I didn't cave in today

[Moselle]

I'm continuing this thread firstly because I have received such great support during this trying time (thanks so much to all of you!) and secondly because this message is so important to all of us. ":)on't cave in to the abuse". Most of the power pwBPD extract from relationships is based around co-ercing,  forcing the other partner to bend/adapt to their will. The message is ":)ON'T"

Today is apparently the day my W is divorcing me. She has told the children. She has told her family and friends and she has told me.  No-one really knows if she will, except her. I'm going home from work early to be there if she tries to take the kids after school and leave, like she has threatened.

I'm prepared. If she files I join the divorce board and give her the fight of her life. I'm going for full custody.

If she stays,  she will be required to respect my boundaries.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

At least you have your line in the sand. Let us know how it unravels. It is hard, but this sounds like a turning point one way or another

[formflier]

 

Sounds to me like the biggest thing for today... .is what your legal advice... .options are if she tries to take kids and leave.

That would be a high stress situation... .very important to not make any moves there... .that would hurt your chances for full custody.

Make sure the lawyer you are using has experience in high conflict divorces...

Do you know exactly what she has told kids?

Doesn't really matter what she tells her family... .it's the kids that I... .and you... .are worried about.

[Harri]

Hi Moselle.  I have been following your story though I have not posted.  I realize that makes me sound like a bit of a stalker, but (!) as a member of Team Moselle I am always concerned about you.  I don't have much to say about your situation other than to encourage you to take care of yourself.  I say that for you but also because I know your girls will benefit the best with a healthy father like you in their corner.  As a matter of fact, I think the work you have done and the behavior you have demonstrated thus far in terms of taking care of yourself and them has planted the seeds for understanding and awareness at the very least.  Don't underestimate the power of that my friend.   

[Cat Familiar]

Moselle, You're a wonderful example of staying strong amidst unimaginable distress. Wishing you the best. 

[Moselle]

She filed. I'm a bit shocked. But it could not continue that way any more.

It's a bit surreal. I'm sad and angry.

[formflier]

She filed. I'm a bit shocked. But it could not continue that way any more.

It's a bit surreal. I'm sad and angry.

Interesting... .let us know what your next move is.

 

hang in there... .make her own this.  Do not let her "blame" you for this... .or better said... .don't "accept" blame.

Mommy choose to leave... .daddy wants to stay a family.  She gets to deal with it.

[Moselle]

Now she's starting with the anger and vitriol.

Lawyer said "stay in the home", don't confront. Keep it tidy.

So I will

[formflier]

Now she's starting with the anger and vitriol.

Lawyer said "stay in the home", don't confront. Keep it tidy.

So I will

Keep recorder going... .

Have you started a thread on the divorce board.  I recommend keeping one over here as well.

You will have a r/s with her... .so... whatever you can do the lesson the confrontation... .the better. 

What has lawyer said about doing psych evals to handle emergency custody... .I would hit that hard... .and quick.  Obviously with his guidance.

I have several buddies that have gone through this. 

The mindset is... .that you don't have to "prove" them crazy... .all you have to do is consistently shine the light... .they will take care of the rest.

Thoughts?

[Moselle]

Thanks form.

Will have the conversation with he lawyer.

[formflier]

 

Hang in there... .this could be another ploy... another attempt (misguided) to get you to fight or go back to the way it was.

I don't think either way it really is... .changes your strategy... .but it's not over... until the judge makes it final.

Even then... .it's still not really over... .just a different fight.

  Hang tough... .!

In aviation lingo... .it's a dark night... .the deck is pitching... .and you have one engine out... .no divert. 

You can do this... .however this comes out... .you will be a better man.  I've watched your story develop... .watched you grow some steel b@ll$... .unfortunately you will most likely need them... .just know that they are there.

[Cat Familiar]

Moselle, one advantage you'll have if you go to court is that it will become obvious to the judge that you are thinking about the welfare of your children and the best interests of your family. People who work in the family court system have seen it all and are pretty attuned to who is the healthiest individual. Get plenty of rest and be kind to yourself.   

[Moselle]

Hang in there... .this could be another ploy... another attempt (misguided) to get you to fight or go back to the way it was.

I don't think either way it really is... .changes your strategy... .but it's not over... until the judge makes it final.

Even then... .it's still not really over... .just a different fight.

