hi GottaMoveOn
He acknowledged he was abusive towards me, and asked why I wanted to be around that. I wish I had an answer - I do not. He made it seem like when we spent time together it was him doing me a favor, and he hated me for it.
this may not make much sense right now, but i read a lot of shame in him. people with BPD struggle with feelings of shame and self hatred and will project these difficult feelings on others in order to cope. in other words, i think he hates himself for it. self loathing is a common element of alcoholism, and it sounds like he is blaming you for his failures (which is really about the failure to develop a stable sense of self or form secure attachments). as someone who knows him intimately, you are a trigger - a reminder of his shame. thats not your fault but its important to understand.
They have made it clear - though they have also changed their mind a lot, and I don't feel it is my right to tell someone "you said this earlier, now you say you've changed your mind, so I'm going to decide which statement from you is correct?"
i think thats a healthy and mature attitude. it is all certainly confusing, but the clear common denominator is "changing their mind a lot". look at the actions, the patterns, who he is telling you that he is and what his limitations are.
He feels a certain way, so that must be true.
you are correct - for a person with BPD, feelings tend to = facts. its not your reality, it may not represent reality, but it is his reality.
have you heard of radical acceptance?
