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Why do some BPDs obsessively stalk you but ignore you or act/say they don't want you at the same time?

My ex BPD lives to far away to physically stalk me but I know for a fact he obsesses about me constantly and stalks me constantly. This is carried out with silent phone calls from unavailable numbers. Calls and texts from random numbers. Social media stalking etc... But what I can't grasp is when I contact him he either ignores me or splits me black within days? Any thought welcome... although please don't question if the stalking is in my mind as I am 100% certain it's him.

X

Its siimilar to how a child takes care if old toys, or blanky, they have iut grow them but just incase they need it for comfort they want to know its thier. They can understand this, but its how thier minds ooerate

This is very similar to what's happening to me right now.  I know for certain that I'm being watched intermittently online, but all other signs point to being painted very seriously black.

Here are my theories on it.  (And knowing pwBPD, all of these may be true at different times.)

1.)  Triangulation.  Triangulation is basically where the pwBPD has two "significant other" relationships -- one that exists in reality, and the other that exists as potential.  This creates security for the pwBPD because it's as if they always have a "backup plan."  You may currently be the "backup plan" point in the triangle, the one that your pwBPD will fall back on if the current lifestyle doesn't pan out.  He doesn't want you, but in order to feel secure in his current pursuit, he needs to know you're there.  For me, right now, I think that my pwBPD identifies his "real" relationship as being with a group of people he went on a trip with earlier this year, while I am the backup plan.  He's just checking to see if his safety net is there.  The role of the potential person in the triangle is to be the "rejected one" -- this gives the pwBPD the feeling of being in control, or choosing from multiple options.  This kind of self-deception only works if the potential relationship in the triangle has real . . . potential.

2.)  It's a trap.  He's hoping that you will screw up and provide some material to help keep you painted black.  If you see my other threads, you can read about how my pwBPD makes a conscious effort to keep certain people black.  His emotions are unsustainable without constant input.  He may be looking for input to sustain his current mindset about you.

3.)  He is punishing you.  pwBPD have a very strong sense of what they would call "justice" but the rest of us would probably characterize as eye-for-an-eye revenge.  The intent isn't to remove you from his life, but to make you suffer.

Mine *can* physically stalk me, though I haven't seen evidence of that yet.  He definitely has made some efforts to know where I am, with whom, and when, though.  He certainly has the means to physically stalk me in several ways, and justify it to others too.  We'll have to see if it goes that far.

Hi Lou, I and another BPDer have had a similar experience to yours in the last year. In both our cases our relationships were seemingly good and our uBPDexs abandoned our relationships. And within a similar time frame after the breakups we both began receiving silent hangups and some cyber stalking. When we asked folks why, we both got answers that mostly had to do with telemarketers (pfft, right!).

Mine have stopped for the time being. I'm not sure if it's because she's found someone else or she's given up on me contacting her again BECAUSE when I did contact her about 3 months after she left,  she laid in to me as if I had caused the mess that is now between us. I believe it's called scapegoating. And from what I understand now about the BPD disorder, the pwBPD as a rule can not admit that they created the mess that exists with their partner.

In my case my uBPDexgf of 9.5 YEARS sent me a Dear Jane note that she typed and inserted into my birthday card that never explicitly said anything other than she was going down a different path. No why, no nothing. I have no idea to this day what the heck truly set her off and why our relationship is over. And I mean this sincerely. It's not an exaggeration.

Btw, we were a lesbian couple, however previous to our relationship, she had been married to a man she hated. (Who remarried 5 years ago and is quite happy with the new wife, so my uBPDexgf  didn't get back with her exH. I'm pretty sure he knows she's certifiable).

So my thought on why my ex does this:  Honestly I think what she did when she left our relationship she didn't mean to do. I mean she meant to "break up" but only to the point that I would still be on a leash to her. When I received that note, and called her (she let my call go to voicemail, didn't pick up) I let her have it. And I said some very not nice things. Given all she had done up to the moment I received the note,  she deserved worse. I apologized after 3 months, but the calls from her began before a month had passed when she left. I honestly now think the first hang up call was just her seeing whether or not I had changed my number. Like you, my ex can't physically stalk me, but given the chance, I bet she would have so that's why the calls. Btw, neither of us FB, but she has hit my LinkedIn account.

After the first call, I think she called because she was anxious and somehow hearing my voice calmed her down, but when I contacted her, first via email, then by sending her kid a birthday card and her a note, she let me have it via an email. And based on what she said, it was clear I was pretty black. I have no idea if I was black when she sent me the original Dear Jane note, there would be no reason for me to be. And given all the positive I had brought into her and her kids life, there was not a reason for her to paint me black EXCEPT in her head to do what she did, because she never told me she was unhappy.

So my thought on why my ex then painted me black after 3 months was nothing but one thing and one thing only: control. She wants to be in control of how all this transpires. Well I've given her what she wants. I've let her run back to the world she thinks she wants. And you know what? Those calls and cyber hits let me know one thing, she's not happy.

Maybe she is now. Her calls lasted 11 months. I'm not sure why they've stopped because I am sure there was someone when she sent me the note a year ago, otherwise she wouldn't have left. She's pretty chicken about things.

And here's another thing: I believe now I attributed less calls to her originally than she really made. I used to get spoofed calls and out of area private calls many times a week. Many. I actually logged the ones that I could specifically attribute to her. Most of her calls were during the day (when she was at work so her kids wouldn't walk in on her and give her away) and close to the top of the hour or the half hour. She is a therapist and her clients always come in at the top of the hour. Her hang ups usually came just before the top of the hour when she would see a client. The ones that came near the half hour was when the school she counsels at was on break and she had no clients to see. And the calls rarely happened on weekends or in the evenings. When they did I would know her kids were with their father.

Since her last call almost 7 weeks ago I literally have only gotten about 1 or 2 telemarketing calls a week. Some weeks I've had one or none. What that tells me is she was calling me more often than I realized or rather what I felt should be logged. And looking back at the number of calls, it was clear she was calling me about every other week! That's why it's good to log the calls, you can see patterns and also recognize how many times they really are calling.

So my feeling is that the calls are anxiety related, and I do think she wanted to speak but was afraid to. And when I contacted her and she put on her big act of how hurt and upset she was, it was about control. I think now she also wanted me to really chase her and "beg" for her back after she blasted me in her email. And then when I didn't contact her after that, I do think she was trying to pull me back in to contacting her again with the hang ups.

In my case, I desperately miss my ex. I loved her and her kids beyond measure. I know she was in love with me. But I just feel like after what she did, she should be the one to apologize to me. And she hasn't done that at any time in the last year. She has apologized in the past when she screwed up, so I know she knows how to do it. I also don't think I'm black at this point. I mean how could I possibly have triggered her being nowhere under her nose for quite a while? But with crazy, you never know.

So the anger is about control, and the hangups are about the realization they know they screwed up, they want it to be fixed, but they don't know how to do it. I didn't keep contacting my ex after 3 months. I gave her what she wanted. She kept calling me for the next 8. I could be wrong, but I don't think she's finished with her hang up calls.

Sorry this was long. If it helps, start a log of the calls. It may help you understand why he's calling. Eventually you may be able to figure it out just by recognizing when he's hitting you up.

Some very valuable insights their guys thank you

X

Weighing in here as well:

mine left abruptly almost a full year ago now and notified me only via text, I have not spoken with her since. Though she has blocked me on social media, I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends, via silent calls from spoofed numbers and so on. Meanwhile, I have reached out and she has gone to the cops and lawyers to try to scare me away from contact (threatening a PPO where there was no grounds for one).

Now, she has come across a friend of mine in another state who she does not know, began to text her... .THEN had a couple of phone conversations with her and ultimately sent her a friend request! (but later rescinded it!).

My ex reported to my friend that her life is in a bit of disarray (no replacement apparently) especially as it related to her now adult son. She confided in her that she has effed up everything in her life and is a bad mother (s19 cannot hold down a job for more than a week, couldn't handle 1 community college class and dropped out and has no future other than living in mom's apartment and playing video games).

I think that in this case, that she has come to that part in her life that she cannot any longer carry her albatross on her own and needed to reach out to SOMEONE as no one among her family or friends (what few there are), want to hear about it any longer. She went a long way to find this friend of mine and went WAY out on a limb by doing so, I speculate that communicating with my friend may have been a 'testing of the waters' or warm up to contacting me... .or not. But either way, I believe that it is considerable shame that keeps her away and extreme fear... .of what, I am not really sure. I can only guess that she believes that my reaction to what she had done if I am ever eyeball to eyeball to her will be considerably angry... .its just a guess.

Hmmm, so she rescinded the FB request now.  Your ex loves her some drama too, JRT.

Hmmm, so she rescinded the FB request now.  Your ex loves her some drama too, JRT.[/quote]
Yep! Though I suspect that part of why she did so what that my friend waited for several days in deference to me prior to accepting the request. My ex probably felt rejected since she did not respond and deleted it. Or so I guess... .

Shadow their in no doubt in my mind that it was indirectly meant for you as mine has done exactly the same. I believe that he doesn't want to be the one to reach out, not sure why... .rejection, fear, shame maybe I don't know for sure.

She retracted the request because she probably thinks you told your friend not to accept it and so she withdrew it to save rejection I'd say

X

Yeah... .I think that you are right Lou... .with a mix of thinking it was 'just not a good idea' along the lines of her breakup rationale to begin with. Interestingly, she admitted repeatedly to my friend that she has 'effed up everything' ostensibly referring to the relationship. Meanwhile, she has not blocked me via text but does not respond to the handful of texts which I have sent to her.

Ha JRT hence why I posted this post! Why contact your friend but ignore you? God only knows as this question holds no logic!

Wish I could help you! I know for a fact my BPD is obsessed with me but their has to be a major emotion attached to this obsession like fear, shame etc that prevents him from reaching out.

I would accept that maybe he just wants to know I'm their but he puts an awful lot of energy into 'just knowing I'm there' but maybe that's the answer!

X

It sure is confusing isn't it? Its like watching someone standing in the doorway of a burning house only one step away from safety but opting to remain the the doorway to face death; you want to just nudge them but you are too far away!

Just 2 weeks ago, mine got a hold of 3 people that remained FB with me and demanded that they block me (the bulk did so a year ago)... .the mindset is amazing.

And when was the last time you contacted her? Or she you?

I last spoke to her last September.

I tried to contact her immediately after the b/u like any normal person would I think, she had a lawyer send me a letter threatening a PPO. Then I sent her a letter in October, it was returned 'refused'. I tried to call in December, she called the cops insisting that I was 'stalking'. I backed off and sent her a text in July ... .she then responded with another letter from another attorney again threatening a PPO.

I finally threw up my hands and called it a day. Wanting to get me stuff back (including the engagement ring), I filed a small claims case. To this, she again went to the cops as it constituted 'contact' (even though there was no PPO or other legal boundary). She, somehow, convinced a young attorney to represent her against a tiny sum in court. I received a document from him today petitioning the court to throw out the case (my lawyer laughed).

Other than that and some bric a brac,  there has been no contact though it sounds to me from what my friend and her discussed, that her life is a wreck and she is beginning to grieve in reverse.

Hey Lou, if you've gathered! JRT was the other similar person I referred to with my original post. Our stories are very similar, except he has tried some more contact (and gotten his hand smacked, I might add). I haven't. I guess my fear got the best of me.

Referring to ur post above, what did you mean when you were addressing me. I wanted to be clear about what you were posting, but I gather you meant JRT instead of me. And thanks for bringing this topic up. Plenty of people have this happen to them by their exes but rarely do others give any meaningful insight. Hopefully in the future when someone else goes thru this, this thread will help them along their way.

Honestly JRT and I wouldn't say this unless I felt it was true because I know it has the potential to hurt your feelings but... .having just read that last post with some history and knowing that she ignored you is say you've got to consider that she is using you as bait. She contacts her FB friends to delete you, you then contact her to ask why, she then cries the victim who's still bring harassed by you. A lot of BPDs thrive on drama and especially so when they have nothing else going on! Be very aware of this one! Cunning indeed!

X

Apologies Shadow that was meant for JRT x

She definitely thrives on chaos and drama... .but I think that there is something else going on with her right now... .my friend believes that her life is at a cross roads... .she is not doing very well and is facing down some serious life problems and has no one to turn to for even understanding let alone support ... .I think that while her impulses are at work, that she is also hitting a point in her life that she is finally understanding that everything, invariably, that she touches gets effed up... .I sense that part of her reaching out to my friend was a HIGHLY trepidatious step towards me (though she might never go further down the road to doing so). Within her own disordered framework, she KNOWS that she screwed us up and that it is only her... .hence her extreme avoidance. She is expecting the reaction of a highly pissed off parent if we are ever in communicating distance... .thats her fear right there.

Oh there no doubt in my mind that all that was done to get your attention 1000% certain of that but the motive behind it smells very iffy to me!

X

Yeah... .thats where I'm a bit stumped: a big part of it reeks of 'help me, I'm stuck and I know I effed up' but the if that were the case, one would presume other behaviors. What do you suspect?

When my BPD splits me black, in his mind he absolutely does not want me. He wouldn't care if I dropped off the face of the earth. Every few weeks he comes back to either gain more sustenance to keep me black or because he's splitting me white. In fact either or of these indicates he's splitting me white otherwise he wouldn't reach out.

I honestly believe that when you are black there's no hope but... .WHEN you are white they absolutely can't help themselves in reaching out. Your BPD doesn't seem to me to be saying 'help me' as her measures are not desperate enough do you think? It's like she's baiting you to react so she can either cause drama that your stalking her again to fill her empty void or she needs to keep you split black to justify her ruining things so baiting you to respond is allowing her that need. I don't detect remorse here though! What's your thoughts?

X

JRT wrote--

Though she has blocked me on social media, I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends, via silent calls from spoofed numbers and so on.

----Many months ago, I looked at my ex's son's FB page, not since.  Now, out of the blue when I type in   'B'  in the FB search bar, the son's name/page comes up (his first name starts with 'B'.  Yet for the past months, when I'd type in 'B', his name never appeared.  I know the search bar includes people you looked at and people who looked at you.  I am curious if this means my ex/his son were looking at my page recently? This just started last week.

JRT wrote---

Now, she has come across a friend of mine in another state who she does not know, began to text her... .THEN had a couple of phone conversations with her and ultimately sent her a friend request! (but later rescinded it!).

---What other explanation could there be for her contacting your friend (since she isn't friends with the person)?.  Sounds like triangulation---involving a third person as a way to try to have some type of contact with you.  And also test the waters.

You know what maybe mine just wants the attention, nothing more or nothing less!

Yeah... .its like waiting for the guillotine to drop, lol ... I KNOW that its going to happen... .but WHEN... .and under what circumstances? I've known this since she disappeared. Uggh.

Well I guess somehow I got painted black unbeknownst to me as she hasn't called in about 7 weeks based on some of these suggested theories!

I'm being facetious!

JRT wrote

her life is a wreck and she is beginning to grieve in reverse.

------Does that mean delayed grieving?  Meaning not dealing with the pain of the loss at the point of breaking up, but much later?

JRT wrote----

Though she has blocked me on social media, I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends, via silent calls from spoofed numbers and so on.

----Many months ago, I looked at my ex's son's FB page, not since.  Now, out of the blue when I type in   'B'  in the FB search bar, the son's name/page comes up (his first name starts with 'B'.  Yet for the past months, when I'd type in 'B', his name never appeared.  I know the search bar includes people you looked at and people who looked at you.  I am curious if this means my ex/his son were looking at my page recently? This just started last week.  Thought of this when you wrote "stalking me there and through her son" meaning son's social media page I am guessing?

Yes... .it means that after all of the assuaging and, perhaps, effects of a replacement have worn off (or THAT relationship has also failed), that the effects of the loss of the non kick in well after the fact. It might also be prompted by their lives otherwise melting down and not having any place to where to turn.


I wish that I know more about how FB does the things that it does... .there sure are a lot of mysteries there.

Jrt wrote--

Yes... .it means that after all of the assuaging and, perhaps, effects of a replacement have worn off (or THAT relationship has also failed), that the effects of the loss of the non kick in well after the fact. It might also be prompted by their lives otherwise melting down and not having any place to where to turn.

---True. And at the breakup it may have been too painful for them to feel the loss. Later on, when the defenses come down, they start to really feel the pain.

I wish that I know more about how FB does the things that it does... .there sure are a lot of mysteries there.

-----I thought when you wrote: "I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends,"  that meant that you knew those people were using their accounts to look at yours?

I HAVE been able to determine this... .once via a ruse that I set up int he winter to see if she was stalking me (she fell for it)... .and most recently since I found out that the last three people that were connected to me that I met through her blocked me (rather than unfreinded); she had to get to my account with a dummy account, study my friends list THEN go into action when she found the stragglers (this was only 2 weeks ... .then of course this episode with a friend that I didn't have when she and I were together and every manner of activity in between such as her son and his girlfriend accosting me at a local mall or one of her girlfriends tirades when she contacted me via IM! She contacted me daughter on social media, her son ranted to my cousin about me without solicitation, her GF's have contacted me on dating sites, the various silent calls that I was receiving daily for several months... .etc, etc,

For someone who is quick to call the police or enlist the assistance of the first available attorney to do a pro bono letter for her, both threatening that I am a 'stalker' (I have called her a total of TWICE via phone over the course of the past 12 months and zero times int he last 9), she sure does enough of it on her own! You would think that someone who has demonstrated the type of fear and avoidance that she has would not be engaged in these sorts of activities.

JRT wrote--

every manner of activity in between such as her son and his girlfriend accosting me at a local mall or one of her girlfriends tirades when she contacted me via IM! She contacted me daughter on social media, her son ranted to my cousin about me without solicitation, her GF's have contacted me on dating sites, the various silent calls that I was receiving daily for several months... .etc, etc,

----- It sounds like a combination of things:

===Triangulating  (she is bringing in her relatives and trying to involve you, she is contacting a friend of yours who wasn't even friends with her,  she is contacting your daughter... .

=====What was going on with her friends contacting you on dating sites?  She must have looked u up on them or she wouldn't have found you there. Were they trying to approach you? Do you think it was a test to see if you'd take the bait and date them?

=====It sounds also like projection (she is lookiing you up all over the place and connecting with your friend, but accusing you of stalking)... .and also

projective identification (she projects out the "blame" for stalking, hoping you'll  "take on"  the feeling that she apparently may have... .instead of her feeling "Oh wow, I'm stalking and trying to connect" she hopes you'll feel "Oh wow, I'm stalking and trying to connect"  (even though you're really not)

----- It sounds like a combination of things:

===Triangulating  (she is bringing in her relatives and trying to involve you, she is contacting a friend of yours who wasn't even friends with her,  she is contacting your daughter... .

Very much so!

=====What was going on with her friends contacting you on dating sites? It didn't go to any extreme other than looking me up. The site I use tells you who visited your profile and its not a secret at all. In fact its something that is built in and prominent.   She must have looked u up on them or she wouldn't have found you there. I am thinking the same thing. Were they trying to approach you? no but I also suspect that there were same fake profile created to return to check me out again like the one with the handle 'JRT 1234" with no information populated into the profile.  Do you think it was a test to see if you'd take the bait and date them? I don't feel that this is the case especially since I am painted black to them as well. I think that it was just run of the mill stalking.

=====It sounds also like projection (she is lookiing you up all over the place and connecting with your friend, but accusing you of stalking).YES!... .and also

projective identification (she projects out the "blame" for stalking, hoping you'll  "take on"  the feeling that she apparently may have... .instead of her feeling "Oh wow, I'm stalking and trying to connect" she hopes you'll feel "Oh wow, I'm stalking and trying to connect"  (even though you're really not)[/quote]
I have not heard of projective identification... .thats interesting... .is it just a sub behavior (so to speak) of projection in general? Any links you might be able to suggest so that I can learn more about it?

My ex definitely has it set up so that he has control over whether I see or contact him.  I am not sure what would happen if I tried, because I haven't.

However, mutual friends tell me that he is still single.  There is no replacement.  And he stalks me every few days on social media.

I wonder if he really intended to break up with me at all, or just to keep me at arm's length for a while.  I guess time will tell.

It's hard to know if he's just ashamed to talk to me again, or really wants me gone.

Here is a link for a discussion of projection (I'm not angry, you are angry) and projective identification (I'm not angry, you are angry ---- and you actually begin to feel the anger I am projecting onto you)

www.dailykos.com/story/2013/05/13/1187645/-Psychology-Of-Hatred-Part-II-Projection-Projective-Identification#

Interesting... .I have these same questions where I am pretty sure that mine is also single, after a year! But even now, I wonder if she had intended something entirely different to transpire. Maybe it's good to know that someone out there can relate.

My ex seemed to have an incredibly naive view about how breakups have a ripple effect through a group of friends, seeing as his only other serious relationship was a LDR with a married (separated) woman in another state.

A couple hours after breaking up with me, he signed up to go to a dinner party with a group of mutual friends -- and me! -- that was to occur two weeks after the breakup.  I guess he thought we would all show up and chat like nothing happened?

He also said his final "Goodbye" to me in the message, but then mentioned that he might see me when we go out with friends.  Talk about a mixed message!  I think he was a very confused person.

He was so focused on his own anxiety and eliminating it in that moment, he completely didn't understand what breaking up really meant.  After his last breakup, his friends all went out and celebrated together.  After this one, he figured out the hard way that he may have lost a lot of friends.   

So I do wonder if this outcome was intended.  I tend to think not.  I'm sure he uses it all to paint me really black, but he's getting really isolated.  I have spent the past couple days talking to mutual friends who can still talk to him and make sure he's okay.

Thanks for this link Shatra... .I got goosebumps at the quote 'You think... .'... .upon post recycle conversations, it was the lead off statement (ALWAYS way off base) that established her rationale for running.

I have been so mindful of her boundaries and paranoid of drawing the wrath of the law over the course of this episode, that not only did I really realize that she has ZERO legal power over me towards a PPO or otherwise but that I didn't come to realize that she had become a stalker (a very crafty and stealthy one) while my mind was focused elsewhere.

Its coming upon the 12 month anniversary of the breakup... .I wonder what the next couple of weeks will bring... .

Another observation that resonated with me as well; they just don't seem to know the full extent of what a breakup really means.

We had recycled at one point for 2 or 3 weeks. I tried hard to get her to answer her phone and talk but she would not reply. It was early in our relationship and I just figured it was dead and moved on. At that point there was little emotional investment that prevented me form dating quickly so I reactivated my online dating sire profile (where I had met her) and started socializing.

Of course, we got back together again where she had stalked me there and was LIVID, absolutely steamed that I went back to dating. I pointed out that we had broken up and she gave me a very confused look and said nothing more. But it was clear that dating was NOT ok on some level and pointed to her not knowing exactly what a breakup normally entailed.

To this day, I wonder if it was not intended to be a permanent thing... .

A quote from this article:

"

Healthy anger comes and goes quickly, but many people are enraged more or less all the time.  It's a hell of drug, but they need to get their fix several times a day. As I said above, they need three forms of anger in a more or less continuous rotation:

1)  They need to be angry at someone

2) They need someone to be angry at them

3) They need an audience of people to be angry with them.  

Not everyone will be their codependent soul-mate, but they can manipulate family members, coworkers, and even complete strangers into playing these roles by using  projective identification."

My first thought was "Holy smokes! This is my uBPDexgf to a tee! And the most astonishing is #2 They need someone to be angry at them.

I am pretty sure now, just based on the info here that her actions in ending our relationship weren't only related to her being a gutless coward, but also in managing to create a situation between us where I, if I were any kind of a thinking human, would be angry at her! And amazingly, the article even answers that they do this even unbeknownst to themselves, I.e. They're in DENIAL of what their actions are creating for them!

This does put a new perspective on my relationship with my ex.

OP, so sorry to have strayed so far off course, and you are the one who is most important. But maybe have a read of this article. It might offer you some insight as well, particularly if your partner has an anger issue. Mine does. I know it hasn't miraculously disappeared because we aren't together. She was a hothead the day I met her and blamed it on being Hispanic. Right... .

I posted online -- in a place my ex can see it -- that I'm going to a speed dating event this week.  I wondered if he would react to that in any way.  I wonder if that made him mad at me.  I still don't think that he meant it to be permanent.

Since our breakup was based on engulfment fears, I'm making a point of very visibly moving on so that he doesn't think I'm desperate/stalking/etc.  That's what he asked me to do, and I listened.

Around the time I did it, he had all but disappeared from the only social media site that is the last one where I can see him.  The day after I posted the online dating thing, he reappeared.  Hmmm.

I also oddly wonder if he's hoping I'll look him up to talk.

Don't forget the emotional amnesia thing, too -- once a pwBPD wants you back, they forget what it felt like not to want you.  So in their minds, that gap in the relationship almost doesn't exist.

