BPDFamily.com

Hi gang! I can't find the our NC thread, so I'm starting another one. How's everyone doing?

I think the reason you can't find the NC thread is because they all decided to do NC. 

hahaha, I think you are right!

Struggling. After initiating a breakup or things need to change dialogue about 3 weeks ago, I told him Monday that I was moving on and said goodbye. In the course of the conversation I said I met someone and had a first real date scheduled for Saturday. I said it to make the point that I wasn't able to wait forever in standby mode while he treats me badly and sends mixed signals.  But, it has the effect of making today a deadline of sorts ... . I don't have anything else to say, but I'm staring at my phone waiting for him to text, conflicted about whether I'm hoping for it.

To not feel guilty, I need to feel like I gave him every reasonable chance to meet my basic needs to allow me to stay with him. He is a good man and I believe he is doing the best he can. He just can't help being hurtful, with the push/pull pattern and misdirected anger/rage.

I'm trying to read this board as a way to fight the urge to reach out. I am positive he would love it if I called or texted and was willing to not date others and see him today/tomorrow  unconditionally without expectation. I can't do that and be sane/healthy.

Yes, Ab123, this board has been invaluable to me in working with the urge to reach out. I very much respect the clarity of your words, especially these: "I can't do that and be sane/healthy."

For me, it is interesting that though our relationship had struggles, the BPD felt manageable while we were together. Once we broke up though, it moved way outside the bounds of health or sanity for me.   

These boards have been invaluable indeed.  I'm currently 5 weeks NC after texting goodbye to my ex at the end of the year.  We've never gone more that 3 weeks without contact so this time it feels final. 

The urges comes and goes but I will say "time + distance = clarity and objectivity".  The past several weeks have given me a lot of time to think about myself, my ex and the relationship.  As common sense continues to prevail each passing day I realize that the relationship had to end as it wasn't meeting even my basic needs.

Ab123, take each day as it comes and use the time apart to strengthen yourself emotionally.   Continue to read the posts from others who either are or have been where you are at this time.  It definitely helps in fighting the urge.

LF

Only nc for about a week!

I always left contact open in the past hoping for her to get help. Every time she sucks me back it it's the same damn thing!  All my fault and I never loved her or really cared! She just dismisses all her bad behaviour and irrational decisions and I am to accept them?

I have been through this for four years now.  It's time to accept that it is not going to change.

I wonder if a real diagnosis and acceptance of it combined with the commitment to real therapy would even help her at this point!

Thanks!

The hardest urges as the ones driven by the thought that I'm helping him. He is self sabotaging, and I want to fix it. I know he knows he would be happy with me!  I just keep telling myself that I said everything there is to be said on Monday. He knows how I feel and what I need. Realistically, it probably can't work even if he reaches out to me offering what I explained I need (stability re commitment to being together and openness to working on managing the rage), but it sure as heck can't possibly work if I don't enforce this boundary and cave on my asks by reaching out to him now to give him what he wants unconditionally.

I just keep hearing him criticizing my need to move on and date, despite our apparent breakup, snidely telling me to "have fun while he sits home, alone, worrying about his family and doing what he needs to do."  It didn't matter how many times I explained that I would be happy to be with him, literally by his side or giving him space if needed (without dating others), if he could just be clear that we were partners, in it together, with the intention to stay that way for a long time and that he stops randomly saying things to the contrary. He can't. So, I keep telling myself it won't matter if I say it again. So, there is no reason for me to contact him. <repeat>

Targeted and Ab123,

Great observations on both of your parts. 

Targeted---you are correct---it won't change regardless of how much emotional support you offer and provide.  I went thru several recycles and it was the same each time.  It's hard to make a clean and final break but you can do it, my friend.

Ab123---sounds like he wants to keep you in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  There are plenty of resources on the forum to help you identify, manage and combat the FOG if you haven't found them already.

Most nons on this site are overly giving, caring and supportive individuals to start.  Mix that with a BPD relationship and those characteristics go into overdrive.  Putting ourselves first feels unnatural (kind of like trying to write with your left hand if you are right-handed) but has helped me recognize the part that I played not only in the relationship with my ex but others as well.

