BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I believe i have a SO with BPD traits. I feel like the relationship is spiraling downwards. We are at a point where we are hurting each other both physical and emotional. I want it to stop. I feel like I am developing BPD as well being in this relationship. I am so lost and confused. She has threatened to leave our apartment but every time we end up back on the same spot. She claims that she has nowhere to go so she must leave her stuff at the apartment. She also proposed that she live with me for 3 months and after that she will get out for real. I am quite depressed and and just don't know what to do.

Best,

Sheed

Hello, Sheed &  *welcome*

I'm really sorry for the troubles that have brought you here, but very happy you have found us 

There are so many members of this Board who have suffered the way you are suffering now (and have been), and who understand exactly what you have been dealing with. I'm a bit troubled about the physical and emotional hurting that is happening in your relationship... .Are you Okay? Are you safe? There are many links to the right-hand side of this page, and you will find them to be invaluable for you to read... .You can get a good handle on understanding your partner's behaviors, and learning the communication tools and techniques that can help you to stop making things worse, and even start to make them better. I'd recommend checking out every single one of those links, and especially this one: Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf) if the hurting doesn't stop... .

Can you tell us a bit more of your story? How long have you 2 been together? Are you married? Live together? Have any children? I'm so sorry for the push and pull, up and down features of your relationship, but you really will learn why your partner has those behaviors, and how to deal with them if you read what you can on this site, and let us know more about your situation... .We really want to help, Sheed 

First off you are not developing BPD, that is a life long disorder, but it is possible to to develop Post Traumatic Stress issues. More likely though you are just questioning your sense of self and your frustration levels are affecting your own ability to properly regulate your own emotions and are running on reactions

Thank you all for your replies. It really is nice to know that i can talk to a group of people about our situation. We have been together for about 1yr and 3mos now and we are living together. The last violent episode was about 3 weeks ago where i was left with a bruise on my left eye... So far we have not been violent to each other but the verbal abuse is constant. I made a huge mistake of fighting fire with fire so this is why i think it got to a point of being physical to each other. This happens usually when she doesn't allow me to step outside the house and take a walk to take my self out of the escalating argument. She tells me that I always walk away from my problems and that i am a coward for stepping out and taking a walk. There was a time when i had to jump out of the window to get away, but now she uses this "jumping out of the window" thing as a tool to further attack my core. She would say something like, "you hate being with me so much that you jumped out of the window just to get away from me." You see, it is something like this that i do not know how to tackle or answer. She also constantly accuses me of cheating on her especially if i missed a call or forgot to text her or even if i get home from work 10 minutes late from my usual arrival.

When we are watching a movie, she constantly asks me if i am attracted to the girls in the movie, or if i find them attractive. And then goes on to ask something like, "So you think they're ugly?" and furthermore ":)o you swear that on your family?" If she asks me these questions once or twice, i can understand, but everyday? how do you answer those questions and make sure that you don't get frustrated from answering the same thing over and over again? I just resort to saying "NO" all the time because i don't want her to lash out on me... .I have tried saying "YES" once and she lashed out on me like there's no tomorrow.

There has been so many things going on so if you have any further questions, please just let me know and i will try my best to answer them.

Thanks!

There is a lot going on here. You are not going to deal with this head on or have a pat answer to stop this.

Once someone is in this level of aggression it is too late to do much. What you will learn here are several things.

First and foremost are boundaries to stop your exposure to extreme behavior. What is happening here with you having to climb out of the window is that you are leaving it too late to depart the scene. It is desperate reaction to get out of the firing line rather than proactive. Think of it as getting out of the car after it gone over the cliff rather than when its heading for it.

When it comes to leaving you need to think this out prior, work out now what you can do next time, where you can go. Somewhere useful and somewhere you can stay as long as possible. Just walking around the park muttering in frustration to yourself then coming back well before time and have the whole thing blow up again is not the best way of doing it. Be prepared.

Secondly you are getting sucked into JADE (justify, defend,argue,explain). This were you are trying to explain yourself when you shouldn't have too. you probably find the subject shifts until your excuses get weaker and a loophole is exposed or you get so frustrated you loose it and the finger can be pointed at you for loosing it.

She knows this, it is not about the subject is about provoking you, so that you engage her, helping her vent and pass her dramas onto you. It is her coping method. Remember the problem is not the issue. The current issue is just a vehicle to transfer inner turmoil which may have no easy to identify source, give it a face and vent it out. The problem is poor emotional control. It is the process not the words or facts in front of you. By addressing the issue you fuel the process and miss the whole point.

