BPDFamily.com

Her behavior toward me is bizarre, immature, and unjustifiable.

4. One reason I joined rather than keep attending as my friend guest was so I would know which events she was going to go to. If she decided to respond in the affirmative, I wouldn't go. She took that away from me. Now she can respond affirmative without me knowing (unless my friend tells me) and can show up at any time to cause drama, attempt to re-engage, etc.

Hey ST-


So correct me if I'm wrong, but that isn't someone you'd want in your life, yes?  So not contacting her is fine by you, yes?

4. One reason I joined rather than keep attending as my friend guest was so I would know which events she was going to go to. If she decided to respond in the affirmative, I wouldn't go. She took that away from me. Now she can respond affirmative without me knowing (unless my friend tells me) and can show up at any time to cause drama, attempt to re-engage, etc.

There are lots and lots of Meetup groups, she can't attend them all, and you might want to find one she never goes to and go to that, a part of taking your life back and shifting the focus from the past to the future.  And if you do run into her, she would only cause drama as far as you're concerned if you let her, and at least you'll know what groups you won't go to anymore. 

Making life choices that include avoiding her are not ideal, but you're still emotionally involved, and we need to give ourselves time and distance to heal and grow before we reengage, if we do at all.  There will come a time where you may run into her and it won't affect you at all, regardless of what she does, but you're not there yet, so best to do what's best for you right now, won't be the end of the world if you miss a few Meetups, and the best things you can do are slowly shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, and learn and grow as you process what happened with her, feeling it all all the way, and you'll come out the other side a wiser, improved version of yourself, and look back and might decide it's one the of best things that has ever happened because of the growth it inspired.  Give yourself that gift, and take care of you!

she has all of the control.

She only has as much control as you give her.  There are plenty of things to do other than go to Meetups, and that is something you may want to avoid for a while, while you process the relationship with distance from her.  It's not about her really, it's about your ongoing emotional investment, and the only thing that will diminish that is time, distance, and processing your emotions around her and the relationship.  Have you started to look at your part in the relationship, how you felt at different times and why, and what you are learning from that?

Yes, I evaluated my part in it.

So what came out of that, and how can you use it now?  :)etaching, the goal here, is a process, the steps of which are described well in the sidebar over there -------->

Sounds like you are somewhere around step 3 and 4, good progress, and what's next?

It sounds like you base a large part of your level of happiness, contentment, and fulfillment on whether or not you're in a relationship, and whom you're in a relationship with.  A borderline can shake up our world if we stay long enough and go deep enough, that can be the good news if we make it good, and it can take a while to untangle everything and get straight, especially when we're still seeing our ex places and/or interacting with them on some level.  Is it possible to find ways to meet your needs for contentment and fulfillment without starting another relationship yet?  If you do, it will show up all over you, and you'll be mighty attractive to folks when it does, a nice benefit, but not the main reason.

I've been single for probably 28.5 of my 30 years. Sexually frustrated to the max. Enough is enough. I'm sick of these guys saying, "be happy on your own." Screw that. They don't know what it's like.

I know exactly what it's like, and it's usually considered better to be single than it is to be in the wrong relationship, or different versions of the wrong relationship because we don't grow between them.  If you just want to get laid you can try Tinder or clubs, although focusing on your physical, emotional and spiritual health has a way of attracting higher quality people into your life, because you're becoming a better version of yourself.  Recommended.

I've been single for probably 28.5 of my 30 years. Sexually frustrated to the max. Enough is enough. I'm sick of these guys saying, "be happy on your own." Screw that. They don't know what it's like.

I'm not a one night stand kind of guy. It just isn't me. This "improve yourself" stuff pisses me off. Why can't someone just love me for who I am? Why am I never good enough?

Why can't someone just love me for who I am?

Why am I never good enough?

I've only had 3 relationships, with my uBPD being the longest at 18 months and she was my first physical relationship. The combined totally of relationship time is about 2 years. So, yeah I'm at 25/27 years single.

I understand the sexual frustration. I feel like I would totally sleep with my ex in a heartbeat just for that release, but ultimately, it's no good. She's not going to cooperate and bring the family that I want to fruition. Even if I did get her pregnant, it's probably going to be a dysfunctional co-parenting scenario. Her herself had told me (during our breakup) if she did have our child, I'll probably never see her/him. Whether or not she's serious, it still does not remove the chilling effects of those words.

I also understand being close to 30 and not settled down. Yes, I can do things on my own, but for how long? Do I really want to wait till my mid-30s and beyond to start a family? Would I even find someone that's relatively normal without any baggage by that point?

