BPDFamily.com

Hey all. Just a recent events need to vent.

I joined the forum in January of 2013 right after being ejected for the forth time in a seven year relationship. You all know the drill - Idealized. Devalued. 2 engagements. 3 recycles. Etc., etc.

I went total NC. To the point that I didn't even know if she was even alive. I'm pretty tenacious about that, and proud of myself, too. I haven't posted very much here, as I felt as if I was moving on to rebuilding my life. Acceptance. Healing. Forward.

Just a day or two after this last Thanksgiving... .an email. Just two paragraphs. One about some mail she wanted to forward, the other about the death of our dog.

I did not reply, but a day later she tracked down my closest friend, a woman who I've known for 30-plus years, and pushed the mail issue. Fair enough. It was handled without my having any contact and that was that. Sure, I did the natural reading between the lines and prepping for the potential recycle attempt (it happened this way previously), but I felt as if I passed this test with flying colors.

Yesterday, I arrived at my friend's house to visit for a few days and house sit. What transpired next admittedly rocked me to my very core. My friend, who has been there for me through most everything in my adult life, and who spent 15 years with a narcissist, didn't think I was where I should be in letting go. This led to her doing a little snooping into my ex.

Now, for the past 9 years, I've had suspicions and red flags and all that, but never any actual proof or evidence of cheating or extreme dishonesty. In fact, she would emphatically state that there was never anyone else during our entire time together - even when we were off again. I wanted so badly to believe that. Ignorance is bliss, dontcha know? Besides, I was special.

Not.

Details are unnecessary. I know now that nothing was real. Nothing was true. I invested everything and lost it all for an illusion. A con. A living nightmare. I've been through a lot in this life. I should have known better. I feel so stupid. And angry. And hurt. And done done.

The gift that keeps on giving. Sigh.

It sure is a deep wound they inflict.  She may be lining you up for triangulation or a recycle.   Stay strong and keep NC.

Yeah, I got that too Dude, it hurt at first, and I eventually just shook my head, thinking this woman deserves an Oscar for the quality of acting she did.  That time she was up all night helping the single mom who was about to be evicted, the one she met at church?  Nope, off screwing some guy.  The dozen roses her mother had sent because she was sick?  Nope, some guy she just blew sent them.  The $30K she said she needed to pay off an old mortgage or she was going to be sued?  Nope, pure embezzlement attempt.  And those are the things I know about, but I'm positive if I still cared and went digging I'd discover the entire relationship was a lie.

So the only questions that remain are how did we get in so deep and become so blinded that all those deceptions were possible?  And how do we avoid it in the future?  For me the naivety needed to die, I needed a better radar, and paying attention has become paramount.  Lessons learned, one day at a time... .

MrC - Not a chance I will be contacting her in any way whatsoever. Sticking the hand back into the hornets nest and all that, ya know?

heal - The acting ability seems so effortless, doesn't it? Her dear on-line friend who was battling dual mastectomy breast cancer = guy who was waiting in the wings for me to finish furnishing the house. That's truly demented. The 2 dozen red roses that arrived on her 40th birthday, a day before dumping #1? Just some girlfriends from a forum who knew she liked roses. Uh huh. I won't even get into the money. My head will explode.

I understand your questions completely. I've apparently not answered them for myself yet... .

I do wonder if there is an ultimate benefit to my knowing these realities at this point. It seems like it felt better to not really know for sure.

The benefit will be that now you can really let go.

We can move on/think we have by sweeping things under the rug.

Unanswered questions being answered helps shake that crap loose.

It hurt to know, but I'm glad that I know the truth.  When I look back now at the things he said to me, he was telling me what he was doing >> "My son is just like me."  (Son cheats on his partners) 

I needed to know in order to facilitate what Heal has stated so well:  "For me the naivety needed to die, I needed a better radar, and paying attention has become paramount."

Yep. I know you guys are right. Still doesn't make it feel very good at all. This is a fresh bump in the road. Hurt. Accept. Surrender. Heal. And it's certainly not linear.

As I mentioned, I've been through may things in my 51 years. These particular kinds of lies and betrayals are far more hurtful than anything I've ever experienced before. It's all a line drawn in the sand in regards to my own high limits with empathy and compassion. My brain simply can't personally comprehend ever doing such things to another human being. I certainly can't accept any of it in my life.  folie

The Dude does not abide.  

