Exgf texted me after 8 months

[MapleBob]

I was just kinda wondering do I leave the ball in her court so to speak? Just sit back and wait or was thinking of sending a text later. I was thinking about asking her about how she feels about us talking again.

She sounds like she's in a fairly stable situation (except for the alimony, but who knows?). Like I said earlier, "it was nice to talk to you, let's do it again some time?" is the most "pushing" I would personally do.

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[Bigmd]

That sounds good or maybe remind her of a funny story from when we dated.

[MapleBob]

That sounds good or maybe remind her of a funny story from when we dated.

I'd advise against the "memory lane" stuff. Tends to bring up the "yeah, that was great, but then... .(a bunch of hard stuff happened)."

[Bigmd]

Ok I won't do that . Right now I'm kinda wishing she never text me in the first place. It's really turning my world upside down .

[blackbirdsong]

Well last night at around 10 pm my exgf of 8 months texted me. I responded too , probably shouldnt have. Anyway I was in complete shock. Never expected to hear from her again. It's been 6 months no contact. I posted in detaching but got the usual responses. I'm posting here because there is a part of me that would like to at least get together and talk.

Her: not sure if this is the right thing to do or not but just wondering how you are doing.

Me after 20 mins: hey I'm ok , how about you?

Her: I'm fine thanks, don't want to bother you if your working.

Anyway we went on, she asked me about my daughter and I asked about hers. Just light convo I never mentioned the relationship. After about 45 mins she said glad we were able to talk and said goodnight. So crazy, I was literally flustered and shaking. Couldn't concentrate on anything. What the hell was that, why after 8 months?

And now after I kinda start liking someone? Ughhh I can't take this. It didn't affect me like I thought it would and I'm not over anillyzing the conversation. I do however  keep thinking about it more and more as the days go on. To the point I might want to text her.

How did your relationship end?

[Bigmd]

It ended in July out of blue. She broke up over phone blaming everything on me. I didn't know about BPD at the time. A month later I found out about it and the relationship made sense . A lot of ST, some rages, lots of criticism etc. you probably wonder why I want back in. Yesterday I realized I have made so much progress in past 8 months where I was happy and moved on. I also realized I would have been a lot better off if she never texted me. Because since then my head has been all over the place. Yesterday I kept wondering what should I do, why hasn't she texted and all that crap. Basically the same as when we dated. I didn't want to fall back into that state of mind, it's not good. So last night I texted her at 11:30. She was sleeping most likely. I said it was great talking the other day. Hope you had a great day , text me tomorrow if you want . If she texts me well that would be ok. If she doesn't , that will be ok too. Then I know there is probably nothing there. I can't force it. Oh well this is why NC is so important. It showed me how easy it was to go down that road again.

[C.Stein]

But the fact that she opened the door has given me a little hope. I'm probably over analyzing it all.

I also have a tendency to over analyze things.  :)id she really open the door to a potential reconciliation or is this just what you want to believe?

I agree with what GK said in that if personal change doesn't come from both sides chances are nothing will change with respect to the relationship.

Yesterday I kept wondering what should I do, why hasn't she texted and all that crap. Basically the same as when we dated. I didn't want to fall back into that state of mind, it's not good.

This is not a good sign from your end and it is good you have recognized it.

[Bigmd]

I'm not sure why she opened the door to be honest. I know she hasn't changed. Just by speaking with her friend a few months ago and the way she still projected blame on me the other night. At this point I'll  wait and see. But giving serious consideration to meeting up and talk about what I think happened in relationship. After all, I have not a thing to lose.

[C.Stein]

I'm not sure why she opened the door to be honest. I know she hasn't changed. Just by speaking with her friend a few months ago and the way she still projected blame on me the other night. At this point I'll  wait and see. But giving serious consideration to meeting up and talk about what I think happened in relationship. After all, I have not a thing to lose.

What chance do you think there is for her reaching out to you because her alimony is coming to an end?