While I always believe in self-improvement, but I do agree with you. Sometimes, it gets to a point of being tiresome. Not to be prideful, but why do I have to be 200% better than the next guy? Plenty of people manage without being the crème of the crop. It also gets tiresome seeing all your friends getting married, starting a family, buying a house together, etc.

I've only had 3 relationships, with my uBPD being the longest at 18 months and she was my first physical relationship. The combined totally of relationship time is about 2 years. So, yeah I'm at 25/27 years single.


I understand the sexual frustration. I feel like I would totally sleep with my ex in a heartbeat just for that release, but ultimately, it's no good. She's not going to cooperate and bring the family that I want to fruition. Even if I did get her pregnant, it's probably going to be a dysfunctional co-parenting scenario. Her herself had told me (during our breakup) if she did have our child, I'll probably never see her/him. Whether or not she's serious, it still does not remove the chilling effects of those words.

I also understand being close to 30 and not settled down. Yes, I can do things on my own, but for how long? Do I really want to wait till my mid-30s and beyond to start a family? Would I even find someone that's relatively normal without any baggage by that point?

While I always believe in self-improvement, but I do agree with you. Sometimes, it gets to a point of being tiresome. Not to be prideful, but why do I have to be 200% better than the next guy? Plenty of people manage without being the crème of the crop. It also gets tiresome seeing all your friends getting married, starting a family, buying a house together, etc.

Why can't someone just love me for who I am?  Well, the best way to be loved is to love, starting with yourself.  You probably don't want to hear that either.  But point is, you were in a relationship with someone exhibiting traits of a personality disorder; why was that?  Think about when you first got together: what was it about her that you connected with?  Were there any red flags you ignored?  Why?  Why was she your choice to begin with, and did you miss or ignore obvious signs she would not be good for you, or did you get completely blindsided but stayed anyway?  Why?  It's critical to dig there and discover the answers, so you don't repeat with someone else who isn't right for you, but also so you develop your awareness of your preferences and whether or not the woman you're talking to could meet your needs and be a good fit.  Love is not enough, relationships are work and there must be basic compatibility.

Why am I never good enough?

Mostly by asking disempowering questions like that.  If you ask your brain 'why am I never good enough' it will come up with a thousand reasons why you aren't good enough, your inner critic, and if you listen to it, you won't be 'good enough'.  Every human on the planet wonders the same thing, some more than others, and by asking better questions like 'how can I be my best self today' and adopting beliefs like 'everything happens for a reason and it serves me', we can rewire our psychology in an empowering way.  Yeah I know, you might think that's a bunch of useless psychobabble, but it WORKS.  What other empowering questions can you come up with?

And if this gal exhibits significant traits of the disorder, she probably got under your skin in ways you may not realize fully yet, it's a mental illness, so really focusing on the above is critical right now.  Plus, it's an action, something positive you can do, instead of looking for ways to have someone love you; that is going into a relationship to get instead of give, which won't work, best to create so much love within yourself that you have extra to give away, and that's attractive, especially to gals who are in the same place, so you can both go into a relationship to give instead of take, the only healthy way that has a chance at lasting.  

I work with a couple that met in their late 30's and are having a child at 44, modern medicine mate, they anticipate people under 30 to easily be living to 100 so that's a LOT of living left, you really want to find mrs right lol.

I understand you are frustrated sweet tooth.  Not being able to find someone can be disheartening and downright defeating.  

It doesn't seem you have healed from your last relationship yet and you are still processing a lot of emotions.  

Given this do you feel you are really ready to be dating again?  

You could always make a fake Meet Up profile.  If you are only using it to just see if your ex won't likely be somewhere, it shouldn't be a problem.  :)on't use the connections via Facebook or anything else.  Just set up a unique account with no associations.  It is easy to get an extra email account if you don't want it associated with your regular email.  

DETAILS:

Unknown name or alias

City other than yours (maybe a neighboring city)

Photo is nothing that looks like you (someone else?, or some silly graphic)

You will never use the profile to meet anyone (just know when to use your real one to sign up)

I'm not sure about the blocking features available.   If your ex connects with Meet Ups via Facebook, then perhaps Facebook blocks associate with the Meet Up profiles.  