LF

I don't know if I lose my almost-5-months badge or what, but I just emailed our mutual friend and asked if he knew what ex was up to and if he thought ex might be receptive to hearing from me sometime. I put it in terms of "I hoped we would be friends again," which seemed true when I typed it, but really it was just a craving for any bit of information.

I knew this was counterproductive but I did it anyhow.

Possible responses:

"I don't know." (Ex has distanced himself from everyone.)

"He's doing great."

"He's doing great and I'm sure he'd love to hear from you."

"He's doing great and would love to hear from you and is still with REPLACEMENT."

"He's doing great but is still with REPLACEMENT and probably would rather not hear from you."

"They got a puppy!"

"They are getting married!"

"She's pregnant!"

"He's still with REPLACEMENT but he/they are not doing great."

"He and REPLACEMENT are no longer living together. But he seems good/seems not good/neutral."

"I no longer feel comfortable talking about EX with you."

[SILENCE]

There isn't really a good response.

This guy is messed up, or I'm messed up, or both. The way he treated me the last few months we were in touch was contemptuous and cruel. It doesn't matter why (BPD, justified anger, unjustified anger) -- he treated me in a way that, absent a sincere and specific apology (and perhaps even with one) should rule out all possible futures.

The response:

Oh, I'm really not sure Steelwork. Honestly, I haven't seen him or reached out to him, or been reached out to by him, since you first told me what happened. Not because of that or anything, it's just been a busy time, and maybe part of hearing your story did make me a little less inclined to be the guy constantly checking in with him, without any interim responses, you know?

I'll be at 30 days after this weekend. 

How are you feeling MapleBob?

Well, first and foremost, I have no desire to initiate contact with her. It would be disrespectful to myself and her. Secondly, I wouldn't mind hearing from her - in fact, that would be really really nice, even if it went poorly. And third, I'm angry, and she's still on my mind a lot.

Ive been remaining very low contact. Out of nowhere tonight she starts firing off texts. She caught her 13 year old in a lie and she s furious and he cant be trusted and how she exploded on him. Kept reiterating she can't "trust" him now! It was really such b-----t she s claiming kid lied about. Point of story is i guess the rages have been forced on the kid now. He used to tell me all the time she went " nuts" when i wasn't around. Ain't no way i'd go back to this craziness. This kids a high honors student, perfect gentleman, athlete but i once said she treats him like her 13 year old husband. Thinking back she was paranoid about losing her son to his father. So many red flags!

Hi gang,

Day 23 of releasing with grace. Here's what I think releasing with grace means in my case

1) don't get pulled in if/when she pulls 

2) don't react when she pushes (and internally, try to understand that it is not personal, this is a dynamic)

3) don't initiate contact

4) don't check social media

5) Think of her and our relationship in the past tense, with appreciation for the good stuff and relief that I'm free from some of the more difficult things about it (including me not being the best person I can be)

I dreamed of her last night, a nice dream in which she kissed me and was kind.

Hey guys:

Been out of town all week for work and stayed away from the board because I wanted to feel free of her. Since we work together it felt so good to be away from having to see and hear her every day. And I stayed away from the board just to give my brain some distance.

I'm now home and while I think of her from time to time I'm happy that I recognize the her I'm thinking about doesn't really exist. It's the fantasy of her that I think about and I know that doesn't really exist.

Haven't texted her in over two weeks, didn't see or hear her all of last week. She saw what I was up to on my trip - was traveling w co-workers whose she friends with and who put everything on social media. She saw I was having a great week and that's fine. I don't really care one way or another how she feels. It's about me. And I feel like I'm taking big steps.

The one thing that does hurt is coming back home from a week away and not having anyone to come home to and share with them all the great things that happened in my trip but that will happen eventually.

I hope you all are doing well and taking the small steps that will eventually lead you to freedom!

Be good to yourselves, all.

Glad you're doing better Anez.  Good to hear from you.  I'm where you are mentally most the time except sometimes I get a bit bummed, but not as often. 

