BPDFamily.com

Hi 


Just wondering if any ones ex left them for someone better looking , more successful etc ?


How did you deal with that if so ?

Yup my Ex new fiancé is beautiful and is a realtor

I guess we both need to upgrade as well stacma04


Which in the personality department will be easy when it comes to my ex  :)

Well the sudden discard left my own self esteem pretty shattered for quite some time, so I felt lower than a dog.  My dBPDex fiance's initial replacement had a nicer car than me but otherwise was a scumbag.  My ex actually ended up his side girl until it all crashed and burned 4 months later.  I was still grieving and trying to reconcile like a fool for about 7 months.  My ex's scrambles to find any warm body (but me) continued to bruise my confidence.  I wondered why she was infatuated with an overweight alchoholic with a dead end job, what made him better than me?  Eventually I stopped taking it personally.  It slowly sunk in how disordered my dBPDex really is.  She went through at least 8 different men in the year after she discarded me, each one failing in short time.  I stopped worrying about her so much and focused more on me.  The less energy I spent pondering her the better I got.  It was a slow process.

It has been a little over a year since that woman walked out of my life.  In that time I have lost 60 lbs (I am in the best shape of my life), doubled my income and am less than a year from completing my education.  A very dear friend of mine is now my lovely, healthy, supportive girl friend.  The farther I get from my BPDex, the better my life gets.  All that soul crushing toxic behavior is in the past and I can spend all that free energy healing and improving myself.  At this point it makes no difference if my ex managed to hook the man of the year.  For one I know that I dodged a bullet, the next in line will either get out fast when the crazy manifests or suffer a slow vampiric death until they are discarded.  My life is great now.  A year ago was the lowest point of my life, I have never worked through so much pain.  I think I have walked away from it a better man, wiser and far more disciplined.  The fallout galvanized me to love myself first, work on me.  With this, good things have slowly fallen into place.  I can't say that I am 100% over the experience, I'm not sure it will ever be to that point but I am a stronger person than I was before I ever met that BPD girl.

Hey reluctant thanks for sharing I'm a year out but still have a ways to go


I hope in time I will be fully healed and better for the whole experience I'm on the right track and therapy is showing me how this really is all about me my issues my foo my pain my self esteem etc


Knowing my ex i suppose even if she got "man of the year" he too would die a slow vampiric death or would be as unhealthy as I was / am to have danced the dysfunction for so many years

Hi dobie,

Do you feel like you are measuring your self-worth with your replacement?


That's wise ReluctantSurvivor  |iiii your value doesn't decrease based on somebody else, take your compassion and turn it inward with self compassion.

It feels like my replacement is better than me. She and I are very very similar in many ways - she works in a closely related field (she's a trainee play therapist and children's social worker), but considering that she's four years younger than I am, she's got much further in her career. She's into animal rights like me and she's vegan, but unlike me she can cook complicated and delicious dinners when a simple baked potato is all I can manage without wrecking the kitchen. She's very sociable and is able to put people at their ease instantly, whereas I come across as shy and awkward. She is fluent in the two languages I've been spending ages trying to learn, fluent enough to teach courses in them. And she is prettier than I am. One hurtful memory of my ex is him opening the door to me after I'd been visiting my parents in a different country for several weeks and letting me into the apartment with zero enthusiasm, no hug, no welcome. My replacement was standing in the kitchen (she is my ex's flatmate) and now I realise that he was probably emphasising how uninterested he was in me for her benefit, because they were a couple a month later. I felt hurt. The first thing he said to me, taking in my short haircut, was, "You look like you were attacked by a barber bear." I have to keep my hair short for disability-related reasons, as I don't have the motor coordination to brush it well. It's always been this length ever since I've known him, so I was puzzled by the comment as well as hurt - I'd had it trimmed, not altered drastically. My replacement has beautiful elbow-length shiny hair.

So when he sprung the news on me that they were together, I felt like utter crap. It was if he had upgraded to a better, more competent version of me. I felt discarded and unwanted, a broken old toy that got chucked out to make way for the shiny new one. Who would want me when they could have her instead?

