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I've been in a relationship for about two years now.  I am pregnant with his and my only child, daughter :).  We work at the same place, live together, do everything together. I have recently been taking extra days off of work, because in 9 days is my due date... .But a lot of people at our work place come to him telling him to "make sure that baby is his" and "is he sure he really want to be with me" things like that. When he asks the people if they have seen something or what they are talking about. the response is always the same, "Oh I don't want to get into your personal life." or "I don't want to cause problems." He comes to me and starts accusing me of cheating on him, saying "Oh, this person has no reason to come to me and say that if nothing was happening." I work in sales, i have customers come to me constantly and flirt with me, My brother comes and hangs with me for hours, even helps me close sometimes. These people that are talking about me can see this aswell. I have never cheated on him, but i did cheat on my ex with him, but soon after left my ex for him because I was unable to hurt someone like that. Now, for the past year he comes to me asking if I am or ever have cheated on him, with his friends, with co-workers, or anyone he can think of. He tells me he is going to get a paternity test once i have this little girl, "Cause he's not sure." People around us has convinced his that I have or am cheating on him, I don't know how to cope with it anymore. I try to convince him that I have never done that... I truly love this man and want our family to be strong and lasting, but i see it crumbling every day. I tried taking him to a couples concealer he said it was a wait of money and wouldn't go. I dont have any friends to keep any thoughts from entering his head, I dont go anywhere to show him he has nothing to worry about. I rarely even see my family anymore cause he gets concerned that i may be seeing some dude instead of seeing my family. I just want some advice on what I should do, I cry on a daily basis because I can't think of anything else, & i know if this continues our relationship won't. I dont want to loose him and I don't want him to life with these thoughts in his head. He even put this spy thing on my phone that shows him everywhere i go through gps, all my text messages, call logs, emails, even browser history, photos, contact information. everything. when i saw he put this on my phone, months after. I had the option of turning it off and deleting it, but decided if it makes him feel more comfortable might as well leave it. Several times he has woken up saying he has dreams about me cheating on him, and it hurts. I have no one to talk to about this and need some advice. Please... .

IamMe716, welcome to the Board,       despite the circumstances!

Personally I think you are being abused! Abused in a very cruel emotional way!

As from my experiences, the feelings of your partner are transformed into ‘facts’. 

So in that way it is very difficult to change his feeling.

Techniques can be learned (see this Board) to communicate in a healthy or healthier way  (techniques like SET ).

It takes time and a lot of effort/practise.

As for now I would guess that you start to set boundaries, boundaries for your own health AND that of your baby! Doing so will cause, for certain, a clash with your partner. Please read lessons, right side ----------------->  

Maybe for now (being a few days before giving birth) tell him in a firm but not emotional way to stop about this subject as you (in fact both) need to concentrate on birth (he can address his ‘concerns’ a few weeks after birth…) Avoid at any costs to be pulled into his discussion (walk away for example).

As for seeing your family, just GO!

Do not let him isolate you, that is a behaviour many pwBPD and NPD exhibit, ending up in total control and leaving you in a desperate dependent position wondering your own sanity!


I see a lot of HIM, to let him feel more comfortable... .

As example of my experiences. Back in the 90ties when mobiles became mobile, both, exw and me, bought one,

Hers was… private… Mine was… ‘for all/for her too’…   Huh, really?

So what I did (yes confrontational, evolving in a big clash!) was that I openly took her phone, opened it and started reading a message loud.

As bit by a snake… exw’s wanted to grab her phone, didn’t succeed.

So I gave her a choice: private – private of for all – for all…  for all it became (of course! 1st  it became HER choice, 2nd SHE can’t control HER curiosity…)   

Don’t understand me wrong, I don’t want to hurt nor invalidate!

Maybe part of it is against your nature of doing, pick what you feel comfortable with.

Many others on this section (Staying Board) will have better advice as they are still in their r/s, while I am out after a 30+ yrs. and my techniques might be fading.

One thing however I learned is that although sometimes very hard, I had my boundaries that exw tried to cross many, many times, but faced many, many times firm boundaries.

Hope you will give birth to a wonderful, beautiful and healthy baby!

Welcome IamMe,

first take good care of yourself and your baby. This got to be your first priority at the moment.

When you have time go through the LESSONS and read up on validation. One of the most important things to learn is how to validate negative thoughts and emotions.

He is... .

... .afraid you are cheating.

... .anxious when you are not close.

... .wonders whether you truly love him.

... .want to know everything.

... .afraid of loosing you.

... .a bit jealous.

... .been hurt in the past.

... .struggles to trust.

etc...

The key taking away here is that telling him that you "can be trusted", "have not cheated" etc. won't help him regulate his emotions while telling he is afraid to be be cheated upon helps him tuning it down a little. Denial makes matters worse. Avoid JADE - Justification, Arguing, Defending and Explaining - all that tends to make matters worse.

A relationship needs mutual respect and some privacy goes a long way to avoid unnecessary triggers. Right now your partner is on the more extreme privacy invading side of the spectrum. This is not all a problem of your partner - some of that you have allowed to happen in exchange of a short reprieve - don't beat yourself up for it you only did what many here have done. But with pwBPD it does not work to yield and yield. They will push on without limits - not having a good sense what generally accepted limits are to be followed is one hallmark of pwBPD. So right now you find yourself in a corner  . Don't worry - it is possible to roll this back - to do that will however require to take a stand at some point in time. For the time being treat him with respect and where you can insist to be treated with respect too. Don't tell but show that you won't tolerate disrespect. Wherever you take a stand do it consistently - he will escalate (extinction burst) and it is important to not back down (within safety reasons). Backing down when taking a stand makes matters much harder to change later.

A new baby is a big change. Validate that he feels neglected, you are distracted, worry so much about the baby, he is not getting so much attention, it is unfair on him... .

For the time being educate yourself and take good care of you.

*welcome*.,

a0