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Since my xpwBPD traits left I've been nothing but nice overall however its gnawing in my gut she never got to hear the consequences of her behaviours and to be taken to task for her appalling behaviours

I'm tempted to fire her an email with facts about how she behaves and what she did

She can't Stand to be disliked or thought of as a "bad person" apart from making me feeling better for standing up for myself what would be the consequence in her mind and overall ?

There's a good chance she just might block you like she did on the phone.  Your can't act with her was "needy," and probably showed you in a very poor light.  She may find it flattering Ina sence you still pine for her but there is a strong chance as pathetic as well.  When you act out of a place of need with a pwBPD they may find it engulfing.

How would sending te email make you feel?

Do you think it would give you closure?

What is it your looking for?

Are you hoping this is the letter that gets through to her? Or is it to finally let out what you've been holding back?

Whenever I contacted my ex out of compulsion there was no response I found satisfying unless she was to own up to what she did and seek forgiveness but it just was never going to happen. 

I want my self respect back I want to hurt her I don't care if she replies your right she is a bully she only respects other bullies like her dad

I know she is afraid of me as well and I don't want the witch to get a pass

I've given her amole time to show remorse or compassion she won't

She already feels like a victim in a way it will justify her actions but it will also enrage her and like I said she can't bare the idea people hate or don't like her it will also give her anxiety good

If you want to p**s her off and guarantee NC, then go right ahead. If you want her to learn from her behaviours and ultimately be your 'friend' or re-engage then you'll need a different tactic.

I think I want both she won't learn though and I doubt she will reengage she never has with any x part from on FB when they added her

You can lead a horse to water... .

dobie your self respect is self given mate... .chalk it up grow yourself and have pity for the shell of a ex you left behind... .you dont have to live in her head and thats a blessing

the worst thing for a BPD is to be ignored... .to become invisible

they THRIVE on attention, positive or negative

no contact of any kind + stoic indifference if you should run into her = BPD kryptonite

that's exactly what she wants me to ignore her so she can completely forget me

she cant stand to be disliked that's her kryptonite

Dobie, how long were you and your ex together?

Dobie, sending an email won't give you your self-respect back. Nothing she does will do that. You say she is a bully, but then turn around and say she is afraid of you. Sending her an email telling her off AFTER she has asked you to leave her alone is you bullying her. And you cannot make a person feel remorse or compassion.

Further, you have absolutely no way of knowing how she will respond. But I can tell you this, as soon as you send it, you're going to be on these boards telling us how you shouldn't have done it and how badly you feel and you should send her a note apologizing that you didn't mean it. And frankly, that will make you look like a crackpot.

If you have a conscience, it will bother you to send an email like the one you are describing. And your conscience will get the best of you.

Your ex has asked you to leave her alone for now. Continuing to try to engage her by getting even with your words or asking her why, why, why are going to create a situation for her that fells like you are harassing her. And she could file a restraining order. You can't get someone to do what you want just because you think it should be different.

I know all the things you say she's said to you. At this time, it appears she doesn't want you to bother her. You need to respect that regardless. Even if she has said or done things differently in the past, you can't control her. And it sounds like if you persist, she could call the police on you. No woman wants a boyfriend who appears to stalk them, and your actions toward her, should they continue will only serve to drive her further from you and make you feel worse than you do now. With the added bonus of a restraining order.

There is a a saying: "revenge is a dish best served cold." What that means is that if you wait to exact revenge when you are in a calm place (hence the cold, as opposed to white hot from anger), you will find that you don't need revenge.

Dobie, I know you want so much to contact her, and I really do feel you, man.  But you really must try and understand that you are not able to help her right now.  You are only going to make things worse by contacting her.  This is because you are a trigger, and she can't deal with the emotional fallout of hearing from you.  This is not your fault in any way, dobie, and I am so sorry that this is happening to you.  Truly.  But you must realize that this is the case.  The more you contact her, the more you are going to push her away and the more likely she will split you black in order to cope with her pain.  I know this sucks, man.  And I know it hurts.   :'(

It is also not recommended that we tell someone that they have BPD, and one of the major reasons for this is that pwBPD already have profound shame about themselves.  Often, they are not able to process what we are saying as helpful and encouraging and will interpret it as further invalidation and shame.  There is a good article (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy) on the site about that.  The best thing that we can do is to try and help steer them into therapy where a trained professional can help them to learn more about themselves.  But we can't even do that when our exes are triggered and we are the trigger... .

