4 weeks after the break-up - so confused

[Isa_lala]

It’s been 4 weeks since I left my place and broke-up with my non-diagnosed BPD BF. He finally moves out from my place today, to start living in his new apartment and I hope I will have time to rest and heal.

The problem is that my ex-BF doesn’t consider himself as my ex. For him, it is not a separation.

He wants us to see each other every week and remain in contact.

I should say that the last week, I have had doubts about what I want: NC? Low contact? Continue to see him once a week and remain in contact?

When I broke-up 4 weeks ago it was because I wanted all the problematic situations to end. I couldn’t take them anymore. I had lost hope for any changes and my love for my BF was fading away.

I still don’t feel the same love that I had always felt for him. I like him but I cannot say for the moment that I love him.

He is seeing a T for the 4th time this week and is supposed to continue the weekly meetings for a little while. He is very determined to be better and to be able to live with me again.

He cannot stand the idea of losing me and losing our family (he has a kid, I have one, they are like 2 brothers). So he refuses the idea of us breaking-up.

And then, I don’t know what to do. I need to find a T to help me to clear my thought and look deep inside me to figure what I want…

But for the moment, he still has the control over me; I let him have this control. I don’t express my needs and I don’t respect them because I don’t know exactly what I want anymore…. Very confused.

[WoundedBibi]

  Of course you are confused. That is one of the benefits of NC, getting more distance creates more room to become you again, to feel what it is you really want. How can you feel what it is you want if someone keeps jumping up and down in front of you, yelling "me! Me! You want me!"

What would be the benefit of low contact or the once per week contact?

[Mutt]

That is one of the benefits of NC, getting more distance creates more room to become you again, to feel what it is you really want.

I agree with WoundedBibi. I would feel confused. Do you feel like he's committed to get help? If he's committed to getting help he will make his appointments. Actions speak louder than words.

He can want to see you every other week and remain contact but you can create a boundary that you don't want to remain contact or have little contact. Boundaries protect you and take care of you.

[Isa_lala]

LC would be for him, not for me

I know that

It would be to not be too hard on him

Once again, I do not think about myself but think about him

I could let a month with NC passes at least to be clearer in my mind and see how it is in a month from now

I still cannot put my needs ahead of his... .My case is desperate

[Mutt]

I could let a month with NC passes at least to be clearer in my mind and see how it is in a month from now

That sounds like a good idea to start with 30 days and see how you feel after a month  Do one thing at a time.

[C.Stein]

Perhaps the thing to do is do nothing?  Work on healing yourself for now and let him heal himself.  If his intentions are true and he is being genuine about working on his issues for himself then that will become readily apparent over time.  I would caution against saying anything that might lead him to think if he addresses his issues there might be a chance to salvage something.  He needs to help himself for himself.

How did the move go?

[WoundedBibi]

Don't feel too downhearted, it takes time to change your focus from his needs to yours. If you're used to taking care of someone else you can't change the focus back to you in just 4 weeks. Especially if you still are contacted by that person. It's like having an alcoholic quit drinking but letting them walk past the liquor store on a regular basis.

Focusing on you, your needs, feeling what it is that you want, you have to learn to do that (again). And it is best done in a NC situation where someone can't claim you, your attention, your time and distract you from you.

Hang in there    You can do this. And when you feel weak or in doubt just come here.

[Isa_lala]

Perhaps the thing to do is do nothing?  Work on healing yourself for now and let him heal himself.  If his intentions are true and he is being genuine about working on his issues for himself then that will become readily apparent over time.  I would caution against saying anything that might lead him to think if he addresses his issues there might be a chance to salvage something.  He needs to help himself for himself.

How did the move go?

The move didn't go the way I expected. I went back to my place last Tuesday and tonight is the first night he will stay at his new appartment

You have a good point when you say that u shouldn't let the door open. It is very difficult for me to close doors. I don't know where it comes from

[C.Stein]

You have a good point when you say that u shouldn't let the door open. It is very difficult for me to close doors. I don't know where it comes from

You don't necessarily have to close the door here Isa, just don't let him know it is open, even if it is only a crack.   

[Isa_lala]

First day alone in my place! It was my first night alone last night and this morning, I woke up with a large smile on my face, feeling so good! Of course I had a few text messages from my ex when I looked at my phone, because he feels like we will be getting back together soon.

So now, it is the next step of my journey to real happiness: tell him that I don't want to go back together.

He asked me to take some time to think about it and I will tell him the truth: I appreciated the time we spent last week with the kids but don't feel love for him anymore and I don't see myself in this relationship anymore despite the fact that it is hurting him and our 2 kids.

