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My ex uBPD gf left me on July 19 of this year, one day after my birthday, when I checked the messages on her phone to find her still having an affair with my replacement. She promptly dumped me, then began telling me her drug addicted, married replacement was someone she needed to be with for her "spirit," followed by numerous--but often shifting and contrary--rationalizations for what she had done, as well as minimizing any hurt she had done to me.

The cheating, lies, broken promises, and cruel behavior were something I've never experienced in 48 years of life, and I sunk into a devestating depression, including a partial hospitalization for three weeks during her affair, and two full days after she left. She knew about both hospitalizations, but claimed I was using them to manipulate her.

She disgarded me so causually while still insisting she would love me forever, but had "fallen" for another man, which she insisted could have happened to "anyone." They had been seeing each other on and off for about five weeks when she left, although she said she knew after being with him as a "friend" for a couple of days that our year-and-a-half long relationship was over.

I knew she had a history of drug and alcohol use, but had been in sober recovery for about two years. I had no idea that she was an addict, because she seemed very wise about the dangers of drugs and alcohol to others in her family. The first time she and her "friend" (the replacement) got together they used drugs, and within a week was using drugs and alcohol daily. A once basically good relationship was sabotaged by her addiction and affair. She  recycled me almost weekly for a month or so, leaving me for the last time only after he agreed to leave his wife.

We spoke twice and texted two-or-three times before I blocked her everywhere (except one forgotten email account). Almost three weeks ago she emailed a short message, asking me to make my public profile visible on Facebook, so she could "unobtrusively see how you are doing."  I did not respond.

Last night I recieved this email on the same dating site we met on almost two years ago.

Her message:--------------

"So. I have been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often - everyday, in fact. What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I accept that. I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything. I recently found out that my old boyfriend J____ died from an overdose and it really got me thinking about the people I've known and the things that I've done. But most of all I thought of you. You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you. It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that. I wish I'd treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most [she must mean abandoning me for the final time.] I am haunted by it. Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you."

-------------------------

She closed the account an hour later, so she's no longer on the site. I assume she is still with the replacement, otherwise she'd leave her profile up.

Her behavior was worse than anything I've ever scene, and it took a long time to realize that she was a disordered person, with BPD traits long before her drinking and drug use. Still, our relationship seemed good and strong before the drugs and alcohol. She also never truly painted me black, although at one point accussed me of a lack of committment, of not carring enough. And of course wanted "friendship" because she could not "imagine" me not being part of her life.

She went from someone I knew and trusted, to a horrible stranger, a monster, a demon. I've always struggled trying to reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person she became. She was always a very difficult, needy person, but I never suffered rages from her.

I have no intention of responding, but this message just reopened my wounds. Certainly she never appologized before. Why now? I welcome any support because my mind is realling.

~Penumbra

I can't imagine how reading that probably made you feel.  I really don't want to read anything like that from mine, though I don't think she's capable of writing anything in which she is at fault for hurting someone.  But as to why she's writing you now: my guess?  She has to feel like she is in control.  The death of the ex probably made her feel like she's lost some control.  So what does she do?  She tries to pull someone from her past back in her life.  You have been painted white again, congrats  .  I think you are correct in not responding, nothing good will come of that.  Good luck, try not to dwell or think too much about that note from her.

I wish my ex would write something like that to me. It would meen that she was showing self awareness of her problem. Without being self aware they cannot be helped.

Put aside your pain and see it as a good thing. We all would want someone we loved to get the proper help and for them to be able to lead a normal life without hurting anyone else.

If my ex wrote that I would reply.

I would say something like. Thank you. I know you couldnt see at the time how much you were hurting me and I am glad that you are able to see it now. I realise that ackowledging it must have been very painful for you. Now that you are aware of your actions what do you intend to do about it?

Im not saying you should respond only what I would do. Our situations are different as I have a son with mine.

Yadaa Yadaa, I've added to my darkness, oh dear, so sad too bad. 'So precious' but not precious enough to care when you were in hospital or try to resist the urge to be with another guy for her 'spirit' (that one takes the cake btw). I know we all want to hear apologies, real honest, I've changed apologies, I doubt it's that, I think it's more bottomless pit of need reaching out for another chance to rip your heart from it's chest. Do I sound bitter? I am! Discount what I say by 50% Stay strong  . If you must respond, think carefully first and take care of you above all else.

... .yes yes yes... .on Monday I apologize... .and on Tuesday... .what the heck... .I don´t care... .

I wouldn´t spent one second thinking  about her "reasons" why she is contacting you... .that´s the EASIEST thing in the world to do ... .push a few buttons on your PC... .push "send"... .that´s it.