Edit:  Reading further, it sounds like you might want revenge more than helping.  Let's explore that.  Why do you want revenge?  Why do you feel like you feel like you have lost your self respect?

Telling her those things plays right into the disorder. BPD IS a persecution complex. She expects to be punished.

I think member 2010 said it best, Why not to write a blame letter:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=123984.msg1221875#msg1221875 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=123984.msg1221875#msg1221875)

Dobie, read this.  Excellent advice, Copperfox.

Newtothis : it would be seven years this month

Cosmo :

because she used me for a year (admitted it)

because she trashed my bday

because she left me in debt

because she lied and cheated

because she showed no remorse

because she admitted to distancing herself from my loving family for a year

because she told me she does not need me

because she devalued me

because she took and never hardly gave

because she withheld sex

because all she ever cared about after leaving was her and how much money she had spent on us

because all she did was accuse me of caring about money (projection)

because she dragged me to wedding venues knowing it was not to happen

because she made me give up the hobby i loved

because she always set me up to fail 

 

could go on ... .

why do i feel like i lost myself respect?

because i pandered to her , because i made umpteen excuses because i bent over backwards to be supportive and make her happy because after all she did i emailed her to tel her i adore her love her and forgive her and she blanked it

because she deserves nothing but  contempt and disdain

Beware of the witch my friend. You are stuck in Oz with her. Your true home though is back in Kansas with Toto. Toto is the one who will always love you. Click the heels of your ruby red slippers... . um... . (red work boots) together three times and say "There's no place like home".

There's no place like home... .There's no place like home... .There's no place like home... . 

Hurting her wouldn't make you respect yourself more, would it?

Becoming a bully wouldn't be being who you really are, would it?

Continuing to hang on to this isn't helping you let go, is it?

What are some of the healthier ways you can process this?

I'd feel better knowing she feels crap tbh

I don't think its fair someone can just behave like that and get a pass remember I'm not a 100%  sure she has BPD she could just be a selfish immature user with anxious paranoia and low mood etc hence not mentally I'll aware of her actions and the ramifications on others

Even if you send her an email telling her all these things, you have no idea or guarantee how she will feel. Plus, as I said earlier, YOU will have the added benefit of feeling badly about yourself. Since you don't have an emotional disorder, but a conscience, initially you may feel better, but in the long run YOU will be the one feeling like crap. Trust me in this. I told off my ex, was fine for a few days and then it killed me that I behaved in a way totally uncharacteristic of me and my values. The guilt was overwhelming. Think you won't feel that way? You will. And then you're going to want to engage her again to apologize, ad infintum.

She is finished. Even if you tell her off, she is still going to be finished. That will not change. And she is choosing not to engage you anymore. If you persist you are only creating bad outcomes for yourself. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't want you to hurt yourself any more than you've already been hurt.

in reality, this is the crux of the issue^^

why did you email her and tell her this?  as you said, why did you pander and make excuses for her?

she showed you MANY MANY times she was a dangerous, poisonous, cobra, and she bit you MANY MANY times... .

... .and yet, you kept reaching back into the cage to attempt to handle this evil viper... .why?

what you may find is the 'contempt and disdain' is actually what you feel towards yourself, however hard that may be to admit... .

you stayed... .over and over and over and over again... .figure out exactly why you did, and watch all of the feelings towards her (love, hate, revenge, longing, etc) begin to disappear... .forever!   |iiii

So doobie you have identified your anger this is good.

That you need you ex to access what's behind the veil to feel those good parts of yourself is the illusion.  Like in the matrix, "there is no soon."   Our own narcissm fools us into wanting to contact our ex to split our painful emotions into an, "other." To be able to begone with the pain but it's in that pain that those wonderful parts of yourself you felt through your ex lay like lost treasure within you. 

That person you are upset with isn't even Her it's the parts of your own self that are overwhelmingly painfull to acess. 

THERE IS NO SPOON

Lean into the pain!

It certainly sounds like you have a lot to be justifiably angry about, dobie.  How do you think that getting revenge on her will resolve that anger?  Will it undo the hurt that has been caused?  Is there a better way to address that hurt directly?  At its source?

It sounds like you have some anger at yourself too - that you feel like you allowed yourself to be used.  Could it be that you simply loved someone that was sick?  That you didn't actually do anything wrong?  That this isn't your fault?

Justice Cosmo . I don't know how to address the hurts there's so much

Yes I do have anger at myself for seeing the signs from day one and ignoring it thinking I was immune from her wiles .

I don't know if she is sick or just evil Cosmo that's what's tearing me in two compassion versus revenge

How ? 

I don't know I don't know why I need the love of this selfish woman I need her to make me feel I'm worth something I guess that her love was real that I am what she adored that I am lovable   :'(

I understand.  You have indeed had real injustice done to you.  It's natural to want to have that righted in some way.  Can you understand that she is not doing this distancing to hurt you?  This is her attempting to save herself in a very disordered way.  Yes, she is not considering you feelings, but she is not seeking to ruin you.  I honestly don't believe that is her intent.  She is so overwhelmed with emotion right now, that she can't handle the thought of you, let alone seeing or talking to you.  She is shutting down, because she hurts and because she feels ashamed.

It's also so, so important to realize, dobie, that this is not your fault.  You did not cause this breakdown in the relationship.  Sure, maybe you didn't head the red flags, but that's true of ALL of us here.  The honeymoon, idealization phase of the relationship is an incredible experience - probably the highlight of my life, to be honest.  Maybe it was for you too.  Member 2010 had some really good insights for you in your other thread.  What do you think about your feelings of being "returned to the same"?  Another post (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225332.msg12432403#msg12432403) of 2010's that really spoke to me, says in part:


Does that speak to you?  Did you feel like you had your voice heard for the first time?  Losing that is extremely hard.  I know that I have felt that way, and I am sure that has contributed to how hard this loss has been.

I did feel like I was heard and understood and really appreciated for the first time yes Cosmo members 2010 post was very insightful

I was raised by an emotionaly distant mother( not a NARC think more autistic)

I understand her distancing or the mechanics behind it but where does one draw the line Cosmo ? She had been PURPOSEFULLY doing this for a year building her case against me , testing me without my knowledge increasing her paranoia by triangulating with her father . blaming me for her sadness

That smacks of planning , foresight , cunning and user like nature not the rapid and sudden BU and diapering act that other members have had to suffer which implies real mental illness .

Put it like this if she had no friends and her family shunned her I can guarantee 100% she would never had left or would be back .

She knows I love her she knows my nature is to forgive but she does not want my forgiveness in her mind she has done no or little wrong

Yes I feel like I was close to getting everything the girl the kids the life and now I'm back to square one with depression therapy so yes back to the same but now I'm 38 instead of 30-31

Honestly lean into the pain it will lead you inward. 

Some practices like mindfulness can help you to find comfort within the discomfort but it is in those uncomfortable parts of ourself that the answers dwel.  Not me or anyone can really do it for you their is no magic pill or clear cut set of rules.  Just feel the pain and don't attach a story to it let observe the thoughts and ruminations come and go. 

If you insist on making it about your ex, which I did also for a while understand the disorder put in the effort and read the clinical stuff. 

But really for myself understanding splitting has been life changing! 

Dobie,

I feel your pain. I wrote a 3 page letter 2 days ago. I could not sleep. It has been beautiful out and I miss him. I wanted to let him know how much he hurt me and to let him know I knew about the cheating. I wanted to tell him that we were done and that the timeshare we own I want to buy him out of. Actually, the business letter was one page and then the personal one was 3 pages.

I am not looking for a response. I know he will read it with his chest pumped up and say, "oh, she wants me." Not what I am looking for. I am looking for a way to uncork all of the rumination and say my side. I want it off my chest.

Ultimately, dobie, we can't know exactly what is going on with our ex.  I completely understand the need to try and understand what happened, especially when it is something this crazy.  I can't know if your ex is BPD or not - none of us can.  You are the only one that knows her, and you are the one that can make the best guess about it.  I would trust your gut.  Listen to it.  If it says she probably has BPD, I wouldn't fight and overthink that.  But, we still have to admit it is just an educated guess.  We simply can't know for any certainty.  So, while I completely understand that we need to try and figure out what is going on with our ex, at some point we have to just accept that there is a large degree of unknown.  This is part of where radical acceptance comes in.

We will never know for certain what your ex was thinking and feeling all of those months.  If we give her the benefit of the doubt (and I'm not saying this is definitely the case), it may be that what looks like a very systematic scheme was actually deeply impulsive.  It was the product of the push/pull behaviors of BPD.  She probably felt deeply conflicted during this time as she both wanted desperately for you to love her and to be close to you, but also feeling engulfed and afraid and wanting to push you away.  As the storms of her emotions increased in intensity, she began to lash out at the only cause she could see: you.  She doesn't understand that you are not the one putting these things in her head, but she can't see that.  It is very real to her that this is something happening and something she can't control and so she assumes it must be coming from another source.  So, all of the primitive coping mechanisms kick in to help to protect herself from all of this pain and shame that she feels.  It may look very much like she is doing this systematically and purposefully to hurt you, but it is really something that is done very impulsively in desperation.  Can you think of times when she would be doing this pushing away and then suddenly she would stop and everything would be right again?  That would be a pretty big indication that this is something that is very impulsive, moment to moment.

That's not to say that pwBPD don't try to hurt us sometimes.  They can, and certain pwBPD (the "acting out" types - the witch and queen archetypes) are much more common to do this.  It is my belief, however, that pwBPD do this not to destroy us or even really with the primary goal to hurt us, but to get us to see how much THEY are hurt.  They are emotionally little children.  Little children hit their brother or throw their toys at mommy.  Do they mean to do this?  Yes.  Do they mean to seriously hurt their brother or mommy?  Not really.  They just want to show their brother how angry and hurt they are that he took their toy, or how angry and hurt they are that mommy won't let them keep playing and is making them take a bath.  pwBPD are no sociopaths.  They don't derive any pleasure from hurting us.  They are doing it because they don't know what else to do.  They don't have any higher level coping mechanisms.

I really do understand your anger, dobie.  I feel it too.  What was done to you was WRONG.  It was.  There is no excusing the behavior.  But can you see that your ex may not have really intended to hurt you like this?   Indeed, that she may not even REALIZE that she has hurt you like this?

Thanks Cosmo love your posts man they always make me think and bring comfort

all I know is from day one there were problems she was never happy about something , as the years wore on I became the focus for a lot of this I was always soothing her about something or putting up with her temper tantrums her fears and anxieties her difficult personality . I felt honestly from day one something was not right something was missing but her intelligence and her mirroring of my likes and idealisation hooked the more immature selfish dobie

Her paranoia I was going to quit my job  or only caring because of her high income (six figures)

She kept saying to me as her life started to get better work, family friends

"Why am I still not happy"  

I lost her trust over the last 12-18 months she told me via my bro  she loved me but was not in love with me for that time but was hoping things would get better and was a coward and scared to leave out of comfort and security

She was deff trying to distance herself as evidenced by detaching from my family


I saw her go from happy and elated to morose and depressed in a matter of seconds a number of times .

She went from scared child in the first 4-5 years to angry willfull queen at least more so .

I know I had to text her every day while at work or she would accuse me of not caring , ignoring her or cheating . I know she accused me on my days off of "bringing woman back'

I know when I went out and didn't check in I got accused of cheating .

I know I went for a drink with my married overweight middle aged boss and she accused

me of fancying her .

I know if I didn't smile when I saw her I would be blamed

I know when I was a dick she loved me more but when I grew up in a lot of ways and became loving , thoughtful caring and responsible she became less loving and more disgusted by me .

I sense she felt engulfed hence her relief at leaving and her comments she needs to find out who she is (implying all her ideas are mine )

I know she could never give 50/50 emotionally it was always more about her and her needs .

I know she is easily lead and when her abusive PPD / aspd father got involved and triangulated the paranoia , anxiety and accusations would come out I used to dread her going to see him because it meant hell for me after .

I know it was almost always me apologising to keep the peace

I know she has a habit of using people she admited this with her last bf same thing I should have left years ago but I stayed out of  " need" she only wanted him because he was a "nice guy" and her last bf cheated on her and she wanted to finish her law degree .

I know she feels and righlty so she is second fiddle to her younger sister and that growing up they put a lot of burdens on her as well as emotional abuse from her alcoholic dad .


Ergo sum

Paranoid

Distrusting

Childish

Victim mentality

Idealisation

Anxious

Weak sense of self

Low mood

Over sensitive

Black & white thinking "you always you never"

Low self esteem

Sense of being boring and empty

Easily lead

Resentment

Selfish

Demanding

Passive aggression

I know she told she felt safe when I slept next to her.  in a lot of ways I pushed her away the last 6-12 months not sleeping in the same bed most nights ... .


Every BPD trait pretty much but I never saw extreme push/pull behaviours

I know she spent the last 6 weeks of the BU in her room and didn't want to sit with me after work .


I know she went on holiday to find out if she missed me with her new bf as a way of testing her feelings (she didn't miss me)

I know she now wants to party and have fun

If its not BPD than its her blaming me for her unhappiness her lack of trust and anxiety  thinking I'm the problem and projecting onto me but being too immature to own her behaviours and her happiness .


I'm just tired of it all Cosmo I want her back or I want to fully detach and move on and be happy this limbo I'm in sucks bro










 

You have lots of good insights here about your ex and your relationship, dobie!   |iiii

I can see some evidence of push/pull in the behaviors you have posted here.  It does sound like there were times she wanted to be very close to you (clingy even), and times when she wanted to be very distant from you.  It doesn't have to be extreme necessarily.  Can you see this pattern if you look through what you wrote again?


I understand.  I really have felt most of what you do.  I still do in some ways.  There is only one of the two goals you listed above that you yourself have control over, and that's to try and move on.  I know you are still in love with your ex, and you want her back.  That's ok.  I am the same.  But we can still let go, and let go with love.  We can wish them every happiness and hope that they are able to finally come to grips with their disorder.  But this is something they have to do on their own.  If she comes back, then you can decide what you want to do.  But for now, the only choice you can make is to move on or not move on.  That's the only way you can leave the limbo you are currently in.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to focus on yourself.  Work out, eat right, get enough sleep, go to therapy, pray, read about abandonment and abandonment recovery, socialize more with friends and family, and spend time reflecting on yourself.  These are all things that you can control and these are what will help us to break out of the limbo we are in.

It was her confessions that hurt the most Cosmo


I don't love you have not for a year or so

We have become friends and I don't need you I have friends now

As the wedding and house purchase drew nearer I knew I had to end it

I was just hoping things would get better

You deserve a sex life but when someone's not happy they don't want sex

I was not excited when we got the offer for the house

I haven't cared about your job for over a year

I didnt want to stay out of security or comfort

And all the resentment she spewed over money

I could have done us for a year or two more but knew it would be worse after we were married or bought the house

If I saw you I would have come back for 1-2 years

I've purposefully distanced myself from your family for a year

We bicker all the time

When's the last time we passionately kissed (true I didn't want to sick of her treatment of me )

I'm sick of carrying you (financially)

You never want to do anything (exegeration) and moan (exegeration) grey lies



The above is all true cosmo she was conflicted to stay or go but the above is true 100% does that sound like BPD or rather just a selfish user and coward with anxiety and trust issues ?

She has admitted to being in a three year r/s for security and stability knowing she was never going to marry her ex and that she stopped finding him attractive after three weeks!

Those are really hurtful things to hear.  I'm sorry, dobie.  I can certainly understand why those were so painful for you, and why you keep thinking of them.   :'(

As I've said though, ultimately we can't know for certain if your ex has BPD.  I am certainly not qualified to diagnose the disorder either.  I would say that from what you've said there are certainly some BPD traits.  I know this is a very important question to you, but I just can't give you an honest answer.  And, because I'm being completely honest with you, I am not sure that you will ever be able to definitively answer it either.  You may have to just accept that there is some degree of unknown here.  Trust your gut.  You must suspect that she is BPD since you have been here for several months.  I would go with that.  Ultimately, what really matters is healing.

The thing I really, really want you to understand, though, is that this is not your fault.  Truly.  This is not your fault.  You did not cause this disorder, and you are not responsible for the relationship ending.  No matter what mistakes you made.  Healthy relationships are able to work though problems.  If a partner makes a mistake, they can work it out with their partner and make amends for it.  That happens all the time.  But a pwBPD can't do that.  They aren't able.  That's not their fault, but it is reality.  What really causes a breakdown of a BPD relationship are the out of control emotions and inability to soothe those emotions.  It is the yoyoing between fears of abandonment and fears of engulfment.  Eventually this leads to the non leaving the relationship because they can no longer tolerate it, or the pwBPD ends the relationships due to the overwhelming pain and shame that they are feeling.  Can you see that this is not your fault?  No matter what your ex claimed were her reasons, and she may sincerely believe them, the disorder is what broke down the relationship.  You tried as best as you could against that, but unfortunately love can't cure the disorder.  And that's not your fault.

Thanks Cosmo yes her actions and behaviours are not healthy or normal for a 30 year old woman that is true I've seen more maturity and compassion from gfs when I was 18!

She was always worried I'd screw her over with the house , leave her to pay the mortgage , worried I'd take her money or only loved her mainly for her money I guess that could be her abandonment fear as well as mild form of distrust I would cheat on her


Engulfment was her wanting to go the last year or so but not having a strong enough sense of self to do it hence the I would have come back if I saw you , your personality is very strong and convincing . I don't know who I am I want to find myself all my ideas are your ideas


Things I could have done that I think I'm guilty of Cosmo

Slept in the same bed (but I used to like to read and she would chuck me out or rage before bed )

Not pandered to her not tried to fix her problems

Understand her fears about money and security better and be more pro active with my career

Kissed her passionately its true I can't remember the last time I did or wanted to

Had more fun , come up with ideas and places to go I did leave this to her but I was so burnt out

Not let her incite me to lose my temper constantly (T thinks this is one of the main dynamics of the r/s allowing me to keep a part of me alive )

Not spewed hatred for her father he deserved it the scum bag but its still her dad

I hold my hand up to all those things 

Dobie,

I have that feeling as well. I find myself ruminating to the point where I wish I would just STOP!

Only the other day I was going to start a topic asking fellow bpdfamily members for advice.

I thought I hit a stage of accepting all she had done and said to me. A few days ago, heck even 5 mind ago, I wanted to send her an email. Letting her know that I know about EVERYTHING, but that more importantly I loved her and cared for her at one point so I hope that she finds what she is looking for in life etc etc. It's like my mind is trying to find ways to tell her about herself. As if, playing tricks on me and trying to get me to contact her using so many different reasons.

Perhaps I just have to accept that it's not my mind which yearns for it but maybe my heart.

Perhaps it's my ego and sense of self worth.

Ultimately, these girls (I would say women but that implies some kind of maturity!) placed us on a pedestal. Then when we got to a stage where we saw our on self worth through their eyes, they tore us down. And not just tore us down, but they revelled in tearing us down.

I know what you mean about, is it the illness? Is it just that they are cruel? For example, my ex was extremely self aware. She was aware that her emotions had shut off, and she boasted about it. She was proud of the way she felt nothing. When I told her that it's not normal and offered to help? "I'm happy with the way I am. It's for the best." In reality, her emotions hadn't just shut off for everyone and everything though as she claimed, because if they did, she wouldn't have been texting her abusive uNPDexbf telling him that she wanted to be with him. So I know what you mean. How much of that is illness and how much of all of that is called being a b****? I know all my friends and family that know of her would go for the later! Me? Well, I go half and half. Here's why... .

I think to a certain extent, our exes may have known about their cold and cruel nature (I know mine certainly was!) but they excepted that that is who they are, and were in a way, proud of it. They may feel that this "ability" to shut off/be so cold is to their benefit and in some respects it is. I mean, we're on this board whilst they probably live their life thinking about what to do next in life, as if we never existed. Whilst we try to do what is next with a lead weight within us.

The sad reality is though Dobie, and maybe you have seen it at times, they live a truly miserable existence. They don't understand why they are the way they are. They don't understand that they feel this way because of possible unresolved childhood traumas. They don't understand that the very thing that makes them cold and able to walk away so easily is in actuality the reason for the hole they feel within themselves. They don't understand that even if they think having a child will fill that hole, they will pass it onto their child and so the cycle continues.

I remember my ex said to me "I hope I always feel like this [cold and disassociative]." My reply "I hope I never do, it's a terrible sad state to live in." And I have lived it! It truly is awful.

Hit me up with a PM any time you want Bro. Much love and stay strong!

Mistrust is a major issue for pwBPD.


You did the best you could in the relationship, dobie.  It was obviously a very tumultuous and confusing time for you, and you coped the best you could.

These are all things that you can work on for the future, though.  And that's the goal now:  working on ourselves.   |iiii

Thanks bro yes this is true she can never be truly happy she fears it the best she can achieve is moments of happiness most of the time she is anxious / dysrythmic

And or just numb as she screamed at me once "you have given me moments of intense happiness" she has very little skills for introspection.  once when I suggested she may be depressed she got defensive so for her it will ALAWYS be someone or some things fault she feels like she does .

She thinks she can find happiness in distractions but true happiness I.e contentment can't be found in others , experiences or things as we all know its an inside job .

Blame and anger are her shields from facing up to her childhood traumas  

Yes I truly know I want her to tell me she is sorry   she cares we had wonderful times , she loved me very much she still values me and wants to stay in touch but I know to do that she would need to be healthy and sane she is neither

Funny that was her next idea to have a child to make her fill content she has very little in the way of maternal skills so I can only imagine how screwed up that kid will be

Using people who love you is not a recipe for a happy life I can only imagine the type of man she ends up with probably a NARC a doormat will bore her .

This is all so sad and just how I feel. They pull away and distance themselves and there is nothing we can do. It can drive you crazy with the push/pull. I am so very lonely and confused. I read and it does not help.

When they refuse to have sex with you it is painful. Mine said, I just not into it anymore. Hugged the edge of the bed as we got closer to commitment. Many of what your ex said Dobie mine said too. :'(

We have to let them go. They don't really love us and that is what hurts.

Mine did try she changed her pill but she just lost her sex drive over the years still felt horny enough to masterbate though

I feel like a fool all the love and energy all the times I was there I gave everything to the r/s and her and she gets to walk away laughing while feeling like she is the mature one lol and a "victim" lol

I'm bitter and angry I was just deleting some of her comments on my FB and poems she sent me over the last year "I'm  a lucky girl etc xxx " 

My compassion and excuses for her are waning thin ... . I need to fix me and never ever remember anything about her

She is a ruthless selfish evil person

I'm tired of making excuses for her I've been doing it for years she is an ugly soul

I hope she has a miserable life until she learns to treat people better  

Poem she sent me in June when supposedly she loved but was not in love with me .

RISKS

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,

To weep is to risk being called sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.

To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,

To live is to risk dying,

To hope is to risk despair,

To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.

Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.

Only the person who risks is truly free.