When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi

I am curious to know what other nice people on this forum are thinking about the subject.

Part of my wife's BPD is constant negativity, a lot of criticism, and everything is to the extreme. So she told me in the past few weeks - and numerous times! - how bad I am, how she regrets marrying me, how deep garbage I am, etc.

Then, all of a sudden, her mood swings to the other direction. She is acting very affectionate, although she is doing it in a very childish way - she tickles me next to the children and acting a bit childish, but I know a lot of it is her trying to be attractive to me.

Now, she looks great, and all, but you know - intimacy is much more than looks and physical acts. I am really not in the mood. Really not. And I am young and very interested in it... .except not after I am being told I am the worst thing that ever happened to her.

On the other hand, this is her BPD. One day I am the best, the other the worst. I just can't bring myself to feel loved or to even be attracted. I guess I distanced myself so I won't get hurt.

Do you feel similar feelings to mine? What do you do? How do you handle them?

[joshbjoshb]

Hi

I am curious to know what other nice people on this forum are thinking about the subject.

Part of my wife's BPD is constant negativity, a lot of criticism, and everything is to the extreme. So she told me in the past few weeks - and numerous times! - how bad I am, how she regrets marrying me, how deep garbage I am, etc.

Then, all of a sudden, her mood swings to the other direction. She is acting very affectionate, although she is doing it in a very childish way - she tickles me next to the children and acting a bit childish, but I know a lot of it is her trying to be attractive to me.

Now, she looks great, and all, but you know - intimacy is much more than looks and physical acts. I am really not in the mood. Really not. And I am young and very interested in it... .except not after I am being told I am the worst thing that ever happened to her.

On the other hand, this is her BPD. One day I am the best, the other the worst. I just can't bring myself to feel loved or to even be attracted. I guess I distanced myself so I won't get hurt.

Do you feel similar feelings to mine? What do you do? How do you handle them?

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[Jeansok]

you are definitely not alone in this, my husband is believed to be BPD and I have felt the exact same way! It's hard to want to be close and intimate to somebody who's always putting you down. I just distance myself and then whenever he's being kind and caring I kind of just live in the reality that is at the moment, which sets myself up for huge disappointments later as far as emotionally... .

right now, my husband is in one of those distant moods himself and just waiting for him to snap it.

[Turkish]

I didn't handle this well, josh. I agree with your feelings, despite the gender stereotype. I often would feel used, as it was like she was using me to relieve her anger. I think a lot of guys can deal with this. I found it very difficult. Have you thought about consulting a T about this? I found a little professional validation helped me.

[enlighten me]

I can sympathise completely. They may be able to switch their mood at the drop of a hat but I cant. When youve been criticised and berated it doesnt put you in the mood.

One thing my ex wife used to go on about is an incident of this when we were going out.

We had bought a house together and it needed a lot of work. I spent all my spare time working on it and being criticised for it not being done yet. The constant moaning about living in a tip pushed me to basqueharder and devote more time to it. One day i had been stripping wall paper and skimming walls. She came in and went into one about the mess. I was knackered and fed up. I decided to stop work and tidy up. She then walked in in stockings, suspenders and a basqe expecting me to make love to her.

I stopped my sweeping up and just stared at her. This obviously not being the reaction she expected made her fly into a rage and storm off.

I just couldnt get my head around how she could come in ranting and raging at me then expect me to make love to her. I understand now that I was dealing with BPD behaviour.

[formflier]

Do you feel similar feelings to mine? What do you do? How do you handle them?

This is where "putting on your armor" is important. 

When I get hurt... .it takes me time to get over it.  Especially when compared to my wife's mood swings. Just like you described... .critical... and then swing over to "let's get it on... "

The concept of "not taking it personally"... .was an incredibly important thing for me to learn.  I'm still working on it.

When I can deflect the criticism... .vice take a direct hit... .my life seems to go much smoother... .and my r/s.

So...   let me flip this question around some. 

How have you guys learned to "armor up" better?