Thats NOTHING.

This comes straight from my first exBPDgf who is now very healthy after years of therapy-"ignore what she says and does. Do not think about it at all. Move on and try to forget that she ever happened.""there will never be true happiness with an untreated borderline."

She has a masters in psych as well, so hopefully this will help you some... .

Thank you all for responding. I read through your messages several times, and I appreciate your feedback.

Enlighten me: you might do exactly what you recommend, and write a thoughtful response. I can't. I feel like she quite literally left me for dead. She has had her own problems with suicidal ideation and depression. Certainly she is been in a similar situation to me before, and yet she chose to leave me almost destroyed by her behavior to be with her shiny new boyfriend. I have a long history of depression. But I've been functioning well for several years and I've never been suicidal. At least not until this happened. She knew this, and she choose to walk anyways. Too many broken promises to ever forgive. She had promised me before this even began that she would never leave me for another. And yet, when she did, she acted with such cruelty that I was left completely heartbroken. I asked myself existential questions. The most important one was how a human being could possibly do this to someone they loved. She writes about this herself, and yet she provides no answer. I will never figure out how a person could ever justify doing this. This wasn't even "just" cheating or lying. This felt like a manipulation of my entire life experience until I didn't know which and was up. And as I got sicker and sicker, as I struggled for the truth, and my weakest moment she stabs me in the back and abandons me.

Trog: i'm probably just as biased and jaded as you are. How incredibly convenient of her to write a paragraph emphasizing not my pain, but hers. One would think if the behavior was as hurtful to her as she now claims, she would not have been able to do it.

In the end, what hurts the most was not that our relationship ended, but that it was utterly destroyed. How could someone that claims me to be so precious to her "still" have done any of the things she did to me?

I've never found it very helpful when someone tells me to "just forget about her," because if I could I would. But this relationship was one of the most profound I've ever had, and for many months, I believe it to be a good one. However, The idea that they would ever change is obviously hopeless. In a way, if she actually feels bad, as she claims, her life is truly tragic. If I had ever behave that she had, I would not be able to live with myself. On the other hand, I have a feeling that this is much more about her and her needs, Then mine. The fact that I have blocked her certainly made her realize that continued contact was not wanted. She violated that. Perhaps she had concern for me, or perhaps it was her guilt, or perhaps it is an attempt at triangulation. Whatever her reasons, I know that this is thrown me for a loop.

Thank you all again.

~P

Since you have stated you have no intention of responding, it seems you are detached enough to not let this trigger you.

I may be the outlier here but if I rec'd a note like this from my expBPD, being out of the r/s and NC for quite some time, this would indeed provide the closure I had always wished for and sought after being abandoned. I personally would not question the why or whats, rather I would accept the well deserved apology and expression that I did mean the same to my expbd as he did to me. I would accept his owning of the horribly hurtful way I was left.

And, I would continue to move forward in that light, not backward. Taking everything I know of the disorder and of myself in personal inventory,  while remaining NC. This in no way would reopen the wound.  It would provide the final layer of healing of the wound.

It reads like it could have a big "But... ." at the end.

Something like, "But the rest of this untrustworthy story... ."

Which you're already seeing, Penumbra66, rightly so.

It's closure if you accept it that way.

More fuel for the fire or whatever.

But... .She mostly wrote that to her ghost(s), not you.

First, a big hug, because this stuff is really hard.  I am truly sorry for your suffering in July.  I have been close to that level before, and like your ex, mine could not have cared less.  That is so very painful.  It sounds like you are doing remarkably well, and that says so much about you and your inner strength, because depression is hard.

I've had two apologies like this that were spread over a 20 year period (I went "MIA" for 17 years).  The last time we spoke was in 2011.  I got the "regrets" speech.  The "never forgot you."  Never blah, blah, blah.  And I believed it because it sounded so sincere.  It took about three weeks for the cold, don't-really-give-a-damn-about-you attitude to return.  It ended with him saying he thought it best we never talk again.

If I had accepted his first apology in 1991 as closure then I would have been done with this 20 years earlier than I was.  

There's certainly a kernel of truth in all of the replies here.  Your gal does deserve some sympathy.  It sounds like one of her exes recently passed away suddenly.  Perhaps, she wishes she had said some things to this person if given the chance.  Which is why she's reaching out to you now.

Given the chemical dependency running through her life, you've got to get the hell out of dodge.  Stay strong.

