BPDFamily.com

I'm finding that BPDh seems to be using things he learns in DBT to blame me. Which is odd because I know he learned in DBT to judge less, blame less, work on mindfulness. He's started to use words like validate and invalidate. It's funny because all of us here know most of this terminology already.

What is disturbing though is that instead of working on all this, he seems to be projecting it as blame towards ME. After our MC tonight, I asked him in what specific ways he'd like me to "have his back", because we touched on that in MC, but BPDh didn't give me specific examples. Of course, he gives an example that wasn't of me having his back, it was about his kids, which we've agreed I'll stay out of that situation. Then he goes off about me not validating him, which is hilarious, as I try to validate him a LOT, and try to use the tools I've learned here. It's just interesting how BPD allows them to perceive things as exactly the opposite at times? He seems to make my validating into invalidation.

He's made some progress in DBT, but this worries me that he now seems to be using what he learns to examine ME, and not his own behaviors? It feels like he is majorly projecting onto me? I try hard to validate his feelings, not validate the invalid, and now I get this? I've lived with having him invalidate most everything towards me, clear down to my feelings and opinions, and his focus is again on HIM needing more?

If he hasn't even noticed all the validation, why keep doing it? So discouraging.

Also, he uses the term validate and invalidate, but I'm getting the sense that he may not really realize what that means. Just like how when I asked him how he wanted me to "have his back" he gave me some weirdness about not wanting me to feel a certain way when he spends time with his kids who hate me. Uhm, he doesn't get to tell me how to feel! In a way, it's almost like he has a comprehension issue at times, although he is smart.

I wonder if I should ask him what "validate" means to him? He may be feeling invalidated, because to him, that just means I have to agree with him on everything, which is sort of the sense I got from our short conversation about it.

Honestly... .I wouldn't be surprised if this is common in the beginning.

First of all during a fight, my pwBPD told me that he wishes I was more 'mindful' and 'self aware' and I just stared at him and almost laughed out loud. I did ask, what do those words mean to you.

Then he also implied that if I know anything about BPD, I should be able to understand and excuse all of his behaviors. Again... .That's not quite how it works.

I'd say, it takes time to understand these concepts. These might simply be things that he's never considered so it's hard for him to recognise it. He's expecting you to be his primary experiment in validation and wants to project what he is learning onto you? As in he is still not capable of admitting blame for anything and thus needs a scapegoat.

With time, that might change slowly. Just be patient. And come back here to lay out your frustrations. No one understands better than people here. :)

I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only spouse whose BPD starts using DBT terminology. My husband also has talked about "mindfulness". Of course none of these terms are new to us, but it is bizarre having BPDh actually say them. I do know he only half reads the things his DBT therapist prints off for him. If it were me, I'd be reading and rereading it.

I certainly to hope he gets to the point where he isn't using what he learns to project onto me. Of course he always did that, but I sort of thought "mindfulness", and learning not to judge would help with that. I was forewarned though that there would be highs and low while he takes DBT... .