She bit me...

[level7]

I had just returned from work and went into the shower when my partner started an argument about where I had been  after work. I finished at 5pm, when to the takeaway restaurant for about 20min to get dinner for us as she will not cook and 30min to drive home. got home at around six. I got accused of cheating but i tried to ignore her until she got physical. she pushed me n the bed slapped me twice. I warned her to stop. lo and behold she bite my dick... what the heck,,,just happened. I rolled and the floor in pain... probably the most painful I ever had. I ran to another room and shut the door. She forced it open... .at this time I was terrified so i grabbed my bible, sat on the floor in the room corner and started reading psalm 91... a feeling of watching a horror movie. My head felt like it was expanding. I could hear my 3 month old daughter crying from all the drama. My partner's eye looked like a wild cat's and i felt an evil presence. I saw a sparkle of orange/red in her eyes at least twice that night. she said "I thought you call yourself a man". I was speechless.

[sweet tooth]

Wow... .I can put up with a lot of nonsense, but that... .wow... .How did you respond?

[Chilibean13]

Did she break the skin? If so you need to get medical treatment immedately. A human bite can get infected very quickly.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi level7,

I am sorry that you endured that.    I can imagine how painful and scary that was for you. Many boundaries become violated once a partner becomes violent.

Are you and your daughter okay at the moment and safe?

When situations like that escalate it is good to have a safety plan or somewhere to go until things de-escalate. Do you have a safety plan or somewhere to go if things are still heated?

Take a look at these helpful links. 

Safety First

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

[ColdEthyl]

I am so sorry this happened to you, level7  

I understand about seeing that wild look in their eyes... .once my dBPD husband gets to a certain point in his rages he looks exactly the same. It's like he is not there and some strange demon has taken over.

Like Eagles said it's very important to have a safety plan. Are you safe?

This is not your fault. There must be something about an hour timeline, because when I call my husband after work to let him know I'm on way but I got a stop or two to make, like clockwork he will call me if it has been an hour to see where I am. They jump to worse case scenarios every time, so in her mind if you are not home, you must have replaced her with someone better.

Do you want to talk about what led up to the violence? Did she come at you claws bearing right when you got home? What was the conversation like?

I'm sorry about that "I thought you call yourself a man" comment. pwBPD will say anything they can if they think it will hurt you when they feel hurt. They are trying to make us feel as badly as they do in that point in time.

[walbsy7]

Level7,

I have seen that same look in my wife's eye before I knew what boundaries and self respect was, and I stayed in the room and tried to reason with her, get her to calm down. She looked demonically possessed. It was very scary, and in that situation I should have removed myself from the situation until she calmed down. I should have left the apartment and went for a drive and told her I will be back I promise. I will come back when you are more calm.

To attempt to shed light on this topic, I read the topic and thought of "ouch Charlie, that really hurt. Charlie bit me"

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Yes, was bit, three time, im a very coming person, very good at that, she would become a cuddly person, and I think that is what kept us together.  We separated now, the bits are the hardest thing to get past,  long after the relationship is over seeing them brings so much sadness.  Understand your pain.

[waverider]

Is there a history of this sort of aggression, or a build up to it?

What do you think your options are from here on to head this sort of thing off in future?

Aggression left to unaddressed, often escalates.

[Turkish]

level7,

Do you feel safe right now, what about your daughter? This sounds like a serious assault. Does anyone else know abut this? Have you looked into local DV resources?

T.

[level7]

level7,

Do you feel safe right now, what about your daughter? This sounds like a serious assault. Does anyone else know abut this? Have you looked into local DV resources?

T.

      I am still dealing with a lot of issues. I don't feel safe at all. I have been slapped, kicked, and verbally abused over the last five years. I am planning an exit strategy but not without my children. a boy and a girl. She knows how to make herself the victim and I the abuser despite the fact that I had never laid my hands on her. I worked as an early childhood teacher until one day when she got angry at her father while she was driving and suddenly swerved the car crashing into someones house. I fractured my left foot. she had a hand fracture but luckily the children were unharmed as they were restrained by the car seat belts. I look at the pictures of the crashed vehicle and I cant but thank God for still keeping me alive. I lied to the police that the car swerved by itself to cover up for her. she was charged with careless driving but was able to get diversion. I had to quit my job as my employer could not keep my position vacant for too long. I was on crutches for months and I eventually had a surgery for the foot in July 2014. while I was sedentary and on a cast from the injury, i always needed her to help to shower but i get insults and slaps. I cried so much with no help. I admitted that she has an issue with anger but refuse to admit she has borderline and has refused to seek treatment. things could be calm in the family for 3 or 4 months and a huge bust of aggression and anger will happen when I least expect.

Having suffered from the beatings, i decided to set boundaries. I informed her that anymore physical abuse will result in a call to the police. She replied "if you tell the police that I slapped you, I will tell them that you slapped me and my daughter". nobody will believe you as a man. she laughed it off. I remained confident that the police will be my best option if another incident happen. I called the police once and had to leave the house that is under my name for 24hours. I remained confident in the police because thay came told me that the man always have to leave the home as the woman have to look after the children. it seems that their hands were tied and would not help seal the boundary that I was going to set despite having physical bruises from her.

