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Well last night at around 10 pm my exgf of 8 months texted me. I responded too , probably shouldnt have. Anyway I was in complete shock. Never expected to hear from her again. It's been 6 months no contact. I posted in detaching but got the usual responses. I'm posting here because there is a part of me that would like to at least get together and talk.

Her: not sure if this is the right thing to do or not but just wondering how you are doing.

Me after 20 mins: hey I'm ok , how about you?

Her: I'm fine thanks, don't want to bother you if your working.

Anyway we went on, she asked me about my daughter and I asked about hers. Just light convo I never mentioned the relationship. After about 45 mins she said glad we were able to talk and said goodnight. So crazy, I was literally flustered and shaking. Couldn't concentrate on anything. What the hell was that, why after 8 months?

And now after I kinda start liking someone? Ughhh I can't take this. It didn't affect me like I thought it would and I'm not over anillyzing the conversation. I do however  keep thinking about it more and more as the days go on. To the point I might want to text her.

I think this kind of behavior is super common with a pwBPD. They're never quite "gone": they'll think about you months or years later and, because they're impulsive, they'll break no contact just for the hell of it (or because they're lonely, or sad, or ruminating), thinking that "enough time has passed" or whatever. It's not really an attempt to reengage necessarily, it's just them checking their options, testing the waters, or attention-seeking.

Hi Bigmd,

You seem to be questioning why you are reacting so strongly to the renewed contact after all that time apart when you thought you were making so much progress.

I've been in this same position myself recently. Bumping into my BPDxbf renewed all the longing and reactivated my obsession with him, almost as if the interim period of separation hadn't taken place. You're not unusual in your response. To me, it indicated that things were nowhere near as resolved as I had thought they were.

The question is what you want to do about it. I renewed contact and am now going through all the reasons it needed to end in the first place yet again. I wish I'd thought before I jumped back in because I have found that if I ignore the urge to reconnect long enough, that urge passes and the obsessional thoughts go away. May I suggest you make a pros and cons list of being in a relationship with your ex before you make contact? It might change your perspective. If you give yourself time for any cPTSD reactions to subside, the situation may take care of itself. It may also be time for plenty of distraction... .

Love Lifewriter

Thanks guys. I have a distraction as I'm kinda seeing someone. But as I found out I'm not over my ex and am still curious if we could reconnect. Although I know it could be detrimental to me. Righ now it's been 4 days and I'm kinda sitting back. But I have thought about texting her. After all it has worked in the past when I was married. I know for sure that the story is not over and this was most likely a feeler. I never brought up the relationship though.

Quick update. I texted her this afternoon to see if I can text her later tonite. My thinking was I'll test the waters myself. if she ignores or says no than I move on like I've been. But she said yes to text her. I know this is prob wrong but the moment I heard from her I kinda knew the door was opening again.

What are you going to say to her?

That's a good queation. Nothing about the past for now. Just keep it light. Build off of that

That sounds like a good plan! But you should also think about what you'll do if she brings that stuff up. Know your boundaries about that. Otherwise, keep your expectations low, stay cool, and validate.

Thanks I'm very nervous. I doubt she will bring anything up. This is usually how it happened when I was married. Except not this much time in between. I'm assuming she opened door on purpose . We shall see. Never thought I would be in this situation

Yeah, I'd be shocked if I heard from mine too! I'm interested to see how this goes... .  :)

Well I was lol. I had written her off and was moving on. I'm a ball of nerves right now. At her angriest 3 years  ago we broke up. I was still married. She told me it was over for sure. Months went by maybe 3. I texted her from FL while n vacation . The door opened again.

         Ok we talked last night through text. It didn't go bad. I told her I was surprised to hear from her Thursday. She said she just wanted to know how I was doing. She wanted to text before that but didn't think it was right time. It was just light convo. At one point she said I needed to be happy with myself before I could make others happy. Wasn't sure what she meant by that but than she said she wasn't placing blame and didn't want to bring up the past. She said mentally we both were in different places at he time. Not sure about that either. She was the one with all the stress. Anyway after all that we texted for about an hour. Eventually I asked if she was up for us to start talking again. She said yes that would be ok. I then asked if maybe we can do coffee. She replied with maybe eventually.

          I think it went ok . We haven't talked in 6 months. I'll admit I have a little anxiety today.

If your BPDx is anything like mine, prepare for things to start speeding up at a ridiculous rate of knots from here on in... .

Has anyone else got any advice as to how to keep things at a reasonable pace once the attachment reasserts itself?

