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So Monday morning I wake up to a text from my exBPDgf . Turns out she texted me at 1:05 am asking me if I'm at work. I'm a cop and work overnight. I haven't talked to her in about a month. So naturally me being the nice guy a text her and ask if everything is ok. She text me a few hours later saying everything is fine she had a nightmare, she apologized for late text and told me to take care. I asked if the nightmare was about me and she said no . I said great see you around and left it at that for a couple days. Meanwhile I'm in a great relationship with someone else. My girl spent the night at my house Tuesday . Something my ex never did. After she left late morning I kept thinking about hat late night text . For some reason I wanted a better answer. I know, I know , bad idea. I shouldn't even be responding to her. So anyway I text her and tell her I don't believe that was the reason she texted. I asked her again if she is ok. She responds with a yes and she has no reason to,lie to me. I told her she confuses and frustrates me. She texted me later on at night while I was working. We do the normal small talk. She tells me she wants to make sure she's not the cause of my frustration. Lol. And I should be honest with her as she has been honest with me. She adds that she's not playing games haha. I asked her if she ever misses me. She told me that's too personal a question and she chooses not to answer. I told her that probably means she did. Anyway , she told me it made her uncomfortable and she's not at that point yet to talk to me about that. I ended this stupid convo by telling her she is acting like we never had any history together. She replies with " believe me, I know exactly what we had " what the heck

Big stay away from her! Don't answer her anymore. She is just playing mind games now . I feel these sickos get a cheap thrill thinking your at home pining  over them. She is either A looking to recycle you or B wants to see if your still into her so you can feed her ego. Let her go man. Even if u have to change your # cut her loose.

Hi Bigmd,

I would feel confused too. I think that your expbdgf is putting out her feelers.

I agree with Confused, mine told me these off remarks as well. Why would you mess it up with the new person? You already had your ending with your ex. Don't go through that again. You certainly should know how these things can go being a police officer. A police officer actually told me " it's time for a divorce"- after yet another visit to our home-he was right! Be smart... .

hi Bigmd 

how did hearing from her make you feel?

Hey guys thanks. After 9 months or so I understand what's going on. I'm pissed I even fed into it. I was sure I was pretty much over this garbage. Even just texting her is not good, I already have nots in my stomach. I feel guilty too because I have a new girlfriend. As I was posting yesterday my ex texted me again Saying she's is holding back a lot of feelings because it's not the right time. She says she doesn't want to hurt me and says in a good person lol. I replied and sai she has already hurt me so what's the difference . Haven't got a response so I'll leave it at that. Not sure what I'm trying to get out of this.

Hi Bigmd,

Don't be hard on yourself. You've known your ex for 6 years. You have a long history together. It takes time.

I know. Just don't want to screw up my new relationship .

So really think about it then. Why did you text her again? What better answer where you looking for? Did you want the nightmare to be about you? Did you still somehow magically expect her to be honest to you (I don't know your story but I know for sure honesty was not one of her main character features... )? Did you expect her to say: "well... .I'm thinking of recycling you so I'm preparing you by trying a little contact to gauge the reaction"?

Do you want her to say she misses you? Do you want to be recycled somewhere deep down? Do you still long for some part of the relationship (the exhilaration perhaps) that your new one does not bring? Why do you still want to be mister nice guy? Why do you do small talk with her? Why do you want her to acknowledge your history together? Are you still expecting to get closure from her?

Just some random questions  *)  But perhaps some you might want to think about if you don't want to screw up your current relationship.

It's a game she is playing with you and you fall fot it. She texted you and you responded and now she is silent. You responded by telling her "she has already hurt me", borderline have no remorse because they lack empathy, she can't relate to the pain she caused you. Stay away from her and maintain strict NC.

I agree NC would be the best strategy but I also think it would be wise to figure out WHY Bigmd responded to her text and then went looking for more contact. The better you understand why you do what you do the easier it is to change it.