About 4 months ago while I was watching the TV at about 6pm, she asked me why I had not gone to the laundromat to pick our laundry. I  replied that I will go and get it after watching the news but if she needs anything urgently she could get the laundry for us. She flipped and gave me a slap as usual. but i have not said anything bad. I rang the police... .the police came and she told them that she was trying to protect our daughter because I was physically abusing her. without evidence, the police arrested me and put me in jail. long story short I managed to get the judge to dismiss the case on the 22 October 2015 (NOT EVERYONE WILL BE LUCKY). i HAD A VIDEO OF HER ASSAULTING ME ONCE. I was facing 2 years in jail and having my name in child offenders list. my career was on the line. she was determined to ruin me.She begged me to return to her, I agreed on the condition that i install voice recording devices and spy video camera in our lounge.

The night I returned home, she told me that she hates all men. I asked why? she told me how her father used to beat her mum everyday and how they went to live with her grand parent. at age 15, she was sent to live with an aunt and has since been moving from one family member to another till we met. The question is asked her was ":)o I have to suffer for all the pain that you have had to deal with before i fell in love with you?". she said " I am sorry" I doubt the sincerity of her apologies.

She has had a string of jobs since we met almost 6 years ago and the longest she had remain on a job is 3 months. she is currently unemployed. Found out she never finished high school when I tried to get her to enrol in an undergraduate program. They asked for the final high school transcript and she told me that her sister who was meant to pay for it spent it... .I was like "oh ok".

Advice to anyone in these type of relationship, run for you life... .not to mention getting STDs when you think that your relationship is getting better. for every progress you make, they will set you back 5 times.

Many people may think that I am stupid for returning to her but I am not going to let her ruin those kids forever. I also understand that no man with self respect will allow himself to be treated in such manner. I love my kids to death. I will be getting therapy to regain my self confidence. I will be enrolling in the gym and planning to go non-contact. I am working on an exit strategy

[pallavirajsinghani]

level7:  Because you have children, it is critical that you take steps towards protecting yourself and the children.  No, I am not asking you to leave as you are on a 'Staying" board.  What I am asking you to do is to protect yourself and the chidlren.

1) So, please contact the domestic abuse hotline and develop a self-protection strategy.  Develop a means where by you can quickly grab the children and leave home.

2) Don't hesitate to have a recorder on you at all times, have cameras if possible installed secretly in the common areas of your home.  I think that you can do this legally in all the areas except bathrooms and bedrooms.  The purpose of this is to protect you and children as much as possible.

3) When you experience this the next time, call 911 immediately. The purpose of calling 911 and authorities involved is not only to mitigate the existing crises, but also there is the possibility that she will be forced by the police to get mandatory hospitalization for observation.  Typically a person can be held for a certain number of hours... .and the hope is that it will be the beginning of the journey towards healing for the mentally disregulated individual.  The more professionals that get involved, the stronger the chances are towards some sort of treatment.

4) Talk privately to an attorney and get his advice about how to protect yourself since false accusations are common---a BPD sufferer when dysregulated, accuses the victim to be the perpetrator. 

I know this all seems overwhelming.  I am a DV survivor... .I kept feeling sorry for my ex-husband... .

Please be safe... .so that your children can be safe.

God bless.

[level7]

Did she break the skin? If so you need to get medical treatment immedately. A human bite can get infected very quickly.

Chilibean13,

no... she didn't break the skin but it was agonizing... probably the most painful feeling you can ever imagine... At first, i thought it was bleeding but later found out that it wasn't. what bothers me was the precision and swiftness that she executed the bite... my thoughts were if she had planned the bite or was it just impulsive? who bites others in their private parts? she had bitten me at least five times after that incident but usually on my shoulder or arm. I had co-dependency issues at that time. My advice to anyone will be to leave if their are no kids involved.

[level7]

Wow... .I can put up with a lot of nonsense, but that... .wow... .How did you respond?

Next day when she was a bit calm... .she asked us to talk about our relationship. I told her I cant be working so hard only to be assaulted when i get home. I promised to call the cops the next time it happens. The day I called the cops to report an assault on me on the 24 July 2015. she told the cops that I had assaulted her and my daughter and she was defending herself. I had injuries and she had none... .neither my daughter. I was arrested by the female cop that showed up and charged with common assault and assault on child. I managed to get the charges dismissed because i had some recordings of her assaulting me previously. The argument at the court was why she didn't make a call to the police, the police showed up almost 10 hours after my call for help but she only made a complaint only when they showed up about the call that I made. My colleagues at the childcare center that I worked were supportive as well. I would have been looking at a minimum of 2 years in jail. Yes, I did put up with a lot of B.S.

[level7]

Hi level7,

I am sorry that you endured that.    I can imagine how painful and scary that was for you. Many boundaries become violated once a partner becomes violent.

Are you and your daughter okay at the moment and safe?

When situations like that escalate it is good to have a safety plan or somewhere to go until things de-escalate. Do you have a safety plan or somewhere to go if things are still heated?

Take a look at these helpful links. 

Safety First

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Yes I have contacted an agency called father and child. My parents live very far away but I am re-building a network of old friends that I became estranged with after I met this woman. My children are okay at the time. Please pray for us.

Thanks a lot for your concern.

[Turkish]

l7,

Have you looked at the Safety Plan?

