BPDFamily.com

After my interaction this year with a BPD waif on the lower functioning side of things,  I often marvel at how people end up in relationships that last for years.

My ex to my mind is simply not capable of holding herself together for more than a few weeks at a time.  She cheats on everyone she ends up with, triangulates constantly, acts out at work or doesnt show up, and just generally does whatever she can to destroy any stability in her life.

She's lower functioning with crippling depression,  eating disorder,  SI and so on.

Those who were in relationships over a year,  we're your partners high or low functioning?

What does a borderline look for in the first place? Protection and safety from the potentially harmful objects of the outside world. Basically, they want to be safely dependent and autonomous at the same time.

My ex's husband was providing stability, order and financial support without asking questions. She was low functioning, because the lack of education and her "conflicting" nature, she couldn't keep the available minimum wage jobs for long, while felt entitled for something more, so mostly stayed at home, and literally lived the life of a single woman, dating, taking men to the marital house while hubby was working. It happened right front of his eyes for years and still did not intervene or asked questions. She wasn't hold accountable for anything happening around her, no pointing fingers for the self-imposed failures. That is the perfect match for someone on the lower end of the functioning scale.

By the way, it lasted twelve years.

Hi Inferno, found this interesting discussion about high vs low, as written by someone with BPD:

“High-functioning borderlines act perfectly normal most of the time. Successful, outgoing, and well-liked, they may show their other side only to people they know very well. Although these BP's may feel the same way inside as their less-functional counterparts, they have covered it up very well-so well, in fact, that they may be strangers unto themselves. Non-BP's involved with this type of BP need to have their perceptions and feelings confirmed. Friends and family members who don't know the BP as well may not believe stories of rage and verbal abuse. Many non-BP's told us that even their therapists refused to believe them when they described the BP's out-of-control behavior.

I was with my high-functioning for 1.5 years. She was with the same partner for 10 years before that. She has a very well paying job, college educated, has two houses. I had 'known' her for 10 years before we had a relationship, and had no idea. All I saw was the 'successful, outgoing and well-liked' side of her.

1.5 years (with one recycle in the middle) was enough for me however. We didn't live together either. I could not have coped with that at all.

My story is very similar to Parisian's.  We were together 1.5 years with a recycle in the middle she was a quiet acting in high function pwBPD.  We were together on weekends and vacations and even those times were too much for her.  Last year, in the middle of Christmas vacation, she sent me home.  Unpredictability was her hallmark.  Man, the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde took a toll in my self-esteem as she was amazing with others and, the minute the door closed to the outside world so did her mood... .silence, degrading remarks, impatience, irritability.  It's been almost 9 months since she left and through making a list of what really happened, I am starting to come out of the fog.  I think, in some ways, the most painful thing about being with a quiet high functioning is the lack of validation as only the intimate partner sees it and it is so crazy making, we too become quiet because we can't describe it and no one believes it.  I remember, after she left, hearing a mutual friend talk about how together she is... .wow, spend some extended time behind closed doors and say that.   Just this am, I thought of her previous partner who she villified but I believe idealized avd wished to recycle with during our first break up.  I have begun to realize things might not have been as she reported.  Thank you for this thread. While missing her in this holiday season and reflecting the cruelty of last Christmas and the resulting shame that comes from invalidation, this helps. 

It's very tempting to generalise, I do it so often myself that I also try and make a conscious effort to remember that BPD exists in a broad spectrum and that just like us, sufferers are unique individuals.

My relationship with my udBPDgf lasted almost 16 years.

I would describe my ex as very bright, and high performing in her work environment.

Her personal life was very different.

There was a huge amount of chaos and disorder and our relationship was punctuated by episodes of serious depression, violence, alcoholism and infidelity.

She was very secretive and though our family and friends knew that she struggled at times, they had no real idea of the extremity of her behaviour.

Early on she would be apologetic and contrite after the most extreme episodes, but over time she showed less and less remorse for her behaviour refusing to take any real responsibility for managing her mental health, her healing or the terrible damage that it did. Instead she increasingly blamed our relationship and ultimately me for our problems.

