Had been seeing a younger, attractive woman for 2.5 months

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

No, it doesn't seem odd.

She is desperate for supply - a body that she can control. She will go after anyone, from her past, present or possible future.

Having a successful relationship with that woman is as likely as a sharknado being real.

Both are TOTAL FANTASY.

What I know from her past is that from a young age she was raised solely by her grandma, as her mom and dad split.  I am talking 1 or 2 years old.

I am not hurt deeply, but still tried to put some pieces together for closure. Hurts she would go into anyone's bed just to have a warm body next to her.

[richardson]

No, it doesn't seem odd.

She is desperate for supply - a body that she can control. She will go after anyone, from her past, present or possible future.

Having a successful relationship with that woman is as likely as a sharknado being real.

Both are TOTAL FANTASY.

What I know from her past is that from a young age she was raised solely by her grandma, as her mom and dad split.  I am talking 1 or 2 years old.

I am not hurt deeply, but still tried to put some pieces together for closure. Hurts she would go into anyone's bed just to have a warm body next to her.

[richardson]

If anyone can help me out it would be appreciated...

As for myself, I still think of her, but I think it is mainly because of her looks. For example she is one of the most popular women on Instagram, and it bothers me to have lost that...   Does that make me odd?

Secondly, these were the types of conversations that would drive me crazy... .over and over and over... Almost word for word. What does this seem like.?

her: I would never be with you long term, you have a son and I want my own family.

Me:  Ok, well it will not work out then...

her: Can you offer me something stable and serious?

me: you just said you would never be with me as I have a son

Her: So you just go with the flow?

Me: I have a son... I wont give him up to date you

Her:  Why are you always talking about your son?

Me: What do you want?

Her: I want something stable and serious and you dont...

me: What do you mean by stable and serious? We already live together and it is early... Just 2 months

her:  Do I have to friggin say what i mean ?  I am not waiting ten years to get married... .

Me: So you want to get married?

her: Not to you, you already had a family...

Me: Then why are you living with me?

her: Because i want something serious with you, but you dont...

[rotiroti]

Nothing wrong with being attracted!

But everything wrong with how she views your son as an obstacle.

[Madison66]

I dealt with similar conversation with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  She would often say that she couldn't see us all together (referring to her, her three young kids, me and my teen daughter) in the future.  Then she would tell me she would never leave me.  It was a rough game of push/pull, and it would trigger fears of abandonment in me.  She knew it.  It was really just emotional abuse and it got worse each time I returned returned to the r/s.  I finally came to the realization that while I was attracted to her and loved the sex, I wanted to be in a healthy reciprocating love r/s.  That wasn't possible with her.  I also wanted to model healthy r/s skills for my daughter.  I have to believe you want the same thing for your son.  Again, the emotional abuse grew worse as the r/s dragged on and I finally found the strength to get out.  It took some time to process it all and then turn the focus inward.  N/c was the key for me to have the peace and space to get there. 

Neveragain stated it well in the previous post.  It is easier when you are out of the r/s to really understand that so much about these r/s are not healthy.  We all participated.  The push/pull crap your ex gf was dishing out was not healthy.  Her alienating your son was not healthy.  Her taking a knife to your son's pool and laughing about it was not healthy and extremely scary.  If she felt it was ok to damage property in that way, what is say that she won't act out in the same fashion towards you or your son.  What I'm saying to you is that it is healthy to assess what went down and try to find some rationale for it.  I finally and simply came to the realization that it just didn't work for me and I am in control of me.  That's it.  No more.

In regards to ruminating on the f'd up discussions or confrontations of the past, I learned a skill from my T that really helped me during my recovery and detachment.  When my mind would keep playing back an event, I would display it like a picture in front of me.  I would feel it.  I would then reduce it down to a 2" x 2" pic and then physically move it behind me in the past where it belonged.  This really worked for me. 

[richardson]

I dealt with similar conversation with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  She would often say that she couldn't see us all together (referring to her, her three young kids, me and my teen daughter) in the future.  Then she would tell me she would never leave me.  It was a rough game of push/pull, and it would trigger fears of abandonment in me.  She knew it.  It was really just emotional abuse and it got worse each time I returned returned to the r/s.  I finally came to the realization that while I was attracted to her and loved the sex, I wanted to be in a healthy reciprocating love r/s.  That wasn't possible with her.  I also wanted to model healthy r/s skills for my daughter.  I have to believe you want the same thing for your son.  Again, the emotional abuse grew worse as the r/s dragged on and I finally found the strength to get out.  It took some time to process it all and then turn the focus inward.  N/c was the key for me to have the peace and space to get there. 