Another thing -

I found, that when any event happened in my exBPDw life, like a family member dying of hers, or a friend, she would reach out absolutely everyone and try to reconnect, almost like she collects people and then needs to do a head count when there is an emergency,

And to the 'special people' (or poor basta8ds as our collective rock band name would be) they would all get an email, that took 5 mins to send off, loaded with 'why won't you speak to me, I loved you more than anyone, you were my soulmate'.

If you looked down her sent items you would see a list of her ex names one after the other who she was contacting in this way try to re-engage any. The emails were not identical in words, but in sentiment, each of them were special and she needed them and they were not there, have love letter half poison pen letter. Don't be fooled, you were probably not the only person she was thinking back on, this is a reaction to the ex dying, it's not about you, it's always always always about them.

A nice email from someone who disrespected you like no other.  Now do the necessary -  Delete.

D-e-l-e-t-e.

Self-realization, if it ever comes forth from a BPD, is always too late in the relationship.

My exgf wrote a similar diatribe. nothing like pouring salt into the wound she created.

I'm going to have to agree. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice... .

I'd bet that your replacement is gone or being painted black. These individuals are scared to death of being alone. Mine never apologized,  just acted apologetic. She could never bring herself to admit she was wrong. But I let her back many times and within a week or two she was right back to her usual behavior.

Hi Penumbra-

The message you got is what many folks here wish they would get, an apology and some kind of closure, but it seems it had a negative effect for you, so I thought I'd take a pass at dissection, hopefully as a reframe:


Some self awareness there, along with shame.  A borderline can't get too close to someone without feeling engulfed, but can't be alone without feeling abandoned, so an easy fix is to jump to 'replacements', new attachments, when the engulfment gets too strong in the current relationship.  That works in the short term, removes the engulfment feelings without feeling the abandonment ones, but does nothing to alleviate the underlying punitive parent and persecution complex, and just adds to the shame, already substantial, which she confirms with "added to my darkness" and the fact she says she deserves it.


Back to lack of awareness, although an apology using the word apologize, rare and valuable around here.


Then why did she leave you?  See above.


This is actually pretty good, she's aware something is there and may be digging for it.


Another apology, and "haunted" by that shame pile that keeps getting bigger.


Actually she does care if you think badly of her, very much, it's confirmation of how she feels about herself.  But more apology, an exaggerated one this time.

Personally I would have rather gotten the note you did than the one I did; I got "I'm sorry for my part in the ugliness" which is an apology of sorts, although it was buried in a missive full of unwillingness to take responsibility and devaluation, and ended with attempts to reestablish a 'friendship' because she 'misses me'.  For me at the time, having detached a little and learned about the disorder, the whole thing was transparent and confirmation that she did indeed exhibit strong traits of the disorder, things I had no clue about when I was in it, so getting the note actually helped with the detachment. 

I agree with Cared that taking it at face value and using it to move forward is the best move, once you've digested and processed it a bit more.  There's what happens and what we make it mean, and one option is to make it mean you got the closure without an attempt at recycling, something so many here would love.  Take care of you!

This is just beautiful. Thank you, FronHeelToHeal, for breaking it down and explaining each part. Very helpful, educational, informative, and even beautiful. I hurt for all of us and for the BPDs. Their disorder is so painful and sad for everyone concerned. Thank you all for helping me make some sense of the despair and longing I am feeling today. And thank you for the thread, Penumbra. I needed all of this today.

One last thing, FronHeelToHeal - Do they know these stages? Do they understand why they do what they do as beautifully as you do?

Thanks Keep.  First, there is no "they", there's only a bunch of traits, and when they're clustered together in the same personality we label them traits of borderline personality disorder.  Plus, the disorder is often comorbid with other disorders, meaning the traits of other disorders like NPD, ASPD, substance abuse, whatever, are also present in that personality, so bottom line, everyone's different.

For borderlines feelings are facts, so whatever's going on in the current emotional storm is the reality of the moment.  My ex, and many here have said there's too, knew something was just "off", that she was "different" in some way, but the defense mechanisms were working too well and digging into what was really going on was too painful, so she was only at the very beginning of any self-awareness.

What it takes, for all of us, not just "personality disordered" individuals, which is on a continuum anyway and we all exhibit the traits at least once in a while, what it takes is some humility and some self-awareness.  And that requires a letting go of the tools, the defense mechanisms, that worked well for a long time, not an easy thing to do, and usually motivated by pain.  Think like an alcoholic needs to 'hit bottom' before they become teachable and open to help and other veiwpoints beyond their own.  Someone in that headspace could stumble on a description of personality disorders and see themselves, or seek professional help, and even then, being told you have a mental illness is not easy to hear, for anyone, and shakes up an entire life.  There is no cure for the disorder, but a sufferer can learn to manage the symptoms, same as an alcoholic, but it's a tough road.