I have to remember that my ex lied to her - he stayed in a pseudo-relationship with me right up until he got together with her, whilst telling her that we had been completely platonic for a year, and I have no reason to think that he had a change of heart and told her the truth. Their relationship is founded on that lie, and on how many others? She could be the most wonderful person in the world and it wouldn't change anything about him and how he behaves in relationships. One day she is very likely to find herself hurting as I'm hurting now. Her skills and qualities are no protection against the cruelty that he's capable of inflicting. It doesn't stop me from feeling inadequate, but it does remind that how I compare to her has no bearing on why my relationship with my ex failed: it was nothing to do with me not being 'good enough', it was to do with him being ill. I have also had to face the fact that he dates anyone who likes him and gives him affection. I've known him ever since he had his first girlfriend and he basically goes to anyone who's interested. I have always been uneasy about that, and back when we were just friends I tried to speak with him about it tactfully. Once he showed some awareness of it, burst into tears, and told me, "If it wasn't for you I'd just end up in anybody's bed." I avoided this aspect of his personality when we got together, because I wanted to believe that I was special to him, not just 'anybody'. But I was one of a line. And so is my replacement. The chief reason he got together with either of us is that we were willing to be with him, and given the typical BPD fear of abandonment and craving to be loved, I would guess this is pretty common for many sufferers.

My replacement is a low level drug dealer who lives on a commune where he grows and sells cannabis. Although she admitted as much that he is indeed a textbook loser, she said he's a kind and gentle soul. Maybe he is.

A recent but still to be confirmed rumour claims that he's actually pretty abusive. He's made a living from conning older women in the past and he tried to expand his current business by growing cannabis in her yard behind her back. Most of his money is spent on drugs and junk food and he's trying to force her to take out life insurance and add him as recipient. He dislikes all her friends and tries to replace them with his own. The list goes on. Apparently she's terrified of him. If this is all true her life must be hell.

I have my limitations but I think I did better than him.  :)

Mine is 18 years younger than me, 8 years younger than her. She went for what she thought was better at the time, and that he's better looking and in better shape probably helps, too. Now two years after she ended us, 4 months of marriage and co-habitation later, she's having regrets that maybe he isn't better than me.

Trying to nail down the motivations of what a pwBPD is attracted to (apart from the standard list that applies to anyone) is hard because their feelings change, their emotions are often uncontrollable, and many suffer from disturbed identities.

Wow! How's that for one MASSIVE Red Flag? I bet you'd run a mile if you heard anyone say that to you again?

Your replacement may be better than you at languages and cooking but she will not fare any better against his disorder than you did. But by your own eloquent words you know that already.

I don't know much about my replacement apart from how he looks, so I have no idea what type of personality he is. He was very creepy towards my uBPDex while we were still dating. She dyed her hair and he wanted to as well. They were organising trips together and I wasn't allowed to say anything because she accused me of not trusting her around guys. It seems that he is a complete opposite to me and has a lot of features which my uBPDex waif pretty much forbid me from having. This guy has facial hair which my ex found very unattractive, so I wasn't allowed to have any. This guy is pretty buff, which my ex insisted she didn't like. He also seems to be shorter than me, just a bit taller than my ex. Height was very important to her when we were dating.

So I don't really think he's any better or worse than me. I definitely don't dislike the guy, since I've never met him and I totally understand how he got caught up in this relationship, since I did too. If anything it just shows me how unstable my uBPDex was. She just moulds her likes to whichever guy gives her attention. She did it to me at the start of our relationship and she's doing it to this guy too. Good luck to them.

I've seen a photo and FB profile (including gushing about the roses my ex sent her just weeks after I ended our marriage and about how in love they are... .).  For the 3rd time that I know of (I was #2), he chose a very overweight woman who likely has a lot of low self esteem issues.  Over the past  4 years I lost 140 lbs and gained my self confidence back, which led to other inner self improvement and finally, ending my marriage when I could no longer cope with the lies and hang onto the hope I did for most of a decade that things might get better.  I don't for one second think my replacement is better than I am.  She's obviously as "broken" as I was when I met him and fell for all the mirroring and how fast things moved just like I did.  All I feel is pity for her and her child as they will eventually go through what I did since he honestly doesn't get it that the problem is HIM.

