BPDFamily.com

My previous post was about my uNPD father.

My mother went into witch mode on mother's day weekend because she heard from my father that i said she abused me when I was a child, she did, and listed all my sins. My partner had tried to intervene on my behalf with my father regarding my ptsd which turned out to be a mistake. My father denies I have it because I am not a combat veteran and my mother thinks I'm making it up to opt out of life.

I was shocked at the hatred and vileness she was spewing in my direction, accusing me of thinking I was the prodigal son, and listing all my sins, some of which I didn't commit, and telling me I should've known better. Nobody should have to read that kind of stuff. She left me an even worse voice mail which I sent to my partner to listen to verify for me that I should not listen to it. My partner told me my father told him he could hear mother yelling at me on the phone from downstairs.

There is some very strange stuff going on my family these days.

I don't know what's triggering all this.

I had to set a limit with my partner and tell him to stop talking to my dad about my ptsd, that it was not doing any good.

The reason why stuff is getting stirred up is because of this probate case. It appears my aunt took a vindictive action against me which caused me to lose part of my income which turned my whole life upside down. When I let my father know this happened as a result of this probate case he decided to send me a check to cover my dental expenses which would've taken two years to pay off.

I had shared recently that my mother had expected me to be empathetic to her for her recent oral surgery but then when I ended up having to undergo my oral surgery she had no sympathy for me at all. In fact she even whined to my father that she had no one to cover her dental expenses. Hello? She's married to my father.

I am in shock and disbelief at the nastiness of my mother.

I mean its a no brainer considering she abused me as a child but because she still denies that I suppose I bought into the FOG.

Also for a very long time my partner and my ex distracted me from the real issues at hand in my life which include my mother.

I am sorry your mother's words are affecting you so unicorn2014


It seems your dad is only aware of 1 type of PTSD, the sudden shock type related to time-limited trauma. He seems unaware of cPTSD caused by chronic trauma or simply does not want to or is unable to recognize what you've been through as trauma.


Did you ask your partner to talk to your father about your PTSD or was did something your partner decided to without your knowledge?


So you did get this help from your dad. How does it make you feel to receive help from him knowing how difficult his behavior is at other times?


Do you think it could perhaps be that it in a way it was also easier to focus more on the problems your partner and ex caused instead of your mother? Seeing our parents for who and what they really are can be very hard. Accepting the reality of BPD and having a disordered parent isn't easy. That your mother denies being abusive can also lead you to doubt yourself and your perception of what happened. Also when you are raised this way, even when you find certain things unpleasant, it is still al you know and are used so in a way feels 'normal'. This can make it hard to really see just how abusive the situation was.

He does not want to recognize what I've been true as trauma. He thinks because I'm sighted and my brother is not that I had everything I needed to succeed in life.


It was my partner's idea, not mine, however he was trying to help me. I think he ran it by me beforehand. I did talk to him after and tell him it wasn't a good idea and he agreed and said he wouldn't do it again.



My partner told me his motivation for helping me was self interest and I believe him. I believe another member of this board said my dad was controlling and I agree. I deposited the check and paid my dental bill but I do not at all feel good about my parents or my relationship with them.

I know that I am having a really hard time processing the fact that my parents deny I have a problem. For me that pretty much has forced me to go no contact with them at this point. Its very sad.

Hey, unicorn2014,

I'm sorry to hear it's been rough for you with your mother, too. I think in many ways it can be harder to come to terms with the fact that the non-PDd parent also has problematic behaviors. I know for me, I didn't want to see how manipulative and controlling my father is for a long time. I knew my mother had a PD but I held out hope that my dad would someday step up and hear me and validate me. It's good you value yourself enough to choose not to allow abusive contact.

It sounds like this incident may have opened your eyes a bit to reality. I have had similar situations with my dad that helped me accept he is who he is and will not change into someone I want him to be. I know it can be painful.

