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Title: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: joshbjoshb on February 18, 2015, 08:34:20 PM Hi
I am curious to know what other nice people on this forum are thinking about the subject. Part of my wife's BPD is constant negativity, a lot of criticism, and everything is to the extreme. So she told me in the past few weeks - and numerous times! - how bad I am, how she regrets marrying me, how deep garbage I am, etc. Then, all of a sudden, her mood swings to the other direction. She is acting very affectionate, although she is doing it in a very childish way - she tickles me next to the children and acting a bit childish, but I know a lot of it is her trying to be attractive to me. Now, she looks great, and all, but you know - intimacy is much more than looks and physical acts. I am really not in the mood. Really not. And I am young and very interested in it... .except not after I am being told I am the worst thing that ever happened to her. On the other hand, this is her BPD. One day I am the best, the other the worst. I just can't bring myself to feel loved or to even be attracted. I guess I distanced myself so I won't get hurt. Do you feel similar feelings to mine? What do you do? How do you handle them? Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Jeansok on February 18, 2015, 08:57:31 PM you are definitely not alone in this, my husband is believed to be BPD and I have felt the exact same way! It's hard to want to be close and intimate to somebody who's always putting you down. I just distance myself and then whenever he's being kind and caring I kind of just live in the reality that is at the moment, which sets myself up for huge disappointments later as far as emotionally... .
right now, my husband is in one of those distant moods himself and just waiting for him to snap it. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Turkish on February 19, 2015, 12:19:44 AM I didn't handle this well, josh. I agree with your feelings, despite the gender stereotype. I often would feel used, as it was like she was using me to relieve her anger. I think a lot of guys can deal with this. I found it very difficult. Have you thought about consulting a T about this? I found a little professional validation helped me.
Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: enlighten me on February 19, 2015, 02:16:23 AM I can sympathise completely. They may be able to switch their mood at the drop of a hat but I cant. When youve been criticised and berated it doesnt put you in the mood.
One thing my ex wife used to go on about is an incident of this when we were going out. We had bought a house together and it needed a lot of work. I spent all my spare time working on it and being criticised for it not being done yet. The constant moaning about living in a tip pushed me to basqueharder and devote more time to it. One day i had been stripping wall paper and skimming walls. She came in and went into one about the mess. I was knackered and fed up. I decided to stop work and tidy up. She then walked in in stockings, suspenders and a basqe expecting me to make love to her. I stopped my sweeping up and just stared at her. This obviously not being the reaction she expected made her fly into a rage and storm off. I just couldnt get my head around how she could come in ranting and raging at me then expect me to make love to her. I understand now that I was dealing with BPD behaviour. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on February 19, 2015, 07:26:03 AM Do you feel similar feelings to mine? What do you do? How do you handle them? This is where "putting on your armor" is important. When I get hurt... .it takes me time to get over it. Especially when compared to my wife's mood swings. Just like you described... .critical... and then swing over to "let's get it on... " The concept of "not taking it personally"... .was an incredibly important thing for me to learn. I'm still working on it. When I can deflect the criticism... .vice take a direct hit... .my life seems to go much smoother... .and my r/s. So... let me flip this question around some. How have you guys learned to "armor up" better? Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Crumbling on February 19, 2015, 09:17:01 AM I have had to make it clear to my BPDh that I have the right to say no to sex if I am feeling wounded by his actions/words and that I don't blame him, but that I deserve space to heal from it. And for him to not grant me that, is simply not acceptable. He now knows I will leave to protect myself. It's been a bit of an experiment, and something I've only begun about three months ago, but things have been changing for us, and for me.
One thing I'm learning to accept is that the core of this issue is that the pwBPD is using sex to help him/her feel reassured that you will not abandon them for the recent 'bad behaviour'. There is no connection for them to what you are feeling at the time, because of the BPD. They are wrapped in their own sense of reality, and doing what they can to cope with the emotions. And for you, that's good, because that means you have done nothing wrong in the situation. So don't go blaming yourself. Okay? I've been working on simply helping my BPDh see my side of the coin. I've been focused on being clear and honest about where I am in my own head, and sharing with him only when he is obviously in a regulated way. I had a response from him the other night, after I tiraded for a while about the situation, that was reassuring. I had said that I was afraid I was being a nag over this issue, and he said 'no, not at all, I'm as thick as a 4x8. Keep talking, I will get it eventually. I want to get it.' He gained Bonus Points with that one, you want to know it! *) You know your lady best Josh. May be there's a way for the two of you to bring this out into an open discussion without dysregulating her. Would that be possible for you? You can't fix something without examining it, right? Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Verbena on February 19, 2015, 09:38:56 AM I can relate to this thread. For years, the only time my H would drop the nasty, miserable, negative attitude was when he felt there might be sex later. I guess I was okay with that for a long time. The physical part of our relationship was the best part, and I just put up with the 180-degree switcharoo.
At some point, though, I got sick of it. I felt used. I was so turned off by his everyday complaining and and negativity that I couldn't separate in my head the "nice" him with the "real" him. And that is when my physical attraction for him slowly began to die. We have slept in different rooms for five years and there is zero physical contact between us. I tried to explain all this to him, but he had nothing to say. He will not discuss it, period. That is just how stubborn he is. He will not accept that I see him (and lots of other people do too) as a miserable person to be around. He will not be accountable for his behavior; he will not be at fault. So our sexless marriage continues. I think this makes him even more of an angry person than he normally is, but he would never recognize that the way I feel is a product of his behavior. He can't/won't make that connection. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on February 19, 2015, 09:45:12 AM He will not accept that I see him (and lots of other people do too) as a miserable person to be around. Why do you think this is hard for him to accept? Is there a different way to try to express this to him that might be easier for him to accept? Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Verbena on February 19, 2015, 10:32:56 AM He will not accept that I see him (and lots of other people do too) as a miserable person to be around. Why do you think this is hard for him to accept? Is there a different way to try to express this to him that might be easier for him to accept? That is a good question. I just know that he can never be wrong, never apologize (to me), and is stubborn beyond belief. If anyone has any ideas on another way to express this to him, I am all ears. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: maxsterling on February 19, 2015, 10:40:32 AM EXACTLY my issue right now. She can be mean, nasty, negative, say horrible things to me. Then the next day, or even a few hours want sex, and I am just so turned off by the thought. She will even go so far as to start fondling me, and I feel violated.
This is a huge source of emotional confusion for me right now. On one hand, I feel like I need to get over it. On the other hand, I feel like my body is telling me something here. I mean heck, I want sex, I do have a sex drive, and normally I would want this behavior. So confusing... . Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: maxsterling on February 19, 2015, 10:49:52 AM BTW, I want to add that "not taking it personally" seems to only go so far. Right now, I am facing a "physically not being able to" problem, that I think is related to this stress. It's not just that I feel bad about the negative atmosphere, but now the parts aren't even working well.
Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Crumbling on February 19, 2015, 11:22:12 AM "The body speaks what the heart cannot."
Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: enlighten me on February 19, 2015, 11:43:34 AM BTW, I want to add that "not taking it personally" seems to only go so far. Right now, I am facing a "physically not being able to" problem, that I think is related to this stress. It's not just that I feel bad about the negative atmosphere, but now the parts aren't even working well. Been there aswell Max. Looks and a willing body only go so far where attraction is concerned. I kind of see this as healthy now even though at the time I thought there was something wrong with me. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: maxsterling on February 19, 2015, 11:47:10 AM BTW, I want to add that "not taking it personally" seems to only go so far. Right now, I am facing a "physically not being able to" problem, that I think is related to this stress. It's not just that I feel bad about the negative atmosphere, but now the parts aren't even working well. Been there aswell Max. Looks and a willing body only go so far where attraction is concerned. I kind of see this as healthy now even though at the time I thought there was something wrong with me. And it's not that I don't find her attractive or sexy. It's just that after a period of negativity, my body simply isn't in the mood for sex. Yet, if I say "no" she feels hurt like I am not attracted to her. Explaining what is going on at that moment is a JADE, and then it's just a tricky mess. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: MaroonLiquid on February 19, 2015, 12:05:21 PM And it's not that I don't find her attractive or sexy. It's just that after a period of negativity, my body simply isn't in the mood for sex. Yet, if I say "no" she feels hurt like I am not attracted to her. Explaining what is going on at that moment is a JADE, and then it's just a tricky mess. i know exactly what you are talking about max... .I'm going through the same thing. This only started the last month or so. The issues between us have taken a toll and why I'm taking a step back... . "The body speaks what the heart cannot." Yep... .So true, especially in this case... . Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Turkish on February 19, 2015, 12:07:25 PM BTW, I want to add that "not taking it personally" seems to only go so far. Right now, I am facing a "physically not being able to" problem, that I think is related to this stress. It's not just that I feel bad about the negative atmosphere, but now the parts aren't even working well. Been there aswell Max. Looks and a willing body only go so far where attraction is concerned. I kind of see this as healthy now even though at the time I thought there was something wrong with me. And it's not that I don't find her attractive or sexy. It's just that after a period of negativity, my body simply isn't in the mood for sex. Yet, if I say "no" she feels hurt like I am not attracted to her. Explaining what is going on at that moment is a JADE, and then it's just a tricky mess. Max, I'm sorry that you are going through this. She broke up with me once because of this. Then I recycled, and was sent to sex therapy. I got validation from the two female doctors, and never had the problem ever again. Not once. The partners not having the "problem" (males and females) were supposed to support their SOs. The doctor made this point clear. Mine abandoned me, because she hated being there. Even stating in front of the group, "yeah, his smoking, I knew it!" After she started dysregulating more after D1 and also an external trigger in her FOO, I started just detaching. Not to say that we didn't do it at least a few times a week, but it wasn't enough for her. She retreated into what she knew worked: sex=love. She actually hit me once out of frustration because I didn't want to be with her one night. So I complied. It was good (she never lied to me about that)... .for her. josh: have you seen this article? I'm not saying that our specific pwBPD are sex addicts (since sex is an important part of an intimate r/s), but maybe you can get some useful information from here: Article 14: Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a114.htm) Unlike the healthy person seeking partnership and sex as a complement to their life, the Love and Sex Addict searches for something outside of themselves (a person, relationship or experience) which will provide them with the emotional and life stability that they themselves lack. Similar to a drug addict or alcoholic, love and sex addicts use their arousing romantic/sexual experiences in an attempt to "fix" themselves and remain emotionally stable. When love and sexuality are used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow and share, partner choice becomes skewed. Compatibility becomes based on "whether or not you will leave me", "how intense our sex life is" or "how I can hook you into staying", rather than on whether you might truly become a peer, friend and companion I think accepting that your wife needs this to cope with her emotional dysgregulation and probably feelings of emptiness and lack of self-worth, how can you come to an emotional compromise within yourself which would be satisfactory? I'll mention it again: once I got validation from a professional, my issue went away, at least physically. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on February 19, 2015, 12:58:23 PM I'll mention it again: once I got validation from a professional, my issue went away, at least physically. Did the Doc say this to your wife... .or say it to you in front of your wife? Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Turkish on February 19, 2015, 01:07:31 PM I'll mention it again: once I got validation from a professional, my issue went away, at least physically. Did the Doc say this to your wife... .or say it to you in front of your wife? No. It was a males only session. I never went back after that. It took another month ago for fear, yes fear, to abate. After that, no problems for almost 5 years. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Notwendy on February 19, 2015, 01:14:50 PM I think this is a common issue that affects both men and women. However, I think it is a bit different. I think for everyone, sex is validating, however most of us can accept that in a long term relationship, two people are not going to be in the mood at the same time all of the time. I think we can hope that it is much of the time, but we have to accept that our partners are human.
What adds to a poor sense of self is that when a man isn't in the mood, it is obvious. A woman can hide it better. This was one thing my H has talked about, how it is "easier" for me to go along with it than for him--- with the ( what is logical to him but not really) implication that I should not say no to him since I can do it anyway. Saying no would result in him raging. He felt as if he could say no to me, and if I tried to initiate, he would accuse me of "ordering him to perform". Add ED to this and it can be an emotional mess. Add menopause to this- where many women need extra affection and time to build desire, and so this emotional bagage makes it even tougher for me to have much desire. The raging and critism me had an effect long before hormonal changes. Add to this just going along with it to keep him from raging - which is also desrtructive but it at least kept the peace. I don't know. It's tough. My H says he'd love it if I showed up in something sexy, but it feels as if I was humiliated when I did that too. I'd say to guys- whose wives probably have some toxic shame and low self esteem- if your wife shows up dressed up in something sexy- she's feeling pretty fragile and vulnerable at that time too. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on February 19, 2015, 01:17:27 PM I am sorry you are going through this. I also want to say thank you for sharing your story. It's good to shed light on the other side of the coin... .where men feel like they are being used sexually. So often, society forgets about the pressures men endure.
It seems sex and BPD will have some issues together for a lot of us. In my case, my H convinced himself because of his age (49 now, started at 46) he will just up and have some ED issues. We are still working on getting comfortable together again and getting his confidence back up. There have been times where he wants to initiate something when he's drunk, and that's a turn off for me. I don't feel like he means it. He gets 'grabby' and demands my attention, instead of just being... .sweet about it. When he is in this state... .he's not going to be able to finish the entire act. To whit, most of the time it's late at night... .I need to work in the am, he's already kept me up too long and I'm tired. I don't have a good answer. Atm, my method of choice to pretend to be falling asleep. Saying no... .or no thank you... .isn't going to go well. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on February 19, 2015, 01:20:01 PM I think this is a common issue that affects both men and women. However, I think it is a bit different. I think for everyone, sex is validating, however most of us can accept that in a long term relationship, two people are not going to be in the mood at the same time all of the time. I think we can hope that it is much of the time, but we have to accept that our partners are human. What adds to a poor sense of self is that when a man isn't in the mood, it is obvious. A woman can hide it better. This was one thing my H has talked about, how it is "easier" for me to go along with it than for him--- with the ( what is logical to him but not really) implication that I should not say no to him since I can do it anyway. Saying no would result in him raging. He felt as if he could say no to me, and if I tried to initiate, he would accuse me of "ordering him to perform". Add ED to this and it can be an emotional mess. Add menopause to this- where many women need extra affection and time to build desire, and so this emotional bagage makes it even tougher for me to have much desire. The raging and critism me had an effect long before hormonal changes. Add to this just going along with it to keep him from raging - which is also desrtructive but it at least kept the peace. I don't know. It's tough. My H says he'd love it if I showed up in something sexy, but it feels as if I was humiliated when I did that too. I'd say to guys- whose wives probably have some toxic shame and low self esteem- if your wife shows up dressed up in something sexy- she's feeling pretty fragile and vulnerable at that time too. Notwendy when discussing the ED with my H, his go-to argument is "you don't know what it's like for me. your body is ready for sex anytime... .and mine isnt" That's true... .in the physical sense. But mental... .well that's going to be the same for male or female. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Notwendy on February 19, 2015, 01:20:23 PM It is good to hear the man's side of the story.
I also know it happens with men married to women with BPD because my mother- who had no boundaries- would announce it all over the house. Not something teens want to hear about their parents. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Notwendy on February 19, 2015, 01:22:54 PM Ethyl, I hear you. My H says the same thing to me. I can just do it.
Sad that he didn't figure out that my emotions had something to do with it too. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on February 19, 2015, 01:28:40 PM It is good to hear the man's side of the story. I also know it happens with men married to women with BPD because my mother- who had no boundaries- would announce it all over the house. Not something teens want to hear about their parents. Holy cow! My mother used to do that. She definitely had some PD issues, but I don't think she was BPD. She told me about a medical issue she was having from her... .escapades, which was bad enough. But, she has come to visit me at my home and we went to the corner store near my house that I went to almost daily and told the store owner about it as well. I wanted to die. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Notwendy on February 19, 2015, 01:36:55 PM Yuk! As a parent now, I can not imagine saying anything like that to my kids, or even discussing my relationship issues with them.
Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: empath on February 19, 2015, 01:49:36 PM Notwendy when discussing the ED with my H, his go-to argument is "you don't know what it's like for me. your body is ready for sex anytime... .and mine isnt" That's true... .in the physical sense. But mental... .well that's going to be the same for male or female. I don't buy that argument even in the 'physical sense'; there is so much to women's readiness for sex. I think it is one of those ways of invalidating our sexuality. Anyway, recently I had to call a halt to sex. This is totally unlike me, but there was an incident where he stepped over the line and I no longer feel like I can trust him. Over the past several years, I have had to deal with his blame around my sexuality (nothing out of the ordinary, just a woman who wants a good sex life) and around his lack of response (which is also my problem in his mind). Gosh, it's hard to be excited when a partner cannot even look at you and sighs and rolls their eyes constantly. When he tried to start something after the incident, I couldn't respond. Eventually, he decided to get up and was angry, but he was really trying not to talk about it. I asked what the problem was, but he wasn't going to tell me. Later that day, I talked to him about how I was feeling with lots of emotional language (safety, trust) describing my experience. Now, he is 'worried' about our relationship -- probably a good thing. I think that we have to respect ourselves and our bodies that tell us when something is wrong, and we need to stick up for ourselves. I've also found that talking about it outside of the immediate context tends to help with the emotional component. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Hmcbart on February 19, 2015, 02:58:54 PM I feel for you and what your going through. I just have trouble feeling too bad. I have the exact opposite end of the spectrum. My wife low labido, and no sex drive at all. Like once a year sex drive. She hated our MC after he suggested we have sex 2 times a month, and she was the one who chose him. According to her, it's perfectly normal for most ladies to not want to have sex.
So I do feel for what your going through, but I wouldn't mind having to deal with that end of the spectrum for a while. I'm sure it's just as bad but the self esteem hits we can take where you down after a while. I explained to her that I have better odds of meeting a perfect stranger and being able to have sex with her than I do my own wife. Granted this was before I started learning about BPD. I understand that what I said then didn't help matters, but after so many years, I'm still dealing with the pain of rejection and neglect. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: reluctanthusband on February 19, 2015, 03:31:49 PM For us it's always a timing issue. I'm a morning guy she's a night owl. By the end of the day I'm totally exhausted. She then takes it as a slight "I don't want her" and then gets upset for days. The mind is willing the body is weak. Constant struggle because she is always playing it up towards the end of the day making me think that something good is going to happen when I get home from work just to find out that she has filled up our time with all sorts of stuff and then fusses when by the time we have time I'm beat.
Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Cat Familiar on February 19, 2015, 03:40:42 PM Yep, another sexless marriage here. I got so turned off by my husband's use of alcohol that I just started setting limits: "I go to bed at 10:30--if you want to stay up--sleep elsewhere." Also I was really grossed out by having sex with him when he was drunk--total turnoff. So now, he's got his alcohol as his mistress and I sleep alone most nights.
And yes, it's unbelievable how they can go from grumpy/raging/a$$hole behavior and then flip a switch and want sex. It doesn't work that way for me. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Verbena on February 19, 2015, 06:46:20 PM And yes, it's unbelievable how they can go from grumpy/raging/a$$hole behavior and then flip a switch and want sex. It doesn't work that way for me.
I could not possibly agree more. I asked my husband what he thought people we know (friends, people at our church) would think if he knew that we did not actually live as husband and wife, that we slept in seperate rooms. His response was, "It is what it is" and then he walked away. I told him a few months ago that he could start sleeping in our bed again if he wanted to. His response? Nothing. He ignored me. To be honest, I am relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with him because he snores, gets up to pee every hour on the hour, and gets FURIOUS if I make even the slightest noise when I come to bed. On the other hand, I couldn't tell you how many times I was very careful not to even move and disturb him when I came to bed thinking he was alseep only to have him startle me a few minutes later when he would angrily throw back the covers, get out of bed, and leave the room, slamming the door behind him. My H is angry when he's awake and even when he is asleep. A few months ago, he screamed profanities in his sleep. He denied that this happened. I guess he thinks I made it up. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Olinda on February 20, 2015, 06:19:18 PM I just want to agree with a previous poster that women are definitely not, I repeat, not always ready to have sex. This is the biggest misconception out there, I think. Women's bodies are delicate and complicated but just because we have a hole where an erect penis can fit does not mean we are ready. Sorry if that is too blunt for you.
This misconception pisses me off. I am female with a female partner and I can tell you that things work much smoother and are fantastically better when we are both mentally, emotionally and physically ready for sharing our bodies with each other. And I want to agree with the original poster that when I don't feel loved and appreciated and have been the target of dysregulation, I am definitely not in the mood, and it may take a while of insight, awareness and even apologies before I can get in the mood again. You are not alone. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: 123Phoebe on February 20, 2015, 07:45:55 PM And yes, it's unbelievable how they can go from grumpy/raging/a$$hole behavior and then flip a switch and want sex. It doesn't work that way for me. I could not possibly agree more. I asked my husband what he thought people we know (friends, people at our church) would think if he knew that we did not actually live as husband and wife, that we slept in seperate rooms. His response was, "It is what it is" and then he walked away. I told him a few months ago that he could start sleeping in our bed again if he wanted to. His response? Nothing. He ignored me. To be honest, I am relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with him because he snores, gets up to pee every hour on the hour, and gets FURIOUS if I make even the slightest noise when I come to bed. On the other hand, I couldn't tell you how many times I was very careful not to even move and disturb him when I came to bed thinking he was alseep only to have him startle me a few minutes later when he would angrily throw back the covers, get out of bed, and leave the room, slamming the door behind him. My H is angry when he's awake and even when he is asleep. A few months ago, he screamed profanities in his sleep. He denied that this happened. I guess he thinks I made it up. Verbena, your post really stood out to me, I think because of its contradictory nature. If you're honestly relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with your H, then why tell him he could start sleeping in it again, when doing so really does understandably bother you (and him)? I'm wondering why you sound put-off by his non-response? The question you asked him about the friends and people at church, what he thought they would think about you sleeping in separate rooms... . I like your H's answer, actually. It is what it is. Would it bother you if they knew of your sleeping arrangements? I know a lot of couples who choose to sleep in separate beds; they value sleep! It's really not THAT big of deal, unless we choose to make it one. Might it be better to come together on this, addressing the pros of such an arrangement for the two of you? Maybe once the pressure is off about the bedroom being the sacred place for defining living together as husband and wife, other opportunities will present themselves... . I mean, sex could be anywhere, ya know? Even in your newly decorated ultra-fem bedroom :) What do you think? Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on February 20, 2015, 08:25:21 PM I like the thought 123 Phoebe. You could even create a "sex room"... . Meet you in the room in 15 minutes... .could be a new phrase around the house! Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Cat Familiar on February 21, 2015, 08:28:30 AM I'm in a similar situation to Verbena in that my H and I typically sleep in different rooms. And like Verbena's husband, my husband will often disrupt my sleep with his snoring.
On the nights he does sleep with me, the queen size bed feels way too small. He is a tall guy and between him and a cat or two, it's kind of cramped. I've mentioned to him that I would like to sleep with him occasionally in his king size bed in his studio, but he seldom cleans his room and the dust problem gives me allergies. I don't know if his lack of cleaning is just due to laziness or if it's a way of claiming personal space, but sometimes I'm a bit hurt by his lack of interest. He is welcome to sleep with me anytime I'm not getting up at an extremely early hour (which happens a few days a week) and I do like going to bed early, whereas he's a night owl. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Notwendy on February 21, 2015, 08:33:59 AM Olinda, I thought your comment was great.
As much as our culture seems to focus on sex for the sake of sex, I think many people want to have an intimate relationship that is both emotionally and physically bonding. In this case, male or female, same sex or heterosexual relationship, feeling that you have to be available all the time just for sex, even if your feelings are hurt, just doesn't feel right. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Verbena on February 21, 2015, 10:36:09 AM And yes, it's unbelievable how they can go from grumpy/raging/a$$hole behavior and then flip a switch and want sex. It doesn't work that way for me. I could not possibly agree more. I asked my husband what he thought people we know (friends, people at our church) would think if he knew that we did not actually live as husband and wife, that we slept in seperate rooms. His response was, "It is what it is" and then he walked away. I told him a few months ago that he could start sleeping in our bed again if he wanted to. His response? Nothing. He ignored me. To be honest, I am relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with him because he snores, gets up to pee every hour on the hour, and gets FURIOUS if I make even the slightest noise when I come to bed. On the other hand, I couldn't tell you how many times I was very careful not to even move and disturb him when I came to bed thinking he was alseep only to have him startle me a few minutes later when he would angrily throw back the covers, get out of bed, and leave the room, slamming the door behind him. My H is angry when he's awake and even when he is asleep. A few months ago, he screamed profanities in his sleep. He denied that this happened. I guess he thinks I made it up. Verbena, your post really stood out to me, I think because of its contradictory nature. If you're honestly relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with your H, then why tell him he could start sleeping in it again, when doing so really does understandably bother you (and him)? I'm wondering why you sound put-off by his non-response? The question you asked him about the friends and people at church, what he thought they would think about you sleeping in separate rooms... . I like your H's answer, actually. It is what it is. Would it bother you if they knew of your sleeping arrangements? I know a lot of couples who choose to sleep in separate beds; they value sleep! It's really not THAT big of deal, unless we choose to make it one. Might it be better to come together on this, addressing the pros of such an arrangement for the two of you? Maybe once the pressure is off about the bedroom being the sacred place for defining living together as husband and wife, other opportunities will present themselves... . I mean, sex could be anywhere, ya know? Even in your newly decorated ultra-fem bedroom :) What do you think? 123Phoebe, I can see where my comments seem contradictory. To clarify, my telling my H that we could start sleeping in the same bed again was said after a discussion about us not having a physical relationship. So in my mind (not sure about his) sleeping in the same bed meant having sex again. I have told him that I have no interest in sex when that is the only time he is not angry and negative and critical. I have told him we need to talk about all of this, but he refuses. I shouldn't be put off by his non-response to anything because it's his typical response to almost anything I say. We wouldn't have to sleep in the same bed to have a physical relationship, I agree. We are both aware that sharing the same bed is a problem with his constant up and down, our fairly new mattress that has caved in the middle (we were forced to sleep together recently when we had company and it was awful), and our different bedtimes. I would be appalled if people at my church (or anywhere else) knew how we lived, and not just the lack of a physical relationship, but at his constant anger at home. This issue bothers me greatly. He forces himself to be pleasant around certain people, but he is completely the opposite with me. And he can switch back and forth so fast it makes my head spin. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: misuniadziubek on February 21, 2015, 04:35:40 PM I just want to agree with a previous poster that women are definitely not, I repeat, not always ready to have sex. This is the biggest misconception out there, I think. Women's bodies are delicate and complicated but just because we have a hole where an erect penis can fit does not mean we are ready. Sorry if that is too blunt for you. This misconception pisses me off. I am female with a female partner and I can tell you that things work much smoother and are fantastically better when we are both mentally, emotionally and physically ready for sharing our bodies with each other. And I want to agree with the original poster that when I don't feel loved and appreciated and have been the target of dysregulation, I am definitely not in the mood, and it may take a while of insight, awareness and even apologies before I can get in the mood again. You are not alone. My uBPDbf was my first sexual partner ever. And for good reason. I'd never gone through with it with any previous potential partners because they rarely were able to get me emotionally and physically prepared for it. They were more focused on the act and pressuring me than making me feel comfortable. Saying that, in the beginning there was a lot of situations where his needs seemed a lot higher than mine, but it balanced out very quickly and he has been an amazing sexual partner in every way. He is generally the one who can't go through with it if he's not feeling emotionally secure, but in a three day period we will usually have sex at least two to three times and it feels wonderful. Then one weekend, we didn't have sex at all. It left me feeling extremely frustrated and frankly, unwanted. So the next time I saw him, I was determined to get intimate. A day passed, and nothing. At some point he woke me up while I was asleep trying to initiate, but I was half asleep so obviously I'm not going to want to right away without him warming me up a little. He gave up fairly quickly. The next day I confronted him, after hours of fighting about something else. He told me that he isn't that attracted to me because lately I have a terrible body odor and the fighting drains him emotionally, so obviously he's not going to want me. Worst feeling in the world, but I still thought, I can work with this. Came home, showered thoroughly and tried to initiate when he was calm enough. It sort of worked. We ended up having -some- sex. And after he's done, I'm just sitting there on the bed and thinking, wow. That was absolutely terrible. I wasn't into it at all. He didn't even care about me finishing. I almost wish I hadn't bothered. It wasn't intimate or emotionally close. It was just sex. And not even fun sex. It left me feeling terrible. And now I wonder if we'll ever go back to the emotionally and physically satisfying sex we used to have. It was pretty much the one thing that was routinely amazing even when our relationship didn't feel that great. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on February 23, 2015, 01:03:15 PM I just want to agree with a previous poster that women are definitely not, I repeat, not always ready to have sex. This is the biggest misconception out there, I think. Women's bodies are delicate and complicated but just because we have a hole where an erect penis can fit does not mean we are ready. Sorry if that is too blunt for you. This misconception pisses me off. I am female with a female partner and I can tell you that things work much smoother and are fantastically better when we are both mentally, emotionally and physically ready for sharing our bodies with each other. And I want to agree with the original poster that when I don't feel loved and appreciated and have been the target of dysregulation, I am definitely not in the mood, and it may take a while of insight, awareness and even apologies before I can get in the mood again. You are not alone. I know it really irks me... .and I have tried to say that but you know how explaining anything to a pwBPD goes >.< Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: empathic on February 24, 2015, 02:58:00 AM Same situation here. Negativity is a major turnoff for me as well, not to mention not getting any respect. When we first met, it was great though. There were some red flags like not accepting that I was sick. It gradually turned into being all on her terms.
Like a previous poster mentioned she has announced this in front of family, total lack of boundaries. This had lead to us having separate bedrooms as I can't relax anymore in the same bedroom as her. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Michelle27 on February 24, 2015, 06:04:19 PM Oh boy, has this been a problem in my marriage too.
My husband was very high functioning when we met. Other than a few small red flags that were easily dismissed, it was almost 7 years of the typical "honeymoon" period. Best sex I'd ever had, emotionally connected like all BPD people seem to be able to present for a little while, but it seriously lasted for all those years. And then he was hit with some really traumatic news and the cracks started showing big time. The dysregulations were scary and threw me off. It took a few years of this and I started dreading sex because even though I WANTED it, I couldn't relax enough to "get there" and thus began a lot of faking. I swore I'd never do that but I spent years taking care of myself on my own and going through the motions with him and pulling back and not wanting it more than a few times a month. I don't know about all women, but feeling emotionally safe is a HUGE part of me being open to sex. Then a few months ago he confesses that several years ago he had a year long affair with a "friend" of mine. He claimed it was because I wasn't giving him enough sex. Talk about a double blow. We went through a period of a few weeks or a month when I actually desperately wanted sex from him (typical hyper bonding after finding out about an affair) and that was great, but it's beginning to wane again. He's in the process of looking for DBT and wanting to work through his issues and I'm so afraid he's once again going to just going to sabotage this attempt at help so I'm having trouble relaxing enough to want it and enjoy it. I was thinking today about mindfulness and using it in the bedroom to be able to focus on the NOW rather than my emotional fragility which is what is making it harder for me. Interesting thought... . Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Ophelia71 on February 24, 2015, 06:54:28 PM It is hard to be intimate when a loved one makes you feel so worthless and not good about yourself even though you know you are not the problem. Regardless, it hurts. I usually forgive because I love my BPD husband and try to make it work. Lately, with his frequent episodes I avoid him until he "snaps" out of it. Then later I will tell him he has hurt me, but I will always love him. I guess the question you need to ask yourself, how much do you love this person and how much do you want to make it work? I have accepted the fact our marriage may not last because one of us is bound to snap, because to be honest it has been really hard to cope. One day at a time and usually every day is a brand new day is how I have been trying to look at it. Being married is hard work whether a person has mental health issues or not.
Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on February 25, 2015, 09:09:28 AM I have accepted the fact our marriage may not last because one of us is bound to snap, because to be honest it has been really hard to cope. It can be hard to cope... .this is something I still struggle with as well. One of the goals at bpdfamily is to get you some tools in your tool chest... .and give you the confidence that those tools work. Not so much to "fix" your partner as it is for you to be confident that no matter what... .I will make emotionally healthy choices and that those choices will have a positive impact on your life. I would hope after a while that you have the confidence to say... ."my husband may "snap" and end our r/s... .but that is his issue and his decision... ." Do you see the difference in what I have written... .and how you expressed it in your post? One day at a time and usually every day is a brand new day is how I have been trying to look at it. Being married is hard work whether a person has mental health issues or not. One day at a time is a good strategy. Also a good strategy to not let "issues" from yesterday... .spill into today. Today is a new day! Use it to make your r/s and your life better. FF Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Gus Blue on March 11, 2015, 07:08:36 PM I have dealt with this exact thing. She will tear me down and criticize me one moment, then get upset with me for not hugging her and trying to be intimate. Why would I want to be intimate with someone who basically just called me a loser?
Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Turkish on March 12, 2015, 12:21:09 AM I have dealt with this exact thing. She will tear me down and criticize me one moment, then get upset with me for not hugging her and trying to be intimate. Why would I want to be intimate with someone who basically just called me a loser? I don't have a pat answer for this Gus Blue. As you can see, a lot of us struggled or are struggling with it, both men and women. Personally, I often felt like a trained seal. I did better after a while getting professional validation, which as a man, I felt ashamed of seeking, especially since my Ex was already shaming me, even going so far as to compare me to an Ex bf (who cheated on her and abandoned her, but that didn't matter in her mind). What else is going on, besides what I'm assuming is verbal and emotional abuse? Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on March 12, 2015, 10:20:33 AM Gus, I'm glad you found us... .tell us more about the times when she says these things. I think we can help you with these type of interactions. Have you read the lessons... .look to the right of the screen... .good place to start! FF Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Notwendy on March 12, 2015, 10:27:45 AM Turkish, my H has said the same thing about me. At one point, he refused to kiss me because I asked him to. Of all the things that have happened between us, rages, insults, being painted black, this was the most emotionally devastating to me- to have a husband who would not kiss me.
Yet, he still wanted to have sex with me, and even made an argument for not "having to work so hard at it" in favor of quickies. When I asked him why he didn't kiss me he said that he felt like a "trained seal". Yet I could not imagine what I had done to make him feel that way. He remained very critical of me sexually and made it clear that whetever I was doing was not what he wanted. Sad, because whatever I was doing came from the heart. If I asked him to do something I liked, to him I was ordering him around. If only I had known that what is said during dysregulation was not always based on reality, or how they feel. However, I didn't. I was heart broken. Yet, I was a young wife, in love with him, and wanted him to be happy. I assumed that what he said was what he wanted, so he got what he wanted, but doing so resulted in me disconnecting my emotions from the act of sex. I don't think I ever got them connected again. Now, he gets upset that I don't want to kiss him. It's more that it brings back painful memories and even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I'm still invested in the marriage, and willing to work at it, but - it isn't easy as I have that sad memory. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on March 12, 2015, 10:33:31 AM I'm still dealing with all of this, as well. None of us are alone in this it seems. My dBPDh's own mind is his worst enemy, and this area of our life is no different. I've been working on being more 'aggressive' like he said, and it has worked a few times. What he has started doing since then is waiting until I am about to fall asleep to try to initiate things. He will try and try and try until I caved in or pretended to be asleep.
From the suggestions on this board, the past 2 times he has done this I have responded aggressively, and both times he has backed off. So, I'm planning a 'hostile takeover' this weekend, and see how that goes. It's really uncomfortable for me to be this aggressive... .but I'm trying. I have no idea what else to do about something that came so natural for us in the beginning. Man... .I miss that. Our sex life used to be a highlight and a feature. Now, it's a slobbering beast in a dark closet. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on March 12, 2015, 10:45:21 AM @Notwendy My H has said "I am not a piece of meat!" and... .I just don't know where to go after something like that is said >.>
Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Notwendy on March 12, 2015, 11:02:36 AM "Now, it's a slobbering beast in a dark closet."
My H laments that I don't seem interested. However, when I was interested, he saw it as being ordered around. Now, it all feels like some emotional mess. I remember the old fashioned idea of "frigidity" and men complaining about their frigid wife. However, I wonder how many women just got fed up with this kind of messed up sex and so lost interest? ( men too) Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on March 12, 2015, 12:56:35 PM "Now, it's a slobbering beast in a dark closet." My H laments that I don't seem interested. However, when I was interested, he saw it as being ordered around. Now, it all feels like some emotional mess. I remember the old fashioned idea of "frigidity" and men complaining about their frigid wife. However, I wonder how many women just got fed up with this kind of messed up sex and so lost interest? ( men too) Yep I know it. I quit trying for a while because it really does take a toll on you to be rejected over and over, regardless if you logically know it's not you. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on March 13, 2015, 11:15:01 AM I'm still invested in the marriage, and willing to work at it, but - it isn't easy as I have that sad memory. Dealing with sad or troubling memories has recently been a bit more challenging for me. I seem to have trouble quitting "ruminating" on them. Usually when I have a problem that is hard to solve I can think about it for a while... ."ruminate" on it... .and I'll come across a solution. Sometimes... .this even happens in my r/s with the wife... .that I'll discover a nugget of something that I can turn into something positive. But... .lately... .seems like I'm just turning things over... .and not getting anywhere. ff Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on March 13, 2015, 11:18:31 AM @Notwendy My H has said "I am not a piece of meat!" and... .I just don't know where to go after something like that is said >.> Have you ever asked how you can approach him... .so he doesn't feel "like a piece of meat"? That's a tough one to deal with... . Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Turkish on March 13, 2015, 11:37:13 AM @Notwendy My H has said "I am not a piece of meat!" and... .I just don't know where to go after something like that is said >.> Have you ever asked how you can approach him... .so he doesn't feel "like a piece of meat"? That's a tough one to deal with... . I never clearly communicated this with my Ex, so I was sent to therapy. I felt, but didn't say how I felt. And she abandoned me there, like she did at the end (even after admitting that she was "sick" a word she used for herself, I never said that). Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on March 13, 2015, 01:00:43 PM @Notwendy My H has said "I am not a piece of meat!" and... .I just don't know where to go after something like that is said >.> Have you ever asked how you can approach him... .so he doesn't feel "like a piece of meat"? That's a tough one to deal with... . The problem with this one is one minute he says he wants me to be aggressive, and when I am this is the cop-out he gives me. When I have asked what he means, how I make him feel that way... .he replies with all I want from him is sex and I make him feel used when I'm aggressive. huh? I need to start carrying a brick wall in my pocket so I can pull it out and bonk my head into it at any given moment. Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: formflier on March 13, 2015, 02:24:49 PM And when you ask... ."Help me understand how I can honor your request to be more aggressive without bringing up troubling feelings that you are speaking about... ." Boy... .that would seem to be an interesting thing to listen to... . FF Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: ColdEthyl on March 13, 2015, 02:32:06 PM And when you ask... ."Help me understand how I can honor your request to be more aggressive without bringing up troubling feelings that you are speaking about... ." Boy... .that would seem to be an interesting thing to listen to... . FF I'll keep you updated. No doubt it will come up again. I'm planning a 'hostile takeover' this weekend, so if he feels all meaty... .I'll ask him rofl Title: Re: When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested Post by: Mutt on March 13, 2015, 03:08:26 PM *mod*
The discussion is a worthwhile topic and is locked. A new and similar thread can be started. |