Having kids involved can be a whole other level of stress.  I don't know about where you are, but in California, there can be help from CPS when kids are exposed to abuse. We have an anonymous hot line. Do you have anything like that where you are?

DV against men is still an understudied (and even denied) issue in Western Society, but it's slowly having light shed upon it.

[level7]

I am so sorry this happened to you, level7  

I understand about seeing that wild look in their eyes... .once my dBPD husband gets to a certain point in his rages he looks exactly the same. It's like he is not there and some strange demon has taken over.

Like Eagles said it's very important to have a safety plan. Are you safe?

This is not your fault. There must be something about an hour timeline, because when I call my husband after work to let him know I'm on way but I got a stop or two to make, like clockwork he will call me if it has been an hour to see where I am. They jump to worse case scenarios every time, so in her mind if you are not home, you must have replaced her with someone better.

Do you want to talk about what led up to the violence? Did she come at you claws bearing right when you got home? What was the conversation like?

I'm sorry about that "I thought you call yourself a man" comment. pwBPD will say anything they can if they think it will hurt you when they feel hurt. They are trying to make us feel as badly as they do in that point in time.

Hi coldEthyl,

I got home quietly and said "Hi baby". she looked at me in a disgusting manner and I knew there was trouble... .My heart was beating really fast as I was scared that things will escalate as usual but i tried to calm down... .knowing that she likes takeaways so I initiated this conversation

Me- hey babe I got us fried fish and chips for dinner and am sure you will love it.

BPDp- hmmm what time is it?

me- it just about 10 minutes after six.

BPDp- you always finish work at 5 and you get home after 6p.m with some fish and chips to cover up where you have been.

Me- Babe... you know i did it for us and I thought you will love it... we dont have to cook as I am tired.

BPDp- whatever! save me that B.S. who the F*&k have you been sleeping with? tell me her name, what does she look like, does she want to have your baby? you think am an idiot not to know what you have been doing. You are tired because you have gone to F*&k her.

Me- I dont want to argue with you as you dont even have any evidence. its up to you to think whatever

... .I then went to take a shower. I came out the shower and she was in the room waiting for me with my phone on her hand...

BPDp- i saw that your manager text you about 5pm. what is going on?

Me- didnt you read the text " she remained me not to forget to complete a portfolio for the next meeting". she closes work at 4p.m. she is a grandmother who has been married to the same man for more than 35 years and close to retirement. why would you think like that? give me my phone please.

BPDp- Lair. you are a lair. you are cheating on me and saying its some fairytale grandma. I hate you... .am leaving you... i hate you... what do you take me for?... .

Me; so why didnt you call my manager and ask her? it will damage the way she views me but at least it will clear your mind.

... .BPDp smahed my phone on the floor... .

Me- you are insane... .do you really have to smash my phone. you got a problem with me the phone has done nothing... .i then kept quiet.

BPDp- snatched the towel from my waist, threw it away... .I was naked... .she punched me multiple times.

me- I tried to stand still like I wasn't feeling the pain even though my teeth had cut my tongue when a punch landed on my chin.

BPD- assumed that the blows were not effective in punishing me and then decided to bite my private part.

IF YOU THINK THAT YOUR PARTNER IS VIOLENT! PLEASE GET AS FAR AS POSSIBLE BEFORE YOU START HAVING CHILDREN. MY DAUGHTER AND SON WITNESS THIS ON A DAILY BASIS. ITS HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL.

[level7]

l7,

Have you looked at the Safety Plan?

Having kids involved can be a whole other level of stress.  I don't know about where you are, but in California, there can be help from CPS when kids are exposed to abuse. We have an anonymous hot line. Do you have anything like that where you are?

DV against men is still an understudied (and even denied) issue in Western Society, but it's slowly having light shed upon it.

Hi Turkish,

    Thanks Alot. we have the CYF here in New Zealand. It appears to me during a previous meeting with them that they are biased. Reading between the lines they intend to take the children without us both having access to the children. They are biased in their approach towards men as well. I have been told by many that a Lawyer will be the most suitable option. I am already in talks with one. Shared custody was suggested but I think that means hell for me and my children. I'll rather go non-contact. I feel sorry for all the men and women going through all these... .the struggle is real out there... .

    I now look at other women that I meet with suspicion. 

[babyducks]

hi level7

False charges of DV  is something other members here have experienced.   You can find their stories at this link.

[L3] Family law, divorce, and custody

I would like to encourage you to share on that board also.  The senior members there have a wealth of practical expertise to draw on.

Is your phone working now?  :)id you get it replaced or repaired after she smashed it?  Are you saving text messages to document the abuse?    

Reaching out for local help, even anonymously can be enormously helpful. I know that rules differ in different locations.   Gathering information and educating yourself is a very good step.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing when you can.

'ducks

[Lostindirt]

Level,

I just wanted to add my voice of support. You have been through the wringer mate. Continue to do all you can to protect yourself and your children. Whatever you decide you'll know you've done it for the right reasons. Just be safe. I wish you and your children the best.

[ColdEthyl]

How incredibly awful for you  You really have been through a whole lot. Is your plan to stay? To work things out?

[ForeverDad]

Did you document it in any way, go to your doctor, take photos of bite marks or bruises, etc?  The reason I ask is that this is clearly DV.  Yes, going to police or DV resources could trigger her to overreact.