[Bigmd]

I've thought about that too. At this point I'm not sure I have the energy to do this dance anymore. I really am giving serious thought to telling her what's on my mind. Something I never was able to do.

[C.Stein]

I really am giving serious thought to telling her what's on my mind. Something I never was able to do.

You owe it to yourself and her to be honest here.  Nothing good will come from putting on the rose colored glasses again. 

[Bigmd]

Yes sir your right. It's known your never supposed to tell them , but I'll see if I can meet up with her as someone that still loves her and cares about her. I'll mull it over for a few days. I have therapy tomorrow I'll run it by her.

[C.Stein]

Yes sir your right. It's known your never supposed to tell them , but I'll see if I can meet up with her as someone that still loves her and cares about her. I'll mull it over for a few days. I have therapy tomorrow I'll run it by her.

There is never anything wrong with mulling things over before speaking.  Get clarity on your own thoughts, motivations and desires so you can speak from a place of confidence.

[Bigmd]

I'm sure it will go horribly wrong. She has never taken responsibility for anything. Always my fault. Anyway I figure why not? Have nothing to lose.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes sir your right. It's known your never supposed to tell them , but I'll see if I can meet up with her as someone that still loves her and cares about her. I'll mull it over for a few days. I have therapy tomorrow I'll run it by her.

If you are going to reconcile, even to the point of being friends with her, and especially if you do reconnect romantically, this is half-true.

You do need to tell her what you are feeling... .with limits.

One limit is that you don't need to tell her everything you are feeling.

The other one is you need to be very careful HOW you tell her. We've got pages and pages of lessons on communication tools for this here!

... .thinking about it and running it by  your T sounds excellent!

[Bigmd]

Thanks GK. at this point no use in avoiding the topic. I'm only thinking about this because she reached out to me. If she didn't I would never contact her. I understand I will have to tread lightly.

[JQ]

Guys I know I'm hoping against hope. I'm letting my heart make decisions here. I've come so far and thought I was ok only to find myself in this position. All because of one text from her. I truly lover her and would love to be together. I'm not sure it could ever happen. Grey Kitty I've been in therapy for years. Althought I have been going at least once a week since the break up. I have underlying issues as well that go back to child hood and not wanting to disappoint my parents. I'm definately working on myself. I'm not without my faults. But I would have gave her the world. If she told me today she didn't want to talk I would be ok with it , really. But the fact that she opened the door has given me a little hope. I'm probably over analyzing it all.

Bigmd,

You're getting a lot of great advice here but you seem hell bent on making contact with her regardless of ALL the warning signs that everyone is telling you & that you ALREADY know.  You said, "I've been in therapy for years. Althought I have been going at least once a week since the break up. I have underlying issues as well that go back to child hood and not wanting to disappoint my parents. "  This in addition to other items you've spoke of scream classic codependency and your therapist has probably told you that already. 

You are "naturally" attracted to your BPD as most of us were. We are the perfectionist and the Knight riding in to save her. Knowing that if we make her world perfect she will love me for saving her and giving her, as you said, "The world".  Again this is textbook codependent behavior.

As I've said before, we are condemned to repeat the past if we do NOT learn from our past ... .

As someone has pointed out already and I will emphasize, if you still intend to talk to you exBPDgf, then you need to make & set YOUR boundaries and stand by them.  They can be that you won't tolerate verbal abuse, mental or emotional abuse. That you won't accept full blame for any relationship issue because as anyone here will emphasize is that it takes 2 to make & destroy a relationship. But it is YOUR choice to break with the group thinking and talk to her ... .or continue the path your on ... .

J

[Bigmd]

Well I intended on talking but not looking like its gonna happen. We haven't spoken since the other night. I texted her late last that I was glad we spoke and to text me if she wanted to. I guess she didn't want to because I haven't heard from her. So I now realize I could have done without her dumb text. Honestly I don't have the energy to even do this again. It's probably back to NC for me. I was doing so good, a little angry at myself.

