Have you ever tried forewarning your replacement?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was just curious if anyone had ever reached out to their replacement and tried to "fill them in" or "forewarn" them as to who they're involved with if they didn't already know they were with someone with BPD?

What was their reaction? Did they blow you off and treat you like a jealous, crazy ex? Did they accept what you had to say and thank you?

[Clawly85]

I was just curious if anyone had ever reached out to their replacement and tried to "fill them in" or "forewarn" them as to who they're involved with if they didn't already know they were with someone with BPD?

What was their reaction? Did they blow you off and treat you like a jealous, crazy ex? Did they accept what you had to say and thank you?

[rlhmm]

i made that mistake... .and i wish i hadnt. 

[raisins3142]

Put yourself in their shoes.  How would you have reacted while in the idealization phase and given the pwBPD's ability lie and spin things?

[Clawly85]

Put yourself in their shoes.  How would you have reacted while in the idealization phase and given the pwBPD's ability lie and spin things?

If someone would have come to me and told me you know, he's bipolar and borderline are you aware of that? I don't know if I would have initially believed it, but it definitely would have made me stop, think and analyze the relationship. It definitely would have made the wheels turn in my head so to speak.

I would have gone online and researched and spoken to my family about it. At the end of the day, I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with someone with mental illness, especially when I'm looking to settle down and have a family of my own hopefully in the near future.

I don't think someone would go up to a complete stranger and start throwing out medical diagnoses, conditions and suicidal behavior like that for no reason about their bf.

[Suzn]

Did they blow you off and treat you like a jealous, crazy ex?

What did your ex tell you about his/her exes? Mine told all her new found loves that I was a crazy ex so the two that I did tell didn't believe me... .they do now.


I shouldn't have been surprised because when I was the new shiny toy she told me all her exes were crazy.

[raisins3142]

Most are undiagnosed or will lie about their diagnoses.

Also, people do lie to strangers especially to hurt someone that they are angry with.

[Tim300]

I would not try to forewarn any replacement for various reasons, and I haven't.  With that being said, I think if I did forewarn someone that it would actually be very effective at stopping my ex in her tracks.  It's not like you're just some vengeful ex saying that your ex was a b!t*h -- but rather, you are pointing to a very serious medical condition that the replacement can look up and compare to ongoing behavior.  Even if the replacement was still in disbelief, it's almost certain that he'd be running as soon as the BPDisms surfaced and he could recognize that this wasn't just your standard PMS or something. 

[nowwhatz]

On the one guy other than her exhb that she started a r/s with in between our recycles I did warn the guy in a somewhat obnoxious way, while responding to his and her bad behavior.

He was a short lived replacement... .only with her about 45-60 days. She treated him terribly when she broke up with him and came back to me... .something I didn't forget.  She stood him up to see me without telling me until he was on his way to her apt.

I don't recommend telling them. At least in the case of my exgf they will find out very quickly.

[Infared]

i made that mistake... .and i wish i hadnt.  

Thanks for reinforcing my decision not to!  

Anyone in MAJOR love-bombing mode isn't going to listen to ANYTHING that we would have to say.  Right?... .plus they are being manipulated and lied to and we are painted black so that our ex's can play victim to be rescued. No doubt.

They do worry about it though... .us contacting the new toy... .

Ahhhhh the flags I let fly by      

My ex said to me early in the relationship (we had a house landline when we moved in together) "If "blank" ever calls just give the phone to me and I'll "handle" it.  She DEFINITELY a did not want us talking!   God I was a fool.

[Perfidy]

The warning that I made was to the ex. Stay away. You stay away.

[downnout98]

My exBPDgf's ex husband actually gave me a hug as I was dropping his kids off one day. It was one of those hand shake to a quick hug to say hi. I originally thought it was because i was good with the kids and he was thanking me for it. Haha, now I know why. He was thanking me for taking the craziness of his wife away from him. Lol. I later found out that she had been harassing him and wouldn't leave him and his new girlfriend alone. Wow, I should have seen that as a red flag.

[rg1976]

I have one of her prospects phone numbers.

I am seriously considering texting from a Skype number the following:

Google: (Her name)(her town) arrest

Warning: She gets crazy in relationships.

This will bring up her arrest from 2 years ago with charges for burglary, aggrevated assault, possession of weapon in crime.

My therapist has advised me against this as she could find out and become violent against me, but it is oh so tempting.

What say you?

[Tim300]

I have one of her prospects phone numbers.

I am seriously considering texting from a Skype number the following:

Google: (Her name)(her town) arrest

Warning: She gets crazy in relationships.

This will bring up her arrest from 2 years ago with charges for burglary, aggrevated assault, possession of weapon in crime.

My therapist has advised me against this as she could find out and become violent against me, but it is oh so tempting.

What say you?

Seems like high cost with perhaps no benefit.  I would not do it no matter how tempting. 

[GBLAW]

I did. 

[Infared]

I did. 

... and?

[Infared]

I have one of her prospects phone numbers.

I am seriously considering texting from a Skype number the following:

Google: (Her name)(her town) arrest

Warning: She gets crazy in relationships.

This will bring up her arrest from 2 years ago with charges for burglary, aggrevated assault, possession of weapon in crime.

My therapist has advised me against this as she could find out and become violent against me, but it is oh so tempting.

What say you?

Seems like high cost with perhaps no benefit.  I would not do it no matter how tempting. 

+1000 

... .just more drama... .except you are causing it... .not them.

[BorisAcusio]

Well, it's none of your business.

[Tim300]

Well, it's none of your business.

I don't know if I'd think of it like this.  I think it's reasonable to want to warn a stranger about a danger ahead. 

However, I wouldn't try mess with a pwPBD -- don't try out psychopath a psychopath.  Also, warning one person isn't going to do much good, because the pwBPD will just find someone else to abuse -- there's an endless number of people on online dating sites.

[Mutt]

... .just more drama... .except you are causing it... .not them.

3 people with a pwPBD is likely going to create a karpman drama triangle.

She'll cast you in the role of persecutor and she shifts between roles; persecutor, rescuer, victim.

Boris has a good point.

What's going on between your ex and the other person is between them.

It's lose-lose.

[Infared]

... .just more drama... .except you are causing it... .not them.

3 people with a pwPBD is likely going to create a karpman drama triangle.

She'll cast you in the role of persecutor and she shifts between roles; persecutor, rescuer, victim.

Boris has a good point.

What's going on between your ex and the other person is between them.

It's lose-lose.

I agree with all of that Mutt... .I thought about "warning" this guy... .but, why would I want or care to take care of this guy?... .I had enough on my own plate. I did recognize (even though I was an emotional mess... .but in T and self help)... .that I had an underlying motive to destroy her relationship that she started while living with me.  It was soo low what she did... I had every reason to be angry... .I really fought that urge... .I could do nothing to "fix" things... .and I was soo frustrated at her candor and smugness (of course now she had new supply to prop her up, so she was soo mean and full of herself... it was awful)... .I was so depressed and confused... .but in the end I saw that it was not a good thing to do... .and of course she would have reveled in the self-centered drama she created that I would have just been adding to for her entertainment value.  It took me a while to understand that its "none of my business", but I am down with that today.  At the time I did not know anything about BPD... it all makes sense to me now.

[Gonzalo]

I'd love to, even just to tell him to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which would at least put him in a place to recognize what's going on. But I know what he's going to hear is the vindictive, selfish ex- trying to sabotage the beautiful new relationship he has with this amazing woman. She can easily spin a narrative painting me black if she wants, and she has backup. The people she's living with now believe I'm a thief who would have kept some borrowed furniture out of spite if she hadn't rescued it from me, and they plus a couple she's dating half of would happily circle wagons against me. I wouldn't have listened to much of anything her previous ex- tried to warn me about, so why would I expect someone else to?

[Mutt]

At the time I did not know anything about BPD... it all makes sense to me now.

A pwBPD have different persona's with different people.

I wouldn't have listened to much of anything her previous ex- tried to warn me about, so why would I expect someone else to?

The persona I see now is not the persona I saw in the r/s. If I were approached in the r/s I think I would have taken offense.

My ex and I ran into one of her ex boyfriends years ago in a convenience store. I heard of all of the terrible stories about him. She said he tried to pour gas on her, years later her daughter recounted a different story. They got into a fight, she was bleeding and was pushed down a set of stairs.

Dissociation is it's own system; reality changes often with my ex and I believe what my SD tells me.

I recall the look on his face and how she was panicked seeing him in the store and I thought I was her White Knight protecting her when in fact he was likely treated the same way I was? Split black and cut out of her life and likely was triggered and in pain.

That being said, I ran into her this month at a McDonald's and she was ordering food. The first time I ran into her by herself publicly in over 24 months.

I was in line behind her and she was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and she was avoiding me, couldn't look at me and likely ashamed of her actions. An 8 year relationship, married with children and she can't face me - a different persona.

We've all gone through terrible break-ups and I think it's a lesson that likely we had to learn by going through it.

[Infared]

At the time I did not know anything about BPD... it all makes sense to me now.

A pwBPD have different persona's with different people.

I wouldn't have listened to much of anything her previous ex- tried to warn me about, so why would I expect someone else to?

The persona I see now is not the persona I saw in the r/s. If I were approached in the r/s I think I would have taken offense.

My ex and I ran into one of her ex boyfriends years ago in a convenience store. I heard of all of the terrible stories about him. She said he tried to pour gas on her, years later her daughter recounted a different story. They got into a fight, she was bleeding and was pushed down a set of stairs.

Dissociation is it's own system; reality changes often with my ex and I believe what my SD tells me.

I recall the look on his face and how she was panicked seeing him in the store and I thought I was her White Knight protecting her when in fact he was likely treated the same way I was? Split black and cut out of her life and likely was triggered and in pain.

That being said, I ran into her this month at a McDonald's and she was ordering food. The first time I ran into her by herself publicly in over 24 months.

I was in line behind her and she was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and she was avoiding me, couldn't look at me and likely ashamed of her actions. An 8 year relationship, married with children and she can't face me - a different persona.

We've all gone through terrible break-ups and I think it's a lesson that likely we had to learn by going through it.

I think you are right... they are like chameleons. Different persona... .what ever plays best for them.  My ex always acted out with the replacement in front of me in a cruel way... .but now years later... .if she is alone she tries to walk up to me like nothing ever happened.  (she never acknowledged the betrayal and abandonment... .she says she never cheated... .which is a joke)... .I just have nothing to say... .can't have a phony conversation at my expense.  So I just move out... .I go... .no matter what. I feel that that is protecting me from a very sick person... .  I have had enough lies and pain. ... .and then the next day she could be playing "from here to eternity" infront of me with new supply.  No thanks.   

[Deeno02]

Nope. Im done with anything to do with her. My replacement is on his own. Ill save him a spot here.

[Trog]

I think aside from, "will they contact me again" or "they just contacted me" this is the top question.

Answer: No.

As much as I wish I'd never run into my exW she has taught me something about boundaries and hopefully im still young enough to capitalise on that and find someone new. So why would you rob someone who needs the education? If a person can not see my ex is trouble, then they probably need the experience. You can't save them that kind of hurt anyway. Everyone warned me, I ignored them all.

[Tim300]

I think aside from, "will they contact me again" or "they just contacted me" this is the top question.

Answer: No.

As much as I wish I'd never run into my exW she has taught me something about boundaries and hopefully im still young enough to capitalise on that and find someone new. So why would you rob someone who needs the education? If a person can not see my ex is trouble, then they probably need the experience. You can't save them that kind of hurt anyway. Everyone warned me, I ignored them all.

What kind of warning did you have?  Did they specifically say "Borderline Personality Disorder" and "you need to spend at least a few hours reading about this -- it is very serious"?

[fred6]

That being said, I ran into her this month at a McDonald's and she was ordering food. The first time I ran into her by herself publicly in over 24 months.

I was in line behind her and she was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and she was avoiding me, couldn't look at me and likely ashamed of her actions. An 8 year relationship, married with children and she can't face me - a different persona.

We've all gone through terrible break-ups and I think it's a lesson that likely we had to learn by going through it.

Just yesterday my 17yo daughter was telling me that she saw my ex at Walmart and that my ex looked away and quickly went down the next isle. My daughter needed some shampoo and had to go down that next isle also and then when my ex couldn't avoid her anymore, the ex started with, "Oh hey sweetie, how are you doing?" Didn't even mention me. I think that kind of pissed my daughter off. Well, that and trying to avoid her completely. It seems avoidance is these people's main way of dealing with things in life,

[Deeno02]

That being said, I ran into her this month at a McDonald's and she was ordering food. The first time I ran into her by herself publicly in over 24 months.

I was in line behind her and she was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and she was avoiding me, couldn't look at me and likely ashamed of her actions. An 8 year relationship, married with children and she can't face me - a different persona.

We've all gone through terrible break-ups and I think it's a lesson that likely we had to learn by going through it.

Just yesterday my 17yo daughter was telling me that she saw my ex at Walmart and that my ex looked away and quickly went down the next isle. My daughter needed some shampoo and had to go down that next isle also and then when my ex couldn't avoid her anymore, the ex started with, "Oh hey sweetie, how are you doing?" Didn't even mention me. I think that kind of pissed my daughter off. Well, that and trying to avoid her completely. It seems avoidance is these people's main way of dealing with things in life,

Looking forward to Volley ball season with her. Trying to take guesses on how I'm going to be avoided. Blah... .

[apollotech]

I would warn someone that I knew personally if I saw him becoming involved with my BPDexgf. A stranger, no. I also would not just tell him that "she's crazy." That type of warning, to me, seems like blaming. So, it would have to be a carefully thought out warning with examples of what to look for as the relationship progressed. Even during idealization you can give examples of this is what he/she did/said that will represent similarity between the broken relationship and the new relationship thereby building confidence between the warner and the warned.

If I had received the aforementioned type of warning in the initial stages of the failed relationship with my BPDexgf, I would have listened. Would that alone caused me to terminate the relationship, no. Would I have started looking for what I had been foretold was coming my way (forewarned about), yes indeed. Unfortunately, I was never forewarned and boarded the rollercoaster with a big smile on my face.

[fred6]

I would warn someone that I knew personally if I saw him becoming involved with my BPDexgf. A stranger, no. I also would not just tell him that "she's crazy." That type of warning, to me, seems like blaming. So, it would have to be a carefully thought out warning with examples of what to look for as the relationship progressed. Even during idealization you can give examples of this is what he/she did/said that will represent similarity between the broken relationship and the new relationship thereby building confidence between the warner and the warned.

If I had received the aforementioned type of warning in the initial stages of the failed relationship with my BPDexgf, I would have listened. Would that alone caused me to terminate the relationship, no. Would I have started looking for what I had been foretold was coming my way (forewarned about), yes indeed. Unfortunately, I was never forewarned and boarded the rollercoaster with a big smile on my face.

Actually, now that I think about it. I did get warnings that my ex was "crazy". Not from one of her ex's, but rather from male family members. Her son always told me she was crazy and still does. And her brother and step brother told me she was crazy in the 1st year of so of our relationship. I think everyone in the family knows there's something off with her but they just look the other way. It's really a shame too, because I really did like her family and we got along pretty well and we still do when I see them.