But... .she's already overreacted.  And the sad truth is that once this has happened then it is easier for it to happen again and even escalate.  A concern expressed here on the boards is that if it has been contemplated or threatened, then it WILL happen eventually given enough time.  Well, it has happened.

I was in NYC when the first of the World Trade Center bombings occurred.  I recall what the newscaster did NOT say, "This is the 'only' terrorist bombing on American soil."  No, what he actually said was, "This is the 'first' terrorist bombing on American soil."  Before, it was a possibility, hopefully never to occur.  Once it had happened it moved from the What If world into It Really Happened And Will Happen Again world.

Since high conflict relationships typically escalate over time, your risk is higher for more attacks.  You have a young child together.  (Perhaps having a child changed the relationship?  BPD is centered on abandonment fears.  Sadly, the poorly expressed fears and behaviors of pwBPD can end up driving the other person away.)  There's a couple decades of parenting ahead of you.  More incidents are bound to occur unless something changes.  Like what?

(1) She and you start effective counseling and serious address the issues and how to resolve them.  Refusing to start counseling is a big red flag.  Giving it a few sessions is not nearly enough, it's not like making a wrong lane change on the highway, there are deep core issues to handle.

(2) Considering how she was suspicious of you and considering her core need to Deny and Blame-Shift such events as someone else's fault, she can very quickly, if not already, have claimed it was all your fault.  That you were the aggressor. That she was the real victim, not you.  Without doctor's or DV center's prompt documentation it could devolve into "he-said, she said" claims.  Sadly, at that point the female gender generally gets the default credibilty.

So what documentation do you have?  Photos?  Email or texts from her?  Recording of her blaming her attack on you?

[dacoming]

level7,

      I am still dealing with a lot of issues. I don't feel safe at all. I have been slapped, kicked, and verbally abused over the last five years. I am planning an exit strategy but not without my children. a boy and a girl. She knows how to make herself the victim and I the abuser despite the fact that I had never laid my hands on her. I worked as an early childhood teacher until one day when she got angry at her father while she was driving and suddenly swerved the car crashing into someones house. I fractured my left foot. she had a hand fracture but luckily the children were unharmed as they were restrained by the car seat belts. I look at the pictures of the crashed vehicle and I cant but thank God for still keeping me alive. I lied to the police that the car swerved by itself to cover up for her. she was charged with careless driving but was able to get diversion. I had to quit my job as my employer could not keep my position vacant for too long. I was on crutches for months and I eventually had a surgery for the foot in July 2014. while I was sedentary and on a cast from the injury, i always needed her to help to shower but i get insults and slaps. I cried so much with no help. I admitted that she has an issue with anger but refuse to admit she has borderline and has refused to seek treatment. things could be calm in the family for 3 or 4 months and a huge bust of aggression and anger will happen when I least expect.

Having suffered from the beatings, i decided to set boundaries. I informed her that anymore physical abuse will result in a call to the police. She replied "if you tell the police that I slapped you, I will tell them that you slapped me and my daughter". nobody will believe you as a man. she laughed it off. I remained confident that the police will be my best option if another incident happen. I called the police once and had to leave the house that is under my name for 24hours. I remained confident in the police because thay came told me that the man always have to leave the home as the woman have to look after the children. it seems that their hands were tied and would not help seal the boundary that I was going to set despite having physical bruises from her.

About 4 months ago while I was watching the TV at about 6pm, she asked me why I had not gone to the laundromat to pick our laundry. I  replied that I will go and get it after watching the news but if she needs anything urgently she could get the laundry for us. She flipped and gave me a slap as usual. but i have not said anything bad. I rang the police... .the police came and she told them that she was trying to protect our daughter because I was physically abusing her. without evidence, the police arrested me and put me in jail. long story short I managed to get the judge to dismiss the case on the 22 October 2015 (NOT EVERYONE WILL BE LUCKY). i HAD A VIDEO OF HER ASSAULTING ME ONCE. I was facing 2 years in jail and having my name in child offenders list. my career was on the line. she was determined to ruin me.She begged me to return to her, I agreed on the condition that i install voice recording devices and spy video camera in our lounge.

The night I returned home, she told me that she hates all men. I asked why? she told me how her father used to beat her mum everyday and how they went to live with her grand parent. at age 15, she was sent to live with an aunt and has since been moving from one family member to another till we met. The question is asked her was ":)o I have to suffer for all the pain that you have had to deal with before i fell in love with you?". she said " I am sorry" I doubt the sincerity of her apologies.

She has had a string of jobs since we met almost 6 years ago and the longest she had remain on a job is 3 months. she is currently unemployed. Found out she never finished high school when I tried to get her to enrol in an undergraduate program. They asked for the final high school transcript and she told me that her sister who was meant to pay for it spent it... .I was like "oh ok".

Advice to anyone in these type of relationship, run for you life... .not to mention getting STDs when you think that your relationship is getting better. for every progress you make, they will set you back 5 times.

