BPDFamily.com

So, I've been struggling with a few things, and I was hoping that I could maybe get my former friend BPD to answer a few questions for me, just about some things she said that I've always questioned.

I texted her and said, "Tomorrow is my 30th birthday.  If I e-mail you some questions, can you try really hard to answer them honestly?  I'm sorry.  I'm still struggling with some things.  Consider a step on your journey to become a better person?" 

A little over an hour later, her reply:  "No."

That's it.  No.  Not even a "Happy Birthday, but I'm sorry, I won't answer your questions." 

I was going to write her a letter in a few weeks and put it in a birthday card, but I'm not even going to bother now. 

She's the same person she always was.  She'll move next month, and she'll continue to be the same person she always was.  She'll avoid going to therapy or will go and then decide that nothing is wrong with her. 

9/9 BPD right here, folks. 

But I bet if you asked her something about her, you would exchange texts for hours... .as long as it was her you were talking about.

Unfortunately thats borderline... no empathy and selfishness. Maybe one day she will answer your questions. Can I ask what you wanted to ask her? Perhaps most of the answers she gives anyway could not make sense due to a BPD's disordered thoughts and feelings.

And ps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TOMORROW :)

Hey SummerStorm, Seems like you are barking up the wrong tree.  Why bother?  You can't control her response, but you can stop setting yourself up for disappointment.  LuckyJim

Hi SummerStorm,

I am sorry that your conversation did not go as you would like.   

Foremost, Happy birthday.  :)


Shame is as central to BPD is as emotional dysregulation. It is very hard to pwBPD to face things that they are shameful or feel guilty about. Instead of facing the intense primary emotions associated with shame or guilt, they avoid them.  It is most likely that she perceived your text as criticism. From a pwBPD's perspective criticism is a reinforcer for their shame/low self-worth. They are hypersensitive to criticism.

Were  you expecting a response?

Aw man... .what a rotten thing to hear in time for your birthday.   

I definitely agree with what Lucky Jim wrote and to add to what he said,the 10 Beliefs Article really helped me from breaking lc/nc (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140819.0). #2 especially -- it reminded me that a pwBPD does not feel and think the way we do. I know that if I were to reach out I would just be further disappointed.

No, she wants NC, and toward the end of the friendship, she wouldn't even answer my questions about how she was doing.  She had just gotten out of the hospital. 

She sent me a card two weeks ago, thanking me for my friendship, and sent back my stuff, and she's been on mood regulators for almost two months, so I thought that I could maybe get through to her. 

I swear, it's like being diagnosed with BPD has given her the mindset that she really can do anything, since she can just blame it on BPD.  Is this something that can happen after a diagnosis?

I'm sorry that your pwBPD wouldn't give you what you hoped for, SummerStorm.

I never really got my questions answered either. It took me a while to find closure after my relationship ended.

It might be true that she is using her diagnosis as an excuse for her behavior. This is denial at its finest. Hopefully during therapy she will discover this. Regardless of whether she does or doesn't, you will eventually have to find a way to accept her for who she is, BPD and all.

Remember, she is unstable and may say things that she can't back up with real actions. Her emotional needs outweigh her real needs. This is one of the lynchpins of the disorder. You cannot fix this. She has to, and there is probably nothing that you can say or do to get her to a healthy, happy place. That is painful information to hear. I know I personally spent a lot of time not believing it. I had moved mountains for myPWD before, so why would I not be able to anymore?

Here's something that might help you right now: 7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143873.0)

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Honestly, mostly yes or no questions.

-Did you really have a job at the restaurant in May?

-Did your boyfriend really ask you to move in when you came back from your vacation?

-Did you come to work high?

-Was it your plan all along to cancel on me Mother's Day weekend?

Like you said, who knows what answers I would have gotten?

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

I was hoping she would say yes or would at least say no and wish me a happy birthday.

You deserve better.  I honestly believe that when we meet a healthy partner we won't have these questions as they will just be answered automatically. Happy birthday 

If she sent you this, what would your response be?

"Happy birthday, A.  I am glad you're here to celebrate it.  I will take a look at your questions, but please don't be offended if I don't answer them or only answer some of them."

Two weeks ago, she said she was starting a journey to become a better person and I was a reason for that, so I thought I could appeal to that. 

I'm thinking you just received your confirmation that it's going to take a LOT longer than 2 weeks... . 

It seems like such a simple thing to extend goodwill. But if the discussion (or answering questions) potentially builds upon feelings of shame, I imagine those questions would be difficult to answer. Try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment and feel what it might be like for her. It may help to depersonalize her unwillingness to address your questions.

I think what hurts more than anything is that she couldn't even throw a "happy birthday" in there.  She knows I have no friends and that the only birthday wishes I'll be getting today are from my parents.  I'm sorry, but it's stuff like this that makes it hard for me to have any sympathy for her. 

My ex initiated contact the day before my birthday in some flimsy basis then proceeded to tell me not to keep textin her back as she was with someone. When I told her that wasn't nice she kicked off about how I had to move on and stop bothering her etc etc. no birthday wishes either though... .

Argh  that must have been so frustrating!

How are you doing Remi? did you stay strong over the weekend btw? I remember you saying you had a personal goal of staying strong until Sunday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY   X

Thanks   :)

Happy birthday SummerStorm!

Hi SummerStorm,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It's awful to have no closure and to be left with remaining questions. I know it hurts a great deal.

I also think your friend may have taken it as criticism and I wondered whether you would be open to how I would have read your email had I been the recipient of it (bear in mind that I have asperger's syndrome and am also overly sensitive to criticism). Please bear in mind that I offer this in the spirit of love. If you feel this would be unhelpful, don't read any further:


'Tomorrow is my 30th birthday' - I'm trying to make you feel guilty so I can get what I want from you.

"If I e-mail you some questions, can you try really hard to answer them honestly?" - because you usually lie to me/are a liar.

"Consider a step on your journey to become a better person?"  - there's something wrong with you and I'm qualified to judge you.


I suspect your friend could have been triggered by how you phrased your email even though you clearly attempted to own your own struggles.

I'm not saying your friend would have answered your questions had you phrased it differently, but it might have increased the chances a little.

Lifewriter

Hey SummerStorm, Happy Birthday.  You summed it up:


I spent a lot of time "hoping," too, in a marriage to a pwBPD.  Hoping she could heal.  Hoping the turmoil would pass.  Hoping we could work together towards our future.

Yet all my hopes were dashed.  In a microcosm, the same has happened to you.

It's OK.  Learn from it and move on.

LuckyJim

I definitely see what you're saying.  I added the last part because she told me that she is working to be a better person and that I'm a reason for that.

It's so hard to separate the person I knew months ago from the person she really is.  BPD would be much easier to deal with if they just acted like jerks from the beginning.

I know, SummerStorm. If only... .

I really struggled with my BPDxbf because I said the wrong things all the time and didn't even realised when he'd taken offence. Aspies aren't only sensitive to criticism they're not very good at figuring out how other people will take what they say or do and are not very astute at spotting when offence has been taken. Our relationship is an uphill struggle... .sometimes I feel completely hopeless because I'd like us to work it out, but I suspect the barriers to doing that are going to be too substantial.

By the way, what have you been doing to celebrate your birthday?

Lifewriter

Happy Birthday SummerStorm 

Yeah. So far so good and she hasn't tried to contact me through any back doors which is both a relief and depressing at the same time. We will cross paths Sunday as I'm involved in a football team she has stuff to do with. So I can either give up something I love it see how I goes. I shouldn't find myself alone but will have to see her with my replacement. Time will tell I guess. But thanks for asking. And happy birthday everyone lol

I understand how hurtful it is when someone you loved cannot extend goodwill such as saying "happy birthday."  Maybe she's not in a place where she can extend goodwill due to feelings of shame.  

Happy Birthday - wishing you a wonderful day!  

I went out to eat with my parents.  The last time I was there was my mom's birthday, and my former friend BPD wished my mom a happy birthday.  I went down to the gift shop last time and sent my ffBPD pics of weird things I found.  So, it was very triggery.  :'(

I don't like birthdays.  They remind me of how lonely I am.  Even my one co-worker who always remembers didn't remember this year.

I'm sorry to hear that today was upsetting rather than being an enjoyable experience. Birthdays can be hard.

In the past, I have been tempted to count my birthday cards and use the lack of them as a way of tormenting myself for having 'no friends'. Of course, it has never been true that I have 'no' friends, but I do feel the lack of a close confidante these days. I've learnt to stop counting my birthday cards, but I do still find myself struck by negative comparisons when I see masses of cards in other people's living room windows.

I hope being involved in BPD Family helps reduce that sense of isolation a little. It does for me.

Love Lifewriter

I got cards from three people: my mom, my dad, and my mom's friend.

I have 6 contacts in my phone: my mom, three co-workers, work, and my boss.

I consider myself a nice person, so it's always been hard for me to figure out why I have no friends. 

Happy Birthday! 

I feel lonely alot. I don't a have much of a support group right now. I used to be very social, lots of friends. Then over the years in a relationship with my Ex I lost myself in the relationship, eventually friendships twindled away, I am 3 hours from my family. I allowed the dsyfunctional relationship get to me, I was unhappy, but commited, I became an angry person and became hard to approach, close off from people. Not myself at all.

So I am trying to me more friendly and open. Trying to be the person I know I am. I don't have issues with going out by myself, or I should say I didn't, until the latest replacement. I am not ready to run into them yet and there a pretty good chance it will happen. So I feel even more isolate and lonely. Just know you aren't alone!

I open for chatting anyime. I open to making friends anytime. :)

I've always struggled with making friends. At one point, I thought I was just so deeply traumatised by being bullied at school that I was keeping people at arms length to protect myself. I thought that if I had enough therapy, I would be released to be the true me and then everyone would like me (interesting thought processes there!). Then, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and now the isolation makes more sense. I can now see why people seem to be uncomfortable around me or perhaps, more comfortable with other people. It helps a little to understand what's going on, but it still hurts and it takes inordinate effort to put myself out there and try to make friends. So, I know how it feels even though I don't know what to do to change the situation.

Lifewriter x

Making friends is not an easy thing to do and also friends come and go throughout life.

I think anyone here that read your messages can see that you really are a nice and caring person. You don't quantify a quality like that with the number of friends one has or station in life.

I know people that would love to have such a loving and supportive parents!

Very true, and I'm glad I have them.  However, Mom is almost 70, and Dad isn't far behind.  I'm also moving out of the house in two months and will be living alone for the first time in my life (I commuted when I was in college).  I need to have people other than them in my life.  Mom has a bad knee and just can't walk around New York City/zoos/malls/etc. like she used to.  I also have other interests (hiking, specifically) that neither parent can participate in. 

I tried Meetup groups, but the meetings either get canceled or hardly anyone shows up. 

I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding why so many people are jerks.  At least I know that my former friend BPD has BPD for sure, and although I can't forgive her actions, she at least has a valid reason for them.  The last friend I had before her was four years ago, and she just stopped talking to me.  She gave me no reason why.  We were best friends for 7 years.  We weren't fighting.  We were sending each other cards for birthdays and holidays.  Everything was great, and then she just stopped replying to my messages. 

My friends in high school dropped me when I came out to them because they couldn't deal with it.  So, I just stayed closeted throughout college and basically kept my head down and plowed through classes. 

Happy Birthday SS  ♡♡♡

I'm sorry your ex was rude.  Those are  valid questions and you deserved an answer. *hugs*  What were you hoping would happen?

Seriously, kids can be so cruel! It's funny, kids try so hard to be a conformist in HS, but as they grow up try so hard to be individualistic. I say good riddance to them and kudos for you for having the courage and trust. Have you ever processed the hurt from those days?

As for hiking I know meetups can be a crapshoot. Have you visited hiking forums at all? There are usually ones for each state and also if you go to reddit, there are forums like reddit.com/r/hiking that cater to hikers. Perhaps you can branch off and try a meetup for something related? Something outdoorsy? Like a softball league, capture the flag, frisbee, volleyball... .

Do you like dogs? They're great hiking companions and I find my time volunteering at the animal shelter to be really rewarding. Almost evey animal lover I've met are kind, especially the ones I've met at the shelters.

Any interesting co-workers? (Now i know some people may say nay to hanging out with people you work with, but sometimes you can find some quality people!)

Also are you in any support groups? Perhaps a church?  I'm somewhat of a lapsed Catholic, but some of my closest friends are from Church.

Seriously, kids can be so cruel! It's funny, kids try so hard to be a conformist in HS, but as they grow up try so hard to be individualistic. I say good riddance to them and kudos for you for having the courage and trust. Have you ever processed the hurt from those days?

Mostly, yes.  The high school I went to was definitely NOT the high school I would have chosen.  Unless you were an athlete, it was the absolute worst.  So many other schools in the area are more balanced in their focus on athletics and the arts.  The school where I teach has a musical and also a play.  When I was in high school, I would have loved to have acted in a play, but we only had a musical, and I can't sing. 

As for hiking I know meetups can be a crapshoot. Have you visited hiking forums at all? There are usually ones for each state and also if you go to reddit, there are forums like reddit.com/r/hiking that cater to hikers. Perhaps you can branch off and try a meetup for something related? Something outdoorsy? Like a softball league, capture the flag, frisbee, volleyball... .

In general, Meetup is a crapshoot in my area.  Bigger cities have a lot, but I just don't have the time or money right now to be driving 1-2 hours to a big city all the time.  There is another outdoors group, but they don't have many meetings.

Do you like dogs? They're great hiking companions and I find my time volunteering at the animal shelter to be really rewarding. Almost evey animal lover I've met are kind, especially the ones I've met at the shelters.

I've considered working at the local SPCA, but again, time is an issue.  They require something like a minimum of 150 hours a year.  Next summer might work, to get in a lot of hours.  But once the school year starts, I work 7-3, go home, grade papers, eat dinner, shower, and go to bed.  Weekends are for grading and lesson planning.  The local shelter is also about 30 minutes away from where I live but about an hour away from where I work. 

Any interesting co-workers? (Now i know some people may say nay to hanging out with people you work with, but sometimes you can find some quality people!)

Teaching high school is as bad as being in high school.  I'm the youngest member of my department and the only unmarried member of my department.  Actually, in my hallway, I think I'm the only one who isn't married. 

One reason why my former friend BPD and I became friends is that everyone else in the department was basically paired off and we weren't.  Two of the other women are best friends.  Two of the guys are good friends.  They all either have kids or are trying to have kids.  Actually, that's basically all over the school.  Last year, just in my hallway, we had three teachers on maternity leave at the same time!  I've tried to hang out with my one co-worker, but she doesn't seem to want to hang out with me.  I asked her to go to lunch with me in June, and she acted like it was a chore.  Departments don't interact with each other.  The person I'm closest to is the librarian, and she's almost ready to retire. 

Also are you in any support groups? Perhaps a church?  I'm somewhat of a lapsed Catholic, but some of my closest friends are from Church.

I am agnostic, so no.  Also, I steer clear of churches.  Most of them around me are Baptist or Lutheran, and their stance on LGBT issues is just not something I can deal with.

I hate to sound so negative, but I also can't sugarcoat things.  I wish I was into raising dairy cows and hunting like everyone around me, but I'm just not. 

Thanks for the birthday wishes!   :)

I suppose I could have given her an example of a question in my message to her, but she always flipped out on me for sending long messages, so I tried to keep it as short as possible.

I was hoping she would at least give me something other than "No."  That's just so flippant and cold.  Two weeks ago, I texted her to thank her for sending me a card, and she was receptive.  She replied to three of my texts, and all of her replies were positive. 

I mean, I do understand.  She knows she lied and doesn't want to face her lies.  I got a similar reaction when I tried to bring up the fact that she said such bad things about her boyfriend.  If there is anything about BPD that really just makes me incredibly angry, it is the fact that they cannot take responsibility for their actions. 

I'm sure some of this has to do with the fact that I'm a teacher.  When questioned about cheating, I'd rather have a student say, "Yes, Ms. G, I cheated on the test" than have him say, "You can't prove it."  The first response gets a short lecture and a ":)on't do that again, or I'll call your parents."  The second one gets me on the phone with the assistant principal, asking him to look at the test and give me his opinion.  If he agrees, things go downhill for the student from there.   

I don't think you're being negative, you know what you don't like. It's difficult being far away from a city. I used to live in the midwest and know how plain life can seem.

So it sounds like school hasn't started yet? How have you been utilizing your free time these days? May be worth to make a few exceptions and drive into the city a few times while time allows. Or a change of scenery? Surely you have places you want to see, and traveling can be very satisfying. Just an idea... .it can be very cathartic... .to be reminded that life is dynamic and that joys can be found in the everyday. I remember moving to NYC for the first time and being blown away by all of it.

Music at every corner, lots of people, amazing food, etc... and most importantly to be with like-minded people

I'm getting ready to write a very, very big check for a down payment on a house, so traveling is unfortunately not an option right now.  I also have to buy all new furniture, kitchen gadgets, etc. because I'm moving out of my parents' house and they obviously need all their stuff.  I have to be very careful with money right now.

What's funny is that I hate cities.  I enjoy the things in a city, especially New York, but I hate the noise, the smells, the chaos.  I haven't ever really been to the cities nearest me, and I'm a bit leery of going by myself because they all have extremely high crime rates.  All cities have more crime than rural areas, generally speaking, but I always feel safe in the middle of Manhattan or Boston.  I can't say the same for the cities around me, unfortunately.