Her bipolar mother who was emotionally and physically unavailable for most of her childhood and a she was badly sexually abused from the age of seven until 13.

During our 16 years together she no real close friends apart from me and my sister. She kept all her work colleagues at distance apart from a married man who she had an affair with at the end.

Her relationships with her own family were unstable and prone to periods of intense conflict and anger

Despite all this she holds down a high powered job in a very competitive profession earning a large salary

Reforming

You make a good point. Like you, i can not see how anyone involved with the BPDx can maintain a let's say 5+ year relationship with her. However, her M.O. is to keep having babies (she's got 5 now), so maybe the latest baby daddy will stick around longer. Kid or no kid i was not going to live like that.

My ex and I were together 9.5 yrs. She is a therapist, college-educated, and I would say for the most part high functioning. Having said that, if a building caught on fire, she would be the first one to panic. Stress? Forget it, her m.o. is to rage. If she doesn't like something she lets everyone know it. Even at work. They really like her a lot so they just handle her outbursts as being "quirky" I suppose. But if for some reason she gets it in her head that you can do something for her, she will charm the socks off you. She's told me too many stories of how she went up to the university president and let him know how wonderful he is and what she does and how she loves her job, etc.  then calls me on the way home telling me she hates counseling and as soon as she writes her best selling book, she's finished with the career that just gives her a living. She even asked the university CFO, a female, if she would be her mentor. I think the CFO realized my ex might be a tad batty. I don't think 46 year olds are looking for mentors, maybe advice, but not mentors. And she is always idealizing older women, to the point of fantasizing. But she left me because she just couldn't be gay. (Again, her words).

All of this is to say all of her actions in the time we were together did not equate to me being with someone with a mental health issue. She was the one helping others with their illnesses! She is undiagnosed, but after lengthy conversations with my T, it is clear something is deeply not right with my ex. Even if she isn't a full borderline, she definitely has many traits. Even right down to ending an almost 10 year relationship with a note in a birthday card she mailed me. Didn't even have the guts to talk to me, so I have no idea what set all of this off. For someone who is supposed to have it all together (her words when comparing herself to my other exes), that's pretty effed up... .

4 year marriage to high functioning partner.  She was remarkably intelligent, charming and successful.  Many friends.  Three graduate degrees.  I doubt that anyone would believe me if I described her private behavior.  Except this board of course  :)  If I had heard about her behavior without witnessing it myself I probably would not have believed it.

The experience with that public / private persona disconnect has made me less likely to assume things about other people.  Sometimes I wonder which of the seemingly normal people around me actually have secret tragic personal lives. 

Infern0, I don't know if mine was low or high functioning.  He was very perplexing.  We were together 4 yrs, married for 1.  He became disabled about 9 mths into our r/s and didn't work again until 3 weeks before we split up.  At first he was really disabled but then it became an excuse to prolong things.  He just didn't like his job.  So I ended up supporting him, waiting for him to get off his a$$.  So this would sound like a low-functioning kind of thing.  But then, he could give off a completely competent persona with people who didn't spend a great deal of time with him.  Some stress he could handle no problem.  For instance, we were in the middle of no where, miles from civilisation and he got two flat tires on the hottest day of the year.  I was so scared, we had my s10 and my dog with us.  He totally kept his cool, got the truck jacked, got out the patch kit, fixed the tires... .didn't show fear once.  Then other times he totally lost it over the most ridiculous thing, usually something I did 'wrong'.  There is no making sense of it.  I have given up trying.

Mercury, that comment about wondering which seemingly normal people have secret tragic lives made me lol a little bit. I have been hyper-vigilant about 'looking' for red flags everywhere of late. My T explains I will be like that for a little while, but (fortunately), it will settle with some time. Mine also multiple degrees including graduate qualifications, was very intelligent, bright, charming and successful. Her 'outwards' persona I think would make it very difficult for people to understand. I'm sure our high-functioning exBPD's put huge effort into deliberately creating their personas in that way - it's no accident they create their lives in that way. For high-functionings, BPD is very much a 'behind closed doors' illness.