These are valid points most being: there is no " cure."  There are therapies that help modulate behaviors and the individual has to be very committed to therapy. Its not a quick fix of you will. Its an on going process taking years for many.  These individual have a personality that is disordered. Its been their life. Can you imagine the process of trying to undo much of that?

Read member Oceanheart posts for very thorough perspective on a pBPD who's addressed the disorder.  Extremely solid and forthcoming. 

FromHeelToHeal--

Thank you for this wonderful post. It is truly appreciated.

It's a very well-written apology, no doubt. It may even be sincere. Sort of. Unfortunately for me it caused nothing but grief this entire weekend. My ex had a habit of constantly telling me how much she loved me, even after leaving me, which left me in a deep state of confusion for weeks. She wanted post-abandonment friendship, to "be there" for me, called me her best friend, soul mate, etc. Before and after the breakup, the difference between her words and her actions was nothing but chaos. Insanity. She held on to me for dear life, but when the replacement left his wife, she was done. Except she wasn't. Hours after dumping me the "I really do love you" text arrives. The second time she dumped me for the replacement she sends me a love song. A month after leaving me, she sends a short story on soul mates.

There were a number of promises to end the affair, to repair our relationship, to "make things right" between us. She never followed through on her words. Ever. And now, five months out, she is telling me how "precious" I am to her? I've heard it before, and it never meant a thing. So as much as I'd like to believe in her sincerity, I really can't.

I don't think she wants to be with me, but I do think she wants me in her life in some capacity. In fact, I know she does. I feel that her note was more an attempt at connection than apology. So for me, I feel the same resentment I felt in the last weeks of our realtionship, as well as the two months post breakup. Just a bunch of words with no meaning.

Her note really opened old wounds.

You're welcome Pen.


Mine wanted the same.  Too close feel engulfed, too far away feel abandoned, perpetual push/pull.  Although a borderline wants what everyone wants: to be loved, to love, to rise up into that love and feel it, live in it.  Problem is they can never get there sustainably without being triggered, and feel great shame because of it.  That is an extremely painful existence and just plain sad, but the tools, the defense mechanisms, show up to allow her to feel better, and from the outside it looks and feels like insanity.  But under it all there's a desire to keep people she cares about, and knows care about her, in her life on some level, at arm's length emotionally, because on some level she knows that's the only way it might work sustainably; there's self awareness in there somewhere, if only partially conscious. 

That roller coaster will never stop, and our only solace is getting off.  I'm preaching to the choir.  Take care of you man.

5 months out and she writes an apology... .hum. Part of me thinks this is as sincere as she can get - her way to reconnect on some level. The other part of me says, this is b... .it. You have been working on healing from this dysfunctional relationship and she has opened up those wounds because of HER guilt. This is all about her.

This reminds me why N/C and closing every account, every avenue they can sneak into is important. The day he emailed me our engagement was off I cut off ALL contact to me. He didn't value me or the gift of my love. We got too close and he had to run.

My heart goes out to you. I agree delete.

Focus on this.

"oh, the real you."

I'm shattered. More so than I've ever been before in my life. She may see all as black or white. I see everything as grey.

I pray. I try to comprehend. I catch myself trying to make order from disorder. I fell for it. I fell for the dream. And I got more than I bargained for. Until this point, I had never realized that relationships truly can be deadly.

It was so bad. She was in control of almost everything. Once I tried to logically explain the control to her just to see if she realized what I was saying. She shook her head no and then focused on the one thing I did still have control of and how I abused that power. I knew at that point she really could not see her part.

I tried by trying. I tried by not trying. In the end the only thing that did work for me was nothing.

Thank you for sharing. I say delete it without a second though. Keep your power.

Penumbra... .

Her actions devastated you... .her words constantly tricked you and deceived you. She is an addict in a tail spin making one bad decision after another... .and all her decisions are based on whatever her immediate needs are. And those needs are not healthy ones.   Whatever the reason is she got in touch with you, you can bet it has someting to do with her needs and nothing to do with you. I know getting a note like that would be very upsetting to me... .but I would do everything in my power not to let it effect my life.

I have been through similar treatment, and no matter what she "says", I would not ever respond. I just could not feel as though I loved me if I opened the door, even a crack to someone who treated me in such a horribly vile way.  It is just a bunch of words from a totally unreliable, suspect source. Nothing more. Just swallow hard, stand up and move forward. Take care of you... .She deserves nothing from you. ... .and that's all on her!

