NC/RWG thread part 6

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang! I can't find the our NC thread, so I'm starting another one. How's everyone doing?

[Driver]

I think the reason you can't find the NC thread is because they all decided to do NC. 

[kc sunshine]

hahaha, I think you are right!

I think the reason you can't find the NC thread is because they all decided to do NC. 

[Ab123]

Struggling. After initiating a breakup or things need to change dialogue about 3 weeks ago, I told him Monday that I was moving on and said goodbye. In the course of the conversation I said I met someone and had a first real date scheduled for Saturday. I said it to make the point that I wasn't able to wait forever in standby mode while he treats me badly and sends mixed signals.  But, it has the effect of making today a deadline of sorts ... . I don't have anything else to say, but I'm staring at my phone waiting for him to text, conflicted about whether I'm hoping for it.

To not feel guilty, I need to feel like I gave him every reasonable chance to meet my basic needs to allow me to stay with him. He is a good man and I believe he is doing the best he can. He just can't help being hurtful, with the push/pull pattern and misdirected anger/rage.

I'm trying to read this board as a way to fight the urge to reach out. I am positive he would love it if I called or texted and was willing to not date others and see him today/tomorrow  unconditionally without expectation. I can't do that and be sane/healthy.

[kc sunshine]

Yes, Ab123, this board has been invaluable to me in working with the urge to reach out. I very much respect the clarity of your words, especially these: "I can't do that and be sane/healthy."

For me, it is interesting that though our relationship had struggles, the BPD felt manageable while we were together. Once we broke up though, it moved way outside the bounds of health or sanity for me.   

I'm trying to read this board as a way to fight the urge to reach out. I am positive he would love it if I called or texted and was willing to not date others and see him today/tomorrow  unconditionally without expectation. I can't do that and be sane/healthy.

[Learning Fast]

These boards have been invaluable indeed.  I'm currently 5 weeks NC after texting goodbye to my ex at the end of the year.  We've never gone more that 3 weeks without contact so this time it feels final. 

The urges comes and goes but I will say "time + distance = clarity and objectivity".  The past several weeks have given me a lot of time to think about myself, my ex and the relationship.  As common sense continues to prevail each passing day I realize that the relationship had to end as it wasn't meeting even my basic needs.

Ab123, take each day as it comes and use the time apart to strengthen yourself emotionally.   Continue to read the posts from others who either are or have been where you are at this time.  It definitely helps in fighting the urge.

LF

[Targeted]

Only nc for about a week!

I always left contact open in the past hoping for her to get help. Every time she sucks me back it it's the same damn thing!  All my fault and I never loved her or really cared! She just dismisses all her bad behaviour and irrational decisions and I am to accept them?

I have been through this for four years now.  It's time to accept that it is not going to change.

I wonder if a real diagnosis and acceptance of it combined with the commitment to real therapy would even help her at this point!

[Ab123]

Thanks!

The hardest urges as the ones driven by the thought that I'm helping him. He is self sabotaging, and I want to fix it. I know he knows he would be happy with me!  I just keep telling myself that I said everything there is to be said on Monday. He knows how I feel and what I need. Realistically, it probably can't work even if he reaches out to me offering what I explained I need (stability re commitment to being together and openness to working on managing the rage), but it sure as heck can't possibly work if I don't enforce this boundary and cave on my asks by reaching out to him now to give him what he wants unconditionally.

I just keep hearing him criticizing my need to move on and date, despite our apparent breakup, snidely telling me to "have fun while he sits home, alone, worrying about his family and doing what he needs to do."  It didn't matter how many times I explained that I would be happy to be with him, literally by his side or giving him space if needed (without dating others), if he could just be clear that we were partners, in it together, with the intention to stay that way for a long time and that he stops randomly saying things to the contrary. He can't. So, I keep telling myself it won't matter if I say it again. So, there is no reason for me to contact him. <repeat>

[Learning Fast]

Targeted and Ab123,

Great observations on both of your parts. 

