BPDFamily.com

So I'm safely in the hotel. She should be landing soon.

Biggest stressor of the day? Trying to load music onto my iPod. It just wouldn't sync. So I guess if that's the worst part of my day, it's a decent day.

Left the financial forms on the kitchen table... .What I make, my expenses, my investments. I've heard that it's important to keep the issue alive to prevent the stbx from feeling there's a chance.

The boss let me take the week off. This motel room sucks, but I've got some new music to listen to.

Anyway... .I'm feeling serene despite the impending chaos ahead. I won't see her until a church service one night later in the week. So our first intro will be in public. I'll master the voice recorder by then.

Hope you all enjoy the updates. Hopefully I'll be able to type up some lessons learned afterwards.

Gomez

Hi Gomez I just want to say that you seem to be handling things very well.

What are your plans for the week off?

Sitting around in the hotel could be counter productive as you have too much time to think. Is there anything that youve always wanted to do but havent been able to?  I went away on holiday and learnt to scuba dive. Having a distraction is a great stress relief.

Sleep without an alarm clock.

A few doc appts that were already on the schedule.

Check out some rooms for rent in case mediation fails, or she refuses to cooperate in the process.

And my new music. Which I'm enjoying now.

Gomez

I think your idea of writing a summary of events is a good one. What you did and what you could have done differently. A sort of BPD divorce survival guide.

And I'll have enough posts on here to use for research. Plus I've been using evernote... .Great app for note taking.

Gomez

... .and she just invited me to dinner tomorrow night, via e-mail.

Public place. I'll return to the motel afterwards.

I hate being put into positions to reject her -- because if I said no shed feel the rejection.

She was nice about thanking me for cleaning up the pad, clean sheets on the bed... .But last time she was away for a month I did the same, and she said the same thing. Until a day or two later when she went overboard with the criticism of my dusting technique. (Hint: I don't dust). She actually said the house was disgusting.

I'm still filing for divorce. But I'll go and be civil at her favorite Thai place tomorrow night.

Gomez

I found a notebook that I wrote down everything when I split from my ex wife. It was shocking looking back at how bad I was and how much she did. Lots of little and big things that really messed with me.  

Which is why the marriage has to end. I am not strong enough to set/enforce boundaries, and this is the wrong environment to learn. I cannot expect her to change, and I can't do this.

I'm really broken right now. I'm a mess. I'm surviving by staying in "spreadsheet mode" -- and focusing on the next steps in a detached, unemotional manner. I need this over so I can grieve and heal.

Continuing to try means scabs she pick at... .It's what she does.

Gomez

Seriously, every time I wonder if I can really pull the trigger, I add about $10K to what I'm willing to give her.

I can make more money... .I can't make more time.

Gomez

You do have to go into survival mode. I know how easy it is to hand them everything just to get it over with. You need to find a balance with what your comfortable with giving them and how long it will drag out. Im sure youve worked out how much she is entitled to. This figure and a figure the pwBPD has in mind are miles apart. They have an unfathomable sense of entitlement. This is where her lawyers come in. If you make her a reasonable offer above what she is entitled to and say its that or the courts then she will want more. Its then up to her lawyer to get her to have a reality check. Im sure the more her lawyer deals with her the quicker he will want her to settle.

You have to think long term. How far back do you want to put your plans? Remember you are up against childish behaviour and even though you dont like to say no to a child sometimes they have to have a reality check.

... .and she cancelled dinner, because she isn't feeling well.

Almost predictable.

Might see her tmw at a church service. Unless she's still not feeling well.

I know her anxiety cheated physical symptoms. I try to be supportive, but I don't know how to support without enabling. And enabling makes things worse.

I'm going to relax s bit. I might see what some friends are doing tonight.

Gomez