One of the things I struggle to make sense of is the role of addiction in her behavior. She was sober until the replacement came along, and had been for about two years. I had never known her when she was using, other than one drunked night and a few times she had taken narcotics leftover from surgery about two years prior. She had told me she "had been" an alcoholic, and had done some really stupid things in her teens, including taking a bottle of  antidepressants for God knows what reason, suffering from serotin poisoning. She told me she suffered an "ego death" from acid. She sounded hardcore from her stories, but seemed fairly uninterested in drugs and alcohol, mainly because of the effect they had on her disfunctional family. Drug addicted brother, alcoholic mother and sister, all daily pot smokers. She kept them at arms length to avoid their influence.

She was always a difficult, demanding person, but I mostly enjoyed being with her. Mostly. Getting time of my own, to work, to exercise, see friends, was a chore. But she never raged. And up until the day before the replacement came along, we had two really good weeks. No drama, no fighting. She is much younger than I am, and she seemed to have grown up and become very responsible and independant in the last six months of our relationship. But within the first week or so of drug use, she was using every single day, then started missing classes, failed an internship, and destroyed our relationship. I always wondered what would have happened had her drug addicted boyfriend not come along, because she picked a horrible person to mirror.

So thats the most difficult question for me. Who was she really?

I don't think she wants to be with me, but I do think she wants me in her life in some capacity. In fact, I know she does


My ex has split me blacker than black ! We split nearly 5 weeks ago she can't even look at me let alone be in her life as anything ! She doesn't want to be a freind when I offerd her that in time the response I got was

NO ! I am with l***e and he wouldn't like it ! Plus I don't like who you are now you are NOT the person I knew and met 5 years ago ! .

It amazes me with BPD is that a week before we split and she devalued me big style is she was planning our wedding ! And was told how much she loved me and couldnt keep her hands off me and promised me she would never me ! Boy was I stupid in beleiving Her lol .

I've got the exact same proplem my ex has compleatly changed as a person I once knew in just 5 weeks of being with my replacement  he's a unemployed drug dealer been in prison 3 times for Gbh stabbed someone ! Her attitude since mirroring him sucks ! She looks terrible now aswell really lazy starting fights every weekend fuelled my alcohol ! She really has turned nasty .

I think I'm smart enough to realize that she is indeed an addict in a tailspin, but I have to remind myself of this, constantly. I don't really know that side of her. To me, she is the sober, hard working person I knew her as, although she had many problems with depression and anxiety even when clean. A friend if mine, an alcoholic in recovery, spoke to me a bit about addiction, and how quickly an addicts behavior can change for the worse. Phillip Seymore Hoffman, for instance: sober for almost twenty years, successful, productive. Then dead, a fairly short time after relapsing.

Watching someone you think you know become a stranger is, I think, the most painful experience one can have. When I think about her, she seems incapable of behaving the way she did at the end of our relationship. I don't think I will ever reconcile those two halves, the mostly kind one who adored me, and the sinister one who abused and manipulated me. And I will never know which one is genuine, because it doesn't seem possible that they were both her.

"To me, she is the sober, hard working person I knew her as, although she had many problems with depression and anxiety even when clean"

Panumbra... .I am an addict in recovery for 12 yrs. I have a sponsor. I go to 3 mtgs. a week (happily).I used to go to 7 a week. I help other addicts. I have a self-help network. And I had 3 yrs of T and group T at the beginning of my recovery.  

When you tell me she had anxiety and depression... .that, to me, sounds like "untreated" alcoholism.  Addicts problems center in their mind and spirit. Take away my drugs and alcohol and leave me "untreated"... I am going to be a mess. I was medicating my problem (me).

So take away my medicine and I am erratic, needy person and I will use credit cards, relationships, sex, exercise, work and anything else to medicate me... .becThe ause I have not addressed the problem... .I am only dry.  I am a distraught, miserable time-bomb... .just waiting to go off!  There is help out there and she knows it... .She just chooses not to seek it. She has chosen the other direction... .You cannot help her... .just let her go... .let her hit bottom... .take care of you, my friend. She is showing you the real "her".

Penumbra, 

I really feel for you. I had similar contact from my ex four months after a big blow up where he acted like he wanted to write me out of his life for exploring my feeling that he was using me while involved with another woman.  That (the blow up and cut off) was super hard but I worked hard at accepting it.  I set a boundary, he didn't like it, he made a decision, OK.

What was much harder was when he reached out as your ex is doing to you now.  Mine did not write words of apology but he did acts of apology.  He sent a special gift he had made himself, that was meaningful to us both.  He proposed to meet.