Neveragain stated it well in the previous post.  It is easier when you are out of the r/s to really understand that so much about these r/s are not healthy.  We all participated.  The push/pull crap your ex gf was dishing out was not healthy.  Her alienating your son was not healthy.  Her taking a knife to your son's pool and laughing about it was not healthy and extremely scary.  If she felt it was ok to damage property in that way, what is say that she won't act out in the same fashion towards you or your son.  What I'm saying to you is that it is healthy to assess what went down and try to find some rationale for it.  I finally and simply came to the realization that it just didn't work for me and I am in control of me.  That's it.  No more.

In regards to ruminating on the f'd up discussions or confrontations of the past, I learned a skill from my T that really helped me during my recovery and detachment.  When my mind would keep playing back an event, I would display it like a picture in front of me.  I would feel it.  I would then reduce it down to a 2" x 2" pic and then physically move it behind me in the past where it belonged.  This really worked for me. 

I will try that.  Thanks.

It was like extreme push/pull within 1 conversation.  It was driving me crazy.

Then she told me she was pregnant.  I asked to see the test and she wouldn't show me.  She wouldn't take another test.

Then one day out of the blue she texts me that she is at the hairdresser.  10 minutes later she texts me "oh and having and abortion today.  Happy now?  Stupid!" And she copy and pasted a planned parenthood link.

This was on a day when everything seemed fine. Came home and she was fine.  I stil have no idea if she was pregnant, had an abortion, or it was all some game.

Other nights was constant drama. If she could not sleep exactly on top of me, she would get mad, then go pretend like she is leaving and get into her car. 

[Sunfl0wer]

You are posting this on the Leaving board. 

Have you changed your mind and decided to try to pursue a r/s with her?

What stage of the detachment process do you see yourself in?

[richardson]

You are posting this on the Leaving board. 

Have you changed your mind and decided to try to pursue a r/s with her?

What stage of the detachment process do you see yourself in?

Well she moved out and I am not contacting her.  She is not contacting me.

I cannot go back to her.  At this point I am trying to make sense of it all.  Learn something from it.

[Sunfl0wer]

You are posting this on the Leaving board. 

Have you changed your mind and decided to try to pursue a r/s with her?

What stage of the detachment process do you see yourself in?

Well she moved out and I am not contacting her.  She is not contacting me.

I cannot go back to her.  At this point I am trying to make sense of it all.  Learn something from it.

I was reading the following today and thought about your situation.  I didn't want to come back and post it in case it was a bother to you... .I don't think it is offensive, I wasn't sure. I had been reading up on the idea of trauma bonding and am wondering if most of us are specially bonded to our partners due to the intensity of their lives and therefore aren't many of us in a trauma bond? (Idk)

Anyway, below is the bit that made me think of you:

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way... Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

[richardson]

You are posting this on the Leaving board. 

Have you changed your mind and decided to try to pursue a r/s with her?

What stage of the detachment process do you see yourself in?

Well she moved out and I am not contacting her.  She is not contacting me.

I cannot go back to her.  At this point I am trying to make sense of it all.  Learn something from it.

I was reading the following today and thought about your situation.  I didn't want to come back and post it in case it was a bother to you... .I don't think it is offensive, I wasn't sure. I had been reading up on the idea of trauma bonding and am wondering if most of us are specially bonded to our partners due to the intensity of their lives and therefore aren't many of us in a trauma bond? (Idk)

Anyway, below is the bit that made me think of you:

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way... Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Good article and makes sense.

I would say everything in this past relationship was intense.  The sex.  The fights. Within 1 hour she is asking me to leave the cojntry with her to visit family with her NEXT year, and within an hour she is swinging on me and the last time I saw her

It is on my mind, but I  am not a basket case. I am working, eating, laughing, sleeping etc. Hopefully that is a sign I am not addicted to this type of relationship and know I deserve better

[richardson]

You are posting this on the Leaving board. 

Have you changed your mind and decided to try to pursue a r/s with her?

What stage of the detachment process do you see yourself in?

Well she moved out and I am not contacting her.  She is not contacting me.

I cannot go back to her.  At this point I am trying to make sense of it all.  Learn something from it.

I was reading the following today and thought about your situation.  I didn't want to come back and post it in case it was a bother to you... .I don't think it is offensive, I wasn't sure. I had been reading up on the idea of trauma bonding and am wondering if most of us are specially bonded to our partners due to the intensity of their lives and therefore aren't many of us in a trauma bond? (Idk)

Anyway, below is the bit that made me think of you:

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way... Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

But is trauma bonding normal for everyone?

Let's say you are a single guy and your idea of a beautiful woman approaches you.  Pretend Megan fox, or adriana lima etc.


This woman wants to live with you.  Have your kids. Marry you.  Travel with you. She stalks you.  Misses you. Cooks for you.  Etc.

Then she starts to become unstable slowly.  Aggressive.  Violent.