35 years married to my high functioning BPD ex. He was so charismatic he could charm the pants off of anyone he met. Behind closed doors was a different story; our children and I constantly saw the very bad side of him. 

After I let the cat out of the bag, all hell broke loose. Never underestimate the vengeful cruelty that comes out of a high functioning BPD after you expose the truth and their lies to those so cleverly fooled.

I had to run and hide for a year and I lost everything in the divorce. I often hear he is still on a smear campaign against me.

I just wanted people to know what he was and why I had to leave.

Let me out

I think it was worth the year of hiding to expose him  lol

Yeah, he had it coming.

But I am really surprised at our adult children who think I should start talking to him again. After 3 years of no contact and peace and quiet, why would I want to hear his voice again?

The kids think I'm being silly not attending any events that he will be at. He has been wanting to talk to me and I will keep refusing. I have no desire to hear his voice.

Definately low functioning no job drug addict an other stuff I am extremely recoursful an kept it together for ten years she was always trying to chip away at my boundaries an though i did a few things i regret I kept it together Part of the reason in the end I think she left is she gave up trying to " break me " before she left there were external factors as well I can remember sitting with her for four hours once in complete silence I knew there was no validating set or other technique i could use that would result in other than a " bad outcome " there are a hundred other things you can do other than outlined here but in the end its not worth trying to keep it going ( this might be different in hi functioning )

P.S. in an out of hospital several times a year at the end one child together 8 at break up main reason i kept it together plus her children

One thing that makes it hard for me is the fact as brought up in this thread that it is only the people that get close to them who get to see behind the curtain. It is this thatmakes disconnecting more difficult as it shows that on some level they had real feelings for us.

They fear engulfment. As we get closer, it triggers their fear of abandonment. It seems so messed up... But I truly believe that my ex loves me and that's why she left me. Part of me wants to believe that they leave us knowing that they love them, so that they don't ever have to see us fall out of them with them and leave THEM. Because that would hurt them even more then they already do.

i was with my hi functioning waif for ten years, a lot of that was just down to the circumstances of where we were. i could well imagine her saying showtime before she answers the door to me.

I think mine was between low and high functioning. Middle functioning BPD? 

She was 'okay' succesfull in her work. She had periods where things went good, but also periods where she wasn't that highly functioning. It didn't help that almost anyone that seemed to do something wrong in her eyes, was split black eventually. Managers at work, colleagues, friends... .almost all that dared to give some criticism to her, were split black eventually. Of course I had to hear how bad those persons were. In the beginning this irritated me, as I don't like to badmouth people that aren't there to hear it, but eventually I just didn't care anymore, as I was already glad it wasn't ME who was split black.

She held it together pretty well outside our home though. When she goes out, she's social, fun, always smiles. Same thing on pictures she takes, she's always smiling and seems to have fun. But when it was just us together at home, she almost NEVER smiled. She was sad, had to complain about stuff I did, etc. Sometimes, cracks would show to the outside world. Friends that came over for fun nights started to notice it sometimes as well, like she wasn't the happy going out person they used to know. But I guess now that she is gone and I'm split black, she won't show that side to anyone else for a while, instead being the fun, happy, going out person she wants everyone to see.

And yes its too bad the entire world doesn't get to see how she really is. I've lasted 4,5 years, but we've been seperated 10 times or so. Her mother knows she isn't an easy person. In the beginning of the relationship her mother probably thought I was always to blame, but towards the end she often stood up for me instead of her own daughter.

I always win in the "slowest learner" category!

38 years--my uBPDh is a very high-functioning guy, well regarded in his line of work, great leadership skills at work, willing to do whatever it takes to get his way including "emotional blackmail" which means if someone disagrees with him or makes his life hard he's willing to beat them up emotionally and make their life hard until they cry uncle.

Oh wait--he did that at home too. But he was so well regarded at our church too, he did so much and contributed so much and really was great support for others, so I always thought I was just too screwed up to understand him right.

The turtle tattoo is coming in January! First one at age 61, the humble turtle to show what a slow learner I have been! lol

About June 2012 to November 2014 I tried to leave her numerous times and failed.

