Inner child healing and childhood development

[Please help]

I am trying to work with my 5/6 year old self and it's quite embarrassing as he was bullied and socially awkward. My Fa had to speak with some kid's parents when I was a child. I think my F looked down on me for this. I was afraid of my own shadow back then and wanted to be left alone by the whole world. If I could go back in time I would simply fight back but I was psychologically shattered as a kid and could barely function.

All my fantasy worlds I have created have some sort of maternal / paternal ( mostly maternal) figures. As previously mentioned, I had to be a hero i.e save a plane from terrorists and liberate a country to get some random family to sort of take me in.

This tells me that deep down, there are development components missing within myself.

It's funny, the 5/6 year old can understand M leaving but is embarrassed for being bullied. I need to heal this petrified little kid.

Thanks

[Please help]

*Calling all those who can help me sort out gaps in my childhood development*

I stated this before. I always became intrigued with families that looked stable and healthy and created scenarios where I was absorbed into them. Not as a weakling foster kid but under some really cool and unusual circumstances.  There was always a maternal and loving mother figure and a cute daughter involved. This was not about trying to hook up with a supermodel or anything. The women I random thought about were your run of the mill ladies who I for one reason or another saw as being a really nice and loving young lady.

I knew trying to approach a girl like this on my own was futile. My home life was a mess and it would immediately send up red flags.

The town for many fantasies I fixated on was nothing more than a setting. Only a handful of people remember me and admittedly, I was a bit of a basket case ( got into some trouble, etc), so not a lot of people would have decent memories of me.

I recall being 13-14 and wishing I could go to a private school , play a sport and have a loving family to support me.  That is why I started with these ultra crisp fantasies. In my fantasy world, I was often self-sufficient financially and a family let me stay with them as a boarder /guest. I would be close but not to close to them and eventually I would fall in love the girl , etc.

Could the fact of living with the insanity and instability I was dealing with cause me to delve into fantasy land? I see pics of these families I use to think about on facebook and realize my judgement back then was accurate. They are all much older but stable and loving.

I have my own little family now but still have these fantasies. Maybe it's habit, I do not know. I think I should break out of it and focus on building memories now and for the future.

Instead, i seem so wrapped up in this 13-16 yr old range of a fantasy world.

The inner child healing is working well.

Your thoughts please   

[Kwamina]

Hi please help,

You had a difficult childhood with your parents and perhaps this fantasy world you created was a way for you to deal with the pain. It sounds like your fantasy world contains some very appealing aspects (love. attention etc.) that were missing in your real life. You could say that creating this fantasy world was a coping mechanism to help you survive the difficulties you were facing in your real life. Do you feel that might be what was going on?

You have your own family now but still notice that you have these fantasies. Since you have been doing it for so long, it could indeed very well be at least partly out of habit. Considering this might be a coping mechanism, I think it is also helpful to explore other explanations. Do you notice any particular times or circumstances in which you particularly find yourself delving into this fantasy world? Can you perhaps identify certain triggers that lead you to re-visit this fantasy world?

[Please help]

The fantasies resurfaced during a period of recent stress. I was looking for the common denominator if you will of my real life during that period and my fantasy world that is stuck in that period.

I realized both my parents were moving on when I was about 14-15 and their new plans did not include me. They divorced with I was about 10-11 but I was too unstable and young to grasp the chaos I was living in.

We never had the "talk" about divorce. They are not mature enough for that. I was blamed for being born and that is what caused the horrible marriage to begin with. It was my g parents told my parents and in turn told me. They are real sickos.

I realize my fantasy about this town is because it's where we last lived as a dysfunctional family. My parents dying in my fantasy represents the reality as they did die and were no longer my parents. Them dying is easier for me to get my mind around.

I romanticized that whole period of my life with these fantasies to help better explain what was never explained to me.   It was cleaner and made sense. As opposed to both parents just splitting and giving me the parting f -off by saying it's because I am a bad person.

If what I am saying above is true, then it means I never resolved / accepted my parents divorce 30+ years later.

Am I reaching for straws with this theory?

Your thoughts please

Thanks again !

[Sunfl0wer]

I wonder how the idea of identity relates to this. 

It sounds like these fantasies were an effective coping strategy for dealing with a situation that was hard to understand and even if you made up a less 'fantasy' type of understanding of things/even if you came up with realistic rationalizations, in a way, it would still be fantasy as no one was explaining reality to you to allow you to sort out.

You had an understanding of who you were before the divorce.  A divorce can shake your sense of identity.  Fantasies can be a way to create an identity to feel safe and secure about your sense of self.