  Hang tough... .!

In aviation lingo... .it's a dark night... .the deck is pitching... .and you have one engine out... .no divert.  

You can do this... .however this comes out... .you will be a better man.  I've watched your story develop... .watched you grow some steel b@ll$... .unfortunately you will most likely need them... .just know that they are there.

Thanks formflier. That means such alot.

having a crappy night. But yes, my standing up to her S@#t has these consequences.  These balls have taken 12... of BPD family to grow

No her family is behind this. They've convinced her there's.nothing wrong with her and it's all me

[formflier]

No her family is behind this. They've convinced her there's.nothing wrong with her and it's all me

How sure are you?  It's  a slam dunk that you get psych evals for you and her... .whatever they are called... .even to determine initial custody.  You could extend that... you may be able to extend that... .for those that will have overnight visits with your kids... .(can't be too careful these days)

Certainly at least something to chat with L about.  Wait until she bumps into the court boundaries... .and they don't budge... .and you push back.  That will be interesting... .

[Moselle]

No her family is behind this. They've convinced her there's.nothing wrong with her and it's all me

How sure are you?  It's  a slam dunk that you get psych evals for you and her... .whatever they are called... .even to determine initial custody.  You could extend that... you may be able to extend that... .for those that will have overnight visits with your kids... .(can't be too careful these days)

Certainly at least something to chat with L about.  Wait until she bumps into the court boundaries... .and they don't budge... .and you push back.  That will be interesting... .

Spoke to L about it. He said I can't force an independent evaluation of her. I can do so for the childen , and get to her that way.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds tough all around for you.

One thought for you... .as far as the divorce is going... .she may decide to back down, perhaps at the last minute--but she may not. You can't afford to play like she will back down.

Definitely get legal advice. Post on the legal board here... .also talk to a lawyer, perhaps multiple lawyers, especially if your lawyer isn't familiar with high conflict divorces/custody battles.

If you aren't running at least a voice recorder at all times, start asap.

She deleted evidence of bad behavior on her part... .but that doesn't mean she won't do it again.

Make sure you computer and phone are secure from her; change passwords, etc. Difficult when she's living in the same house with you. Do you think she found information about your account here?

[Mutt]

Hi Moselle,

I'm sorry if I don't know your back story. She may or may not back-off.

The anger and vitriol is a tell. She's triggered. I've been through something similar. If she's telling her family and friends there may be a distortion campaign.

Your L gave you VERY good advice. DO NOT confront. Voice recorder is a very good idea.

You may be feeling a lot of mixed emotions and perhaps high tension. I'm sorry  

I understand you feel like giving her the fight of your life. I was seeing red and it doesn't help with a pwBPD in court. Don't lose your head.

It sounds like you have a good L. Do you have a T? How are you feeling?

We're here for you.

[waverider]

Keep reminding yourself your reasons are sound and based in reality. That her actions are provocative and that you must not be reactive.

Its not about today or tommorrow, it's about longer than that.

[Mutt]

Spot on.

Stay centered.

As scary as this may be - it's acting out.

Think longview.

[SlyQQ]

I think in these situations clear thinking is very important The reality with her family is one way or another your wife has convinced them she is fine an you are the problem not so much vice versa this may seem trivial but it is important to discern if you are to adress the sources of the problem

[SlyQQ]

Also mosselle it looks like this is degenerating into a war footing with this in mind it is worth pointing out the main strength and scariest part of fighting almost anyone with BPD who though mostly incompetent have one overwhelming strength

They take no prisoners they will use your friends

children family to achieve there goals without

regard for consequences it is a battle which

you will lose from ( even if you are the victor )

unless you can acomplish a result with quick

efficency

[Moselle]

SlyQQ,

Thanks for your note.

It might be degenerating into a war, but I will fight a war for the mental health of my children.

At the moment she is trying to evict me from the home. She won't let me in.

That's OK, today I file court applications for access.

I can't think of any more powerful motivation for this fight, than for the lives of my children. She's about about to find out how much of an immovable rock I am for them. She will learn that she cannot win any fight with the courts, or with lawyers. I just won't go away. The only precedent she will see is that I don't quit. If she wins a battle, it'll be refiled in a different way. But I will win the war.

