My mother...

[unicorn2014]

My previous post was about my uNPD father.

My mother went into witch mode on mother's day weekend because she heard from my father that i said she abused me when I was a child, she did, and listed all my sins. My partner had tried to intervene on my behalf with my father regarding my ptsd which turned out to be a mistake. My father denies I have it because I am not a combat veteran and my mother thinks I'm making it up to opt out of life.

I was shocked at the hatred and vileness she was spewing in my direction, accusing me of thinking I was the prodigal son, and listing all my sins, some of which I didn't commit, and telling me I should've known better. Nobody should have to read that kind of stuff. She left me an even worse voice mail which I sent to my partner to listen to verify for me that I should not listen to it. My partner told me my father told him he could hear mother yelling at me on the phone from downstairs.

There is some very strange stuff going on my family these days.

I don't know what's triggering all this.

I had to set a limit with my partner and tell him to stop talking to my dad about my ptsd, that it was not doing any good.

The reason why stuff is getting stirred up is because of this probate case. It appears my aunt took a vindictive action against me which caused me to lose part of my income which turned my whole life upside down. When I let my father know this happened as a result of this probate case he decided to send me a check to cover my dental expenses which would've taken two years to pay off.

I had shared recently that my mother had expected me to be empathetic to her for her recent oral surgery but then when I ended up having to undergo my oral surgery she had no sympathy for me at all. In fact she even whined to my father that she had no one to cover her dental expenses. Hello? She's married to my father.

I am in shock and disbelief at the nastiness of my mother.

I mean its a no brainer considering she abused me as a child but because she still denies that I suppose I bought into the FOG.

Also for a very long time my partner and my ex distracted me from the real issues at hand in my life which include my mother.

[Kwamina]

I am sorry your mother's words are affecting you so unicorn2014

My father denies I have it because I am not a combat veteran and my mother thinks I'm making it up to opt out of life.

It seems your dad is only aware of 1 type of PTSD, the sudden shock type related to time-limited trauma. He seems unaware of cPTSD caused by chronic trauma or simply does not want to or is unable to recognize what you've been through as trauma.

I had to set a limit with my partner and tell him to stop talking to my dad about my ptsd, that it was not doing any good.

Did you ask your partner to talk to your father about your PTSD or was did something your partner decided to without your knowledge?

When I let my father know this happened as a result of this probate case he decided to send me a check to cover my dental expenses which would've taken two years to pay off.

So you did get this help from your dad. How does it make you feel to receive help from him knowing how difficult his behavior is at other times?

I mean its a no brainer considering she abused me as a child but because she still denies that I suppose I bought into the FOG.

Also for a very long time my partner and my ex distracted me from the real issues at hand in my life which include my mother.

Do you think it could perhaps be that it in a way it was also easier to focus more on the problems your partner and ex caused instead of your mother? Seeing our parents for who and what they really are can be very hard. Accepting the reality of BPD and having a disordered parent isn't easy. That your mother denies being abusive can also lead you to doubt yourself and your perception of what happened. Also when you are raised this way, even when you find certain things unpleasant, it is still al you know and are used so in a way feels 'normal'. This can make it hard to really see just how abusive the situation was.

[unicorn2014]

I am sorry your mother's words are affecting you so unicorn2014

My father denies I have it because I am not a combat veteran and my mother thinks I'm making it up to opt out of life.

It seems your dad is only aware of 1 type of PTSD, the sudden shock type related to time-limited trauma. He seems unaware of cPTSD caused by chronic trauma or simply does not want to or is unable to recognize what you've been through as trauma.

He does not want to recognize what I've been true as trauma. He thinks because I'm sighted and my brother is not that I had everything I needed to succeed in life.

I had to set a limit with my partner and tell him to stop talking to my dad about my ptsd, that it was not doing any good.

Did you ask your partner to talk to your father about your PTSD or was did something your partner decided to without your knowledge?

It was my partner's idea, not mine, however he was trying to help me. I think he ran it by me beforehand. I did talk to him after and tell him it wasn't a good idea and he agreed and said he wouldn't do it again.

When I let my father know this happened as a result of this probate case he decided to send me a check to cover my dental expenses which would've taken two years to pay off.