Has something happened again to threaten your sense of self?

[Please help]

Yes, I am going thorough a stressful move and work switch etc. One day a few months back , I found myself in the fantasy world again. It almost scared me as I felt like I was going crazy. I then realized I spent a good portion of my life in this fantasy.

I am intrigued as to why there is so much focus on 15-18 age range. I think its has to do with what I was experiencing then and beginning to see as a teen. I mentioned earlier, I saw myself truly having lost everyone as they moved on. I think this fantasy is merely a way to neatly package it up. 

Thanks

[Kwamina]

If what I am saying above is true, then it means I never resolved / accepted my parents divorce 30+ years later.

I am intrigued as to why there is so much focus on 15-18 age range. I think its has to do with what I was experiencing then and beginning to see as a teen. I mentioned earlier, I saw myself truly having lost everyone as they moved on. I think this fantasy is merely a way to neatly package it up.  

The current triggers in your life seem to have taken you back to a place from your past, both the fantasy place as well as the actual time in which this fantasy world was created.

Acceptance of a painful reality can be very hard. Accepting that you have disordered parents means letting go of the fantasy parents you never had and that isn't easy, in many ways it's like a mourning process. Based on how you describe things it does seem that your parents' divorce and them moving on without you, might have been too painful for you to deal with at the time. To allow you to keep functioning and moving on, you retreated into that fantasy world, your mind created that fantasy world as a coping mechanism.

Do you feel that you've ever been able to truly let yourself experience the pain and sadness of the childhood loss you describe? You felt like you lost everything as your parents moved on, how does that whole period make you feel now looking back upon it after all these years? Do you feel like you are able to process what happened to you and experience the accompanying emotions or perhaps that you automatically find yourself back in that fantasy world whenever the pain comes too close or becomes too intense?

[Please help]

Thanks for the reply. I had another bit of a breakthrough. My obsession for a particular town comes from that being my last point of stability. I can almost feel myself as a 5-6 yr old kid wandering around my old neighborhood streets with no home but hoping someone will come and help me. Dogs always go home as well even when the owner abandons them. It pains me to say this but I may be a lost child still wandering around looking for my parents or someone to help.

I remember being in the 8th grade and asking my M's mother if I could stay with her. My F was facing some serious time and my M wanted nothing to do with my brother and I. She had a new family and even put a MADD (mothers against drunk driving) sticker on her car to prove she was an uppity wife and mom with her new family. Oddly that hurt me. I vividly recall my G mother telling me no and maybe foster care or whatever institution I end up in was for the best. She had a big house and later took in her alcoholic and drugs addict adult children. I had just made the soccer team and I recall leaving that fall afternoon seeing the foliage leaves on the sidewalk feeling utter despair. I quit soccer and prepared myself for a runaway. I was not thinking of my little brother at that point.

My last 2 years of high school were spent in another state. My F's mother lived in this town as did M's mother. Neither offered to let me stay and finish my education if the same city. My F's mother actually took in one of my F's friends when they were in HS , so he could finish his last year without switching.

I guess what i am trying to say is I know no one had my back and I have refused to accept it as it's too painful. Instead, I romaticize this place and think out of the community will come surrogate parents. I have to stop this.

I cannot gloss over my childhood wounds with fantasies to make them more palatable. It sucked hard and I need to accept that and move on. No one came to my aid. Instead, I was dumped on and abandoned.

It actually frightens me a bit to accept this reality. It's almost like acknowledging there is no safety net and I am truly on my own.

I feel as though I have to tell both the 5-6 yr old and 16-17 yr old me at the same time, they are on their own and some people want to hurt them.  It's okay to be scared but they need to be strong.

Thanks for listening.

[Kwamina]

I feel as though I have to tell both the 5-6 yr old and 16-17 yr old me at the same time, they are on their own and some people want to hurt them.  It's okay to be scared but they need to be strong.

The beauty of inner child work is that if those younger versions of you would get scared, they now have the adult you to be there for them and guide them through the dangers. In the words of Pete Walker who has written about childhood abuse:

"Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared."

[Please help]

It is very painful as I am forcing my 6-7 & 16-17 yr old self to face reality as opposed to delve into fantasy land. It's the first time I have ever held their hand and stood in solidarity with them to accept the reality for what it was.

It is actually causing me to sink into a bit of depression but I feel something is happening deep within me.

Thanks

[Sunfl0wer]

Why not observe your younger self enjoying their fantasy?

Allow them to play, watch, enjoy observing them, set up a play date between the two ages and allow them to enjoy their thoughts?