Hey GEM just a thought but would you consider sending your BPD a little message just asking how he is? Kind of an olive branch thing. The reason a I ask is because their is a very good chance your BPD will talk to you based on my previous experiences. I did have to do a lot of the running with my BPD because he doesn't have the ability to. Once he gave me silent treatment for 2 months when I should of had an apology. It wasn't until I reached out that we discussed it.

This time however I am not due to the pattern of the relationship, it needs to change.

Just a thought

X

Since our breakup was based on engulfment fears,

I suspect that mine had something to do with engulfment as well... .I wonder if you can expound on this at all as it relates to your R/s and b/u? Don't want to hijack the thread, PM is ok if needed.



Don't forget the emotional amnesia thing, too -- once a pwBPD wants you back, they forget what it felt like not to want you.  So in their minds, that gap in the relationship almost doesn't exist.

I am hearing about this for the first time as well. Have you come across this on other threads? [/quote]

My ex is hanging out with some friends downtown in a couple days and I am technically invited.  I could go and see what happens, but I doubt it would be good.  He did tell me explicitly never to contact him again.

My ex broke up with me because I was clingy and guilt tripped him for how he was treating me.  That is why it's an engulfment breakup.

GEM would you not have the perfect excuse to text to clear the air before you see each other? Yep mine told me he never wants to speak to me again and other obsenities but I know he didn't mean it.

You describe your BPD exactly like mine and up to now he's never had the ability to reach out and that's even after something particularly bad happened which I won't go into.

Of course if this is totally against what your boundaries then pls ignore me but 18 months in and being stubborn got me nowhere. Neither did being emotional or asking any demands.

I'm still trying to figure this one out but I honestly don't expect any direct contact. Infact the best direct contact I got was through my friend who he pretended to text by accident and that was when he was really desperate.

I wouldn't expect to much from him... x

I got clingy and guilt tripped him after he went on a vacation without me with a bunch of other women, neglected to call me when promised, and responded to my concerns with the silent treatment.  He drew first blood.  Up until that I was not clingy AT ALL.

I am not sure I am comfortable showing up where he is.  If I do that, he might simply respond by disappearing altogether so that I never know where he is, and then it's all done.  It's weird, though, because on some level, I feel like he reads it as rejection that I *don't* show up where he is.  He has really bad social anxiety and NEVER makes the first move on anything -- not with women, not even with things we had done before when we were dating.  So maybe I will have to make a first move to get him back.  I'm just not sure it's the right time yet. 

I'm also just emotionally crushed today.  I am having a hard time staying caught up at work because I'm depressed.  Not good.

I saw a pic of my ex on Facebook from two days ago.  I don't know if it was my imagination, but he looked a little gaunt and older.

Lou12, did your ex block you on social media too?  I'm blocked on everything.

Yes blocked me on all social media after an awful event that he could not handle emotionally. The thing is GEM I know my BPD is obsessed with me, he also holds a lot of anger towards me and I think that's because he wants me so bad but can not bare the vulnerability it leaves him in, he feels way to unsafe dealing with these emotions.

I know he convinces himself though that he's better off without me. He blames me for his emotions but I do take partial responsibility because I was very emotional and made him feel more unsafe.

My BPD is yet to feel fully abandoned because I know he convinces himself he can have me at any time. This is due to the fact that I was very straight with how I felt about him. Obviously I didn't realise at the time how much engulfment was a bigger problem so I am planning to see how he responds now I have cut all contact.

I'm very intuitive about his moods and right now I know he is giving me signals to contact him but that's more to see if I am still available as oppose to him feeling abandoned so I'm ignoring it all. I need more results this time.

It's very hard though as during the idealisation phase they lead you into a false sense of security but when they split you they can act like they don't even know you.

I've told you this before but it quite extraordinary how alike our BPDs are, all you write could be wrote about mine.

Mine so far has never chased me, but the shear joy in his voice when I contacted him let me know he was sat waiting. Maybe it's compensatory narcissism, maybe fear of rejection, maybe it's a personal deal he made with himself but I have yet to see him chase.

I do imagine him sitting their suffering because he's an loner introvert anyway. He has friends but prefers his own company. I do believe he has different girls contacting him but I know he's constantly seeking perfection and won't settle.  I maintain to this day that until he finds someone who he deems better than me then he's going nowhere. When/if he does I'll be dropped on my head without a second glance.