So you did get this help from your dad. How does it make you feel to receive help from him knowing how difficult his behavior is at other times?

My partner told me his motivation for helping me was self interest and I believe him. I believe another member of this board said my dad was controlling and I agree. I deposited the check and paid my dental bill but I do not at all feel good about my parents or my relationship with them.

I mean its a no brainer considering she abused me as a child but because she still denies that I suppose I bought into the FOG.

Also for a very long time my partner and my ex distracted me from the real issues at hand in my life which include my mother.

Do you think it could perhaps be that it in a way it was also easier to focus more on the problems your partner and ex caused instead of your mother? Seeing our parents for who and what they really are can be very hard. Accepting the reality of BPD and having a disordered parent isn't easy. That your mother denies being abusive can also lead you to doubt yourself and your perception of what happened. Also when you are raised this way, even when you find certain things unpleasant, it is still al you know and are used so in a way feels 'normal'. This can make it hard to really see just how abusive the situation was.

I know that I am having a really hard time processing the fact that my parents deny I have a problem. For me that pretty much has forced me to go no contact with them at this point. Its very sad.

[P.F.Change]

Hey, unicorn2014,

I'm sorry to hear it's been rough for you with your mother, too. I think in many ways it can be harder to come to terms with the fact that the non-PDd parent also has problematic behaviors. I know for me, I didn't want to see how manipulative and controlling my father is for a long time. I knew my mother had a PD but I held out hope that my dad would someday step up and hear me and validate me. It's good you value yourself enough to choose not to allow abusive contact.

It sounds like this incident may have opened your eyes a bit to reality. I have had similar situations with my dad that helped me accept he is who he is and will not change into someone I want him to be. I know it can be painful.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[unicorn2014]

Thank you. I reached out to my dad yesterday and he ignored  me and to make matters worse my daughters friends dad triggered me yesterday because he got blisteringly mad at his daughter . I actually woke up in the middle of the night because I feel so unsafe .Yesterday I also got a phone call from my attorneys assistant which triggered me as well. Finally I tried to resolve this legal matter with my aunt and she wanted nothing to do with it. When I explained to her my father compelled me to take legal action when I didn't want to she didn't want to hear it . She told me I was my own person. She had zero empathy for me. She is my father's half sister and think he's abusive to her but has no compassion for me. My dads side of the family is very selfish except for my deceased grandmother . It's really pushing me .

[P.F.Change]

That sounds like a lot to deal with at once. When I'm under stress from one thing, even little things can seem a lot bigger and it's more challenging to cope. Do you have a therapist or someone you can check in with? What do you do to help yourself feel centered and safe?

What do you think about your aunt's assertion that you are your own person? Is there any validity to that?

[unicorn2014]

That sounds like a lot to deal with at once. When I'm under stress from one thing, even little things can seem a lot bigger and it's more challenging to cope. Do you have a therapist or someone you can check in with? What do you do to help yourself feel centered and safe?

What do you think about your aunt's assertion that you are your own person? Is there any validity to that?

I have an appointment with a new therapist a week from Monday. I try to get enough sleep, watch my diet, do yoga, read spiritual material, pray.
I think my aunt's assertion is false. She never stood up to my dad and now she expects me to. She never stood up for me either. I was told that what she said was being filtered through her lawyer. I tried to put a stop to this lawsuit and I couldn't. I have always been my own person and made my own decisions since I was 18. I never remarried after my divorce, my aunt did. She is the one who is not her own person, not me.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Unicorn,

How are you doing today? Here's a hug for you. 

I feel for your pain and constant triggering and am so sorry. Look at how resilient you are being, even when you don't perceive that you are!  It's really hard to center oneself when the domino effect takes place, isn't it? In my own experience, when I'm triggered by an event, and then another, and another, I too struggle with finding a safe place to rest both physically and mentally. When I get like that, I take time to go into my safe place inside of myself and rest for a bit. I believe P.F. Change mentioned this in one of the Self Soothing posts too. I'm fairly new to finding this safe place in the past months with the help of my T, but it is very safe and quiet and restful.

I have an appointment with a new therapist a week from Monday. I try to get enough sleep, watch my diet, do yoga, read spiritual material, pray.