While adult you is still watching and aware and understanding reality.

Is there harm for the young ones to play and fantasize as long as adult you is supervising and protecting them?

[Please help]

Sunflower,

  Could you elaborate on this strategy?

  The past few days have been emotionally tough as I am making breakthroughs. I watched a few videos of children in cancer wards and I prayed to God for guidance. I realize many of us should actually be grateful we survived and try to make the best out of our lives.

I think human development requires family and an extended community i.e extended family, church, neighbors, etc. Children need to grow up in good environments. I had none of this and my fantasies were surrogates for what I was missing.

I am getting to a point where I understand my fantasies were natural and I should not be ashamed for having such a tough past. I recall hitting my father with a metal toy gun when I was about 5-7 because we was beating up my M. I took care of (cooked and went shopping when i was about 12) my M's younger kid's for a short time when I lived with her in a trailer while she went out and partied.

I tried to take custody of my little B when I was 19-20.

I no longer care many people hated me and refused to help me. I would like to ask these people to name one thing I did that was bad to them to earn their hatred. I can guarantee, the responses would be nothing I did personally but misdirected hatred.

My F had a group of friends I previously mentioned and their wives' hated me as I was dirty / homeless and would steal weed out of the ashtray and booze from their cabinets and drink it with their kid's. All the hatred those women had was directed at me. Admittedly, I was an easy target to hate as I had no defense (no mother, etc).

I am learning to be proud of most (not all) of my decisions in my past and realize I was always a stand up man who tried to do the right thing.

Lately, I find myself watching videos of children in oncology units and praying for them. This reminds me to keep my mouth shut.

[Starting_Over]

Have you considered therapy? I am doing emdr therapy with my psychologist to process the childhood trauma that experienced at home. goes a lot faster then regular talk therapy, and in some cases ( like myself) you can process trama without the you being aware ( aside from physical sensations).

[Please help]

I kneel down to tell my 5-6 yr old self that his life is a mess and he is scared because he has no one. I see myself as a child standing in a room holding my hands in fists at waist level in uncontrollable tears as things are so messed up and my young mind cannot process it. I give him a big hug and realize I was not hugged much as a kid.

  I also wonder if I had / have a PD and brought some of this myself. My F took me to cub scouts and a few other things. Up to the 5th grade ( he was in prison from (1-4th approx) we lived in same house. He got out and my parents divorced, sold house ( no mortgage) and moved into a crack den. My M moved in with her parents but occasionally stayed with us. I always lived in a different city than where I went to school. I always had problems with other kid's got bullied,  some fights, etc. Fortunately, I found a few misfits to form lifelong friendships with. I realize these guys were socially inept ( as well as I ) and maybe that was our bond (who knows).

There was a quaint town my Grandparents lived in that I bounced in and out of. Many people knew each other. Thew few who knew me would only remember me as a "troubled person". My fantasies were based in this town and I was one of the clean -cut kids with a loving home. I vividly recall 7-9 th grade pretending I had a nice family , private school , etc and was overall thriving as a well- rounded kid. Instead, I was living in a ghetto apt where most people lived in homes, F and his new girlfriend were high on coke, weed and drunk almost 24/7 and both my G parents hated my as I was the root cause of their "precious child" having to marry a bad person and ruining their life. I remember watching my Mother's M interact with my F once. She was nice and polite to him and I could not understand why she would choose to hate me and be nice to a guy who when he was 21 had sex with her 16 yr old daughter. It did not seem right to me. She told my F if he did not marry my M, she was going to have him arrested for rape. I think she knew they were having sex when she was 15.

The few times I  talked to my F  in the past 25 years, I asked how things got so messed up. Me said " not for nothing, but i do not want to discuss any of that stuff". I did not accuse him of anything but I was looking for answers.

Children need a stable home, extended family and an overall greater community, house of worship , school , sports, etc. to properly develop. I tried playing sports but living in different cities and needing rides was almost a waste of money and time. In the 7th grade, I lived with my M in a trailer yet went to school 30 miles away. More often than not, she would have me stay home and babysit her younger kids. I think it was very difficult to function never mind thrive in a situation like that. My primary education was messed up. I was always in the special needs classes.

I do not think I wrote my family off. I think it was mutual on both sides. My F did not have his parents gravestones marked with their names even though he got money from death benefits to bury them properly. I am marking the graves properly as it's the right thing to do. My point is my F could care less is his P's are buried properly or not. They gave him a house, he lost it, helped him buy another one, he lost it and his childhood home was lost because he was in jail and could not petition to get it when his mother fell ill. So they helped him in life. I think he will put effort into a family if he has to and if it's convenient for him. That is as far as it goes. He has no problems not knowing his kid's.