Like you I felt incredible resentment.  It surprised me.  I thought I was longing for him (and at some level I definitely still am).  But when he reached out, it was without any real repair.  It ignored what I'd said about my conditions for a close relationship.  It was without any emotional safety for me.  And most of all, like you wrote also, I felt used.  And worst: I thought he might be using me, but I wasn't sure.  That uncertainty has driven me nuts ever since (I didn't meet him and haven't heard from him since, and I struggle with regret around that and other boundaries I've set over the course of the r/ship that caused him to run).

But just think about that sentence I wrote above: "I thought he might be using me, but I wasn't sure."  Even not being sure whether someone you've loved so deeply might be using you ... .maybe that tells us everything we need to know.

Wow P&C ... .our stories are all so similar:

"But when he reached out, it was without any real repair.  It ignored what I'd said about my conditions for a close relationship.  It was without any emotional safety for me.  And most of all, like you wrote also, I felt used.  And worst: I thought he might be using me, but I wasn't sure.  That uncertainty has driven me nuts ever since (I didn't meet him and haven't heard from him since, and I struggle with regret around that and other boundaries I've set over the course of the r/ship that caused him to run)."

Mine would try to "accidentally" run into me.  So if I engaged in that I would be completely emotionally vulnerable as there was no admission or responsibility taken on their part, leaving the interaction on my emotional dime.  I always would not allow the contact... .after all it was starting with an outright manipulation. No thanks. Clearly nothing had changed.

Infrared:  Thanks so much for your willingness to be so honest with us here.  VERY refreshing.  My "belief" system about this disorder, addiction, and recovery are similar, but I  have not walked your walk.  I have written many times on this board my beliefs about the power of choice and free will--I do KNOW that change is more difficult for anyone with a personality disorder.

However, I know that change is difficult for EVERYBODY.  It is hard work. Years ago after reading everything Melody Beattie and Scott Peck had written, I had to face down that I'm codependent--and that isn't easy to change either.  It's certainly a significant reason why I entered a relationship with exBPDbf and why I stayed for a year of mostly torture and abuse.

As for apologies, here's what I got about three months after abandonment, "I'm sorry for everything that's happened."

My best girl friend's interpretation was, "SEE! He NEEDS you again."  As simple as that sounds, I believe she's correct.  Love=need for these folks.  Whatever it is they need (in my case, he needs me to back off and stop pursuing a financial settlement and court involvement).  Prior to his learning that I was pursuing legal remedies for the $$$, I had not heard a thing.

Thanks all for this thread.

"Watching someone you think you know become a stranger is, I think, the most painful experience one can have. When I think about her, she seems incapable of behaving the way she did at the end of our relationship. I don't think I will ever reconcile those two halves, the mostly kind one who adored me, and the sinister one who abused and manipulated me. And I will never know which one is genuine, because it doesn't seem possible that they were both her. "

My ex BPD fiancé went from affectionate and loving - concerned about me, my car, my dog, my job, etc and being there for me 100 percent to being cold, calculated, manipulative, angry, vindictive, abusive and out of control. 2 different people in a short period of time. It is like he turned the channel on the tv. Anything could piss him off.

I have no idea which one is genuine or if I meant one thing to him, ever. One minute Mr. Nice guy and the next split into a loving, kind, caring person. He only saw himself as the later. He never admitted his rages or his bizarre behaviors were an issue.

Oh, they are so much work and I am in the middle of graduating... .

Great thread peeps.


That's the kicker, she wasn't anyone, at least in a pure borderline sense.  Borderlines lack a sense of self, since they never detached from their primary caregivers as tots and developed their own self, their own ego.  We use our egos as a compass, it stays relatively stable regardless of the emotions we're experiencing, in other words when the sht hits the fan we still know who we are, but for someone without a self, rudderless, whatever they're feeling is their reality, and who they are to themselves is who they are in the moment, subject to change.  From the outside that gets labelled an unstable sense of self, hard to get our heads around at first, but once we do it becomes clear how someone could seem like an entirely different person in different situations and with different people, and how trying to reconcile the different manifestations is futile and pointless.

Well... .S far as my recovery goes... Pain and despair was my motivator... .it wasn't't like I woke up one day... .every thing was roses and I thought to myself... ."hmmmm. Maybe I should go to an AA Mtg today!".  I was hitting a horrible bottom... .emotionally, spiritually and physically... .I can at least thank my BPD treatment of me bringing me face to face with my disease.   

It is funny how are stories are so similar.

Mine was running off during the holidays (with my replacement, but lying about everything)... .but as she had announced she was leaving me and not giving me ANYA substantial reason for doing so... .at one point she slipped out with: "I didn't know this was going to happen". ... I said "well, hat exactly is happening?" (As I smelled a rat). She got very flustered and uncomfortable in that moment, but admitted to nothing... .but she knew I had caught her in a "thinking out loud" moment.

