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*Calling all those who can help me sort out gaps in my childhood development*

I stated this before. I always became intrigued with families that looked stable and healthy and created scenarios where I was absorbed into them. Not as a weakling foster kid but under some really cool and unusual circumstances. There was always a maternal and loving mother figure and a cute daughter involved. This was not about trying to hook up with a supermodel or anything. The women I random thought about were your run of the mill ladies who I for one reason or another saw as being a really nice and loving young lady.

I knew trying to approach a girl like this on my own was futile. My home life was a mess and it would immediately send up red flags.

The town for many fantasies I fixated on was nothing more than a setting. Only a handful of people remember me and admittedly, I was a bit of a basket case ( got into some trouble, etc), so not a lot of people would have decent memories of me.

I recall being 13-14 and wishing I could go to a private school , play a sport and have a loving family to support me. That is why I started with these ultra crisp fantasies. In my fantasy world, I was often self-sufficient financially and a family let me stay with them as a boarder /guest. I would be close but not to close to them and eventually I would fall in love the girl , etc.

Could the fact of living with the insanity and instability I was dealing with cause me to delve into fantasy land? I see pics of these families I use to think about on facebook and realize my judgement back then was accurate. They are all much older but stable and loving.

I have my own little family now but still have these fantasies. Maybe it's habit, I do not know. I think I should break out of it and focus on building memories now and for the future.

Instead, i seem so wrapped up in this 13-16 yr old range of a fantasy world.

The inner child healing is working well.

Your thoughts please

The fantasies resurfaced during a period of recent stress. I was looking for the common denominator if you will of my real life during that period and my fantasy world that is stuck in that period.

I realized both my parents were moving on when I was about 14-15 and their new plans did not include me. They divorced with I was about 10-11 but I was too unstable and young to grasp the chaos I was living in.

We never had the "talk" about divorce. They are not mature enough for that. I was blamed for being born and that is what caused the horrible marriage to begin with. It was my g parents told my parents and in turn told me. They are real sickos.

I realize my fantasy about this town is because it's where we last lived as a dysfunctional family. My parents dying in my fantasy represents the reality as they did die and were no longer my parents. Them dying is easier for me to get my mind around.

I romanticized that whole period of my life with these fantasies to help better explain what was never explained to me. It was cleaner and made sense. As opposed to both parents just splitting and giving me the parting f -off by saying it's because I am a bad person.

If what I am saying above is true, then it means I never resolved / accepted my parents divorce 30+ years later.

Am I reaching for straws with this theory?

Your thoughts please

Thanks again !

Quote from: please help on April 25, 2016, 07:39:06 AM

If what I am saying above is true, then it means I never resolved / accepted my parents divorce 30+ years later.

Quote from: please help on April 25, 2016, 02:54:24 PM

I am intrigued as to why there is so much focus on 15-18 age range. I think its has to do with what I was experiencing then and beginning to see as a teen. I mentioned earlier, I saw myself truly having lost everyone as they moved on. I think this fantasy is merely a way to neatly package it up.

The current triggers in your life seem to have taken you back to a place from your past, both the fantasy place as well as the actual time in which this fantasy world was created.

Acceptance of a painful reality can be very hard. Accepting that you have disordered parents means letting go of the fantasy parents you never had and that isn't easy, in many ways it's like a mourning process. Based on how you describe things it does seem that your parents' divorce and them moving on without you, might have been too painful for you to deal with at the time. To allow you to keep functioning and moving on, you retreated into that fantasy world, your mind created that fantasy world as a coping mechanism.

Do you feel that you've ever been able to truly let yourself experience the pain and sadness of the childhood loss you describe? You felt like you lost everything as your parents moved on, how does that whole period make you feel now looking back upon it after all these years? Do you feel like you are able to process what happened to you and experience the accompanying emotions or perhaps that you automatically find yourself back in that fantasy world whenever the pain comes too close or becomes too intense?

Thanks for the reply. I had another bit of a breakthrough. My obsession for a particular town comes from that being my last point of stability. I can almost feel myself as a 5-6 yr old kid wandering around my old neighborhood streets with no home but hoping someone will come and help me. Dogs always go home as well even when the owner abandons them. It pains me to say this but I may be a lost child still wandering around looking for my parents or someone to help.

I remember being in the 8th grade and asking my M's mother if I could stay with her. My F was facing some serious time and my M wanted nothing to do with my brother and I. She had a new family and even put a MADD (mothers against drunk driving) sticker on her car to prove she was an uppity wife and mom with her new family. Oddly that hurt me. I vividly recall my G mother telling me no and maybe foster care or whatever institution I end up in was for the best. She had a big house and later took in her alcoholic and drugs addict adult children. I had just made the soccer team and I recall leaving that fall afternoon seeing the foliage leaves on the sidewalk feeling utter despair. I quit soccer and prepared myself for a runaway. I was not thinking of my little brother at that point.

My last 2 years of high school were spent in another state. My F's mother lived in this town as did M's mother. Neither offered to let me stay and finish my education if the same city. My F's mother actually took in one of my F's friends when they were in HS , so he could finish his last year without switching.

I guess what i am trying to say is I know no one had my back and I have refused to accept it as it's too painful. Instead, I romaticize this place and think out of the community will come surrogate parents. I have to stop this.

I cannot gloss over my childhood wounds with fantasies to make them more palatable. It sucked hard and I need to accept that and move on. No one came to my aid. Instead, I was dumped on and abandoned.

It actually frightens me a bit to accept this reality. It's almost like acknowledging there is no safety net and I am truly on my own.

I feel as though I have to tell both the 5-6 yr old and 16-17 yr old me at the same time, they are on their own and some people want to hurt them. It's okay to be scared but they need to be strong.