Hi mutt ,

Yes it does the guy is younger , better looking it feels like she upgraded

I closed my old FB account, for reasons unrelated to my Ex, though I had blocked her anyway.

I checked her profile last month with my new account (which is more my online album for the kids). She had a post that went something like,."despite my moodiness and being difficult, you still stand by me." This was to her H.

A month later, she's tellingg me she's severely depressed, and that she regrets leaving me.

That is mostly all about her, not him, nor me. It's hard to depersonalize, but to detach, it's good to realize this.

No matter who the next person is it leaves us with doubts about ourselves.    Just remove the exBPD for a second, what do you doubt about yourself right now?   What do you need to work on?    We all have something.   It can cut rather deep  , which is why it takes us a significant amount of time to process, deal with, work on ,and eventually heal.     

The entire time I was with the exBPD she gushed about how she liked how I was more experienced, knew more, etc since I was a few years older, so she runs off into the sunset with a much younger guy in the end.    Honestly whoever the next victim may be is no prize, at best they are just average folks like you and me, despite what Fb, instagram, or what any enablers may lead people to believe.   

ReluctantSurvivor: That was quite an inspiring response. I hope that a year from now I can write a similar story. As it stands my life is in tatters as a result of my BPDex.

If I heard that again you wouldn't be able to see me for dust. At the time I wasn't frightened, just concerned for him and his mental health, because I believed that I could help him get away from his self-destructive behaviour and have a happier life. He told me that I was the only person who had ever made him feel safe and loved. (Again, red flag - I'm pretty sure my replacement has been told that, and that others before me had heard it as well.) I have that rescuer streak, and I suspect my replacement may be the same. I have often been struck by the similarities in our professions (we both work in healthcare) and it seems to me that we were drawn to him because at first he seems very fragile and wounded, in need of support and care, and he can make you feel as though you're the only person who can possibly help him. At first that is very gratifying.

One thing I have learned from this relationship is never to 'take work home with me', so to speak. I'm not saying I would never date someone with mental health problems - after all, 25% of the population experiences them at some point or other, and it doesn't automatically make you a bad partner. But I will never see myself as a partner's healer again. I hope if I ever fall into that thinking again it will flip the tripwire in my brain and I will be reminded of this horrible situation.

Perhaps because of this thread, last night I had a very vivid dream about my replacement, in which I told her the full story about my ex. I woke up feeling more exhausted than when I went to sleep, and it made me start the day on an unhappy note. I still do have this wish that I could tell her what happened. I want to feel that someone acknowledges and understands my pain, and as my ex will probably never do that (although I cling to the hope that he will), she seems the obvious candidate. I need to get past this need to feel that someone sees my pain and that I'm not in isolation with it.

My replacement seems better to her in the sense that he is submissive and I was not anymore, he is only just starting out and she could be dominant again. He's already walking on eggshells, I wonder how long he will take that. Our relationship had skewed into an unbalanced one where it felt like I was a parent and always disappointed by her actions.

In some ways she is now to him what I was to her. In the moments that she could talk and think clearly she said she felt inferior to me. She said it's because I have higher education, higher income, I'm more travelled and from a higher social background. God knows why but they were things causing her a lot of insecurity. We had met while travelling and what made us connect was shared love and vision for developing countries. Our life goal, and the thing that kept us going and keeps making me come back to her, is to move to one of these countries and live with a certain lifestyle as an expat. Now I'm not a money or status obsessed person but just to be frank, to do this you need money, lots and lots of money. You need to either have a well paying job or be an entrepreneur so you have a way to keep making money when you're there.

With this new guy it's the exact opposite, in all of those in my eyes insignificant qualities she's now the "better" one. In her moments of honesty she's told me she hates it, she misses being taken care of. She hates that she's smarter than him.


So to answer your question, is the replacement better (for her)? Absolutely not, without a doubt, 100% he's not... He's a nobody who doesn't stimulate her mind in the slightest while I'm a young inquisitive man with a ridiculously successful business. What about her dreams, can he give her a better life or help her achieve those dreams? Absolutely not, he's just an average Joe working in a restaurant who gives her attention and lets her walk all over him.

Now there's nothing wrong with being an average Joe. However, he is going to suck her into an average life and stop her from achieving her dreams. She acknowledges this and says it's very likely that the only way for her dreams to come true is to be with me. To you and me this would probably change the way we treat the person who holds a path to your dreams but unfortunately that's not enough to treat me with dignity and respect.

To be honest, this is why I am worried about her. She's just letting everything happen and I'm worried she's going to wake up one day and realise that I'm really gone. She's gonna see that I'm out in the world making those dreams come true with another woman.

Mine I believe has had 2 replacements in a year, both are recycles.

Do I care if they were an upgrade, not in the slightest. They both lasted 2-3 months, the outcome was the same.

It does not matter if they are an upgrade or downgrade, the final result is the same, they will never work neither are they destined to work unless my uBPD ex addresses her serious mental illness she has has and starts to do something about herself.

I am happier now then I ever was with her, I am single, I have lost close to 4 stone, fitter, healthier, reasonable self esteem, and feeling good about me and where I am in my life. I have a stable home, very good friends, a good lifestyle - things that she will struggle to experience and maintain longterm.

I am more concerned about myself, my family and my welfare than thinking is the new one "better" than me

Which attempt? lol

The current one is an ex felon who is in debt and 11 years older. Used to take steroids so we know he has a Vienna sausage going on down there... .is about 5'9 or 5'10... .pock marks in his face from past cocaine and drug use... .works as a barback and lives with a roommate in a ___ty little apartment. Evicted from his last 3 apartments and is in debt. Has told my ex that he is a "changed man" even though there are photos in his phone from hanging out at peoples apartments partying with coke on the table. Cannot take my ex on a real date and treat her with respect... makes her pay for herself. My ex has been drinking a lot worse since she started hanging out with this scrub a week ago. Has flirted with losing her job, showing up late to work on two occasions and has been driving drunk... .so yeah.

Me... .college-educated, come from a good family, nice and respectful, took care of her well for 4 years, put up with her abuse and toxicity and tried to see the good in her, encouraged her to go back to school and believe in herself. I am very stable.

Was her replacement better? no. Are any of her attempts better? no. It is interesting that she is picking all of these unstable scrubs. I figured she would try to upgrade and throw it in my face.

I guess it makes it easier that she is picking losers... .less hurt. I actually find it humorous at times how far out these guys she picks are.

After my ex and I informally parted back in June, I knew that she would fall for the first guy to smile at her, say "Hi" or open a door.  The  emotional void that was triggered by our parting resulted in her connecting with my replacement within days.

I'm not being egotistical nor trying to protect my ego, but she definitely slipped a couple of rungs down the ladder.  Her new guy is twelve years older than her, from out of state, already a grandfather (she is mid-40s), somewhat heavy and bald (Footnote---I'm not saying in any way, shape or form that these are not desirable personal qualities---they are just not traits that she would seek in a partner---especially out of state as she will never leave our area).  In fact, she would bemoan how she would struggle with becoming a grandmother when the time came (nonetheless she's one walk down the aisle from becoming a step-grandmother in her 40s!).  He is single, lives alone (kids are out on their own) and his one FB interest is "Women".  Ugh.  My one piece of advice to her would be to get a periodic STD test as she's not an exclusive with this fella.

my replacement is a different kettle of fish entirely. there's no comparing. i don't mean "i'm so much better," i mean literally, there are no points of comparison. it's not against that one that i'm measuring myself.

it may seem callous to say, but if our exes do have BPD then they are not experiencing relationships the way we do or we think we should. there's nothing to be jealous of in the other party. now, two years ago that piece of wisdom i just wrote would have been of only a little use to me. but in a while dobie you'll come to a similar place.

and good job, those of you who have lost weight! i could stand to lose a stone myself.

Define better? My ex dated a man who loved God and listen to her and worshiped the ground she walked on. He was weak and killed himself. Then she got me. And boy was I different. She told me lots of good things about him to make me jealous and it worked. But guess what? She still left him. See my point here? Does it matter how good your replacement is? The end result is the same my friend ... .

Well, the guy my former friend dated after she left her ex-boyfriend ended up cheating on her, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't better.  Actually, she tends to downgrade in all aspects, from income to looks.  Her ex-boyfriend has a good, stable job and is very attractive.  His replacement cheated on her.  Her newest boyfriend is still in college and dresses like he's 12. 

Have no idea who she replaced me with. Well, I kinda sorta have an idea but not sure. Anyway, doesn't really matter. None of us could have done anything about it. They don't downgrade or upgrade. They find the next guy/girl who will put up with the drama. Then their next ex ends up on the bpdfamily.com wondering if he or she was replaced with a better model :)

My exfiance  is BPDlite and higher functioning the guy she is with is younger, a model, an athelete and a higher social class than me .

I'm not all that surpirsed she is attractive and successful .

I know its childish but I feel like she has "won"

I'm nice looking (no model) decent white collar job etc in my late 30s

It's all very subjective. What is good looking? What is successful? My ex ran off to a guy that a lot of people seemed to think was attractive (judging by facebook), but me and my friends did not. She gave me a lot of compliments on my appearance and talents. But thinking objectively about it, it doesn't really matter in the end. Thinking whether we are "better" or "worse" than our replacement by appearance or status just keeps us stuck. The end result is always the same with a Borderline.

Hell.

Instead of focusing on better/worse, it's probably healthier to focus on things like boundaries, self-esteem, reaction to borderline rages, views on intimacy, etc.

If your replacement has a lack of boundaries, is immature, cares more about sex than actual intimacy, doesn't do anything about verbal/physical abuse, and feels the need to rescue the pwBPD, then there's a chance that the relationship will last longer.  If your replacement has boundaries, is mature, desires true intimacy, and won't put up with being abused, then it probably won't last long. 

Just remember.  Regardless of how long it lasts, it will more than likely end, often in a very bad way. 

Knowing what I know now, I'm glad that my former friend BPD decided not to be in a relationship with me, but I have often asked myself why.  What made her keep choosing her now ex-boyfriend over me?  Instead of focusing on whether he was better or worse, as I did during the middle of her push/pull, I've decided to look at the things I mentioned above.

We both had issues with boundaries, but I eventually set up boundaries, while he did not.  He smoked pot with her.  I told her that she would never smoke it around me because I can't risk losing my job.  He got drunk with her frequently.  I refused to go to bars with her and refused to have anything stronger than beer at my house. 

I have low self-esteem, so I was constantly searching for reassurance from her.  He does not have low self-esteem.  His focus was on her.  Mine was on both of us, equally. 

He admitted to me that he wasn't very open with her.  She told me that he never said the romantic things that I said to her.  He was fine with not having that intimacy.  I was not.  I craved that intimacy.  If I had to choose between having sex with her and just holding her and talking all night, I'd choose that second option 100% of the time. 

He's her age and still likes to party.  I am older than her and ready to settle down.  I triggered engulfment fears early on.  He did not.

When she was diagnosed with BPD, I researched it and wanted to talk to her about the treatment for it.  To this day, he still hasn't researched it and knows nothing about it.  I wanted to talk about serious things and get her help.  He wanted to act like nothing had happened.

He lasted two months longer than I did.  That's it.  And you know what really did it?  He stopped catering to her every whim, started wanting to have serious conversations, told her she needed to get help, and agreed to move across the country with her.  In the end, her engulfment fears won both times, and they will continue to win.  Yes, some BPD relationships will only last for a month or two for various other reasons (infidelity, lack of sexual chemistry, etc.), but generally speaking, the longer a relationship goes on, the more likely it is that it will be ended by BPD. 

This is so true.

Another thing to remember is that your replacement could be a model / the world's wealthiest person / a saint / world's smartest, most interesting person, and it still would not be enough for someone with BPD. That is why people on here talk about being spent at the end of these relationships because we all have given our absolute everything at the expense of ourselves and our own boundaries/health/wellbeing, and it still is not enough and never will be. They are an endless black hole of emotional nothing and our replacements, like us, will be unable to fill it with their looks/wealth/special skills/whatever else is different to what we do/are/have. We are not replaced because of those characteristics - we are replaced simply because they cannot be alone. Sometimes we compare ourselves to our replacement and feel better or worse but in both cases, it is just difference and matters little to the person with BPD.

