BPDFamily.com

I was just curious if anyone had ever reached out to their replacement and tried to "fill them in" or "forewarn" them as to who they're involved with if they didn't already know they were with someone with BPD?

What was their reaction? Did they blow you off and treat you like a jealous, crazy ex? Did they accept what you had to say and thank you?

i made that mistake... .and i wish i hadnt. 

Put yourself in their shoes.  How would you have reacted while in the idealization phase and given the pwBPD's ability lie and spin things?

If someone would have come to me and told me you know, he's bipolar and borderline are you aware of that? I don't know if I would have initially believed it, but it definitely would have made me stop, think and analyze the relationship. It definitely would have made the wheels turn in my head so to speak.

I would have gone online and researched and spoken to my family about it. At the end of the day, I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with someone with mental illness, especially when I'm looking to settle down and have a family of my own hopefully in the near future.

I don't think someone would go up to a complete stranger and start throwing out medical diagnoses, conditions and suicidal behavior like that for no reason about their bf.

What did your ex tell you about his/her exes? Mine told all her new found loves that I was a crazy ex so the two that I did tell didn't believe me... .they do now.


I shouldn't have been surprised because when I was the new shiny toy she told me all her exes were crazy.

Most are undiagnosed or will lie about their diagnoses.

Also, people do lie to strangers especially to hurt someone that they are angry with.

I would not try to forewarn any replacement for various reasons, and I haven't.  With that being said, I think if I did forewarn someone that it would actually be very effective at stopping my ex in her tracks.  It's not like you're just some vengeful ex saying that your ex was a b!t*h -- but rather, you are pointing to a very serious medical condition that the replacement can look up and compare to ongoing behavior.  Even if the replacement was still in disbelief, it's almost certain that he'd be running as soon as the BPDisms surfaced and he could recognize that this wasn't just your standard PMS or something. 

On the one guy other than her exhb that she started a r/s with in between our recycles I did warn the guy in a somewhat obnoxious way, while responding to his and her bad behavior.

He was a short lived replacement... .only with her about 45-60 days. She treated him terribly when she broke up with him and came back to me... .something I didn't forget.  She stood him up to see me without telling me until he was on his way to her apt.

I don't recommend telling them. At least in the case of my exgf they will find out very quickly.

Thanks for reinforcing my decision not to!  

Anyone in MAJOR love-bombing mode isn't going to listen to ANYTHING that we would have to say.  Right?... .plus they are being manipulated and lied to and we are painted black so that our ex's can play victim to be rescued. No doubt.

They do worry about it though... .us contacting the new toy... .

Ahhhhh the flags I let fly by  red-flag  red-flag  red-flag

My ex said to me early in the relationship (we had a house landline when we moved in together) "If "blank" ever calls just give the phone to me and I'll "handle" it.  She DEFINITELY a did not want us talking!   God I was a fool.

The warning that I made was to the ex. Stay away. You stay away.

My exBPDgf's ex husband actually gave me a hug as I was dropping his kids off one day. It was one of those hand shake to a quick hug to say hi. I originally thought it was because i was good with the kids and he was thanking me for it. Haha, now I know why. He was thanking me for taking the craziness of his wife away from him. Lol. I later found out that she had been harassing him and wouldn't leave him and his new girlfriend alone. Wow, I should have seen that as a red flag.

I have one of her prospects phone numbers.

I am seriously considering texting from a Skype number the following:

Google: (Her name)(her town) arrest

Warning: She gets crazy in relationships.

This will bring up her arrest from 2 years ago with charges for burglary, aggrevated assault, possession of weapon in crime.

My therapist has advised me against this as she could find out and become violent against me, but it is oh so tempting.

What say you?

Seems like high cost with perhaps no benefit.  I would not do it no matter how tempting. 

I did. 

... and?

+1000 

... .just more drama... .except you are causing it... .not them.

Well, it's none of your business.

I don't know if I'd think of it like this.  I think it's reasonable to want to warn a stranger about a danger ahead. 

However, I wouldn't try mess with a pwPBD -- don't try out psychopath a psychopath.  Also, warning one person isn't going to do much good, because the pwBPD will just find someone else to abuse -- there's an endless number of people on online dating sites.

3 people with a pwPBD is likely going to create a karpman drama triangle.

She'll cast you in the role of persecutor (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0) and she shifts between roles; persecutor, rescuer, victim.

Boris has a good point.

What's going on between your ex and the other person is between them.

It's lose-lose.