It sounds like you are pulling many healthy tools out of your toolbox to use. Good for you! 

 
Wools

[unicorn2014]

Hi Unicorn,

How are you doing today? Here's a hug for you. 

Hi Wools I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now due to a crisis my daughter's friend is going through on top of my probate case. I'm also dealing with some conflicted issues, which are a constant backdrop to the other problems in my life.

On a more positive note today I got an email from my dad with some pictures and when I went to open them they weren't pictures of my  mother but of a painting he saw at the museum and its description. I felt encouraged by that.

[unicorn2014]

So yesterday I checked out the book Nasty People by Jay Carter and have already read the first chapter about the invalidator. Today I got hurt by mom, yet again. I made the mistake of telling her my bike got stolen and she in turn shamed me for being low income. I reminded her that she bought my nephew a bike and my brother is definitely not low income. Both my daughter and I have had our bikes stolen. Then I found out my mom accused me of sibling rivalry behind my back to another person. I was shocked. My whole life I had believed my mother's lies about me and today for some reason they just didn't work. I have no sibling rivalry with my brother.
I feel quite unsettled to know that my whole life my mother has been telling me lies about myself.
I blocked  her again on my iPhone and next month if she sends me a check I will not text her a thank you, I will send her a thank you card in the mail.
My dad also recently sent another family photo, from my parents wedding, with my aunts, my grandma, my great grandma and my grandpa. When I asked him where my other grandmother was he ignored me. I have no idea why he's sending me these pictures but they are definitely triggering.
My dad told me that people have told him many times that he is nasty, and other people have told me he is nasty including my mother and my aunts, however it is my mom who is the liar.
It is ironic, today my daughter's friend asked me why I didn't cut my parents off. I could send my dad's email to the junk folder however that seems a bit extreme just because he sends me family photos... .

[HappyChappy]

Hi Unicorn,

I think it’s natural to feel duped big time, when finding out your mom lied about you. Family loyalty should be the strongest loyalty, but with a BPD it’s the opposite. I found that hard to accept also. But the fact you weren’t drawn into the sibling rivalry thing is excellent. A good sign.

Your decision not to text back also makes sense. Would be helpful to know why the photos triggered you, maybe that’s why there were sent, to draw you back in ? My BPD uses her spouse as a flying monkey, so ... .

The point about cutting the family off, a Therapist once told me, if we just avoid all triggers, we could become weaker, become one of those people that’s scare to leave the house or open a brown enveloped (in my country they tend to be bills). But then my T would say that because I pay her. Anyway good to see you’re healing.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Unicorn,

I think it’s natural to feel duped big time, when finding out your mom lied about you. Family loyalty should be the strongest loyalty, but with a BPD it’s the opposite. I found that hard to accept also. But the fact you weren’t drawn into the sibling rivalry thing is excellent. A good sign.

Your decision not to text back also makes sense. Would be helpful to know why the photos triggered you, maybe that’s why there were sent, to draw you back in ? My BPD uses her spouse as a flying monkey, so ... .

My dad emailed the photos. The photos triggered me because they were photos of my parents wedding where I was present. I don't know why my dad emailed me. When I asked him he gave no explanation.

The point about cutting the family off, a Therapist once told me, if we just avoid all triggers, we could become weaker, become one of those people that’s scare to leave the house or open a brown enveloped (in my country they tend to be bills). But then my T would say that because I pay her. Anyway good to see you’re healing.

I have never cut my family off. I blocked my mother because when I text her I get in trouble. I'm thinking about sending my fathers emails to junk but family photos aren't junk. I have a problem, obviously. I suppose I could ask him not to send me anymore family photos.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

My dad emailed the photos. The photos triggered me because they were photos of my parents wedding where I was present. I don't know why my dad emailed me. When I asked him he gave no explanation.

If I'm not mistaken, piecing together the timeline it seems your father started sending you these family pics after your partner talked to him about your (c)PTSD. Is this indeed correct? And if it is, do you perhaps feel that him sending you these pics might be his (and possibly your mother's) way of saying that your family life was great so you really could not have been traumatized by your parent's behavior?