There are a lot of tools in the form of validation and SET (support, empathy, truth) than can be used to oil the works and reduce your part in unnecessarily triggering her. Click on the Lessons to the right>>and read through them carefully. You will learn a lot about not making it worse than need be and also when to pull out of the firing line.

With the example of being grilled over the movie, the issue is you are feeling compelled to answer. You are answering in frustration. Neither answer is going to satisfy, and neither are you being honest or exerting yourself. The truth is you don't want to have to keep answering this question. Say the truth " I am attracted to you and that is all that matters to me, I can see that concerns you,  I am not going to keep answering that question so please stop asking it". If it continues, then stop watching the movie, either turn it off or leave. This is your truth and your boundary, you have also used SET.

Do this consistently dont keep trying different approaches, nothing works better than consistency even if it creates a backlash to start off with.

thank you waverider. I have a very important question though and i hope you or the members can shed some light on this. The only family member that i have met from her, is her brother. I wanna reach out to him but i don't know if that is a good way to go.

Thanks!

Generally it does no good. If they could do anything they would have by now. Odds are they either don't believe it to be so, or that she's just a looser who needs to get her act together, or they are open to the reality but there is nothing they can do and they are glad its your problem not yours.

Generally though iit can lead you into endless wasted effort and frustration trying to "get help from someone who should also understand'.

It can also take you into unhealthy triangulation issues and your partner  (rightly) accusing you of bad mouthing/going behind her back/trouble making.

Keep in mind BPD is often a product of genetics and/or inappropriate upbringing. Hence family of origins do not readily accept it, as it can be seen as a direct criticism, whether it is true or not.

If you want support find it from a source that does not have an invested interest to deny it.

This is probably your primary source of support, with no chance of your confidence being betrayed.

OK... .Got it. So, if i decide to break it off, i'd like some guidance. See we live together at our apartment. She feels wronged by me so if i tell her to pack her things up and leave, she really doesn't. She gives off this sense of entitlement that i can't make her leave. instead she will use delaying tactics so i can be lured back in. Her name is not on the lease nor is she paying for rent. Should i just pack up her things and put it outside, change the locks and all that? I do not have the option to move out of the apartment right now as my finances are tied up to something else. All the resources that i have read so far is that I should leave.

If comes to it does she have family to go to, and there are always storage facilities if she has much stuff.

I would try to get out of this one foot in, one foot out, status you seem to be in. Either try hard to make it work or split ASAP. Trying to get it to wok wont get anywhere unless you have some sort of commitment.

If you want more practical advise on the techniques of exiting a BPD relationship, then have a look at the Leaving Board where others will have been through this.

Hello All!

My pwBPD had a disagreement a few days back. I cooked dinner and i served it up to her and she refused to eat because she said that i avoided the "discussion" that we had about an ex-coworker. I told her "i understand that you dont want to eat but you need to eat, so here is the food." She went on saying that i keep on lying to her especially about girls and continued on to swat away the food i had made and it splattered all over the floor. I told her "I am not cleaning that. I am going to take a break and i hope the floor is clean when i get back. If not i will be sleeping outside."

It is day 3 now and she still hasn't cleaned the mess she made. instead she continues to say that it is my fault so i should clean it up. Yesterday, i went to my aunt's house to see some relatives. She constantly called and text me that she believes that i am not where i say i am. She continued on to text me this... "You really expect me to believe that you are going to see you relatives at 8pm dressed like that? Wow my intuition was right and you have hurt me beyond return. You're finally going to get what you want and I will move as soon as i can. Until then, there is no reason why i can't get a little revenge starting tonight at our apartment. I think i've let you get away with way too much and never did anything to defend myself except forgive you! ALWAYS! Buy now it's my turn to let you feel the hurt you've been making me feel. PS dont worry about the apartment, Im cleaning it as we speak. Just not for you.   So I hope whatever you're really doing tonight you make it worth it." I responded "OK"

Today, I come home for lunch and to drive her to work as she is supposed to but she was dressed up for a different reason. She looked spiffy. I asked her one time where she is off to but i got no response. I proceeded to exit the scene and go back to work.

So this is how it has been so far since her recent episode. I don't know where this will take me yet but i am doing this journey one day at a time.

