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Been seeing a younger, attractive woman for 2.5 months. I am 40, she is 25.

I am a single dad who has his son about 10 days a month.

Rather quickly she wanted to move in with me. Asked for a key... very sexual... No drugs, no drinking, loved to cook for me. This seemed great after being alone for a good 9 months after divorce. I dated buy lived alone.

Things I noticed.

A. If my son was here, she would go to her grandmas. Wanted nothing to do with my son. He is 4. Rarely she was here for a few minutes while he was, and she would not even say hello.

B. When asking her where she goes, what she does etc, was always extremely secretive. I would simply not get an answer...

C. Went through my phone, and downloaded everything onto her phone somehow. I also caught her stalking me while doing a drop off and pick up with my ex wife. She said I should be happy she cares so much to follow me and stalk.

D. Nightly drama. i could not sleep. She would have to sleep basically on top of me. if I moved away a few inches she would act like she is moving out, go sit in her car, start packing her things etc. nightly.

E. Started to put down my ex wife and call her names. They never met.

F. Told me she was pregnant with my kid. I asked to see a test and she would not take one. Still have no idea if she is or not.

G. The straw that broke the camels back... .I decided to buy a small blow up pool for my yard. For my son, me, and her. It still takes about 2 hours to fill up.

The first day i bought it I filled it, and swam with my son a bit... She asked me if i could take photos of her in the pool since she is a model and wants some... So of course, no problem.

The following day the water is finally warm. My son had been asking all day to play in it... At 4pm we were about to use it...

She gets home from the store and says "i want you to empty the pool and fill it back up again so i can use it"

I told her the water was new, and finally warm. I asked why she needs new water... She told me she didnt want to swim in water that my son was in. This obviously offended me. I told her my son and I were about to use it... We go put our swimsuits on...

My son and I go to the pool and she slashed it with a knife, so it was deflated. I immedietly knew what she did, but just told my son somehow the water came out and we will get a new one...

She was sitting by the door smiling.  laughing...  Took photos of my son and I looking at the deflated pool... yes, she was that sick.

I asked her to leave, and she said she doesnt want to.  She then tried to seduce me, have sex, kiss me, but never apologized. She thought we were all going to go to dinner together, and couldnt undertand why i was bothered.

She went to the store and i packed all her things to bring to her grandmas house. While I was driving she got into my house to take my things... She gave back most, but kept my glasses, cologne, and of course, the air compressor for the pool so i couldnt put up another pool i just bought.,

She Then would not leave until midnight, begging to have sex with me. Finally she left and text me a photo of my son and i by the broken pool and she wrote "Stupid b___es"

At this point I have a feeling she will come back. it has only been a day. I changed the locks.

her reasoning was "Well if you just filled the pool like I asked you to nothing would have happened.

I dont even care to get my things back... I am just hoping i do not need to call the police if she keeps coming back.

Richardson,

Glad you got rid of her. Don't know if she is BPD. Do you know if she got diagnosed?

But she is bad news whatever she is. 2.5 months of going out with a crazy 25 year old model who likes sex... .I would trade her for my ex!  I think you did exceptionally well.

I am in the same age range as you and there are a lot of younger women out there who are looking for older guys to take advantage and even older women who will try to get pregnant without telling you.

Hope she does not return. You did great!   If she tried to contact you with the pregnancy bs tell her not to contact you any more.

no idea if she was diagnosed, or if she is for sure. She just seems to meet all the criteria.

She also hintewd that she would blame a bruise she has on me if I ask her to leave, and that she needs a 30 day notice, legally. 

At this point I am just relieved I got her out of the house with minimal loss.

Change all the locks and block her from all phones, email, social media.  You did amazingly well and should be congratulated!

Richardson please get a new pool, blow up, warm water and have fun with your son... .it's really cool that you have him and it will make it easy to shake off this blip in your life. Smart move changing the locks. She sounds evil and capable of pretty much ANYTHING!

I think you made good choices, too.

WOW! Hopefully this is over with.

Sounds extremely dangerous like a psychopath and not safe for you and your son. I would log it with the loc police department so you have something on record in case she gets any crazier

This sounds like someone who can seriously do some harm.

I feel like you may want to get a security camera at the very least.

Edit: Do what Loosestrife says... .file a report about her threatening to make false accusations and stalking you or something to put on file... .please!