Like you I wasn't clingy at all, until an event happened where it called for emotion and he couldn't handle it. Cut me off completely.

If your suffering that bad then contact him but only if you can handle the rejection. If the rejection would make you feel worse then don't chance if. I never had any of the reasons to contact my BPD as we have no mutual friends and live a distance apart but you have every excuse to say. 'Hey left clear the air, before we meet In front of everyone' x

Oh and he wouldn't unblock me either until I asked. Then he'd pretend he'd totally forgot he done that to me! Yeh right he knows exactly what he's doing with every bit of social media it's all planned!

I genuinely actually believes that he sits there plotting what he will do to me next. I get a lot of punishment and that I could never understand but know I realise it's because of the pain he's in.

They do sound eerily similar.

Mine has a pretty well-established 3-5 month cycle.  He can sustain an emotion for about that long and then it shifts.  I am 6 weeks out of the breakup.  So I suspect he's not at a point yet where he'd be receptive to seeing me.  Ideally, I'd like him to be pretty desperate when I contact him, however awful that sounds.  When his mother was alive, he once stayed away from her for four months straight, even though he didn't live far away.  That seems to be about how much time he needs to recover from engulfment, and then he gets lonely and wants to be loved again.

He checks up on where I'll be pretty often according to social media, but like you, I think that's more to see if I'm available yet than to actually get back with me.  He seemed to panic once when I disappeared for a while and go into stalker mode, but that seems to have passed now.

He is a perfectionist when it comes to partners, too, and is really picky about who he dates.  I doubt he will ever find someone better than me, especially with his appearance/job/money/age issues.  Even if he does, he is really lacking in the crucial social skills of dating, and rarely makes it past 2-3 weeks dating someone. 

In all honesty I've never let it get that far because I've always reached out to him but not this time, I plan to hold out for a long time. Possibly by then I will be less interested in seeking him out.

Mine definitely believes I am out of his league but he does everything in his power to make himself believe he's the one that doesn't want me. When im split he thinks of me as crazy, a stalker, untrustworthy, feisty/aggressive, controlling, trying to trap him by pregnancy and last time we spoke he even said that I would probably murder him lol (praying that's not projection) but these are all the things he thinks I am to protect himself from dealing with how he really feels.

It's so so sad especially when two people actually want each other but hey ho I've been down this route before of feeling frustrated about BPD and I'm hopefully over it. I accept his condition now and know I am not able to change it

X

With the exception of the pregnancy and murder bits, this sounds exactly like my situation.   Though he did say his ex was going to murder him, so who knows.  You sure this isn't the same guy?  lol

My ex is not exactly what you call a "catch" and a woman needs to show really overt interest in him for him to reciprocate.  I invited myself on my first date with him, and only after that did he *tentatively* ask me out on a second date, but he even masked that by asking another friend of mine along too.  Basically a woman needs to throw herself at him or he's not confident enough to pursue her.  To be blunt, he is a 40-year-old man with financial problems, an unusual/rough appearance, no job, and he's also basically a hoarder.  So how many women will throw themselves at him?  I'm not worried about him finding a replacement.  (Why do I want him?  His intellect is what attracted me.  We have great chemistry and can talk for hours.)

The problem with my ex, though, is that he absolutely thrives off the drama of a breakup.  He loves the task of outsmarting the woman, making sure she can't find him, blocking her, and generally playing a giant mind game.  This gets him almost as "high" as the relationship did.  I need to wait for the fun to wear off outsmarting me, because if I don't, everything that I do as far as contact will feed the perceived conflict and he will see it as a challenge.  I am convinced that this is one of the main reasons he enjoys watching me online -- it feeds his need to outsmart and outrun me.  With his last girlfriend, as soon as she was good and gone and the mind game lost its fun, he started to miss her like crazy.  But she was *gone.*  I am assuming the same thing will happen here, in a few weeks, when the fun wears off.

You may have heard of very high dopamine people pursuing goals that they don't even want to achieve because their brain chemistry is like a runaway train.  They do things to prove they can, and shortly thereafter, they lose interest.  In this case, I think that my ex needs to "prove" that I can't and won't control him.  Once he is satisfied that he has proven that, he will realize it's not what he really wanted.

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