I am telling my younger self at both stages 5-6 & 16-17, that I am here to help them. They should accept reality , let the tears flow and not rely on a fantasy world as an opiate.

I do feel a tremendous sadness and loss saying goodbye to my fantasy world. All the families I randomly selected , always look so happy on facebook. I was able to seek out decent people in my head.

These fantasies were so real in my mind and for so long, I feel a real mourning. It was not real and merely served a purpose to survive.   

[Please help]

Adding to my previous post, most of my sadness comes from not having any connections to the past. Most people can stay in touch with their family but I do not even have that. I am nostalgic by nature and it hurts like hell. I think this is how elderly people feel when they no longer have anyone. You want people who knew you the first 20-25 years of your life. Otherwise, it's a weird feeling.

I am obsessed with some sort of community and could never seem to put it together.

[Please help]

I do not consider myself a bad person and on the contrary, I try to help and be there for people. No matter who I reach out to, I get a cold shoulder. I do admit most of the people (adults) who were in my life as a kid are so messed up and burnt out, they simply do not want to associate or even talk to me.

I may just write the first 20 years of my life off, put it in a box and try not to think of it.

[Woolspinner2000]

Pleasehelp,

You are processing so much! Are you taking some time to be kind to yourself and self soothe in between all this work? You are working so hard and kudos to you!   I am glad for all the breakthroughs you are having. What can you do to reward yourself today?

I have one word that has come to my mind as I read your posts and wonder if it would have any meaning to you:

belonging.


Wools

[Please help]

Wools and everyone else,

  Thank you fro the support. I think my friends were my first relationships where true affection happened. I know it meant more for me than it did for them. When they moved on as people do, it left me devastated. I am in my early 40's and they moved on by the time I was 25. It still hurts everyday. More than my parents leaving me as I was attached to these guys. At least I can see why it hurt so much.

The inner child thing is bringing up weird thoughts. I have been focused on why no  one offered me a place to stay so I could finish HS in the  area as opposed to out of state my last 2 years. My F and new wife moved 1 state away to "get sober" but they went off the deep end with drugs and booze upon arrival. So that plan did not work. My F's mother as I have previously mentioned offered my F's friend in HS to stay with them his last year so he did not have to move but she would not extend the same to her grandson.  That was done out of hatred. Yes, I get it she wanted to show how much she hated me and hurt me whenever she could because she hated my M. Kicking a wounded child when they are down is an awful thing to do. My 16/17 year old self can clearly see through the confusion now. He never knew why things were so difficult for him. I am explaining it and at least he understands the world he lives in a bit better.

My M was so unstable after the divorce she bounced us from apt to apt and school to school before abandoning me. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt -she was only 16 had problems, etc. Unfortunately, I cannot "gloss over" things that easy because her approach to abandoning me was to tell as many people as possible how bad of a person I was. That is why she had to leave I was to bad of a kid. She was even telling people the state was going to put in a juvie home (jail) for troubled kid's. I never attacked anyone or set any fires so I do not know what she meant. I babysat her kid's while she went out and partied.

I cannot go back to being 16/17 and have the sensation of a loving family and community. It simply cannot happen. I should be grateful for having some friends (although temporary) at one point in my life. I would give anything to wake up in a clean home with a loving family , get dressed, go to school , play an after school sport and come home to the same loving family who I know is there for me. I just described by childhood dream. Nothing too fancy. Yes, the houses I lived in were filthy and drug infested.

Wools, you said it best, belonging. You are very intuitive as I did not pick up on this myself. I merely

wanted to belong to something nice and stable.

Although I have no interest in Harry Potter and only know of the stories in passing, someone on this board mentioned Potter was looking at all his scars and accepted the fact they were nothing more than proof he battled and survived Voldemort.

That is what many of us have, scars to prove we battled and survived PD parent's. Go to the prisons and drug rehab, detox, half-way houses, etc. You will see people with the same scars as us but it was simply too much for them. We should treat these people with compassion and be grateful we made it "home from war".

Thanks for listening

[Sunfl0wer]

That is what many of us have, scars to prove we battled and survived PD parent's. Go to the prisons and drug rehab, detox, half-way houses, etc. You will see people with the same scars as us but it was simply too much for them. We should treat these people with compassion and be grateful we made it "home from war".

The ideas of Home and Belonging that are coming up in this thread, I realize have been important ideas for myself.