I am absolutely in agreement with Loose on this. That woman sounds extremely dangerous, very mentally unstable---delusional, not wanting to swim in water that your son had been in?

As mentioned by Loose, definitely have some official (police) documentation filed, ASAP. I would also alert my exW about the exgf's behavior and disliking of y'all's child. She stalked you with the exW, so the exW is involved.

My son is the same age as yours. What I read in your post is lack of empathy and how she's not putting herself in his place with how kids like to have fun in pools. Good idea with changing the locks. Do you have a voice recorder or a smartphone where you can download a voice recorder app?

richardson,

Is this the same woman that you were writing about back in March of this year?

No, this is a different woman than the one from March. As someone else said, I think there are a much higher percentage of these women who date online, as that is where I met both.

The scary part was that after she took a knife to the pool and called my son names, (to me), she then thought we would all go to dinner together, and that everything was fine. She also threw a glass, slammed doors etc. I havent heard anything from her since Saturday.

She was also laying around Saturday saying her stomach hurts, when I asked her to leave. The first time she berought up "being pregnant" in 2 weeks.

Met my ex online, so i can well believe that.

That girl sounds scary, glad you got out of it! Good luck!

Yes, in the span of about five minutes, mine once went from insulting me, to asking me if she could spend the night at my house (implying sex), to insulting me again when I told her "no" (at this point, I was done with her push-pull and told her I couldn't go through it again).  A few days later, she was confused when I was upset about how she had acted.

I got the "Well, if you had just done X, then Y would have/would not have happened" sentence so many times.  I was always the one who was expected to do something, never her.

Not sure whether she is BPD or not... .but she does sound like one crazy B... .I wonder if she has actually had some people in her life who put up with this crazy behavior.

Sounds BPD but it does not matter what her issues are. She is extremely dangerous to you and especially your son. She is jealous of our son and would do anything to be destructive to that relationship to put the focus on her. Good job you discovered this so early before your son gets hurt physically or injured emotionally. You must keep this door closed. No contact. I believe we meet people for a reason. I'm glad she showed her true colors so early. You are in a vulnerable position being newly divorced with a new role as a single dad. She has taught you an important lesson so thank her for that. Take the lesson to heart next time and tread slowly in your next relationship so you will be better able to weed out the vampires. I am so happy you changed the locks and moved her out. Thank your lucky lucky stars you got out of this. Best of luck to you.

Hey Richardson,

I think what I am hearing here in this thread is that your situation has the potential to be quite dangerous.  It sounds like the person you have encountered lacks a significant amount of empathy and is actually demonstrating to you sadistic tendencies.

Many of us have partners that are within a spectrum of range of behaviors.  Some have just traits, others have clear BPD (some more acting in/others more acting out) and then others are more extreme, progress into bad behaviors with less inhibition and can display sadistic tendencies.

It is possible that you have encountered a person with ASPD.  It is also possible it is BPD, however, with sadistic tendencies.  However, please see that this person is on the very severe end of this spectrum.

My point is... .

Please do not unintentionally rationalize her behavior as "just another BPD thing."  Many of our pwBPD do not intentionally mean to cause harm, it is a result of their abandonment fears being expressed.

Your situation sounds to me... .

Different... .than a person "simply" acting out their fears of abandonment.  :)ifferent in a bad way.

In any event, the only reason I'm stating this is that I wonder... .

Have you considered some of the suggestions here to proactively protect yourself, son, and ex?  What do you think of this?

~Sunflower

sounds more npd to me.

BPD (single dx) are rarely purpousley cruel, they might do some very disagreeable things but it's usually under stress or relates to their triggers being set off, this person you are involved with seems to just enjoy cruelty which isn't what BPD is (no matter what some may say)

I have had some experience with ASPD and NPD.  Limited... .not a large group.  But my experience has been... .   the NPD cares about their image, looking like a hero in some way... .like they do the world a favor by their existence.  The ASPD on the other hand, doesn't care about others enough to care to have an image... .they care about their own gain... .people are useless tools.  They only care about others and how others view them as a way to have more access to others so they can do more manipulation... .for their gain.  The woman he is describing is not appearing to care how Richardson views him.  She sees him as bringing it all upon himself.  He is a pitiful tool to her.