Lifewriter x

Life writer how do you mean? I have so many things running through my mind. A part of me wants to just pour my feelings out, maybe a letter. A part wants to run from the situation because I'm a little angry I went down this road. A part of me also wants to ask her straight up if there can be anything again. If she said no I'm confident I would have no problem moving on.

Hi Bigmd.


Here's how NOT to do it from my very recent experience of re-connecting with my BPDxbf. Unfortunately, I can't tell you a better way:

I bumped into my BPDxbf on 11th March. It was the anniversary of our recycles commencing and I was very tearful and upset. He comforted me and suggested that we could meet up every Friday, as 'friends' with 'no expectations' upon either side but with the hope that if we took it slowly it could develop into something 'special' over time.

When we parted, I immediately went into obsessional mode. I couldn't stop thinking about him or checking my emails. I became a mad woman because he wasn't replying to me and I thought he'd still got my email address blocked. Eventually, he made contact and we met for that 'no expectations' coffee on 18th March. I tried to play it cool because that's what he said he wanted. As it turned out, I felt rejected by him cutting the meeting unnecessarily short and he felt rejected by me being 'cold' towards him. We sent numerous emails to sort this misunderstanding out and then agreed to meet for a drink on 22nd March and ended up in bed. On the 25th, he spent the night at my house and declared this could be it, we could be spending the rest of our lives together.

So we have, 'no expectations' to 'together forever' in the space on 2 weeks and only 4 meetings. We are now very clearly on the BPD seesaw (and to be clear, I'm on it with him). He is already getting angry and telling me what's wrong with me. I am dreading hearing from him, wanting to distance myself from him again. The rollercoaster became well and truly established within a space of 2 weeks. And it took both of us to allow that to happen.

I can't speak for you, or for others, but I would say, don't underestimate the power of the attachments that form with pwBPD, their neediness or your own neediness, for that matter... .

I hope that answers your question.

Love Lifewriter

My honest interpretation of this ... .excuses and subtle blame shifting.  These are the same kind of excuses I would here from my ex so she could avoid taking responsibility for her choices/actions/behavior.  

I hear you guys loud and clear. I know this is a dangerous game , but I didn't have to play if I didn't want to. Maybe it's my curiosity or seeking a sense of closure. C. Stein I agree. She always played the blame game. I went into the convo not trying to bring up anything of past. She brought it up. The funny thing is she said she wasn't trying to place blame lol. If anyone has an opinion on what to do next I would like to hear it.

I might think the fact she said that (see bold) would indicate that is exactly what she is doing within her own mind.

What you do is your choice (and risk) and yours alone, however I think you are well aware the outcome of any reconciliation will likely land you back on this board eventually.  My recommendation would be whatever you do make sure it comes from a place of rational and logical thought, not emotional/physical.  You have spent enough time on this board to know if she has not sought help for her own personal well being then chances are better than not the next round will be the same or worse than the first.

Yea c. Stein I'm well aware of what could happen although I think knowing what I know , I'll be able to handle it better. Do you think I should text her today?

For what purpose and what would you say?

This is an interesting situation... .I'm stumped on what you should do next, because I'm not clear on what outcome you actually want.

Do you want to recycle and go back to whatever things were like with her before she left? (See LW's description of that two weeks in!)

Do you want to re-connect with her as a friend and person in your life, but not restart romantically with her?

Do you want to try to re-start a romantic relationship with her that is different from how it was before? And if so, what differences do you want? ("Not being abused by her" is kindof a given, but not the kind of answer that will help you)

C.S. Im not sure lol. Maybe just a hey how's your day. My therapist said hold off for a few days. Grey Kitty I definately would want a relationship without the rage and ST's. I'm not sure if that could happen. But if we could meet up it would be a nice first step.

I would caution you to be realistic in your expectations.  

"Nice chatting with you last night, let's do it again some time soon," would be the most I would personally say. But either way I'd let her make the next move. Don't get ahead of yourself!

Yes, of course you want this, but when you state it that way, you are (effectively) saying this:

"I want her to fix the relationship we had before."

Which to me looks like a recipe to exactly repeat what you had before, complete with the same rage and ST.

On the Improving board one of my favorite sayings was "Nothing changes without changes." I believe that--if you don't do anything differently, the relationship won't be any different.

What changes are YOU committing to make to this relationship should it re-start?

Guys I know I'm hoping against hope. I'm letting my heart make decisions here. I've come so far and thought I was ok only to find myself in this position. All because of one text from her. I truly lover her and would love to be together. I'm not sure it could ever happen. Grey Kitty I've been in therapy for years. Althought I have been going at least once a week since the break up. I have underlying issues as well that go back to child hood and not wanting to disappoint my parents. I'm definately working on myself. I'm not without my faults. But I would have gave her the world. If she told me today she didn't want to talk I would be ok with it , really. But the fact that she opened the door has given me a little hope. I'm probably over analyzing it all.

Bigmd, I'm not trying to talk you out of trying again.

I am trying to suggest that if you want this to go better, you would do well to plan on some changes.

One possibility would be forcing this to go slowly.

pwBPD tend toward black and white thinking, so once she stops painting you black, she will paint you white, want to move back in and resume everything as "normal", and start pulling you in as hard as she can once the pushing you away stops.

You can insist that you will stick to being friendly and dating only for a while to see if you are strong enough to deal with the inevitable rages or silent treatment.

Not texting her all day every day. Not seeing her six nights a week. Not moving her back in or moving in with her.

Those things would be a lot more appropriate gradually building over months.

An addendum to my previous post:

Two weeks in and my BPDbf has just ended it. Do you really want that rollercoaster?

Having said that, I always needed to learn the hard way. I could never be told... .

Love Lifewriter

Yeah Bigmd, I think you're hearing a lot of "slow your roll" here, and that's a sentiment that comes from experience.

Can you tell us more about the talk last night? Where's she at in life right now?

Life writer I know that's a possibility. I probably don't need it in my life right now. Like you I may need to learn the hard way.

Maple Bob she's still working at the daycare I met her at. Still in same house. From what I can tell everything is the same and I'm assuming she's alone. I do remember her alimony ends this year too .

Grey Kitty I know your not trying to do that. I was just kinda wondering do I leave the ball in her court so to speak? Just sit back and wait or was thinking of sending a text later. I was thinking about asking her about how she feels about us talking again.

She sounds like she's in a fairly stable situation (except for the alimony, but who knows?). Like I said earlier, "it was nice to talk to you, let's do it again some time?" is the most "pushing" I would personally do.

That sounds good or maybe remind her of a funny story from when we dated.

I'd advise against the "memory lane" stuff. Tends to bring up the "yeah, that was great, but then... .(a bunch of hard stuff happened)."

Ok I won't do that lol. Right now I'm kinda wishing she never text me in the first place. It's really turning my world upside down .

How did your relationship end?

It ended in July out of blue. She broke up over phone blaming everything on me. I didn't know about BPD at the time. A month later I found out about it and the relationship made sense . A lot of ST, some rages, lots of criticism etc. you probably wonder why I want back in. Yesterday I realized I have made so much progress in past 8 months where I was happy and moved on. I also realized I would have been a lot better off if she never texted me. Because since then my head has been all over the place. Yesterday I kept wondering what should I do, why hasn't she texted and all that crap. Basically the same as when we dated. I didn't want to fall back into that state of mind, it's not good. So last night I texted her at 11:30. She was sleeping most likely. I said it was great talking the other day. Hope you had a great day , text me tomorrow if you want . If she texts me well that would be ok. If she doesn't , that will be ok too. Then I know there is probably nothing there. I can't force it. Oh well this is why NC is so important. It showed me how easy it was to go down that road again.

I also have a tendency to over analyze things.  :)id she really open the door to a potential reconciliation or is this just what you want to believe?

I agree with what GK said in that if personal change doesn't come from both sides chances are nothing will change with respect to the relationship.


This is not a good sign from your end and it is good you have recognized it.

I'm not sure why she opened the door to be honest. I know she hasn't changed. Just by speaking with her friend a few months ago and the way she still projected blame on me the other night. At this point I'll  wait and see. But giving serious consideration to meeting up and talk about what I think happened in relationship. After all, I have not a thing to lose.

What chance do you think there is for her reaching out to you because her alimony is coming to an end?

I've thought about that too. At this point I'm not sure I have the energy to do this dance anymore. I really am giving serious thought to telling her what's on my mind. Something I never was able to do.

You owe it to yourself and her to be honest here.  Nothing good will come from putting on the rose colored glasses again. 

Yes sir your right. It's known your never supposed to tell them , but I'll see if I can meet up with her as someone that still loves her and cares about her. I'll mull it over for a few days. I have therapy tomorrow I'll run it by her.

There is never anything wrong with mulling things over before speaking.  Get clarity on your own thoughts, motivations and desires so you can speak from a place of confidence.

I'm sure it will go horribly wrong. She has never taken responsibility for anything. Always my fault. Anyway I figure why not? Have nothing to lose.

If you are going to reconcile, even to the point of being friends with her, and especially if you do reconnect romantically, this is half-true.

You do need to tell her what you are feeling... .with limits.

One limit is that you don't need to tell her everything you are feeling.

The other one is you need to be very careful HOW you tell her. We've got pages and pages of lessons on communication tools for this here!

... .thinking about it and running it by  your T sounds excellent!

Thanks GK. at this point no use in avoiding the topic. I'm only thinking about this because she reached out to me. If she didn't I would never contact her. I understand I will have to tread lightly.

Bigmd,

You're getting a lot of great advice here but you seem hell bent on making contact with her regardless of ALL the warning signs that everyone is telling you & that you ALREADY know.  You said, "I've been in therapy for years. Althought I have been going at least once a week since the break up. I have underlying issues as well that go back to child hood and not wanting to disappoint my parents. "  This in addition to other items you've spoke of scream classic codependency and your therapist has probably told you that already. 

You are "naturally" attracted to your BPD as most of us were. We are the perfectionist and the Knight riding in to save her. Knowing that if we make her world perfect she will love me for saving her and giving her, as you said, "The world".  Again this is textbook codependent behavior.

As I've said before, we are condemned to repeat the past if we do NOT learn from our past ... .

As someone has pointed out already and I will emphasize, if you still intend to talk to you exBPDgf, then you need to make & set YOUR boundaries and stand by them.  They can be that you won't tolerate verbal abuse, mental or emotional abuse. That you won't accept full blame for any relationship issue because as anyone here will emphasize is that it takes 2 to make & destroy a relationship. But it is YOUR choice to break with the group thinking and talk to her ... .or continue the path your on ... .

J

Well I intended on talking but not looking like its gonna happen. We haven't spoken since the other night. I texted her late last that I was glad we spoke and to text me if she wanted to. I guess she didn't want to because I haven't heard from her. So I now realize I could have done without her dumb text. Honestly I don't have the energy to even do this again. It's probably back to NC for me. I was doing so good, a little angry at myself.

honestly brother you got to do what you got to do. I did what you did back in december, before i knew what BPD was. All i can say is she really knows how to bring some shame up in me, really does a great job of opening up some wounds. It really is some of the worst pain ive gone through in a long time. I'm talking serious depressed states of mind. And it takes time and effort to pull yourself out.

My buddy recently told me that he is friends with the guy she dated before me (had no idea) and he told my buddy that she's psycho. This was good for me because it made me know that im not the only one who knows how serious of a mental issue shes got goin on. I got my issues as well, so does everyone. However, i think you got to take into consideration, she is most likely using you man. Good luck in your decision. 

Bigmd,

don't be so hard on yourself. We've been where you are and know what you're going through. That's what we're here for, you stumbled on your path of NC, well if you look behind you you'll see people like JC1010, myself and others holding out a hand to help you up, dust you off. Now the tough part is back on you, do you continue down the path your currently on? Do you take the path to the right and see where that will lead you? Or do you sit back down right where you're at and do nothing?  The choice is and ALWAYS has been yours to make!

I would recommend that you take some time for yourself ... .get right with yourself. Seek out a good therapist who knows a lot about BPD & codependent r/s to help you sort out your thoughts, emotions and feelings about what you're going through. A lot of us have and I'm here to tell you that it's a great sign of strength and NOT weakness to ask for help.  There are things at work here that none of us had a clue about and we all professional guidance from time to time because NONE of us know all the answers to everything.

So at this moment start to work on yourself. Get a good night sleep and if you can't, stop by the store tomorrow and get some Melatonin ... .your stress levels have interfered with your bodies own production of this natural supplement. You can find it in the vitamin section and I would start with 5mg and go from there. Tomorrow morning, get up 30 minutes early and go for a mile walk. It'll only take you 15 minutes ... .20 minutes tops. Get a good breakfast and enjoy the rest of your Friday.  Take the weekend to talk to an old friend you haven't in some time and catch up with them. Hell go to a movie ... .there are couple of good ones out. Go for a burger & a beer, some italian and a glass of wine or a salad in a glass of water with your buddy. The point is get the hell out of your apt and begin to live & explore life again!  You do all of that ... .and keep doing all of that and you'll be on a good path.

If you feel a moment of weakness or you have one to many beers and feel like calling her, come here and let us know. Someone will talk to you and help you out.