[SlyQQ]

sun tzu the art of war is worth looking at strategy at this stage is very important know your opponent ! patience and temperence are there weaknesses

[Moselle]

sun tzu the art of war is worth looking at strategy at this stage is very important

know your opponent ! patience and temperence are there weaknesses

That's very insightful.  How do you exploit those weaknesses?

PATIENCE Force them to wait on you? Drag it out?

TEMPERANCE Provoke them?

[formflier]

PATIENCE Force them to wait on you? Drag it out?

TEMPERANCE Provoke them?

You... .as a strong non... have the ability to remain centered... and not be triggered.  Or... .to realize a trigger and get out and calm down.

pwBPD don't react well to stress... .enforcing your rights... your legal options will crank up the stress... .the crazyness that she does will work in your favor if you can document it... .and as long as you don't fall prey to it.

You must be strong... .take the long view.

[Grey Kitty]

I can't think of any more powerful motivation for this fight, than for the lives of my children. She's about about to find out how much of an immovable rock I am for them. She will learn that she cannot win any fight with the courts, or with lawyers. I just won't go away. The only precedent she will see is that I don't quit. If she wins a battle, it'll be refiled in a different way. But I will win the war.

That resolve will carry you a long ways. 

Please recognize it for what it is: A legal GOAL, not a legal STRATEGY.

You need to work with your L on a strategy. (And spend lots of time reading on the legal board and asking questions there! Good to see you've already posted there.)

Then everything you do regarding your wife should be set up to further your strategy.

To get your goals, you need to fight both hard and smart.

Good luck!

[Moselle]

Thanks GK, ff.

All the lessons seem as applicable now as ever before.

I had a surreal experience at the lawyer's today. As I described my story, I realise that I played my role in a delusional world for 15 whole years. It feels like I have stepped out of a time warp. I should be shattered but I feel energised and excited for a new life.

I am sleeping outside my house in my SUV and I should feel down, but I feel free.

I had the bizarre experience of being invited by our neighbours to dinner with the kids there and W serving me food. The anger was absolutely pulverising.

This came about when I arrived home to no car no kids no anybody. I smsed W to let her know that she was restricting access to my children Again.  That's when the neighbour phoned to ask.me over. It was tense at first but settled down.

I left urging her to reconsider giving me the keys to the home. Surprise surprise "No". OK, it's going tactical now.

[formflier]

 

Why do you need keys to home? It's your home... correct?

Obviously... .check with your lawyer on strategy... .but your sleeping in driveway... .shows your commitment.

If your lawyer approves... .I would think getting a locksmith and gaining entry... providing her a key as well... is a good step.

Only if approved by lawyer

[Grey Kitty]

Thanks GK, ff.

All the lessons seem as applicable now as ever before.

I had a surreal experience at the lawyer's today. As I described my story, I realise that I played my role in a delusional world for 15 whole years. It feels like I have stepped out of a time warp. I should be shattered but I feel energised and excited for a new life.

I am sleeping outside my house in my SUV and I should feel down, but I feel free.

I had the bizarre experience of being invited by our neighbours to dinner with the kids there and W serving me food. The anger was absolutely pulverising.

This came about when I arrived home to no car no kids no anybody. I smsed W to let her know that she was restricting access to my children Again.  That's when the neighbour phoned to ask.me over. It was tense at first but settled down.

I left urging her to reconsider giving me the keys to the home. Surprise surprise "No". OK, it's going tactical now.

Moselle, the game has changed, and you sound only half-way there.

A week ago, you were trying to repair your r/s with your wife, and take care of your kids.

Now if you want access to your kids, you need to be working toward a plan to get the court to order that for you. Time to focus on:

A) What is best for your kids and your r/s with them.

B) Your legal strategy to get as much custody as you can. [And focusing on what is best for your kids will rock this!]

At this point, the best you can do with your wife is not provoke her, so as to protect the kids from anything spilling over.

[SlyQQ]

Agree with grey kitty your children being collateral damage is likely not going to deter your wife but is undoubtedly your prime concern any conflict between you an your partner will affect them if you are calm an reasonable people will see that your partner isnt you have to have the patience and restraint to allow this to happen ( and let your kids see this as an example to ) I am guessing here because i dont know the full story unknown factors always come into play an you have to be rteady for them ( basically try an let your partner make the mistakes an take advantage of them in a sensible way this will probably be best for the kids )