-Sheed

I am an emotional wreck right now. She came home drunk today and had another episode. She started attacking me but I didn't engage. She then proceeded to call someone to pick her up and someone did. I am so devestated right now. As I saw her get in the car I was engulfed with so much emotion that I shut down. Now I just feel numb. I need some help managing how I feel right now.

Hi all!

It's been a while. I have just been dealing with a lot of added stress lately. I am about to get evicted from my place. My SO offered to help only to take it back. Now I am in a position where i wont have anywhere to live and faced with an eviction record.

She would seem cold and then later on loving, praise me and then devalue me. she says that i have done this to her and that she has never been like this before we met. Basically what i am saying is i don't know what to do right now. I am broke with no one to turn to because i have been isolated from my friends.

The thing that i am concerned about is that i am the one physically hurting myself. I don't know why i am doing this. I feel now that i am the one with the BPD and not her. I just need to know because if it is me, i want to get help.

Sheed

Sheed,

I think we should all stay away from labels... .you have clearly identified that you want to get help... .don't say for what... .go get help

I'll also let you know... that before we can really help you sort our your relationship... .or help your SO... .we need to help you.  You need to help you.  You need to let the system help you.

Being in a r/s with pwBPD traits is very confusing... .you can get ptsd like symptoms.  You can get many other symptoms.

I'm really glad you say you want to get help... .please do this.  Don't expect to tell your story once and got.  You need to build a support system.  bpdfamily can be part of that... .but you need an "in person" support system as well.

Where do you think you can go to get help? 

Hi Sheed,

I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time.     I understand how it feels when you are coping with many stressful things at once.  The best way to get through a pile of stress, is to handle one thing at a time.

As Formflier suggested, helping yourself should be the first and most important step.  Posting on here really helps. BPD family is a great support system.  We are here for you. 

Have you tried talking to your landlord about the eviction? 

Hello All! Thank you for your posts. at the moment I have to wait until i get enough to enroll myself into therapy. I will try to talk to my landlord and see what my options are. Thanks for all your help and support.

Currently you have too much chaos going on in your head at once. This leaves you unable to focus on one thing at a time. This is probably were self harming comes into place. It kind of gives you something immediate and tangable to feel and focus on.

Self harming is not unique to BPD. many teenagers often go through it when the world seems against them and they dont have the life experience to organize their issues in order to work though them in a healthier way.

In order to tackle your issues, you first have to identify them. Prioritize them and allocate a cause and effect to them. Work out which are immediate and which can be put on teh back burner until you can better apply yourself.

It is normal to get stress/drama overload which can cause almost a mental paralysis. Accept this and dont panic. Work out the issue of keeping a roof over your head to start with and let all else slide. In particular RS issues are rarely as immediate as they seem. Especially when BPD is involved as this brings on a tendency to catastrophize eveything

Sheed... .I'm not a fan of waiting to get help.  I would suggest that instead of looking for a "final solution"... .(long term therapy) that you look at what you can do as a "first step" to get yourself some needed help.

Maybe that is a call to a local crisis line... .or a call to 211... .or 411... .basically a non-emergency information line where you can learn about and understand your options to get some immediate help.

What do you think you can do in your local community to "take that first step... "

hi Sheed. i'm really really sorry you're facing this situation. the behaviors you describe are characteristic of BPD and there were two things you said in particular which i also experienced in spades:


so it may help you, that we know exactly what you're experiencing.

you're in a relentlessly abusive situation and i'd second what formflier said - take the first step. the mere act of doing something in your own interests is therapeutic, whatever it is. please keep us updated!

Hello All!

I am putting all my efforts in keeping a roof over my head. It's gonna be difficult but I will find a way. I already have part of the money so i just need to buy more time from the landlord. As for my SO, she is acting like everything is fine and dandy as i try to find a way to get things together. She had also admitted to hanging out with someone that likes her and that something is going on between them. I am really trying to keep my cool though. After what i did, "self harming" the other night i realized that i cannot do anything to improve myself if i do this kind of stuff. Once i fix myself i can then deal with the SO situation.

Thanks to all of your support and help.

P.S. i did call the hotlines but they offered little to no help. They were just telling me stuff that i already know. This board though is helping me a lot.

Cheers!

Sheed

Hi Sheed,

I am glad you are taking each problem one step at a time. 


|iiii  This is a wonderful start for you.  Focusing on yourself first is very important. Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in the relationship of your pwBPD, you tend to forget about yourself.  You are important too!

I think it is great that you are ignoring the behaviors of your SO. If it gets too much for you to keep your cool, leave the house for a bit. Temporarily removing yourself from a situation is really helpful.

I am glad this board is helping. Keep posting.  We are here for you.   

 

 

|iiii  

I'll join Eagles in giving you a thumbs up.

Sorry the help lines weren't that much help.  Might be worth another try or two... .be persistent.  Remind them of what you know... and let them know you still need help.

Did you ask about free counseling services?  Did you inform them about your self harm?

Tasker 2:  Start describing your support system.  Hint... we are going to push you to build one.

BPD family is a good part of that... .but it is not meant to be THE support system.  Just part of a bigger picture.

Do you have a family doctor... .or some kind of GP that you can go to?  A pastor or any kind of religious affiliation? 

Hello People!

OK. So my SO can somehow manage to shift all the blame on me. It is infuriating. How do you handle it when they start

to shift the blame on you when clearly they are at fault? I know why they don't want to be wrong because to them they

feel that they are a bad person and that because they did something bad they might be cast as undesirable by the people

that love or care for them the most. It really is like dealing with an adolecent. It is very frustrating.

Sheed!

P.S. I am double spacing to make it a bit easier on the eyes.  :) :) :)

Hi FormFlier!

Thanks for the reply. It is a bit difficult since my direct family is in my homeland and they are not always in reach.

Same thing with my long time friends. That is why getting a T would be great for me so i have someone i can talk to.

and i know that the T will understand. I call my family every now and then though. I miss them greatly.

-Sheed

Goal is to not shift it directly back to them... .

You want to "deflect" the shift... and use as little energy as possible to do it. 

DO NOT "react"... .be curious... .be inquisitive... .be careful to not sound "smart ass"

Possible words...

"I'm sorry you feel that way... ."  Listen for emotions to validate. 

"Can you help me understand... I'm a bit unclear on what has happened here... ."  Keep listening... .keep validating the emotions... .don't agree or disagree. 

Most likely their goal is not agreement or disagreement... .there is "emotional upset" inside... .they are dysfunctionally dealing with that... .trying to stick you with it.

When they say you "made" them do xyz... ."help me understand your choices in this situation... ."  They are fans of "this is the "only" thing that would work... .

As long as talk isn't abusive... .or "too abusive"... .keep looking and listening for emotions to validate... .and information you can think through.  Your goal is not to "fix"... .its to gather information about their thought processes and emotions.

If it get's abusive ... "I'll be back in 10 minutes... .hopefully we can talk properly about this then... "  Don't accuse them of abuse... .don't debate it... .just leave.  Whatever timeframe you say... .make sure you meet it... and come back.

the first thing you do, is you know without doubt within yourself that you're not at fault. the tendency to JADE* arises because a little demon inside gets into your mind and tells you that she might, even in some small degree, be right. so hold always in your mind that you are not to blame, that she isn't right, and she won't be right, no matter how many people she tells.

*JADE is an acronym for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. do not do any of these things in response to her accusations. we have a resource on this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.0.


this is very good advice, but the key is knowing within yourself where you stand.

(cross-posted with formflier)

 

Reading maxen's post reminds me of another point.

Once you know within yourself that it isn't your fault... .and you really know.  Then you know it isn't really about you... .so DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

This was earth-shattering for me to learn and implement.  If it isn't about you... .then there is less tendency to want to JADE... and you are more sincere when you say... ."i'm sorry you feel that way... "

Dont get sucked into trying to bounce blame back either. As long as you know you are not to blame, that is enough. Dont waste your effort trying to convince them they.

Know your own reality, don't then try to sell it.

Hello People!

I am glad to post that I was able to take care of the living situation. Thanks for all your support and advise. Soo much help. I will keep you posted on the SO situation.

Best,

sheed

 

Can you let us in on the solution to your living situation.

Remember... .it's not just for us... .it's for everyone else that reads.

Good to see details of how things got solved.

What do you think next step is for SO situation?

How are you doing reading the lessons?

OK... For the living situation, I stopped relying on my SO's word. I focused on myself and what i need to do

to keep the apartment. I looked at myself and realized that I made it this far by myself so there is no reason for me

to give up and that I can do this. I talked to my landlord about how much money i have that night and that i will give

them all of it, although it wont cover everything and work on a payment plan for the rest of the outstanding balance

while continuing to stay in the premises. I was so happy that they agreed and that they understand that i might be in

some difficult times right now. I have always been a good tenant until recently so they are giving me the benefit of

the doubt.