One word, trust. I trusted this person as much as I could personally trust someone. Overall I'm a cynical person, but this person achieved what most people don't with me. Normally, a chick with her behavior wouldn't have gotten past a month or two with me. And that matches up with her past 10 year history of short term relationships and her statements when she would say, "most guys don't last 4 months with me".     . Now I know that the ex's weren't the main component in all of her ended relationships. She was the common denominator.

After analyzing the situation, I think that I know why she slipped under my radar. I have known her since 1984 when we met in the 4th grade. For some reason when we reunited after 22 years it seemed so easy to trust her. Little did I know how damaged she had become. Although I am codependent and have "fixer" traits, I don't easily get close to people.



That's a hard question to answer. These people are such good actors. I think for me, it reinforces my cynical attitude that most people are selfish a$$hats. One way to avoid it is to avoid everyone as much as possible. I know that is not healthy in the long term, but right now it's working for the time being. I feel like it's going to be a big struggle to trust someone like that again. But then again, you can't have a successful relationship without that trust.

seems like quite the catch 22 that I've gotten myself into.

I feel just the same, I often think what the hell was I thinking, and how to be certain in the future, should I submit each new person to an psychiatric evaluation? Should I have an psychiatric evaluation for allowing this same stuff to happen? We cant go paranoid.

the only thing I know for sure is that the experience we went through was extreme an so was the damage sustained.    

Because the way she's wired it has to be, and she's had a lifetime of practice.  Here's someone who thinks people are "ugly", her word, part projection and part experience, since everyone leaves, so she's got lots of evidence to support the belief that everyone will leave, someone who is emotionally undeveloped to the point of being incapable of real adult human connection and with a cluelessness about the world, and someone who absolutely must attach to people or cease to exist at all.  If you or I were wired like that we'd get damn good at being who we needed to be too, expert facade painters, a living lie.

But the thing is all of those things were apparent to me early, yet I forged ahead anyway, because in my naivety I thought I could love her hard enough to break through all that, and that beautiful girl buried under all the crap would somehow surface and cue the sunset and violin music.  That's the part that needed to die.  People are who they are and will show us, we just need to pay attention.  All of the pain of the relationship was self-imposed by me; if I met her after 2 years on this site we wouldn't have lasted two weeks.  I'm going to consider that growth.

TheDude, I recycled once with my exh and it was after the second BU that his SIL (brother's wife) unloaded some truths on me that were shocking to say the least.  He wasn't the man I thought he was.  It really did help to keep me not wanting to ever recycle again.  No matter how much I missed him or felt guilty, sad, etc. I just reminded myself of the fact he was a bold face liar, kept secrets and couldn't be trusted whatsoever.  This was such a blessing to know as it helped speed up my healing and never looking back.


Bingo!  That is exactly my experience!

We all need to learn to trust that gut instinct.  I keep experiencing over and over how my gut instinct is always right!  And I try to convince myself to not listen to it, saying such things as I'm just being paranoid or damaged or the one with the problem.  But then my gut instinct is proven to be right again!  And usually after yet another heartache or hurt!   At what point do we trust ourselves?

I am so sorry... .Wish something I said could make it better for you. Don't delve too deep. It will just hurt too much. Some truths are best left buried. I found out some things about my BPD husband a few years back. It still takes my breath away... .the ability to lie... .I still feel pain and this is after 5 years. I can't understand how they live with themself. So just leave the past where it is... .in the past. Find ways to move on.

Fascinating (and frustrating) how so many of us lived in practically parallel relationships.


This latest 'information' has significantly raised this question to an important level for me. Prior to meeting my ex, I had been through more than a few deep relationships (nothing like this, though), had done therapy, AlAnon, Coda, Etc., and have studied Psychology extensively (though not professionally) for 20+ years. By my early thirties, I had a pretty well defined set of boundaries and values... .at least consciously. All of that had completely went out the window when I met her. That's deeply troubling.

Heal - Wired differently is an understatement. They know, almost instinctively, all of the most powerful elements involved in what they do, and perform them with superior skill, yet don't hold any of these things as real personal values. In other words, mine clearly understood what the right ingredients are for a successful relationship, but only used them as agents of manipulation and coercion. It's as if there's a disconnect between intellect and emotion.

Yes.  That's how an emotionally underdeveloped and need-driven personality manifests.  Very deceptive to the uninitiated, although thank god that isn't us anymore.  I don't consider her malicious or cruel anymore, just clueless and self centered, which people in pain usually are; the pain she's in constantly is far greater than what she inflicted on me, or me on myself trying to make it work, and she really has no clue why people leave her, which everyone does, so the pain just builds and the best she can do is believe they did it because "people are ugly".  Sad that.

why did we get in so deep?  Because we thought we were in love with someone who loved us too. Normal people don't do the sh!t they do. Most of us had probably never thought about a PD much less realized we were being used by one. You are correct about taking off the blinders. O am much more careful with who I open up with. I now have too much respect for myself.

Dude, you sound like you have put yourself in a much better place in life. It hurts to realize you were living through a relationship that was viewed through totally different eyes. You just need to keep reminding yourself that her actions are the result of her need to survive in a damaged world. It doesn't change how she felt about you at the time. She just can't survive in a "normal" monogamous relationship. It's sad and it hurts like hell but it is what it is. Sadly, as you have worked on yourself over the past two years she is likely still living the same miserable lifestyle. You know now to stay away from her. Zero chance of any positive outcome with her. You owe it to yourself to stay away.

Sorry for your pain as I experienced the same thing. It sucks to be played but it's on her, not you.

I'm with you on that one, my avoidance of dating after being raked over the coals by a BPD is a problem I still can't seem to get past. If anyone has an answer I would love to hear it!

True.  And at least for me I knew something was just 'off' right from the beginning, yet I stayed in it.  A big chunk of the blame for my pain was mine.


Me too, and that is one of the gifts of the relationship.  Anyone got others?

Thanks for the support, my kindred spirit friends.

It's still forward for me. I have too much to do, and cannot let this push me back. Pain? Yes. But pain is there for us to learn from, should we choose to do so.


I'll take a stab at that from a generic point of view. Through my entire life, i've never had overlapping relationships, and actually taken plenty of time in between them. Years, sometimes. Put aside all this 'PD' stuff for a moment, and consider that the healthiest thing to do after any break up (even the non-crazy ones) is to heal. I've never subscribed to the notion that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Time is essential to heal, grow, learn, and move forward to something (hopefully) healthier. Time is your friend.

These kinds of relationships - as in not just BPD, but all disorders and addictions - are particularly painful and complicated. I've always referred to mine as "Theater of the Absurd". The healing component will be particularly protracted, and simply can't be bypassed. I'll know I'm where I need to be when info like this doesn't phase me, and I no longer feel resentment. After all, anger isn't the opposite of love... .indifference is.

Forward!

I think the pain of our memories will always be there. Suffering is temporary. We all suffered and can get past that, but we will never get rid of the painful memory.

Like a physical loss, like an arm being ripped off, this experience will scar us for life. I am sure loosing a ams is very traumatic, but also something that is possible to overcome and live happy afterwards, after years of getting used to and training to cope. The memory of having a functioning arm will still be there when looking at the prosthesis.

It might be exaggerated, but I really think this emotional pain is quite up there. And as you all, I too have difficulties moving my life forward (to the happy dream of a family a house and a barfing dog on a hot summers day). Maybe we all got emotionally handicapped from this?

I would say we suffered major trauma, to say the least. This is no ordinary pain from the average breakup. This was major surgery and it was done with no anesthesia.

All the best  for you.

This is true, but those memories will fade. I don't think you'd want them to completely disappear. They're part of the Human experience and do serve the very valuable lessons we need to learn. It's unfortunate that all of us have had to experience this trauma, but it does tell us that there's something wrong with us, too. If we can't learn from this, we could very easily find ourselves right back in the middle of madness. No thanks!

not sure i agree with this.  i do not want to feel this pain any longer than necessary.  i'm working on releasing it.  i don't think i need to remember (continue to re-experience) the pain in order to learn (and remember) the lesson.  gawd i hope not, lol!

anyone familiar with EFT (emotional freedom technique aka "tapping"?  check this out  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvkNIFmj7PE

icu2

No you don't want to continue to re-experience it, this is why we are here.  To learn, grow and heal.  But if it becomes too vague a memory we are at risk of a repeat.  I did this.  I was with a man 20 yrs ago that I now realise was BPD.  He was scary!  I moved 3000 miles to get away from him!  And what did I do?  I ended up in another scary r/s!  I had not forgotten the warning signs but I forgot the pain!  I hope I always remember the pain to at least a small extent.

hmmm no i still disagree.  it's not remembering the memory or the pain that  makes me learn or keeps the lesson in my head.  i think i learn the lesson thru the pain, but what really should keep me from re-doing the same mistake is that i have actually changed inside.  i am no longer the same sick person so i'll no longer attract a sick pwBPD.  see what i mean?  and even if i do  attract one, or one comes around me, i will trust my gut and see the red flags and then walk away... .i won't stay in the BS.  that's my take on it, anyways.  YMMV

check out this youtube video  about EFT (emotional freedo technique or "tapping"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvkNIFmj7PE

icu2

And for still another viewpoint... .

We won't forget, but all of the emotional energy around the memory fades, plus we get to keep the lessons; it's a good deal in the end.  The pain is the motivator to keep digging for answers, the rumination is our brain rewiring itself to make sense of what happened and make life tolerable, which it does very well, and then it's up to us to take the lessons and the memories, without the pain, into a more empowering and empowered future.  One man's opinion, apply as needed... .

Forgetting memories is probably a moot point, anyway - short of brain injury, Amnesia, or Alzheimers. The most significant ones will always be there somewhere in some dusty neural filing cabinet.

I remember watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" right after the first breakup. I thought, nah... .the good still outweighed the bad at that point (at least time-wise). Now? Strap me in!  :)

All memories fade, good and bad. We think of them more rarely.

Some bad memories stops to hurt, even when reminded about them (like dead grandmother, I remember the funeral and I cried, but feel absolutely neutral about it today, it was resolved).

I am of the belief that THESE memories will never stop to hurt, as they are unresolved. Best to hope for is that they will fade and we will only think about it very very rarely. I too would rather have her and the memories erased completely (Eternal Sunshine way if possible).

I didn't have any (major) issues before meeting her. I don't have any history of such relationships, I got trapped in. I do/did have some self-esteem problems when it comes to women (I'm not good enough, I don't deserver her or her), so maybe I settled for less  - and could be at risk of repeating that.

But this is turning to rather be cynicism (they are all nuts and trying to screw you over somehow anyway). Frankly, I preferred my old issues.  :)

i agree w/all you said there except that one bit i quoted.  i don't mean to nitpick, but see, i truly believe it isn't just about letting time fade the memory (that does work somewhat, but takes forever and a day) or fading the emotional energy around/or of memory.  everything is energy.  i believe we can actually change the +/- charge of the memory itself, which actually changes the memory!   EFT is one easy way to do it.   i've done some energetic healing work that does it as well, but that took me 3 hrs for each session whereas EFT takes only minutes. 

i think EFT and the energy healing work i've done probably both work at the quantum level.  i don't understand it all, not by a longshot(!), but quantum physics is ever so fascinating to me.

icu2

I'm not a fan of EFT, but I am a fan of whatever works for people.

I still remember most of what went down in my relationship, but the emotional energy behind it is totally gone.  My recipe, one that has worked on many things, is to eat right, get a lot of exercise, but not too much, hydrate well, get good sleep, stay grounded spiritually, and consciously focus on the future and where I'm going, not where I've been.  Instead of fighting something, it's best to create something new, and when we do that whatever we were fighting takes care of itself.

I call these veiled confessions. Its as if they are trying to ease their conscience without admitting fault.

one thing I tell people on here when trying to get over a break up is to believe the worse. I didnt do this with my ex wife and as things came out I was knocjed back in my healing process. With my exggf I belived the worse which turned out to be true. As I found out about things it still hurt but not as much as it would have. This post goes to show that even after two years finding out things can still hurt your recovery.