Targeted---you are correct---it won't change regardless of how much emotional support you offer and provide.  I went thru several recycles and it was the same each time.  It's hard to make a clean and final break but you can do it, my friend.

Ab123---sounds like he wants to keep you in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  There are plenty of resources on the forum to help you identify, manage and combat the FOG if you haven't found them already.

Most nons on this site are overly giving, caring and supportive individuals to start.  Mix that with a BPD relationship and those characteristics go into overdrive.  Putting ourselves first feels unnatural (kind of like trying to write with your left hand if you are right-handed) but has helped me recognize the part that I played not only in the relationship with my ex but others as well.

LF

[steelwork]

I don't know if I lose my almost-5-months badge or what, but I just emailed our mutual friend and asked if he knew what ex was up to and if he thought ex might be receptive to hearing from me sometime. I put it in terms of "I hoped we would be friends again," which seemed true when I typed it, but really it was just a craving for any bit of information.

I knew this was counterproductive but I did it anyhow.

Possible responses:

"I don't know." (Ex has distanced himself from everyone.)

"He's doing great."

"He's doing great and I'm sure he'd love to hear from you."

"He's doing great and would love to hear from you and is still with REPLACEMENT."

"He's doing great but is still with REPLACEMENT and probably would rather not hear from you."

"They got a puppy!"

"They are getting married!"

"She's pregnant!"

"He's still with REPLACEMENT but he/they are not doing great."

"He and REPLACEMENT are no longer living together. But he seems good/seems not good/neutral."

"I no longer feel comfortable talking about EX with you."

[SILENCE]

There isn't really a good response.

This guy is messed up, or I'm messed up, or both. The way he treated me the last few months we were in touch was contemptuous and cruel. It doesn't matter why (BPD, justified anger, unjustified anger) -- he treated me in a way that, absent a sincere and specific apology (and perhaps even with one) should rule out all possible futures.

[steelwork]

The response:

Oh, I'm really not sure Steelwork. Honestly, I haven't seen him or reached out to him, or been reached out to by him, since you first told me what happened. Not because of that or anything, it's just been a busy time, and maybe part of hearing your story did make me a little less inclined to be the guy constantly checking in with him, without any interim responses, you know?

[MapleBob]

I'll be at 30 days after this weekend. 

[kc sunshine]

How are you feeling MapleBob?

I'll be at 30 days after this weekend. 

[MapleBob]

How are you feeling MapleBob?

I'll be at 30 days after this weekend. 

Well, first and foremost, I have no desire to initiate contact with her. It would be disrespectful to myself and her. Secondly, I wouldn't mind hearing from her - in fact, that would be really really nice, even if it went poorly. And third, I'm angry, and she's still on my mind a lot.

[Lexisdad]

Ive been remaining very low contact. Out of nowhere tonight she starts firing off texts. She caught her 13 year old in a lie and she s furious and he cant be trusted and how she exploded on him. Kept reiterating she can't "trust" him now! It was really such b-----t she s claiming kid lied about. Point of story is i guess the rages have been forced on the kid now. He used to tell me all the time she went " nuts" when i wasn't around. Ain't no way i'd go back to this craziness. This kids a high honors student, perfect gentleman, athlete but i once said she treats him like her 13 year old husband. Thinking back she was paranoid about losing her son to his father. So many red flags!

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

Day 23 of releasing with grace. Here's what I think releasing with grace means in my case

1) don't get pulled in if/when she pulls 

2) don't react when she pushes (and internally, try to understand that it is not personal, this is a dynamic)

3) don't initiate contact

4) don't check social media

5) Think of her and our relationship in the past tense, with appreciation for the good stuff and relief that I'm free from some of the more difficult things about it (including me not being the best person I can be)

I dreamed of her last night, a nice dream in which she kissed me and was kind.

[Anez]

Hey guys:

Been out of town all week for work and stayed away from the board because I wanted to feel free of her. Since we work together it felt so good to be away from having to see and hear her every day. And I stayed away from the board just to give my brain some distance.

I'm now home and while I think of her from time to time I'm happy that I recognize the her I'm thinking about doesn't really exist. It's the fantasy of her that I think about and I know that doesn't really exist.

