BPDFamily.com

Okay... . No contact means NO CONTACT.  I got it I got it!

I guess what might be happening is that by some faint chance, I might be actually "separating" the person from the BPD.  Her birthday is in 4 days (Sunday)  and I actually feel that I should not have contact this time or any time... . not even a greeting... . but on the other hand, I'm dying to recognize her and tell her happy birthday (as well as WONDER what that would trigger).  Damn, I'm answering my own questions here... . but I'm still scotch taped to her... . or rather... . scotch taped to what I envision we had... . the dream of us that really never was as good as the dream.  Almost like comparing a book to a movie.  So help me out here... . I'm sitting with my first cup of coffee and I am already, in my own opinion, treading where I should not go.

I hate this... . it's getting beautiful out and I have flashbacks of when we first met and started our online "courting".  So many memories to cloud my judgement and hinder me from moving on.  Throw me a line, I'm drowning again!

I get you. I felt this way... . but in four days... . its just another day now. That is your past. Your birthday is important to you. Hers is to be forgotten.

Its not easy ... . but those are the facts.  Those are VERY difficult days early on in separation... . but like you said... . NC means... . NO CONTACT... . for any reason. ANY.

Its messed up... . because all I got was abuse if I made any contact. Flash forward 2 years and she is still with replacement acting abusively in public when with him (like 7th graders), but if she is alone she is trying to walk up to me and talk like everything is just as it was.  Can you say Fruit Loop? It was all just really sick games.  

Try to fight though the F.O.G. and take care of you buddy.  Its hard work but that pain gives you growth ... . make contact and that pain takes you backwards.

We know. Right?

For me it was way worse than a death... . but we have to grieve the loss. We have no choice in the matter.  Tough facts. ... . but you CAN get through it!

Why do you feel like you are drowning? Sounds like your are grieving the loss of a relationship that you enjoyed to me. But I am interested in hearing more on your perspective.

My ex's birthday was in November. It was hard but I ignored it and kept busy. Why re-connect when you know it will bring you pain.

I just celebrated a major birthday in Cabo. I realized I need to take care of me. My birthday is important. And as mentioned, he is the PAST. N/C is the only thing that brings relief in the end. Making contact in my opinion is continuing the r/s and it is over.

Hey if you feel the need to wish a happy birthday mines on April 21st 

Mike-X, I love her, loved her... . don't care how you word it.  I know it's the illusion of what I wanted it to be, but I did fall in love with a person.  I often think of the criteria that would allow me to accept her back in my heart.  Therapy, commitment, truth/honesty, and if she didn't jump into the sack with anyone since.  I analyze the list in my head and I usually stop when I think of the embarrassment that she caused herself that she probably will never get over or acknowledge.  It's a screwy situation... . but if she showed up at my door (travelled 1300 miles) I would see some commitment on her part.  I dropped everything and moved to florida to be with her in HER life.  I gave nearly everything up in the hopes that I was going to be in the life that would last me for the rest of my days.  Far from. It all started with a spark and then a little more here and there and then finally the big "get the hell out of my life" kickoff.  So I'm still torn and tearing even as I write this to you.  I really want someone to bridge my gap... . someone that actually shows me how foolish I am to even entertain the thought that I would want her back.  I had such a good day yesterday... . thought very little of the "big grief", but I know damn well that it rears it's head at random times.

Happy Birthday in advance Mitatsu!  I'd probably feel better if you were female... . :-)  LOL

Sorry you're going through this torment. I can relate having just gone passed my uBPDw's birthday for the first time since NC a couple of days ago. I thought I was handling it well in the build up to it but the night before I got a massive migraine and shoulders froze up quite out of the blue. I would have loved to have sent her a card and good wishes and this would have been ok in a normal relationship but I think any form of contact would just be taken as bait for either me wanting to re-engage or evidence of me taunting her. No good could come from it. It is difficult but stay strong and recognize that NC means exactly that and that any form of contact has the potential to plunge you back into the chaos. Time is a healer as long as you use it well to care for yourself and work on yourself. If you're thinking of breaking NC then write a list of all the red flags and confusing or unacceptable things she did. Plan something for you to do on her birthday, get out the house and meet with people. It is just another day and it will pass. It is important to acknowledge that not recognizing her birthday does not make you a bad person. Stay strong! 

I definitely hear you, and I feel like I understand. If you stay strong and work on self-compassion and self-love, I believe that you will find that the good days will overshadow the big grief.

I definitely hear you, and I feel like I understand. If you stay strong and work on self-compassion and self-love, I believe that you will find that the good days will overshadow the big grief.[/quote]
Of course you understand. Everyone here does.  It's hell. Pure hell.  Yesterday was so damn good... . today has been very sad.  I just read a thread about Psalm to BPD... . I'm all broke up over that now.  DAMN hate this rollercoaster.  Really sucks.

What was the thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275043.0;topicseen

It is very nice. Thanks for sharing the link.

What about it affected you?

I related to it positively: I am a good guy who tried his hardest to keep the love going in the relationship and hopefully showed someone who has lived a terrible, empty life some really warm, loving, good times. Now I have the warm memories to reflect on. Unfortunately, in the end, the disorder was too much for either of us to bear, and I have to go through the process of detaching.

Of course, this is how I see it today. Tomorrow might be different.

My experience is: It's absolutely good to do nothing on a BPDex's birthday. It has nothing to do with revenge or giving them the silent treatment. It's about gaining your power over your own life back. Their birthday was just another day before we met them, but it was a day in our life. Everyday is a day in our life, and it's OUR life, not their life.

Speaking of birthdays, it's mine today! The big 25!

I secretly hope that my ex sends me a message, but I told her not to contact me and she has respected my wishes thus far.

Generally though, I think I feel at peace, but my anxiety has returned I and have found myself feeling pretty bummed at moments in the past week or so. All will pass, in time. Just need to figure some stuff out and eliminate her from my own perception of self-worth. Strange though, I'm moving close to 3 months out and thought that the worst had passed, but I guess that is just the nature of healing from these types or relationships (or any kind of relationship, for that matter).

And BOOM, there the message is from her, literally minutes after I posted that.

How do I feel about it, and what do I do now?

I'm not sure AND I'm not sure.

What a trip.

I hate to say this valet, but better you than me!  I will be passing by her birthday on Sunday... . the concensus is that it's not my concern... . and why should it be right?  Nothing was deemed special anymore with her... . if anything, our relationship should have been "precious" to her... . but I guess she saw more space in the kitchen garbage bag to drop it in to. 

Think about it:   I'm concerned with celebrating her BIRTH?

I guess I would be more positive celebrating her DEMISE. (yep, I worded it nicely).

Happy Birthday Valet!  You are a young whippersnapper!  LOL  Hope your day is good and someone gives you something that takes your mind off of "her".  :-)

Lol thanks man... .i think and hey i can strut a pair of slngbacks if you like 

Haha, yes. I responded in a very cordial way. If she tries to communicate further in a way that makes me uncomfortable, I will assert my boundaries as kindly as I can. I do want to be friends with her and think that this is possible, but I do not want to re-engage in any sort of romantic way. Let's see what happens though.

In a lot of ways I feel pretty lucky to have had the experience of dating her. Sometimes I second guess myself, as far as her behavior and what it means is concerned, but I'm fairly confident in my analyses. I think that I am on the right track to be being more emotionally aware and healthy. Mainly, I just wanna do the right thing and be a good person. My kindness and compassion will be extended to all.

I hope that I don't feel sad tomorrow, though. Anyways, thank you!

my exBPDfiancee's birthday was yesterday (five months to the day after she replaced me and moved across country with no warning). I paid my taxes, I stayed no contact. I talked to her former best friend (in whose upcoming wedding she was supposed to be maid of honor) to give me a little support in stying NC and not reaching out. Her response was "___ her." She too stayed NC for such. I am fine, I feel fine, that day is now just another day for me.

I love hearing stuff like this.  It seems that no matter how many people tell me to remain N/C, I feel like I just want to bail and go knock on her door and say: "here I am!".  I would be so disappointed if that ever happened... . she would slam the door in my face and just go exactly to the way she was.  That is my fantasy of what would happen.  No matter how many times I play EVERYTHING out in my head, it always ends in hurt, pain, disappointment, grief,  and the only part that ends of GREAT is just that very very very first moment when I see that face of hers.  Sometimes I think I do this to myself on purpose.  I just have such a hard time getting over the damn smile that I first saw at the airport on Oct 22, 2011.  The ponytail and bright eyes and smile... . that PERFECT kiss that she gave me and holding my hand and all that mushy stuff that has me hooked.  Damn I love her... . or the fantasy of her... . someone please kick my butt today... . I need it so bad.  I'm so hurting from stress, neck, all my joints, my friggin mouth is killing me... . I know I can get over all this.  I'm just over 32 days N/C and although it's just a number, I don't want to loose my progress.  Someone please distract me... .

Well... . if you want... . just come over to my house and ring the doorbell and I can beat you silly with a baseball bat. It would probably hurt less... . but it might knock some sense into you!  *)    Batter up!  LOL! (I know that the emotional pain is not funny... . but making fun of it sometimes is distracting... . especially when there is some measure of truth in the fun-making).

That was funny!  Reminds me of one day passing thru Pennsylvania, I had my bat in the backseat on the floor, I had a "racey" mustang at the time and I got pulled over.  I was going from Brooklyn to Central NY.  Fortunately I had a baseball glove in the back seat also... . because that trooper wanted my butt.  He detained me in nearly standstill traffic!  I sat with him no less than 20 min and then he let me go. 

OK... . I live in NJ.  ... . um... . so you were driving from Brooklyn to New York State and you are in Pennsylvania? Maybe he should have detained you... . Why didn't you just go to Arizona on your way there too?   LMAOFOTF!    I am dying to hear this explanation!   (hopefully this is distracting you! ).

Okay, the trip was from Brooklyn. Belt parkway, cross Verazzanno bridge, go thru jersey... . I think the routes were:  80 to 380 to 81 if I'm not mistaken (which I probably am.) But to get to Oswego NY from Brooklyn NY took me thru PA.  It was the fastest most direct route.  Normally up to 6 hours and 325 mi.  But I've done it in 4.5 hours in my Mustang. (with radar detector)

What model of Mustang?

It was an '86 with T-top.  5.0 with modifications.  Bought it that way, wish I still had it!

Nice! I have an 08 GT. It is currently broken, because I had too much fun with it, but I am moving it up the priority list to get it back on the road.   I have also been looking into buying an SN95 or Fox, maybe a convertible to cruise around in, at least until I get the 08 back up.

What do you think of the 2015s?

Haven't really followed vehicles lately, but I love mustangs.  Shelbys in particular.  Right now I have NOTHING.  The BPD ex made sure of that.  My brother had a '69 Shelby GT-500.  I was about 14 back then but I used to take it out when he went to work.  Was cammed blueprinted etx. Was a beast.  Now I am happy getting out of bed in the morning. Weird trade-off right?

Mine has been sitting broken since before my divorce and then through the relationship with the udxGF. I had hoped that the GF and I would work on it, but there was so "much" with the relationship that I never had the time to really work on it. I thought that it would be fun to get greasy together.

OK, let's run with the metaphors: what if you traded in the Scotch tape for Velcro, as you tread water, her attached to your ankle, pulling you down.  This is a sink or swim situation and you don't need a line; you can rip that Velcro strap off and swim for shore, although we're in a boat to make sure you make it.  Swim hard dude, let's see you show yourself how strong we all know you are.  Words be powerful... .

Nicely worded fromheeltoheal.  Right to tears... .I guess I'm not that strong yet... .but I'm certainly NOT going to go down with the "anchor".  This is how I worded it to a friend this morning... .

I can still see the good and bad of the r/s in my mind. I am kinda working on autopilot, because I fight my urges by following my mental itinerary. My mental itinerary is the knowledge that I should be moving forward not dwelling on what I cannot control nor can anything be fixed except for me.

I want to be back in her arms. But that would never work, It's like walking right back into what I left, and I would be devastated. Double edged sword.  And her birthday is tomorrow... .I thought it was Sunday but I was wrong. (who cares right?)

Well it's here!  It's her birthday.  I'm still alive!

On a serious note, I didn't know whether or not to "recognize" the birthday in my mind, but how could I not?  I prayed to God for her last night around midnight and left it in his hands. He knows how I feel and why I do what I do... . I fugured I couldn't get any better than that.  I did have wicked dreams of her last night... .I was chasing her down, couldn't get to her quick enuff to tell her that I loved her... .etc.  It was a different setting and even though it was her, it was someone else.  I remember feeling so broke up in my dream and maybe crying in there too.  In fact my eyes really hurt this morning as does everything else.  I am just going to MAKE IT THRU TODAY!  It's 8:30, and I'm headed to be with my son for at least the morning.  I'll keep busy and I'll TRY not to look anywhere that I might see something that might trigger me (FB).  Damn... .someone else said it too, I'm really starting to hate FB.  I wish all my friends here a peaceful day and nice weather and I'll get on here later and check in.  Keep your fingers crossed for me and I'll be praying for you all also. 

Enjoy the time with your son!

Sitting and waiting with him to get a tattoo. I'm kinda like a patient pet, you can bring me just about any where and as long as I have a seat and phone to keep me occupied I'm good.

Lol. Gotta love smart phones.

Yes, every one just whips out their phones!