Going back together with him would be like having a kind of roommate relationship... .No feelings involved, just being to spend so nice time together (but not all the time)

It probably will be a long run, but I am prepared. The doubts I had faded away and I know for sure that I do not want to be back in this rs.

[Isa_lala]

I may feel some doubts again in the future but I will deal with them whenever they occur.

[WoundedBibi]

Go lala! Go lala!   

Just the fact you woke up with a smile 

[C.Stein]

I may feel some doubts again in the future but I will deal with them whenever they occur.

It is OK to waffle Isa, we all do it.  The important thing is that you be honest with yourself and as long as you continue to do that you will be right as rain.   

[fromheeltoheal]

So in hindsight you can see what happened Isa: you gave yourself some distance from him, got strong, and felt good about your decisions and that they are right for you.  Then you spent some time with him again, unfortunate but probably his plan, and it weakened you, made you doubt yourself again.  Then he left, and you got right back to strong.  So there's the answer.  I'd recommend you don't communicate with him at all for several months at least, so you get your feet firmly on the ground and your head straight, and can then make decisions from that place.  It's sad about your sons, unfortunate fallout from a relationship that didn't work out, but you and your son can now strategize on how to use this as motivation to make new friends at school, a good skill to have that will last a lifetime.  Take care of you!

[gotbushels]

Good on you Isa_lala

Some confusion can be normal.

First day alone in my place! It was my first night alone last night and this morning, I woke up with a large smile on my face, feeling so good!

Totally know this feeling. Something to look forward to for weeks or even months after the end of your relationship.

It probably will be a long run, but I am prepared. The doubts I had faded away and I know for sure that I do not want to be back in this rs.

Remember, it's your right to stay or leave the relationship.

I hope everything goes smoothly for you:)

[Isa_lala]

So in hindsight you can see what happened Isa: you gave yourself some distance from him, got strong, and felt good about your decisions and that they are right for you.  Then you spent some time with him again, unfortunate but probably his plan, and it weakened you, made you doubt yourself again.  Then he left, and you got right back to strong.  So there's the answer.  I'd recommend you don't communicate with him at all for several months at least, so you get your feet firmly on the ground and your head straight, and can then make decisions from that place.  It's sad about your sons, unfortunate fallout from a relationship that didn't work out, but you and your son can now strategize on how to use this as motivation to make new friends at school, a good skill to have that will last a lifetime.  Take care of you!

You are so right! I even haven't thought of that. It is because he knows how to manipulate me even if it is not in a mean way.

I know for sure that he is playing a role (the nice guy role) to have me back. And I know that the "bad guy" is right behind this façade... .

When he asked me to remain in contact, I did not say no because I wanted him to be out of my place before I have this discussion with him. Because I am quite sure that he will be very upset to feel the abandonment ...

So this is the time for him to be very honest with him and to be firm

I found a T to help me in this process and I see her in 10 days from now for the 1st session

[fromheeltoheal]

I found a T to help me in this process and I see her in 10 days from now for the 1st session

Good for you Isa.  Not communicating with him at all will go a long way to allowing you to feel better and heal, and then the fun starts, as you start digging into all of your stuff that you brought to the relationship, and how he triggered you emotionally and why, and you might find that the growth that comes out of that is the gift of the relationship.

[Isa_lala]

Hello everyone

This morning, I fell happier than yesterday. I have a long weekend coming for Easter and for the first time in months I am really looking forward to having these 4 days just for my son and myself.

I decided to go LC with my ex for the moment. Presently, he is in the denial step of the grieving process and I will see if he evolves toward the next step or not. I answer his text messages once or twice a day and I respond with a neutral tone, repeating the same thing again and again. If I see that this strategy doesn’t work and that he remains in the denial of the break-up, I will go with NC. I am planning to discuss this with the T on my first session.

For the moment, I feel like Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie… I say something to my ex, he seems to understand and 30 minutes later, he writes me a message that shows that what I said was useless….sigh

[gotbushels]

For the moment, I feel like Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie… I say something to my ex, he seems to understand and 30 minutes later, he writes me a message that shows that what I said was useless….sigh

Sigh 

Do tread carefully with your LC. You seem to have thought about it carefully. What deadline are you looking at to go to NC?

Sorry Isa_lala I'm not clued in to your breakup history with your SO. Have you guys broken up before? The duration of the relationship was about 3 years, is that right?