I grew up never feeling 'at home,' wanted, or belonging.

I have sought out this sense of Home/belonging that I want in my relationships with others, especially with a SO.

I do admit most of the people (adults) who were in my life as a kid are so messed up and burnt out, they simply do not want to associate or even talk to me.

I relate to this as well.  Most people who know part of my story wonder why I did not end up on a more self destructive path as my peers in similar circumstances.  Some people are shocked at 'how far I have come' and such.  While that is a nice way to frame things, there is also the experience that I often cannot find people who relate to my experiences as the ones who would, are severely dysfunctional.  So to relate to persons in my environment, I do not disclose a great deal of my past, as I find it often serves as a divide between them and I and leaves them uncomfortable.  This leaves me feeling a bit shameful or invisible in some way, or at the very least, I feel a distance that was created.

I imagine this is somewhat how a gifted child feels in a regular school environment and having to balance being placed in stimulating classes vs peer growth and social development.  There is just something uneven about their process of development, and it affects and competes with different personal aspects of self growth and relating to others.

I am not sure I am making sense.  My thoughts just sort of floated out.  Maybe helpful, idk.

[Please help]

It makes perfect sense. The idea of home and belonging is being pointed out to me as a common there. With my friends, I had a group I belonged to. I lost that and it has hurt badly. I have a wife and baby and feel belonging to that so it's nice.


Unfortunately,I too do not have anyone in the way of family to have a healthy relationship with. Clearly, our development was different ( good or bad) from other kid's.

I have tried stitch together a family through various means over the years to no avail. Either you have parents and extended family or you do not. They cannot be manufactured or recruited.

I think I need some sort of rebirth process where I can simply start anew without all this pain.

[Woolspinner2000]

Pleasehelp and Sonflower,

Belonging is an incredible word. I'm not sure how it affects you and others out there on our site, but it has this power to almost bring me to tears. How much I want to belong! I'm sure it must be something close to that for you both too. We all have a great need to belong, whether we had a good healthy family or not. Of course for those of us at this site, we came from dysfunctional families, and I believe the need is even stronger.

Here's some good news!  We know as we take those steps to heal and grow, this site is a great place for family and for belonging. Here is a quote from #3 on the side regarding 'belonging:'

Perhaps most importantly, self-help groups offer a sense of belonging and "family" that probably was not available to you as you were growing up. If your family is still in denial about the abuse or unwilling to change defensive attitudes, then self-help groups can become a sort of surrogate family for you. As we have said before, it is very difficult to do this work alone, and bpdfamily.com and other self-help groups can help provide you with the community and support you need to continue working through your recovery.

I know it's not the same as being in our FOO, but you really DO belong here and are a very important contributing member. 


Wools

[Please help]

I spoke to my F yesterday. I think of some crazy reason to cal and we talk for 5 minutes. He laughed about how I disposed of a weapon ( I was 13/14) he used in a crime and the charges were dropped. I know, I am evil (ha,ha). I told him he never thanked me and he properly thanked me for it. He was facing serious time and always said that was my finest moment. I asked him if I was a headcase as a kid or if there was so much crap going on. He said a little of both. He told me he had me when he was 21 and he was too young and did the best he could as a parent at that age. he also said my M and step M made things tough on me and I was caught in the middle of a bunch of crap.

I did notice in a subtle way there was no personal responsibility on his part. No "hey , me being a violent drug dealer did not make your childhood easier".

Lately, I dont know why maybe it's middle age or maybe it's simply a flare-up of being a BPD parent, I have been obsessed with being a teen again in a clean-cut and healthy environment. Maybe it's because I have a baby and and thinking of his life ahead. I dont know.

I can see as an adult how much effort people a bit older than me put into their kids and realize I did not stand a chance. I was beating myself up for not being more successful in HS. All I did was work and hang out with a few guys. My 16/17 year old was bothered by this as he could see there was more out there.   

The kid's who flourished as teens had parents supporting them. I do not think it would be possible to be clean-cut, play a sport in HS, nice girlfriend, etc and bring her home to my ghetto apt where someone has been passed out on the kitchen floor for 3 days due to smoking too much opium ( true story).

I think BPD children beat ourselves up for our own shortcomings. I also think up to 17-18, you are an extension of your parents. I went above and beyond my situation to work and maintain stability and move out young and start college while being in hell. In other words, I did the best I could and had some success. Could I have done more, probably but not much more.

I am getting to the point where I stop looking at my past with disappointment with myself and instead show a bit of pride for my survival skills.

