An Apology Message

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex uBPD gf left me on July 19 of this year, one day after my birthday, when I checked the messages on her phone to find her still having an affair with my replacement. She promptly dumped me, then began telling me her drug addicted, married replacement was someone she needed to be with for her "spirit," followed by numerous--but often shifting and contrary--rationalizations for what she had done, as well as minimizing any hurt she had done to me.

The cheating, lies, broken promises, and cruel behavior were something I've never experienced in 48 years of life, and I sunk into a devestating depression, including a partial hospitalization for three weeks during her affair, and two full days after she left. She knew about both hospitalizations, but claimed I was using them to manipulate her.

She disgarded me so causually while still insisting she would love me forever, but had "fallen" for another man, which she insisted could have happened to "anyone." They had been seeing each other on and off for about five weeks when she left, although she said she knew after being with him as a "friend" for a couple of days that our year-and-a-half long relationship was over.

I knew she had a history of drug and alcohol use, but had been in sober recovery for about two years. I had no idea that she was an addict, because she seemed very wise about the dangers of drugs and alcohol to others in her family. The first time she and her "friend" (the replacement) got together they used drugs, and within a week was using drugs and alcohol daily. A once basically good relationship was sabotaged by her addiction and affair. She  recycled me almost weekly for a month or so, leaving me for the last time only after he agreed to leave his wife.

We spoke twice and texted two-or-three times before I blocked her everywhere (except one forgotten email account). Almost three weeks ago she emailed a short message, asking me to make my public profile visible on Facebook, so she could "unobtrusively see how you are doing."  I did not respond.

Last night I recieved this email on the same dating site we met on almost two years ago.

Her message:--------------

"So. I have been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often - everyday, in fact. What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I accept that. I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything. I recently found out that my old boyfriend J____ died from an overdose and it really got me thinking about the people I've known and the things that I've done. But most of all I thought of you. You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you. It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that. I wish I'd treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most [she must mean abandoning me for the final time.] I am haunted by it. Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you."

-------------------------

She closed the account an hour later, so she's no longer on the site. I assume she is still with the replacement, otherwise she'd leave her profile up.

Her behavior was worse than anything I've ever scene, and it took a long time to realize that she was a disordered person, with BPD traits long before her drinking and drug use. Still, our relationship seemed good and strong before the drugs and alcohol. She also never truly painted me black, although at one point accussed me of a lack of committment, of not carring enough. And of course wanted "friendship" because she could not "imagine" me not being part of her life.

She went from someone I knew and trusted, to a horrible stranger, a monster, a demon. I've always struggled trying to reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person she became. She was always a very difficult, needy person, but I never suffered rages from her.

I have no intention of responding, but this message just reopened my wounds. Certainly she never appologized before. Why now? I welcome any support because my mind is realling.

~Penumbra

[Penumbra66]

My ex uBPD gf left me on July 19 of this year, one day after my birthday, when I checked the messages on her phone to find her still having an affair with my replacement. She promptly dumped me, then began telling me her drug addicted, married replacement was someone she needed to be with for her "spirit," followed by numerous--but often shifting and contrary--rationalizations for what she had done, as well as minimizing any hurt she had done to me.

The cheating, lies, broken promises, and cruel behavior were something I've never experienced in 48 years of life, and I sunk into a devestating depression, including a partial hospitalization for three weeks during her affair, and two full days after she left. She knew about both hospitalizations, but claimed I was using them to manipulate her.

She disgarded me so causually while still insisting she would love me forever, but had "fallen" for another man, which she insisted could have happened to "anyone." They had been seeing each other on and off for about five weeks when she left, although she said she knew after being with him as a "friend" for a couple of days that our year-and-a-half long relationship was over.

I knew she had a history of drug and alcohol use, but had been in sober recovery for about two years. I had no idea that she was an addict, because she seemed very wise about the dangers of drugs and alcohol to others in her family. The first time she and her "friend" (the replacement) got together they used drugs, and within a week was using drugs and alcohol daily. A once basically good relationship was sabotaged by her addiction and affair. She  recycled me almost weekly for a month or so, leaving me for the last time only after he agreed to leave his wife.

We spoke twice and texted two-or-three times before I blocked her everywhere (except one forgotten email account). Almost three weeks ago she emailed a short message, asking me to make my public profile visible on Facebook, so she could "unobtrusively see how you are doing."  I did not respond.

Last night I recieved this email on the same dating site we met on almost two years ago.