As far as the SO is concerned, I haven't really done anything just yet. I am taking a break and enjoying my

accomplishment thus far. I will post updates about the r/s.

I have been reading up on the lessons a lot. learning how and when to engage and disengage. I know this has been

said so many times but learning how to validate is very essential in dealing with the hyper emotional being. Everyone,

I can't stress this out more, validate, validate, validate and when it seems that your hitting a dead end, disengage.

When i disengage, i tell her that i will take a walk for (enter number of minutes) and then i come back. When i am

back if she is acting better i do not bring anything up. I wait for her to say something because truth is my SO has

always something to say but i try not to get caught up and J.A.D.E.

|iiii   

 

Sheed,

|iiii  

For everyone else reading this... .validation is very important.  Avoiding invalidation is even more important.

There is not an exact formula... .but one invalidation... .will "cancel out"... several validations.

So... .if you get the deer in the headlights moment thing... .focus on avoiding an invalidation... .and you will be fine.

If you can avoid invalidation... .and figure out how to validate... .YOU ARE THE BOSS!

If you validate like a pro... .and then slip up and invalidate... .You just snatched defeat from the jaws of victory!

Sounds like you are doing fine once you can start taking one step at a time.

Formfliers point about making sure you don't invaildate, before you start validating is a good one. it is better your default is to say nothing rather than too much because you are trying to hard. Not only will it have a negative impact, but it is also disheartening to yourself and makes it all seem even more hopeless

Good Day People!

Here is an update on my r/s. So today she told me that she cheated on me with her coworker for a lot of reasons and

that she doesn't feel guilty about it. As you all may know, SO and I have had really ugly physical fights. These are the

reasons why she cheated. She feels that I never respected her and that I was and always will be a bad person.

I already know about the cheating part even before today but she didn't know that i do. So i have been processing it

already. Before i left for work, I told her this. "Look, I love you and i acknowledge my fault in the things that

happened especially recently. But here is one thing that i have realized, I am not afraid anymore. I always had the

fear of losing you and i think that created an unhealthy response to all of this and I am sorry. I am not afraid to lose

you anymore. If you are going to leave I have to accept that." She then responded and said, "see, that's

because everything is different now and you just don't care about me like before. I am moving out!" With a calm

voice i said, "if that is what you want, so be it. I know you have to work today so i will be coming back to pick you up

and drop you off at work."

I will say this, I really do love her but I don't want to be keeping her from where she is happy. Be it in another

relationship or being single for a moment. As you understand what is going on in her head you begin to see and

separate her condition from her. I also told her, "I am taking a leap of faith and I am taking you back but one thing

is for sure. If i find out about another thing like this again, and you know I will, I am out"

Thoughts? please leave your comments! Thanks for all of your insight!

Sheed

 

Sheed,

I think you are going in the right direction.

Especially if you were calm in the delivery... even... not reactive.

The responses were a little bit long... .

So... .try this on for size... .

She says she is moving out... .

you say...

"Well... that is certainly troubling news... .I'll need some time to process that.  Hopefully we can have time tonight were we can talk properly about the future of our r/s.  "

Very even delivery is key... .most likely she is saying that to get a reaction.  DO NOT give her a "reaction".

Hi All! today was a difficult day. We got into a fight about my ex GF on my email while she was snooping around.

Mind you this email I sent to my ex GF was 8 months before I met her. She is trying to pin her behavior (cheating)

on me because I lied to her and that our relationship was FAKE. I expected this anyway because I know that she

can't rest until she has proven that her actions were because I did something. I guess snooping around on my email

she found her reason. While we were in turmoil her phone accidentally dialed her sister. Minutes later her brother

was at my doorstep. Now that this has happened, there is no turning back. We are done for good. Of course I will be

the "bad person" in this whole ordeal but I have learned to accept that. She is now packing up her stuff so she can

get out of the apartment and move out. I went back to get some stuff because I will not be going back to the

apartment. I will be sleeping at a friends house who I confided with and he is letting me stay with him. She did tell

me not to go far and I asked why and she said you'll see. An hour later I got a text from her that she had a question

and to call her when I get the chance. I have not responded to it. I tried to make it work I think but It looks like

we've come to the end of the road.

Sheed

Boundary issue... .most people (including me) have had to go to extreme measures to secure their email from prying eyes.  There is nothing wrong with anything in my email... but as you have seen... .they will try to make something wrong out of it.

When you say got into a fight... .did you argue back? 



I don't understand why this means done for good?  What is special about this fight or this event?