Many people may think that I am stupid for returning to her but I am not going to let her ruin those kids forever. I also understand that no man with self respect will allow himself to be treated in such manner. I love my kids to death. I will be getting therapy to regain my self confidence. I will be enrolling in the gym and planning to go non-contact. I am working on an exit strategy

Man, I am so sorry you have to go through this!  My wife threatens to hit me on occasion and gets up in my face, trying to provoke me to hit her.  She prefaces this with a threat to shoot me if I touch her.  I recently had an incident where she followed me through the house, putting her hands in my face and pushing my face.  She was threatening to fight me.  I was trying to get away from her.  At some point, I stopped and faced her and told her to do it.  I told her I would call the police.  Our daughters were there.  She spinned it like I got in her face in a threatening way and was going to have her put in jail when she has kids.  The daughter (who is her mini me) agreed with her and expressed that she thought I was going to hit her.  The other daughter didn't say anything but told me when we were alone that she knew that was not the case and understands why I threatened to call the police.

You are NOT stupid for trying to stay for your kids!  This is something a lot of us are facing, including me.  I feel trapped as I'm sure you do as well.  My son is now 17 but it affects him deeply when it looks like we are breaking up.  It's extra because she threatens to leave the state with them if we divorce... .meaning he will not see me much (or her if somehow I get custody).  Also if she leaves, he will have to change schools AGAIN which we promised him would not happen.  He has social anxiety issues and doesn't like change.  It takes him longer than most to adjust.  You would think she'd put him first and at least stay until he graduates.  I understand she wants to be near family but another year and a half would not hurt.  So I hang in there, miserable and feeling there is no way out.

[dacoming]

level7,

      I am still dealing with a lot of issues. I don't feel safe at all. I have been slapped, kicked, and verbally abused over the last five years. I am planning an exit strategy but not without my children. a boy and a girl. She knows how to make herself the victim and I the abuser despite the fact that I had never laid my hands on her. I worked as an early childhood teacher until one day when she got angry at her father while she was driving and suddenly swerved the car crashing into someones house. I fractured my left foot. she had a hand fracture but luckily the children were unharmed as they were restrained by the car seat belts. I look at the pictures of the crashed vehicle and I cant but thank God for still keeping me alive. I lied to the police that the car swerved by itself to cover up for her. she was charged with careless driving but was able to get diversion. I had to quit my job as my employer could not keep my position vacant for too long. I was on crutches for months and I eventually had a surgery for the foot in July 2014. while I was sedentary and on a cast from the injury, i always needed her to help to shower but i get insults and slaps. I cried so much with no help. I admitted that she has an issue with anger but refuse to admit she has borderline and has refused to seek treatment. things could be calm in the family for 3 or 4 months and a huge bust of aggression and anger will happen when I least expect.

Having suffered from the beatings, i decided to set boundaries. I informed her that anymore physical abuse will result in a call to the police. She replied "if you tell the police that I slapped you, I will tell them that you slapped me and my daughter". nobody will believe you as a man. she laughed it off. I remained confident that the police will be my best option if another incident happen. I called the police once and had to leave the house that is under my name for 24hours. I remained confident in the police because thay came told me that the man always have to leave the home as the woman have to look after the children. it seems that their hands were tied and would not help seal the boundary that I was going to set despite having physical bruises from her.

About 4 months ago while I was watching the TV at about 6pm, she asked me why I had not gone to the laundromat to pick our laundry. I  replied that I will go and get it after watching the news but if she needs anything urgently she could get the laundry for us. She flipped and gave me a slap as usual. but i have not said anything bad. I rang the police... .the police came and she told them that she was trying to protect our daughter because I was physically abusing her. without evidence, the police arrested me and put me in jail. long story short I managed to get the judge to dismiss the case on the 22 October 2015 (NOT EVERYONE WILL BE LUCKY). i HAD A VIDEO OF HER ASSAULTING ME ONCE. I was facing 2 years in jail and having my name in child offenders list. my career was on the line. she was determined to ruin me.She begged me to return to her, I agreed on the condition that i install voice recording devices and spy video camera in our lounge.

The night I returned home, she told me that she hates all men. I asked why? she told me how her father used to beat her mum everyday and how they went to live with her grand parent. at age 15, she was sent to live with an aunt and has since been moving from one family member to another till we met. The question is asked her was ":)o I have to suffer for all the pain that you have had to deal with before i fell in love with you?". she said " I am sorry" I doubt the sincerity of her apologies.

She has had a string of jobs since we met almost 6 years ago and the longest she had remain on a job is 3 months. she is currently unemployed. Found out she never finished high school when I tried to get her to enrol in an undergraduate program. They asked for the final high school transcript and she told me that her sister who was meant to pay for it spent it... .I was like "oh ok".

Advice to anyone in these type of relationship, run for you life... .not to mention getting STDs when you think that your relationship is getting better. for every progress you make, they will set you back 5 times.

Many people may think that I am stupid for returning to her but I am not going to let her ruin those kids forever. I also understand that no man with self respect will allow himself to be treated in such manner. I love my kids to death. I will be getting therapy to regain my self confidence. I will be enrolling in the gym and planning to go non-contact. I am working on an exit strategy

Man, I am so sorry you have to go through this!  My wife threatens to hit me on occasion and gets up in my face, trying to provoke me to hit her.  She prefaces this with a threat to shoot me if I touch her.  I recently had an incident where she followed me through the house, putting her hands in my face and pushing my face.  She was threatening to fight me.  I was trying to get away from her.  At some point, I stopped and faced her and told her to do it.  I told her I would call the police.  Our daughters were there.  She spinned it like I got in her face in a threatening way and was going to have her put in jail when she has kids.  The daughter (who is her mini me) agreed with her and expressed that she thought I was going to hit her.  The other daughter didn't say anything but told me when we were alone that she knew that was not the case and understands why I threatened to call the police.