Her message:--------------

"So. I have been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often - everyday, in fact. What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I accept that. I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything. I recently found out that my old boyfriend J____ died from an overdose and it really got me thinking about the people I've known and the things that I've done. But most of all I thought of you. You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you. It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that. I wish I'd treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most [she must mean abandoning me for the final time.] I am haunted by it. Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you."

-------------------------

She closed the account an hour later, so she's no longer on the site. I assume she is still with the replacement, otherwise she'd leave her profile up.

Her behavior was worse than anything I've ever scene, and it took a long time to realize that she was a disordered person, with BPD traits long before her drinking and drug use. Still, our relationship seemed good and strong before the drugs and alcohol. She also never truly painted me black, although at one point accussed me of a lack of committment, of not carring enough. And of course wanted "friendship" because she could not "imagine" me not being part of her life.

She went from someone I knew and trusted, to a horrible stranger, a monster, a demon. I've always struggled trying to reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person she became. She was always a very difficult, needy person, but I never suffered rages from her.

I have no intention of responding, but this message just reopened my wounds. Certainly she never appologized before. Why now? I welcome any support because my mind is realling.

~Penumbra

[billypilgrim]

I have no intention of responding, but this message just reopened my wounds. Certainly she never appologized before. Why now? I welcome any support because my mind is realling.

~Penumbra

I can't imagine how reading that probably made you feel.  I really don't want to read anything like that from mine, though I don't think she's capable of writing anything in which she is at fault for hurting someone.  But as to why she's writing you now: my guess?  She has to feel like she is in control.  The death of the ex probably made her feel like she's lost some control.  So what does she do?  She tries to pull someone from her past back in her life.  You have been painted white again, congrats  .  I think you are correct in not responding, nothing good will come of that.  Good luck, try not to dwell or think too much about that note from her.

[enlighten me]

I wish my ex would write something like that to me. It would meen that she was showing self awareness of her problem. Without being self aware they cannot be helped.

Put aside your pain and see it as a good thing. We all would want someone we loved to get the proper help and for them to be able to lead a normal life without hurting anyone else.

If my ex wrote that I would reply.

I would say something like. Thank you. I know you couldnt see at the time how much you were hurting me and I am glad that you are able to see it now. I realise that ackowledging it must have been very painful for you. Now that you are aware of your actions what do you intend to do about it?

Im not saying you should respond only what I would do. Our situations are different as I have a son with mine.

[Trog]

Yadaa Yadaa, I've added to my darkness, oh dear, so sad too bad. 'So precious' but not precious enough to care when you were in hospital or try to resist the urge to be with another guy for her 'spirit' (that one takes the cake btw). I know we all want to hear apologies, real honest, I've changed apologies, I doubt it's that, I think it's more bottomless pit of need reaching out for another chance to rip your heart from it's chest. Do I sound bitter? I am! Discount what I say by 50% Stay strong  . If you must respond, think carefully first and take care of you above all else.

[almostmarried]

... .yes yes yes... .on Monday I apologize... .and on Tuesday... .what the heck... .I don´t care... .

I wouldn´t spent one second thinking  about her "reasons" why she is contacting you... .that´s the EASIEST thing in the world to do ... .push a few buttons on your PC... .push "send"... .that´s it.

Thats NOTHING.

[evilpepsi]

... .yes yes yes... .on Monday I apologize... .and on Tuesday... .what the heck... .I don´t care... .

I wouldn´t spent one second thinking  about her "reasons" why she is contacting you... .that´s the EASIEST thing in the world to do ... .push a few buttons on your PC... .push "send"... .that´s it.

Thats NOTHING.

This comes straight from my first exBPDgf who is now very healthy after years of therapy-"ignore what she says and does. Do not think about it at all. Move on and try to forget that she ever happened.""there will never be true happiness with an untreated borderline."

She has a masters in psych as well, so hopefully this will help you some... .

[Penumbra66]

Thank you all for responding. I read through your messages several times, and I appreciate your feedback.

Enlighten me: you might do exactly what you recommend, and write a thoughtful response. I can't. I feel like she quite literally left me for dead. She has had her own problems with suicidal ideation and depression. Certainly she is been in a similar situation to me before, and yet she chose to leave me almost destroyed by her behavior to be with her shiny new boyfriend. I have a long history of depression. But I've been functioning well for several years and I've never been suicidal. At least not until this happened. She knew this, and she choose to walk anyways. Too many broken promises to ever forgive. She had promised me before this even began that she would never leave me for another. And yet, when she did, she acted with such cruelty that I was left completely heartbroken. I asked myself existential questions. The most important one was how a human being could possibly do this to someone they loved. She writes about this herself, and yet she provides no answer. I will never figure out how a person could ever justify doing this. This wasn't even "just" cheating or lying. This felt like a manipulation of my entire life experience until I didn't know which and was up. And as I got sicker and sicker, as I struggled for the truth, and my weakest moment she stabs me in the back and abandons me.

