What do I do here

[hurthusband]

Ok... past month for my BPD wife has been... .I cannot even describe.

In the past month, her mother went in for a fairly routine operation for cancer that went badly and now her mother is on hospice, but at home with no nurses or help because insurance will not help.  In 2 weeks time she went from walking to not being able to be on a walker and not knowing where she is at, but still wandering and up all night.  She cannot eat though and cannot drink much of anything.  This requires my wife there 24/7 now

which leads to next problem

my wife lost her job as a result of this.  This is a tremendous blow to her and basically to our financial family as we have no way to combat the loss of her income and now having to basically care for her mother too.  Still my wife cannot sleep nor anything because she is 24/7 with her mother...

the loss of job leads to another problem

apparantly my wife's best friend's husband was trying to get a job at my wife's business and did not get it or something happened.  We get no explanation, but my wife's best friend and her confidant now refuses to speak to her when my wife needs somebody to talk to

on top of all of this

the same week my mother in law went in for surgery, my wife's father had to go the hospital for triple bypass and valve replacement.  Since the surgery its been constant problems like blood clots, shortness of breath, inability to move suddenly, etc.  He now needs constant help and my wife's sister is trying to help but she doesnt want to lose her job too.  The result is my wife is having the life sucked out of her.

The first two weeks of this, my wife did the best I have ever seen her.  I was terrified the backlash i would get from all of this stress, but she processed it well, she didnt get mad at boss nor friend, nor anyone else.  She expresses sorrow at loss and processed emotions well.  She was kind to me and loving.

During that time though things have gotten so much worse for them.  Not to mention other things... her parent's dog had to be put down, her sister who was helping her dog appears to be paralyzed now from slipped disc and going to have to be put down, our dog is ill.  One kid is getting in trouble at school while the other is basically disappearing from house when we not there caring for parents.  Her father lost his job in August and cannot get on social security until first but his old job has his insurance all screwed up so there is that.  My car stopped being able to take gas, but no time to get it looked at... my wife's health insurance was canceled at end of month cause of Obama rules...

just everything is overhwelming.  I am a single father basically now having to also help with my wife's stuff.  She is so worn out that she cannot think straight and when she asked her step-brother/sister to come help or at least call their father who is sick, they blasted her and refused.

She is in over her head and doctors are not doing anything but screwing things up.  She is starting to come unglued and its blasting me now over past couple of days.  I do not know what to do here...   I cannot imagine i would hold up if roles are reversed because I can barely keep it together myself with my part

[Grey Kitty]

She is starting to come unglued and its blasting me now over past couple of days.  I do not know what to do here...   I cannot imagine i would hold up if roles are reversed because I can barely keep it together myself with my part

Oh man, it does sound really tough on you.   

My only advice is what they say on airplanes. "Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others."

Take care of yourself first. That means not sticking around to be blasted (much if at all!) by your wife.

If you fall apart and lose your own job, it will be worse for whole family.

You pretty much know your wife is going to fall apart under the stress, sooner or later. You can't stop that from happening. You can keep yourself and your kids from getting crushed when the crap starts to fly.

Hang in there. You really are a lot stronger than you know.

 GK

[hurthusband]

our dog seems to be sick... been lethargic past 36 hours.  I said i would take her to vet and leave work a couple of hours early today.  should i go take her now?

[Grey Kitty]

You know what is the right thing to do to take care of your dog (and I don't!). You know what will happen to you at work if you leave early to take care of your dog, and know what (if anything) you need to do to make up for leaving early. (And I don't know that either!)

Just do the right thing.

[hurthusband]

every time i try and call or see what i can do i get a short remark... I ask how her father is.

she texts back a response but im on other line and gets mad i didnt respond back fast enough

her father is in hospital again now with pneumonia.

I ask how they missed that since he was there just the other day.  She responds back that how she should know.  she isnt a doctor.

just constant hostility to me.

I had to sit and work up the courage to check on her because i am so scared of her responses.  I know she is going through more than anyone in know right now, so i can understand frustration, but what about me?

Should i put up with that sort of meanness and hostility?  The sarcasm and just anger...

I am just about ready to run just as she is.  She is running because this is overwhelming.  I am ready to run solely because of her.  At this time though... do i run when she is going through this.  how do i protect myself in this and not let her down too?

I want to turn my phone off and ignore her, but who knows if its an emergency so i leave it on just getting hurled at...

[Grey Kitty]

  It sounds like one 'good' thing is that she's not spending a lot of time talking to you, so you don't get blasted with rage or abuse.

If you get a short remark, and the conversation ends anyhow, or moves on to another topic, it is probably best to just let it go.

I am going to caution you a bit about invalidation--I see some things you described here that are a touch invalidating, which adds fuel to the fires of mental illness.

her father is in hospital again now with pneumonia.

I ask how they missed that since he was there just the other day.

There's nothing anybody could do about this NOW, so it is an invalidating question. Asking how she missed it would be far worse than asking how 'they' missed it.

If you say something and she immediately snaps about it like her response to this, it is a cue to (at least later) think about whether what you said was invalidating... .or whether you could have said something more validating instead.

I am just about ready to run just as she is.  She is running because this is overwhelming.  I am ready to run solely because of her.  At this time though... do i run when she is going through this.  how do i protect myself in this and not let her down too?

I want to turn my phone off and ignore her, but who knows if its an emergency so i leave it on just getting hurled at...

If you have to choose between protecting yourself and helping her, protect yourself.

The other thing to remember is that supporting her is NOT the same as doing everything exactly as she demands it of you. That's often impossible, and trying to do it can be self-destructive to you.

 It really is a tough situation.

[hurthusband]

I am dying here.  This is exactly like seeing a wounded animal.  I see her hurting and know that if I try and help, I will get no credit and will be bitten. 

Last night I took the dog to the vet, I did not know what the dogs history at the vet was because I had never taken her.  The vet did not have all the info so I called my wife who kept blasting me as being inept and not able to handle anything. 

She never thanked me and just kept being absolutely mean to me.  just mean.  Just cause she is not there does not mean she doesnt text me 100 times angry and I cannot turn my phone off because what if emergency with parents?

It gets worse because her father goes to ICU yesterday with Renal failure.  Apparantly from what I have read, it is not uncommon after aortic valve replacement.

I am breaking her.  I cannot handle forcing myself to help her knowing that she will bite my head off.  Its pure abuse.  Do I tell her if this continues, I will not be apart of this and leave?  I mean she is going through all of this that is immense...

How do I protect myself and still be there?  Is it possible?

[hurthusband]

Also, how serious a mistake is this...

last night I went to get food for my son and myself.  My wife stated she did not want anything.  I still got her a burger and placed it in microwave to keep warm in case she changed her mind.  Before bed, I was cleaning up kitchen and forgot about it... This morning she gets up wanting it and i apologize saying I had screwed up and forgotten it in the micro.  She is not happy...

I mean she never wanted anything to begin with and when I told her I had gotten her something anyways, she said "i told you i didnt want anything".  If i had done nothing she might call me selfish... so did I just screw up?  Is it excusable?

I have no perception anymore on what is normal and abnormal behavior.  What is her being overly critical and me screwing up...

Its been so long, I just do not know.  I know how I would react, but we are all different and I put up with alot from alot of people

[foggydew]

You are all in a terrible situation and there is not much to do except keep going. Anyone at all might have the same kind of response as your wife right now, it's not necessarily to do with BPD. Close your ears to criticism, say to yourself, it's only her way of letting of steam in this terrible situation. You know you are doing your best. And that is what matters. Shout out on here, complain, whatever, and know that in that way you are keeping the both of you above water. Let her rant. You rant here. Some situations are just more than anyone can cope with reasonably. You have understanding and support here... .you are the strong one.

[hurthusband]

its just getting harder and harder... she is so verbally abusive and mean.  Nice to everyone else though...

Now the kids are all pissed off cause mom is never around and I am having to do EVERYTHING.  Now I have sick dogs and trying to handle that... .

now the kids are pissed wanting to do stuff and I have no way to monitor them cause I am doing so much other crap.  Everyone is coming down on me.  Honestly, I would rather not wake up from dealing with all of this.  Everyone is heaping their troubles on me and I am solving as best I can, but everyone still hates me

[Grey Kitty]

This morning she gets up wanting it and i apologize saying I had screwed up and forgotten it in the micro.  She is not happy.

Did you screw up?

I'd say not on the important things.

You were thinking kindly of her when you bought the burger. No screw up there. If you had got nothing when she asked for nothing, that wouldn't be a screw up either. She put you in a difficult situation, and you made the best choice you could at the time.

You forgot about it overnight. Yeah, that was a teensy-tiny screwup. Not one worth blowing up over.

I'd say your biggest screwup was in staying in the room when she started ripping you a new one over this.

 You are falling apart, and your kids and dogs need you to hold it together. You can't afford to let yourself be verbally abused right now--you just don't have enough spare strength to waste any that way.

[formflier]

  Everyone is heaping their troubles on me and I am solving as best I can, but everyone still hates me

OK... .please go back up several entries... and ready Grey's advice.  PUT ON YOUR MASK... .

Then... .the only help you need to give others... .is to hand them their mask.  Maybe make sure it is on... .then leave them to solve their own issues.

If you stop solving peoples issues... .they will eventually stop heaping them on you.

If they don't like you before the heaping... .and they don't like the way you are solving... .and they don't like you after you decide not to help with their problems... .then... .don't worry about it.

The "constant" is that they don't like you... .the variable is how much abuse you put up with and how much work you do for others.

Let you kids know what they need to do.  DO NOT do it for them.  That is general advice... .tell me ages and other info... .but generally... .stop solving their stuff... .let them solve their own.  Be a mentor... .not a solver.

   

Tough situation... .hang in there...

[hurthusband]

one problem that complicates things is when kids screw up... my wife goes "they were under your watch, you were not being a parent"

so then a fight is over that... so then my kids screw ups become my fault...

[Grey Kitty]

one problem that complicates things is when kids screw up... my wife goes "they were under your watch, you were not being a parent"

so then a fight is over that... so then my kids screw ups become my fault...

Don't lose sight of the ball here.

She can turn ANYTHING into your fault and pick a fight over it.

The problem isn't what you did or didn't do with the kids.

Half the problem is that she needs to pick a fight with you.

The other half of the problem is that you let her and stick around to participate in that fight.

Solve THAT problem (working your half is enough!) and you will be fine.

Only then can you address any real problems in parenting with her.

[formflier]

The other half of the problem is that you let her and stick around to participate in that fight.

Focus on this... .Grey Kitty has nailed it.

What do you think is a good way to deal with your wife blaming you for kids actions... .?

Write out a typical back and forth... .but put in your "new" responses and actions.

[hurthusband]

alright...

her mother and father have both died this past week.  The first night she stayed with her sister.  The second night she was completely manic.  telling me she loves me but she stays up the whole night working on the yard cause the only compliment she ever got from her dad was her yard was nice.  The next morning, I ask if she wants me there, and she says to go to work.  When I am about to get off one job, she calls blasting me for not being home with her.  The past 48 hours hell has ensued.  

My mother has been nice to her but nuts too.  So that hasnt helped.  None of my wife's supposed friends have said sorry or they will be to the funeral.  My wife feels all alone and without a job or anything.  I have just been yelled at for not caring or having any future.  She calls me names, curses at me, calls me a pussy.  Constantly pointing out my failures.  For instance, Friday, I went to the grocery picked up some stuff.  That night at 11 pm she wanted some more stuff for doing the lawn.  I was trying to eat dinner finally, but instead I went to get it all.  she had told me a list, I did not right it down.  I tried texted did she mean just 5 lawn bags?  I picked up extras i know she had wanted too like starter logs and other stuff

Next day she blasts me for not getting 5 packs of 5 lawn bags.  I tried asking there

I went and got other things she needed Saturday without prompting.

Last night she said she wanted this stuff for food and all.  I pull up to the grocery and she is already demanding if i am done yet that she doesnt want to be alone.  I am trying to quickly get though and she texts me 3 more times.  I get all teh food then get over to get our son subway like he wanted.  I get home ASAP.  I forget the Capri Suns.  I was trying to get everything and dog treats that she had mentioned couple of days ago.  I was being rushed and scared by her.  

She just calls and blasts me about Capri suns.  I try calling her therapist telling how I am worried about S.  How in days since death she went to an ex friends house and yelled after they had asked me for weeks to stay away.  They notify us they called the police on us as I tried to get S. away.  I tell how my wife hasnt eaten anything she hasnt thrown up in over a week and is only drinking and taking xanax... The therapist just says call 911 but leave her alone...

I finally told my wife and I meant it... I would rather my own parents die than deal with this abuse she is putting me through.  I would rather my parents die than hers.  I would rather die than any of them die.  I ___ing cannot do that to the kids now, but this is my idea of hell.  I wake up from nightmares and am more scared and depressed waking up than I am in a nightmare where monsters want to kill me

[formflier]

 

HH,

Tell me about your support system?  And the support system for your family?

I'm hoping you have a T you can go work through this with... .

Hang in there... .

We're dealing with a death in our family as well.  That is stressing my wife out bigtime... .and that is my guess at the source of her major dysregulation this morning.

[hurthusband]

HH,

Tell me about your support system?  And the support system for your family?

I'm hoping you have a T you can go work through this with... .

Hang in there... .

We're dealing with a death in our family as well.  That is stressing my wife out bigtime... .and that is my guess at the source of her major dysregulation this morning.

I am sure it is, but in past 6 weeks my wife has lost both parents, her job, and inexplicably her best friend.  Still no clue what happened.  She was friends with us both and her husband was friends with me and neither will respond to either of us.  We know she was also friends with my wife's boss so who knows.  With no friends, and only one sister left my wife has nobody.  Her sister btw basically is just "suck it up, you have to deal with it" so sort of compassion at all.

my support system is non existant.  My psychiatrist is on holidays, and my family is messed up.  My mother is trying to be nice to my wife, but at same time my mother is drinking too much and keeps moving everything to herself or making things worse for me.  I am alone on this.  No support.  My wife's only support is me which is to take out her rage and anxiety on.  

She talks about running aaway from us all.  Honestly, I feel like running away.  I am sorry, maybe its selfish, I know the sadness and shame she feels is horrible, but the fear I feel... I do not want to run away.  I do not want to exist

If God said I could have anything for Christmas, it would be that I never existed.  That way I am out of all of this and nobody has to suffer as a result of me being gone.  This is horrific.  I suppose being in a cage being tortured would be worse, but as far as mentally tortured... I cannot imagine anything worse.  

This board here is the ONLY support I have.  My wife has nothing apparantly or is so messed up... I do not know who is wrong... me or her or both anymore

[sweetheart]

Hi hurthusband,

I'm going to focus on a positive first, you are posting and we can all hear you, and you have identified this forum as an important means of support for you. Keep on posting ok 

I can hear that you sound confused, upset and really overwhelmed by all that is happening, add in the time of year and emotions are understandably running high. So as ff and gk have already said focus on yourself and your immediate needs. Nothing else matters in the short term apart from looking after you. What is there around you that will help, you said your P is away can you contact your family doctor, I live in the UK that is what I would start with if I was faced with how you are feeling. We also have an organisation here in the UK called the Samaritans that anyone can phone and talk to someone 24/7 365 days a year. Do you have something similar that you can access? Talking through feelings that are overwhelming can really help.

Keep posting hurthusband, break down into small manageable chunks your day and night. Take things super slow, try not to involve yourself in anyone else's issues, just focus on you. Let us know how you are over the next few days ok ?

[hurthusband]

its hard cause what excuse do i have... my parents are not dead.  Am i weak?  I do not know here.  I know feel abused.  I just do not know whats going on

[sweetheart]

Hurthusband you don't need an excuse to feel sad and emotionally overwhelmed by all this. No you are most definitely not weak and being on the receiving end of dysregulation can be really abusive, it took me many years to realise that I didn't have to absorb it or sort it.

Try not to feel as though you have to understand or sort through things at the moment, pay attention to what is possible for you in the short-term. Just getting through little bits of time is enough for the moment.

It's 2040hrs here in the UK my s6 has just gone to bed and my h is currently in silent mode. What are your plans for the rest of today and tomorrow?

[maxen]

 

I feel like running away.  I am sorry, maybe its selfish

hurthusband - it's not selfishness. it's self-preservation. there's 180 degrees of difference between those things. keep in mind what sweetheart said:

being on the receiving end of dysregulation can be really abusive

there is no rubric on earth under which anyone deserves abusive treatment. whatever the cause, you do not have to acquiesce in it.

certainly you're in a stressful position for the next days. what is the timetable?

[Grey Kitty]

its hard cause what excuse do i have... my parents are not dead.  Am i weak?  I do not know here.  I know feel abused.  I just do not know whats going on

 You are abused.

 You are confused.

 You are lost.

 You are exhausted.

I wouldn't say you are weak, but I would say that you have used almost all your strength.

Accept that your wife will blow up at you because that is what she does. Either you did too much, or you did too little. Either you didn't go out and do something, or you were away. If she NEEDS to find fault and blame you, she will find a way to do this. NOTHING you can do will stop her from blaming you.

All you can do is refuse to be yelled at about it.

[hurthusband]

its just so much... then on top of everything... i just had to drop pretty much everything left i had on credit cards to cover the burial of her step father.  also turns out that behind her mother's back, he tried to forge a will that cut out alot of her inheritance.  which I am not too surprised because from what I heard... when her real father died the money left to her in trust, he used to start a business.  I know the estate will reimburse me but I have in 2 weeks my quarterly IRS payments which are massive being self employed and I do not have the funds.  I literally do not know how to feed my family McDonald's at this point which is humorous making 6 figures (well not so much when over 25% of your income goes to medical bills each year).  I do not know the whole facts of it all... i just know that at the moment. I am now for the first time in my life absolutely broke, my family is a mess, my job is a mess, kids are a mess... i am just trying to keep things together and i just cannot.  

I honestly cannot hold this all together.  It is not in my power to, but if I do not, too many people are hurt.  I pray and pray and pray, but I need a miracle fast

[Crumbling]

    My prayers are with you too, hh.

[Crumbling]

So don't hold it together!  Let it fall apart and tumble around you, just for a little while.  You have my permission.

I hear you needing a break from having to shoulder so much.  It's too much for anyone to carry.  Something good and fun and simple needs to occupy your mind for a while.  The pile will be there when you get back, and you will have more strength to deal with all of it.  But for just a little while, let the chips fall.

 

And if you can't do it for you, than do it for those you love.  What makes you stronger, makes them stronger.      just my two cents 

c.

[Crumbling]

We are here to support you,.  It may feel like you are alone, but we are here, we hear you and we want nothing but good for you and your family. 

Let's figure out what your next step is.

[hurthusband]

Thanks all

I did finally just break down and let my wife know that while I understand what she is going through is unimaginable, I have alot of weight on me through this and how she is treating me is mentally changing me into nothing.

She actually started validating and basically using SET on me which I recognized as her using her therapy tools

Nice talk on everything

[Grey Kitty]

  I'm so glad to hear you got some support from your wife. These flashes can make such a difference.

Hang in there... .and take care of yourself, as best you can. The stronger you are, the more you can support your family.   

[flowerpath]

hh, you do have a lot on your shoulders.  I haven’t seen all of your posts here, and I’m kind of late commenting, but I can tell that you’re trying to run a business and trying to take care of a household basically on your own while there are three able-bodied people in the house who could help.  I know exactly how it feels to have a full time job plus a part time job, take care of a home and kids, worry about taxes that are due, worry about debt, wonder how you will pay the bills, and wonder how your will feed your family even though you have a good income.  There have been many times that I have felt that I am on my own with nonexistent support. 

If the money isn’t available from the estate by the time your taxes are due, you can contact the IRS to let them know your situation.  It won’t be the first time they’ve heard reasons that funds are not available for quarterly taxes.  (Been there.)  I did not have any difficulty working out a reasonable plan with them.  You may be able to get an extension without a penalty.  (Done that.)

Sometimes when things get overwhelming, it can help to just sit for a while and be still and think.  Just as in business you need to have a plan, when it comes to all of the things that have to be done at home, you need to have a plan as well.  I can promise you that things do go smoother, you will be less stressed, and you can save a lot of money if you have a plan. 

If you haven’t already, decide what daily responsibilities your sons are able to take care of, talk with them about the situation (could they single-handedly run your business and do everything you are trying to do at home too?) and assign them tasks that will be their daily/weekly responsibilities and write them down.  Tell them you want them to do their jobs without having to be asked.  They’re old enough to understand that all of this is very difficult for one person to do. 

For meals, having a plan for the week will relieve a lot of stress.  It will be worth the time it takes. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.  Keep on hand simple, healthy breakfast and lunch items that the boys can prepare on their own.   For supper, plan out the meals for the week starting with what you have on hand already.  A simple meat and two vegetables is plenty.  Plan each night’s meal in detail.  Type up a blank categorized grocery list (produce, frozen, dairy, canned, etc., save it to your computer, and print it out.  It will help you to be organized when you write down the foods that you need to buy.  It will also help you save time in the store.  Try aiming for one trip to the store a week.  That will save you a lot of time too.  Keep that categorized list on the refrigerator and tell everyone when they eat/drink the last of something, put it on the list under the right category.

Allow yourself to have some boundaries and enforce them.  You don’t have to stand around and listen to the verbal abuse.