[Isa_lala]

For the moment, I feel like Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie… I say something to my ex, he seems to understand and 30 minutes later, he writes me a message that shows that what I said was useless….sigh

Sigh 

Do tread carefully with your LC. You seem to have thought about it carefully. What deadline are you looking at to go to NC?

Sorry Isa_lala I'm not clued in to your breakup history with your SO. Have you guys broken up before? The duration of the relationship was about 3 years, is that right?

Hello

We had been together for 3 years and 8 months. 1st break up (and last one, I promise that to myself!)

LC for me is to allow him to slowly get to the idea that our rs is definitely over

If it doesn't work and if he keeps being obsessed by getting me back in the rs I will go NC

I thing going LC for a week or so. That means until next Tuesday / Wednesday

If I see by this moment that LC starts to work a little bit, I may continue it

It is like when you take a medicine: you allow it to make effect for a few days, if not, you change the medicine for another one ... .

[fromheeltoheal]

LC for me is to allow him to slowly get to the idea that our rs is definitely over

If it doesn't work and if he keeps being obsessed by getting me back in the rs I will go NC

I thing going LC for a week or so. That means until next Tuesday / Wednesday

If I see by this moment that LC starts to work a little bit, I may continue it

It is like when you take a medicine: you allow it to make effect for a few days, if not, you change the medicine for another one ... .

Sounds like a definite plan Isa.  Based on what happened last week, with your resolve weakening because he was with you and manipulating, do you agree it would be best to gauge how much you communicate with him based upon how strong you feel?

[Isa_lala]

LC for me is to allow him to slowly get to the idea that our rs is definitely over

If it doesn't work and if he keeps being obsessed by getting me back in the rs I will go NC

I thing going LC for a week or so. That means until next Tuesday / Wednesday

If I see by this moment that LC starts to work a little bit, I may continue it

It is like when you take a medicine: you allow it to make effect for a few days, if not, you change the medicine for another one ... .

Sounds like a definite plan Isa.  Based on what happened last week, with your resolve weakening because he was with you and manipulating, do you agree it would be best to gauge how much you communicate with him based upon how strong you feel?

It is a wise advise. For the moment I am able to "control" the communication. But I need to be careful because even if I know all his manipulating means, I could be caught in this trap.

[gotbushels]

Stay careful. Don't let your resolve dissolve.

Remember not to lose your communication tools.

I'm not condoning LC or validating it. Honestly I disagree with it, but reminders on the above will help you.

[Isa_lala]

You are right. I think I will read agin the tools available on this website.

Being in contact with him shows me how he is insane in some ways and how the rs is toxic. I have realized these days how he makes me feel guilty. To have taken this step back from him helps me to see more clearly.

And really, what I see these days coming from him definitely doesn't dissolve my resolve. It is the opposite.

I am stating to feel that relief many people mentioned in this website and I won't let this feeling go, it is so good. It is like freedom after having been trapped for a long time.

[C.Stein]

For the moment I am able to "control" the communication. But I need to be careful because even if I know all his manipulating means, I could be caught in this trap.

One way to be careful is to take time to think before replying to anything he sends, if you reply at all.  Think about what he said and why he might have said it and think about the most non-engaging way to reply, if a reply is needed.  If you can step outside of your emotions when you do this all the better.

[Isa_lala]

It is what I do most of the time.

I still somehow try to get my message understood by text message which is not worth it. I have to be cautious to not do that as it is a habit I must change.

I try to respond in a neutral way.

And as I said, I will stop all communications if I see that he remains in the denial

[Isa_lala]

Last night I let myself get caught in an endless and useless exchange of text message with my ex... .That is when I fully understand how NC can be the only way to heal... .So upsetting

[fromheeltoheal]

Last night I let myself get caught in an endless and useless exchange of text message with my ex... .That is when I fully understand how NC can be the only way to heal... .So upsetting

"I let myself get caught" is a lot better than "he caught me" Isa.  You're still in control and still strong, and yes, it is upsetting, the end of a relationship usually is, the hardest part being letting go emotionally, you might start working on that letting go, focusing on it and how it feels.  Once you're through that letting go there will be no reason to communicate with him.

[C.Stein]

Last night I let myself get caught in an endless and useless exchange of text message with my ex... .That is when I fully understand how NC can be the only way to heal... .So upsetting

It's ok, sometimes the emotions can overwhelm our rational mind.  The good thing is, as HtoH pointed out, is the recognition that you allowed this to happen and you have the power to change it.

[gotbushels]

Last night I let myself get caught in an endless and useless exchange of text message with my ex... .That is when I fully understand how NC can be the only way to heal... .So upsetting

Isa_lala do you acknowledge your role in this?