Trog: i'm probably just as biased and jaded as you are. How incredibly convenient of her to write a paragraph emphasizing not my pain, but hers. One would think if the behavior was as hurtful to her as she now claims, she would not have been able to do it.

In the end, what hurts the most was not that our relationship ended, but that it was utterly destroyed. How could someone that claims me to be so precious to her "still" have done any of the things she did to me?

I've never found it very helpful when someone tells me to "just forget about her," because if I could I would. But this relationship was one of the most profound I've ever had, and for many months, I believe it to be a good one. However, The idea that they would ever change is obviously hopeless. In a way, if she actually feels bad, as she claims, her life is truly tragic. If I had ever behave that she had, I would not be able to live with myself. On the other hand, I have a feeling that this is much more about her and her needs, Then mine. The fact that I have blocked her certainly made her realize that continued contact was not wanted. She violated that. Perhaps she had concern for me, or perhaps it was her guilt, or perhaps it is an attempt at triangulation. Whatever her reasons, I know that this is thrown me for a loop.

Thank you all again.

~P

[Caredverymuch]

My ex uBPD gf left me on July 19 of this year, one day after my birthday, when I checked the messages on her phone to find her still having an affair with my replacement. She promptly dumped me, then began telling me her drug addicted, married replacement was someone she needed to be with for her "spirit," followed by numerous--but often shifting and contrary--rationalizations for what she had done, as well as minimizing any hurt she had done to me.

The cheating, lies, broken promises, and cruel behavior were something I've never experienced in 48 years of life, and I sunk into a devestating depression, including a partial hospitalization for three weeks during her affair, and two full days after she left. She knew about both hospitalizations, but claimed I was using them to manipulate her.

She disgarded me so causually while still insisting she would love me forever, but had "fallen" for another man, which she insisted could have happened to "anyone." They had been seeing each other on and off for about five weeks when she left, although she said she knew after being with him as a "friend" for a couple of days that our year-and-a-half long relationship was over.

I knew she had a history of drug and alcohol use, but had been in sober recovery for about two years. I had no idea that she was an addict, because she seemed very wise about the dangers of drugs and alcohol to others in her family. The first time she and her "friend" (the replacement) got together they used drugs, and within a week was using drugs and alcohol daily. A once basically good relationship was sabotaged by her addiction and affair. She  recycled me almost weekly for a month or so, leaving me for the last time only after he agreed to leave his wife.

We spoke twice and texted two-or-three times before I blocked her everywhere (except one forgotten email account). Almost three weeks ago she emailed a short message, asking me to make my public profile visible on Facebook, so she could "unobtrusively see how you are doing."  I did not respond.

Last night I recieved this email on the same dating site we met on almost two years ago.

Her message:--------------

"So. I have been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often - everyday, in fact. What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I accept that. I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything. I recently found out that my old boyfriend J____ died from an overdose and it really got me thinking about the people I've known and the things that I've done. But most of all I thought of you. You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you. It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that. I wish I'd treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most [she must mean abandoning me for the final time.] I am haunted by it. Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you."

-------------------------

She closed the account an hour later, so she's no longer on the site. I assume she is still with the replacement, otherwise she'd leave her profile up.

Her behavior was worse than anything I've ever scene, and it took a long time to realize that she was a disordered person, with BPD traits long before her drinking and drug use. Still, our relationship seemed good and strong before the drugs and alcohol. She also never truly painted me black, although at one point accussed me of a lack of committment, of not carring enough. And of course wanted "friendship" because she could not "imagine" me not being part of her life.

She went from someone I knew and trusted, to a horrible stranger, a monster, a demon. I've always struggled trying to reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person she became. She was always a very difficult, needy person, but I never suffered rages from her.

I have no intention of responding, but this message just reopened my wounds. Certainly she never appologized before. Why now? I welcome any support because my mind is realling.

~Penumbra

Since you have stated you have no intention of responding, it seems you are detached enough to not let this trigger you.