HELP!

I broke NC after 2 1/2 weeks tonight. I was enraged. I saw she has a profile up on OKCupid earlier today. Then I started remembering our last conversation before she ghosted. How she was going to get help. She didn't want me out of her life. She wanted to try again another time. She needed to explore some things in her life though. I guess that means through dating. And actually, that's fine. But be honest about it. Instead I got answer like she was waiting for me.

**She hasn't seen the message yet I don't think. How can I mitigate the damage? Block her? Say Nevermind. I had a moment of weakness but ghosting me really tells me all I need to know? What can I say? I don't want to hear back from her. How can I phrase it to get her to leave me alone?**

I'm so angry at myself right now. Ghosting is the worst thing you can do to a person. It leaves so many unanswered questions and is so open ended. It shows a major lack of empathy and maturity.

And I am going to see her at all the fundraising events and other things we have to attend for work. Great. 

What about if you simply tried to say something like "I've had a moment of weakness. I am sorry. Please understand that I am trying to move on, I didn't mean to send that message."

Just when I try to forget her, I switch the radio on and hear her favorite song. Arrrrgghh!

Missing my crazy ex too this morning! Glad there are good things to miss though. Okay, heart, here goes another day!

Agree ^^^

Ghosting is awful, but so is preemptive blocking. My ex did both to me--twice. Both were incredibly painful. I encourage you to be the one to step things up a level of maturity.

Yes, that's a possibility.

My decision has been to block her. Whatever she has to say will not be conducive to my healing. She painted me black. She is moving on. She ghosted me. Anyone who can just disappear from your life lacks empathy and isn't a good person.

She will have the same issues again. Clearly she hasn't gotten help.

I am. I am going to a therapist. I never want to feel this way again. I allowed her in my life. I have to find out why and solve the issue.

I'd love to handle this maturely but she won't meet me there. I'm shielding myself from more hurt and lies. I made a horrible mistake contacting her. She will say anything and can be cruel. In this case, maturity is self protection.

I don't think it will hurt her. She isn't capable of seeing her actions as wrong or feeling empathy. She really isn't. Her life and emotions are all that matter. She laid into me when I was sick.

I have tried to be mature. It doesn't work.

Trust me, you're lucky that she ghosted you and that you didn't have to ghost her.

I have read many people complaining about their exBPDgf/bf who all of sudden ceased all contact and never contacted them back. Of course, it's painful. Anyone would feel immense pain to go through such a situation.

Now, there are others, like me, who have been brought to our knees by our exBPDgf/bp by various threats such a suicide threats etc. And when I for example said to myself "enough of this sh*t, because i felt I was on a sinking boat with my exBPDgf pulling me down to sink with her, I had no other option but to break up. The only problem was I had no peace. She'd text me like jundreds of times per day, e-mail me just as many times and calling me as many times every single day.

My therapist told me that in such cases the best thing to do is to go NC which I did. It cost me extra insults, threats and so much hell. It was like a chewing gum that was glued and didn't want to get off. So, in other words I was the one who felt obliged to ghost her. It's been painful for me to do so, and I can't even imagine how painful it was for her, but what have I been supposed to do?

When it comes to toxic and chaotic relationships with a person who has BPD, what is better that she ghosts you or that you ghost her?

On the emotional level you are speaking to a 3-year old. Never forget that. It's not that they lack empathy, it's just that they are not on the same wavelength as a grown up person.

Every situation is different, of course-- and I was projecting from my own experience to yours. It may not be the same at all.


Great! I've been doing this intensively for the last year. It's been up and down. I'm glad I've stuck with it, though, because I feel like I'm getting somewhere nowadays. I hope same will come to pass for you.

Believe me, it's its own kind of hell.


You have my sympathy. You really do. In such a case, when someone won't leave you alone, blocking seems like a sane and very reasonable response.

I don't think it's possible to compare. Each presents its own real agonies. Silence can be the most awful kind of emotional abuse. Especially if you have FOO issues around it.

I didn't mean to compare the sufferings per se, but at one point I even felt in life danger. She seemed ready to anything. I had to go to the police.