Wishing you peace,

PF

Thank you. I reached out to my dad yesterday and he ignored  me and to make matters worse my daughters friends dad triggered me yesterday because he got blisteringly mad at his daughter . I actually woke up in the middle of the night because I feel so unsafe .Yesterday I also got a phone call from my attorneys assistant which triggered me as well. Finally I tried to resolve this legal matter with my aunt and she wanted nothing to do with it. When I explained to her my father compelled me to take legal action when I didn't want to she didn't want to hear it . She told me I was my own person. She had zero empathy for me. She is my father's half sister and think he's abusive to her but has no compassion for me. My dads side of the family is very selfish except for my deceased grandmother . It's really pushing me .

That sounds like a lot to deal with at once. When I'm under stress from one thing, even little things can seem a lot bigger and it's more challenging to cope. Do you have a therapist or someone you can check in with? What do you do to help yourself feel centered and safe?

What do you think about your aunt's assertion that you are your own person? Is there any validity to that?

I have an appointment with a new therapist a week from Monday. I try to get enough sleep, watch my diet, do yoga, read spiritual material, pray.
I think my aunt's assertion is false. She never stood up to my dad and now she expects me to. She never stood up for me either. I was told that what she said was being filtered through her lawyer. I tried to put a stop to this lawsuit and I couldn't. I have always been my own person and made my own decisions since I was 18. I never remarried after my divorce, my aunt did. She is the one who is not her own person, not me.

Hi Unicorn,

How are you doing today? Here's a hug for you. 

I feel for your pain and constant triggering and am so sorry. Look at how resilient you are being, even when you don't perceive that you are!  |iiii It's really hard to center oneself when the domino effect takes place, isn't it? In my own experience, when I'm triggered by an event, and then another, and another, I too struggle with finding a safe place to rest both physically and mentally. When I get like that, I take time to go into my safe place inside of myself and rest for a bit. I believe P.F. Change mentioned this in one of the Self Soothing posts too. I'm fairly new to finding this safe place in the past months with the help of my T, but it is very safe and quiet and restful.


It sounds like you are pulling many healthy tools out of your toolbox to use. Good for you!  :)

 
Wools

Hi Wools I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now due to a crisis my daughter's friend is going through on top of my probate case. I'm also dealing with some conflicted issues, which are a constant backdrop to the other problems in my life.

On a more positive note today I got an email from my dad with some pictures and when I went to open them they weren't pictures of my  mother but of a painting he saw at the museum and its description. I felt encouraged by that.

So yesterday I checked out the book Nasty People by Jay Carter and have already read the first chapter about the invalidator. Today I got hurt by mom, yet again. I made the mistake of telling her my bike got stolen and she in turn shamed me for being low income. I reminded her that she bought my nephew a bike and my brother is definitely not low income. Both my daughter and I have had our bikes stolen. Then I found out my mom accused me of sibling rivalry behind my back to another person. I was shocked. My whole life I had believed my mother's lies about me and today for some reason they just didn't work. I have no sibling rivalry with my brother.
I feel quite unsettled to know that my whole life my mother has been telling me lies about myself.
I blocked  her again on my iPhone and next month if she sends me a check I will not text her a thank you, I will send her a thank you card in the mail.
My dad also recently sent another family photo, from my parents wedding, with my aunts, my grandma, my great grandma and my grandpa. When I asked him where my other grandmother was he ignored me. I have no idea why he's sending me these pictures but they are definitely triggering.
My dad told me that people have told him many times that he is nasty, and other people have told me he is nasty including my mother and my aunts, however it is my mom who is the liar.
It is ironic, today my daughter's friend asked me why I didn't cut my parents off. I could send my dad's email to the junk folder however that seems a bit extreme just because he sends me family photos... .

Hi Unicorn,

I think it’s natural to feel duped big time, when finding out your mom lied about you. Family loyalty should be the strongest loyalty, but with a BPD it’s the opposite. I found that hard to accept also. But the fact you weren’t drawn into the sibling rivalry thing is excellent. A good sign.

Your decision not to text back also makes sense. Would be helpful to know why the photos triggered you, maybe that’s why there were sent, to draw you back in ? My BPD uses her spouse as a flying monkey, so ... .

The point about cutting the family off, a Therapist once told me, if we just avoid all triggers, we could become weaker, become one of those people that’s scare to leave the house or open a brown enveloped (in my country they tend to be bills). But then my T would say that because I pay her. Anyway good to see you’re healing.

My dad emailed the photos. The photos triggered me because they were photos of my parents wedding where I was present. I don't know why my dad emailed me. When I asked him he gave no explanation.

I have never cut my family off. I blocked my mother because when I text her I get in trouble. I'm thinking about sending my fathers emails to junk but family photos aren't junk. I have a problem, obviously. I suppose I could ask him not to send me anymore family photos.

Hi unicorn2014


If I'm not mistaken, piecing together the timeline it seems your father started sending you these family pics after your partner talked to him about your (c)PTSD. Is this indeed correct? And if it is, do you perhaps feel that him sending you these pics might be his (and possibly your mother's) way of saying that your family life was great so you really could not have been traumatized by your parent's behavior?


Since you find these pictures triggering, I think it is very wise to look at ways for you to better manage these triggers. Blocking certain senders or automatically letting mails go the the 'junk' folder are two ways of dealing with triggering e-mails. Another option is indeed directly asking your father not to send these pics. This last option that you suggested yourself is an assertive way to deal with this issue head-on.


I think HappyChappy makes a very important general point about how avoiding all triggers could potentially make us weaker. Total avoidance might be necessary in certain scenarios, but even then the situation might still arise that you will unexpectedly find yourself dealing with a certain trigger. When that happens it greatly helps to have rehearsed strategies in your head for dealing with your triggers.

Nope, my dad started sending me those pics after the probate case was filed. He's mad at his sister for cutting me off so he's doing these little passive aggressive things. I don't know why he's sending them to me, I can't do anything about the situation.
So today I had a problem with my brother. The  bike my dad paid for got stolen on Thursday and I finally got upset today and posted about it on Facebook. My brother texted me and told me that our father never bought him anything . Then I thought "geez, do I have to block my brother too?" Then I realized I just can't talk about my feelings on Facebook because I'll hear about from my brother.




I can't think of a good reason to ask my father not to send family photos.

Well I realized I definitely can't post about my feelings on Facebook because then I get texts like the one above from my brother.
Some say that my mother instigates foment between my brother and I and feeds that sibling rivalry she claims I have.

Oh my mom is clever. She hooked me again. This time she told me she wanted to host a sweet 16 for my daughter at my apt. I told her no. Then she said on the lawn. I said no. This is the same mom who accused me of living in public housing. I told her I'd look into the community center down the street. Then she asked me what my daughter wanted. I said how should I know, you never threw me a teenager party so how do I know what teenagers want. My daughter of course wants to get high for her birthday. I told her my mother would not approve of that. This ought to be fun.

How did she "hook" you?  Sounds like you stated some boundaries.


Would you approve of that?

She hooked me by texting me.


What do you think?

Have you thought about the following possible choices:

• You can choose to block texting from her
• Just ignore the text (without even reading it). 
• Read the text and not respond.

Yes she was blocked, I unblocked her, now she wants to throw a sweet 16 for my daughter.

I guess the question I have is how did that hook or trigger you? Were you thinking about her lack of caring when you were a teen and she wasn't interested in throwing you a party? Or that you wanted to host and she was stealing your thunder? Or that daughter doesn't need/want a party and mom being intrusive? The other thought that always comes to mind for me now is that your mom can't MAKE you feel anything. We all have buttons, sure, and your mom knows how to push them. But she truly can't get into your brain and force you to react or think or feel the same way. It took me awhile to fully understand that myself!

I wouldn't want to assume  :) :) :) What do you think?

Yes

Absolutely not! I am an introvert and am not interested in hosting a party in my apt!

That my mom should have asked daughter first.

Yes I understand, I was getting sloppy with my language. Its 82º, I'm dizzy and my daughter's in bed. Trying my best here. Going through an ACA relapse and being real hard on myself, plus setting boundaries with my boyfriend so things are kind of in flux.



Are you serious? I am totally against substance abuse. I got my daughter into counseling for it.

Gotcha. What do you think your mom's motivation is for hosting the party? I haven't been on the boards much lately so I'm sorry if I don't know the details... .is your mom close to your daughter? 

I hope things cool off for you too--90s here 

no! She painted her black. Over spring break my daughter was supposed to meet my mother at her work and not only did my mother not give her the name and address of her work, she didn't give her directions. My daughter had to call my brother and find her way across the city to his house. She stopped in the park along the way to get high and then got lost. When I told my mother she blamed me! I think I'm going to block her so she can't send me anymore texts. This will be the third time I've blocked her.


Thanks I'm working on my balcony container garden. I found a spider in my cucumber, a mushroom in my oregano, and have to transplant my basil. Fun.

I think BuzyBee and I were wondering if your daughter actually stated to you that "she wants to get high on her birthday", or was that something you anticipated based on her prior behavior.  We understand that sobriety is important to you.


It is okay to adjust your boundaries, by blocking and unbocking.  It is, also, okay to ignore a text, when mom is unblocked.  You have the power to make a choice.

Sorry for the snark.
Yes she stated to me she did. I wouldn't lie about that online.


Thank you. She snagged me with a photo of some memorial so I responded , she ignored, I called, then she dropped the bomb. I emailed my manager and asked him if I could have a party either inside, on the lawn or with a band.

UNICORN2014:
I never though you were lying .  I was thinking maybe some sarcastic humor, as it can be hard to determine with someone you don't know well. I tend to like humor, so sometime I might think I see it, when I don't.
 

You can always assume its snark with me. Honesty is one of my top three strengths. Unfortunately I suppose sarcasm is one of my top three weakness if there is such a thing. I try to watch it online as it doesn't translate well.

Hello Unicorn and I hope you have found some calm waters in the stormy sea by now,
I agree with the others about you being able to choose not to respond to text messages.
I also think that if your mother wants to throw a party, she can organize it herself. What do you think ? Why would it have to be in your apt ? I also think you are the only one being able to decide if there will be a party or not. You are the legal guardian of your daughter.
Setting boundaries is difficult, especially when there is so much else going on ... .

It wouldn't have to be in my apt and I told her no before I asked my manager. Today my mother sent me a card with a check and in it she said "congratulations on winning a commission". I won nothing, a parishioner liked my work and offered me a commission. I of course had to call her and correct her. She did not answer, as usual. I would like it if I no longer cared about  the digs she made. Then she made some kind of comment about "now that my daughter and I are both working I won't complain about the necessary heritage case". That made me mad! She's the one who drove my dad to find an attorney. She never liked my grandmother and accused my grandmother of not liking her. Now she's making me and my brother fight for my dad's inheritance. Of course we will get it because he messed up so badly that he can't fight for his own inheritance. Am I grateful for this? no!

So no calm today as I am both detaching from my boyfriend and coping with my mother.

I'm going to have to block her again.
I told her I was diagnosed with lightheadedness and emotional stress, am getting blood drawn for my thyroid tomorrow for dizziness and giddiness plus 3 vials of blood drawn for CBC, comprehensive metabolic and lipid panel for  my ptsd . I left this on a message. I expect no response.
I have to fast 10-12 hours and get four vials of blood drawn and all she cares about is my daughter's party in October?
I called my ex husband and told him there is a 1% chance I might get hospitalized for exhaustion and asked him to come take care of our daughter in my apartment if that's the case. I doubt that's the case but I am having some serious medical problems right now and I want to prepare for all possible outcomes since I have a minor child.
My daughter did not want to go stay with her grandparents, her first choice was to have her father come here, and her second choice was to go stay with her uncle.
Geez.
I have found out my brother has an irregular heart rhythm and I know my nephew was born with a congenital heart defect. My first psychiatrist recommended I take coq10, reservatrol, b complex and fish oil in addition to my psychotropic medication to treat my complex ptsd. I have been taking those so when I took an EKG it was perfect, my blood pressure is low. My father is on blood pressure medication.
Someone mention my PTSD diagnosis is a blessing and I think they are right. Because of it I have been taking care of my  health for 10 years straight.
Today I made the decision to go off caffeine. My first psychiatrist had recommended this 10 years ago, at least lower it and now because of my lightheadedness I am going to go off it entirely until I get better.
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My mother sent me a card yesterday with my check and I wanted to read it to you. I feel angry when I think about it.



I feel so so so so angry when I read this.
I do not know what to do with it.
Suggestions?

Why am I angry?
Its full of LIES.
1. I did not win an art commission, a lady in my church hired because she liked my work.
2. I already launched my career in 2006/2007 when I was diagnosed with PTSD and felt I could not longer work in child development, which is what my degree is in.
3. I always do a good job! That is why I was hired!
4. The customer likes my work and that is why she hired me. In fact when she asked for watercolor and I told her I paint in acrylic she said that's fine!
5. Complaining about the necessary heirs lawsuit? Complaining? I've been diagnosed with lightheadedness and emotional stress because of this. I already have PTSD. The last thing I need is a legal battle!

Wow!


Oh and I had an emotional flashback in the tub when I was trying to lower my SUDS. I talked to my former therapist today and he told me to lower my SUDS. I was trying to meditate in the tub and I couldn't so I decided to submerge my head in the water, plug my ears and my nose and breathe through my mouth. Well, I used to be a synchronized and competitive swimmer and I had a flashback of my parents neglecting my swimming career! They felt I had Olympic potential, and I did win awards but they did NOTHING to get me to my goal!
I wanted to cry and I had to pull my head out of the water because I didn't want to feel that anymore!
Everything is triggering me. My daughter was comparing our should bones and putting pressure on mine and I had to tell her 'honey I'm in shock right now and I can't take that'
Wow!

In fact after I called my mother I disassociated and now I can't find my phone and I'm sitting right here at my desk!
I've been disassociating all night, I'm like what the heck is going on?
I know what's going on, my landlord asked me for proof my aunt stopped the payments from my grandmother and I had to contact my lawyers and that sent me into a tail spin... .

It is not good for someone with PTSD to have a lawsuit... .

However I trust my attorney, so, my attorneys want me to fight, so I will... .

I feel like a solider who has PTSD who has to go back on the battlefield... .

Its never been this bad in 10 years... .

It hasn't been this bad since I was a teenager and ran away to a youth shelter asking help for my ideation... .

I dropped my phone on the floor after calling my mother... .

I wouldn't respond.  Her message is abusive.  Why validate that? Any response  (using SET, and  BIFF or whatever) would escalate.  That is,  she would respond,  further triggering you,  and hurting you.  I know you feel the need to respond, but can you sleep on it?  -I'd be angry,  to.  However,  anger feeds anger... .I always think of that old Star Trek episode where the alien entity manipulated the crew and the Klingons to hate each other.

That was my card with my money in it that she took over after my aunt stopped it. I already sent my mom a registration form for a room at the community center and a thank you letter.
My mom to this day denies that she is abusive.
Thank you so much for validating it.
Finally!

Oh I am Klingon, when I take Star Trek tests, so, good thing not to anger me more. I have to really fight against saying "made me angry".

Thank you so much for responding!

"Made me angry" right.  You know.

When my mom about 4 years ago in a roundabout way said I hadn't made anything of myself, I was angry. Ditto for when she was living with us earlier this year and she criticized my parenting skills. I got very angry both times.  Taking a pause and not responding gave me space to realize a lot of it was just her projections. Responding according to my instinct would have brought me down to her level and resulted in more conflict.  Sleeping on it and ignoring bought me another day.  Both for me to calm down,  and her mood to change.  Taking a pause cash help.

My mother isn't moody, she's mean. She's a witch.
Well she's blocked now. She can leave me a message if she needs to talk to me.

I wanted to update this thread rather then start a new one as it still has to do with my mom.

 I started reading this book about mothers that do not love their daughters and then I started talking to the author and I realized that wasn't my problem. My mom does love me, and she also abused and abuses me. Well, one of the things my mom does to show me love is give me gifts. Now it was pointed out to me that my love type is the kind that really responds well to receiving gifts. Well, two of the necklaces that my mother gave me have broken within the last 24 hours, one a rose quartz strand with carved roses and polished beads and two, a metal  collar type necklace with a heart with a butterfly on it.
I have done this before as a teenager, broke necklaces because my energy was so intense. I have also wilted miniature rose plants with my intense anger. That's not magical thinking, I believe in metaphysical stuff like chakras and energy, etc.

I am happy to say today I have a thriving herb and vegetable garden on my balcony and a teenage daughter that is doing well in school and now has her first job, so I have very strong nurturing energy, however I still have this destructive energy in me.
I value the gifts my mother gives me, and, I value her love, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, however I am also hurt by it. I looked at my long term transits (sorry if astrology offends anyone) and I saw that I am having a very difficult time from December 2015 to October 2016. That corresponds with when my grandmother died to when my daughter's 16th birthday will be for which my mom wants to throw a party.
I still am not going to unblock her on my phone and I did mark my dad's email as junk because I really need to heal however I also want to forgive my mother.
It is very difficult for me to turn anger into compassion, however I want to have compassion for my mother because I don't want to harbor this destructive energy inside of me.
I believe it is true when it is said that resentment is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to croak.
In my case I have justified anger however for my personality that is not healthy.
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I know there are some members on this board who seem to have come to a healthier more peaceful place with their mothers.
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How did you do it?
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Also I was told by this author not to diagnose my mom however that is what we all do here so that we can heal, isn't it? I more see my mom as a borderline mother then a mean mother... .

Hi Unicorn.  I've been keeping up with your threads as much as possible to understand your situation.  This certainly does seem like a very difficult time for you and you have my support and sympathy.

As I've read your posts, I get the impression that you keep going back to your family expecting them to hear, understand and accept your feelings and positions on many things.  You are seeking validation and support from people who have failed you miserably in the past, continue to do so in the present and the chances of anything different happening in the future are practically nil.  So while blocking people on your phone and not reading emails are all good protective measures to take, what do you think about changing more things at your end?  Changing your expecations?  Changing your perfectly normal and natural hope for love, being heard and understood and validated by them?  You, like so many of us, are seeking them to do things and be something they are incapable of being.

I know you are familar with radical acceptance.  Have you tried using RA to helop you break the dysfunction at your end?  It just seems to me that you are caught in a cycle of hurt.  I see you making such progress and making huge strides in terms of awareness of both your situation and insight into your own self it is heartwarming but these things can only take you so far.  What do you think of trying to do things differently at your end and imposing boundaries on your own self to further your healing?

If what I wrote rings true, great.  If not, please disregard.

Hi again.  I forgot to add that while I understand that you want to forgive your mother, forgiveness will not happen until you accept and work through the pain and hurt.  Part of that acceptance is accepting that she is who she is and most likely will never admit that she has been abusive to you. 

My mother abused me.  She loved me dearly.  Her love for me does not change the fact that she was a terrible mother and had a horrible mental illness.  The BPD label fits well, but the label stopped mattering to me a long time ago.  What it did do was give me a place to start in terms of understanding and seeing the damage.  Beyond that, it had/has little value to my situation.

Hi Harri, I'm not going back to my family, they dragged me back in. I spoke to my coach about this and that is what she told me. I only need to have a relationship with my attorneys at this point not my brother or my parents.

I appreciate what you are saying. I know that is what I need to work on. It is hard. I sent my dad a picture of my daughter before I marked his email as junk.

Today I actually found myself recognizing that even walking behind fathers with their children on the street is a trigger.
You have probably read my threads about my recent diagnosis of lightheadedness and emotional stress. I saw my nurse yesterday and she said it was not medication side effects, it was actually due to all the stress I'm under. I had talked to her about lowering the dose of my medication and she said she didn't think it was a good idea until I got through my legal appointment and my daughter's medical appointments so we will revisit that topic when I see her again at the end of the month. I am also imitating a therapeutic separation with my ex fiancé and will be writing about that on the staying board.

Thank you Harri. As I mentioned in my previous thread I came across this article called 4 lies unloving mothers tell their daughters so I looked the author up and ending up getting in a conversation with her about her book. She told me that money, clothes and jewelry weren't love but my love type says otherwise. I am the love type who feels loved with gifts so my mother knows how to love me but she also knows how to hurt me. All the gifts my mother gives me are meaningful, they are not cheap store bought items, they are handcrafted, one of a kind, artisan items.
Basically my mother has bullied me my whole life and I have fought back. Then I recreated that dynamic in my relationship which I am now trying to engage in a therapeutic situation. I left home at 18, divorced my  husband and am now trying to separate from my fiancé. I don't respond well to bullying, I get really aggressive when somebody tries to bully me. My mom is a witch. She physically abused me when I was a child and now she emotionally abuses me as an adult.
My daughter doesn't even want her to rent a room and throw her a party. She wants her to use that money towards her car fund. I told her she needs to work that stuff out with her mother, I'm not getting in the middle of that.
I appreciate saying what you are saying about forgiving.

I am going to challenge you on this.  They are trying their best to drag you back in because that is what dysfunctional families do when they see one member trying to break away.  Sending you an email, a photo, making a provoking facebook post, planning a party, or even a lawsuit can not drag you back in unless you allow yourself to be dragged back in.  You are not being forced to do, respond, look at or anything else when these things happen.  They throw out the bait and you take it.  Maybe you are expecting them to stop throwing out bait?  To stop provokng you?  To stop being who they have proven themselves to be?

 Please clarify this for me.  It sounds like you are saying that your coach told you your parents/family are dragging you back in.  If that is correct, and she did not mean they are *trying* to drag you back in  I would suggest finding a different coach, one who is not teaching you that you are helpless in the face of their actions.  I don't know you, but you come across as a very intelligent and highly capable person.  You can choose to not respond to not get involved, to not take the bait.  You may have to sit on your hands, bite your tongue or beat up a pillow or mattress, but you do have choices here.

I wrote the above in a very direct manner.  I am reminded of a saying I used to have at the bottom of my posts:  I will celebrate your joys, I will comfort you in times of sorrow, but I refuse to validate your self-defeat.  It sounds harsh, but I assure you it is said with nothing but kindness, empathy and a belief that you are worth far more than you are giving yourself here.


This I can agree with.

I understand stress and illness very well.  We all have things to deal with that make life more challenging.  About a year ago I lost touch with that spark that kept me fighting until recently.  I finally got back to where I can say quite clearly and with strength that I am not going to let myself be defined by my circumstances or the abusive actions of others.  It feels good to have that defiant and fierce fighting spirit back.  It sounds to me like you have that same spirit.  Nurture it and take care of it.

Hi harri, when I described my situation regarding the inheritance lawsuit to my job coach she told me they are dragging me back in. She is a highly qualified professional who helps women get back into the work force after a life transition, in my case my daughter maturing. She also created an organization to help veterans transfer back to civilian life. She works at the local job center running workshops. She actually set up a business plan for me as an artist . I trust her judgment and so does the professional community. Thank you for your time. I appreciate your input.

Good morning Unicorn.  That is quite a resume your coach has. Obviously you feel confident in her abilities to help you get back in the workforce and it sounds like your confidence is well placed in her skills in these areas.  

I stilll question the wisdom and value of her assessment of your families ability to 'drag you back in' but I do not want our conversation to get derailed.  Seems we have very different perspectives on this part and that's okay.  Can you see anyway we can continue to discuss this in spite of our differing opinions? (BTW, I do see and understand that I am assessing only one comment out of what I assume are thousands said during your meetings.)  If my comments do not fit for you, speak your peace (as you did) and disregard.  I am not too invested in my quick assessment of your coaches comment.  I am however, very invested in looking at dealing with the dysfunction we all grew up with and doing so in a way that acknowledges the abuse and scars but empowers us at the same time.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Be well.