I may be the outlier here but if I rec'd a note like this from my expBPD, being out of the r/s and NC for quite some time, this would indeed provide the closure I had always wished for and sought after being abandoned. I personally would not question the why or whats, rather I would accept the well deserved apology and expression that I did mean the same to my expbd as he did to me. I would accept his owning of the horribly hurtful way I was left.

And, I would continue to move forward in that light, not backward. Taking everything I know of the disorder and of myself in personal inventory,  while remaining NC. This in no way would reopen the wound.  It would provide the final layer of healing of the wound.

[myself]

It reads like it could have a big "But... ." at the end.

Something like, "But the rest of this untrustworthy story... ."

Which you're already seeing, Penumbra66, rightly so.

It's closure if you accept it that way.

More fuel for the fire or whatever.

But... .She mostly wrote that to her ghost(s), not you.

[1989]

First, a big hug, because this stuff is really hard.  I am truly sorry for your suffering in July.  I have been close to that level before, and like your ex, mine could not have cared less.  That is so very painful.  It sounds like you are doing remarkably well, and that says so much about you and your inner strength, because depression is hard.

I've had two apologies like this that were spread over a 20 year period (I went "MIA" for 17 years).  The last time we spoke was in 2011.  I got the "regrets" speech.  The "never forgot you."  Never blah, blah, blah.  And I believed it because it sounded so sincere.  It took about three weeks for the cold, don't-really-give-a-damn-about-you attitude to return.  It ended with him saying he thought it best we never talk again.

If I had accepted his first apology in 1991 as closure then I would have been done with this 20 years earlier than I was.  

[oletimefeelin]

There's certainly a kernel of truth in all of the replies here.  Your gal does deserve some sympathy.  It sounds like one of her exes recently passed away suddenly.  Perhaps, she wishes she had said some things to this person if given the chance.  Which is why she's reaching out to you now.

Given the chemical dependency running through her life, you've got to get the hell out of dodge.  Stay strong.

[Trog]

Another thing -

I found, that when any event happened in my exBPDw life, like a family member dying of hers, or a friend, she would reach out absolutely everyone and try to reconnect, almost like she collects people and then needs to do a head count when there is an emergency,

And to the 'special people' (or poor basta8ds as our collective rock band name would be) they would all get an email, that took 5 mins to send off, loaded with 'why won't you speak to me, I loved you more than anyone, you were my soulmate'.

If you looked down her sent items you would see a list of her ex names one after the other who she was contacting in this way try to re-engage any. The emails were not identical in words, but in sentiment, each of them were special and she needed them and they were not there, have love letter half poison pen letter. Don't be fooled, you were probably not the only person she was thinking back on, this is a reaction to the ex dying, it's not about you, it's always always always about them.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

A nice email from someone who disrespected you like no other.  Now do the necessary -  Delete.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

D-e-l-e-t-e.

Self-realization, if it ever comes forth from a BPD, is always too late in the relationship.

My exgf wrote a similar diatribe. nothing like pouring salt into the wound she created.

[evilpepsi]

I'm going to have to agree. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice... .

[peiper]

I'd bet that your replacement is gone or being painted black. These individuals are scared to death of being alone. Mine never apologized,  just acted apologetic. She could never bring herself to admit she was wrong. But I let her back many times and within a week or two she was right back to her usual behavior.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Penumbra-

The message you got is what many folks here wish they would get, an apology and some kind of closure, but it seems it had a negative effect for you, so I thought I'd take a pass at dissection, hopefully as a reframe:

So. I have been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often - everyday, in fact. What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I accept that.

Some self awareness there, along with shame.  A borderline can't get too close to someone without feeling engulfed, but can't be alone without feeling abandoned, so an easy fix is to jump to 'replacements', new attachments, when the engulfment gets too strong in the current relationship.  That works in the short term, removes the engulfment feelings without feeling the abandonment ones, but does nothing to alleviate the underlying punitive parent and persecution complex, and just adds to the shame, already substantial, which she confirms with "added to my darkness" and the fact she says she deserves it.

I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything.

Back to lack of awareness, although an apology using the word apologize, rare and valuable around here.

You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you.

Then why did she leave you?  See above.

It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that.

This is actually pretty good, she's aware something is there and may be digging for it.

I wish I'd treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most.  I am haunted by it.

Another apology, and "haunted" by that shame pile that keeps getting bigger.

Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you."

Actually she does care if you think badly of her, very much, it's confirmation of how she feels about herself.  But more apology, an exaggerated one this time.