I have never cut my family off. I blocked my mother because when I text her I get in trouble. I'm thinking about sending my fathers emails to junk but family photos aren't junk. I have a problem, obviously. I suppose I could ask him not to send me anymore family photos.

Since you find these pictures triggering, I think it is very wise to look at ways for you to better manage these triggers. Blocking certain senders or automatically letting mails go the the 'junk' folder are two ways of dealing with triggering e-mails. Another option is indeed directly asking your father not to send these pics. This last option that you suggested yourself is an assertive way to deal with this issue head-on.

The point about cutting the family off, a Therapist once told me, if we just avoid all triggers, we could become weaker, become one of those people that’s scare to leave the house or open a brown enveloped (in my country they tend to be bills). But then my T would say that because I pay her.

I think HappyChappy makes a very important general point about how avoiding all triggers could potentially make us weaker. Total avoidance might be necessary in certain scenarios, but even then the situation might still arise that you will unexpectedly find yourself dealing with a certain trigger. When that happens it greatly helps to have rehearsed strategies in your head for dealing with your triggers.

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn2014

My dad emailed the photos. The photos triggered me because they were photos of my parents wedding where I was present. I don't know why my dad emailed me. When I asked him he gave no explanation.

If I'm not mistaken, piecing together the timeline it seems your father started sending you these family pics after your partner talked to him about your (c)PTSD. Is this indeed correct? And if it is, do you perhaps feel that him sending you these pics might be his (and possibly your mother's) way of saying that your family life was great so you really could not have been traumatized by your parent's behavior?

Nope, my dad started sending me those pics after the probate case was filed. He's mad at his sister for cutting me off so he's doing these little passive aggressive things. I don't know why he's sending them to me, I can't do anything about the situation.
So today I had a problem with my brother. The  bike my dad paid for got stolen on Thursday and I finally got upset today and posted about it on Facebook. My brother texted me and told me that our father never bought him anything . Then I thought "geez, do I have to block my brother too?" Then I realized I just can't talk about my feelings on Facebook because I'll hear about from my brother.

I'm glad dad has bought you stuff worth over $600. When I pull that sh!t with him, he makes me pay him back. Good for you. Daddy's little girl.

Since you find these pictures triggering, I think it is very wise to look at ways for you to better manage these triggers. Blocking certain senders or automatically letting mails go the the 'junk' folder are two ways of dealing with triggering e-mails. Another option is indeed directly asking your father not to send these pics. This last option that you suggested yourself is an assertive way to deal with this issue head-on.

I can't think of a good reason to ask my father not to send family photos.

The point about cutting the family off, a Therapist once told me, if we just avoid all triggers, we could become weaker, become one of those people that’s scare to leave the house or open a brown enveloped (in my country they tend to be bills). But then my T would say that because I pay her.

I think HappyChappy makes a very important general point about how avoiding all triggers could potentially make us weaker. Total avoidance might be necessary in certain scenarios, but even then the situation might still arise that you will unexpectedly find yourself dealing with a certain trigger. When that happens it greatly helps to have rehearsed strategies in your head for dealing with your triggers.

Well I realized I definitely can't post about my feelings on Facebook because then I get texts like the one above from my brother.
Some say that my mother instigates foment between my brother and I and feeds that sibling rivalry she claims I have.

[unicorn2014]

Oh my mom is clever. She hooked me again. This time she told me she wanted to host a sweet 16 for my daughter at my apt. I told her no. Then she said on the lawn. I said no. This is the same mom who accused me of living in public housing. I told her I'd look into the community center down the street. Then she asked me what my daughter wanted. I said how should I know, you never threw me a teenager party so how do I know what teenagers want. My daughter of course wants to get high for her birthday. I told her my mother would not approve of that. This ought to be fun.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Oh my mom is clever. She hooked me again. This time she told me she wanted to host a sweet 16 for my daughter at my apt. I told her no. Then she said on the lawn. I said no

How did she "hook" you?  Sounds like you stated some boundaries.

My daughter of course wants to get high for her birthday. I told her my mother would not approve of that.

Would you approve of that?