Thanks for listening.

Sunflower,

Could you elaborate on this strategy?

The past few days have been emotionally tough as I am making breakthroughs. I watched a few videos of children in cancer wards and I prayed to God for guidance. I realize many of us should actually be grateful we survived and try to make the best out of our lives.

I think human development requires family and an extended community i.e extended family, church, neighbors, etc. Children need to grow up in good environments. I had none of this and my fantasies were surrogates for what I was missing.

I am getting to a point where I understand my fantasies were natural and I should not be ashamed for having such a tough past. I recall hitting my father with a metal toy gun when I was about 5-7 because we was beating up my M. I took care of (cooked and went shopping when i was about 12) my M's younger kid's for a short time when I lived with her in a trailer while she went out and partied.

I tried to take custody of my little B when I was 19-20.

I no longer care many people hated me and refused to help me. I would like to ask these people to name one thing I did that was bad to them to earn their hatred. I can guarantee, the responses would be nothing I did personally but misdirected hatred.

My F had a group of friends I previously mentioned and their wives' hated me as I was dirty / homeless and would steal weed out of the ashtray and booze from their cabinets and drink it with their kid's. All the hatred those women had was directed at me. Admittedly, I was an easy target to hate as I had no defense (no mother, etc).

I am learning to be proud of most (not all) of my decisions in my past and realize I was always a stand up man who tried to do the right thing.

Lately, I find myself watching videos of children in oncology units and praying for them. This reminds me to keep my mouth shut.

I kneel down to tell my 5-6 yr old self that his life is a mess and he is scared because he has no one. I see myself as a child standing in a room holding my hands in fists at waist level in uncontrollable tears as things are so messed up and my young mind cannot process it. I give him a big hug and realize I was not hugged much as a kid.

I also wonder if I had / have a PD and brought some of this myself. My F took me to cub scouts and a few other things. Up to the 5th grade ( he was in prison from (1-4th approx) we lived in same house. He got out and my parents divorced, sold house ( no mortgage) and moved into a crack den. My M moved in with her parents but occasionally stayed with us. I always lived in a different city than where I went to school. I always had problems with other kid's got bullied, some fights, etc. Fortunately, I found a few misfits to form lifelong friendships with. I realize these guys were socially inept ( as well as I ) and maybe that was our bond (who knows).

There was a quaint town my Grandparents lived in that I bounced in and out of. Many people knew each other. Thew few who knew me would only remember me as a "troubled person". My fantasies were based in this town and I was one of the clean -cut kids with a loving home. I vividly recall 7-9 th grade pretending I had a nice family , private school , etc and was overall thriving as a well- rounded kid. Instead, I was living in a ghetto apt where most people lived in homes, F and his new girlfriend were high on coke, weed and drunk almost 24/7 and both my G parents hated my as I was the root cause of their "precious child" having to marry a bad person and ruining their life. I remember watching my Mother's M interact with my F once. She was nice and polite to him and I could not understand why she would choose to hate me and be nice to a guy who when he was 21 had sex with her 16 yr old daughter. It did not seem right to me. She told my F if he did not marry my M, she was going to have him arrested for rape. I think she knew they were having sex when she was 15.

The few times I talked to my F in the past 25 years, I asked how things got so messed up. Me said " not for nothing, but i do not want to discuss any of that stuff". I did not accuse him of anything but I was looking for answers.

Children need a stable home, extended family and an overall greater community, house of worship , school , sports, etc. to properly develop. I tried playing sports but living in different cities and needing rides was almost a waste of money and time. In the 7th grade, I lived with my M in a trailer yet went to school 30 miles away. More often than not, she would have me stay home and babysit her younger kids. I think it was very difficult to function never mind thrive in a situation like that. My primary education was messed up. I was always in the special needs classes.

I do not think I wrote my family off. I think it was mutual on both sides. My F did not have his parents gravestones marked with their names even though he got money from death benefits to bury them properly. I am marking the graves properly as it's the right thing to do. My point is my F could care less is his P's are buried properly or not. They gave him a house, he lost it, helped him buy another one, he lost it and his childhood home was lost because he was in jail and could not petition to get it when his mother fell ill. So they helped him in life. I think he will put effort into a family if he has to and if it's convenient for him. That is as far as it goes. He has no problems not knowing his kid's.

I am telling my younger self at both stages 5-6 & 16-17, that I am here to help them. They should accept reality , let the tears flow and not rely on a fantasy world as an opiate.

I do feel a tremendous sadness and loss saying goodbye to my fantasy world. All the families I randomly selected , always look so happy on facebook. I was able to seek out decent people in my head.

These fantasies were so real in my mind and for so long, I feel a real mourning. It was not real and merely served a purpose to survive.

Wools and everyone else,

Thank you fro the support. I think my friends were my first relationships where true affection happened. I know it meant more for me than it did for them. When they moved on as people do, it left me devastated. I am in my early 40's and they moved on by the time I was 25. It still hurts everyday. More than my parents leaving me as I was attached to these guys. At least I can see why it hurt so much.

The inner child thing is bringing up weird thoughts. I have been focused on why no one offered me a place to stay so I could finish HS in the area as opposed to out of state my last 2 years. My F and new wife moved 1 state away to "get sober" but they went off the deep end with drugs and booze upon arrival. So that plan did not work. My F's mother as I have previously mentioned offered my F's friend in HS to stay with them his last year so he did not have to move but she would not extend the same to her grandson. That was done out of hatred. Yes, I get it she wanted to show how much she hated me and hurt me whenever she could because she hated my M. Kicking a wounded child when they are down is an awful thing to do. My 16/17 year old self can clearly see through the confusion now. He never knew why things were so difficult for him. I am explaining it and at least he understands the world he lives in a bit better.

My M was so unstable after the divorce she bounced us from apt to apt and school to school before abandoning me. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt -she was only 16 had problems, etc. Unfortunately, I cannot "gloss over" things that easy because her approach to abandoning me was to tell as many people as possible how bad of a person I was. That is why she had to leave I was to bad of a kid. She was even telling people the state was going to put in a juvie home (jail) for troubled kid's. I never attacked anyone or set any fires so I do not know what she meant. I babysat her kid's while she went out and partied.

I cannot go back to being 16/17 and have the sensation of a loving family and community. It simply cannot happen. I should be grateful for having some friends (although temporary) at one point in my life. I would give anything to wake up in a clean home with a loving family , get dressed, go to school , play an after school sport and come home to the same loving family who I know is there for me. I just described by childhood dream. Nothing too fancy. Yes, the houses I lived in were filthy and drug infested.

Wools, you said it best, belonging. You are very intuitive as I did not pick up on this myself. I merely

wanted to belong to something nice and stable.

Although I have no interest in Harry Potter and only know of the stories in passing, someone on this board mentioned Potter was looking at all his scars and accepted the fact they were nothing more than proof he battled and survived Voldemort.

That is what many of us have, scars to prove we battled and survived PD parent's. Go to the prisons and drug rehab, detox, half-way houses, etc. You will see people with the same scars as us but it was simply too much for them. We should treat these people with compassion and be grateful we made it "home from war".

Thanks for listening

Excerpt

That is what many of us have, scars to prove we battled and survived PD parent's. Go to the prisons and drug rehab, detox, half-way houses, etc. You will see people with the same scars as us but it was simply too much for them. We should treat these people with compassion and be grateful we made it "home from war".

The ideas of Home and Belonging that are coming up in this thread, I realize have been important ideas for myself.

I grew up never feeling 'at home,' wanted, or belonging.

I have sought out this sense of Home/belonging that I want in my relationships with others, especially with a SO.

Excerpt

I do admit most of the people (adults) who were in my life as a kid are so messed up and burnt out, they simply do not want to associate or even talk to me.

I relate to this as well. Most people who know part of my story wonder why I did not end up on a more self destructive path as my peers in similar circumstances. Some people are shocked at 'how far I have come' and such. While that is a nice way to frame things, there is also the experience that I often cannot find people who relate to my experiences as the ones who would, are severely dysfunctional. So to relate to persons in my environment, I do not disclose a great deal of my past, as I find it often serves as a divide between them and I and leaves them uncomfortable. This leaves me feeling a bit shameful or invisible in some way, or at the very least, I feel a distance that was created.

I imagine this is somewhat how a gifted child feels in a regular school environment and having to balance being placed in stimulating classes vs peer growth and social development. There is just something uneven about their process of development, and it affects and competes with different personal aspects of self growth and relating to others.

I am not sure I am making sense. My thoughts just sort of floated out. Maybe helpful, idk.

Pleasehelp and Sonflower,

Belonging is an incredible word. I'm not sure how it affects you and others out there on our site, but it has this power to almost bring me to tears. How much I want to belong! I'm sure it must be something close to that for you both too. We all have a great need to belong, whether we had a good healthy family or not. Of course for those of us at this site, we came from dysfunctional families, and I believe the need is even stronger.

Here's some good news! |iiii We know as we take those steps to heal and grow, this site is a great place for family and for belonging. Here is a quote from #3 on the side regarding 'belonging:'

Excerpt

Perhaps most importantly, self-help groups offer a sense of belonging and "family" that probably was not available to you as you were growing up. If your family is still in denial about the abuse or unwilling to change defensive attitudes, then self-help groups can become a sort of surrogate family for you. As we have said before, it is very difficult to do this work alone, and bpdfamily.com and other self-help groups can help provide you with the community and support you need to continue working through your recovery.

I know it's not the same as being in our FOO, but you really DO belong here and are a very important contributing member.

Wools

I spoke to my F yesterday. I think of some crazy reason to cal and we talk for 5 minutes. He laughed about how I disposed of a weapon ( I was 13/14) he used in a crime and the charges were dropped. I know, I am evil (ha,ha). I told him he never thanked me and he properly thanked me for it. He was facing serious time and always said that was my finest moment. I asked him if I was a headcase as a kid or if there was so much crap going on. He said a little of both. He told me he had me when he was 21 and he was too young and did the best he could as a parent at that age. he also said my M and step M made things tough on me and I was caught in the middle of a bunch of crap.

I did notice in a subtle way there was no personal responsibility on his part. No "hey , me being a violent drug dealer did not make your childhood easier".

Lately, I dont know why maybe it's middle age or maybe it's simply a flare-up of being a BPD parent, I have been obsessed with being a teen again in a clean-cut and healthy environment. Maybe it's because I have a baby and and thinking of his life ahead. I dont know.

I can see as an adult how much effort people a bit older than me put into their kids and realize I did not stand a chance. I was beating myself up for not being more successful in HS. All I did was work and hang out with a few guys. My 16/17 year old was bothered by this as he could see there was more out there.

The kid's who flourished as teens had parents supporting them. I do not think it would be possible to be clean-cut, play a sport in HS, nice girlfriend, etc and bring her home to my ghetto apt where someone has been passed out on the kitchen floor for 3 days due to smoking too much opium ( true story).

I think BPD children beat ourselves up for our own shortcomings. I also think up to 17-18, you are an extension of your parents. I went above and beyond my situation to work and maintain stability and move out young and start college while being in hell. In other words, I did the best I could and had some success. Could I have done more, probably but not much more.

I am getting to the point where I stop looking at my past with disappointment with myself and instead show a bit of pride for my survival skills.