It's going to get better ... .it always gets better ... .this moment in time is just temporary

J

pwBPD and codependents are like an alcoholic with alcohol.

They know it is bad for them, it has wrecked their lives over and over, but due to the ability of both parties to compartmentalize they can look back at a certain compartment and think, it wasn't always that bad, one drink will be just like that good night we had... So goes the temptation.

Then comes the next night, or the next and you are into a different compartment, then you remember...

Whilst both parties are the same, nothing will change.

Odds are she simply contacted you for a dose of self validation... need met... job done... she moved on... until next time.

In order to "save' something you have to be very aware of the full picture of what you want to save is, not just the edited highlights.

This is so true, waverider. I have lived this NINE times. Every time, I was convinced that I knew something more or was stronger or more detached or he had learnt more and was more healed. Every time I thought I could handle it. I thought we could talk it through and make it work. Each time, I was proved WRONG.

Lifewriter x

Just after I replied to this last nite, she texted about 11:00. Nothing crazy, just saying hi and goodnight. I'm not sure what's gonna happen.

Hi, I'm not surprised that she replied. Even if you didn't text her after speaking, she would have sought contact again. I can't venture why she's come back. You would have the ability to assess that.

Though certain actions tend to increase the probabilities of a positive engagement as opposed to a negative experience.

Based upon the facts as presented, you are in the position of power. You did not seek contact. Therefore your position is both neutral and ambiguous to her. She lacks information. The only way that you can harm/shift the balance of power is by giving it away. Common methods that would harm your position are by over-emoting, over-disclosing, appearing too excited, desperate and needy. I imagine that you already understand those dynamics but it never hurts to repeat the obvious.

Study her moves. Gather information. At this point you cannot be certain of her motives. Hold your cards close to the vest. Wait, watch and see... .what her game plan is. Undoubtedly, she has something in mind. Don't force her hand. Let it develop naturally, without obstruction. Then you will be better informed.

Be unreadable. Say less than her. From my perspective, your main motivation at this point is for the experience to provide you with pleasure. If this renewed contact does not enhance your life in any way then why venture it. She sought contact. The obligation is upon her to make this experience pleasant for you. Otherwise, exercise the power of your position. As pointed out, do not, address points from the prior relational scorecard. Let those elements rest for now. This moment in time is about whether she has anything of value to offer you. Then you can make an informed decision. Just my 2 cents.       

Thanks for the post Conundrum. She mentioned last night she had a lot of stuff on her mind. I didn't ask what it was. I'm playing it cool. Just texted a good morning at that was it. Haven't got a reply.

Hi Bigmd,

PwBPD tend to be on an emotional roller coaster and your job is to stay off that roller coaster. She actually needs you to stay grounded, and wants it. I think when she says you need to be happy, she is also saying you need to be strong. Without a lot of help and counseling, she isn't going to have skills to help her manage her dysregulations and check her thinking, so if you want the relationship to be different this time around, change is going to have to come from you.

This suggests that you are on the roller coaster with her, before any talk of a relationship has even begun:


Being grounded, more than anything else, is essential. It sounds like you've done some good work with a therapist to help you recover. You will need those same skills plus some new ones to stay on track if you pick up with her again.

Partly for your own health, and partly because a relationship where both parties have no brakes is not sustainable. You guys are going to burn each other out.

It's critical for you that you go slow, and even if she pushes to go faster, slow her down for her sake, too. She may want to move quickly. She will also respect you more if you can slow things down (even if she gets mad at your for setting boundaries).

LnL thanks. I'm trying to be relaxed about it. I reached out once today so thats it. I'll wait for her to respond I guess. Not sure what's going on in her life as far as her saying she has a lot on her mind. I definately wanted to ask, my first thought was I wonder if it's us that's on her mind.

One thing you can do for you is to set goals for staying grounded.

Things like:

Don't text her unprompted

Keep texts short and light

Don't initiate coffee or other face to face meetings

If you respond to an invitation to meet, pick somewhere busy, noisy

End conversations after 20 min

Use the phrase, "I'd like to think about it first."

To change habits, it helps to insert yourself into moments that are known triggers, and have some redirects at the ready. It can really help to have phrases cued up that will help bide time until you can get centered and engage from a place that isn't the highest point on the roller coaster.

So just wait for her to text?

Unless you have a seriously legit reason to contact her.

Be strong. This isn't about no contact, it's about you testing your own boundaries. Can you stay on the ground?

You need boundaries for yourself, and she needs you to have them, too.

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