[unicorn2014]

Oh my mom is clever. She hooked me again. This time she told me she wanted to host a sweet 16 for my daughter at my apt. I told her no. Then she said on the lawn. I said no

How did she "hook" you?  Sounds like you stated some boundaries.

She hooked me by texting me.

My daughter of course wants to get high for her birthday. I told her my mother would not approve of that.

Would you approve of that?

What do you think?

[Naughty Nibbler]

She hooked me by texting me.

Have you thought about the following possible choices:

• You can choose to block texting from her
• Just ignore the text (without even reading it). 
• Read the text and not respond.

[unicorn2014]

She hooked me by texting me.

Have you thought about the following possible choices:

• You can choose to block texting from her
• Just ignore the text (without even reading it). 
• Read the text and not respond.

Yes she was blocked, I unblocked her, now she wants to throw a sweet 16 for my daughter.

[busybee1116]

She hooked me by texting me.

I guess the question I have is how did that hook or trigger you? Were you thinking about her lack of caring when you were a teen and she wasn't interested in throwing you a party? Or that you wanted to host and she was stealing your thunder? Or that daughter doesn't need/want a party and mom being intrusive? The other thought that always comes to mind for me now is that your mom can't MAKE you feel anything. We all have buttons, sure, and your mom knows how to push them. But she truly can't get into your brain and force you to react or think or feel the same way. It took me awhile to fully understand that myself!

What do you think?

I wouldn't want to assume  What do you think?

[unicorn2014]

She hooked me by texting me.

I guess the question I have is how did that hook or trigger you? Were you thinking about her lack of caring when you were a teen and she wasn't interested in throwing you a party?

Yes

Or that you wanted to host and she was stealing your thunder?

Absolutely not! I am an introvert and am not interested in hosting a party in my apt!

 Or that daughter doesn't need/want a party and mom being intrusive?

That my mom should have asked daughter first.

 The other thought that always comes to mind for me now is that your mom can't MAKE you feel anything. We all have buttons, sure, and your mom knows how to push them. But she truly can't get into your brain and force you to react or think or feel the same way. It took me awhile to fully understand that myself!

Yes I understand, I was getting sloppy with my language. Its 82º, I'm dizzy and my daughter's in bed. Trying my best here. Going through an ACA relapse and being real hard on myself, plus setting boundaries with my boyfriend so things are kind of in flux.

What do you think?

I wouldn't want to assume  What do you think?

Are you serious? I am totally against substance abuse. I got my daughter into counseling for it.

[busybee1116]

Gotcha. What do you think your mom's motivation is for hosting the party? I haven't been on the boards much lately so I'm sorry if I don't know the details... .is your mom close to your daughter? 

I hope things cool off for you too--90s here 

[unicorn2014]

Gotcha. What do you think your mom's motivation is for hosting the party? I haven't been on the boards much lately so I'm sorry if I don't know the details... .is your mom close to your daughter? 

no! She painted her black. Over spring break my daughter was supposed to meet my mother at her work and not only did my mother not give her the name and address of her work, she didn't give her directions. My daughter had to call my brother and find her way across the city to his house. She stopped in the park along the way to get high and then got lost. When I told my mother she blamed me! I think I'm going to block her so she can't send me anymore texts. This will be the third time I've blocked her.

I hope things cool off for you too--90s here 

Thanks I'm working on my balcony container garden. I found a spider in my cucumber, a mushroom in my oregano, and have to transplant my basil. Fun.

[Naughty Nibbler]

UNICORN2014 :"My daughter of course wants to get high for her birthday. I told her my mother would not approve of that."

        BUSYBEE1116:  "I wouldn't want to assume.  What do you think? "

            UNICORN2014:  "Are you serious? I am totally against substance abuse. I got my daughter into counseling for it."

I think BuzyBee and I were wondering if your daughter actually stated to you that "she wants to get high on her birthday", or was that something you anticipated based on her prior behavior.  We understand that sobriety is important to you.

I'm going to block her so she can't send me anymore texts. This will be the third time I've blocked her.

It is okay to adjust your boundaries, by blocking and unbocking.  It is, also, okay to ignore a text, when mom is unblocked.  You have the power to make a choice.

[unicorn2014]

UNICORN2014 :"My daughter of course wants to get high for her birthday. I told her my mother would not approve of that."

        BUSYBEE1116:  "I wouldn't want to assume.  What do you think? "

            UNICORN2014:  "Are you serious? I am totally against substance abuse. I got my daughter into counseling for it."

I think BuzyBee and I were wondering if your daughter actually stated to you that "she wants to get high on her birthday", or was that something you anticipated based on her prior behavior.  We understand that sobriety is important to you.

Sorry for the snark.
Yes she stated to me she did. I wouldn't lie about that online.

I'm going to block her so she can't send me anymore texts. This will be the third time I've blocked her.

It is okay to adjust your boundaries, by blocking and unbocking.  It is, also, okay to ignore a text, when mom is unblocked.  You have the power to make a choice.

Thank you. She snagged me with a photo of some memorial so I responded , she ignored, I called, then she dropped the bomb. I emailed my manager and asked him if I could have a party either inside, on the lawn or with a band.

[Naughty Nibbler]

UNICORN2014 :"My daughter of course wants to get high for her birthday. I told her my mother would not approve of that."
        BUSYBEE1116:  "I wouldn't want to assume.  What do you think? "

            UNICORN2014:  "Are you serious? I am totally against substance abuse. I got my daughter into counseling for it."
                 NAUGHTYNIBBLER: I think BuzyBee and I were wondering if your daughter actually stated to you that "she wants to get high on her birthday", or was that something you anticipated based on her prior behavior.  We understand that sobriety is important to you.
 
                      UNICORN2014:Sorry for the snark.  Yes she stated to me she did. I wouldn't lie about that online.

UNICORN2014:
I never though you were lying .  I was thinking maybe some sarcastic humor, as it can be hard to determine with someone you don't know well. I tend to like humor, so sometime I might think I see it, when I don't.
 

[unicorn2014]

UNICORN2014 :"My daughter of course wants to get high for her birthday. I told her my mother would not approve of that."
        BUSYBEE1116:  "I wouldn't want to assume.  What do you think? "

            UNICORN2014:  "Are you serious? I am totally against substance abuse. I got my daughter into counseling for it."
                 NAUGHTYNIBBLER: I think BuzyBee and I were wondering if your daughter actually stated to you that "she wants to get high on her birthday", or was that something you anticipated based on her prior behavior.  We understand that sobriety is important to you.
 
                      UNICORN2014:Sorry for the snark.  Yes she stated to me she did. I wouldn't lie about that online.

UNICORN2014:
I never though you were lying .  I was thinking maybe some sarcastic humor, as it can be hard to determine with someone you don't know well. I tend to like humor, so sometime I might think I see it, when I don't.
 

You can always assume its snark with me. Honesty is one of my top three strengths. Unfortunately I suppose sarcasm is one of my top three weakness if there is such a thing. I try to watch it online as it doesn't translate well.

[Fie]

Hello Unicorn and I hope you have found some calm waters in the stormy sea by now,
I agree with the others about you being able to choose not to respond to text messages.
I also think that if your mother wants to throw a party, she can organize it herself. What do you think ? Why would it have to be in your apt ? I also think you are the only one being able to decide if there will be a party or not. You are the legal guardian of your daughter.
Setting boundaries is difficult, especially when there is so much else going on ... .

[unicorn2014]

Hello Unicorn and I hope you have found some calm waters in the stormy sea by now,
I agree with the others about you being able to choose not to respond to text messages.
I also think that if your mother wants to throw a party, she can organize it herself. What do you think ? Why would it have to be in your apt ? I also think you are the only one being able to decide if there will be a party or not. You are the legal guardian of your daughter.
Setting boundaries is difficult, especially when there is so much else going on ... .

It wouldn't have to be in my apt and I told her no before I asked my manager. Today my mother sent me a card with a check and in it she said "congratulations on winning a commission". I won nothing, a parishioner liked my work and offered me a commission. I of course had to call her and correct her. She did not answer, as usual. I would like it if I no longer cared about  the digs she made. Then she made some kind of comment about "now that my daughter and I are both working I won't complain about the necessary heritage case". That made me mad! She's the one who drove my dad to find an attorney. She never liked my grandmother and accused my grandmother of not liking her. Now she's making me and my brother fight for my dad's inheritance. Of course we will get it because he messed up so badly that he can't fight for his own inheritance. Am I grateful for this? no!