It just amazes me... that she obviously made herself available to this person, decided to become involved... .but in her world it "happened" to her. There was no involvement on her part... she was a victim... .and of course... if that is her reality... .she has absolutely no responsibility to me or our relationship.  No fuss no muss.  ... .as I headed straight off an emotional cliff.  She was like a person who came up out of the cellar after a tornado, the house is gone and she says:”I don't see anything wrong here".

So sick.

I believe that she thought that s

Before I understood about BPD, I had some experience dealing with addicts and alcoholics in my life. Three of my best friends growing up began drinking in junior high and went on to make total messes up their lives. One managed to stop drinking, and remains in recovery about eight years after he stopped. I've dated two women that were alcoholics, and one that was addicted to pain pills following a series of surgeries. They were very good at hiding their addictions, they worked, excelled in school. With my ex, it was a different story. She was probably the most mentally healthy she had been in her life, a stellar student, post graduation job opportunities, applying to top graduate schools, volunteering. Within weeks of using drugs and alcohol again, her entire life seem to unravel. She barely graduated from college, because she missed classes, got caught cheating, blew off assignments, failed midterms. She ended up begging a professor for enough extra credit points just to pass her class. She would show up at her internship so high that she had to lock herself in her office, vomiting in her trashcan, and nodding off. That was when she actually showed up for work.

Out of all the alcoholics and drug addicts I've known, only one of them behaved worse. He ended up in jail and homeless. I don't even know if he is still alive. It's funny, because even when she was sober, she reminded me of him. They both had a very elaborate way of solving ethical problems, creating arguments of great complexity where none was required. It's as if they both lacked a moral compass, and they struggled to understand issues of right and wrong that even an absolute moral relevist would breeze through in two seconds flat. Somewhere I picked up the term "moral moron," with obvious meaning. I think it describes her to a T.

Anyway, what I wanted to comment on was the idea of substituting one addiction for another. I questioned if her attraction to me– – obsession might be a more accurate term – –combined with her needy behavior, was an attempt to cope with her addictions while trying to maintain sobriety. I wondered if I took her mind off her drugs of choice. Sometimes her behavior in life and particularly towards me had that sense of desperation. I always had a feeling that I was managing not just my mental health – – which frankly is challenging enough – – but hers as well. And while I knew she was an unstable person, I had no idea she could fall so far so fast. It was only with a few months apart that I realized just how serious her addictions were, how sick she was. Again, being around alcoholics and drug addicts, living with them, dating them, watching them screw up their lives--nothing I've ever seen prepared me for this. They were mountains of stability compared to her.

I had naïvely arranged an assessment at an addiction treatment center for her, which would've taken all but an hour. This was a facility that my mother worked at for most of her career, and I ended up talking to one of her colleagues, who convinced me to bring her by. And of course when I mentioned it to her, she was simply "too busy" to make an appointment. My friend in recovery told me that I was running a fool's errand, but I honestly believed that if I could get her there, the problem was solved. All the experience I've had with my friends and family members, and my perspective with her is so far off. I was just too close I suppose. I had enough interactions with others with addiction, but with her I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

With both BPD and addiction problems, I don't think I'd have too much trouble understanding what someone else was going through. Certainly I could give advice to a friend in my situation if they needed it. But when it's me in the middle, I'm lost.

And that's a scary thing, isn't it? She wasn't anyone. Intellectually, I can understand an unstable sense of self, but only as an abstraction. It's like solving a complicated math problem  but having only a vague understanding of the concepts behind it. It's something I can't feel, can't imagine, that exists just beyond my understanding. Here is a person I felt very close to, my best friend, lover, family. A trusted confidant. And then to realize that who I thought she was isn't even really even a lie, but something worse. There was nothing genuine about her, no integrity, no consistent values or beliefs. Someone without the possibility of ever truly getting to know. The more I think about it the more my head hurts. Nothing in my life ever prepared me for this. It's no wonder my friends don't understand when it's something I'm still struggling to figure out.

An explanation that sits well with me is you know that voice in your head?  The one that just said 'what voice'?  A borderline doesn't have one of those, and probably has the voice of a punitive parent instead, which makes sure there's always shame, but since there is no central 'me' they look to attachments, external input, to 'become somebody'.  And also, since there's no ego voicing a voice, the emotions rule and become facts, like living in emotional weather with no protection full time, subject to the next storm.  That doesn't make the behaviors acceptable, but it does make them a little more understandable.

"And that's a scary thing, isn't it? She wasn't anyone. Intellectually, I can understand an unstable sense of self, but only as an abstraction. It's like solving a complicated math problem  but having only a vague understanding of the concepts behind it. It's something I can't feel, can't imagine, that exists just beyond my understanding. Here is a person I felt very close to, my best friend, lover, family. A trusted confidant. And then to realize that who I thought she was isn't even really even a lie, but something worse. There was nothing genuine about her, no integrity, no consistent values or beliefs. Someone without the possibility of ever truly getting to know. The more I think about it the more my head hurts. Nothing in my life ever prepared me for this. It's no wonder my friends don't understand when it's something I'm still struggling to figure out."

Once they could be trusted and they broke this trust with their lies, cheating, pushing/pulling, manipulating... .Who are they? Not even they know, so how are we suppose to? I still expect mine to be at my door saying "I am sorry, I didn't mean it, I love you." What a joke that is. He is incapable of loving anyone, himself included. I struggle daily with the unfairness of it all and the unbelievable acting I witnessed on a daily basis. He is not a man of character, he is a man in character at all times.

All in one day after 8 years my fiancé, best friend, lover, confidant disappeared without a trace. No one understands but those of us that have experienced dealing with BPD's just how complicated their thinking patterns are. Actually maybe complicated is not the word maybe simple, immature and impulsive.

My ex talked under his breath a lot and said thing out loud that he didn't mean for me to hear. Here are a few of them:

I am putting all your pictures in a box.

I am not going to stay at your house again.

I have a plan for sex. (it was that he was keeping it from me).

Sick.

In the case of alcoholics and addicts events like that can actually be the good news; when the consequences get so extreme that a lot of pain is felt it can be the wake up call, the 'hitting bottom' that is so necessary to start to look for other answers and break an addiction to chemicals.  Although with a personality disorder who knows; in my ex's case she didn't do drugs, except for a boatload of psychotropic pharmaceuticals, but when she drank it just exaggerated the behaviors, I liked it less and so did she, and it ended up being self-limiting because her life was hard enough.

Hi Penumbra,

I hope you're doing ok and all the great responses are you helping you process your exes message.

I got a text message 15 months after the end of my relationship. Thanks to this site I was expecting her make some effort to recycle or at least keep my on tap as a possible supply, but I still found it incredibly difficult.

When I read your posts I was reminded of one of the best lessons on the this site.

10 Beliefs that can you get stuck

pdf with full text

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Read more

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. Read more

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your BPD partners concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts... .Read more

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.  For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul... .Read more

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.

BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too... .Read more

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions.  “But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship... .Read more

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words... .

People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly. This implies... .Read more

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our BPD partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us. During an actual breakup it is different. Distancing triggers all kinds of abandonment... .Read more

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them

You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.  The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner – no matter how well intentioned.  Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior... .Read more

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away... .Read more

It's over two years since my relationship ended, but I find that I still need to this list every now and then to remind myself of the reality of my relationship.

Reforming

Thanks 4 the reminder!   

The problem is that even if a pwBPD has a moment of clarity and believes these kind words (i.e., is not just lying), she is likely to somehow get triggered into being a completely different person 2 weeks later.  So basically, her words mean nothing outside of brief time intervals. 

Reforming, thank you for this. To all who wrote in this thread, thank you.

For some reason her "apology" really bothered me. In fact, I have been meaning to respond for about a month now, but haven't posted ANYTHING until today.

There were so many broken agreements: to end the affair, to send him a goodbye message, erase his contact info, and to work on our relationship, to "make things right." Dumping me for him, then changing her mind, almost weekly for five or six weeks, all the while insisting on her "love" for me, while pulling away. I was in totally shock for weeks after the breakup, because I couldn't imagine anyone treating another human being like that. I simple could not believe it. And of course she mentions exactly that in her email, wondering how she could treat "a total stranger, let alone someone I loved." But she did, and showed very little remorse, mostly mocking me in my pain, telling me "these things happen, and you have to deal with it", and worse. So to me it's completely insincere, because I don't know how the need to behave with common decency suddenly becomes apparent. Most likely she's triangulating, checking the attachement. I remained no contact.

Last week a notice popped up on my phone that she had just visited my dating website account, so I turned the phone off. It took me about 24 hours to check my account, and I was filled with dread the entire time. Luckily, no message, and she had already deactivated her account before I could even block her. So she's made three appearances online including two emails, once every three or four weeks. Part of me wants to send her the most vicious, hate filled response, just so she'll leave me alone. Hopefully I will refrain, and eventually she will leave me alone.

NC for about four months, BU about six months ago. I will never understand how a 5'4" woman could cause so much grief: She still scares the he! out of me.