[Crumbling]

I have had to make it clear to my BPDh that I have the right to say no to sex if I am feeling wounded by his actions/words and that I don't blame him, but that I deserve space to heal from it.  And for him to not grant me that, is simply not acceptable.  He now knows I will leave to protect myself.  It's been a bit of an experiment, and something I've only begun about three months ago, but things have been changing for us, and for me.

One thing I'm learning to accept is that the core of this issue is that the pwBPD is using sex to help him/her feel reassured that you will not abandon them for the recent 'bad behaviour'.  There is no connection for them to what you are feeling at the time, because of the BPD.  They are wrapped in their own sense of reality, and doing what they can to cope with the emotions.  And for you, that's good, because that means you have done nothing wrong in the situation.  So don't go blaming yourself.  Okay?

I've been working on simply helping my BPDh see my side of the coin.  I've been focused on being clear and honest about where I am in my own head, and sharing with him only when he is obviously in a regulated way.  I had a response from him the other night, after I tiraded for a while about the situation, that was reassuring.  I had said that I was afraid I was being a nag over this issue, and he said 'no, not at all, I'm as thick as a 4x8.  Keep talking, I will get it eventually.  I want to get it.'       He gained Bonus Points with that one, you want to know it! 

You know your lady best Josh.  May be there's a way for the two of you to bring this out into an open discussion without dysregulating her.  Would that be possible for you?  You can't fix something without examining it, right?

[Verbena]

I can relate to this thread.  For years, the only time my H would drop the nasty, miserable, negative attitude was when he felt there might be sex later.  I guess I was okay with that for a long time.  The physical part of our relationship was the best part, and I just put up with the 180-degree switcharoo. 

At some point, though, I got sick of it. I felt used.  I was so turned off by his everyday complaining and and negativity that I couldn't separate in my head the "nice" him with the "real" him.  And that is when my physical attraction for him slowly began to die.  We have slept in different rooms for five years and there is zero physical contact between us.  I tried to explain all this to him, but he had nothing to say.  He will not discuss it, period.  That is just how stubborn he is.  He will not accept that I see him (and lots of other people do too) as a miserable person to be around.  He will not be accountable for his behavior; he will not be at fault. 

So our sexless marriage continues.  I think this makes him even more of an angry person than he normally is, but he would never recognize that the way I feel is a product of his behavior.  He can't/won't make that connection. 

[formflier]

  He will not accept that I see him (and lots of other people do too) as a miserable person to be around.  

Why do you think this is hard for him to accept?

Is there a different way to try to express this to him that might be easier for him to accept?

[Verbena]

  He will not accept that I see him (and lots of other people do too) as a miserable person to be around.  

Why do you think this is hard for him to accept?

Is there a different way to try to express this to him that might be easier for him to accept?


That is a good question.  I just know that he can never be wrong, never apologize (to me), and is stubborn beyond belief.  If anyone has any ideas on another way to express this to him, I am all ears. 

[maxsterling]

EXACTLY my issue right now.  She can be mean, nasty, negative, say horrible things to me.  Then the next day, or even a few hours want sex, and I am just so turned off by the thought.  She will even go so far as to start fondling me, and I feel violated.

This is a huge source of emotional confusion for me right now.  On one hand, I feel like I need to get over it.  On the other hand, I feel like my body is telling me something here.  I mean heck, I want sex, I do have a sex drive, and normally I would want this behavior. 

So confusing... .

[maxsterling]

BTW, I want to add that "not taking it personally" seems to only go so far.  Right now, I am facing a "physically not being able to" problem, that I think is related to this stress.  It's not just that I feel bad about the negative atmosphere, but now the parts aren't even working well. 

[Crumbling]

"The body speaks what the heart cannot."

[enlighten me]

BTW, I want to add that "not taking it personally" seems to only go so far.  Right now, I am facing a "physically not being able to" problem, that I think is related to this stress.  It's not just that I feel bad about the negative atmosphere, but now the parts aren't even working well. 

Been there aswell Max. Looks and a willing body only go so far where attraction is concerned. I kind of see this as healthy now even though at the time I thought there was something wrong with me.

[maxsterling]

BTW, I want to add that "not taking it personally" seems to only go so far.  Right now, I am facing a "physically not being able to" problem, that I think is related to this stress.  It's not just that I feel bad about the negative atmosphere, but now the parts aren't even working well. 

Been there aswell Max. Looks and a willing body only go so far where attraction is concerned. I kind of see this as healthy now even though at the time I thought there was something wrong with me.

And it's not that I don't find her attractive or sexy. It's just that after a period of negativity, my body simply isn't in the mood for sex.  Yet, if I say "no" she feels hurt like I am not attracted to her.  Explaining what is going on at that moment is a JADE, and then it's just a tricky mess.

[MaroonLiquid]

And it's not that I don't find her attractive or sexy. It's just that after a period of negativity, my body simply isn't in the mood for sex.  Yet, if I say "no" she feels hurt like I am not attracted to her.  Explaining what is going on at that moment is a JADE, and then it's just a tricky mess.

i know exactly what you are talking about max... .I'm going through the same thing.  This only started the last month or so.  The issues between us have taken a toll and why I'm taking a step back... .

"The body speaks what the heart cannot."

Yep... .So true, especially in this case... .

[Turkish]

BTW, I want to add that "not taking it personally" seems to only go so far.  Right now, I am facing a "physically not being able to" problem, that I think is related to this stress.  It's not just that I feel bad about the negative atmosphere, but now the parts aren't even working well.  

Been there aswell Max. Looks and a willing body only go so far where attraction is concerned. I kind of see this as healthy now even though at the time I thought there was something wrong with me.

And it's not that I don't find her attractive or sexy. It's just that after a period of negativity, my body simply isn't in the mood for sex.  Yet, if I say "no" she feels hurt like I am not attracted to her.  Explaining what is going on at that moment is a JADE, and then it's just a tricky mess.

Max, I'm sorry that you are going through this. She broke up with me once because of this. Then I recycled, and was sent to sex therapy. I got validation from the two female doctors, and never had the problem ever again. Not once. The partners not having the "problem" (males and females) were supposed to support their SOs. The doctor made this point clear. Mine abandoned me, because she hated being there. Even stating in front of the group, "yeah, his smoking, I knew it!"

After she started dysregulating more after D1 and also an external trigger in her FOO, I started just detaching. Not to say that we didn't do it at least a few times a week, but it wasn't enough for her. She retreated into what she knew worked: sex=love. She actually hit me once out of frustration because I didn't want to be with her one night. So I complied. It was good (she never lied to me about that)... .for her.

josh: have you seen this article? I'm not saying that our specific pwBPD are sex addicts (since sex is an important part of an intimate r/s), but maybe you can get some useful information from here:

Article 14: Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us

Unlike the healthy person seeking partnership and sex as a complement to their life, the Love and Sex Addict searches for something outside of themselves (a person, relationship or experience) which will provide them with the emotional and life stability that they themselves lack. Similar to a drug addict or alcoholic, love and sex addicts use their arousing romantic/sexual experiences in an attempt to "fix" themselves and remain emotionally stable.

When love and sexuality are used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow and share, partner choice becomes skewed. Compatibility becomes based on "whether or not you will leave me", "how intense our sex life is" or "how I can hook you into staying", rather than on whether you might truly become a peer, friend and companion

I think accepting that your wife needs this to cope with her emotional dysgregulation and probably feelings of emptiness and lack of self-worth, how can you come to an emotional compromise within yourself which would be satisfactory?

I'll mention it again: once I got validation from a professional, my issue went away, at least physically.

[formflier]

I'll mention it again: once I got validation from a professional, my issue went away, at least physically.

Did the Doc say this to your wife... .or say it to you in front of your wife?

[Turkish]

I'll mention it again: once I got validation from a professional, my issue went away, at least physically.

Did the Doc say this to your wife... .or say it to you in front of your wife?

No. It was a males only session. I never went back after that. It took another month ago for fear, yes fear, to abate. After that, no problems for almost 5 years.

[Notwendy]

I think this is a common issue that affects both men and women. However, I think it is a bit different. I think for everyone, sex is validating, however most of us can accept that in a long term relationship, two people are not going to be in the mood at the same time all of the time. I think we can hope that it is much of the time, but we have to accept that our partners are human.

What adds to a poor sense of self is that when a man isn't in the mood, it is obvious. A woman can hide it better. This was one thing my H has talked about, how it is "easier" for me to go along with it than for him--- with the ( what is logical to him but not really) implication that I should not say no to him since I can do it anyway. Saying no would result in him raging. He felt as if he could say no to me, and if I tried to initiate, he would accuse me of "ordering him to perform". Add ED to this and it can be an emotional mess. Add menopause to this- where many women need extra affection and time to build desire, and so this emotional bagage makes it even tougher for me to have much desire.

The raging and critism me had an effect long before hormonal changes. Add to this just going along with it to keep him from raging - which is also desrtructive but it at least kept the peace. I don't know. It's tough. My H says he'd love it if I showed up in something sexy, but it feels as if I was humiliated when I did that too. I'd say to guys- whose wives probably have some toxic shame and low self esteem- if your wife shows up dressed up in something sexy- she's feeling pretty fragile and vulnerable at that time too.

[ColdEthyl]

I am sorry you are going through this. I also want to say thank you for sharing your story. It's good to shed light on the other side of the coin... .where men feel like they are being used sexually. So often, society forgets about the pressures men endure.

It seems sex and BPD will have some issues together for a lot of us. In my case, my H convinced himself because of his age (49 now, started at 46) he will just up and have some ED issues. We are still working on getting comfortable together again and getting his confidence back up.

There have been times where he wants to initiate something when he's drunk, and that's a turn off for me. I don't feel like he means it. He gets 'grabby' and demands my attention, instead of just being... .sweet about it. When he is in this state... .he's not going to be able to finish the entire act. To whit, most of the time it's late at night... .I need to work in the am, he's already kept me up too long and I'm tired.

I don't have a good answer. Atm, my method of choice to pretend to be falling asleep. Saying no... .or no thank you... .isn't going to go well.

[ColdEthyl]

I think this is a common issue that affects both men and women. However, I think it is a bit different. I think for everyone, sex is validating, however most of us can accept that in a long term relationship, two people are not going to be in the mood at the same time all of the time. I think we can hope that it is much of the time, but we have to accept that our partners are human.

What adds to a poor sense of self is that when a man isn't in the mood, it is obvious. A woman can hide it better. This was one thing my H has talked about, how it is "easier" for me to go along with it than for him--- with the ( what is logical to him but not really) implication that I should not say no to him since I can do it anyway. Saying no would result in him raging. He felt as if he could say no to me, and if I tried to initiate, he would accuse me of "ordering him to perform". Add ED to this and it can be an emotional mess. Add menopause to this- where many women need extra affection and time to build desire, and so this emotional bagage makes it even tougher for me to have much desire.

The raging and critism me had an effect long before hormonal changes. Add to this just going along with it to keep him from raging - which is also desrtructive but it at least kept the peace. I don't know. It's tough. My H says he'd love it if I showed up in something sexy, but it feels as if I was humiliated when I did that too. I'd say to guys- whose wives probably have some toxic shame and low self esteem- if your wife shows up dressed up in something sexy- she's feeling pretty fragile and vulnerable at that time too.

Notwendy when discussing the ED with my H, his go-to argument is "you don't know what it's like for me. your body is ready for sex anytime... .and mine isnt"

That's true... .in the physical sense. But mental... .well that's going to be the same for male or female.

[Notwendy]

It is good to hear the man's side of the story.

I also know it happens with men married to women with BPD because my mother- who had no boundaries- would announce it all over the house.

Not something teens want to hear about their parents.  

[Notwendy]

Ethyl, I hear you. My H says the same thing to me. I can just do it.

Sad that he didn't figure out that my emotions had something to do with it too.

[ColdEthyl]

It is good to hear the man's side of the story.

I also know it happens with men married to women with BPD because my mother- who had no boundaries- would announce it all over the house.

Not something teens want to hear about their parents.  

Holy cow! My mother used to do that. She definitely had some PD issues, but I don't think she was BPD. She told me about a medical issue she was having from her... .escapades, which was bad enough. But, she has come to visit me at my home and we went to the corner store near my house that I went to almost daily and told the store owner about it as well.

I wanted to die.

[Notwendy]

Yuk! As a parent now, I can not imagine saying anything like that to my kids, or even discussing my relationship issues with them.

[empath]

Notwendy when discussing the ED with my H, his go-to argument is "you don't know what it's like for me. your body is ready for sex anytime... .and mine isnt"

That's true... .in the physical sense. But mental... .well that's going to be the same for male or female.

I don't buy that argument even in the 'physical sense'; there is so much to women's readiness for sex. I think it is one of those ways of invalidating our sexuality.

Anyway, recently I had to call a halt to sex. This is totally unlike me, but there was an incident where he stepped over the line and I no longer feel like I can trust him. Over the past several years, I have had to deal with his blame around my sexuality (nothing out of the ordinary, just a woman who wants a good sex life) and around his lack of response (which is also my problem in his mind). Gosh, it's hard to be excited when a partner cannot even look at you and sighs and rolls their eyes constantly.

When he tried to start something after the incident, I couldn't respond. Eventually, he decided to get up and was angry, but he was really trying not to talk about it. I asked what the problem was, but he wasn't going to tell me. Later that day, I talked to him about how I was feeling with lots of emotional language (safety, trust) describing my experience. Now, he is 'worried' about our relationship -- probably a good thing.

I think that we have to respect ourselves and our bodies that tell us when something is wrong, and we need to stick up for ourselves. I've also found that talking about it outside of the immediate context tends to help with the emotional component.

[Hmcbart]

I feel for you and what your going through. I just have trouble feeling too bad. I have the exact opposite end of the spectrum. My wife low labido, and no sex drive at all. Like once a year sex drive. She hated our MC after he suggested we have sex 2 times a month, and she was the one who chose him. According to her, it's perfectly normal for most ladies to not want to have sex.

So I do feel for what your going through, but I wouldn't mind having to deal with that end of the spectrum for a while. I'm sure it's just as bad but the self esteem hits we can take where you down after a while. I explained to her that I have better odds of meeting a perfect stranger and being able to have sex with her than I do my own wife.

Granted this was before I started learning about BPD. I understand that what I said then didn't help matters, but after so many years, I'm still dealing with the pain of rejection and neglect.

[reluctanthusband]

For us it's always a timing issue.  I'm a morning guy she's a night owl.  By the end of the day I'm totally exhausted.  She then takes it as a slight "I don't want her" and then gets upset for days.  The mind is willing the body is weak.  Constant struggle because she is always playing it up towards the end of the day making me think that something good is going to happen when I get home from work just to find out that she has filled up our time with all sorts of stuff and then fusses when by the time we have time I'm beat.

[Cat Familiar]

Yep, another sexless marriage here. I got so turned off by my husband's use of alcohol that I just started setting limits: "I go to bed at 10:30--if you want to stay up--sleep elsewhere." Also I was really grossed out by having sex with him when he was drunk--total turnoff. So now, he's got his alcohol as his mistress and I sleep alone most nights.

And yes, it's unbelievable how they can go from grumpy/raging/a$$hole behavior and then flip a switch and want sex. It doesn't work that way for me.

[Verbena]

And yes, it's unbelievable how they can go from grumpy/raging/a$$hole behavior and then flip a switch and want sex. It doesn't work that way for me.

I could not possibly agree more. 

I asked my husband what he thought people we know (friends, people at our church) would think if he knew that we did not actually live as husband and wife, that we slept in seperate rooms. His response was, "It is what it is" and then he walked away. 

I told him a few months ago that he could start sleeping in our bed again if he wanted to.  His response?  Nothing.  He ignored me.  To be honest, I am relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with him because he snores, gets up to pee every hour on the hour, and gets FURIOUS if I make even the slightest noise when I come to bed.

On the other hand, I couldn't tell you how many times I was very careful not to even move and disturb him when I came to bed thinking he was alseep only to have him startle me a few minutes later when he would angrily throw back the covers, get out of bed, and leave the room, slamming the door behind him. 

My H is angry when he's awake and even when he is asleep.  A few months ago, he screamed profanities in his sleep. He denied that this happened.  I guess he thinks I made it up.