Personally I would have rather gotten the note you did than the one I did; I got "I'm sorry for my part in the ugliness" which is an apology of sorts, although it was buried in a missive full of unwillingness to take responsibility and devaluation, and ended with attempts to reestablish a 'friendship' because she 'misses me'.  For me at the time, having detached a little and learned about the disorder, the whole thing was transparent and confirmation that she did indeed exhibit strong traits of the disorder, things I had no clue about when I was in it, so getting the note actually helped with the detachment. 

I agree with Cared that taking it at face value and using it to move forward is the best move, once you've digested and processed it a bit more.  There's what happens and what we make it mean, and one option is to make it mean you got the closure without an attempt at recycling, something so many here would love.  Take care of you!

[KeepOnGoing]

Hi Penumbra-

The message you got is what many folks here wish they would get, an apology and some kind of closure, but it seems it had a negative effect for you, so I thought I'd take a pass at dissection, hopefully as a reframe:

So. I have been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often - everyday, in fact. What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I accept that.

Some self awareness there, along with shame.  A borderline can't get too close to someone without feeling engulfed, but can't be alone without feeling abandoned, so an easy fix is to jump to 'replacements', new attachments, when the engulfment gets too strong in the current relationship.  That works in the short term, removes the engulfment feelings without feeling the abandonment ones, but does nothing to alleviate the underlying punitive parent and persecution complex, and just adds to the shame, already substantial, which she confirms with "added to my darkness" and the fact she says she deserves it.

I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything.



Back to lack of awareness, although an apology using the word apologize, rare and valuable around here.

You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you.

Then why did she leave you?  See above.

It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that.

This is actually pretty good, she's aware something is there and may be digging for it.

I wish I'd treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most.  I am haunted by it.

Another apology, and "haunted" by that shame pile that keeps getting bigger.

Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you."

Actually she does care if you think badly of her, very much, it's confirmation of how she feels about herself.  But more apology, an exaggerated one this time.

Personally I would have rather gotten the note you did than the one I did; I got "I'm sorry for my part in the ugliness" which is an apology of sorts, although it was buried in a missive full of unwillingness to take responsibility and devaluation, and ended with attempts to reestablish a 'friendship' because she 'misses me'.  For me at the time, having detached a little and learned about the disorder, the whole thing was transparent and confirmation that she did indeed exhibit strong traits of the disorder, things I had no clue about when I was in it, so getting the note actually helped with the detachment.  

I agree with Cared that taking it at face value and using it to move forward is the best move, once you've digested and processed it a bit more.  There's what happens and what we make it mean, and one option is to make it mean you got the closure without an attempt at recycling, something so many here would love.  Take care of you!

This is just beautiful. Thank you, FronHeelToHeal, for breaking it down and explaining each part. Very helpful, educational, informative, and even beautiful. I hurt for all of us and for the BPDs. Their disorder is so painful and sad for everyone concerned. Thank you all for helping me make some sense of the despair and longing I am feeling today. And thank you for the thread, Penumbra. I needed all of this today.

[KeepOnGoing]

One last thing, FronHeelToHeal - Do they know these stages? Do they understand why they do what they do as beautifully as you do?

[fromheeltoheal]

One last thing, FronHeelToHeal - Do they know these stages? Do they understand why they do what they do as beautifully as you do?

Thanks Keep.  First, there is no "they", there's only a bunch of traits, and when they're clustered together in the same personality we label them traits of borderline personality disorder.  Plus, the disorder is often comorbid with other disorders, meaning the traits of other disorders like NPD, ASPD, substance abuse, whatever, are also present in that personality, so bottom line, everyone's different.

For borderlines feelings are facts, so whatever's going on in the current emotional storm is the reality of the moment.  My ex, and many here have said there's too, knew something was just "off", that she was "different" in some way, but the defense mechanisms were working too well and digging into what was really going on was too painful, so she was only at the very beginning of any self-awareness.

What it takes, for all of us, not just "personality disordered" individuals, which is on a continuum anyway and we all exhibit the traits at least once in a while, what it takes is some humility and some self-awareness.  And that requires a letting go of the tools, the defense mechanisms, that worked well for a long time, not an easy thing to do, and usually motivated by pain.  Think like an alcoholic needs to 'hit bottom' before they become teachable and open to help and other veiwpoints beyond their own.  Someone in that headspace could stumble on a description of personality disorders and see themselves, or seek professional help, and even then, being told you have a mental illness is not easy to hear, for anyone, and shakes up an entire life.  There is no cure for the disorder, but a sufferer can learn to manage the symptoms, same as an alcoholic, but it's a tough road.