Yeah that's what I want to know too, why did I look for more. Sometimes I think I like the chaos. I know for sure nothing good comes from this. I had a therapy session today which helped. I'm not reaching out to her I know it's a game. Right now I have a great girl with no drama at all. We talk and if we have a disagreement it's handled right then. Wow, what a novel idea lol. I don't have to deal with silent treatment . I hear you all loud and clear .

I think I liked the chaos too, so much I've been creating my own!  lol  I'm on a quest to calm down and not have anymore. They say when you get out of these relationships we miss the drama and create our own, so don't feel bad. It's what they do too, remember- we don't like it really... .We need to try and enjoy the silence... .

BH I think sometimes I like playing the game also. I'll text and wait for a reply . Stupidly I texted her happy Mother's Day and she never replied. So she is definately playing games .

Does your ex know you are dating someone else? I think she was reaching out to see if you would respond or to see if you still care. Don't be surprised to hear from her again really soon? She maybe be throwing a line out to see if you'll take the bait which you did by responding. Sometimes pwBPD will throw that line out before a recycle attempt or to see if you still care so they can get you to beg them back, but they will ignore you as a punishment.It's a weird cycle and it's really hard to say for sure because every pwBPD is different.

I'm well aware of the cycle. She doesn't know I'm with anyone . This all started before Easter weekend when she texted after 8 m no contact. We have talked on and off for last month and a half. She will text and we talk than silence for a few weeks. It's her game . The other day she told me she's not playing games... .Lol.

Even if she was baiting you then you returned the favor and kept the cycle going. Dealing with normal feelings of loss and trying to communicate that to an expwBPD is impossible, I think. It's an assumption that you are communicating with a "normal" person and you are not. There will be no "ah-ha" moment where she returns to some remorseful state that will give you some validation. Intermittent reinforcement from her can definitely keep you on the hook. When you reach out and don't get a response, your brain wants that response so bad. So bad. It's like getting a "human heroin" fix. Your brain is adjusting to the loss of input. So you reach out for it. I do it... .but I'm getting better.

With my pwBPD, I cannot expect any real truthfulness from her. If she is playing a game then she can't admit it or she doesn't feel like its a game. It's rough. I know my adrenals are working overtime dealing with my ex so much so that I actually have adrenal fatigue.

The thing that's so frustrating is that I was beyond this crap . I didn't need any text from her. Now we talk a little and I'm all screwed up.

That's the way it goes, no?

Along/No Contact=relatively ok

Contact/even minor=screwed up/relapse/recycle

I really think its like being addicted to drugs.

I think HOPE can be partly to blame. Through contact, we have some kind of hope. Hope that things will be different.

Destroy hope. Pulverize it with a hammer... .

In cases like this, HOPE will def hurt you.

It’s all well and good to come on to a forum to get support over what you call text “games.” But maybe she’s not playing games. Maybe you are. The fundamental flaw of Borderline personality disorder is the inability to trust. She’s unaware that you’ve moved on. You’ve kept your new relationship a secret from her. So if anyone is feeding into the disorder, it’s you. If anyone is keeping silent and not communicating that you've moved on- it’s you. And there must be a reason for that.

Add to that the fact that you’ve kept your ongoing struggles and texting a secret from your new girlfriend. So, the sum of these actions involve keeping two women unknown to each other. Now, what does that say about you as the common denominator between them?

Old sayings: “two’s company, three’s a crowd.” and “If you have to keep your relationship a secret, you shouldn’t be in it” come to mind.

You’ve never resolved the past. You went right into a new relationship without finishing the last, without taking some time alone to resolve the outcome and give power to your personal growth. Could it be that the mistrust of you she feels is authentic?

You *cannot* game the system by moving on to a new lover while still engaging with the old.

The fact that your new girlfriend is blithely unaware of your dealings with another woman suggest that you are clandestine in your actions and complicitous in control.

No contact isn’t going to help here. Relationship recycling happens for a reason. What do you suppose you’re getting out of keeping secrets? Is it possible that you like multiple overlapping relationships with all of their drama and chaos because you need the adrenaline but on the surface, the face you give to others and the secrets you keep are a lie you tell yourself that all is well with you and you're still in charge while other people are the problem?

