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Just curious to know if any of you thought your exBPD gf would have ever cheated on you?  With mine, It never crossed my mind that she would betray me in such a manner.  Her words reinforced her loyal to me on almost a daily basis.

I didn't think she would.  Now, I have no idea how much cheating took place.  Almost nothing would shock me at this point.   

Nope. The way she talked about cheaters and how she had been cheated on, I would have never thought that she would have done what she did. Guess I'm the sucker... .

It came as a complete shock after 17 years.

It was also beyond what I could tolerate, which changed our relationship dymanic for good. This in turn made put so much pressure on my exwife that she came in touch with psychiatry and got a serious evaluation and diagnosis for the first time.

Basically, I would put up with anything but THAT and she crossed the line.

Initially, because all of the love bombing i didn't think so. That perception changed very quickly once i saw what she was really like. To say she cheated on me is an understatement, she was pretty much running a one woman ___ house from my house with my child and her other kids in the adjacent rooms.

Never. When I met my ex, she was basically a hermit. Just stayed in her bedroom most of the time unless I were to come by and take her out. She had zero friends and wasn't going to school. Didn't have a job either. She kept in touch with a couple of her ex-boyfriends, but I was never concerned. I really did trust her. But then... .

She wanted to try cam modeling, and became internet friends with one of her regular viewers. A 40-year-old man from England who was twice her age. Keep in mind we live Canada, meaning the distance was quite substantial, and he wasn't much to look at either, so I didn't care. Month by month she got more attached to him. Eventually she asked me if she could meet him, like have him come visit, and I said no. Not to long after that, I find evidence on Skype of a real emotional/sexual affair and then break things off with her. I was devested, in pieces. I never thought in a million years she would do me like that... .especially with HIM of all people.

double post

Nope. I don't think (though right now I wouldn't put any money on it) that she did during our short marriage. The minute things got rocky, before or after I left her, she was on dating sites. I know she slept with other people very quickly after I left her, whilst at the same time saying she wanted to reconcile. Technically, I don't know if we can call that cheating (and if she can get out of the label technically she will), but it was emotionally dishonest, that surprised me of her. I thought more of her than that, at least on the level of fidelity. I'm still a bit shocked she could do it, it's really not who I thought she was. For all her crazy other crap, I thought at least she had that, ... .Oh well, more nails for the coffin

No, and my ex GF didn't cheat on me. I trusted her in that area.

And I don't think she would have -- but I have to say that I do think continued long-term fidelity would have been conditional upon her receiving enough of what she needed from me and our relationship, over time. Time would be the deciding factor, I think. I think that if our r-ship didn't proceed to marriage, on her timeline (which we were already well past -- she thought 6 mos was sufficient time to make that decision), she eventually would have found a replacement and chosen to move on. Which, in itself, isn't really BPD behavior exclusively. Though I still believe that, before anyone chooses to pursue a new relationship, they should end the one they're in.

While she never cheated on me during our relationship, when we'd argue, there were times when she'd get angry with me for not simply agreeing to something she wanted that I thought was unreasonable (like, you have to invite me to everything you plan to do with other people, regardless of whether or not you already know that I can't attend, or wouldn't be interested, you can't have any female friends, etc.), and she'd use hypothetical triangulation to manipulate me. Things like, "Well, if you're not willing to spend more time with me during the week, I'll start spending time with other people!" Every time she tried that, I'd imply that I thought it was completely reasonable -- if she felt like adult company and I wasn't available, call a friend. Sure. Why not? But, to her, any company always implied some kind of romantic shenanigans -- that was the underlying implication -- that if I didn't care enough about her, she'd get attention from someone else. Basically, trying to make me insecure -- which is mean at best, and abusive at worst.

I'm proud of the way I handled that one, actually. Every time it came up, I told her to do what she wanted to do. When her initial strategy failed to have the desired effect (total compliance with her demands), she'd escalate immediately to hypotheticals --

X: "So, let me get this right, because I want to make sure that I completely understand you. Are you telling me that you would be "ok" with me spending time with my single male friends?"

Me: "Sure -- if they're only friends. Why not? I trust you. I don't have anything to worry about."

X: "Wow. Just wow. I don't know what to say."

And I believe that she really didn't know what to say at that point. As a former therapist said to me when I told him that story -- "you let her know that you weren't going to be part of that circus, and that shocked her."

Mine always told me she belonged to me and told me repeatedly that i was the love of her life.  She gave me the sense that i was the only man in the world.

I am pretty sure she never cheated on me during our relationship of 7 months.  We lived 3 hours apart but we talked every night on the phone when we did not see each other.

However, she was quick to be on a dating site after our first breakup.  She was on the site within minutes after the breakup (she admitted to me).  Honestly, i do not think she cheated on me.  But i have to confess she did possess behavior that was strange at times.  She also always had to tell me guys were hitting on her or asking her out.  Everywhere she went there was always a guy "paying attention" to her.  She is a very beautiful woman so i guess that is normal.  I don't think she ever cheated.  I don't believe all pwBPD are like that.

It was the last thing I expected of my xBPDh.  I knew he was capable of some very nasty behaviour but I never thought he'd cheat.  He was so hurt that his ex wife had left him for another man and he knew my ex husband had cheated on me, so he swore he could never do that because he knew the pain it caused.  He hated cheaters.  But he did say some things that I overlooked at the time, but I think he was trying to tell me that he had cheated on his first wife.  I believe he was only upset by the 2nd wife cheating on him because she beat him to it!

If it's a pattern to break up, sleep with other guys then come back to reconcile, it's cheating. They know damn well that this hurts us just the same, they're not stupid.

Near the end of our latest recycle she would 'break up' every other day to go see her other guy and then come back the same day she slept with him  

I can't believe I didn't send her walking THE VERY FIRST TIME this happened, it's still something I struggle with, I feel very uncomfortable with it... .But what's done is done I guess.

She swears she never cheated on me while we were together and she's honest or at least partially about the other times so it would make no sense to lie about that. But then what does make sense about what she says and does, not much... .So do I believe her? Nah not really

Geez, clyde -- that's awful. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. You and your kids are better off without her. Sorry, man.

Yes, the 'I was at a party and this guy asked me to sleep with him'. I find that behaviour really weird, again, it only came after I left her and she moved out and she was trying to reconcile.

It doesn't encourage me to take her back, it makes me nervous she's a hoe (sorry) and less likely to take her back. Not sure she got what motivated me.

I agree with this somewhat.  Mine did seem to have an emotional affair throughout our 2.5 year relationship, with a guy who she doesn't respect very much.  She did throw his name around a few times just to abuse me when I guess she felt like I had the upper hand in the relationship.  She probably had a couple physical transgressions with a couple different guys while I wasn't looking.  In the final few weeks I believe she was actively looking for a replacement and may have engaged in full-blown cheating.  However, during almost all of the relationship we hung out every weekend (all weekend) and spoke on the phone every weeknight.  I don't think she really ran rampant with cheating until the final weeks (which, unfortunately, is when it hurts the most).  Oh, and one of the guys she was texting at the end was a friend of mine (now ex-friend), and she hung out with him after we broke up.

So, I guess I would say that she's a cheater, but I don't think the cheating was as rampant as I read about on some of these forums.  In fairness, maybe everyone (BPD and Nons) flirts a little with attractive members of the opposite sex when nobody is looking. 

My exwife was not especially beautiful to be honest, still there was always someone "paying attention" to her. Or at least she was very receptive to it, and eager to let me know.

Something very telling of the BPD mentality is that my exwife was very committed to being faithful, but after she had been cheating on me I asked her is what she really thought and it turned out she was open to swinging and would like me to sleep with other women and wouldn't mind sleeping with other men herself. She didn't think being sexually faithful was a big deal at all. She said it was just something she thought she was supposed to believe.

It is just one big revision of history.

I must confess that my ex was the last person on this planet I would have thought would have cheated on me after 12 years together. To go on and Internet dating site and to meet some lowlife/lowlives, I did'nt see that coming... .

Especially as she was a born again christian!

As I've said above, I trusted my ex, and don't believe that she ever cheated on me while we were together. But, that's according to my definition. I do know she maintained some email/social media connections with male acquaintances -- which I'm comfortable with, but it's a double standard -- because if I did this, she labeled it as an "emotional affair." Such bs.


The two times I broke off our relationship before this last time, my ex created new dating profiles within weeks -- which I feel she was well within her rights to do because we were apart. I will say though that given the intensity of our relationship, and the amount of love we shared, I was pretty shocked and hurt that she could move on that quickly -- I certainly couldn't and didn't. She even went on some dates during these periods -- again, that's her right. What wasn't cool was the double standard. Because she could spend time with people, and for her it would be nothing more than a "friendly dinner," or "coffee" or "a playdate with our kids." But, if I had legitimately platonic meetings with long-time female friends, they were "___s" and I was "screwing her replacement." The first time we broke up and I experienced being painted black by her, I was crushed -- I couldn't believe it, didn't understand it, was scared by it and really emotionally devastated. I shouldn't have taken her back, but she talked it all away. The second time we broke up, I was prepared for it -- past behavior really is a terrific predictor of future behavior -- and, as predicted, the splitting commenced. What stood out to me the second time was how eerily similar it was to what happened a year before -- her rants, taking the form of hundreds of voicemails and emails, and thousands of txt msgs, often included the same wording and phrasing, the same baseless accusations -- that I was a liar, a cheater, had a mental disorder, intentionally misled her, only wanted her for sex, should she get tested for STDs, etc. -- awful, hateful crap. Very much like she'd pulled a tape out of storage -- "let's see... .time to play that Victim! CD again" -- popped it into her brain, turned up the volume, and blasted it for all to hear.


My ex was very similar. She had lots of acquaintances, from what I could discern -- primarily people she worked with. But she spent very little actual face-time with any of them. Mainly, she filled her time with distractions -- shopping, working out, reading, writing -- but, now that I know her, I would imagine she spent a good bit of time online, looking for a mate. I know she frequented dating sites -- that's how we met.


How bizarre, paperlung. My ex never went that far, but her behaviors during our separation periods did give me pause. When we met, she'd just started attending occasional events at a sex club in the area, with some friends of hers who I guess were swingers. She said nothing ever happened, but she did mislead me about the nature of the place, indicating that it was just a laid-back, upscale club for sexy adults when, in reality, the club markets itself definitely as a place for acting out fantasies. She used to try to get me to take her, but I always had a bad feeling about it, given how jealous she was of all of my relationships with anyone other than her, including my mail friends -- let's not even get started on my platonic female friends! ALL of them were, b/c I was in a relationship with her -- which she never got. Even if she pretty much accepted that a friendship could be platonic, she'd ask, "But what if she starts to, you know, like you? That could happen." She wasn't able to understand how, if you're committed to someone, it really doesn't matter if someone else comes on to you -- because you're not interested! (I think this stems from pwBPD struggling with self-directed behavior. They're so wired to behave in ways that make other people see them as idealized that the idea of turning away someone who is providing interest and attention is really confusing to them. Particularly if they have a narc streak -- they're addicted to this stream of attention. And, if it's sexually charged attention, it's very potent.)

Anyway -- I never took her to the club. She tried many times to get me to take her to strip clubs, which I also refused to do. She told me on a couple occasions that she had an exhibitionist side -- which I saw in her need for attention. She definitely "dressed up" for me -- always trying to become some image that she had in her brain of what she thought I was looking for (don't bother to ask me, though). ( We dated for over a year before I ever saw her wear a pair of jeans -- and I never saw her in shorts, ever!) She was unhappy with her job, and was always trying to think of new ways to earn a living -- one that often came up was to be a phone sex girl. Honestly, I don't know if she was just saying these things for effect or to get a rise out of me -- but it was awkward and a little creepy. And certainly nothing I'd ever be able to get away with, if the stiletto were on the other foot!