[Caredverymuch]

One last thing, FronHeelToHeal - Do they know these stages? Do they understand why they do what they do as beautifully as you do?

Thanks Keep.  First, there is no "they", there's only a bunch of traits, and when they're clustered together in the same personality we label them traits of borderline personality disorder.  Plus, the disorder is often comorbid with other disorders, meaning the traits of other disorders like NPD, ASPD, substance abuse, whatever, are also present in that personality, so bottom line, everyone's different.

For borderlines feelings are facts, so whatever's going on in the current emotional storm is the reality of the moment.  My ex, and many here have said there's too, knew something was just "off", that she was "different" in some way, but the defense mechanisms were working too well and digging into what was really going on was too painful, so she was only at the very beginning of any self-awareness.

What it takes, for all of us, not just "personality disordered" individuals, which is on a continuum anyway and we all exhibit the traits at least once in a while, what it takes is some humility and some self-awareness.  And that requires a letting go of the tools, the defense mechanisms, that worked well for a long time, not an easy thing to do, and usually motivated by pain.  Think like an alcoholic needs to 'hit bottom' before they become teachable and open to help and other veiwpoints beyond their own.  Someone in that headspace could stumble on a description of personality disorders and see themselves, or seek professional help, and even then, being told you have a mental illness is not easy to hear, for anyone, and shakes up an entire life.  There is no cure for the disorder, but a sufferer can learn to manage the symptoms, same as an alcoholic, but it's a tough road.

These are valid points most being: there is no " cure."  There are therapies that help modulate behaviors and the individual has to be very committed to therapy. Its not a quick fix of you will. Its an on going process taking years for many.  These individual have a personality that is disordered. Its been their life. Can you imagine the process of trying to undo much of that?

Read member Oceanheart posts for very thorough perspective on a pBPD who's addressed the disorder.  Extremely solid and forthcoming. 

[Penumbra66]

Hi Penumbra-

The message you got is what many folks here wish they would get, an apology and some kind of closure, but it seems it had a negative effect for you, so I thought I'd take a pass at dissection, hopefully as a reframe:

So. I have been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often - everyday, in fact. What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I accept that.

Some self awareness there, along with shame.  A borderline can't get too close to someone without feeling engulfed, but can't be alone without feeling abandoned, so an easy fix is to jump to 'replacements', new attachments, when the engulfment gets too strong in the current relationship.  That works in the short term, removes the engulfment feelings without feeling the abandonment ones, but does nothing to alleviate the underlying punitive parent and persecution complex, and just adds to the shame, already substantial, which she confirms with "added to my darkness" and the fact she says she deserves it.

I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything.



Back to lack of awareness, although an apology using the word apologize, rare and valuable around here.

You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you.

Then why did she leave you?  See above.

It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that.

This is actually pretty good, she's aware something is there and may be digging for it.

I wish I'd treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most.  I am haunted by it.

Another apology, and "haunted" by that shame pile that keeps getting bigger.

Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you."

Actually she does care if you think badly of her, very much, it's confirmation of how she feels about herself.  But more apology, an exaggerated one this time.

Personally I would have rather gotten the note you did than the one I did; I got "I'm sorry for my part in the ugliness" which is an apology of sorts, although it was buried in a missive full of unwillingness to take responsibility and devaluation, and ended with attempts to reestablish a 'friendship' because she 'misses me'.  For me at the time, having detached a little and learned about the disorder, the whole thing was transparent and confirmation that she did indeed exhibit strong traits of the disorder, things I had no clue about when I was in it, so getting the note actually helped with the detachment. 

I agree with Cared that taking it at face value and using it to move forward is the best move, once you've digested and processed it a bit more.  There's what happens and what we make it mean, and one option is to make it mean you got the closure without an attempt at recycling, something so many here would love.  Take care of you!

FromHeelToHeal--

Thank you for this wonderful post. It is truly appreciated.

It's a very well-written apology, no doubt. It may even be sincere. Sort of. Unfortunately for me it caused nothing but grief this entire weekend. My ex had a habit of constantly telling me how much she loved me, even after leaving me, which left me in a deep state of confusion for weeks. She wanted post-abandonment friendship, to "be there" for me, called me her best friend, soul mate, etc. Before and after the breakup, the difference between her words and her actions was nothing but chaos. Insanity. She held on to me for dear life, but when the replacement left his wife, she was done. Except she wasn't. Hours after dumping me the "I really do love you" text arrives. The second time she dumped me for the replacement she sends me a love song. A month after leaving me, she sends a short story on soul mates.

There were a number of promises to end the affair, to repair our relationship, to "make things right" between us. She never followed through on her words. Ever. And now, five months out, she is telling me how "precious" I am to her? I've heard it before, and it never meant a thing. So as much as I'd like to believe in her sincerity, I really can't.

I don't think she wants to be with me, but I do think she wants me in her life in some capacity. In fact, I know she does. I feel that her note was more an attempt at connection than apology. So for me, I feel the same resentment I felt in the last weeks of our realtionship, as well as the two months post breakup. Just a bunch of words with no meaning.

Her note really opened old wounds.

[fromheeltoheal]

You're welcome Pen.

I don't think she wants to be with me, but I do think she wants me in her life in some capacity. In fact, I know she does.

Mine wanted the same.  Too close feel engulfed, too far away feel abandoned, perpetual push/pull.  Although a borderline wants what everyone wants: to be loved, to love, to rise up into that love and feel it, live in it.  Problem is they can never get there sustainably without being triggered, and feel great shame because of it.  That is an extremely painful existence and just plain sad, but the tools, the defense mechanisms, show up to allow her to feel better, and from the outside it looks and feels like insanity.  But under it all there's a desire to keep people she cares about, and knows care about her, in her life on some level, at arm's length emotionally, because on some level she knows that's the only way it might work sustainably; there's self awareness in there somewhere, if only partially conscious. 

That roller coaster will never stop, and our only solace is getting off.  I'm preaching to the choir.  Take care of you man.

[downwhim]

5 months out and she writes an apology... .hum. Part of me thinks this is as sincere as she can get - her way to reconnect on some level. The other part of me says, this is b... .it. You have been working on healing from this dysfunctional relationship and she has opened up those wounds because of HER guilt. This is all about her.

This reminds me why N/C and closing every account, every avenue they can sneak into is important. The day he emailed me our engagement was off I cut off ALL contact to me. He didn't value me or the gift of my love. We got too close and he had to run.

My heart goes out to you. I agree delete.

[Sandman1881]

She went from someone I knew and trusted, to a horrible stranger, a monster, a demon.

Focus on this.

"oh, the real you."

I'm shattered. More so than I've ever been before in my life. She may see all as black or white. I see everything as grey.

I pray. I try to comprehend. I catch myself trying to make order from disorder. I fell for it. I fell for the dream. And I got more than I bargained for. Until this point, I had never realized that relationships truly can be deadly.

It was so bad. She was in control of almost everything. Once I tried to logically explain the control to her just to see if she realized what I was saying. She shook her head no and then focused on the one thing I did still have control of and how I abused that power. I knew at that point she really could not see her part.

I tried by trying. I tried by not trying. In the end the only thing that did work for me was nothing.

Thank you for sharing. I say delete it without a second though. Keep your power.

[Infared]

Penumbra... .

Her actions devastated you... .her words constantly tricked you and deceived you. She is an addict in a tail spin making one bad decision after another... .and all her decisions are based on whatever her immediate needs are. And those needs are not healthy ones.   Whatever the reason is she got in touch with you, you can bet it has someting to do with her needs and nothing to do with you. I know getting a note like that would be very upsetting to me... .but I would do everything in my power not to let it effect my life.

I have been through similar treatment, and no matter what she "says", I would not ever respond. I just could not feel as though I loved me if I opened the door, even a crack to someone who treated me in such a horribly vile way.  It is just a bunch of words from a totally unreliable, suspect source. Nothing more. Just swallow hard, stand up and move forward. Take care of you... .She deserves nothing from you. ... .and that's all on her!

[Penumbra66]

One of the things I struggle to make sense of is the role of addiction in her behavior. She was sober until the replacement came along, and had been for about two years. I had never known her when she was using, other than one drunked night and a few times she had taken narcotics leftover from surgery about two years prior. She had told me she "had been" an alcoholic, and had done some really stupid things in her teens, including taking a bottle of  antidepressants for God knows what reason, suffering from serotin poisoning. She told me she suffered an "ego death" from acid. She sounded hardcore from her stories, but seemed fairly uninterested in drugs and alcohol, mainly because of the effect they had on her disfunctional family. Drug addicted brother, alcoholic mother and sister, all daily pot smokers. She kept them at arms length to avoid their influence.