That’s worth investigating.  I hope you get some answers and it all works out for the best.  Good luck to you. |iiii

2010 thanks for the well wishes and analysis but I'm not the problem here. I'm not obligated to tell her anything. She is playing games. To text me at 1 am and tell me the next day that she had a nightmare is a game in my book. I don't think you know enough about my situation. With that said, I'm done with her, I'm done with BPD and this site. I've moved on . Thanks again.

Bigmd, I understand how you feel totally... .It is a game and you know it. She is testing you to see if you still want to play, Mine did it too. He was with someone else and checking to see if he could still play with me. At what gain? For all you know she is with someone too. You don't have to explain anything. I suppose it feels good to us in some way to hear from them... .some kind of way of knowing you meant something to them, but it isn't in a healthy way.  I finally told mine that I knew what he was and I didn't deserve to be played with. He left me alone after that. I think they just want to see if you still care. It's not for any real feelings of love. That would be a whole different way of dealing with things. Mine asked me to take him back while he has another woman pregnant! Now he is posting all of their pictures on Facebook. Is this someone who really loves me and wants to work on our marriage? I think not. I wouldn't get tangled up with her if you can help yourself. Consider it a test for your boundaries. Glad you have someone else, I hope things work out for you. Take care... .

The thing is your book is not a BPD book. You cannot understand how a BPD brain ticks no matter how hard you try. In your book it might look like a game in her world it's probably just a matter of not being able to control her impulses.

But even if you insist looking at it as a game you earlier on in this thread admitted you yourself enjoy playing games. So you might not be the problem here but as long as you keep texting back and even initiate texts (Mother's Day) you are also not part of the solution.

If you are really done with her and done with BPD and have moved on then stop texting her and stop responding to her. Focus on yourself and your new relationship instead of being part of what you call a game that is being played. If you don't you most certainly will screw up your new relationship. Imagine how your new girl will feel when she finds out you have been texting with your (as you might have told her what your past relationship was like) 'crazy' ex...

I think BigMD feels like he  got attacked  By a few people responding and some of the responses I would take as attacking if directed at me. Remember BIgMD is dealing with a ExBPD. It's hard not to respond to someone you loved or really liked that you dated. It sounds to me like BigMD responded because he wanted to make sure she was ok. Everyone here that has dated a pwBPD knows how hard it is when the pwBPD reaches out even after months of being silent. We all know that pwBPD will use manipulation to pull on our heart strings when reach out also... BigMD posted for advice/opinions.We need to be there for BigMD instead of making BigMD feel like he did something wrong. pwBPD make you confused and stumble for answer on their behaviors.Everyone here knows that...

I agree... .I also want to say that as much as our exes are similar, they are not all the same. When I tell people that mine was manipulative and played games with me it is because he told me this himself! He actually said to me that he knew he could manipulate people and he always talked about who "won" in an argument or situation. So if BigMD feels it is a game with his ex... .it is very possible he is correct, he was the one who was with her. I know everyone want's to defend them, but they are not all blindly doing what they do. I believe in my case, he knows the fact that he is different and how he can read people and affect them.

drummerboy5 - I also agree with you.

When I was seeing my T, I asked her about the weird things my ex was doing i.e. Facebook crap, stalking, etc.  She basically said to me that he was doing things to mess with my mind... .in other words deliberate MIND GAMES!  She said pwBPD are quite crafty and more than capable of playing games to mess with our heads.

Adds up to me :) 

Agreed! It's hard because like you just mentioned pwBPD can mess with your mind and it gets very confusing at times. We are all here for the same reasons and that's advice and support.

Yes definitely.  We all need some reassurance when things don't add up.  And the majority of the time... .things DO NOT add up lol

Lol you got that right!

At some point of your healing process the focus needs to shift - shift off your exBPD and why she does the things she does (hint: you'll never know), and shift onto yourself - why you are keeping the texting r/s alive, for example. You not only chose to respond but then a few days later chose to assertively pursue an answer. I'm not judging you for that - the end of these r/s's are hard - but I think the points that 2010 makes are valid. They're not an attack, they're an attempt to shift the spotlight to discerning your motivation in continuing the contact and the drama.

Even if she texts you, keep your responses far far away from the relationship you had. She had a nightmare? She is ok? Cool, done and done. Nothing good will come out of getting into relationship details. I know it is easier said and done but it's just gotta be that way. I had my ex pop up out of nowhere a month and a half ago after having absolutely no communication for about 4.5 months. Still knock me back but I bet it would be far worse if we started talking about the relationship. Going forward, for purposes of our communication whenever it happens, that relationship didn't exist.

Exactly that ^^^

And when posting for advice and opinions you know not everybody will have the same opinion.

Member 2010 has been known to give some REALLY sound and solid advice and in this case has a point too.

If you don't heal properly from your BPD relationship you are likely to make mistakes again. Whether it be with the same person (text, a possible recycle) or another pwBPD. You can only heal when you focus on you. Why did you fall for the pwBPD? What was your part in the relationship? What was your part in the demise of the relationship? What made you stay? What made you leave?

We all know the pain but the aim is to get over the pain and grow so we don't make the same mistakes again. Supporting each other and validating is part of that but also making each other think and giving each other a kick up the butt when needed so we don't get stuck.

If we just do the "my ex did blah blah blah" "YES! Mine too dude! What a b*tch!" "Yeah! It's all just a game to them!" "Yeah! You're so right! You go NC and show her who can play this game the best!" and never get past that not very adult level, we will never properly detach, we will not learn why we were in the relationship in the first place and we will be back here on this board when we have been through another recycle or another BPD relationship.

This board is meant for more then repeating our exes are evil monsters and how we hate them and what horrible things they did and then how we miss them again.

I don't think venting like that indicates detachment hasn't taken place, or that we haven't looked at our own role in the relationship.  Speaking for myself, I've put in all the work to detach, asked myself the hard questions, and healed.  However, I also have moments of What the heck just happened there!  If I vent about a recent encounter with the BPD in which I'm confused about, it's merely to get feedback from other members in order to sort out the confusion.  By no means does it indicate I haven't detached, grown, and healed from the experience.

We all have moments like that. And there is nothing wrong with moments like that. Especially when you have encounters you need to vent. As long as you do the other work too there is no issue. But I think it is odd (to say the least) that some members here expect people to always agree, to never hold up a mirror, to never ask "what about you?", to think being there for someone or support can only be shown by saying "poor confused you" instead of understanding that actually asking the difficult questions is being there too, is supporting someone too as it might actually bring someone further in their healing.

Bigmd, I understand what you are going through. What I wrote is an alternative view (as another possibility) that might be challenging, I agree. But this woman is asking you for honesty.

This is a trauma bond, and both of you are suffering from a lack of trust. The way out is to be honest about the behaviors that facilitate mistrust. Trust requires honesty.

Rather than use the word “games,” it’s important to catalogue actions and see them for what they represent.

Sending her a concerned text is nice, but with the prior history that you have, it is a glaring omission concerning what’s really going on in your life, which is that you are in a new relationship now, one which requires trust in order to survive.

I think you’d agree that taking a 1a.m. text from a former lover while the new lover remains unaware is a breach of trust- even if you are at your workplace.

Not closing the door to a past relationship, (one that has upset you greatly) and not allowing this person to be known to your new partner while you communicate with her back and forth in secrecy is also a breach of trust.

If you cannot block her number from your phone, and you continue the traumatic bond with her- then there must be a reason why. There must be a reason why you cannot bring her and your current partner into awareness of each other.

Honesty facilitates an outcome.  |iiii

The new partner then has the information needed to make her own decisions concerning the triangulation that is taking place and the former partner may realize that a third party is involved- possibly distancing to the point that you may never hear from her again.


There is a reason why she is asking you for honesty.


There also must be a reason why you feel under no obligation to provide it to her.  :thought: