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Reflecting on relationship with high functioning uBPDexgf of 2 years. 

Looking back, I have realized the expression of her BPD behaviour seems directly related to the amount of time I was exposed to her.  It seems the more time I spent with her, the more the BPD kicked in. 

As a result of the emotional pain I was experiencing, I unconsciously started to distance myself from her over time which resulted in a reduction of her BPD type behaviour.  While I never tested this, and it may just be coincidence, I postulate the frequency of BPD behaviour may be directly related to exposure time.   Perhaps less exposure leads to fewer triggers?

There also seems like there could be a fine line here between to much and too little exposure, each extreme resulting in a behavioural trigger.  Somewhere around that fine line is a happy zone where the BPD behaviour is minimized, particularly push-pull tendencies.

What are people thoughts and experiences with regard to this exposure time?

Hi C.Stein,

*welcome*

I can relate with triggering my ex wife. A core criterion in BPD is an insecure attachmnet styles that manifests in early childhood and these early models continue into adulthood, typical attachment styles found in BPD are unresolved, pre-occupied, and disorganized. A person with BPD ( pwBPD ) want emotional intimacy and become uncomfortable when we become intimate.

Here's an article by John G. Gunderson, MD on intolerance of aloness and insecure attachments:

www.drgutman.org/giustra/borderline_pt_intolerance_of_aloneness.pdf

Hi C

I think there are some merits in your theory but this has to be seen in the context of the progression of the relationship. For example, in the 'honeymoon' period no exposure was too much as I could do no wrong. During devaluation I irritated her by breathing! 

I did enjoy a relatively prolonged period of happiness by walking that fine line between abandonment and engulfment triggers rather well. Obviously this was done sub-consciously as I had neither heard of BPD at that juncture let alone suspected her of having it! Basically I wouldn't consider progressing the relationship in terms of moving towards marriage for at least 6 months as I wanted proof that we were 'sustainable'. This gave her something to pine for whilst still being treated well by me. As soon as she passed my test and I bought her a ring, it all went tits up at a rate of knots! 


Fanny

She was essentially a latchkey kid (both parents always working and never home), so I don't think she formed any healthy attachment styles in childhood.


Thanks, will certainly read this.

I would say I noticed this push-pull effect mostly during the honeymoon/idealization stage.  She would complain about not getting enough intimacy (even rabbits would have been impressed), so I increased the number of times I was going to see and spend time with her, then it was too much and she felt used.


Looking back, I probably started distancing myself around the first discard.  I did allow myself to open up to her on several occasions following that, and I got burned as a result.  After that I think I entered the safe zone around the fine line.  In retrospect, I think that is also when our relationship stopped any real measurable progress in the forward direction.  It was more a steady state for a while there, I had achieved a safe "distance" from her more or less.  The BPD behaviour did continue just not as severe, and it also resulted in either keeping me in the safe distance zone, or pushed me further away.

That's sad to hear.


You may find our discussion on attachment theory interesting.

Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279028.msg12686320)