She was always a difficult, demanding person, but I mostly enjoyed being with her. Mostly. Getting time of my own, to work, to exercise, see friends, was a chore. But she never raged. And up until the day before the replacement came along, we had two really good weeks. No drama, no fighting. She is much younger than I am, and she seemed to have grown up and become very responsible and independant in the last six months of our relationship. But within the first week or so of drug use, she was using every single day, then started missing classes, failed an internship, and destroyed our relationship. I always wondered what would have happened had her drug addicted boyfriend not come along, because she picked a horrible person to mirror.

So thats the most difficult question for me. Who was she really?

[Splitblack4good]

I don't think she wants to be with me, but I do think she wants me in her life in some capacity. In fact, I know she does


My ex has split me blacker than black ! We split nearly 5 weeks ago she can't even look at me let alone be in her life as anything ! She doesn't want to be a freind when I offerd her that in time the response I got was

NO ! I am with l***e and he wouldn't like it ! Plus I don't like who you are now you are NOT the person I knew and met 5 years ago ! .

It amazes me with BPD is that a week before we split and she devalued me big style is she was planning our wedding ! And was told how much she loved me and couldnt keep her hands off me and promised me she would never me ! Boy was I stupid in beleiving Her .

[Splitblack4good]

One of the things I struggle to make sense of is the role of addiction in her behavior. She was sober until the replacement came along, and had been for about two years. I had never known her when she was using, other than one drunked night and a few times she had taken narcotics leftover from surgery about two years prior. She had told me she "had been" an alcoholic, and had done some really stupid things in her teens, including taking a bottle of  antidepressants for God knows what reason, suffering from serotin poisoning. She told me she suffered an "ego death" from acid. She sounded hardcore from her stories, but seemed fairly uninterested in drugs and alcohol, mainly because of the effect they had on her disfunctional family. Drug addicted brother, alcoholic mother and sister, all daily pot smokers. She kept them at arms length to avoid their influence.

She was always a difficult, demanding person, but I mostly enjoyed being with her. Mostly. Getting time of my own, to work, to exercise, see friends, was a chore. But she never raged. And up until the day before the replacement came along, we had two really good weeks. No drama, no fighting. She is much younger than I am, and she seemed to have grown up and become very responsible and independant in the last six months of our relationship. But within the first week or so of drug use, she was using every single day, then started missing classes, failed an internship, and destroyed our relationship. I always wondered what would have happened had her drug addicted boyfriend not come along, because she picked a horrible person to mirror.

So thats the most difficult question for me. Who was she really?

I've got the exact same proplem my ex has compleatly changed as a person I once knew in just 5 weeks of being with my replacement  he's a unemployed drug dealer been in prison 3 times for Gbh stabbed someone ! Her attitude since mirroring him sucks ! She looks terrible now aswell really lazy starting fights every weekend fuelled my alcohol ! She really has turned nasty .

[Penumbra66]

Penumbra... .

Her actions devastated you... .her words constantly tricked you and deceived you. She is an addict in a tail spin making one bad decision after another... .and all her decisions are based on whatever her immediate needs are. And those needs are not healthy ones.   Whatever the reason is she got in touch with you, you can bet it has someting to do with her needs and nothing to do with you. I know getting a note like that would be very upsetting to me... .but I would do everything in my power not to let it effect my life.

I have been through similar treatment, and no matter what she "says", I would not ever respond. I just could not feel as though I loved me if I opened the door, even a crack to someone who treated me in such a horribly vile way.  It is just a bunch of words from a totally unreliable, suspect source. Nothing more. Just swallow hard, stand up and move forward. Take care of you... .She deserves nothing from you. ... .and that's all on her!

I think I'm smart enough to realize that she is indeed an addict in a tailspin, but I have to remind myself of this, constantly. I don't really know that side of her. To me, she is the sober, hard working person I knew her as, although she had many problems with depression and anxiety even when clean. A friend if mine, an alcoholic in recovery, spoke to me a bit about addiction, and how quickly an addicts behavior can change for the worse. Phillip Seymore Hoffman, for instance: sober for almost twenty years, successful, productive. Then dead, a fairly short time after relapsing.

Watching someone you think you know become a stranger is, I think, the most painful experience one can have. When I think about her, she seems incapable of behaving the way she did at the end of our relationship. I don't think I will ever reconcile those two halves, the mostly kind one who adored me, and the sinister one who abused and manipulated me. And I will never know which one is genuine, because it doesn't seem possible that they were both her.