Today I received about ten calls from a blocked number.  Then she texted me "want to take pictures of me today?"

I didn't reply, then her next text was that I was super rude for having a girlfriend and still having photos of my ex wife on my phone and in my computer. Which by the way she found by snooping.

Then she started with mean texts.   Then later said she is getting married and will live in a mansion.  I didn't reply to anything

The girlie sounds insane. I just hope she doesn't show up at your door one day. I have a feeling all this stuff isn't enough for a restraining order until she actually does something violent. Hope it doesn't come down to this... .

Now texted nude photos and said "oops was meant for someone else". An hour later she texted me if I could send her something she ordered in the mail once it arrives.

Shes trying to rope you into with sex and drama. Don't bite. I agree with the person who said she is on the extreme end and probably sadistic. This type is VERY vindictive. The world is full of crazy ppl but this level of crazy is terrifying. I might even tell her you're getting back with your ex wife and thank her for showing you how great your wife was after all. That might shut her down. I don't know risky but it might just work. Best of luck keep your head ON.

There are some apps you can install on your phone that are effective call and text blockers. Your phone service probably allows you to block people completely. You can try that unless you are amused by these texts (I might be amused if I was in your situation... .but that is just me). 

If any stuff comes for her in the mail you can take it to the post office and tell them return to sender.

Seems like you have done very well in this situation.

Well, I bit...   She wanted to "talk" and give me my things back. so I saw her Tuesday.

She came over late, and was telling kme she wants something "serious" and was mad I couldnt give her that. She then left, then came back, this time with a different demeanor.  We ended up having sex, and said she wanted to stay with me until Friday am.

Tonight she asked me to take her to her favorite restaurant, a sort of sushi buffet.

In the car, on the way there is asking me to meet her extended family in another country next March. She said "I cant wait for you to go with me next March". This is something we never really talked about before.  Then all hell breaks loose...

I am not a sushi eater. So i asked her "Is the sushi here better than most places, or is this place popular because it is a buffet?"

She became quiet... .Was getting pissed, and I could tell... Until she says "Are you ___ing saying I eat here because it is a lot of free sushi? I could pay for this myself!"

I then told her i was just asking if it was good or not, compared to other places we went. She continued on, swearing, and left me sitting alone in the restaurant.  The bill comes, and I look around and she is at a table by herself far away... .I pay the bill and leave.  She then calls me asking why I left... And that she isnt done eating... Asking me to come back and eat with her... .I say no way, and drive her home...    

She is still telling me how rude I was, and hit my arm twice in the car... .  At my place she gives me my key back, and tells me she is going to stay with another guy she met...   I said ok, go ahead.  This enragers her and she says "So you are saying I can go? You don't want me to stay?"  While at the same time calling me names...   I said "No, please go" And she kept saying "So you dont care if I go?"

She leaves, and comes back 2 minutes later, parks, and I am thinking wants to talk to me... She comes up to me and starts swinging... .After about a minute of this she finally leaves And I havent heard from her since.

And the crazy part is, that to me her reaction to my question was SO confident that i was the rude one, I am almost questioning myself and wondering if somehow that could have been rude... How could someone go absolutely nuts over me asking "Is the sushi better here than other places"

I'm nearly 20 months removed from a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I allowed four recycles and couldn't seem to stop myself from continuing to go back to the abuse and chaos of the r/s.  I've got to tell you "single dad to a single dad", continuing to allow this person to suck your energy and spirit will jeopardize your ability to be the best for yourself and then to be the best for your kid.  You may also be increasing the threat of craziness and even violence against you and your kid by allowing this person to be close to you and your kid.  I ask you these questions:

1. Does this person share your values?

2. Can you see a future with this person?

3. Could you ever see this person being close to your child?

4. Does this person pose a threat to you and your kid?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, I really have to ask you why you would continue to allow this person in your life.  Time to go n/c.  If you can't, I encourage you to go and talk to a T.  I don't apologize for being direct with you with post.  Do it for yourself and do it to be the best you can be for your kid. 

I left my ex gf after she became physically abusive with me for the second time in a couple weeks.  After I got out and really did some soul searching, it became even more apparent to me how unhealthy it all was.  I will tell you this also - I've been in a healthy r/s with a non PD lady for the last eleven months and the r/s looks nothing like what I endured with my ex gf.  I will never allow abuse and unending chaos to invade my life again.  Get out before it gets even thicker!