Haven't texted her in over two weeks, didn't see or hear her all of last week. She saw what I was up to on my trip - was traveling w co-workers whose she friends with and who put everything on social media. She saw I was having a great week and that's fine. I don't really care one way or another how she feels. It's about me. And I feel like I'm taking big steps.

The one thing that does hurt is coming back home from a week away and not having anyone to come home to and share with them all the great things that happened in my trip but that will happen eventually.

I hope you all are doing well and taking the small steps that will eventually lead you to freedom!

Be good to yourselves, all.

[Rmbrworst]

Glad you're doing better Anez.  Good to hear from you.  I'm where you are mentally most the time except sometimes I get a bit bummed, but not as often. 

[lepus]

HELP!

I broke NC after 2 1/2 weeks tonight. I was enraged. I saw she has a profile up on OKCupid earlier today. Then I started remembering our last conversation before she ghosted. How she was going to get help. She didn't want me out of her life. She wanted to try again another time. She needed to explore some things in her life though. I guess that means through dating. And actually, that's fine. But be honest about it. Instead I got answer like she was waiting for me.

**She hasn't seen the message yet I don't think. How can I mitigate the damage? Block her? Say Nevermind. I had a moment of weakness but ghosting me really tells me all I need to know? What can I say? I don't want to hear back from her. How can I phrase it to get her to leave me alone?**

I'm so angry at myself right now. Ghosting is the worst thing you can do to a person. It leaves so many unanswered questions and is so open ended. It shows a major lack of empathy and maturity.

And I am going to see her at all the fundraising events and other things we have to attend for work. Great. 

[Driver]

HELP!

I broke NC after 2 1/2 weeks tonight. I was enraged. I saw she has a profile up on OKCupid earlier today. Then I started remembering our last conversation before she ghosted. How she was going to get help. She didn't want me out of her life. She wanted to try again another time. She needed to explore some things in her life though. I guess that means through dating. And actually, that's fine. But be honest about it. Instead I got answer like she was waiting for me.

**She hasn't seen the message yet I don't think. How can I mitigate the damage? Block her? Say Nevermind. I had a moment of weakness but ghosting me really tells me all I need to know? What can I say? I don't want to hear back from her. How can I phrase it to get her to leave me alone?**

I'm so angry at myself right now. Ghosting is the worst thing you can do to a person. It leaves so many unanswered questions and is so open ended. It shows a major lack of empathy and maturity.

And I am going to see her at all the fundraising events and other things we have to attend for work. Great. 

What about if you simply tried to say something like "I've had a moment of weakness. I am sorry. Please understand that I am trying to move on, I didn't mean to send that message."

[Driver]

Just when I try to forget her, I switch the radio on and hear her favorite song. Arrrrgghh!

[kc sunshine]

Missing my crazy ex too this morning! Glad there are good things to miss though. Okay, heart, here goes another day!

[steelwork]

What about if you simply tried to say something like "I've had a moment of weakness. I am sorry. Please understand that I am trying to move on, I didn't mean to send that message."

Agree ^^^

Ghosting is awful, but so is preemptive blocking. My ex did both to me--twice. Both were incredibly painful. I encourage you to be the one to step things up a level of maturity.

[lepus]

Yes, that's a possibility.

My decision has been to block her. Whatever she has to say will not be conducive to my healing. She painted me black. She is moving on. She ghosted me. Anyone who can just disappear from your life lacks empathy and isn't a good person.

She will have the same issues again. Clearly she hasn't gotten help.

I am. I am going to a therapist. I never want to feel this way again. I allowed her in my life. I have to find out why and solve the issue.

[lepus]

What about if you simply tried to say something like "I've had a moment of weakness. I am sorry. Please understand that I am trying to move on, I didn't mean to send that message."

Agree ^^^

Ghosting is awful, but so is preemptive blocking. My ex did both to me--twice. Both were incredibly painful. I encourage you to be the one to step things up a level of maturity.