You are NOT stupid for trying to stay for your kids!  This is something a lot of us are facing, including me.  I feel trapped as I'm sure you do as well.  My son is now 17 but it affects him deeply when it looks like we are breaking up.  It's extra because she threatens to leave the state with them if we divorce... .meaning he will not see me much (or her if somehow I get custody).  Also if she leaves, he will have to change schools AGAIN which we promised him would not happen.  He has social anxiety issues and doesn't like change.  It takes him longer than most to adjust.  You would think she'd put him first and at least stay until he graduates.  I understand she wants to be near family but another year and a half would not hurt.  So I hang in there, miserable and feeling there is no way out.

PS... .my wife has threatened on occasion to have me arrested for falsely hitting her but has yet to follow through.  She said she did it before in a previous relationship and knows she'd get away with it.  She also says if she did anything to me, she knew how to get away with it because she has had a history of depression.

[ForeverDad]

As much as we may wish it, there is no single perfect solution.  However, despite every attempt to hold the family together sometimes you are left with no choice but to take the only option left, accept that the marriage has failed. :'( That said, it's not the end of the world.  As they say, if the eggs are cracked, make an omelet.  While you and others can't avoid triggering the overreactions, you didn't cause it.  But you can find practical ways to deal with it all - one solution is to do so from a safe (or a less unsafe) distance with a solid court order under your belt where the parenting schedule and arrangements are spelled out in detail.

Ponder this option:  Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, can give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Others have echoed those words in the years since then.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, conflict, threats, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

[dacoming]

As much as we may wish it, there is no single perfect solution.  However, despite every attempt to hold the family together sometimes you are left with no choice but to take the only option left, accept that the marriage has failed. :'( That said, it's not the end of the world.  As they say, if the eggs are cracked, make an omelet.  While you and others can't avoid triggering the overreactions, you didn't cause it.  But you can find practical ways to deal with it all - one solution is to do so from a safe (or a less unsafe) distance with a solid court order under your belt where the parenting schedule and arrangements are spelled out in detail.

Ponder this option:  Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, can give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Others have echoes those words in the years since then.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, conflict, threats, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

This sounds so good and I know for a fact it is the right thing to do.  But for some reason, I cannot pull the trigger... .Perhaps if I had somewhere to go while the process is ongoing but I cannot afford to rent a place on top of the mortgage and other bills.  She hounds me all day over and over with relentless chaos, insulting my manhood for not fighting for my family, throws up the fact that my son will be in the house with another man... .the list goes on.  I literally dread going home from work.  Tomorrow is a holiday and I feel sick inside thinking about being at home with her all day.  Something always happens to create an argument, no matter what I do.

[ForeverDad]

PS... .my wife has threatened on occasion to have me arrested for falsely hitting her but has yet to follow through.  She said she did it before in a previous relationship and knows she'd get away with it.  She also says if she did anything to me, she knew how to get away with it because she has had a history of depression.

That is a very real risk.  You might need to find that case later to bolster your defense against false allegations.

My ex was very similar to the many accounts on this board.  I think she had Paranoid PD mixed in with the Borderline PD, by the time our son was a toddler she was increasingly sure everyone was "probably" an abuser.  When all friends and relatives were driven away, there was no one left but me.  I sensed the end was close, she started looking as me suspiciously despite having been married for some 14 years, it was getting scarier by the month, so I bought something to keep secretly in my pocket.  When I called 911 my marriage, as dysfunctional as it was, totally imploded.  I was permanently painted black.  Fortunately the police didn't cart me off as they were supposed to, my preschooler was clinging to me in my arms and refused to go to his mother.  They didn't know what to do when I complied and "stepped away" but with him still in my arms.  (Yes, my state is one of those that requires someone carted off on a domestic dispute call.)  They left and she was crowing that they had given her a DV pamphlet, I had cancer in my brain and genitals, etc.

Oops, but what did I have in my pocket?  Surprise, surprise, a voice recorder, recording before and after the DV phone call.  (I never waved it in her face, I was just quietly protecting myself from framed or false allegations, I definitely tried to avoid triggering her.)  Once downloaded afterward I called for an officer to listen.  He heard her death threats and she was arrested.  Eventually at trial the judge ruled that case law superseded written law and since she didn't have a weapon in her hands he ruled her threats weren't "imminent" ones and so he pronounced her Not Guilty.  A couple years later she had the case expunged, but it set a limit (in my mind's eye) to how much damage she could do to me.  Domestic court ignored the case but after a lengthy divorce I came out in the final decree on a slightly better than equal standing with her.  Every time we went back to court for major issues I walked out with a better order.

[level7]

How incredibly awful for you  You really have been through a whole lot. Is your plan to stay? To work things out?

   The question should be "why did I stay this long in this relationship". My answer is co-dependency issues and being raised in a family where we stand up to help each other through difficulties. In this case, I am planning an exit ASAP.

   I am not staying in the relationship as I have lost too much... .lost 3 jobs as a result of her insecurity, lost 2 cars that she crashed at will, lost some close contacts and I now walk with a limp as a result of an accident caused by her, added alot of weight from being sedentary as a result of the injury(Used to play basketball every week), falsely put in jail... the list goes on... .I am lucky to be alive and I blame my choice of this woman. last night she said "you can have my children and I will move on with my life... .I dont want to hurt you anymore". I was shocked. Did she just agree to let me have the children that she carried for 9 months? or she was speaking impulsively based on her feelings... .I can see that nothing matters to this woman... .I hope she sticks to the plan. It sounds like I hit a jackpot!

   

[level7]

PS... .my wife has threatened on occasion to have me arrested for falsely hitting her but has yet to follow through.  She said she did it before in a previous relationship and knows she'd get away with it.  She also says if she did anything to me, she knew how to get away with it because she has had a history of depression.

That is a very real risk.  You might need to find that case later to bolster your defense against false allegations.

My ex was very similar to the many accounts on this board.  I think she had Paranoid PD mixed in with the Borderline PD, by the time our son was a toddler she was increasingly sure everyone was "probably" an abuser.  When all friends and relatives were driven away, there was no one left but me.  I sensed the end was close, she started looking as me suspiciously despite having been married for some 14 years, it was getting scarier by the month, so I bought something to keep secretly in my pocket.  When I called 911 my marriage, as dysfunctional as it was, totally imploded.  I was permanently painted black.  Fortunately the police didn't cart me off as they were supposed to, my preschooler was clinging to me in my arms and refused to go to his mother.  They didn't know what to do when I complied and "stepped away" but with him still in my arms.  (Yes, my state is one of those that requires someone carted off on a domestic dispute call.)  They left and she was crowing that they had given her a DV pamphlet, I had cancer in my brain and genitals, etc.

Oops, but what did I have in my pocket?  Surprise, surprise, a voice recorder, recording before and after the DV phone call.  (I never waved it in her face, I was just quietly protecting myself from framed or false allegations, I definitely tried to avoid triggering her.)  Once downloaded afterward I called for an officer to listen.  He heard her death threats and she was arrested.  Eventually at trial the judge ruled that case law superseded written law and since she didn't have a weapon in her hands he ruled her threats weren't "imminent" ones and so he pronounced her Not Guilty.  A couple years later she had the case expunged, but it set a limit (in my mind's eye) to how much damage she could do to me.  Domestic court ignored the case but after a lengthy divorce I came out in the final decree on a slightly better than equal standing with her.  Every time we went back to court for major issues I walked out with a better order.

If your partner threatens to make a false allegation and she didn't, please get a spy voice recorder, spy video recorder, and document. You know what "one day they will make that false allegation". I am a living witness. My partner will violently attack me and when I told her that I will call the police she will say "go ahead call the police, I will cut myself with a knife and I will tell them that you attacked me and my daughter... no one will believe you"... .Guess what " I summoned the courage to call the police and she did as she threatened... .I was arrested for male assault female and assault on child... .without evidence...

[level7]

Did you document it in any way, go to your doctor, take photos of bite marks or bruises, etc?  The reason I ask is that this is clearly DV.  Yes, going to police or DV resources could trigger her to overreact.

But... .she's already overreacted.  And the sad truth is that once this has happened then it is easier for it to happen again and even escalate.  A concern expressed here on the boards is that if it has been contemplated or threatened, then it WILL happen eventually given enough time.  Well, it has happened.

I was in NYC when the first of the World Trade Center bombings occurred.  I recall what the newscaster did NOT say, "This is the 'only' terrorist bombing on American soil."  No, what he actually said was, "This is the 'first' terrorist bombing on American soil."  Before, it was a possibility, hopefully never to occur.  Once it had happened it moved from the What If world into It Really Happened And Will Happen Again world.

Since high conflict relationships typically escalate over time, your risk is higher for more attacks.  You have a young child together.  (Perhaps having a child changed the relationship?  BPD is centered on abandonment fears.  Sadly, the poorly expressed fears and behaviors of pwBPD can end up driving the other person away.)  There's a couple decades of parenting ahead of you.  More incidents are bound to occur unless something changes.  Like what?

(1) She and you start effective counseling and serious address the issues and how to resolve them.  Refusing to start counseling is a big red flag.  Giving it a few sessions is not nearly enough, it's not like making a wrong lane change on the highway, there are deep core issues to handle.

(2) Considering how she was suspicious of you and considering her core need to Deny and Blame-Shift such events as someone else's fault, she can very quickly, if not already, have claimed it was all your fault.  That you were the aggressor. That she was the real victim, not you.  Without doctor's or DV center's prompt documentation it could devolve into "he-said, she said" claims.  Sadly, at that point the female gender generally gets the default credibilty.

So what documentation do you have?  Photos?  Email or texts from her?  Recording of her blaming her attack on you?

The main goal of my defense was to discredit the complaints that she made to the police that I physically attacked her and my daughter. To help my defense, I used:

1) ex co-workers from the childcare center that I used to work about my relationship with children.

2) Photos of bruises from previous abuses on me that I did not report but documented after getting a hint in an online forum

3) Medical records of injuries and its causes

4) Video evidence of an assault on me by her using a belt.

5) why she had not make the call to the police herself if in fact she had been abused as she only made a complaint after the police showed up at the door after I called.

she also refused to show up in court as she informed me after the case that she was not sure which videos of her violent behavior I had. It was better not to help the prosecutors just in-case it back-fires at her. she found the spy cameras as I was forced to leave my own residence by the police. I usually transfer data after a major altercation to my phone memory card. If anyone decides to stay please document, document, and keep documenting.

[level7]

level7,

      I am still dealing with a lot of issues. I don't feel safe at all. I have been slapped, kicked, and verbally abused over the last five years. I am planning an exit strategy but not without my children. a boy and a girl. She knows how to make herself the victim and I the abuser despite the fact that I had never laid my hands on her. I worked as an early childhood teacher until one day when she got angry at her father while she was driving and suddenly swerved the car crashing into someones house. I fractured my left foot. she had a hand fracture but luckily the children were unharmed as they were restrained by the car seat belts. I look at the pictures of the crashed vehicle and I cant but thank God for still keeping me alive. I lied to the police that the car swerved by itself to cover up for her. she was charged with careless driving but was able to get diversion. I had to quit my job as my employer could not keep my position vacant for too long. I was on crutches for months and I eventually had a surgery for the foot in July 2014. while I was sedentary and on a cast from the injury, i always needed her to help to shower but i get insults and slaps. I cried so much with no help. I admitted that she has an issue with anger but refuse to admit she has borderline and has refused to seek treatment. things could be calm in the family for 3 or 4 months and a huge bust of aggression and anger will happen when I least expect.

Having suffered from the beatings, i decided to set boundaries. I informed her that anymore physical abuse will result in a call to the police. She replied "if you tell the police that I slapped you, I will tell them that you slapped me and my daughter". nobody will believe you as a man. she laughed it off. I remained confident that the police will be my best option if another incident happen. I called the police once and had to leave the house that is under my name for 24hours. I remained confident in the police because thay came told me that the man always have to leave the home as the woman have to look after the children. it seems that their hands were tied and would not help seal the boundary that I was going to set despite having physical bruises from her.

About 4 months ago while I was watching the TV at about 6pm, she asked me why I had not gone to the laundromat to pick our laundry. I  replied that I will go and get it after watching the news but if she needs anything urgently she could get the laundry for us. She flipped and gave me a slap as usual. but i have not said anything bad. I rang the police... .the police came and she told them that she was trying to protect our daughter because I was physically abusing her. without evidence, the police arrested me and put me in jail. long story short I managed to get the judge to dismiss the case on the 22 October 2015 (NOT EVERYONE WILL BE LUCKY). i HAD A VIDEO OF HER ASSAULTING ME ONCE. I was facing 2 years in jail and having my name in child offenders list. my career was on the line. she was determined to ruin me.She begged me to return to her, I agreed on the condition that i install voice recording devices and spy video camera in our lounge.

The night I returned home, she told me that she hates all men. I asked why? she told me how her father used to beat her mum everyday and how they went to live with her grand parent. at age 15, she was sent to live with an aunt and has since been moving from one family member to another till we met. The question is asked her was ":)o I have to suffer for all the pain that you have had to deal with before i fell in love with you?". she said " I am sorry" I doubt the sincerity of her apologies.

She has had a string of jobs since we met almost 6 years ago and the longest she had remain on a job is 3 months. she is currently unemployed. Found out she never finished high school when I tried to get her to enrol in an undergraduate program. They asked for the final high school transcript and she told me that her sister who was meant to pay for it spent it... .I was like "oh ok".

Advice to anyone in these type of relationship, run for you life... .not to mention getting STDs when you think that your relationship is getting better. for every progress you make, they will set you back 5 times.

Many people may think that I am stupid for returning to her but I am not going to let her ruin those kids forever. I also understand that no man with self respect will allow himself to be treated in such manner. I love my kids to death. I will be getting therapy to regain my self confidence. I will be enrolling in the gym and planning to go non-contact. I am working on an exit strategy

Man, I am so sorry you have to go through this!  My wife threatens to hit me on occasion and gets up in my face, trying to provoke me to hit her.  She prefaces this with a threat to shoot me if I touch her.  I recently had an incident where she followed me through the house, putting her hands in my face and pushing my face.  She was threatening to fight me.  I was trying to get away from her.  At some point, I stopped and faced her and told her to do it.  I told her I would call the police.  Our daughters were there.  She spinned it like I got in her face in a threatening way and was going to have her put in jail when she has kids.  The daughter (who is her mini me) agreed with her and expressed that she thought I was going to hit her.  The other daughter didn't say anything but told me when we were alone that she knew that was not the case and understands why I threatened to call the police.

You are NOT stupid for trying to stay for your kids!  This is something a lot of us are facing, including me.  I feel trapped as I'm sure you do as well.  My son is now 17 but it affects him deeply when it looks like we are breaking up.  It's extra because she threatens to leave the state with them if we divorce... .meaning he will not see me much (or her if somehow I get custody).  Also if she leaves, he will have to change schools AGAIN which we promised him would not happen.  He has social anxiety issues and doesn't like change.  It takes him longer than most to adjust.  You would think she'd put him first and at least stay until he graduates.  I understand she wants to be near family but another year and a half would not hurt.  So I hang in there, miserable and feeling there is no way out.

I pray that one day you will find peace. We do it for our children. You will definitely pull these through. cheers.