?

I guess I'm thinking that you are more important.

I rather focus on you right now than analyze her in any way. 

If I go off on some break down of her behavior... .I'm shifting focus from where it needs to be.  I feel it would be invalidating to the gravity of the dynamic you have yourself in.

Have you considered the possibility that this woman is not a safe person?

You are right.   I was looking at the good side.   She liked to cook.  Pretty.  Loved sex. Etc

After my divorce she was good company for me.  I was thinking I could break down her walls and show her I cared.   But yes.  She is toxic for me.  She won't be close to my son.  I don't trust her in any way.

This reads like you are dealing with a 3 year old child. Well, ok, give her a time out then... .

So when she was moving out I saw her phone and a number she texted at 2am.  I memorized the number.

I called it a the next day and talked to the guy who answered.  He said "wow.  That girl is psycho". Turns out they had 2 dates 8 months ago and she just started texting him again.  Asking for his address .  Sending him photos.  Saying she wants to see him etc. 

Over the phone me and this guy actually became friends and he isn't even in the state but was messing with her.   When he comes To town he wants to go out for beers.

He also told me she pulled some crazy thjngs on their dinner date and he thought she was insane.

The following night she texts him more photos of herself and asking for his address.  He forwards these to me.

At the same time she is texting me obscenities and showing me texts of her and a different man she spent the night with the same night she left.

I told her that's fine.  Not interested. She then says she never hooked up with anybody else (right after showing me that she did)

Anyway it seems really odd she would contact a guy she dated 8 months ago and ask to go to his house.

No, it doesn't seem odd.

She is desperate for supply - a body that she can control. She will go after anyone, from her past, present or possible future.

Having a successful relationship with that woman is as likely as a sharknado being real.

Both are TOTAL FANTASY.

What I know from her past is that from a young age she was raised solely by her grandma, as her mom and dad split.  I am talking 1 or 2 years old.

I am not hurt deeply, but still tried to put some pieces together for closure. Hurts she would go into anyone's bed just to have a warm body next to her.

If anyone can help me out it would be appreciated...

As for myself, I still think of her, but I think it is mainly because of her looks. For example she is one of the most popular women on Instagram, and it bothers me to have lost that...   Does that make me odd?

Secondly, these were the types of conversations that would drive me crazy... .over and over and over... Almost word for word. What does this seem like.?

her: I would never be with you long term, you have a son and I want my own family.

Me:  Ok, well it will not work out then...

her: Can you offer me something stable and serious?

me: you just said you would never be with me as I have a son

Her: So you just go with the flow?

Me: I have a son... I wont give him up to date you

Her:  Why are you always talking about your son?

Me: What do you want?

Her: I want something stable and serious and you dont...

me: What do you mean by stable and serious? We already live together and it is early... Just 2 months

her:  Do I have to friggin say what i mean ?  I am not waiting ten years to get married... .

Me: So you want to get married?

her: Not to you, you already had a family...

Me: Then why are you living with me?

her: Because i want something serious with you, but you dont...

Nothing wrong with being attracted!

But everything wrong with how she views your son as an obstacle.

I dealt with similar conversation with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  She would often say that she couldn't see us all together (referring to her, her three young kids, me and my teen daughter) in the future.  Then she would tell me she would never leave me.  It was a rough game of push/pull, and it would trigger fears of abandonment in me.  She knew it.  It was really just emotional abuse and it got worse each time I returned returned to the r/s.  I finally came to the realization that while I was attracted to her and loved the sex, I wanted to be in a healthy reciprocating love r/s.  That wasn't possible with her.  I also wanted to model healthy r/s skills for my daughter.  I have to believe you want the same thing for your son.  Again, the emotional abuse grew worse as the r/s dragged on and I finally found the strength to get out.  It took some time to process it all and then turn the focus inward.  N/c was the key for me to have the peace and space to get there. 

Neveragain stated it well in the previous post.  It is easier when you are out of the r/s to really understand that so much about these r/s are not healthy.  We all participated.  The push/pull crap your ex gf was dishing out was not healthy.  Her alienating your son was not healthy.  Her taking a knife to your son's pool and laughing about it was not healthy and extremely scary.  If she felt it was ok to damage property in that way, what is say that she won't act out in the same fashion towards you or your son.  What I'm saying to you is that it is healthy to assess what went down and try to find some rationale for it.  I finally and simply came to the realization that it just didn't work for me and I am in control of me.  That's it.  No more.

In regards to ruminating on the f'd up discussions or confrontations of the past, I learned a skill from my T that really helped me during my recovery and detachment.  When my mind would keep playing back an event, I would display it like a picture in front of me.  I would feel it.  I would then reduce it down to a 2" x 2" pic and then physically move it behind me in the past where it belonged.  This really worked for me. 

I will try that.  Thanks.

It was like extreme push/pull within 1 conversation.  It was driving me crazy.

Then she told me she was pregnant.  I asked to see the test and she wouldn't show me.  She wouldn't take another test.

Then one day out of the blue she texts me that she is at the hairdresser.  10 minutes later she texts me "oh and having and abortion today.  Happy now?  Stupid!" And she copy and pasted a planned parenthood link.

This was on a day when everything seemed fine. Came home and she was fine.  I stil have no idea if she was pregnant, had an abortion, or it was all some game.

Other nights was constant drama. If she could not sleep exactly on top of me, she would get mad, then go pretend like she is leaving and get into her car. 

You are posting this on the Leaving board. 

Have you changed your mind and decided to try to pursue a r/s with her?

What stage of the detachment process do you see yourself in?

Well she moved out and I am not contacting her.  She is not contacting me.

I cannot go back to her.  At this point I am trying to make sense of it all.  Learn something from it.

I was reading the following today and thought about your situation.  I didn't want to come back and post it in case it was a bother to you... .I don't think it is offensive, I wasn't sure. I had been reading up on the idea of trauma bonding and am wondering if most of us are specially bonded to our partners due to the intensity of their lives and therefore aren't many of us in a trauma bond? (Idk)

Anyway, below is the bit that made me think of you:

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way... Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Good article and makes sense.

I would say everything in this past relationship was intense.  The sex.  The fights. Within 1 hour she is asking me to leave the cojntry with her to visit family with her NEXT year, and within an hour she is swinging on me and the last time I saw her

It is on my mind, but I  am not a basket case. I am working, eating, laughing, sleeping etc. Hopefully that is a sign I am not addicted to this type of relationship and know I deserve better

But is trauma bonding normal for everyone?

Let's say you are a single guy and your idea of a beautiful woman approaches you.  Pretend Megan fox, or adriana lima etc.


This woman wants to live with you.  Have your kids. Marry you.  Travel with you. She stalks you.  Misses you. Cooks for you.  Etc.

Then she starts to become unstable slowly.  Aggressive.  Violent.

Wouldn't any guy try to fix this for a bit? And still miss the person after?  Even if it was so bad?

No, not every guy would continue to date a woman that shows sadistic tendencies towards them, and their child.  No matter how amazing her looks and the sex is.

Normal?  Well, what is normal? That is a subjective term to me in many ways.

However, Yes, I feel it is normal to miss someone you had a r/s with.

I have made choices that were from my heart vs my logical mind.

I think it is quite "normal" given my circumstances in life, that I have made the decisions I have.  That does not mean they were always healthy decisions... .or even some healthy decisions, are not always the best ones in a certain circumstance.

If I tell you it is "normal" what would that mean for you?

Would you still look inward to see what you can learn from the situation?

Instead of looking at it as "wrong," or "anyone would do it" it may be more helpful to seek what you may learn from this.

Can you think of what you have learned from this r/s?

It's complex.

My problem is I keep looking at her instagram and I see her photos that get 5000 likes and guys begging to talk to her in the comments.  And I had her. And she was desperate to keep me. 

On the other hand I do not miss her, the person at all. Sort of like I had the woman soany guys want, before they know her.

Also, quite vindictively, the day after she left she sent me a text conversation screenshot in which she was pulling up to another mans apartment and he was saying how he can't wait to have her body. 

In a way that have me closure in that I wouldn't go back for yet another reason, but still hurt nonetheless

Sorting out your values, may help you to get in touch with your mind regarding these thoughts.

When you are speaking of how alluring she is... .you are tuning out your mind, following your heart. (Or something else )

If you focus on the values you want in a woman, and in a r/s, then it will help you put the heart issues in perspective, or balance them out a bit.

Do you think this may be helpful?