Towards the end I was enforcing my boundaries more and more. I've been told this means war to high functioning queen /hermit/witch types she fluctuated hard and eventually expressed extreme narcissistic traits.

I feel safe now but I fluctuate through the detachment process.

I have also struggled with this as well, enlighten me.

My BPDx BFF and I work for the same company.  She is a manager.  No-one at works knows who is really behind the mask.  Her performance at work has never been consistently great, but this year has been worse.  Management and her staff have lost respect for her as she takes a lot of time off sick, takes no responsibility for anything, and does not support her staff.  She only recently broke up with her long term bf, so a lot of her absences, depression, anxiety and angry mood was blamed on him.  Interesting to note... .nothing has changed with her mood or performance since the split!  People that work closely with her put her behavior down to attention seeking and the toxic relationship she was in (little do they know she is the toxic one, not her ex).  

She has managed to fool a new group of people that are believing all her stories and giving her the attention she craves.

Even though some people realize she's not quite right, I don't think they would ever believe my experience with her if I told them.  :)amn, it took me a long time to put the pieces together and realize it isn't me who is the crazy one

Good post Infern0.  My uBPD/ASPDexH was somewhere in the middle.  He had a good paying job in the blue collar field.  He was diligent about showing up early and seemed to have a solid work ethic.  "SEEMED" was the operative word.  He didn't pay bills, drove a piece of garbage vehicle (because the one before was repossessed), bought new clothes instead of doing laundry, did not maintain his home or vehicles in even the smallest of ways unless there was an emergency or something he would gain out of tending to it…raged and raged and raged at work and about work, and then went out on with an injury and collected workman's comp.  I felt like I was living with a magician.  He was charismatic, warm, and incredibly competent and giving to everyone "outside" the home.  Inside the home, if he brushed his teeth before bed I was impressed.  In time I felt like I was living with a teenager with disabilities.  In reality, that's actually a pretty accurate description of the stunted personality disordered.

These things and so many more were not all obvious, but showed little by little, then faster and faster, louder and louder.  I honestly can't even believe mine is functioning ("seems" to be) so well according to what friends say he's posting on social media. 

1.5 yr and he was high functioning.

Hard working and determined. Always wanting to be better (in school, relationships not so much) He shined bright around my family and friends or acquaintances. Yet he had no friends of his own and wasn't close with his family. I was the only one who saw the dark side.

The same was true for me, but for years longer.  I tried and threatened to leave my uBPD/ASPDexH so many times.  He reeled me back in with heavy tears, promises galore, and enormous insight into his "issues" he admitted were a problem long before me and were long overdue for proper "help".

In hindsight and equipped with knowledge I continue to smh about, I fully realize my ex leaned heavily toward and is most certainly a Psychopath, all of which demonstrate many of the same symptoms that BPD does.  Mine was a master of manipulation and deceit.  He crashed through my boundaries and toward the end, like you NonAverageJoe, he reared up like a DEMON in WAR when I enforced my boundaries even more.  The fluctuation between extreme narcissism and self deprecation was disgusting at best.

My ex was simply "functioning" - completely "low" behind closed doors with me, and perhaps "high" functioning to the world now, since he has a business and social media following that I built for him.

sighhhhhh.

ACK! that enforcing of boundaries was my undoing as well--what I think happened was that as long as I was being what he needed, somebody to take care of him and put up with being The Lesser and being his sounding board for the yelling etc. we could have a "relationship." Once I started saying "wait a minute! i'm a smart girl! I have a lot to offer! And he treats me like sh!t!" and started having boundaries I wouldn't let him cross, it all went crazy. It was like i'd issued an invitation for him to use the battering ram on my boundaries.

That's when it got too ugly and I chose to leave while he was only physically threatening but not worse.

I think most of us fluctuate through the detachment process. We remember something good and start to be swayed, then remember the bigger issues and keep moving forward. It's just part of it, but we'll all make it!

Good to hear from you and I tip my hat to you after your 35 years.  I assume yours was diagnosed?  If so, when was he diagnosed?  Mine too was/is extremely charming and I hate that I too feel like I'm hiding and may be for some time to come.  Have gone as far as getting a PO Box.  Also can't see myself going back on social media anytime soon.

