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Author Topic: Thought I was done posting ... I guess not.  (Read 1020 times)
Invictus01
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 480


« Reply #30 on: May 10, 2016, 09:42:56 PM »

Even if she texts you, keep your responses far far away from the relationship you had. She had a nightmare? She is ok? Cool, done and done. Nothing good will come out of getting into relationship details. I know it is easier said and done but it's just gotta be that way. I had my ex pop up out of nowhere a month and a half ago after having absolutely no communication for about 4.5 months. Still knock me back but I bet it would be far worse if we started talking about the relationship. Going forward, for purposes of our communication whenever it happens, that relationship didn't exist.
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WoundedBibi
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 860


« Reply #31 on: May 10, 2016, 09:55:23 PM »

At some point of your healing process the focus needs to shift - shift off your exBPD and why she does the things she does (hint: you'll never know), and shift onto yourself - why you are keeping the texting r/s alive, for example. You not only chose to respond but then a few days later chose to assertively pursue an answer. I'm not judging you for that - the end of these r/s's are hard - but I think the points that 2010 makes are valid. They're not an attack, they're an attempt to shift the spotlight to discerning your motivation in continuing the contact and the drama.

Exactly that ^^^

And when posting for advice and opinions you know not everybody will have the same opinion.

Member 2010 has been known to give some REALLY sound and solid advice and in this case has a point too.

If you don't heal properly from your BPD relationship you are likely to make mistakes again. Whether it be with the same person (text, a possible recycle) or another pwBPD. You can only heal when you focus on you. Why did you fall for the pwBPD? What was your part in the relationship? What was your part in the demise of the relationship? What made you stay? What made you leave?

We all know the pain but the aim is to get over the pain and grow so we don't make the same mistakes again. Supporting each other and validating is part of that but also making each other think and giving each other a kick up the butt when needed so we don't get stuck.

If we just do the "my ex did blah blah blah" "YES! Mine too dude! What a b*tch!" "Yeah! It's all just a game to them!" "Yeah! You're so right! You go NC and show her who can play this game the best!" and never get past that not very adult level, we will never properly detach, we will not learn why we were in the relationship in the first place and we will be back here on this board when we have been through another recycle or another BPD relationship.

This board is meant for more then repeating our exes are evil monsters and how we hate them and what horrible things they did and then how we miss them again.
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Hadlee
formerly busygall
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 424


« Reply #32 on: May 10, 2016, 10:14:28 PM »

If we just do the "my ex did blah blah blah" "YES! Mine too dude! What a b*tch!" "Yeah! It's all just a game to them!" "Yeah! You're so right! You go NC and show her who can play this game the best!" and never get past that not very adult level, we will never properly detach, we will not learn why we were in the relationship in the first place and we will be back here on this board when we have been through another recycle or another BPD relationship.

I don't think venting like that indicates detachment hasn't taken place, or that we haven't looked at our own role in the relationship.  Speaking for myself, I've put in all the work to detach, asked myself the hard questions, and healed.  However, I also have moments of What the heck just happened there!  If I vent about a recent encounter with the BPD in which I'm confused about, it's merely to get feedback from other members in order to sort out the confusion.  By no means does it indicate I haven't detached, grown, and healed from the experience.
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WoundedBibi
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 860


« Reply #33 on: May 10, 2016, 10:31:11 PM »

If we just do the "my ex did blah blah blah" "YES! Mine too dude! What a b*tch!" "Yeah! It's all just a game to them!" "Yeah! You're so right! You go NC and show her who can play this game the best!" and never get past that not very adult level, we will never properly detach, we will not learn why we were in the relationship in the first place and we will be back here on this board when we have been through another recycle or another BPD relationship.

I don't think venting like that indicates detachment hasn't taken place, or that we haven't looked at our own role in the relationship.  Speaking for myself, I've put in all the work to detach, asked myself the hard questions, and healed.  However, I also have moments of What the heck just happened there!  If I vent about a recent encounter with the BPD in which I'm confused about, it's merely to get feedback from other members in order to sort out the confusion.  By no means does it indicate I haven't detached, grown, and healed from the experience.

We all have moments like that. And there is nothing wrong with moments like that. Especially when you have encounters you need to vent. As long as you do the other work too there is no issue. But I think it is odd (to say the least) that some members here expect people to always agree, to never hold up a mirror, to never ask "what about you?", to think being there for someone or support can only be shown by saying "poor confused you" instead of understanding that actually asking the difficult questions is being there too, is supporting someone too as it might actually bring someone further in their healing.

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2010
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 808


« Reply #34 on: May 11, 2016, 07:52:45 AM »

Bigmd, I understand what you are going through. What I wrote is an alternative view (as another possibility) that might be challenging, I agree. But this woman is asking you for honesty.

This is a trauma bond, and both of you are suffering from a lack of trust. The way out is to be honest about the behaviors that facilitate mistrust. Trust requires honesty.

Rather than use the word “games,” it’s important to catalogue actions and see them for what they represent.

Sending her a concerned text is nice, but with the prior history that you have, it is a glaring omission concerning what’s really going on in your life, which is that you are in a new relationship now, one which requires trust in order to survive.

I think you’d agree that taking a 1a.m. text from a former lover while the new lover remains unaware is a breach of trust- even if you are at your workplace.

Not closing the door to a past relationship, (one that has upset you greatly) and not allowing this person to be known to your new partner while you communicate with her back and forth in secrecy is also a breach of trust.

If you cannot block her number from your phone, and you continue the traumatic bond with her- then there must be a reason why. There must be a reason why you cannot bring her and your current partner into awareness of each other.

Honesty facilitates an outcome.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The new partner then has the information needed to make her own decisions concerning the triangulation that is taking place and the former partner may realize that a third party is involved- possibly distancing to the point that you may never hear from her again.

Excerpt
We do the normal small talk. And I should be honest with her as she has been honest with me. She adds that she's not playing games

There is a reason why she is asking you for honesty.

Excerpt
I'm not the problem here. I'm not obligated to tell her anything.

There also must be a reason why you feel under no obligation to provide it to her.  Thought


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