|
Title: New- and SO recently diagnosed after years of conflict Post by: Punchdrunk on May 20, 2016, 09:19:01 AM Hi all, I recently started seeing a therapist for myself with intentions that I would be able to better understand my SO and possibly get some clarity out of my situation. He was diagnosed with Bi-polar/ and anxiety/ depression and was put on Lexapro and Abilify last year after we seperated in September. The medicine has helped his mood swings a bit but still he was showing signs of worry, impulse, manipulation, controlling behaviors, and basically still emotionally terrorizing me without the uncontrollable anger.
Come December I thought it would be best to let him back in the house after a TERRIBLE separation. (He tried making my life hell, attempted to obtain an attorney that would 'take the kids from me' ((we have three small children)), take all of our money, take our house and basically just leave me homeless with no money. Of course I believed him because... .Why would I not? I was still in the dark and didn't realize that I was being manipulated. After we reconciled-ish... .He told me he would like to transfer with his job to a different town and asked if the kids and I would go with him. Thinking that this could be our big saving grace and he might actually be better if we were away from the pressures of the city, we sold our home and moved. We moved in March and I'm still in emotional turmoil. My therapist pointed me here with belief that he may have BPD and not be bipolar. I agree. Everything that I'm reading seems 100% spot on with him. Not wanting me to do anything without him... .Always being codependent on me... Hates all of my friends... .Hates my mother... .His way or no way. Outlandish behaviors when he doesn't get his way. SEVERE tantrums. He has never been physically abusive with me to an extent that I would be worried besides trying to hold me down from doing something one time that I can remember but the emotional abuse has really got a hold of me. I realized that I was being manipulated early last year and at that time started emotionally distancing myself from him. It made him angry of course. I went back to work instead of staying at home so that I could be independent and make my move. This also made him angry, of course. The wishy washy I can't stand anymore. One minute he hates me and wants a divorce, and one minute he loves me and cries about me leaving him! I'm trying to be here for him and help him (hence the reason I'm in therapy and he's not) but I'm not emotionally strong enough to help him, help my three kids and still have room or time to help myself. He is destroying me. I honestly feel like he makes me a worse person. Isn't your spouse supposed to make you better? Am I to live depressed and anxious the rest of my life just to have my 'family' together? When we were seperated, life was easier... .I was happy... .The kids listened and didn't fight... .The entire energy in my house changed when he wasn't there. He also is very narcissistic... Nothing is ever right... .Always looking for something better... .A new car, a better house, new 'things' (I should get a tummy tuck and a boob job because my body is not what it once was). Will he ever get better? Will I ever be able to relax around him? Will I ever WANT to be close or intimate with him? He has completely lost all of my trust... .Will it ever come back? Do I even want it to come back? I'm so confused and I have no clarity. I know that I would be fine if I left him so that's not a huge issue, but... .What would he do if I left him? Would he still be a good father? Would he pay child support to help with daycare costs? So many things going through my mind... .Also- just to mention... .When I asked for a separation... .I wanted just to be seperated with hopes of coming back together and every single thing he did made me not want to come back to him... .But I did. I was being vain... .I wanted the family... The house... .The money. And now I'm paying for it I feel. Thanks for listening to my rant. Title: Re: New- and SO recently diagnosed after years of conflict Post by: Lucky Jim on May 25, 2016, 02:43:00 PM Hey Punchdrunk, Welcome! You have come to a great place and we get it when it comes to BPD. As you may know, there is no Rx for the treatment of BPD, so presumably Lexapro and Abilify had no impact on BPD, assuming that he has it. When married to my BPDxW, I had a saying -- "never enough" -- to describe my W's attitude. It sounds like you have experienced something similar. Well, now that you're back in the thick of it in terms of your r/s with a pwBPD, what would you like to see happen? What is the right path for you? I know these are tough questions, but might help us to understand your situation better.
LuckyJim Title: Re: New- and SO recently diagnosed after years of conflict Post by: ForeverDad on May 25, 2016, 05:11:28 PM I've read and repeated this a few times before... .Lack of decision is effectively a decision. Inaction is effectively an action. Ponder that. While you can and should take time to determine the issues, possible decisions, actions, preparations or solutions, don't delay addressing things too long.
Hi all, I recently started seeing a therapist for myself with intentions that I would be able to better understand my SO and possibly get some clarity out of my situation... .My therapist pointed me here with belief that he may have BPD and not be bipolar. I agree. Everything that I'm reading seems 100% spot on with him. Not wanting me to do anything without him... .Always being codependent on me... Hates all of my friends... .Hates my mother... .His way or no way. Outlandish behaviors when he doesn't get his way. SEVERE tantrums. He has never been physically abusive with me to an extent that I would be worried besides trying to hold me down from doing something one time that I can remember but the emotional abuse has really got a hold of me. Holding you down can be viewed as abuse. Men have been arrested for holding down their spouse for doing self-harm! However, if it has been some time since that incident it's unlikely the court would see basis to take action on it at this late date. Blanket hate of your family and friends is a hallmark trait of an all-or-nothing person, even a controller, common with BPD. Isolate and conquer. I realized that I was being manipulated early last year and at that time started emotionally distancing myself from him. It made him angry of course. I went back to work instead of staying at home so that I could be independent and make my move... .I'm trying to be here for him and help him (hence the reason I'm in therapy and he's not) but I'm not emotionally strong enough to help him, help my three kids and still have room or time to help myself. He is destroying me. I honestly feel like he makes me a worse person. Isn't your spouse supposed to make you better? Am I to live depressed and anxious the rest of my life just to have my 'family' together? Yes, we all wanted our marriages to last, what reasonably normal person wouldn't? But sometimes that's not possible, even unhealthy if it is that dysfunctional. As much as we may wish it, there is no single perfect solution. However, despite every attempt to hold the family together sometimes you are left with no choice but to take the only option left, accept that the marriage has failed. :'( That said, it's not the end of the world. As they say, if the eggs are cracked, make an omelet. While you and others can't avoid triggering the overreactions, you didn't cause it. But you can find practical ways to deal with it all - one solution is to do so from a safe (or a less unsafe) distance with a solid court order under your belt where the parenting schedule and arrangements are spelled out in detail. Ponder this option: Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, can give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships. Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one." Ponder that. Others have echoes those words in the years since then. Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, conflict, threats, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos. but... .What would he do if I left him? Would he still be a good father? Would he pay child support to help with daycare costs? He's an adult. He survived before he met you, he'll survive if the marriage ends. Parenting will be an issue for him whether or not the family is together. And the courts/agencies do manage to get child support orders to work. Do what you decide is right. Often, it means following your gut. Sadly, if the marriage is that dysfunctional then we have to adjust priorities. And the marriage dream goes lower on that list than our own welfare and that of our children. Yes, we don't wish it but that's the way it is. Are these his children too? If he's the stepfather then post-separation he won't have legal standing unless he adopted them. As the quote above described, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one." Title: Re: New- and SO recently diagnosed after years of conflict Post by: Punchdrunk on May 29, 2016, 11:16:28 AM Thank you so much guys... .Sorry to respond so late. Yes all three are his. I found out I was pregnant with our first when I was 22 after we had been dating for four years. We were married when my son was 8 months old. Even at that point in our relationship I was already re-thinking our marriage. (Actually probably before that... .It's been up and down, together and apart since we met). He told me on our first date that I was the only girl that has ever been able to 'deal with him besides his mother'
|