It isn't about our replacement's values or characteristics or wealth or looks because someone with BPD cannot focus on others. All they can do is focus on their own pain and act out in ways in response to that. Our replacements are not selected for those characteristics (of course there has to be some attraction for some of them), but in the end it doesn't matter because the replacement still will not be enough.

As Summerstorm said, the factor that will impact on how long things last is how good your replacement's boundaries and self-esteem are.

I was 'lucky' to have two BPD r/ships - the first has a replacement that is younger, but I wouldn't say is an upgrade. The second has gone back to a drama-filled abusive ex because she cannot cope with stable, loving relatinships. Either way, neither of those will work out because neither of my exBPDs are in therapy. In fact my first ex has just recycled with my replacement after just 5 months. I'm indifferent to my replacements because they are welcome to having that in their lives. I would much rather live alone with peace and calm than be a carer for someone with BPD for the rest of my life.

My ex was BPD lite so I don't know if she can sustain a lasting ltr we were together over 6 years I know she has a habit of using men in her past to meet her immediate needs even though she did not really want said person in a full sense .

She has a anxious attachment style with immature coping strategies , low emotional IQ ,

High maintaince, professional victim mentality, dysrythmic , weak sense of self  etc etc

I know now I could probably never have had  a real deep intimate connection with her as she is just not emotionally mature enough .

The replacement is a fuller version of me it seems on paper . As to if it will last who knows .

I know it should not bother me and we are over done she has moved on its been a year I guess I just feel like its unfair (yes I realise how childish i sound)  this year has been the worst of my life in so many ways and there she is jetting off to different countries , financially stable , good looking bf , new friends etc etc

i don't know who my replacement is. I already know it doesn't work out for them. She is not capable of a stable relationship. That helps me deal with it. I know that she will end up with someone I mean she is attractive and smart. But once that "perfect" guy figures her out, she will have moved on to the next one.

Dobes it is hard and painful when we think they are moving on to an 'awesome' new partner / new life, and we feel stuck trying to pick up the pieces of our heart and lives. On one hand, if we loved them, we can hold hope in our hearts that they go on to have a happy life. For those BPD not in therapy however, the chance of a happy life that is financially stable with 'amazing new friends' is limited (and unlikely). Their disorder does not allow for happiness the way we experience it.

Do you have some things in your life that are important to you, and that make you happy that you are focusing on? Go make your life equally amazing dude!

She is very frugal and highly educated six figures plus salary minimum so she is a high functioning typel law degree professional exec to one of the world's biggest banks .

Yes the best advice is to live well I've been in therapy for a year found out a lot about myself i.e my own dysfunctional behaviours my borderline cNPD traits my inablity to be vulnerable or engage fully in an intimate way  etc

But my life's still in pieces still in therapy , up to my eyes in debt (thanks a lot to her screwing me over) lost a lot of friends who have moved far away got married had kids etc

Dated lots of women but all ended in pieces

Got a professinal job that hangs by a thread long hours lots of stress ...

And I'm a carer to my disabled father

Turned 38 and thought by now I would be married , kids stable financial situation but its the opposite of that .

Everyone has thier karmic debt to pay I guess I take comfort in that I'm paying for my "sins" I suppose .

Not everyone gets thier happy ending life's not fair part of maturing is realising that but we just have to be grateful for what we do have instead of what we don't or lose but its hard esp when the person who deserves to be miserable for her behaviours is "living it up" .

Great you are in therapy and learning about what you can do better next time.

It's easy to feel like they deserve to be miserable after what they did to us. Especially when it looks like she is 'living it up'. I would say whilst the outwards stuff might look like she is having the time of her life, having to deal with BPD internally is pretty terrible punishment. I watched a couple of vids on Youtube made by people with BPD about what they experience emotionally, and it was heartwrenching stuff. If she experiences any of that then I would say life is not so great for her despite how it may look.