 I just want to thank everyone for sharing on this post.  I experienced all of the expert deceit, manipulation and damage. I too, am suffering as a result of my interaction with my pwBPD. Some of what I endured is just so sick. The lies... .and I am sure that I don't even know the half of it. I too, have learned (through therapy) my part in the relationship. I too, am amazed at the cold skill of the liars that we lived with.i also know that I am not stupid or bad for having empathy and for trusting someone who I "thought" was honest.

I don't know what all the answers are but I have slowly learned how to trust and love me as a result of all of this. I know that that person is very sick and damaged to be going through life lying to and manipulating everyone that they interact with.

I don't have any profound answers, but again I want to thank everyone, as somehow knowing that others went through this helps me to heal. Thanks for you honesty and openness!

Yeah, it does hurt, but I've been focusing hard on the potential benefits, as others mentioned earlier.

Under more normal circumstances, I have always found great catharsis is writing. Letters, usually, that never will be sent. In the past two years, I've had these letters swirling around in my head, but have never been able to type or write a single word. It was uncanny. I've never had a writer's block like that before. In the few days since this info came to light - page after page like War and Peace. 

Thats the problem with denial. You confuse yourself between what your gut says and what your heart says. I was the same with my ex wife. Little snippets came to light over time until I accepted that she wasnt who I thought she was. Only then could I think clearly enough to start healing.

For me the lens of perspective is a total rewrite of many aspects of the relationship.

hi h2h, i like your recipe for healing.  this.   it's the antithesis of everything BPD, right.  

curious what it is about EFT (emotional freedom technique) you don't like?  it's based on the ancient systems of acupuncture.  it's like emotional acupuncture, sans needles.  are you not a fan of acupuncture as well?  have you tried EFT?  curious what your eperience(s) has been.  i saw a video of a therapist that uses EFT and she said it's 98-99% effective ~ that's an awesome rate.

i saw this claim, "Pierre De Vernejoul proved that the meridian network does exist", googled it and voila, true. .  that meridian network is what the ancient acupuncture and modern EFT is based on.  i don't necessary require it, but do get a kick out of it when science verifies what mystics have thought or known all along.

("1995 Pierre De Vernejoul proved that the meridian network does exist. He & his team of investigators injected non-harmful radioactive technetium into the arms & legs o volunteers at the sites of commonly used acupuncture points along the meridian system. Using gamma-camera imaging to track the flow. Finding that the radioactive isotope traveled along the meridian pathways. The substance was injected randomly elsewhere in the body, it did not move along any specific internal pathway."

don't remember if i detailed this or not, but i bought video tapes of EFT abt 15-20 years ago.  it was long, cumbersome, complex, and i did not follow thru w/ it.  but this FasterEFT on you tube is streamlined and efficient.  it's amazing the way he's distilled it down to it's very essence.  i highly recommend eeryone give it a sot.  what's one got to lose?  nothing.  gain?  potentially everything!  

Congratulations o n being two years out.     I am now also just coming to my two year mark of NC.     I have had all avenues of contact blocked the whole time.     I have no idea or desire to know who, what, or where about her any longer.    We live in a smaller sized city and I have been in traffic beside her and she scurries off (not as fast as I do)  but I know she knows how bad she hurt me and doesnt want to  face anything she s done.   Im doing well and have adjusted.      Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all.   

Hi ucme-

It's not that I don't like it, it's just the wrong focus from me, but hey, whatever works for folks is fine with me.  To me who we are is our spirit, our heart and our mind, in that order, and our body is just a vessel.  If we get our spirit, heart and mind centered and in agreement our bodies will take care of themselves; we can make ourselves healthy with those or we can make ourselves sick.  Of course the vessel needs a little maintenance and support, my recipe as I mentioned before, but starting with the body to heal the others is backwards to me.  And of course, the right way for each of us is the way that works.

That is pretty interesting.  Did you know the "iceman" they found frozen in the mountains in Europe from, if I recAll correctly the upper Paleolithic, had tattos on acupuncture points that corresponded to problems he had with his organs.  I think the iceman was from the upper Paleolithic and he was a European. So the evidence points to the meridian System wasn't necessarily a Chinese development and had been known and forgotten in Europe for thousands of years before civilization began.