I'd love to handle this maturely but she won't meet me there. I'm shielding myself from more hurt and lies. I made a horrible mistake contacting her. She will say anything and can be cruel. In this case, maturity is self protection.

I don't think it will hurt her. She isn't capable of seeing her actions as wrong or feeling empathy. She really isn't. Her life and emotions are all that matter. She laid into me when I was sick.

I have tried to be mature. It doesn't work.

[Driver]

Yes, that's a possibility.

My decision has been to block her. Whatever she has to say will not be conducive to my healing. She painted me black. She is moving on. She ghosted me. Anyone who can just disappear from your life lacks empathy and isn't a good person.

She will have the same issues again. Clearly she hasn't gotten help.

I am. I am going to a therapist. I never want to feel this way again. I allowed her in my life. I have to find out why and solve the issue.

Trust me, you're lucky that she ghosted you and that you didn't have to ghost her.

I have read many people complaining about their exBPDgf/bf who all of sudden ceased all contact and never contacted them back. Of course, it's painful. Anyone would feel immense pain to go through such a situation.

Now, there are others, like me, who have been brought to our knees by our exBPDgf/bp by various threats such a suicide threats etc. And when I for example said to myself "enough of this sh*t, because i felt I was on a sinking boat with my exBPDgf pulling me down to sink with her, I had no other option but to break up. The only problem was I had no peace. She'd text me like jundreds of times per day, e-mail me just as many times and calling me as many times every single day.

My therapist told me that in such cases the best thing to do is to go NC which I did. It cost me extra insults, threats and so much hell. It was like a chewing gum that was glued and didn't want to get off. So, in other words I was the one who felt obliged to ghost her. It's been painful for me to do so, and I can't even imagine how painful it was for her, but what have I been supposed to do?

When it comes to toxic and chaotic relationships with a person who has BPD, what is better that she ghosts you or that you ghost her?

[Driver]

What about if you simply tried to say something like "I've had a moment of weakness. I am sorry. Please understand that I am trying to move on, I didn't mean to send that message."

Agree ^^^

Ghosting is awful, but so is preemptive blocking. My ex did both to me--twice. Both were incredibly painful. I encourage you to be the one to step things up a level of maturity.

I'd love to handle this maturely but she won't meet me there. I'm shielding myself from more hurt and lies. I made a horrible mistake contacting her. She will say anything and can be cruel. In this case, maturity is self protection.

I don't think it will hurt her. She isn't capable of seeing her actions as wrong or feeling empathy. She really isn't. Her life and emotions are all that matter. She laid into me when I was sick.

I have tried to be mature. It doesn't work.

On the emotional level you are speaking to a 3-year old. Never forget that. It's not that they lack empathy, it's just that they are not on the same wavelength as a grown up person.

[steelwork]

Every situation is different, of course-- and I was projecting from my own experience to yours. It may not be the same at all.

I am going to a therapist. I never want to feel this way again. I allowed her in my life. I have to find out why and solve the issue.

Great! I've been doing this intensively for the last year. It's been up and down. I'm glad I've stuck with it, though, because I feel like I'm getting somewhere nowadays. I hope same will come to pass for you.

[steelwork]

I have read many people complaining about their exBPDgf/bf who all of sudden ceased all contact and never contacted them back. Of course, it's painful. Anyone would feel immense pain to go through such a situation.

Believe me, it's its own kind of hell.

Now, there are others, like me, who have been brought to our knees by our exBPDgf/bp by various threats such a suicide threats etc. And when I for example said to myself "enough of this sh*t, because i felt I was on a sinking boat with my exBPDgf pulling me down to sink with her, I had no other option but to break up. The only problem was I had no peace. She'd text me like jundreds of times per day, e-mail me just as many times and calling me as many times every single day.

You have my sympathy. You really do. In such a case, when someone won't leave you alone, blocking seems like a sane and very reasonable response.

[steelwork]

Trust me, you're lucky that she ghosted you and that you didn't have to ghost her.

I don't think it's possible to compare. Each presents its own real agonies. Silence can be the most awful kind of emotional abuse. Especially if you have FOO issues around it.