[jc1010]

honestly brother you got to do what you got to do. I did what you did back in december, before i knew what BPD was. All i can say is she really knows how to bring some shame up in me, really does a great job of opening up some wounds. It really is some of the worst pain ive gone through in a long time. I'm talking serious depressed states of mind. And it takes time and effort to pull yourself out.

My buddy recently told me that he is friends with the guy she dated before me (had no idea) and he told my buddy that she's psycho. This was good for me because it made me know that im not the only one who knows how serious of a mental issue shes got goin on. I got my issues as well, so does everyone. However, i think you got to take into consideration, she is most likely using you man. Good luck in your decision. 

[JQ]

Well I intended on talking but not looking like its gonna happen. We haven't spoken since the other night. I texted her late last that I was glad we spoke and to text me if she wanted to. I guess she didn't want to because I haven't heard from her. So I now realize I could have done without her dumb text. Honestly I don't have the energy to even do this again. It's probably back to NC for me. I was doing so good, a little angry at myself.

Bigmd,

don't be so hard on yourself. We've been where you are and know what you're going through. That's what we're here for, you stumbled on your path of NC, well if you look behind you you'll see people like JC1010, myself and others holding out a hand to help you up, dust you off. Now the tough part is back on you, do you continue down the path your currently on? Do you take the path to the right and see where that will lead you? Or do you sit back down right where you're at and do nothing?  The choice is and ALWAYS has been yours to make!

I would recommend that you take some time for yourself ... .get right with yourself. Seek out a good therapist who knows a lot about BPD & codependent r/s to help you sort out your thoughts, emotions and feelings about what you're going through. A lot of us have and I'm here to tell you that it's a great sign of strength and NOT weakness to ask for help.  There are things at work here that none of us had a clue about and we all professional guidance from time to time because NONE of us know all the answers to everything.

So at this moment start to work on yourself. Get a good night sleep and if you can't, stop by the store tomorrow and get some Melatonin ... .your stress levels have interfered with your bodies own production of this natural supplement. You can find it in the vitamin section and I would start with 5mg and go from there. Tomorrow morning, get up 30 minutes early and go for a mile walk. It'll only take you 15 minutes ... .20 minutes tops. Get a good breakfast and enjoy the rest of your Friday.  Take the weekend to talk to an old friend you haven't in some time and catch up with them. Hell go to a movie ... .there are couple of good ones out. Go for a burger & a beer, some italian and a glass of wine or a salad in a glass of water with your buddy. The point is get the hell out of your apt and begin to live & explore life again!  You do all of that ... .and keep doing all of that and you'll be on a good path.

If you feel a moment of weakness or you have one to many beers and feel like calling her, come here and let us know. Someone will talk to you and help you out.

It's going to get better ... .it always gets better ... .this moment in time is just temporary

J

[waverider]

pwBPD and codependents are like an alcoholic with alcohol.

They know it is bad for them, it has wrecked their lives over and over, but due to the ability of both parties to compartmentalize they can look back at a certain compartment and think, it wasn't always that bad, one drink will be just like that good night we had... So goes the temptation.

Then comes the next night, or the next and you are into a different compartment, then you remember...

Whilst both parties are the same, nothing will change.

Odds are she simply contacted you for a dose of self validation... need met... job done... she moved on... until next time.

In order to "save' something you have to be very aware of the full picture of what you want to save is, not just the edited highlights.

[Lifewriter16]

pwBPD and codependents are like an alcoholic with alcohol.

They know it is bad for them, it has wrecked their lives over and over, but due to the ability of both parties to compartmentalize they can look back at a certain compartment and think, it wasn't always that bad, one drink will be just like that good night we had... So goes the temptation.

Then comes the next night, or the next and you are into a different compartment, then you remember...

This is so true, waverider. I have lived this NINE times. Every time, I was convinced that I knew something more or was stronger or more detached or he had learnt more and was more healed. Every time I thought I could handle it. I thought we could talk it through and make it work. Each time, I was proved WRONG.

