BPDFamily.com

I'm continuing this thread firstly because I have received such great support during this trying time (thanks so much to all of you!) and secondly because this message is so important to all of us. ":)on't cave in to the abuse". Most of the power pwBPD extract from relationships is based around co-ercing,  forcing the other partner to bend/adapt to their will. The message is ":)ON'T"

Today is apparently the day my W is divorcing me. She has told the children. She has told her family and friends and she has told me.  No-one really knows if she will, except her. I'm going home from work early to be there if she tries to take the kids after school and leave, like she has threatened.

I'm prepared. If she files I join the divorce board and give her the fight of her life. I'm going for full custody.

If she stays,  she will be required to respect my boundaries.

At least you have your line in the sand. Let us know how it unravels. It is hard, but this sounds like a turning point one way or another

 

Sounds to me like the biggest thing for today... .is what your legal advice... .options are if she tries to take kids and leave.

That would be a high stress situation... .very important to not make any moves there... .that would hurt your chances for full custody.

Make sure the lawyer you are using has experience in high conflict divorces...

Do you know exactly what she has told kids?

Doesn't really matter what she tells her family... .it's the kids that I... .and you... .are worried about.

Hi Moselle.  I have been following your story though I have not posted.  I realize that makes me sound like a bit of a stalker, but (!) as a member of Team Moselle I am always concerned about you.  I don't have much to say about your situation other than to encourage you to take care of yourself.  I say that for you but also because I know your girls will benefit the best with a healthy father like you in their corner.  As a matter of fact, I think the work you have done and the behavior you have demonstrated thus far in terms of taking care of yourself and them has planted the seeds for understanding and awareness at the very least.  Don't underestimate the power of that my friend.   

Moselle, You're a wonderful example of staying strong amidst unimaginable distress. Wishing you the best.  |iiii

She filed. I'm a bit shocked. But it could not continue that way any more.

It's a bit surreal. I'm sad and angry.

Interesting... .let us know what your next move is.

 

hang in there... .make her own this.  Do not let her "blame" you for this... .or better said... .don't "accept" blame.

Mommy choose to leave... .daddy wants to stay a family.  She gets to deal with it.

Now she's starting with the anger and vitriol.

Lawyer said "stay in the home", don't confront. Keep it tidy.

So I will

Keep recorder going... .

Have you started a thread on the divorce board.  I recommend keeping one over here as well.

You will have a r/s with her... .so... whatever you can do the lesson the confrontation... .the better. 

What has lawyer said about doing psych evals to handle emergency custody... .I would hit that hard... .and quick.  Obviously with his guidance.

I have several buddies that have gone through this. 

The mindset is... .that you don't have to "prove" them crazy... .all you have to do is consistently shine the light... .they will take care of the rest.

Thoughts?

Thanks form.

Will have the conversation with he lawyer.

 

Hang in there... .this could be another ploy... another attempt (misguided) to get you to fight or go back to the way it was.

I don't think either way it really is... .changes your strategy... .but it's not over... until the judge makes it final.

Even then... .it's still not really over... .just a different fight.

|iiii   Hang tough... .!

In aviation lingo... .it's a dark night... .the deck is pitching... .and you have one engine out... .no divert. 

You can do this... .however this comes out... .you will be a better man.  I've watched your story develop... .watched you grow some steel b@ll$... .unfortunately you will most likely need them... .just know that they are there.

Moselle, one advantage you'll have if you go to court is that it will become obvious to the judge that you are thinking about the welfare of your children and the best interests of your family. People who work in the family court system have seen it all and are pretty attuned to who is the healthiest individual. Get plenty of rest and be kind to yourself.   

Thanks formflier. That means such alot.

having a crappy night. But yes, my standing up to her S@#t has these consequences.  These balls have taken 12... of BPD family to grow

No her family is behind this. They've convinced her there's.nothing wrong with her and it's all me

How sure are you?  It's  a slam dunk that you get psych evals for you and her... .whatever they are called... .even to determine initial custody.  You could extend that... you may be able to extend that... .for those that will have overnight visits with your kids... .(can't be too careful these days)

Certainly at least something to chat with L about.  Wait until she bumps into the court boundaries... .and they don't budge... .and you push back.  That will be interesting... .

Spoke to L about it. He said I can't force an independent evaluation of her. I can do so for the childen , and get to her that way.

  Sounds tough all around for you.

One thought for you... .as far as the divorce is going... .she may decide to back down, perhaps at the last minute--but she may not. You can't afford to play like she will back down.

Definitely get legal advice. Post on the legal board here... .also talk to a lawyer, perhaps multiple lawyers, especially if your lawyer isn't familiar with high conflict divorces/custody battles.

If you aren't running at least a voice recorder at all times, start asap.

She deleted evidence of bad behavior on her part... .but that doesn't mean she won't do it again.

Make sure you computer and phone are secure from her; change passwords, etc. Difficult when she's living in the same house with you. Do you think she found information about your account here?

Hi Moselle,

I'm sorry if I don't know your back story. She may or may not back-off.

The anger and vitriol is a tell. She's triggered. I've been through something similar. If she's telling her family and friends there may be a distortion campaign.

Your L gave you VERY good advice. DO NOT confront. Voice recorder is a very good idea.

You may be feeling a lot of mixed emotions and perhaps high tension. I'm sorry  

I understand you feel like giving her the fight of your life. I was seeing red and it doesn't help with a pwBPD in court. Don't lose your head.

It sounds like you have a good L. Do you have a T? How are you feeling?

We're here for you.

Keep reminding yourself your reasons are sound and based in reality. That her actions are provocative and that you must not be reactive.

Its not about today or tommorrow, it's about longer than that.

Spot on.

Stay centered.

As scary as this may be - it's acting out.

Think longview.

I think in these situations clear thinking is very important The reality with her family is one way or another your wife has convinced them she is fine an you are the problem not so much vice versa this may seem trivial but it is important to discern if you are to adress the sources of the problem

Also mosselle it looks like this is degenerating into a war footing with this in mind it is worth pointing out the main strength and scariest part of fighting almost anyone with BPD who though mostly incompetent have one overwhelming strength

They take no prisoners they will use your friends

children family to achieve there goals without

regard for consequences it is a battle which

you will lose from ( even if you are the victor )

unless you can acomplish a result with quick

efficency

SlyQQ,

Thanks for your note.

It might be degenerating into a war, but I will fight a war for the mental health of my children.

At the moment she is trying to evict me from the home. She won't let me in.

That's OK, today I file court applications for access.

I can't think of any more powerful motivation for this fight, than for the lives of my children. She's about about to find out how much of an immovable rock I am for them. She will learn that she cannot win any fight with the courts, or with lawyers. I just won't go away. The only precedent she will see is that I don't quit. If she wins a battle, it'll be refiled in a different way. But I will win the war.

sun tzu the art of war is worth looking at strategy at this stage is very important know your opponent ! patience and temperence are there weaknesses

That's very insightful.  How do you exploit those weaknesses?

PATIENCE Force them to wait on you? Drag it out?

TEMPERANCE Provoke them?

You... .as a strong non... have the ability to remain centered... and not be triggered.  Or... .to realize a trigger and get out and calm down.

pwBPD don't react well to stress... .enforcing your rights... your legal options will crank up the stress... .the crazyness that she does will work in your favor if you can document it... .and as long as you don't fall prey to it.

You must be strong... .take the long view.

That resolve will carry you a long ways.  |iiii

Please recognize it for what it is: A legal GOAL, not a legal STRATEGY.

You need to work with your L on a strategy. (And spend lots of time reading on the legal board and asking questions there! Good to see you've already posted there.)

Then everything you do regarding your wife should be set up to further your strategy.

To get your goals, you need to fight both hard and smart.

Good luck!

Thanks GK, ff.

All the lessons seem as applicable now as ever before.

I had a surreal experience at the lawyer's today. As I described my story, I realise that I played my role in a delusional world for 15 whole years. It feels like I have stepped out of a time warp. I should be shattered but I feel energised and excited for a new life.

I am sleeping outside my house in my SUV and I should feel down, but I feel free.

I had the bizarre experience of being invited by our neighbours to dinner with the kids there and W serving me food. The anger was absolutely pulverising.

This came about when I arrived home to no car no kids no anybody. I smsed W to let her know that she was restricting access to my children Again.  That's when the neighbour phoned to ask.me over. It was tense at first but settled down.

I left urging her to reconsider giving me the keys to the home. Surprise surprise "No". OK, it's going tactical now.

 

Why do you need keys to home? It's your home... correct?

Obviously... .check with your lawyer on strategy... .but your sleeping in driveway... .shows your commitment.

If your lawyer approves... .I would think getting a locksmith and gaining entry... providing her a key as well... is a good step.

Only if approved by lawyer

Moselle, the game has changed, and you sound only half-way there.

A week ago, you were trying to repair your r/s with your wife, and take care of your kids.

Now if you want access to your kids, you need to be working toward a plan to get the court to order that for you. Time to focus on:

A) What is best for your kids and your r/s with them.

B) Your legal strategy to get as much custody as you can. [And focusing on what is best for your kids will rock this!]

At this point, the best you can do with your wife is not provoke her, so as to protect the kids from anything spilling over.

Agree with grey kitty your children being collateral damage is likely not going to deter your wife but is undoubtedly your prime concern any conflict between you an your partner will affect them if you are calm an reasonable people will see that your partner isnt you have to have the patience and restraint to allow this to happen ( and let your kids see this as an example to ) I am guessing here because i dont know the full story unknown factors always come into play an you have to be rteady for them ( basically try an let your partner make the mistakes an take advantage of them in a sensible way this will probably be best for the kids )

Your partners goals will likely be to destroy you she will probably project that like her you will be easy to provoke an evoke a rash action for which she will be fully prepared to take advantage off

your goal is to love cherish and protect your kids ( not destroy your p ) if you can be seen as the victim here you will gain there sympathy tell them you are trying to work things out with there mum an make every efort to do so despite what is thrown at you ( remember your most important allies are your children if you deliberately hurt thier mum you will hurt them

p.s. i am guessing here but the thrust of what i am saying is clear i hope

As hard as it is to experience it, that is indeed what she would like to do.

Make it as difficult as possible for me. She's about to find out that it will not be so easy to destroy me. And i will be an inconvenient thriver LOL.

Moselle, you're strong and you're resolved to do whatever is in the best interests of your children. That will be plain to see when you get into the court system.   

She has refused me access to the house again. And she forces me to see the children whilst they are at the neighbour's. My L said we cannot allow precedent and for this to become status quo, so I have taken legal measures and when they are served on her by the sherrif, she is going to hit the roof. I really feel for her because this is going to throw her into a serious dysregulation, but she is refusing me access to my house, and I will not jeopardise my custodial rights by sitting still. I have said to her for two days in a row now. "I urge you to reconsider your position"... .she thinks she is very clever about this. It's too late now, the court process begins... .Her move will counter mine and I guess the split becomes ugly.

Heaven help us through this. Heaven help my children. I will be at their side

be careful on letting her know your main objective is the kids make her think it is money or the house which she will understand if she knows it is the kids it will bring them into the line of fire make the kids appear an afterthought if you can possibly even an unfair offer you know she wont acceppt but will cast you in a good light e.g. you have house mon thurs and sat she has house for other four days this is a generous offer an if refused you can say it was more than fair

I just want to echo SlyQQ re the children. I'm sure you know to play anything concerning them close to your chest. What do you feel about getting some kind of access to them sorted this side of the divorce, is she blocking you from seeing them when you want at the moment ?

Sending you many hugs for you and your children Moselle.  x however many you want.

 

What does this mean... ."refused access".  Why not just go in... .do you have copies of the deed showing it is yours?  Again... only do this if lawyer says ok... .but I'm trying to understand what refused means

She has locked it from the inside at the back door. And the front has a yale lock and a security gate. She has the only set of keys for the front door. Poor planning Moselle. Or clever by her. actually clever by her

I suppose I could have a locksmith remove the locks and replace them. This might be better than going the legal route.

Do not make any moves without the approval or your L... .they will think through the angles.  Can you talk to him about this today?

Here in the UK as long as you have proof of residence ( which I'm sure you have plenty of in the house ) you can use a locksmith to change the locks, ' having lost your key.'

I did this during an acrimonious split. I hadn't moved out but came home from work expartner had changed the locks!

Called a locksmith and regained entry to my own home, ex contacted police who attended later and advised seeking legal advice but did not get involved as house was jointly owned.

I'm nervous of the restraining order against me, before I get one against her. Unfortunately I'm realising that the courts favour a mother against a father. It's just reality. If I change the locks it may be what she's waiting for.

I don't want to lose my cool. Then she wins

I did not know you had an RO... .what does lawyer say about it?

I'm rethinking my strategy here. I'd love some feedback.

If i file this restraining order, it puts us at immediate loggerheads which means time, money, energy, pain for all concerned.

I actually precipitated this moment by saying to her that 2015 is different. I'm not willing to have more destruction.  I asked her to choose "with me" or "to leave". She's made her choice. Living at home with her through all this would be painful at best and downright destructive at worst.

Am I not staring a gift horse in the face, and trying to fight with it?

I'm a better father away from her. I'm a better business man away from her.

Let me just negotiate carefully the most advantageous terms possible, take it from there and focus on my children and my career.

2015 may be my emergent year. Emerging from the shadow of BPD.

I'm in fighting mode, but I'm questioning the wisdom of it.

Question the wisdom of tactics... .don't question the wisdom of "fighting mode".  What do you think will happen if you are a pacifist.

What is your lawyers take on her RO?

When I went through a divorce years ago, I was afraid for my safety at times. That said, I asked my attorney to file a restraining order. He disagreed with me and told me that it would really add fuel to the fire. For me, I think that was a wise choice. The divorce got unbelievably ugly and my BPD exH started to get unhinged, but fortunately my fears for my safety were just fears and nothing bad happened. It's definitely a gamble if there's a possibility of violence, but I do believe a restraining order can make the divorce much more volatile.

Moselle, I don't think your fighting mood/mode is going to serve you well quite yet, however I do believe that your resolve to have a different 2015 will serve you VERY well.

Q1: Before your strategy, what is your goal?

Is it to end your marriage, and get as much custody as you can for your kids? Or are you not certain of that yet? If so, post on the legal board instead of here.

If you aren't sure of your goal, post on the undecided board.

Next, if your goal involves divorce,  don't come out swinging--talk to a lawyer, form a strategy, and act on it. (And post more on the legal board than the staying board!) A good legal strategy may well involve retreats as well as attacks, and for very good reasons.

Questions like how hard you should fight to stay in the house depend on your goal and your strategy... .it would be hard to give good advice until that is clear.


OTOH, your wife is saying divorce/end it right now. But she has BPD. She can turn on a dime, and does frequently. Perhaps she will stick with this, but perhaps not. Make your decision based on what you want for yourself and your children, and based on your wife's behavior. Don't pay as much attention to what she says.

Thanks GK,

I'm grappling with this.  I think divorce is inevitable. There's 10% hope in me that we can somehow make an amicable split, change and remarry later. Not sure how realistic that is.