I agree with all of that Mutt... .I thought about "warning" this guy... .but, why would I want or care to take care of this guy?... .I had enough on my own plate. I did recognize (even though I was an emotional mess... .but in T and self help)... .that I had an underlying motive to destroy her relationship that she started while living with me.  It was soo low what she did... I had every reason to be angry... .I really fought that urge... .I could do nothing to "fix" things... .and I was soo frustrated at her candor and smugness (of course now she had new supply to prop her up, so she was soo mean and full of herself... it was awful)... .I was so depressed and confused... .but in the end I saw that it was not a good thing to do... .and of course she would have reveled in the self-centered drama she created that I would have just been adding to for her entertainment value.  It took me a while to understand that its "none of my business", but I am down with that today.  At the time I did not know anything about BPD... it all makes sense to me now.

I'd love to, even just to tell him to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which would at least put him in a place to recognize what's going on. But I know what he's going to hear is the vindictive, selfish ex- trying to sabotage the beautiful new relationship he has with this amazing woman. She can easily spin a narrative painting me black if she wants, and she has backup. The people she's living with now believe I'm a thief who would have kept some borrowed furniture out of spite if she hadn't rescued it from me, and they plus a couple she's dating half of would happily circle wagons against me. I wouldn't have listened to much of anything her previous ex- tried to warn me about, so why would I expect someone else to?

A pwBPD have different persona's with different people.


The persona I see now is not the persona I saw in the r/s. If I were approached in the r/s I think I would have taken offense.

My ex and I ran into one of her ex boyfriends years ago in a convenience store. I heard of all of the terrible stories about him. She said he tried to pour gas on her, years later her daughter recounted a different story. They got into a fight, she was bleeding and was pushed down a set of stairs.

Dissociation is it's own system; reality changes often with my ex and I believe what my SD tells me.

I recall the look on his face and how she was panicked seeing him in the store and I thought I was her White Knight protecting her when in fact he was likely treated the same way I was? Split black and cut out of her life and likely was triggered and in pain.

That being said, I ran into her this month at a McDonald's and she was ordering food. The first time I ran into her by herself publicly in over 24 months.

I was in line behind her and she was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and she was avoiding me, couldn't look at me and likely ashamed of her actions. An 8 year relationship, married with children and she can't face me - a different persona.

We've all gone through terrible break-ups and I think it's a lesson that likely we had to learn by going through it.

I think you are right... they are like chameleons. Different persona... .what ever plays best for them.  My ex always acted out with the replacement in front of me in a cruel way... .but now years later... .if she is alone she tries to walk up to me like nothing ever happened.  (she never acknowledged the betrayal and abandonment... .she says she never cheated... .which is a joke)... .I just have nothing to say... .can't have a phony conversation at my expense.  So I just move out... .I go... .no matter what. I feel that that is protecting me from a very sick person... .  I have had enough lies and pain. ... .and then the next day she could be playing "from here to eternity" infront of me with new supply.  No thanks.   

Nope. Im done with anything to do with her. My replacement is on his own. Ill save him a spot here.

I think aside from, "will they contact me again" or "they just contacted me" this is the top question.

Answer: No.

As much as I wish I'd never run into my exW she has taught me something about boundaries and hopefully im still young enough to capitalise on that and find someone new. So why would you rob someone who needs the education? If a person can not see my ex is trouble, then they probably need the experience. You can't save them that kind of hurt anyway. Everyone warned me, I ignored them all.

What kind of warning did you have?  Did they specifically say "Borderline Personality Disorder" and "you need to spend at least a few hours reading about this -- it is very serious"?

Just yesterday my 17yo daughter was telling me that she saw my ex at Walmart and that my ex looked away and quickly went down the next isle. My daughter needed some shampoo and had to go down that next isle also and then when my ex couldn't avoid her anymore, the ex started with, "Oh hey sweetie, how are you doing?" Didn't even mention me. I think that kind of pissed my daughter off. Well, that and trying to avoid her completely. It seems avoidance is these people's main way of dealing with things in life, lol

Looking forward to Volley ball season with her. Trying to take guesses on how I'm going to be avoided. Blah... .

I would warn someone that I knew personally if I saw him becoming involved with my BPDexgf. A stranger, no. I also would not just tell him that "she's crazy." That type of warning, to me, seems like blaming. So, it would have to be a carefully thought out warning with examples of what to look for as the relationship progressed. Even during idealization you can give examples of this is what he/she did/said that will represent similarity between the broken relationship and the new relationship thereby building confidence between the warner and the warned.

If I had received the aforementioned type of warning in the initial stages of the failed relationship with my BPDexgf, I would have listened. Would that alone caused me to terminate the relationship, no. Would I have started looking for what I had been foretold was coming my way (forewarned about), yes indeed. Unfortunately, I was never forewarned and boarded the rollercoaster with a big smile on my face.

Actually, now that I think about it. I did get warnings that my ex was "crazy". Not from one of her ex's, but rather from male family members. Her son always told me she was crazy and still does. And her brother and step brother told me she was crazy in the 1st year of so of our relationship. I think everyone in the family knows there's something off with her but they just look the other way. It's really a shame too, because I really did like her family and we got along pretty well and we still do when I see them.

