BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

I think my ex partner with BPD has something like this: If he does something and I like it or if I thank for it, he stops doing it. He creates a situation where something similar can be experienced and that behaviour is not there. Someone else used an expression like "pulling me in and dropping me on my head". Do you have this experience? How do you react? Do you have any tips for improving this situation?

I have to be in LC with him and detach as much as possible, trying to accept radically. But sometimes I get pulled in emotionally and get affected.

I'll appreciate your opinions. 

What occurs to me as a possible guess about this behavior is that he's afraid of being controlled through positive reinforcement. Sure makes a conundrum for you.   

YES! But God forbid we forget to thank them for something... . 

Just be careful not to overly-thank... .It could come off as sarcastic, and invalidating. ("Wow! Thank you so much for doing the dishes! You are amazing, thank you!"

Can you give an example?

Cat Familiar, this sounds very probable. And it's absolutely true actually because I communicate with him to keep his volatility a bit under control - because I'm very scared of this volatile aspect even if I'm not scared of him as a person. I've been harmed by his actions badly and beyond the limits of a private relationship (not all of them his fault, but we live in a society and things happen, I feel that my life cannot handle any more crises nowadays, I'm in a fragile state myself) but I want to get out of this as humanely as possible. He is in a very vulnerable state. What do you do when you are faced with this conundrum? I'm very inexperienced in this.

Jessica84, hi,

I don't thank him that much but I learnt a lot about BPD and changed the way I communicate with him. So, there is more positivity in everything even if we are not together - this is because the relationship was very volatile.

An example: He used to be very rude with me and his mother. The woman has an advanced stage of cancer and he is sometimes violent to her - and she is an angry codependent who needs help I suppose. She doesn't want him in her home but she accepted him. Then my ex moved to the tiny and lonely spot where I live - far away from his hometown. He is an active addict at the moment and after a long time in their relationship his mother would be paying for some of his medication. He didn't have a bank account so she wanted to send the money to mine. I said Ok to this. We all met on FB chat and he was polite and even jovial. I later thanked him for the positive communication - the two are horrible especially when together. Next thing, he is starting these chats and being rude and sarcastic and acting like a brat.

He talks about me as his "girlfriend" and we are not. I ask him not to do this in this small town and he apologizes. I thank him for this. Oops, it's back.

He stopped his dismissive behaviours and is much more open and with great awareness about his behaviours. There is almost something like a friendly trust - but he is mirroring me again, so maybe he is doing this to pull me back. I thank him for certain positive behaviours. He seems to be happy about the improvement, too. But then, there is something else, something new and dismissive passive aggressively. It's like it's ever evolving.

I'm working on emotional detachment but what are your suggestions in terms of communication?



 

Possibly the motivation for the action was to gain approval. Once approval is received there is no longer a motivator.

If the motivator for doing an action was out of responsibility to do the task, then the motivator remains for as long as the task needs redoing.

Over approval feeds the former, the action becomes refined to gain maximum approval for minimum effort eg tidying up becomes moving bigger visual items and leaving lessor noticed items untouched>>I cleaned the lounge room=straightend cushions, not vacuuming the carpet

Waverider,

Thank you for putting this into perspective for me, I can now make the distinction. My ex is very dependent on approval from other people at the moment, so I can see how that is the case with our interaction.

And your example is so spot on. Both metaphorically and as something I literally experienced when we lived together. :)

Thank you for the perspective