So no calm today as I am both detaching from my boyfriend and coping with my mother.

[unicorn2014]

I'm going to have to block her again.
I told her I was diagnosed with lightheadedness and emotional stress, am getting blood drawn for my thyroid tomorrow for dizziness and giddiness plus 3 vials of blood drawn for CBC, comprehensive metabolic and lipid panel for  my ptsd . I left this on a message. I expect no response.
I have to fast 10-12 hours and get four vials of blood drawn and all she cares about is my daughter's party in October?
I called my ex husband and told him there is a 1% chance I might get hospitalized for exhaustion and asked him to come take care of our daughter in my apartment if that's the case. I doubt that's the case but I am having some serious medical problems right now and I want to prepare for all possible outcomes since I have a minor child.
My daughter did not want to go stay with her grandparents, her first choice was to have her father come here, and her second choice was to go stay with her uncle.
Geez.
I have found out my brother has an irregular heart rhythm and I know my nephew was born with a congenital heart defect. My first psychiatrist recommended I take coq10, reservatrol, b complex and fish oil in addition to my psychotropic medication to treat my complex ptsd. I have been taking those so when I took an EKG it was perfect, my blood pressure is low. My father is on blood pressure medication.
Someone mention my PTSD diagnosis is a blessing and I think they are right. Because of it I have been taking care of my  health for 10 years straight.
Today I made the decision to go off caffeine. My first psychiatrist had recommended this 10 years ago, at least lower it and now because of my lightheadedness I am going to go off it entirely until I get better.
-----------
My mother sent me a card yesterday with my check and I wanted to read it to you. I feel angry when I think about it.

Dear Unicorn, Got your message you have won your first Art Commission! Congratulations. This could launch a career for you. Do a good job. Please the customer. Wash your paintbrushes. Now that you and Unicorn's daughter are both working you may stop complaining about the necessary heirs lawsuit. (or not... .) Love, Mom

I feel so so so so angry when I read this.
I do not know what to do with it.
Suggestions?

Why am I angry?
Its full of LIES.
1. I did not win an art commission, a lady in my church hired because she liked my work.
2. I already launched my career in 2006/2007 when I was diagnosed with PTSD and felt I could not longer work in child development, which is what my degree is in.
3. I always do a good job! That is why I was hired!
4. The customer likes my work and that is why she hired me. In fact when she asked for watercolor and I told her I paint in acrylic she said that's fine!
5. Complaining about the necessary heirs lawsuit? Complaining? I've been diagnosed with lightheadedness and emotional stress because of this. I already have PTSD. The last thing I need is a legal battle!

Wow!


Oh and I had an emotional flashback in the tub when I was trying to lower my SUDS. I talked to my former therapist today and he told me to lower my SUDS. I was trying to meditate in the tub and I couldn't so I decided to submerge my head in the water, plug my ears and my nose and breathe through my mouth. Well, I used to be a synchronized and competitive swimmer and I had a flashback of my parents neglecting my swimming career! They felt I had Olympic potential, and I did win awards but they did NOTHING to get me to my goal!
I wanted to cry and I had to pull my head out of the water because I didn't want to feel that anymore!
Everything is triggering me. My daughter was comparing our should bones and putting pressure on mine and I had to tell her 'honey I'm in shock right now and I can't take that'
Wow!

In fact after I called my mother I disassociated and now I can't find my phone and I'm sitting right here at my desk!
I've been disassociating all night, I'm like what the heck is going on?
I know what's going on, my landlord asked me for proof my aunt stopped the payments from my grandmother and I had to contact my lawyers and that sent me into a tail spin... .

It is not good for someone with PTSD to have a lawsuit... .

However I trust my attorney, so, my attorneys want me to fight, so I will... .

I feel like a solider who has PTSD who has to go back on the battlefield... .

Its never been this bad in 10 years... .

It hasn't been this bad since I was a teenager and ran away to a youth shelter asking help for my ideation... .

I dropped my phone on the floor after calling my mother... .