During idealization, mine told me herself she was crazy. I'm not sure why she would do this.  Of course, I ignored it then.

My short answer is no and why?

My long answer is that it's difficult to come up with a good warning.  Since people have different personalities, what would have a big deal to you isn't a problem for someone else and vice versa.  Even if you could communicate quickly and effectively, they might not hear your message anyway.  In other words, you have to let them figure things out for themselves.

Funny story. After my BPD run away, my best friend told me that after while, just about every our mutual female friend who knew her was urging him to talk some sense into me and get me away from her because something was off with her and some things just weren't adding up. When I told his wife that I thought something was off mentally with her (I was just learning all this personality disorder stuff), she told me "I could have told you this months ago. Something was weird about her" Of course, I had any common sense love bombed out of me to see all that. Now, from time to time, I would get a feeling that something was off, but I'd dismiss it. Mind you, she was a highly functioning sharp individual, running a multi million dollar restaurant, so it was rather hard for me to believe that something cold possibly be mentally off with her... .

Yep, mine too. But then she would say, "crazy in a good way". My question now is, "Is there any kind of good crazy?"

Thats a big negatory your honor!

I'm a very confrontational person and have no problem going up to people and either calling them out on their crap or putting them on the spot and catching them completely off guard.

I approached my replacement the one and only time I saw her in my local supermarket parking lot (Recognized her by her pictures on social media.) I went up to her, introduced myself, shook her hand and asked if she knew of me. It didn't register with her at first and then it did. I started by asking her "Are you aware that "x" is mentally ill? He's BPD and Bipolar, are you aware of that?" She smirked, rolled her eyes at me and then tried to walk away from me. I said to her "He's mentally ill and hid it from me. I don't want to see what happened to me and to his last two g'fs "x" and "y" happen to you. You need to know this. You really need to know what you're dealing with."  She smirked, rolled her eyes "Okay'd" me and then walked away. I said to her "He has a history of trying to commit suicide and threw himself in the middle of the "x" road 3 months before I met him, was hospitalized and put on meds that he stopped... .NO ONE TOLD ME BECAUSE EVERYONE THOUGHT I KNEW AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS."

She "OKAY'd" me and walked away. That was it.  I didn't come across as a lunatic, jealous ex gf by any means. I was very diplomatic, polite and assertive. She looked at me like "yeah, he told me that you'd say that - you're the one that's nuts."

She's still with him 4-5 months later after I encountered her - actually living with him. As far as I'm concerned, she's either an idiot or there is something mentally wrong with her too. I'm sorry but you don't disregard something like this. I don't think someone would randomly make this up.

Mine has all these pinterest memes about "being okay with your own craziness" and "find someone as crazy as you" etc.

She would try to act like I was like her and she could read my emotions or something.  I never was and she never could.

The first time she met my parents, my father told my mother "there is something off with her, and I hope I am wrong here, but I don't trust her and think she will hurt raisins3142."

Wow.

The first time she met a good friend of mine, he and I were talking and she wasn't the center of attention for 15 minutes.

She then took off her socks so that her multiple top of the foot tattoos were exposed and said "when I get full of energy, I just like to prance around a bit sometimes!"  She then proceeded to stand on her tip toes and walk around the room dramatically with a big smile on her face kicking her tatttooed feet up in the air.  This went on for like 5 or 10 minutes until we stopped talking and started making funny comments about her and she was satisfied that she was getting all the attention again.  My friend looked at me like "what kind of crazy woman did you bring to my house?"  That was the first and only time she mentioned her tendency to spontaneously prance or did any prancing.  He still brings that up with a laugh.

Sounds like a ridiculous sketch comedy in hindsight.

I get what you are saying, but in honesty, it could go either way.

It would definitely pique my interest and make me read a bit and look for signs.  But I would also ask my significant other and probably allow them to allay my fears.  That is if I was in the idealization phase and they had not yet showed sufficient red flags.

When you come up to someone like that as a stranger and tell them something they don't want to hear or haven't yet experienced, then it sets up a cognitive dissonance.  That makes people uncomfortable and they tend to want to unload those feelings.

And I'll disagree.  People do make stuff up to be vindictive towards exes.  These boards are full of stories about that.  I'm not saying that you did that, I know you were honest.  But I've been lied to enough that I don't just believe people, especially when they could have an ulterior motive.

And even if I was concerned, if an ex of my SO came up to me, I would also likely say "Ok" and then try to get away and maybe look up more later.  Last thing I would do in that situation is ask them for coffee and talk to them in depth.

This is just normal human reactions as far as my perspective goes.  I'm sorry if it isn't exactly what you want to hear.

I think you did do a virtuous thing.  But, no deed is so good as to go unpunished.

I would like to forewarn my exgf about herself!

But I am still busy forewarning myself so I never take her back again.  lol