What is your plan? 

Here is something to think about.  If you call her back... .and she tries to get you to fight or is abusive... .it will be easy to protect yourself... .just hang up.

If you call and she is cooperative... .maybe you can have a reasonable discussion.

I think the biggest issue is you.   Do you feel like you are at a settled place where you can properly handled a phone call.

If the answer is no... then by all means... .stay NC. 

If you think you are in a good place... .then you have options to consider.

Hang in there... .the hours after a big fight are always the worst... .

Hi Formflier!

Unfortunately I did argue back. I fell into it. Although, she got physical with me but I didn't fight back.

The special thing about this event is that her brother got involved. She is very secretive about her life (the one that exposes her real flaws at least) because she had no problem telling me that guys are just constantly hitting on her and that she likes it because it fills a void that I supposedly could not fulfill. I say that we are done for good because of I can't stand that she is putting her cheating ways on me. I took her back but still she continues to find ways (by going through my personal affects) to pin her actions on me. I don't like the fact that she has no accountability on her part. It just makes me sick to my stomach.



As I have said, I slept at my friends house last night. I blocked her from my phone so she cant contact me. In the morning I stopped by the apartment in high hopes that she has left but she is still there. I didn't say anything. I just picked up a few stuff and left for work. She tried talking to me but I straight up ignored her. She has not given me a clear answer on when she is gonna leave the apartment. The last thing she said was she's going to leave when she's ready. I politely requested for her to leave by the weekend but she told me that I don't have the right to tell her what to do.

Based on your experiences, how long does it take for them to really leave the premises?

Best,

Sheed

How did that work out?  Not blaming all this on you... .but it is important that you "keep your side clean"... .if there is ever going to be hope for her to clean up her side.


And you listened to this... ?  Help me understand how participating in a conversation like this improves or benefits anyone.


If she cheated... but took ownership... .would you be ok with it?


If you aren't responsible for her actions... why worry what she says... .if you don't react... .she will eventually tire of trying to pin this on you.  Somehow in this dynamic she is getting "something" that she wants.


Why?  I recommend greeting her politely... and going about your business.   Basically to act as if the situation doesn't bother you.


Is he on the lease?  This is really more of a legal question... .not my field.

1.) she is not on the lease

2.) I didn't say anything because I don't want to make it worse.

3.) I talked to her today when I went back for more stuff. She said she told her family about everything and they are building a DV case against me.

4.) I am beyond taking her back especially now that she is telling me that she is scared of me. I am not living in my apartment right now but she is. She tells me that she can't sleep because every time a car comes by she thinks it's me and that I might come in and be violent to her.

5.) I think she was trying to record the conversation earlier today and she is trying to get me to admit that I am violent to her but I am not.

6.) this thing just escalated big time. and I am a bit fazed.

Sheed

Now that you know she is trying set you up as a DV case, then you need to be on your most appropriate behavior at all times as the "evidence" for this will invariably be in her own mind and amount to nothing. If this takes you out of the "if only" and "what if" state of mind you can refocus on getting yourself back on track.

Look for apps for you phone to record what is going on. 

I know of guys that didn't go do jail because they had objective evidence of what was going on.

You need legal advice... asap... .about how to get her out of your apartment.  Lawyer can guide you on how to officially notify her that she isn't on the lease... .and she never lived there... .get out.

Hello Guys and Gals!

Its been a week and a half since I left my apartment. She told me that this week is her last week and that she is moving out. Today she called and told me if she can take over the lease on the apartment? Can someone explain this behavior to me? is she stalling? is she manipulating again? This behavior is very unusual to me. She is not moving on with her life and it is making me furious.

-Sheed

Lack of regulation and structure means she will grab random thoughts and options and try to turn them into plans and decisions without thinking them through.

Dont react to them or these random thoughts may start to gain traction. Stick to you thought out plan of action.

There are no easy smooth transitions with BPD relationships.

AH! thank you waverider. Would you say it is a good idea to keep staying at my friends place until this thing blows over? I can get her removed for squatting according to my land lady and legal counsel but I want this to be as civil as possible because i don't want to be inconvenienced by the DV charge that she threatened me with. It looks like she didn't take action and i want to keep it that way. She has been blowing up my phone at ungodly hours though. I never get to answer them because i am keeping my phone on silent when i go to sleep. She blows it up about 5 to 10 missed calls so far last week and Yesterday. Is this typical of someone with BPD?

That is most likely her intention... .

yes... very typical