All those kid's we saw growing up and looking happy. Many had issues ( not as severe as ours) to deal with as well but they had parental support to guide them on everything.

Looking back, it's obvious what kid's come from good and bad homes. My point being this is how our crazy families affected us. 

[Please help]

I remembered a story but it was from the perspective of my childhood self not as an adult. I had just moved in with my F and his g friend in the 8th grade. My M and her friend show up at our apt and fight my F's new g friend. I dont know why. They all got arrested and I had to go to police station with no shirt on ( yes, I felt like hard core white trash). The case was later dismissed and my F thought it was funny. He was in his early 30's and should have been more mature about it.

He had to leave work and come get me. his new Gfriend did not want me back in apt and he took me to work then to his M's to see if I could stay there. She said no. He then began blaming me fro all his problems in life. I knew I was one step away from being homeless. I think that is why I had to get away from my M as she was getting ready to kick me out to start a new life as well. I think it was all about trying to find someone to take me in.

That sucked. It was in the news and a few kid's parents told them to stay away from me. I knew I was a toxic kid.

[Please help]

I think what bothers me the most is I have no connections to my past. It's almost as if I was a ghost, had a few good and many bad memories. I have tried to reconnect with some of my friends and had no success. I think the guys I grew up with had some dysfunctions and most are doing okay but I see other groups on facebook and they are in touch. It's almost like everyone I knew saw the period of their life they were around me as bad and want to forget it. I have thought about that. I was not into heavy drugs or serious crime.

I tried to hang out with decent people. This feeling of not having past connections feels unnatural and I keep thinking it's how old people feel before they die.

I always wanted to spend my life with childhood friends, marry a childhood sweetheart and grow old with long lasting memories and friendships. Instead, it's lonely and there is nothing that ties me to my formative years.

I see now why so many stay LC with dysfunctional family members. It's who you are and it keeps you connected who you were. Old acquaintenances (sp?) and family members give us strength. They remind us of being 8 yrs old and playing catch with them, etc.

[Please help]

I have been going through a very stressful past 3-4 months. Living situation and job no secure and have new baby. I held up well as we children of BPD do. We have all survived much worse ( ha,ha).

This stress is what caused my latest flare-up. I look at this town that I only spent some time in (not my hometown- I have to accept the fact I was nomadic and merely trying to attach myself to a place) and was not completely invested into the community i.e ghetto apt with police there many times and I think about all the kids who I observed but probably did not notice me. As wools said , they looked happy and belonged to a loving family.

This scenario had caused me to yearn for my childhood and to have what I perceived them to have. You know things were bad when you create little fantasies in your head about a mother figure taking you as a 14 year old grocery shopping and you 2 simply enjoy the time together. This tells me I was missing out on some basic things.

It's odd,I occasionally speak to my F 1-2x a year maybe now for about 5 minutes. I notices he always has to get off phone.  The past obviously comes up and I try never to directly blame him. I accept his narrative of how he was a victim by everyone for the sake of the argument. I remember when he lived with his gfriend before marriage, he was drunk riding around on his mountain bike telling me he wants to "end everything". I think it was a suicide reference and I was worried about him.

I am getting to the point there is no need to beat on myself about missing out on my childhood. I see the dynamics I had to work with and the best a kid can do in that situation is stay alive and off drugs. That I did.

As far as missing my childhood friends, i am still in touch with 2 kids from 5th grade.  That is probably better than most. I cherish them and realize that I am probably doing good if you have friends that go back that far. The other guys were people that simply come in and out of my life. I should not have viewed them as family but I was always desperate in the area of relationships. I am coming to terms with all this as well.

In closing, we will never have normal parents and cannot relive our younger days in a happy setting. The best we can do is try to be the good people.

When seeing pics of adults who had idyllic childhoods and seem content as adults, I am happy for them. I reflect on my own scars and realize we traveled two different roads and ended up at the same place work and family wise. Most who traveled their road had little trouble making it in life. Most who traveled our road did not make it.

When we are down on ourselves, we should congratulate ourselves and say " you make it" followed by a big hug. Then say a small prayer for those who fell along the way.

[Starting_Over]

I think that through parenting your baby it will help you process a lot.  You will see how differently your child turns out by giving them appropriate love and supervision. I want to have kids after I have secure boundaries, and no longer have identifiable avoidant and dependant traits.

[Please help]

I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday. My reason for going was I was getting a bit too focused on my childhood and what I missed. A 3 minute phone call to my F a few x's per year no longer triggers me. The very fact he answered me with " I was part head case and part due to things being messed up" in response to "what happened during my childhood is all I need to hear to know. None of it was his fault.

