BPDFamily.com

Last night I spoke with my on/off partner of a year; the conversation started with him wanting food, asking if I'd bring them something, and ended with him saying "this is a toxic relationship; it needs to end - can you agree to that?"

I agreed - logically it makes the most sense. Illogically I am torn up and beside myself.

He hurled insults at me, called me manipulative, stated that I enabled his alcoholism and they associate me with making bad choices. That he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, but I mentally/psychically drew them in and he couldn't say no to me.

He acknowledged he was abusive towards me, and asked why I wanted to be around that. I wish I had an answer - I do not. He made it seem like when we spent time together it was him doing me a favor, and he hated me for it.

I am at a loss - we went through the recycle phase at least ten times in the past year. I have never been involved with someone like this before, nor in an abusive relationship. I know if he reaches out again, I cannot respond. It is so hard.

The pattern has been once the alcohol is leaving their system he feels regret and shame, pushes me away, accuses me of forcing things with him, and states it isn't healthy and needs to end. Then we don't talk for anywhere from a few days to a few months, and he then reaches out again, we make up, and things are good. I am not what he ultimately wants in a partner, and I respect that. He is not what I want either - though we've talked about having kids a few times.

This person - the highs were amazing, and the lows were terrible. How can I get past this? How can I get through every day wanting to talk to him and knowing I can't? They have made it clear - though they have also changed their mind a lot, and I don't feel it is my right to tell someone "you said this earlier, now you say you've changed your mind, so I'm going to decide which statement from you is correct?"

I got so mad when he told me "you knew I didn't want to continue sleeping with you, and you kept pushing with your wants." I turned him down when he was drunk, even though he kept pushing it. When we were both sober, it felt different - like he was making an informed choice. I guess it is easier to pretend to not have responsibility, and make accusations that cannot be backed up by any factual evidence. He feels a certain way, so that must be true.

This is all so hard and scary and sad. I don't know what to do with my emotions. I have to figure out some way to get over him, acknowledge no matter how much I love him it's not a good dynamic. Any support is much appreciated.

Thank you.

hi GottaMoveOn 


this may not make much sense right now, but i read a lot of shame in him. people with BPD struggle with feelings of shame and self hatred and will project these difficult feelings on others in order to cope. in other words, i think he hates himself for it. self loathing is a common element of alcoholism, and it sounds like he is blaming you for his failures (which is really about the failure to develop a stable sense of self or form secure attachments). as someone who knows him intimately, you are a trigger - a reminder of his shame. thats not your fault but its important to understand.


i think thats a healthy and mature attitude. it is all certainly confusing, but the clear common denominator is "changing their mind a lot". look at the actions, the patterns, who he is telling you that he is and what his limitations are.


you are correct - for a person with BPD, feelings tend to = facts. its not your reality, it may not represent reality, but it is his reality.

have you heard of radical acceptance?

I haven't heard of it - what is it?

it might be more familiar if you think of it as the axiom "it is what it is". "radical acceptance" is a tool and a term coined by marsha linehan, developer of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). the point is, essentially, to accept a person or circumstance as it is, not as we wish it to be.

when you acknowledge, as you do, that this persons reality is their reality ("he feels a certain way so it must be true", you are radically accepting him for who and how he is. it seems at once both a simplistic concept and a state thats very difficult to reach; i have found it to be a real milestone in detachment.

you can read more about radical acceptance here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

you may find this workshop for family members relevant as well: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0