For 24 years he was high functioning only those close knew the real him. Outwardly he was funny, outgoing and happy. At home he was angry and quite or angry and raging, nothing made him happy. Over the years his behavior got worse and worse. Even when he left 6 years ago he remained high functioning. Fast forward 5.5 years after a recycle I left him, he is low functioning, he has not worked in almost 4 months, hardly leaves the house according to our son. He sleeps, watches TV and smokes weed all day everyday while on a plethora of psychiatric meds. This was a man that rarely missed a day of work in the 24 years we were together.

He had nothing to do with his mom's side of the family and sporadic contact with his dad. He had 1 long time friend that he cut off contact with shortly after I moved out when the friend told uBPDstbxh that he understood why I left.

Hi Faith1520,

I'm so glad to hear you got out after only 1.5yr.  May I ask how you find yourself here on this board and how long you've been here?  I'm always curious to learn how people progress from this most unfortunate place that we're all grateful to have:)

20 yrs ago I took my ex to a psychologist, whereupon my ex displayed all of his BPD traits including raging! The Dr sent him to the waiting room and told me to never bring my BPD back to his office again. He said you can't help someone like that, and suggested I leave him to save myself. I should have listened, but I hung in there for many more years. I should have taken the Dr's advice!

I'm curious why those of you who chose to hide felt you needed to--

Hey Mercury2Pluto,

I'm so with you on this.  My relationship was 7 years, 6 married, mostly all bizarrely fluctuating between wonderfully loving... .and tragically, emotionally dysfunctional.  The fallout (Discard phase) was nothing like I could have ever possibly imagined.  It was worse than what I used to smh at watching Dateline and other true-story TV shows.  I too, would never believe the stories I so wish others around me would understand, but know they just see his warmth and charisma.

Like you also, I am much more aware of how many "seemingly normal people around me actually have secret tragic personal lives."

I don't believe this is true across the board for PDs, especially since there is so much potential overlap with other disorders.  I thought I had the most intense, close, loving relationship two people could have…even despite the horrible fights.  I truly believed that.  Today, I do not believe that on any level he had "real feelings" for me.  Based on what he did to me in the fallout and the cruelty that was revealed that went on over our years together, I fully believe my ex had no real feelings for me, or anyone else, and is completely incapable of love or genuine compassion.  However, I think he's GREAT, INCREDIBLE…at FAKING those things.  So where's the Oscar icon to go with the newest ones up there?  lol

Let Me Out,

I love that you feel this way, "no desire to hear his voice" after 35 years of marriage.  Good for you!   

Nobody?

I've been pretty much off FB for the duration of the time since I left, and I've been trying to handle my contact with my uBPDh of 38 years by fairly neutral answers. i'm concerned for what might happen once I actually pursue legal action, so i'm wondering if that's why you chose to hide from them--did it get so difficult, were they threatening, what? i'm trying to be prepared going forward. Though I can't entirely hide because we have family together.

Sorry... .hard question to answer for 2reasons: 1) shame that I didn't realize it and get out; 2) the brainwashing that made me wonder if it was normal.  I realize now I knew something was wrong earlier and I wanted out but I kept trying to tough it out... .not a great answer but an honest one

Well, that's totally my story too... .slowest learner on earth here, so i'm sure not judging you! I've used the word "brainwashing" too in describing things to others. It's a weird place to be, realizing that you've set your own instincts totally aside!

It really is... .my ex and I are both successful professionals with me working in the field of mental health... .almost 25 years with many difficult BPD's and I didn't see it in my personal life.  I let her, a high functioning BPD, beat me emotionally to a pulp and I didn't see it.  Thank God for these boards.  Thank you for empathizing.  I am so sorry we went through this... .

MEEEE TOO... .

We'll make it through... .all of us together.