I feel like I am getting philosophical about how to process / internalize my childhood. I did not cause any of the chaos. I survived it and moved on. I was attacked and hated by everyone. I remember barely graduating HS due to not having a stable place to live. My ex step mom wanted me out. PD people hate non's because we know who they really are and don't enable their behavior. It's one thing I learned. Either you are helping PD or you are being smeared by them. PD people can sense better than we can who is one of them and who isn't. I wanted to go to a catholic school. I craved order. My GFAther and I both paid my tuition for 1 year until we moved. A druggie wife of my father's friend to them they should not allow me to go. Who the f*** is this woman to say that. Her kid dropped out of school in the 9th grade and other one went to prison for drugs. I think she was trying to play status symbol in her little group of junkies and I was merely collateral damage. She did not want to see someone who she perceived as lower than her to have a kid prosper. I see pics of g parents at g childs graduation. My g mother did not go to mine and my 16/17 yr old self realizes there really was no one there for me. I had my g father but he died when I was 15. No one from my M's side either sent a card.

My college graduation happened when I was 30 and did not attend. I had them mail the degree to me. My wedding no one from my family was there as I am not in contact.

I need to stop going to facebook, seeing pics of kid's playing lacrosse / soccer, going to proms, skiing and looking healthy / stable, living in loving homes, etc and then beating myself up for not being able to achieve that as a teen.

As mentioned, I did not cause it , I merely survived it and I should be proud of that. I just realized , there are no pics of me in certain periods of my life. I have some pics of me before my F went to prison, and I think there was my HS yearbook pic, but that is it.

The fact I do not have pics and do not believe they exist ( or were thrown out) says it all.

I was an unwanted child who was despised by many and had to learn to love myself and create a life for myself. There, I said it. Don't really care what some BPD parent says about me being a bad kid and abandoning them, etc. It's just nonsense.

[Please help]

I reached to my slightly older female cousins last week. Their mother and my M are sisters. I saw my aunt as well. We talked for about 2 hours and I filled them in on only snippets of what I went through. My cousin told me she cried later but I maintained composure. They had similar stories to mine as we were close as kids. It was tougher on girls bouncing around than a boy and I felt bad for them. They may have had it worse.

I need to help my teenage self as he can see what he is missing by looking at other families and that hurts him. I never realized how much it hurt until I hear him talk. Many of my friends' parents saw me as "the bad kid". Admittedly, between 17-22, I was arrested  a few times and made several court appearances. Mostly drunk stuff. I am sure they did not like me having an apartment at that age. They wanted their kids to "keep their innocence" a bit longer and saw me a not a good person.

As mentioned, there was a community I lived in off and on. There were many families that raised idyllic kid's. I am sure there were issues but not that bad. I always wanted to be part of that environment. I see them on facebook now and the kid's I knew are grown up and talk to their friends' parents. Obviously, the parents had good relationships with their children's friends. I see the pics of the whole family always together etc. My fantasies would always place me in this environment. I was a 18-20 yr old, alone with no family and some crazy friends. Of course I would want to be part of a stable and loving family.

I need to help my 16-17 yr odl self come to terms with this. I also see how strong my 5-6 yr old self is / was. He was simply scared due to what he went through. Sitting down and showing him love made a huge impact.

I would never expect my F or M to have a lucid conversation with me to help dealing with this sense of loss. If anything, blame will be assessed on me.

I just realized the word "loss". I have a huge issue dealing with loss. Loss of friends, money, life, memories, etc. I see how life is about losing. This clearly comes from losing so much at a young age i.e my house, family, security, acceptance, etc.

How do I show this 16-17 year old self that he is not part of any loving family at that age and get him to accept it? I think trying to enter adulthood alone without any real support was tough.

Your thoughts please

Thanks

[Please help]

When you did deep into your inner childhood , one uncovers small wounds as well as the major ones. A buddy of mine mentioned I never should have lived in the town i did as it was a bit on the higher end and most families were stable. He  was from a lower economic town and we get along well. He said my mannerism is suited for the town he is from. More kids from his town could relate to me than the one I lived in. I think this caused me to feel a bit inadequate in addition to everything else going on. Everywhere I looked, I saw beautiful families. It did hurt me as it was a reminder of what I did not have. I have to agree with him.

I think most of my yearning for happy High school years is really all about wanting a stable family. I think this is what "banged me up" the most. The poverty didn't  as much of it was attributed to drugs. However, a stable family can overcome  obstacles such as poverty, etc.

Looking at my teen self, I can clearly see from around the 5-6 grade, I was simply in the way. I remember being in the 5-6 grade and wanting to die as my life sucked so bad. I read books at the library about suicide. I do not think that was remotely healthy to be suicidal at such a young age. The adults wanted to party and do drugs and I crimped that lifestyle. I was pushing them for a stable home. I remember calling my F at his friends house around midnight on weeknights telling him he and his gfriend need to come home. He was work in the morning his response was " okay dad, ha,ha".  What a loser he was. He was in his mid 30's at that point. There were not many people who could understand what I was going through.

  I tried to be normal work, play a sport, etc, but the instability was too much. I also recall trying to have normal conversations that a F and son would have. I remember asking him how to make sure I am hanging around with good friends. I was around 13 at the time. This conversation quickly turned into what an ass I was and I have no friends but he was real popular. As he was tough, sold drugs, partied and had a gfriend 15 yrs his junior. I knew something was wrong back them. I accepted the narrative that all the problems were caused by me. I could never understand how my M hated me yet F's mother loved him even though he had brain damage from drug use and never gave a ___ about anyone, not even himself.

  His gfrind wanted me out and he regretted taking me in. It was 1985 and he had to give my M 50.00 in child support. He thought it would be cheaper to have me live with him. He quickly saw the flaw in his logic. I told a school counselor I wanted to kill his gfriend ( they may have just gotten married). F agreed I was crazy and they had me locked up in a psych hospital for a few months. It was not a pleasant place. I was in there with some violent people.

After a few months of being in there, they had to make a decision of where to place me. F's gfriend / wife said she feared for her safety having me around so the hospital kept me a bit longer. A shrink pointed out that my real anger was at my F for letting me down. That actually made sense. I was almost placed in a group home or some other facility. That would have really sucked.

My F did not tell gfriend / wife to get lost as he needs to raise his kids. Instead, he saw this as a way of getting rid of me. I could tell he was happy to hear about the group home / incarceration thing. Get rid of kid, no child support, a win-win.

My teen self can see how messed up all this was and it's no wonder I did not fit into a stable middle-class community.

We cannot always control the situations or events we have to contend with, we can however control how we react to them and that is where success and failure happens. I survived my childhood without being locked up and have had a bit of success in life.

It's funny, our childhoods are from (early memories) 6/7 -17/18 but we allow them to overshadow or adult lives.

I need help convincing my 16/17 year old had he been born into better circumstances, he would have prospered. I can tell him this simply because he survived what he endured. Therefore, he needs to be reminded of his innate ability to survive.

I remember yearning for a  gfriend in HS but knew things were so messed up it simply was not plausible. My F  used to ridicule me for being gay, etc ( I am not) and I responded that our situation is so messed up how can i bring a girl into this?

I do not think he saw anything wrong with the family. He truly saw himself as Ward Cleaver and his whole family was crazy. he is quite happy in life now that "all the crazies" are gone. He laughed about his younger kid's being in rehab, sober houses, etc. I know his logic. He thinks " they are losers and I am not". He does not see he is the biggest loser for all the damage he has done.

Thanks for listening

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi pleasehelp,

I am having trouble processing large chunks of info atm, so I did not get to read all of this thread, but did read your latest post.

This line stood out to me:

I need help convincing my 16/17 year old had he been born into better circumstances, he would have prospered. I can tell him this simply because he survived what he endured. Therefore, he needs to be reminded of his innate ability to survive.

I think it is excellent to tap into the emotional wants and needs of your inner 16/17 year old.

Telling him that you are quite proud of him and his strength, fortitude for managing under extreme circumstances seems excellent.  (Or however feels right to you for you to phrase it to him)

However, there is a pain I feel when I read this portion: "I need help convincing my 16/17 year old had he been born into better circumstances, he would have prospered."

It is hard for me to verbalize why this feels to me like it could be painful vs healing.  I am going to try... .  (Even though I realize what causes me pain is not the same for you, I'm sharing anyway)

The word "Convincing" feels painful to me like maybe he could appreciate you hearing him and respecting his reality vs insisting to him that he have yours. 

The phrase, "he would have prospered" feels painful to me as it feels judgmental.  Like you are stating that he is not good enough.  It also feels like you are comparing him and that feels painful.

If it were me, I would have a hard time believing someone was truely proud of who I am if they also mixed in language that felt judgmental.

So... .

How do you feel about what I said?  Maybe none of that rings true for you, partially, or completely, idk.

If it also feels not right to you, can you think of the exact message it is you want him to hear? And can you identify any barriers that he may have in being able to hear this?