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I have had a pretty lonely few months. One of my closest friends, whom I've known since we were teenagers, entered a serious relationship and didn't seem to have time for me any more. I don't expect our level of contact to remain the same now he has a girlfriend, but when he went a few weeks without contacting me at all (in spite of my attempts to reach out) I felt really hurt, especially as I had provided him with a lot of support when he was suffering from depression and OCD. He knows about my situation with my ex with BPD and he basically went off-radar right after a conversation in which I'd told him how depressed I felt. When we did talk, mostly over IM (we live in different cities these days), I noticed that I was doing most of the talking and he was just giving short replies. I was reminded very strongly of how my ex with BPD used to behave - the seemingly offhand communication, the way I only felt valued when he needed me for something, the inequality of the arrangement (me providing support but getting none). Today this friend messaged me on Facebook saying it's been far too long since we spoke. I was so happy to hear from him, until I noticed that once again I was saying everything and he was saying barely anything. I felt tearful, and I snapped. I told him what I'd noticed. I told him that I'd had a very rough time and he hasn't been around, and that it hurts. Then I immediately froze and wished I could take my words back. I was frightened of the explosion.

It never came. He apologised. He also didn't make excuses the way my ex would have done (in the best-case scenario, assuming he didn't just get aggressive). He actually said, "I've been remiss." He suggested regular times in the week when we can phone each other.

I'm sitting here stunned. I was upset with an old school friend, I told my friend why, and rather than turning on me and making the whole problem about me, he just said sorry and offered ways to make it better.

In my relationship with my BPD ex I forgot how normal interactions are supposed to work. Telling people when they've done something to bother me has never been easy for me, but after that relationship I became positively terrified of it - doing so was never worth the consequences with my ex, and I suppose I've been conditioned to think that other people will react as he would. Today I took a brave step and found out they don't. :)

Thank you for sharing this story about taking a risk to express your feelings in a relationship.  I am slowly learning, as it sounds like you are too, that this is what real intimacy is about - neither blaming others nor blaming/punishing self, but sharing the vulnerable feelings, and making requests to have our needs met. 

It sounds like it was a positive learning experience for you, to do this, fear the worst (legitimately, based on your past experiences) and discover that your friend responded in a way that increases emotional intimacy.  I have to point out, too, and you may know this already... .that had he gotten hostile or defensive... .if someone responds to you that way, that's about their level of emotional maturity, not yours? 

Yes, it's true that there are ways we can ask that make it easier for others to hear us (I mention Nonviolent Communication a lot) but the burden of "doing it right" isn't all on you.  There's at least one other person in all of your interactions.  :)

This has been a huge wake up call for me too. Learning how normal interactions are supposed to happen is one thing, but expecting the same problems that interactions in my relationship with my uBPDstbxh has been a huge adjustment. 

I'm in the early months of a new relationship and we've had some simple "discussions" about things we were trying to understand about the others' perspective.  I can't even call them arguments, just differences of opinion/experience that we were talking about.  My anxiety after a decade of raging over the slightest thing (and sometimes seemingly out of nowhere), was huge.  But there's a normal pattern of interaction that I'm learning is the new normal.  It's been an absolutely amazing learning experience and one so important to my healing. 

Oh God... .yeah, for me it was just anger of any kind. Not from my xwBPD so much (he bailed early while I was still seeing his healthy and compassionate side) but from my FOO. Specifically my dad. Throughout my teens and early twenties I was terrible at getting angry at people, ever; I'd just turn it inward and get depressed instead. I finally figured out it was because I didn't believe anyone would "put up" with me getting angry; they'd just leave. It was such a miracle to start discovering that I can get angry with people and they'll actually engage with me and discuss it and even apologize... .like a whole new world... .I still have to consciously remind myself sometimes that anger is okay, but man, am I better off now than I was ten years ago... .