I am sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the moment. Hopefully you can find a way forward with your job and financial situation. It will be tough but you got through a relationship with someone with BPD, and you will get through this too. I hope that doesn't sound too lame.  If it is any consolation, over time you will hopefully work those things out but for her, BPD and misery will be with her for the rest of her life, despite how great it might look.

Stay strong x

So true.  I was willing to buy a house for her, allow her to live rent-free until she got a full-time job, and take her to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I got discarded instead.

Her ex-boyfriend was willing to leave his job/friends/family and move with her 3,000 miles away, to a state he'd never even been to, to live with her parents, whom he'd met once.  He got discarded instead.

Even if Hogwarts were real and I had revealed to her that I'm secretly a wizard (witch) and was planning on taking her to Hogsmeade for a vacation, it wouldn't have been enough. 

Is my ex's new girlfriend better? I wouldn't say better, I know my value. Are they more compatible? Maybe. Do I care? Not really.

Five months removed and my life by all accounts is better. I am writing a book, I've reconnected with friends and family... .made about six new friends.

I'm not on the boards as much anymore. I'm not obsessing. Do I feel bad sometimes? Sure. But it gets better... .you need to find yourself to get back on track.

While I'm not at the point of wishing my ex the best, after all her sister threatened to have me fired from a very, very prestigious job I'm at, I don't wish her bad either. Life is too short to invest time on hating someone who is ill. If anything I wish her good health and hopefully she will get the help she needs so her life can be as wonderful as mine is.

|iiii

Lunchbox wrote---

she said she felt inferior to me. She said it's because I have higher education, higher income, I'm more travelled and from a higher social background. God knows why but they were things causing her a lot of insecurity.

----This happened to me too.  The pwBPD  said he felt inferior to me for those same reasons... .and he feared I'd leave him one day since he wasn't "good enough". The replacement is way down on the social/income/job/ etc. ladder, so the pwBPD might feel "safer"  with someone lower down to their level.

dobie wrote---

My ex was BPD lite so I don't know if she can sustain a lasting ltr

--Can u explain what a BPD lite is? Also,  I find that many of them can't sustain a lasting close ltr

She is undiagnosed more traits and overlap than someone with full blown BPD

So low eq , needy, clingy , weak sense of self , emotional immaturity , lack of trust , anxious attachment style , interpersonaly exploitative , emotion = facts , idealise / devalue , dysfunctional foo

My ex also felt inferior to me, but he managed to devalue me at the same time - in fact, sometimes he used my supposed 'superiority' over him to devalue me. He regularly used to tell me that I couldn't understand how hard his life was, because I am good-looking and I have no idea how viciously the world treats ugly people. He would argue that socially I was privileged by my looks. Once I made some remark that showed lack of knowledge on a particular topic, and after he'd finished laughing over my ignorance, he said, "It's a good thing you're pretty, so it doesn't matter that you say stuff like that." He used to make me feel really stupid and as though I had no worthwhile knowledge.

dobie wrote---

She is undiagnosed more traits and overlap than someone with full blown BPD

So low eq , needy, clingy , weak sense of self , emotional immaturity , lack of trust , anxious attachment style

======Thanks for clarifying... .what is "more traits and overlap"  does that mean she has some of the traits, what are they overlapping with-another disorder?

--------Low eq does that mean low "emotional intelligence"?

-======Anxious attachment style----so she was clingy and wanted to attach, but was anxious about it and didn't trust the attachment would last?

Just trying to understand more---thanks!

Part of the DSM IV criteria for BPD is a "pattern" of unstable relationships. Which means that regardless of whether the replacement is "better", they will be discarded sooner or later or the relationship will be rocky.  So be happy that you are free! Rejoice! It doesn't matter if they are better, they can never have a loving and harmonious relationship, otherwise they wouldn't be BPD.

Hmmm interesting thread I hope people don't get overly caught up in who their ex may date... but to answer the thread the current person she seems to be idolizing is an acquaintance of mine... Were the same height , same hair style ,same skin tone ... He could basically pass as my brother... We also share alot of the same hobbies (sports etc etc) is this a odd that she is idolizing a guy just like me? I dunno... I can't confirm any replacements though ... But if she chose him from a shallow stand point it would be  "equal" I suppose we look really similar.