Same here, French -- I was the only man that she was interested in, she couldn't imagine being with or wanting anyone else, from the minute she'd met me, she knew I was the one and felt an overwhelming sexual attraction, blah blah blah. She went as far as to try to convince me that she'd never loved anyone else (she'd been married twice before) and she never enjoyed sex with guys before me. Which I never believed, and kind of felt insulted by -- the opposite effect from what she wanted, I'm sure. In one of the rare areas where she was consistent, though -- the thought of me with anyone else, including ex-gfs in the past totally freaked her out. Yet, during her splitting black campaigns, this same woman claimed that, when we started dating, she was only looking for friends, and I "tricked" her into having a relationship just to have sex with her! Of course, I guess I was supposed to have forgotten the other stuff that really happened! And she was posting online about one guy she hung out with a few times while we were apart, and how they had dinner and went to his apt once night "for some mutually agreed upon beforehand hanky panky, but nothing serious." Which, again, hurtful but fine -- we were split up. But she actually did that, admitted to it, posted it online -- yet I was some kind of heinous pervert if I so much as had dinner with a friend during that same time period. God.


Yep. Again, very similar with my ex. She'd cut all her hair off when she was mad at me, purely out of spite -- because she knew how much attractive I thought she was with long hair (and I get it -- it's her hair, get over it, Ev, it'll grow back) -- but she knew it would upset me and knew it's bad form to be critical of your woman's appearance, but she'd show up and immediately start in -- "Oh, honey, I know you probably hate my hair. But I just couldn't take it anymore. But what do you think? It doesn't look bad, does it? Lots of people told me they loved it today! Especially the guys at ______, for some reason... ." Triangulate, triangulate, triangulate. The implication? -- You better start upping your game and giving me all that sweet attention that you owe me because if you don't start putting out I just might go somewhere else... . 

Evy don't play that game.

No. If nothing else while in the r/s (whether it be a 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or 1 year r/s) she would not cheat.  She was victimized by 2 ex husbands who cheated on her badly.

Although I have never cheated on any gf or wife I believe had I married this BPDgf or stay in a permanent r/s with her I probably would have cheated on her to escape her negativity and ultimately her.

This is a radical change to my value system but I feel like I would have cheated to survive.

I'm glad you weren't cheated on, nowwhatz -- it's a terrible thing to deal with. (My ex wife and my ex fiancee both cheated on me, and the betrayal is awful.)


That last line there -- that's something to meditate on. It was one of the reasons I finally decided to leave my ex -- feeling like the pressures of trying to sustain a relationship were turning me into someone I didn't want to be. I'd become increasingly impatient with the double standards, the demands, the accusations, constantly being treated in ways that made me feel like a failure as a partner and a jackass as a person -- neither of which is accurate, nor how I or anyone else in my life (friends, family, colleagues) sees me. Arguments escalated quickly, and little repeatedly annoying things that I used to be able to blow off earlier in our relationship now immediately irritated me. Sick of all the demands, I began making some of my own. Exhausted by the mistreatment, I stopped trying myself. It was all just spiraling -- yet she refused to accept that we should consider breaking up. For whatever reason, to her, continual conflict, negativity and bickering were something you lived with if you loved your partner. And according to her, all or most of the negativity could be eliminated if I would just lighten up and stop sweating the small stuff. In other words -- just accept her as she is and celebrate her wacky approach to life, regardless of whether or not it worked for me. Because that's what you do when you love someone, she'd lecture -- and that was what she was doing with me, she'd tell me.

We shouldn't need to change who we are to have a good relationship, let alone turn into someone we don't want to be.

The day before I moved in with my ex I had a talk with her and told her that since I was giving up my apartment and all of my furniture, that she needed to be sure that she wanted me to move in with her and that she just won't get tired of me one day and kick me out abruptly.

She said, "As long as you don't cheat on me, abuse me, of hurt my kids. You don't have anything to worry about. And cheating isn't just sex, it also means emotional talking with other women too".

It's ironic that she's the one that turned out to be physically and emotionally cheating on me. I'm doing so much better everyday going forward. But sometimes thinking and typing this stuff makes me want to puke on myself. I literally can't believe some of this stuff really happened. Sometimes I actually still think to myself, "What the heck happened?"

Has my relationship progressed and I figured out the amount of alcohol and Xanax abuse, and the mixing of the two that was going on, I felt I could not trust her if she was left alone. She was a very beautiful and seductive woman, who loved attention and knew how to get it. She used it to manipulate me to no end. Deep down I don't think that sober she would cheat, but while self harming with substance abuse and her looks, she could easily end up in a cheating situation. She always claimed not to be, but who knows... .telling half truths and twisting was second nature to her!

It really does your head in doesn't it? Mine used to go on and on how all all her boyfriends had cheated on her, how horrible it all was, tears and all. I also had the endure endless rages over my supposed cheating that she had gotten in her head out of the blue. Needless to say, I hadn't so much as smiled at another woman ever since I know her. And now fast forward a few years, the grand finale, being conditioned by her into accepting her entertaining multiple boyfriends at once, being humiliated, abused, omfg!  The last recycle, it truly felt at times I was having a really messed up dream and had to wake up any moment, unreal... .

The funny thing is, I recall during the early days of our relationship with my ex, she was jealous of me for speaking and looking at my friends wife at a party as if I fancied her, and brought this up in an argument the following day.

This was absolute nonsense of course, but I was always wary for the rest of our time together of looking or speaking to another woman, especially the ones she did not know. I always felt that she never really trusted me but with no justification for being this way.

I guess this was another red flag which I ignored!

No, and I don't believe she ever did.  For one, she did not keep in close contact with her exes the way many have mentioned their BPD exes did.  All were painted black and of no interest to her.  Just "horrible men" who "wronged her" in one way or another.  Beyond that, she was pretty scarred by her father's constant cheating on her mother (including his poorly kept secret that he had an illegitimate child in another country).  

Mine was, too--- and this shows that underneath BPD, they are all individuals so it's not good to fall into black and white thinking about the disorder.

It was yet another "kept woman" that they all found out about in the winter of 2012 where she really started a months long slide into dissociation. My reactions didn't help, of course. It took me months after she left to look back and go "a-ha!" especially given she started openly rebelling against her mother... .which I think was resentment about her mom not finally leaving this time. All of the kids wanted their mom to leave him finally. So after years of her telling me how I would be the one to cheat, she did. She actually admitted during one weekend break between the dissociation that she had become like her father.

It wasn't transference of her mother's pain, which I would have thought might have at least been something she showed empathy over: "Look how hurt my mom and all of the kids are. I'd never do something like that!" Yet she did months later (again, I'll admit that me being avoidant didn't help... .I think she actually wanted me to confront the guy like her mom did the woman).

That comment is something that a year ago I would have reacted to with a "hmm that's a bit strange but of course she has nothing to worry about. I love her and I'll take care of her and be there for her. I won't mess this up.". Had I heard the same thing now, from anyone, I would never stop running. 

fred6 --

Glad to hear that you're doing better. And this --


-- is a completely normal response. Hang in there.

Heartbroken Eagle -- wow:


Here's an excerpt from an email she sent me about three months into our r-ship:


But, after a few years -- when most people become more secure in their relationships -- that very tune was re-scored in a minor key and got completely new lyrics. Here's another bit of an email, from the same ex (of course), 2 years into the relationship -- she'd sent me an email and asked me what I was up to at the office, and I'd not had a chance to reply yet. Instead of waiting, she sent this:


As I keep saying -- it can be exasperating to try to communicate with someone with this illness.

She did say early on that she thought that people who cheated sucked, and mentioned something about cheating another time way out of left field. I assume she was cheating. She told me a co worked signed her up on tinder. (Eye roll)

Mine always said the same thing " I'd never cheat on you I know how that feels ive been cheated on so many times its heart breaking "

Once we split I found she cheated on me twice ! Once with an ex and once on a night out when I was baby sitting her kids ! Man I'm defiantly a sucker !

My ex BPDgf told me the same thing about her exes she always said she was scared of 2 of them ! And they had wronged her etc but still she cheated with the one that she spoke the worst of ! They are good at telling you what you want to hear !

In response to eyvindrs story:

My wife also wanted me to check out other women - when it suited her. When she was in a good/sexual mood she used to say she was bisexual and wanted to hear what I thought of other women. This backfired horribly a few days later when she was back in a bad mood, because then she was straight and jealous.

The problem was that whole world changed with her feelings - including her sexuality and moral standards.

hergestridge --

This is the kind of stuff that makes this illness so bizarre -- how similar their behaviors are! --


If I didn't know any better, it would be hard to not really think we were talking about the same person. After all, what would the probability be for more than one person to behave this way? Well, of course, for a pwBPD, it's pretty par for the course.

My ex from very early in our r-ship said, almost like a confession, that she considered herself to be gay as opposed to bisexual. I know some people are kind of sexually ambivalent -- heteroflexible, I think (?) is the word for it. Maybe. She insisted that she was gay, though the behaviors she described to me sounded decidedly bi, as definitions go. The way she explained it, she tried to say that, except for me, she would only be interested in women. Was this true? Who knows. Did I ever really believe this? -- no, largely because we were together (and she definitely wasn't sexually indifferent with me... .), and she'd been married twice before, as well as had numerous BFs throughout her life. And GFs, according to her. But from what she shared with me, despite claiming to be gay, her romantic liaisons were weighted much more on the hetero side.

I have to think that, at some point, she suffered from some form of sexual abuse. It's the only thing that really fits, and the literature indicates that there's a huge correlation between PDs like BPD and DID with sexual abuse. She vehemently denied this, which also fits with the illness and it's roots in shame. I want to believe that she was never a victim, of course, I want to believe that she's being truthful -- bu one has to wonder. And it's possible that the incident, if there was one, was so traumatic that she has completely suppressed the memory of it. But, if there was an incident, I would tend to believe that she hasn't suppressed it -- her mind is too good. More like denial.

I think her claims of being gay-except-for-me were intended to give me some false sense of security that I'd never have to worry about her being unfaithful (which I generally don't, unless I have reason to -- I'm real low on the insanely jealous spectrum) -- and to reinforce the wow-we're-such-100%-soulmates magical thinking/idealization thing. That said, I could easily envision her going through phases -- for instance, after a painful hetero break-up, it wouldn't be a stretch to imagine her embracing her anger to the extent that she would extend it to all men and, as such, would have to shift to having exclusive relationships with women. Which is also interesting, because, though she did talk about a few such gay r-ships that she had -- unlike her past r-ships with men, she never indicated that even one of them was anything more than "dating" -- which is a huge language thing for her. For instance, we were committed -- but we weren't married, engaged or living together yet. But if I ever used the word "dating" in any conversation -- like, "I've never enjoyed dating anyone as much as you, honey!" -- hoo boy -- you could almost see the words before she said them, "Wait -- so, you're telling me that we're just dating? I thought we were in a committed relationship." 

In the end, it was just one more of those disappointing things where your partner leads you to believe that they're having fun, and then one day you're at a party, and you comment on the definition of someone's calves, and instead of saying, "yeah, wow!" they say, "I'm sorry my calves aren't muscular enough for you. Why were you looking at her legs, anyway? You hurt my feelings. And, besides, it's pretty rude."   

Agreed - it killed the relationship for me. My head tried to talk me out of it... .I wanted to (and did) keep trying... .but it's one of the few times in my life that my heart has completely and authoritatively overruled my head. It's been 8 months since I learned of the affair and I still feel the same way.  I don't say this in anger - it's just something new I've  learned about myself. If you're in a committed relationship with me and decide to ___ someone else, I'm totally and unequivocally done.

And no - I would have never, ever imagined she was capable of it.

Now that I'm 5 months out of the r/s and the FOG is lifting, I understand that I projected my values onto her.  The truth is that I am incapable of it - not her. 

Totally on the same page with both of you guys. Been cheated on, and it's a deal-breaker for me, too. One and done.

Yes, if only because I think anyone cheat with the proper motivation and situation.  But I didn't think of my ex as particularly disloyal.

That is so true, that's what I've come to realise also! About everything, not just infidelity.

I don't know if mine cheated while we were together.  I assume not bc he wasn't away from me that much to cheat accept for a few trips he took without me.  But looking back, who knows and I don't even care anymore as it doesn't affect me now 7 mths out. 

When we broke up the first time he moved out and then about a month later he moved out of province to his brother's.  He returned a month after that and we recycled.  When we split the second time he was gone immediately.  I assumed he was staying with his friend.  A couple of weeks later his brother's wife informed me that no, he was staying with his ex gf!  And not only that, he stayed with her the first time we split and he never told me any of this.  I was dumbfounded!  It made me realise just how little I knew about him.  If he was capable of lying to me about that then who knows what else.

I was in the perfect storm of the "proper motivation and situation" - and I still didn't cheat.  It was more important to me to remain a person of integrity who could still look at myself in the mirror with pride - way more important than 'getting off' or engaging in a 'revenge ___'.

Guess I don't agree with you... .

Well said.  I never thought she was capable.  Despite her telling me she cheated on basically everyone she had been with prior.  I'm sure she did.  Leopards don't change their spots, especially ones with BPD. 

My exBPDgf and I lived together and spent a ton of time together - that's no insurance at all.  She went on several dates with someone we (yes, "we" worked with - when she had, in the past, described him as kind of gross (and probably disease ridden).  She made out with her dance instructor when I knew she was taking lessons - and used to talk about how weird he was, to top it all off. She had a full blown affair with someone she worked with - and their trysts occurred between the time she finished with work and had a few hours of free time before an evening meeting.

Even as we were trying to work things out after I found out about her affair, she told me at one point in an email that that she was "so hoping to take this journey with me" - in other words, that we would be able to work things out.  But I found out later that she had created a meetup.com profile exactly 11 days prior, and her interests include "speed dating" and "dating and relationships."

You never, ever know.

I've been thinking a lot about how I projected my values onto her.  That's my fault - I made lots of assumptions in the first few months of our relationship because a) I enjoyed the idealization I was receiving, and b) I was unhappy (for a number of reasons) at that point in my life.  The kind of projection I engaged in enabled me to give myself the "green light" in moving forward with the relationship - but it cost me dearly in terms of lost time and peace of mind.

I am hoping to identify all of the parts of the relationship that were my responsibility before I get involved with anyone else.

Never in a million years... .well in hindsight, maybe. I always thought that her character was so strong that she would never stoop to something like that. But hindsight tells me that may not have been the case. I can look back to events and circumstances that make me question that line of thought now, and it makes me very sad to think so.  :'(

I was always 100% committed and faithful to her in action, even though it's sometimes hard not to look and fantasize about other women, as hard as I tried not to, always diverting the gaze when a scantily clad or attractive woman is around or in pictures, advertising, etc. And not participating with my coworkers ogling woman in whatever form they did or whatever media it presented itself in. I know that's part of the human condition, though, for men and women alike. I acknowledged that I was sure that was the case for her, as well, as it has to be for everyone, but since we were so committed to each other and loved each other so much (so I thought), I never in the world would've thought she would act on any of it. I thought our relationship was extremely special and "different" than what most of our society seems to settle for these days. Our particular faith that we share teaches that it's wrong and she was always talking about honesty and how strongly she followed what our faith professes.

One of my running "jokes" through our marriage was that if XW ever left me for someone else, she will have lost her mind. We would agree and laugh over the absurdity of the very idea. This was because we were so in love... .Stupid me. In hindsight, this was the pattern of all her relationships prior to me: fall in love with boyfriend, meet another, cheat on boyfriend with new one, leave him... .Again and again. Never without a boyfriend, never alone. Overlapping relationship syndrome. I just lasted the longest because we had children. Oh, and I do believe her mind has always been lost. I just chose not to see it.

totally agree with jhkbuzz on his post.  When you live by values in a committed relationship, you don't cheat on your SO, no matter what the circumstances may be. 

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They are good at telling us what we want to hear, but I'm still not worried about cheating in my case.  The only one of her exes who even lived in the same country as we did (1500 miles away) finally came out of the closet after a year of dating her.  The others were all married living in Europe or Central America.  Her only friends where we lived were my friends, and she only interacted with them when I was around.  No real options for her to cheat.

Eyvindr my first ex-wife cheated on me. It was horrible.

What you said in your last two paragraphs is powerful stuff.  I have turned into something I don't want to be due to this r/s.