All those kid's we saw growing up and looking happy. Many had issues ( not as severe as ours) to deal with as well but they had parental support to guide them on everything.

Looking back, it's obvious what kid's come from good and bad homes. My point being this is how our crazy families affected us.

I remembered a story but it was from the perspective of my childhood self not as an adult. I had just moved in with my F and his g friend in the 8th grade. My M and her friend show up at our apt and fight my F's new g friend. I dont know why. They all got arrested and I had to go to police station with no shirt on ( yes, I felt like hard core white trash). The case was later dismissed and my F thought it was funny. He was in his early 30's and should have been more mature about it.

He had to leave work and come get me. his new Gfriend did not want me back in apt and he took me to work then to his M's to see if I could stay there. She said no. He then began blaming me fro all his problems in life. I knew I was one step away from being homeless. I think that is why I had to get away from my M as she was getting ready to kick me out to start a new life as well. I think it was all about trying to find someone to take me in.

That sucked. It was in the news and a few kid's parents told them to stay away from me. I knew I was a toxic kid.

I think what bothers me the most is I have no connections to my past. It's almost as if I was a ghost, had a few good and many bad memories. I have tried to reconnect with some of my friends and had no success. I think the guys I grew up with had some dysfunctions and most are doing okay but I see other groups on facebook and they are in touch. It's almost like everyone I knew saw the period of their life they were around me as bad and want to forget it. I have thought about that. I was not into heavy drugs or serious crime.

I tried to hang out with decent people. This feeling of not having past connections feels unnatural and I keep thinking it's how old people feel before they die.

I always wanted to spend my life with childhood friends, marry a childhood sweetheart and grow old with long lasting memories and friendships. Instead, it's lonely and there is nothing that ties me to my formative years.

I see now why so many stay LC with dysfunctional family members. It's who you are and it keeps you connected who you were. Old acquaintenances (sp?) and family members give us strength. They remind us of being 8 yrs old and playing catch with them, etc.

I have been going through a very stressful past 3-4 months. Living situation and job no secure and have new baby. I held up well as we children of BPD do. We have all survived much worse ( ha,ha).

This stress is what caused my latest flare-up. I look at this town that I only spent some time in (not my hometown- I have to accept the fact I was nomadic and merely trying to attach myself to a place) and was not completely invested into the community i.e ghetto apt with police there many times and I think about all the kids who I observed but probably did not notice me. As wools said , they looked happy and belonged to a loving family.

This scenario had caused me to yearn for my childhood and to have what I perceived them to have. You know things were bad when you create little fantasies in your head about a mother figure taking you as a 14 year old grocery shopping and you 2 simply enjoy the time together. This tells me I was missing out on some basic things.

It's odd,I occasionally speak to my F 1-2x a year maybe now for about 5 minutes. I notices he always has to get off phone. The past obviously comes up and I try never to directly blame him. I accept his narrative of how he was a victim by everyone for the sake of the argument. I remember when he lived with his gfriend before marriage, he was drunk riding around on his mountain bike telling me he wants to "end everything". I think it was a suicide reference and I was worried about him.

I am getting to the point there is no need to beat on myself about missing out on my childhood. I see the dynamics I had to work with and the best a kid can do in that situation is stay alive and off drugs. That I did.

As far as missing my childhood friends, i am still in touch with 2 kids from 5th grade. That is probably better than most. I cherish them and realize that I am probably doing good if you have friends that go back that far. The other guys were people that simply come in and out of my life. I should not have viewed them as family but I was always desperate in the area of relationships. I am coming to terms with all this as well.

In closing, we will never have normal parents and cannot relive our younger days in a happy setting. The best we can do is try to be the good people.

When seeing pics of adults who had idyllic childhoods and seem content as adults, I am happy for them. I reflect on my own scars and realize we traveled two different roads and ended up at the same place work and family wise. Most who traveled their road had little trouble making it in life. Most who traveled our road did not make it.

When we are down on ourselves, we should congratulate ourselves and say " you make it" followed by a big hug. Then say a small prayer for those who fell along the way.

I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday. My reason for going was I was getting a bit too focused on my childhood and what I missed. A 3 minute phone call to my F a few x's per year no longer triggers me. The very fact he answered me with " I was part head case and part due to things being messed up" in response to "what happened during my childhood is all I need to hear to know. None of it was his fault.

I feel like I am getting philosophical about how to process / internalize my childhood. I did not cause any of the chaos. I survived it and moved on. I was attacked and hated by everyone. I remember barely graduating HS due to not having a stable place to live. My ex step mom wanted me out. PD people hate non's because we know who they really are and don't enable their behavior. It's one thing I learned. Either you are helping PD or you are being smeared by them. PD people can sense better than we can who is one of them and who isn't. I wanted to go to a catholic school. I craved order. My GFAther and I both paid my tuition for 1 year until we moved. A druggie wife of my father's friend to them they should not allow me to go. Who the f*** is this woman to say that. Her kid dropped out of school in the 9th grade and other one went to prison for drugs. I think she was trying to play status symbol in her little group of junkies and I was merely collateral damage. She did not want to see someone who she perceived as lower than her to have a kid prosper. I see pics of g parents at g childs graduation. My g mother did not go to mine and my 16/17 yr old self realizes there really was no one there for me. I had my g father but he died when I was 15. No one from my M's side either sent a card.

My college graduation happened when I was 30 and did not attend. I had them mail the degree to me. My wedding no one from my family was there as I am not in contact.

I need to stop going to facebook, seeing pics of kid's playing lacrosse / soccer, going to proms, skiing and looking healthy / stable, living in loving homes, etc and then beating myself up for not being able to achieve that as a teen.

As mentioned, I did not cause it , I merely survived it and I should be proud of that. I just realized , there are no pics of me in certain periods of my life. I have some pics of me before my F went to prison, and I think there was my HS yearbook pic, but that is it.