Wouldn't any guy try to fix this for a bit? And still miss the person after?  Even if it was so bad?

[Sunfl0wer]

You are posting this on the Leaving board. 

Have you changed your mind and decided to try to pursue a r/s with her?

What stage of the detachment process do you see yourself in?

Well she moved out and I am not contacting her.  She is not contacting me.

I cannot go back to her.  At this point I am trying to make sense of it all.  Learn something from it.

I was reading the following today and thought about your situation.  I didn't want to come back and post it in case it was a bother to you... .I don't think it is offensive, I wasn't sure. I had been reading up on the idea of trauma bonding and am wondering if most of us are specially bonded to our partners due to the intensity of their lives and therefore aren't many of us in a trauma bond? (Idk)

Anyway, below is the bit that made me think of you:

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way... Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

But is trauma bonding normal for everyone?

Let's say you are a single guy and your idea of a beautiful woman approaches you.  Pretend Megan fox, or adriana lima etc.


This woman wants to live with you.  Have your kids. Marry you.  Travel with you. She stalks you.  Misses you. Cooks for you.  Etc.

Then she starts to become unstable slowly.  Aggressive.  Violent.

Wouldn't any guy try to fix this for a bit? And still miss the person after?  Even if it was so bad?

No, not every guy would continue to date a woman that shows sadistic tendencies towards them, and their child.  No matter how amazing her looks and the sex is.

Normal?  Well, what is normal? That is a subjective term to me in many ways.

However, Yes, I feel it is normal to miss someone you had a r/s with.

I have made choices that were from my heart vs my logical mind.

I think it is quite "normal" given my circumstances in life, that I have made the decisions I have.  That does not mean they were always healthy decisions... .or even some healthy decisions, are not always the best ones in a certain circumstance.

If I tell you it is "normal" what would that mean for you?

Would you still look inward to see what you can learn from the situation?

Instead of looking at it as "wrong," or "anyone would do it" it may be more helpful to seek what you may learn from this.

Can you think of what you have learned from this r/s?

[richardson]

You are posting this on the Leaving board. 

Have you changed your mind and decided to try to pursue a r/s with her?

What stage of the detachment process do you see yourself in?

Well she moved out and I am not contacting her.  She is not contacting me.

I cannot go back to her.  At this point I am trying to make sense of it all.  Learn something from it.

I was reading the following today and thought about your situation.  I didn't want to come back and post it in case it was a bother to you... .I don't think it is offensive, I wasn't sure. I had been reading up on the idea of trauma bonding and am wondering if most of us are specially bonded to our partners due to the intensity of their lives and therefore aren't many of us in a trauma bond? (Idk)

Anyway, below is the bit that made me think of you:

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way... Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

But is trauma bonding normal for everyone?

Let's say you are a single guy and your idea of a beautiful woman approaches you.  Pretend Megan fox, or adriana lima etc.


This woman wants to live with you.  Have your kids. Marry you.  Travel with you. She stalks you.  Misses you. Cooks for you.  Etc.

Then she starts to become unstable slowly.  Aggressive.  Violent.

Wouldn't any guy try to fix this for a bit? And still miss the person after?  Even if it was so bad?

No, not every guy would continue to date a woman that shows sadistic tendencies towards them, and their child.  No matter how amazing her looks and the sex is.

Normal?  Well, what is normal? That is a subjective term to me in many ways.

However, Yes, I feel it is normal to miss someone you had a r/s with.

I have made choices that were from my heart vs my logical mind.

I think it is quite "normal" given my circumstances in life, that I have made the decisions I have.  That does not mean they were always healthy decisions... .or even some healthy decisions, are not always the best ones in a certain circumstance.

If I tell you it is "normal" what would that mean for you?

Would you still look inward to see what you can learn from the situation?

Instead of looking at it as "wrong," or "anyone would do it" it may be more helpful to seek what you may learn from this.

Can you think of what you have learned from this r/s?

It's complex.

My problem is I keep looking at her instagram and I see her photos that get 5000 likes and guys begging to talk to her in the comments.  And I had her. And she was desperate to keep me. 

On the other hand I do not miss her, the person at all. Sort of like I had the woman soany guys want, before they know her.

Also, quite vindictively, the day after she left she sent me a text conversation screenshot in which she was pulling up to another mans apartment and he was saying how he can't wait to have her body. 

In a way that have me closure in that I wouldn't go back for yet another reason, but still hurt nonetheless

[Sunfl0wer]

Sorting out your values, may help you to get in touch with your mind regarding these thoughts.

When you are speaking of how alluring she is... .you are tuning out your mind, following your heart. (Or something else )

If you focus on the values you want in a woman, and in a r/s, then it will help you put the heart issues in perspective, or balance them out a bit.

Do you think this may be helpful?