-me parties' and can't pull herself out of them alone... .

if... .she is putting herself and/or your family at risk because of her need to numb... .

then, well, in my opinion, your cutting her way too much slack.   

I'm not saying tell her to get over it, or make life nasty, or anything heartless like that.  I just mean that there are acceptable forms of grieving and there are self destructive behaviours, and now's probably a good time for you to learn the difference.

Do you know if there is a grief support group in your area?  May be worth finding out, and talking to someone who has experience in the field.    Maybe now isn't the time to try to fix anything.  Maybe it's enough to just get to a place where things aren't getting worse.   Therapy, of any kind, for either, of you may be really helpful too.  If it's an option and she won't go, go yourself.  Take the kids, whatever.  I'm sure just finding someone to talk to, who can help you sort it all out, would help a lot.

good intentions still comin your way,

c.

The tools aren't there to help your wife or make her happy, and quite likely they won't. Especially at first. They are for YOU. Start with the basics.

Basic tool #1: Don't invalidate her (when you can avoid it). Don't JADE.

Basic tool #2: Enforce boundaries to protect yourself, your sanity, and your finances.

Don't let her drag you into circular arguments. Don't let her abuse you. Don't let her keep you from working (so you bring in needed money). Don't let her interfere with your sleep. Don't let her isolate you from all other people outside your family.

More advanced tools like S.E.T. and Validation won't work very well until you cover those.

 

Two extra points... .or nuances... .to through in here.

Hurt husband... .

Who decides whether or not you listen to "angry talk" from your wife?


For all... .

I have heard people use the phrase... .one invalidation is for several "validations".

In other words... .if you perfectly validate three or four "points" or issues... .and let one invalidation slip in.  It will most likely destroy the work that you have done... .might even create a negative.

Which is why you will see us focusing on not invalidating first... .then teach to validate.

In other words... ."stop the bleeding... " Then start repairing... .

Great point.  I suppose I sort of expect her to react a certain way when those are applied, but I cannot expect that.  I REALLY work hard and careful craft everything I say in life to avoid invalidating her.  It is certainly an "eggshell" proposition and honestly impossible to avoid at all times because the chain of reasoning sometimes used to come to an invalidation by her is so obscenely out there that it would be a full time 3 person job to analyze everything before speaking.

I had been starting to set more boundaries (it is possibly a bit late to stave off the problems for not doing it earlier) but something like double parent death is a bit of a set back.

Usually i try and be at my other work space 8-3 at least.  I am basically working two jobs now because she does not work and the medical bills even with the top tier health insurance I can get is in excess of $25k a year.  That coupled with taxes is about half my income pre-expenses.

I do see change.  The episodes are growing increasingly less frequent and she is being kind more.  I believe a major problem though is me.  I have been conditioned to feel a certain fear/flight or fight response from the previous trauma of living with her.  Incidences that she might now handle in an acceptable manner have me terrified expecting the worst.  At same time, who knows what might happen.  The other problem is I am just fatigued from it all.  I hate the feelings of it all.  The panic from anticipating the blow up that may never happen or the slight sense she is blowing up.  It is like an exposed nerve at this point

So I have to give her credit and I think I need to validate the improvement and encourage it at same time, but I am worn out from it all.

Problems such as her running a red light and not paying the bill puts a warrant in my name because I am shown as owner of vehicle.  Credit Cards not being paid are on me cause its all in my name and none in her name.  Car on side of road from a DWI means my loss.  Leaving her to rot in jail over a DWI means kids are hurt by no mom.  She is still going to accumulate bills that will fall to me as husband... while the direct affects are not on me, there are plenty of peripheral damage and certainly damage between us.  No doubt we are were we are now because of her issues and my issues of allowing it but at this point, I cannot bail her out anymore and any damage is too much for me to handle even for myself.  I have allowed her to sink me too.  The only way out at this point is abandoning her and trying to salvage myself or both of us at same time pulling weight.  Abandoning her also means abandoning kids as not biological and its pretty heartless at this point in time.  I mean I still love her

That is a real problem. You can't solve it by not invalidating her.

As you said, you already try very hard to avoid invalidation. Sometimes you cannot. (Life's real consequences like running a red light are invalidating as one example.) You can avoid JADEing, and I bet you are good at that.

She can pull up her own hurt, anger, and dark feelings... .and write a story in her head where it is all your fault. She has the imagination and practice to do this any time she wants to, no matter what you did, said, didn't do, or didn't say.

In other words, she can pick a fight with you and/or start verbally abusing you any time she wants to.

Boundary enforcement is the tool that will save you. Enforce your boundary and disengage from the verbal/emotional abuse. Say goodbye and hang up. Change the subject. Leave the room if changing the subject doesn't work. Leave the house if that doesn't work.

I don't believe this for a second... .

I can think of many alternatives...

What is an alternative for the financial issues of her accumulating debt in your name?  Once we solve that... .we'll come back and knock some others off the list... .

I'm so glad to hear you are seeing more acceptable behaviours in her, HH.  As those continue, your 'exposed nerve' will soon learn to relax, but in the meantime, the only tidbit of advice I have, is to perhaps find yourself a self-soothing mantra, or something. 

Some short phrase that you can repeat in your head over and over, when situations come up that make you feel exposed.  Something that helps you remember to stay focused.  For me, it has changed over the years.  I started with merely paying attention to my breathing, tho.  Just focusing on the in and out as I listened to my BPDh rage.  Now, I repeat, "that is him, but what about me". I repeat it until how I feel surfaces.

Just a self healing tool I use that may help you.

I actually fail at the JADE on occasion.  It is somewhat my fault because I should walk out sooner than I do.  I do not want to make her feel invalidated that I am not listening to her concerns but there is a point when she keeps recycling the same thing over and over and over and gets more and more and more upset so the boundary gets crossed slowly

The financial is a hard one.  The main thing that is sinking us right now is simply the medical.  All the therapy and meds for her BPD is coming in at about $2k a month.  Other than that is the credit card debt which is at minimum payments of about $1k a month.  Taxes is another big one being self employed.  mortgage/property tax etc is fine and food etc.  I have trimmed everything else pretty far down.  I figure I spend approximately $150 a month on myself on such things as gym membership, my meds, a subscription, clothing, etc. 

It is hard to calculate right now what she is spending because alot was paying for 2 funerals.  iTunes is a problem though.  She loves iTunes and it adds up.  Still $100 a month is not much in the grand scheme compared to other things. 

I will say one thing that GREATLY irked me and my wife yesterday.  My wife's BPD psychologist (not her psychatrist) which she sees 2 times a week for DBT said she would be at the funeral and wake because she cared so much.  Neither my wife nor myself would expect her to show up and understand ultimately its a client relationship, but it was kind of her (perhaps because we are spending so much with her and she said she is writing a book on my wife).  She no-showed to both.

One thing we all know here and I am sure the doctor had to know is that YOU NEVER, EVER tell a BPD you are doing to do something then not follow through.  I think that might be a seed that will hurt the trust my wife has in the therapist now.  If she had not said anything and not shown up that would have been fine, but sometimes I wonder if the therapist is all there.  My wife keeps saying that her therapist keeps telling her how she is the most amazing person and all of this other stuff which makes me either wonder

a. my wife is delusional and misinterpeted which is possible

b. the doc is crossing a line and possibly building her up too much while not pushing her enough

No way of me actually knowing because I am not the patient.  At same time there is a difference in my wife which was never there before.  It has to be better than her med doctor who only keeps pushing ampethatmines on her.  Right now she is taking Vyvance and adderall daily.  You would think with her irritability, inability to sleep currently, loss of job, and loss of two parents, she should be on an anti-depressant/anxiety med instead of just more and more amphetamines.

Although I would have also thought that somebody who just had heart surgery like my father in law would have been put on blood thinners and anti-biotics but he wasnt.  O wait... he almost died from blood clots and he died from infection... .

Doctors... .

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