The fact I do not have pics and do not believe they exist ( or were thrown out) says it all.

I was an unwanted child who was despised by many and had to learn to love myself and create a life for myself. There, I said it. Don't really care what some BPD parent says about me being a bad kid and abandoning them, etc. It's just nonsense.

I reached to my slightly older female cousins last week. Their mother and my M are sisters. I saw my aunt as well. We talked for about 2 hours and I filled them in on only snippets of what I went through. My cousin told me she cried later but I maintained composure. They had similar stories to mine as we were close as kids. It was tougher on girls bouncing around than a boy and I felt bad for them. They may have had it worse.

I need to help my teenage self as he can see what he is missing by looking at other families and that hurts him. I never realized how much it hurt until I hear him talk. Many of my friends' parents saw me as "the bad kid". Admittedly, between 17-22, I was arrested a few times and made several court appearances. Mostly drunk stuff. I am sure they did not like me having an apartment at that age. They wanted their kids to "keep their innocence" a bit longer and saw me a not a good person.

As mentioned, there was a community I lived in off and on. There were many families that raised idyllic kid's. I am sure there were issues but not that bad. I always wanted to be part of that environment. I see them on facebook now and the kid's I knew are grown up and talk to their friends' parents. Obviously, the parents had good relationships with their children's friends. I see the pics of the whole family always together etc. My fantasies would always place me in this environment. I was a 18-20 yr old, alone with no family and some crazy friends. Of course I would want to be part of a stable and loving family.

I need to help my 16-17 yr odl self come to terms with this. I also see how strong my 5-6 yr old self is / was. He was simply scared due to what he went through. Sitting down and showing him love made a huge impact.

I would never expect my F or M to have a lucid conversation with me to help dealing with this sense of loss. If anything, blame will be assessed on me.

I just realized the word "loss". I have a huge issue dealing with loss. Loss of friends, money, life, memories, etc. I see how life is about losing. This clearly comes from losing so much at a young age i.e my house, family, security, acceptance, etc.

How do I show this 16-17 year old self that he is not part of any loving family at that age and get him to accept it? I think trying to enter adulthood alone without any real support was tough.

Your thoughts please

Thanks

When you did deep into your inner childhood , one uncovers small wounds as well as the major ones. A buddy of mine mentioned I never should have lived in the town i did as it was a bit on the higher end and most families were stable. He was from a lower economic town and we get along well. He said my mannerism is suited for the town he is from. More kids from his town could relate to me than the one I lived in. I think this caused me to feel a bit inadequate in addition to everything else going on. Everywhere I looked, I saw beautiful families. It did hurt me as it was a reminder of what I did not have. I have to agree with him.

I think most of my yearning for happy High school years is really all about wanting a stable family. I think this is what "banged me up" the most. The poverty didn't as much of it was attributed to drugs. However, a stable family can overcome obstacles such as poverty, etc.

Looking at my teen self, I can clearly see from around the 5-6 grade, I was simply in the way. I remember being in the 5-6 grade and wanting to die as my life sucked so bad. I read books at the library about suicide. I do not think that was remotely healthy to be suicidal at such a young age. The adults wanted to party and do drugs and I crimped that lifestyle. I was pushing them for a stable home. I remember calling my F at his friends house around midnight on weeknights telling him he and his gfriend need to come home. He was work in the morning his response was " okay dad, ha,ha". What a loser he was. He was in his mid 30's at that point. There were not many people who could understand what I was going through.

I tried to be normal work, play a sport, etc, but the instability was too much. I also recall trying to have normal conversations that a F and son would have. I remember asking him how to make sure I am hanging around with good friends. I was around 13 at the time. This conversation quickly turned into what an ass I was and I have no friends but he was real popular. As he was tough, sold drugs, partied and had a gfriend 15 yrs his junior. I knew something was wrong back them. I accepted the narrative that all the problems were caused by me. I could never understand how my M hated me yet F's mother loved him even though he had brain damage from drug use and never gave a ___ about anyone, not even himself.

His gfrind wanted me out and he regretted taking me in. It was 1985 and he had to give my M 50.00 in child support. He thought it would be cheaper to have me live with him. He quickly saw the flaw in his logic. I told a school counselor I wanted to kill his gfriend ( they may have just gotten married). F agreed I was crazy and they had me locked up in a psych hospital for a few months. It was not a pleasant place. I was in there with some violent people.

After a few months of being in there, they had to make a decision of where to place me. F's gfriend / wife said she feared for her safety having me around so the hospital kept me a bit longer. A shrink pointed out that my real anger was at my F for letting me down. That actually made sense. I was almost placed in a group home or some other facility. That would have really sucked.

My F did not tell gfriend / wife to get lost as he needs to raise his kids. Instead, he saw this as a way of getting rid of me. I could tell he was happy to hear about the group home / incarceration thing. Get rid of kid, no child support, a win-win.

My teen self can see how messed up all this was and it's no wonder I did not fit into a stable middle-class community.

We cannot always control the situations or events we have to contend with, we can however control how we react to them and that is where success and failure happens. I survived my childhood without being locked up and have had a bit of success in life.

It's funny, our childhoods are from (early memories) 6/7 -17/18 but we allow them to overshadow or adult lives.

I need help convincing my 16/17 year old had he been born into better circumstances, he would have prospered. I can tell him this simply because he survived what he endured. Therefore, he needs to be reminded of his innate ability to survive.

I remember yearning for a gfriend in HS but knew things were so messed up it simply was not plausible. My F used to ridicule me for being gay, etc ( I am not) and I responded that our situation is so messed up how can i bring a girl into this?