I really am very sorry to hear that. Sincerely!

(I still don't feel lucky I was treated like sh*t and retraumatized.  :)    )

NP  I had to endure that in order to be left alone now I guess, and even so time after time she still contacts me to apologize and to tell me I am the man of her life.

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction" with Michael Douglas? I wouldn't say it went to that extreme, but at some point I felt it could have.


I am sorry you were treated like sh*t. Welcome to the club bro. Go to my insult thread if it can make you feel better. :)

Oops... .never mind! Cross-modified with you.

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. I can't imagine the pain and frustration her actions have caused.

I guess if she were bothering me, I know what to do. I would have the cops call her and file a restraining order if necessary.

But being ghosted tears me apart. What did I do? What is wrong with me? How could I be so wonderful to her and then mean nothing?

Not knowing is torture for me. I need to learn to deal with uncertainty. I also have to be objective and know this relationship was not healthy. She is not healthy. I have some unhealthy behaviors I have to deal with.

I had that distance until I saw her OKCupid profile. I was feeling so much better and moving on. It was just such a slap in the face to be so replaceable. To be discarded. To know everything she said was a lie.

I'm also new to the area and she is the first person I dated. She has influential friends. I'm afraid of what is going to happen to me socially now. She's loved by friends since they only get so deep. In relationships, her BPD traits come out. She isn't full BPD. She just has traits.

Thank you. I love my therapist. I think it will go well. She's very good. I can't believe I slipped yesterday. I found out about the profile in the early morning. I didn't slip until Midnight. Ugh.

Oh no... .Yes, when you feel in danger then it is definitely better to be ghosted on... .I'm so sorry.

What are FOO issues?

And yes, silence is terrible but it also gives me a learning experience and a chance to grow. I know I'm physically safe. I don't know. It can be a toss up.

Heard from mine this morning. I broke nc with the kindest most honest response possible.

She text bombed me how her counsellor told her to reach out to me to be friends, then came all the accusations of my perceived infidelities and how I used her for sex and never cared or loved her. Then the mention of my perceived addictions and negative attributes, followed up with her wanting a better Christian man and she will now be traveling and so on!  

I said to her- I hoped your contact would have been more of a apology for the way you treated me and always having me show up to fix things such as your car and you can go out with someone else the very next day! I see the projection and lies in your statements now, I'm not stupidly blinded by love anymore.  As far as your counsellor recommended  to contact me  to be friends  I find this to be a lie!  If you had painted me to be as abusive as you say to your counsellor  there is no way possible  A counsellor would recommend you reaching out to me! He would tell you to never contact me again. How can you ask for a honest relationship when your not honest with him, me, or yourself?  :)on't forget how long I've known you and I was at that counsellor with you at one time. Like I said, I hoped for a apology. Good luck dating and traveling.  If you would like to interact again someday have your counsellor call me.

Sorry-- FOO = family of origin. I wrote about some of my FOO problems here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289743.0

Too long to read or recap. Short version is that I have my own abandonment issues, have significant lifelong depression, and supposedly c(omplex) ptsd. Not sure about that, but the fact that I was in a r/s with someone with even more emotional problems than me isn't a coincidence.

The thing to remember is that a history of childhood trauma makes you more vulnerable to ptsd-type reactions to future traumas. A lot of my childhood problems involved emotional and physical neglect.

The silence is indeed an opportunity. That's a good way of looking at it. At this point I don't think my ex could contribute anything to my healing. But if he hadn't frozen me out and needlessly blocked me, that certainly would have made the end of our r/s a lot less traumatic than it was.

Yeah, I know I have abandonment issues and that is why this happened. I've had similar relationships in the past, but never one this bad.

So, it's time to nip it in the bud... .

But the silent treatment is the worst thing that can be done to someone like us. It does depend on your issues which is worse: the constant calling or the ghosting. I feel like the ghosting is worse. As I said, I know how to deal with threats of violence. Call the cops. I live in a locked apartment building where you need a fob to get in the door and one to get to my floor.

I dunno... .there's damage either way. But this has brought out all my abandonment issues. I'm surprised I am doing as well as I am. I haven't begged her to come back. I only texted once in weeks. I just want to know why everything was a lie. But I'll never get an answer. I want to know why I'm so unworthy. I know I'm not unworthy and the truth is I'm worthy of so much more. I don't really want her back. I just want to not be treated like crap. So blocking her doesn't allow her to say anything more to me. I owe her nothing at this point and owe everything to myself.

So, today is day 30 for me. A week from now will be the anniversary of the last time I saw her in person, on our last date. I still miss her a lot, and I'm still grieving and hoping that she will some day reach out to me again. I still feel certain that she will, but I also feel certain that she won't, and I don't know the factors that would need to be met on her end for that to happen. I've certainly given her plenty of opportunities to step up again over the last year, but she's continued to invest in sadness/anger/keeping-me-at-a-distance, so there's only so much I could have done in this situation. But, all in all, these 30 days haven't been all that rough.

I see NC as really being a dual process: 1.) learning not to touch the stove, and 2.) not so much learning not to miss the relationship or the person, but learning to get used to missing them, and habituating the grasp on reality that comes from that.

So, I still miss her, I still want her, I still hope to hear from her in some kind of healthy, positive way, but I won't do anything about it. "Release with grace."

Congrats MapleBob, that is so great!

I love how you put this-- it feels very true to me:

Unless your expwBPD is suicidal and determined to harm and on top of that tells the police that s/he doesn't care  getting arrested.

Oh no. I am so incredibly sorry. I would hope they would institutionalize her with talk like that but mental health services are so poor... .

Hi gang,

It is the first week I'm back in the same town with her-- the first weekend.  I totally broke down today. Texted her. Checked social media. Everything. The worst. I'm in trouble, dear gang. I hope I can bounce back up. 

I wouldn't sweat checking social media (I do that), but texting sounds like something you shouldn't be doing. Any response?

The same tricks they teach people with BPD can also help us.

If you want to text her then distract. Find a movie, a hobby, a sport, anything to keep from your thoughts about texting her. Color. Yes, color. Listen to music loudly. Go for a walk.

There is also opposite action. Do the opposite of what you want to do. Want to text her? Go hide your phone or give it to someone until the urge passes. Drain the battery and hide the charger. Go for a drive or walk and don't bring it with.

Then there is urge surfing. Explained here: www.mindfulness.org.au/urge-surfing-relapse-prevention/

I learned most of these things from a friend who is a Buddhist monk and used to be a psychologist. She's awesome. The DBT skills are helpful for anyone, not just Borderlines.

Still remaining lc with my BPD ex gf. Last night proceeded tell me she was going to her girlfreinds house. I could care less. A coworker tells me this morning he went by her house at 3 am and her car wasnt there. This morning at 10 am she texts me saying i been quiet. I said didn't kno if you slept in. She says got up at 930. Blatant lie!  She says she s going out to brunch with a girlfreind today and i could also care less. She sends ne a few stupid one word answerable texts. Now at 930 she sends text " how come you have said nothing at all to me all day". I said didn't know if you were still out which she stated yes i just got home. Theres no doubt i've been replaced and i think she knows i'm onto her game. I refuse to tip my hat to her game and if you just spent all last night in some guys bed and today with him why is she worried about me. I'm not playing the game.

Fell off the wagon.  No harm done.  But, there is no reason to think anything's changed and nothing good will come from continuing communication.  Tomorrow will be day 1 NC.

today is the third week of no contact for me. Longest it usually used to go before she would text me or call me to check in and see how i was doing. Interesting to see how i can continue to heal after blocking her number and not allow for her to contact me. I miss her though, definitely miss her. thought i would come here and talk to the crew during this time of missing her

In DNR news today: I had a sudden flash of BOREDOM at the thought of him.

Ha! I've had that. "Ugh, you again?" 

I totally know how you feel, JC. Stay strong and keep posting here as you fight through it. Soon you're gonna be feeling great. You're doing really good things for yourself. Pat yourself on your back.

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