Hey sorry for the late reply  


The cluster b disorders are spectrum disorders so people tend to exhibit the traits or behaviours on a spectrum . while I'm no psychiatrist so can't diagnose my exfiance looking as objectively at her as I can knowing what I know about her and BPD I would say she is high on the spectrum without being diagnosable .

People can be comorbid so you can have someone with BPD who is also NPD or a NPD who is co morbid with aspd

Yes she was distrusting had a hard problem seeing in shades of grey etc , used people mainly bfs to fill needs rather than as a want to be with that person

She was is an emotionally immature woman of 30 as I've grown and matured through therapy over the last year I can see now how in many ways she was a child

I don't need a diagnosis to know she was not healthy or " right for me" as I address my issues I realise this more and more and I don't want a r/s with an emotional infant the thought of it makes me feel  

I could never have had real or mature intimacy with a person with the emotional eq of a three year old .

As we do the work on us we realise how much we were missing out on in these dysfunctional relationships .

Problemsolver wrote

she seems to be idolizing is an acquaintance of mine... Were the same height , same hair style ,same skin tone ... He could basically pass as my brother... We also share alot of the same hobbies (sports etc etc) is this a odd that she is idolizing a guy just like me?

-------Almost sounds like a "clone" or a twin for you... .she doesn't have to feel the loss as strongly if she is with a twin of yours

-------Or does she like your "type" (hairsyle, skin tone etc.) ?

Her last/first "love" boyfriend was a larger set man... I'm a tall athletic build. . We both play the same sport,  in the same position , we have the same beard style, same hair cut ... were the same height , same skin tone, same extracurricular job... . I really don't know. It's kind of odd... .but she told me she didn't want anything to do with "me" so I don't really wanna ask her why she's seeked out a doppelganger

Does she want to live the life we had vicariously through him... I don't know ... one could literally go insane trying to understand the mind of someone with BPD

Better?  Nope.  Available?  Yep.  Mine would replace a 22-year old triathlete with a heart of gold, with a 60-year old curmudgeon with erectile dysfunction.  When you're starving, even you will eat out of the trash.

She certainly talked about how good looking he was (saw pictures and don't quite see it... .) but he is definitely taller. If he were obviously better looking than me I think it would bother me. For the most part I feel genuinely bad that he doesn't know that she has already lied to him. I usually can't find a reason to be angry with him because he has no idea of the whole truth... .

This is a very silly question. How do you guys know who replaced you? I've been NC x 2 months now and I blocked her from FB. I have NO IDEA who she's with... .and I plan not to wonder or ask. If shared friends ever bring her up, I will shift the conversation immediately, because I choose not to know.

It can be better for our detachment not to know. Unless our ex's are 90 year olds, there is a long life ahead of them. Really, there are long lives ahead of us. It's very hard in the initial stages of what may be grief, but we have our lives to lead, too. Where is yours going, apart from hers?

Turkish... .my life has been stable, I am a successful MD so I am thankful for my lifestyle... .but since the breakup it has been tough, not career wise or socially, as I have a lot of friends. It has been tough on me emotionally, a constant sickness in my stomach, an ache in my chest, just feelings that I try hard to repress/suppress, with occasional success but when alone, I feel it all. I hate to say that since the breakup I do miss her tremendously, and as dysfunctional as the relationship was, I love her. With that said, it hurts more than imaginable because I cannot hate her, paint her black, or get angry at her. I blame her parents for abusing her as they are the reason she is who she is now. When I dug deep, she is an awesome person but she became dysfunctional very often. So in short, my life apart from hers is fine, except when I think of her, then it SUCKS! and I think of her often.

I also in a way blame my  Ex's parents (for not being kind or proper to her). However,.she is a grown woman, and independent enity (as my T said), and responsible for her choices. That is, she's free to determine her life's choices, no matter what I think or feel. It shouldn't have shocked me, but it did. She had every right to do whatever foolish things (in my view) that she did as an independent entity. Cliché as it may be, "if you love someone, set them free." Letting them go, we often  have no choice. Letting ourselves go can be so much harder.

I knew because there was something starting to go on while she and I were still involved physically. Don't know much else about him other than what she's told me.

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This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .