BPDFamily.com

It’s been 4 weeks since I left my place and broke-up with my non-diagnosed BPD BF. He finally moves out from my place today, to start living in his new apartment and I hope I will have time to rest and heal.

The problem is that my ex-BF doesn’t consider himself as my ex. For him, it is not a separation.

He wants us to see each other every week and remain in contact.

I should say that the last week, I have had doubts about what I want: NC? Low contact? Continue to see him once a week and remain in contact?

When I broke-up 4 weeks ago it was because I wanted all the problematic situations to end. I couldn’t take them anymore. I had lost hope for any changes and my love for my BF was fading away.

I still don’t feel the same love that I had always felt for him. I like him but I cannot say for the moment that I love him.

He is seeing a T for the 4th time this week and is supposed to continue the weekly meetings for a little while. He is very determined to be better and to be able to live with me again.

He cannot stand the idea of losing me and losing our family (he has a kid, I have one, they are like 2 brothers). So he refuses the idea of us breaking-up.

And then, I don’t know what to do. I need to find a T to help me to clear my thought and look deep inside me to figure what I want…

But for the moment, he still has the control over me; I let him have this control. I don’t express my needs and I don’t respect them because I don’t know exactly what I want anymore…. Very confused.

  Of course you are confused. That is one of the benefits of NC, getting more distance creates more room to become you again, to feel what it is you really want. How can you feel what it is you want if someone keeps jumping up and down in front of you, yelling "me! Me! You want me!"

What would be the benefit of low contact or the once per week contact?

I agree with WoundedBibi. I would feel confused. Do you feel like he's committed to get help? If he's committed to getting help he will make his appointments. Actions speak louder than words.

He can want to see you every other week and remain contact but you can create a boundary that you don't want to remain contact or have little contact. Boundaries protect you and take care of you.

LC would be for him, not for me

I know that

It would be to not be too hard on him

Once again, I do not think about myself but think about him

I could let a month with NC passes at least to be clearer in my mind and see how it is in a month from now

I still cannot put my needs ahead of his... .My case is desperate

That sounds like a good idea to start with 30 days and see how you feel after a month  |iiii Do one thing at a time.

Perhaps the thing to do is do nothing?  Work on healing yourself for now and let him heal himself.  If his intentions are true and he is being genuine about working on his issues for himself then that will become readily apparent over time.  I would caution against saying anything that might lead him to think if he addresses his issues there might be a chance to salvage something.  He needs to help himself for himself.

How did the move go?

Don't feel too downhearted, it takes time to change your focus from his needs to yours. If you're used to taking care of someone else you can't change the focus back to you in just 4 weeks. Especially if you still are contacted by that person. It's like having an alcoholic quit drinking but letting them walk past the liquor store on a regular basis.

Focusing on you, your needs, feeling what it is that you want, you have to learn to do that (again). And it is best done in a NC situation where someone can't claim you, your attention, your time and distract you from you.

Hang in there    You can do this. And when you feel weak or in doubt just come here.

The move didn't go the way I expected. I went back to my place last Tuesday and tonight is the first night he will stay at his new appartment

You have a good point when you say that u shouldn't let the door open. It is very difficult for me to close doors. I don't know where it comes from

You don't necessarily have to close the door here Isa, just don't let him know it is open, even if it is only a crack.   :)

First day alone in my place! It was my first night alone last night and this morning, I woke up with a large smile on my face, feeling so good! Of course I had a few text messages from my ex when I looked at my phone, because he feels like we will be getting back together soon.

So now, it is the next step of my journey to real happiness: tell him that I don't want to go back together.

He asked me to take some time to think about it and I will tell him the truth: I appreciated the time we spent last week with the kids but don't feel love for him anymore and I don't see myself in this relationship anymore despite the fact that it is hurting him and our 2 kids.

Going back together with him would be like having a kind of roommate relationship... .No feelings involved, just being to spend so nice time together (but not all the time)

It probably will be a long run, but I am prepared. The doubts I had faded away and I know for sure that I do not want to be back in this rs.

I may feel some doubts again in the future but I will deal with them whenever they occur.

Go lala! Go lala!   *)

Just the fact you woke up with a smile 

It is OK to waffle Isa, we all do it.  The important thing is that you be honest with yourself and as long as you continue to do that you will be right as rain.    :)

So in hindsight you can see what happened Isa: you gave yourself some distance from him, got strong, and felt good about your decisions and that they are right for you.  Then you spent some time with him again, unfortunate but probably his plan, and it weakened you, made you doubt yourself again.  Then he left, and you got right back to strong.  So there's the answer.  I'd recommend you don't communicate with him at all for several months at least, so you get your feet firmly on the ground and your head straight, and can then make decisions from that place.  It's sad about your sons, unfortunate fallout from a relationship that didn't work out, but you and your son can now strategize on how to use this as motivation to make new friends at school, a good skill to have that will last a lifetime.  Take care of you!

Good on you Isa_lala

Some confusion can be normal.


Totally know this feeling. Something to look forward to for weeks or even months after the end of your relationship.


Remember, it's your right to stay or leave the relationship.

I hope everything goes smoothly for you:)

You are so right! I even haven't thought of that. It is because he knows how to manipulate me even if it is not in a mean way.

I know for sure that he is playing a role (the nice guy role) to have me back. And I know that the "bad guy" is right behind this façade... .

When he asked me to remain in contact, I did not say no because I wanted him to be out of my place before I have this discussion with him. Because I am quite sure that he will be very upset to feel the abandonment ...

So this is the time for him to be very honest with him and to be firm

I found a T to help me in this process and I see her in 10 days from now for the 1st session

Good for you Isa.  Not communicating with him at all will go a long way to allowing you to feel better and heal, and then the fun starts, as you start digging into all of your stuff that you brought to the relationship, and how he triggered you emotionally and why, and you might find that the growth that comes out of that is the gift of the relationship.

Hello everyone

This morning, I fell happier than yesterday. I have a long weekend coming for Easter and for the first time in months I am really looking forward to having these 4 days just for my son and myself.

I decided to go LC with my ex for the moment. Presently, he is in the denial step of the grieving process and I will see if he evolves toward the next step or not. I answer his text messages once or twice a day and I respond with a neutral tone, repeating the same thing again and again. If I see that this strategy doesn’t work and that he remains in the denial of the break-up, I will go with NC. I am planning to discuss this with the T on my first session.

For the moment, I feel like Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie… I say something to my ex, he seems to understand and 30 minutes later, he writes me a message that shows that what I said was useless….sigh

Sigh  :)

Do tread carefully with your LC. You seem to have thought about it carefully. What deadline are you looking at to go to NC?

Sorry Isa_lala I'm not clued in to your breakup history with your SO. Have you guys broken up before? The duration of the relationship was about 3 years, is that right?

Hello

We had been together for 3 years and 8 months. 1st break up (and last one, I promise that to myself!)

LC for me is to allow him to slowly get to the idea that our rs is definitely over

If it doesn't work and if he keeps being obsessed by getting me back in the rs I will go NC

I thing going LC for a week or so. That means until next Tuesday / Wednesday

If I see by this moment that LC starts to work a little bit, I may continue it

It is like when you take a medicine: you allow it to make effect for a few days, if not, you change the medicine for another one ... .

Sounds like a definite plan Isa.  Based on what happened last week, with your resolve weakening because he was with you and manipulating, do you agree it would be best to gauge how much you communicate with him based upon how strong you feel?

It is a wise advise. For the moment I am able to "control" the communication. But I need to be careful because even if I know all his manipulating means, I could be caught in this trap.

Stay careful. Don't let your resolve dissolve.

Remember not to lose your communication tools.

I'm not condoning LC or validating it. Honestly I disagree with it, but reminders on the above will help you.

You are right. I think I will read agin the tools available on this website.

Being in contact with him shows me how he is insane in some ways and how the rs is toxic. I have realized these days how he makes me feel guilty. To have taken this step back from him helps me to see more clearly.

And really, what I see these days coming from him definitely doesn't dissolve my resolve. It is the opposite.

I am stating to feel that relief many people mentioned in this website and I won't let this feeling go, it is so good. It is like freedom after having been trapped for a long time.

One way to be careful is to take time to think before replying to anything he sends, if you reply at all.  Think about what he said and why he might have said it and think about the most non-engaging way to reply, if a reply is needed.  If you can step outside of your emotions when you do this all the better.

It is what I do most of the time.

I still somehow try to get my message understood by text message which is not worth it. I have to be cautious to not do that as it is a habit I must change.

I try to respond in a neutral way.

And as I said, I will stop all communications if I see that he remains in the denial

Last night I let myself get caught in an endless and useless exchange of text message with my ex... .That is when I fully understand how NC can be the only way to heal... .So upsetting

"I let myself get caught" is a lot better than "he caught me" Isa.  You're still in control and still strong, and yes, it is upsetting, the end of a relationship usually is, the hardest part being letting go emotionally, you might start working on that letting go, focusing on it and how it feels.  Once you're through that letting go there will be no reason to communicate with him.

It's ok, sometimes the emotions can overwhelm our rational mind.  The good thing is, as HtoH pointed out, is the recognition that you allowed this to happen and you have the power to change it.

Isa_lala do you acknowledge your role in this?  :)

I surely do... .It is how I slowly learn about setting up my boundaries for my own wellbeing.

When I saw that the next morning, my ex-bf started again this kind of exchange of text messages, I blocked his phone number so I haven't received any other texts from him.

Yes we have exchanged some emails afterward, but that is less hurting me because I don't tend to check my email as often I do with my text messages and I only answer when I want.

We spoke on the phone today and I remained strong. He wants us to be all together tomorrow with our 2 kids and I am ok for a couple of hours because of my son who is very willing to see his "half brother"

My ex wants us to have dinner at my place and stay over with his son and I said no. I am ok for a couple of hours in the morning but that's it.

He is still trying to manipulate me , to make me feel guilty but it doesn't work anymore. I think about me, about what I want and I stick with it. If I don't feel doing something I don't do it.

This is my mantra these days.

Nice!

Be careful tomorrow.

As it is Easter it might be difficult to find someone to be there too as sort of a lightning conductor. But maybe you can hang around the children so he has less opportunity to love bomb or manipulate you.

If it gets too difficult don't hesitate to send him away. You don't have to be nice or think about his feelings.  

This is my first Easter without my BPD exgf and her family who i adored in my life. What gets me thru my days now that i'm strict nc. Every day i tell myself each day that you spend not being told you are a piece of s--t, sc-mbag, and every other name you were called for simply sharing the same air i breathed you will be ok. I tell myself no one deserves to live in fear at the hands of another and certainly no one deserves to be abused. Today i came across an email i sent to her back in 2010 addressing her behavior towards me where she admirred she had anger issues and was reading self help books to improve. Theres no doubt as she was diagnosed bipolar and prescribed lamictal that she was misdiagnosed. She held every one of the clinical signs for borderline except cutting. Stay strong everyone it s a long road until we recover.

I don't even know if we will see each other tomorrow because i don't know if his son will go back with him tomorrow

But I will be careful to not be caught in his spider's web.

He is obsessed with the idea of coming here for the night. I told him I had a girl friend for the dinner tonight and he doesn't know if she sleeps here so I won't answer the 8 emails he sent me the last 2-3 hours so he doesn't pop up here

I cannot believe how sick he is.

I tell him something, he seems to understand and a few hours later it is like I have not said anything

I will go NC very soon.

I just called the police because he said that he would come tonight, then he emailed me he was in front of my house and a few minutes later i saw his car so I called the police

Good for you Isa, turning to support when you need it and staying strong.  Keep doing what is right for you and your son, and let us know how it goes.

Thanks

The police came and give me some very good advice.

Tomorrow I will buy a new lock for my front door and will change it.

I will write an email to my ex VERY CLEAR that I do not want him to  contact me either by phone, email or text message and I do not want him to come to my place without having been invited. I will say that If he doesn't respect what I asked I will lodge a complaint at the police, adding that they already made a report and have his name and address

And for the rest of his stuff he let behind, we will arrange an appointment and I will not be alone when he comes

That s it

I am not seeing him tomorrow and I am done with him

Too bad to reach this point but I felt so scared when i saw his car in front of the house that I don't want to experience that another time

Good for you Isa.  4 days ago you started this thread and you were confused.  You don't sound confused anymore, you sound definite.  It is too bad it has to go this way, but you are moving towards your bright future, one way or the other.  Take care of you!

You sound determined  |iiii  You stood up for yourself  |iiii   You kept yourself safe  |iiii

I had this funny feeling it wasn't going to be just a few hours in the morning to have your boys spend some time together...

Send him the clear email you've thought of  |iiii   Change the locks  |iiii   Stay strong 

Yes I don't have any more doubts about what I want in my life

And my ex is not part of what I want

Do you think it is exaggerated to tell my ex to not contact me anymore by any way and to not come to my place without having been invited if not i lodge a complaint ?

Bpd or not, for the last month or so , he has not decided anything

I flew away (with good reasons) he had not choice to go my way: living with my absence that was killing him, having to find a new place to live and fast, not being able to speak with me (we have communicated by email as I decided) etc.

I understand that he is sick but he is not a monster, he is a human being

He needs to be in control and for the last 4-5 weeks, he is not

Controlling any thing and it must be very disturbing for him

Should I keep the police "card" in my sleeve for later. He knows I called the police last night

I would feel more comfortable telling him that last night was the last straw, that I fully understand how he can feel but I don't feel respected in what I ask him (to not come) and that is enough for me , I won't be answering any of his

Email or phone calls.

I would like to tell him that he cannot enter in the house anymore so we will arrange a time soon for him to come to pick the belongings he has left

And if he is harassing me, then, I would use the card of the police saying that I will lodge a complaint

What do you think?

But I am definitely going with NC

Well, you have a right to live any way you want to, and if you don't want to be with him, you don't want to be with him.  The problem is a borderline hates to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, some say they feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment, so he has a whole lot of motivation to continue pursuing you, and you have to escalate what you do in response, getting more and more firm and calling the police if that's what it takes.  Not pretty, but BPD is a mental illness; think about breaking up with someone without a personality disorder, what happens?  They're sad, they may yell, they may beg, whatever, but then they just go away.  Let's hope he just goes away.


Yes, and a human you felt very differently about for a length of time, yes?  Well, things have changed, and it's important to not minimize his behavior either, see it for what it is, regardless of your feelings.  And who knows, sometimes it takes a lot of pain to motivate us to look at our own behavior and seek help, maybe that will happen for him, we can hope.


That's all you need right there.  We don't need people in our lives who don't show us respect or honor our personal requests.


I think it still hasn't been very long since the relationship ended, and you're doing the final cutting now, it's hard, but you are staying on the course you want to be on, good for you, and hopefully he starts to accept it, and things will get much, much better.

I think I mentioned my ex continued trying to contact me for about 9 months after I left her, borderlines hate to lose attachments remember, but she eventually stopped.  I hope she's doing OK and not creating too much pain for anyone else.

Stay strong Isa, you're doing well!

Yes I remember you telling me about your ex contacting you for months. Were you answering? How did you manage?

Funny, she used to send me 15 or 20 texts a day and those stopped immediately, but voicemails and emails continued and she added me to a distribution list for marketing emails for a business she started, so I got a whole lot of spam telling me how awesome she is, total lies all of it, but that's marketing right?  I didn't respond to any of them and deleted them all, I was done, done, done, and she lives a long way from me and never physically showed up.  An interesting thing was the more I learned about the disorder the more it described her, the more her behaviors became understandable, and the more pathetic she seemed, and I eventually developed compassion for her and the tough road she walks.  It was much easier than your ex showing up at your place Isa, and it's a good thing you got the police involved and are changing the locks, doing what you need to do.

It gives me hope when I read about people who have overcomed these situations. Do you feel that you are completely over your ex now FHTH?

Oh yes, it's been years for me Penelope, but all the other stuff, the reasons I got in that relationship, and others, why I stayed, how I felt and thought about myself at the time, what I focused on and made things mean, what I thought a healthy relationship was, all of those things continue to evolve, and they evolved a great deal after I left my ex because of the pain I was in, funny how motivating pain is, and ultimately I came to see the resulting growth as the gift of the relationship.

This is what I am looking forward to. To see and experience the growth in me from this relationship/break-up. I can already see how this experience will end up helping me but at the moment it's all very raw and the pain is too much that many times I loose my faith that I will ever emotionally let go of this relationship. Happy for you!

Isa I am glad to see you taking control. You are on the right path and I hope you keep on going forward     

One great way to make it through, and you will, is to develop an empowering vision for your future, then make it big and bright so it's compelling, then take one step, just one step, in that direction.  And then another.  And after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, it takes on a life of its own, and then one day you'll look back, realize how far you've come, and fall in love with yourself all over again.  Self-love and self-compassion are actions.

So what does that future look like for you Penelope?

To be honest, at this point the future scares me. I am afraid I will be stuck for a long time.

Penelope, where are you in your process? Are you still in a rs?

I changed the lock of my door, that was not easy and it is not perfect, but my ex cannot enter my house anymore

I will feel safer and will be able to go NC without being afraid of seeing him popping up at my place

It is amazing how we see more clearly when we are out of the rs! I see how sick he is. I already feel compassion for him but I know that I cannot do anything for him. And the little energy I have, I prefer to keep it for my self healing

Anyway, it is exhausting a rs with a BPD

Yes, it is.  And part of taking care of yourself and healing is to slow down now, get lots of rest, and your body will let you know when an emotion that needs to be processed comes up.  Good news on the lock, and may he and the police stay out of your life so you can rest.  Springtime!  It's a time of rebirth, yes?

If you focus on being stuck, you will surely be stuck.  And we're motivated to move away from something that scares us, not towards it; what about the future scares you?

I am at the point where I know no contact is my only way to detach from him, I keep trying to stick to it,  I ignore many messages but then I break down and reply and go back to 0. That's what I am doing for the last 4 months... .

You did the right thing with changing the lock!

I am afraid I will be alone and thinking how magical the fantasy of my relationship was... .

I understand Penelope.  The fantasy was pretty awesome, too bad the reality was as bad as the fantasy was good, at least in my case.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things though, and one thing that is cool is being alone for a while after these relationships end is an opportunity to fall in love with ourselves all over again, or for the first time, and really create the life of our dreams on our terms, and once we do, we become mighty attractive, and then the right people show up in our lives, ones we don't need fantasies for because they're real.  Now there's a future, yes?

*mod*

This thread has reached its post limit. Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.