Lifewriter x

[Bigmd]

Just after I replied to this last nite, she texted about 11:00. Nothing crazy, just saying hi and goodnight. I'm not sure what's gonna happen.

[Conundrum]

Just after I replied to this last nite, she texted about 11:00. Nothing crazy, just saying hi and goodnight. I'm not sure what's gonna happen.

Hi, I'm not surprised that she replied. Even if you didn't text her after speaking, she would have sought contact again. I can't venture why she's come back. You would have the ability to assess that.

Though certain actions tend to increase the probabilities of a positive engagement as opposed to a negative experience.

Based upon the facts as presented, you are in the position of power. You did not seek contact. Therefore your position is both neutral and ambiguous to her. She lacks information. The only way that you can harm/shift the balance of power is by giving it away. Common methods that would harm your position are by over-emoting, over-disclosing, appearing too excited, desperate and needy. I imagine that you already understand those dynamics but it never hurts to repeat the obvious.

Study her moves. Gather information. At this point you cannot be certain of her motives. Hold your cards close to the vest. Wait, watch and see... .what her game plan is. Undoubtedly, she has something in mind. Don't force her hand. Let it develop naturally, without obstruction. Then you will be better informed.

Be unreadable. Say less than her. From my perspective, your main motivation at this point is for the experience to provide you with pleasure. If this renewed contact does not enhance your life in any way then why venture it. She sought contact. The obligation is upon her to make this experience pleasant for you. Otherwise, exercise the power of your position. As pointed out, do not, address points from the prior relational scorecard. Let those elements rest for now. This moment in time is about whether she has anything of value to offer you. Then you can make an informed decision. Just my 2 cents.       

[Bigmd]

Thanks for the post Conundrum. She mentioned last night she had a lot of stuff on her mind. I didn't ask what it was. I'm playing it cool. Just texted a good morning at that was it. Haven't got a reply.

[livednlearned]

Hi Bigmd,

PwBPD tend to be on an emotional roller coaster and your job is to stay off that roller coaster. She actually needs you to stay grounded, and wants it. I think when she says you need to be happy, she is also saying you need to be strong. Without a lot of help and counseling, she isn't going to have skills to help her manage her dysregulations and check her thinking, so if you want the relationship to be different this time around, change is going to have to come from you.

This suggests that you are on the roller coaster with her, before any talk of a relationship has even begun:

It's probably back to NC for me. I was doing so good, a little angry at myself.

Being grounded, more than anything else, is essential. It sounds like you've done some good work with a therapist to help you recover. You will need those same skills plus some new ones to stay on track if you pick up with her again.

Partly for your own health, and partly because a relationship where both parties have no brakes is not sustainable. You guys are going to burn each other out.

It's critical for you that you go slow, and even if she pushes to go faster, slow her down for her sake, too. She may want to move quickly. She will also respect you more if you can slow things down (even if she gets mad at your for setting boundaries).

[Bigmd]

LnL thanks. I'm trying to be relaxed about it. I reached out once today so thats it. I'll wait for her to respond I guess. Not sure what's going on in her life as far as her saying she has a lot on her mind. I definately wanted to ask, my first thought was I wonder if it's us that's on her mind.

[livednlearned]

One thing you can do for you is to set goals for staying grounded.

Things like:

Don't text her unprompted

Keep texts short and light

Don't initiate coffee or other face to face meetings

If you respond to an invitation to meet, pick somewhere busy, noisy

End conversations after 20 min

Use the phrase, "I'd like to think about it first."

To change habits, it helps to insert yourself into moments that are known triggers, and have some redirects at the ready. It can really help to have phrases cued up that will help bide time until you can get centered and engage from a place that isn't the highest point on the roller coaster.

[Bigmd]

So just wait for her to text?

[MapleBob]

So just wait for her to text?

Unless you have a seriously legit reason to contact her.