I do not think he saw anything wrong with the family. He truly saw himself as Ward Cleaver and his whole family was crazy. he is quite happy in life now that "all the crazies" are gone. He laughed about his younger kid's being in rehab, sober houses, etc. I know his logic. He thinks " they are losers and I am not". He does not see he is the biggest loser for all the damage he has done.

Thanks for listening

Hi pleasehelp,

I am having trouble processing large chunks of info atm, so I did not get to read all of this thread, but did read your latest post.

This line stood out to me:

Excerpt

I need help convincing my 16/17 year old had he been born into better circumstances, he would have prospered. I can tell him this simply because he survived what he endured. Therefore, he needs to be reminded of his innate ability to survive.

I think it is excellent to tap into the emotional wants and needs of your inner 16/17 year old.

Telling him that you are quite proud of him and his strength, fortitude for managing under extreme circumstances seems excellent. (Or however feels right to you for you to phrase it to him)

However, there is a pain I feel when I read this portion: "I need help convincing my 16/17 year old had he been born into better circumstances, he would have prospered."

It is hard for me to verbalize why this feels to me like it could be painful vs healing. I am going to try... . (Even though I realize what causes me pain is not the same for you, I'm sharing anyway)

The word "Convincing" feels painful to me like maybe he could appreciate you hearing him and respecting his reality vs insisting to him that he have yours.

The phrase, "he would have prospered" feels painful to me as it feels judgmental. Like you are stating that he is not good enough. It also feels like you are comparing him and that feels painful.

If it were me, I would have a hard time believing someone was truely proud of who I am if they also mixed in language that felt judgmental.

So... .

How do you feel about what I said? Maybe none of that rings true for you, partially, or completely, idk.

If it also feels not right to you, can you think of the exact message it is you want him to hear? And can you identify any barriers that he may have in being able to hear this?

I think my strong focus on my 16/17 year old self has to do with being able to see how different I was and really process it. I knew at a very young age I was different. But around 16/17 , I could visualize and almost fully grasp how messed up I was and even took steps to fix things. I was trying around 13/14 to encourage my f and step mom to be normal. No wonder they hated me ( ha,ha). Subtle comments about not doing drugs so we have money to live in a better place etc.

I am telling my 16/17 year old self he is really an impressive guy. Living in hell and trying to get people sober was a very mature thing to do.

I know my teen self likes to hear these things but at the same time really wanted a set of loving parents. That is not going to happen. Those years have already passed and they are what they were. I can only change the future.

Aside from not having it easy do to the adults being losers and taking their anger out on me. The other real gripe I have is how my parents being in their 60's still see me as part of the problems in their lives. No making amends or apologies. Just rude comments other shave told me they made.

I think alot of healing has happened lately and that is why I am oddly focused on high school events such as dances etc and my socio economic situation growing up.

This may mean I am moving past the fact of having messed up parents and seeing the other damage that was done. I think I was so 'banged up" I could never focus on the other hurts I endured.

Having to move my last 2 years if high school sucked but it never occurred to me recently someone should have helped.

I certainly missed out on a fun childhood / hs years but that is life.

I was also beating myself up for not being able to have been charismatic enough to overcome the dysfunction and still lead a happy teen life.

It would have been laughable for me to try and go to some formal event and have pics taken at my house. For starters, someone would have mentioned the money I would spend on the event should be used for bills. I cannot picture ex stepmom being happy for me. She simply wanted me out and was not about to play " oh let's take a picture". I was simply not liked. It's kind of like when you were a kid and you invite a group of kid's who do not know you or like you to your b day party. You will get a negative reaction. That was my home life.

When everyone was going tot he formal dance (prom) , it did not bother me. I saw myself as different and simply ignored it. I saw the limos around town etc and knew it was the season but understood it was not my thing.

I also have this simple crisp image / fantasy I cannot get out of my head. I am sitting in a kitchen of a modest house and I have a windbreaker on from my sports team. I am eating breakfast with my father and sibling and my mother is in the kitchen getting us off for the day. We are happy and talking about school (sibling and I), while parents are conversing with us as well.

It's a stable home and that is deep down all I ever wanted. I remember being in the 7 -8th grade and trying to get my grandmother ( who had a few bucks) to send me to military school. I knew things were bad at home and I had to get away. She did not. Instead, she blamed me for ruining her son's life.

I always thought my problems were mainly having bad parents. I am now seeing these other issues pop up as they bothered me as well.

Dear 17 yr old Please help,

Life stinks for you doesn't it? I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it better for you, yet I don't have the power to do that. But I will do my best to encourage you as you walk through all this stuff of your life, and there are many others here who will stick with you too.

Sounds like you feel all alone these days as you reflect on your life.

Quote from: please help on May 22, 2016, 10:03:25 AM

I just realized the word "loss". I have a huge issue dealing with loss. Loss of friends, money, life, memories, etc. I see how life is about losing. This clearly comes from losing so much at a young age i.e my house, family, security, acceptance, etc.

How do I show this 16-17 year old self that he is not part of any loving family at that age and get him to accept it? I think trying to enter adulthood alone without any real support was tough.

Please know that your feeling alone is not your fault. The adults around you did not do their job, and they are the ones who are responsible, not you. I think it is actually really great that you know that things are not right with your family, that your perception of what a healthy family is, that's much more accurate. |iiii It's very sad that they don't see how valuable and amazing you are. Really it is their loss for all that they've missed out on with you.

If you are at all like me at 17, I found it very hard to receive love and kindness because I was already so beaten down by life at this age, mostly due to my uBPDm. It's okay if you can't accept many things yet, and it's because you're probably not ready yet. In time you will be, but let me encourage you to be patient with yourself. With time, you'll get there. We'll keep you company along the way and cheer you on as you grow and heal.

Wools

I think I hit another breakthrough. I was always fantasizing about a few ladies (mother types) that had daughters and would sort of take me in as I previously explained.

I also as of late became obsessed with the teenager experiences of formal dances and playing sports. This is due to my perception of being able to experience those things meant you had a stable and loving household. It was nothing status or anything. I would have been happy being poor and stable. It was the love and stability I yearned for.

I realize my younger siblings had it tough as well. I am an only child (between my F & M) yet both parents had many kids with other people. Some were placed in foster care and had to live in homeless shelters with a drug addict mother , etc.

It simply sucked for everyone. I had 2 f cousins who I connected with lately. They are 2-4 years older than I and we were close as kids. We were all lamenting about how we wished we could have helped each other but we could barely survive on our own.

The adults in our lives really messed things up yet the grandparents saw nothing wrong with what their kids were doing. I think it has to do with acknowledging how bad their children turned out. Instead, they blamed me for all the woes.

My F complained to me about how my Maternal GMOTHER wanted to have him arrested for statutory rape against my M. He thought she was an a-hole for it and complained he had to marry my M to avoid going to jail.

I thought to myself, "am I supposed to apologize to him for this?". By strict definition, he is a rapist and I the product.

Sounds like you are processing quite a bit.

Excerpt

I also as of late became obsessed with the teenager experiences of formal dances and playing sports. This is due to my perception of being able to experience those things meant you had a stable and loving household. It was nothing status or anything. I would have been happy being poor and stable. It was the love and stability I yearned for.

I relate to this. I was always envious of those who had opportunity to participate in activities. It meant they had a person in their life willing to pick them up after school, purchase outfit, etc. it meant they likely were not treated so unwanted/a burden as I felt.

I never had a parent do anything that was more than basic mandatory public stuff.

Excerpt

I am sorry your dad shared this with you. I am even more sorry that this was likely part of the reality of your experience, a dad resentful to marrying your mom instead of feeling the union of your parents a loving one, and all the positive array of feelings that could have come with it.

I was able to do a few activities with my F. I played ice hockey for a while but it got too expensive. I went to a rifle range for a while as well with other kids. He took me a few times. So there was some effort for me to be normal.

I always seemed to make friends but often got into fights with others which I never fought back as a child. Maybe I put myself out there to be a normal child but did not have the social skills or something.

This is bothering me as of late. My F would always tell me I was weak and how he was really tough and could handle himself in all situations.

As a grown man, I can see how a child who is going through alot at home may not always wanting to fight back. Instead, they want to make friends and get along. I tried to be good natured but there was something about me that gave off the odor of weakness. I wish I hit back.

There was probably a confidence issue. I vividly recall my F telling me " I would not survive a day in prison". He bragged how tough he was in jail and took over the drug trade, etc.

I was in the 7th grade and my M took off leaving me and my 2 half brothers alone in a trailer. I worked for a flower stand and had a paper route. I did not go to school much and would take care of the kids aged 5 & 2 while she went to work or was out screwing. Propane heat was empty so we used a hot plate and electric toaster to eat fish stick and mac and cheese. I would ride my bike , crossing the exit ramp of a highway, use my paperboy bag to carry the food back to the trailer with so we could eat.

I did that for about a year. I never considered myself a weak person. Arguably, I kept those kid's alive. It was just I had problems (or they had problems with me) other kids. Yesterday, I was rehashing some of the problems I had as a kid and could feel the anxiety building up again. It left me depressed. I think other kids could sense something was amiss with me. It may have all come down to hyper-anxiety and when kid's started crap with me, I wanted to be left alone.

I came to this forum back in 08 over a brief marriage to a BPD women. Since then, I have healed in so many ways and can see the issues like I described above still hurting. I have gotten / accepted my parents were disordered and am now working on healing all these issues that are a result of it.

Thanks for all your help

I am opening up old wounds that never healed. This led me to my childhood and teen years. I can actually feel myself sitting in school again feeling anxiety.

I think my tendency has to been blame everything on my parents. I look back and feel embarrassed by the way I acted as a kid with my social awkwardness.

This evening I had a revelation. SO WHAT. I let guys shove me around and did not always fight back as a kid. Sometimes I did, but not always. I always 2nd guess myself if people like me or not. This made me insecure in high school. Who cares if people like me. Find people who do.

If these are the biggest regrets I have from my youth being raised by BPD people, I am doing okay.

Most people get social skills from their parents. Thankfully, we both rejected each other.

I used to envision people from a town I lived in as having perfect & golden lives with no regrets. This is simply not true. I think I was so far down in many areas of life, I would look around and I would see are people in better positions of life. They had a house, parents, clothes, etc. I was living in a ghetto apartment with druggies who did not want me there.

Hello All,

I think I just had a revelation. The reason I am so focused on my 5/6 year and 16/17 year old self is I sense my father was disappointed with me and those were critical years of development.

I should not care what my childhood was like socially. I almost ended up in social services at 13-14. That would have meant a foster or group home. I should be grateful that did not happen.

I know my F never liked me. It does not matter what I did for him. Sometimes, people simply do not like you.

I let him use my teen awkwardness to attack me.

I was and never was weak. I simply did not want to react to kid's bothering me. I recall one time his wife accused me of trying to sleep with her. I was leaving for work ( around 16 yrs old) and he was dancing up in down like a boxer throwing punches at me as I walked out of the kitchen backdoor.

I did not fight back as I was already so beaten down by life. His wife screaming at him to keep hitting me. I caught the punches, remained stoic and left. On my way to work, I stopped in the woods and cried.

I think this was my philosophy as a kid as well. I had too much going on to get involved in someone bothering me. My M left and F was incarcerated. My mind was thinking longer term on survival not navigating the school social scene.

Wow, I just had some breakthroughs !

Your thoughts please

Hi again please help

Quote from: please help on May 30, 2016, 10:05:02 AM

My F complained to me about how my Maternal GMOTHER wanted to have him arrested for statutory rape against my M. He thought she was an a-hole for it and complained he had to marry my M to avoid going to jail.

I thought to myself, "am I supposed to apologize to him for this?". By strict definition, he is a rapist and I the product.

I can imagine hearing your father talk like that was very unpleasant for you. I am very sorry he said these horrible things to you. How did it make you feel when he said these things?

Quote from: please help on May 31, 2016, 07:24:52 AM

I vividly recall my F telling me " I would not survive a day in prison". He bragged how tough he was in jail and took over the drug trade, etc.

Quote from: please help on June 01, 2016, 11:38:37 AM

I recall one time his wife accused me of trying to sleep with her. I was leaving for work ( around 16 yrs old) and he was dancing up in down like a boxer throwing punches at me as I walked out of the kitchen backdoor.

I did not fight back as I was already so beaten down by life. His wife screaming at him to keep hitting me. I caught the punches, remained stoic and left. On my way to work, I stopped in the woods and cried.

It is clear that your father had and still has serious issues. I think it is understandable and normal that his negative behavior would affect you in various ways. It isn't easy for a child to deal with this type of behavior at all, even adults would have greatly struggled being treated this way. No matter what your father said, he was wrong to treat you this way. Though he was disordered, he was still an adult and responsible for his behavior. In spite of everything, the young you survived which says a lot about your resilience |iiii The 5/6 year old please help survived and so did the 16/17 year old. Because of their ability to endure and survive, the adult you is now in the position to help your inner children :)

You had so much negativity at home that I understand why you would not also want to deal with negativity outside of the home.

You sensed your father was disappointed with you and say you know he did not like you. Reading your posts it seems a lot of his behavior stems from his distorted thinking and he likely was doing a lot of projecting. His negative behavior towards you says a lot more about him than it says about you. Do you feel you have come to the point that you no longer need his approval?

My step-sister in her mid 20's died recently from an OD. I met her a few times when she was a baby and did not know her at all. She was my mother's daughter. My F who I had occasionally spoke to a few times in the past 25 years knew about it as his kid's from another marriage were friends with his ex-wife's (my mother) kids. I thought my F would have called to at least tell me. Hie did not. This simply confirms my suspicion he only contacted me as he needed money a few years back and to tell me what a jerk I was.

Although I did not know the girl, I do feel a loss as were were step siblings. I did not know how to grieve as I did not know her. I simply felt bad. She lived a short and brutal life. I realize how my M has everyone manipulated into her crazy world and her kid's live solely to get drugs for her. They commit robberies at her request, etc. On a selfish note, I am glad I have no part of them.

My inner child healing has lead me to write a historical novel. There is a strong focus on the main characters teen years and touches on his early childhood. Yes, the same years I am trying to heal. This character endures a harsh life that is caused by external forces. He has loving parents who go to prison and end up dead. He is almost killed himself. He relies on the strength his parents instilled in him early in life to persevere, find love, build a beautiful family and have a successful career.

I think this character is a much more romanticized version of myself. I think what I am trying to do is see how one who at least had a loving family early on and lost them deals with crisis as opposed to someone like myself who was cast off as a unwanted child.

I can see the strength this character has due primarily from positive early experiences. Having a father get out of prison and say to his son " you have the heart of a lion for having endured. Most kid's could not have handled their father going away. But you looked after your younger siblings like a man and really stepped up. I could not have asked God for a better son" gives a child so much strength. Instead, I heard " you are the reason I went to prison". I knew my father and his mother were insane for even accusing me of that.

I have also been healing the loss of my old friends ( and I use that tern loosely). I was fortunate to have a few close friends who I still see / talk to. There were others who hung around and 1-2 did not like me and a few others as we were different from them. A friend of mine pointed out those 1-2 kids were a bit manipulative and only wanted people around who were followers of them. I ignored all these dynamics and saw us as one big happy family. That was not the case.

It took 20 years to realize there were a few jerks in the group who I had nothing in common with. They even tried to turn a few others against me. A buddy of mine said I was an outspoken leader in this group of guys and apparently this was a threat to these 1-2 guys. The funny thing is the 1-2 guys are not really in contact with anyone else and fared really bad in life.

These breakthroughs all come from the continued healing of my inner childhood. The book I am writing helps put things in perspective. Unlike the main character, I had no resources of any kind yet I managed.

I am pleased with how my young self managed to survive with no family and money.

Thanks for listening

Quote from: Please help on April 27, 2016, 12:47:43 PM

I cannot gloss over my childhood wounds with fantasies to make them more palatable. It sucked hard and I need to accept that and move on. No one came to my aid. Instead, I was dumped on and abandoned.

It actually frightens me a bit to accept this reality. It's almost like acknowledging there is no safety net and I am truly on my own.

First let me say that I think you're really brave to be tackling this head on!

This is the reality of the situation: you were a child that was deeply traumatized by the abandonment you experienced. Of COURSE you were - how could it be any other way? To soothe yourself, you indulged in fantasy. Yay you - you figured out a way to soothe yourself and get through some horrific experiences. That means you're clever and resilient.

Now when you're under stress these same "strategies" pop up - although they're not really useful anymore in your adult life. This isn't really anything to be surprised or alarmed by - it makes sense that they would pop up, actually. Problem is that you want to stop doing this but it's hard to stop because you've done it for many years.

I think you're on the right path in recognizing that your younger selves need to heal - and this may be the key to ending the excessive fantasizing. Are you seeing a therapist?

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: Please help on April 22, 2016, 11:31:14 AM