In re: court, here's how I handle it for my work duties as my job is also court based.  All the court wants is facts, not feelings so it is important, as you sort your way through the fog to consult with your attorney and just focus on what info is needed, trying to put your emotions aside. Bring them here to this board instead. With your ex, Always have a 3rd party present and document it. It's more difficult for him to triangulate and control that way.  It can just be a boundary thing you incorporate as a new tool.  Now, back with my personal hat on, I know it's difficult because of what we have been through. I hope I didn't overstep my lines.  I am not on this board as a professional... it's as a survivor wanting to return to being a thriver. Your attorney is your guide and you are on your way to becoming a thriver again. :-)

Great points, Hawk Ridge--and we learn from each others' experiences!

I'm with you on that moving forward into being a thriver. i'm not sure I ever got there since I went from my Poo FOO to a short bit of independent life into marriage at 23. So this may be my first real time at thriving at 61! Interesting to look forward to.  |iiii

I am 10 years younger than you AND i believe we have a whole new life ahead of us... .I really do!  Can't wait to hear all about it!

That's what my therapist keeps assuring me... .lol

Mine too! :-)

My ex said stuff over the years like:  "I could get rid of a body and no one would find it."  "I'm a sick MF, you have no idea of the sick stuff I think about doing to people who cross me, no idea."

Yeah…and I thought he just needed a dose of anger management.  After I uncovered a massive amount of street and prescription drugs he was using and selling - I'm sticking with the PO Box:)

HOLY! That would do it for me. 


I think I like our therapists.  |iiii

HOLY! That would do it for me.  


Mine became obsessed with the thought of murder/suicide (his and mine). I think me going into hiding kept us both alive. It is pretty scary when you don't know what someone who is acting that crazy is really going to do.

That would be beyond unsettling! I guess that would be the lower functioning type of pwBPD? Or not?

The best analysis I have based on my ex, her history, and all that I have been able to read is that emotional intimacy is what more than anything is likely to determine the length of the relationship.  Or perhaps that lack of emotional intimacy.  It is a tragic outcome of BPD that those that love pwBPD the most tend to be the people most likely to be pushed away.  Partners (and parents/siblings/close friends/etc.) that have a certain distance and lack an especially close emotional intimacy seem to have the most chance of a stable relationship with a pwBPD.  In particular, partners that are abusive or narcissistic may, frighteningly enough, be able to strike the most stable equilibrium of all - which may explain why so many of us here have exes that have been or even return to very dangerous relationships.  My thinking is that these abusive relationships provides the attachment needed while the lack of emotional closeness prevents the engulfment.  It's incredibly damaging in so many other ways, but the BPD finds an equilibrium in this situation - no matter that it is exceedingly toxic.  The longest relationship my ex has had, and the only one she ever went back to, was with her unimaginably abusive ex-husband.  She even told me as much a few times that there wasn't much of a connection between them and she couldn't understand why she stayed with him.  That they never talked.  There wasn't really any romance.  I didn't understand any of that until I learned about BPD and then it seemed to make sense.

Sadly, those that truly and deeply loved their ex probably triggered them faster and and lead to a shorter relationship.  Of course this isn't any sort of ironclad rule and every pwBPD and every relationship are different, but it does seem to be a general trend.

I certainly agree with the emotional distance. My ex's longest relationship was with a man most likely suffering from a condition on the schizoid scale, maybe mild aspergers. He was truly inclined to believe - as most with AS - that the fact they have gone out to work, or completed a task in the house, is an adequate demonstration and evidence of his love. There was no more intimacy from his side, no cuddling in the bed or anything like that. Served as a safe harbor, provided shelter for a low functioning individual while not questioning her lifestyle or his own notion of intimacy.  

Narcissist are just as fragile as borderlines, as a probable sufferer, I can tell you the borderline-narccisistic couple only works until the fantasy is broken. It's highly volatile and both party hurts tremendeously at the end.

Uexbf - Low functioning waif/hermit, very short relationship ended by me, even shorter recycle.

Uex friend - High functioning, queen/witch, friendship lasted a couple of years, contact massively restricted by her.  She's somewhere in the background checking in occasionally (when she requires advice generally).

I'm not sure if the difference (for me accepting certain behaviours) was that one was a romantic relationship and the other wasn't, or whether it was to do with the different types or the low/high functioning aspect.  The hf female friend went through romantic relationships much more swiftly, as in the men generally ran from her pretty fast.  Of course in her eyes they were all immature cavemen types. 

14 years with waif ex wife. 2 1/2 with queen exgf. I guess I can handle the drama of a waif but the queens cinfrontational style I couldnt deal with.

Maybe it is 50/50 to do with what we can manage as much as what they are?  I can deal with confrontation quite effectively, but the far more obvious neediness/overt sulkiness has me running for the hills.

Normal confrontation I can deal with. Ive been in situations where my life was in danger and have managed to talk my way out of it. I have reasoned with people and come to a satisfactory out come but I coulsnt handle the irrational confrontations of my exgf. When someone is trying tonvince you black is white one minute then arguing the other way the next was just too much.

ive dealt with drunks that where more rational.

Drunks are not always mentally ill, therefore more rational.

Mine became obsessed with the thought of murder/suicide (his and mine). I think me going into hiding kept us both alive. It is pretty scary when you don't know what someone who is acting that crazy is really going to do. [/quote]

He was once high functioning, but the last few years he titter-tottered between the two. Some BPDs obviously get worse as they age.

My uBPDh certainly upped his game into more aggressive behavior as he aged. But he's remained high-functioning, perhaps becoming even more high-functioning at work over time. He's quite proud that he knows ways to manipulate others.

I would have to agree with this statement because only last week my now exgf stated that she would hate for me to hate her. She wouldn't even come clean about the affair, neither accepting or denying it. Though I know it 100% to be true.

She even went as far last night as saying sorry, she meant no malice and to thank me for everything I did for her. I see that as hoping I would say thank you, give her a pat on the back and send her on her way. Instead, I refused to take ownership of her responsibilities and actions and that is how things were left.

She was low functioning and from what I can gather, in the past 7 years our r/s of 11 months has been the longest for her.

I think what we can handle plays a large role in the duration of these relationships.  Whether it's an ability to deal with confrontation, a predisposition towards accepting abuse, or something else, I think it's equally as important as whether or BPD SOs were high or low functioning.

In my case, I'd say my ex was somewhere in the middle (closer to high functioning with medication and therapy).  That said, my propensity to deal with high conflict situations can probably be partially attributed to the longevity of our relationship (10 yrs/6 married).  Comparatively, her prior relationships averaged roughly 2 years (including breaks/recycles).

letmeout

You are not being silly. It's the only way to survive when you have been in a long term marriage.

I was married for 31 years when my ex developed a sudden passion for the Quaker movement and ran off with a high profile Quaker spokeswoman. He is a high functioning top professor with a rather ridiculous title which only serves to inflate his narcissism.

My kids are as much under his spell as I was and I just hope that one day they will see behind the mask. At the moment he is taking the role of their darling daddy and love- bombing them with constant text messaging and gifts. I am staying with my daughter over new year and was shocked to see five closely hand written cards from him on display. I put them out of sight and told her I couldn't stand to see his handwriting. She has to accept that. It is my boundary now.

Of course our kids want things to be amicable and friendly. It makes life nicer and easier for them. But they are grown ups now and it 's time they respected your feelings. I expect like me you spent their younger years shielding them from the awfulness of his behaviour towards you. 35 years is a very very long time. You are absolutely entitled to set your own boundary now and avoid events he is at in order to preserve your own feelings and heal in yiur own time.

This was the case with my exBPDbf, as well. His longest, most stable relationship was with someone he did like and respect but wasn't "in love with" (his words).

What I've read seems to support this. If the pwBPD is not really emotionally invested, then the core fears do not get triggered (or at least not as intensely). Love is scary for a pwBPD. As A.J. Mahari (who is recovered from BPD) says--

Love for [the pwBPD] felt like punishment. Love felt them feeling bad about themselves. Love annihilated them.

OHMYGOSH this whole thing!

38 years for me of doing the dance, of being the one who made sure birthdays were special and kids and grandkids attended to, and now my uBPDh is spinning his web of newfound wonderfulness in their eyes because he is going to counseling and suddenly paying attention to them and asking me to go to marriage counseling and I am way past done!

You said things I've felt but not known how to express! Thank you for that, what you said was very validating to me.  |iiii