The last person who gave me that BS "love yourself" Psychobabble as you put it, disrespected me, told me that they're "not attracted to me and never will be" and wound up with a butt ugly dude. How about this: If someone doesn't love me for who I am, right now, they can go f*** themselves. I'm sick of all of these a******* telling me I need to fundamentally change who I am in order to deserve to be loved. If anyone doesn't like it they can f*** off, including my f****** psycho exes. I am who I am. I am fine how am I. I deserve to be respected and loved for who I am. I'm a beautiful and special person. If anybody doesn't see that they can go outside and play hide and go f*** them self.

If the right person comes along, yes.

^^THIS GUY GETS IT. I'm in the same boat as you, except my ex refused to have any physical contact with me beyond hand holding and a kiss on the cheek (dring a year of whatever it was we were).

Don't have a kid with your ex, no matter what. Mine was divorced with a kid. She made her ex-husband out to be Lucifer. In hindsight, she was more than likely the abuser and he more than likely a regular guy. She made all kinds of nasty statements/accusations about him. At this point I believe it was a smear campaign, especially after how she's treated me. I have a lot of pity for her poor child. I so much wanted to be a good influence and step-father for the child. It makes me very sad when I think about the child. Very, very sad.

It became really discouraging when the relationship failed because the ex in question is either emotionally unstable (at best) or having traits of BPD after discussing your story with folks around you and online.

I never expected my life to be perfect, but did I really need someone to come in my life and waste a year and half while leaving me emotionally scarred; essentially worse than I was before we met?

There is NO reason for her to block me. NONE. Emotionally healthy people don't do stuff like that.

So if she's not emotionally healthy, does it matter that she blocked you, in fact isn't that the good news?

I'm still conflicted and feeling a lot of dissonance. The naive part of me is holding onto who I thought that she is. The manipulation and masking are very powerful, I'm afraid.

You're right, though. In the long run it probably is good that she cut me out. I'mjust having a hard time coping with the Jekyll & Hyde, conflicting presentations of reality. Does that make sense?

I appreciate that you're trying to help me view this in a healthy way.

You and I are on the exact same wavelength here. Did your person flip-flop life and career goals? Did she vilify her former exes? Did she have a victim mentality? Would she disappear and ignore you for weeks? Did she flip-flop regarding the nature of the relationship? Did she cut you off without discussion during the final discard?

1. Flip-flop on career goals? Long before she met me, she wanted to be a nurse. Then, a pharmacist. She even got certified to be a pharmacy tech. Eventually, she decided patient contact was too difficult for her, so she chose med tech. We met on our internship. Within the last 6 months, she decided that she wants to go back for an associate's in sonography to work her way into an imaging tech (another bachelor's).

2. Vilify - she actually only talked bad about ex #3, but they weren't malicious comments. She pointed out that he physically stopped her from leaving him and faked injuries to trick her into seeing him. Other than that, the constant lying by him. The guy was an army ranger with PTSD who was 12 years older than her. I imagine she may have picked up a possible uBPD there and they simply messed each other up. After that relationship, she didn't date for nearly two years.

Hilariously, during our breakup talk, she talked about she would have married him if he could have gotten his issues in check, etc. Apparently, he really understood her languages of love and all that nonsense.

3. Victim mentality - my ex kept calling me out on it saying that I'm pretending to be a victim during the first part of our breakup process when I was just upset she pulled it out of nowhere (from my perspective).

4. Disappear - she only did that during our most recent breakup. It was radio silent for days. Then, when we were supposed to go on a trip together, she ran away on her own for a week.

5. Flip-flop - Our relationship went like this:

a. Started dating, good for 5 months.

b. Breaking off things, still maintained contact

c. Got back together, became intimate

d. Hiccups again, I became cautious

e. She eventually brought up marriage, I let my guard down

f. Minor incidents/emotional outbursts that were calmed

g. Making wedding plans.

h. Broke (emotionally), started breakup process

i. Odd interactions and physical intimacy during the said process

j. Resolution, still maintaining low contact

6. Final discard - I don't think it's final. She hasn't blocked my number yet. She just thinks it's unhealthy for us to see each other again because she still wants to jump in bed with me.

I don't know if she's done with me yet, either. You hear about guys on here who hear from their ex months, a year, or decades later. Who knows?

Yours sounds more emotionally stable than mine. I don't know if she's done with me yet, either. You hear about guys on here who hear from their ex months, a year, or decades later. Who knows?

Relatively speaking, yes.

She did go on the "everything is your fault" phase during our breakup by listing miniscule things that triggered her fears. There were pregnancy scares, of all the ones I knew the tests came out negative. Oh yeah, and that one time she insisted that she expelled a 6-week old fetus in the shower by making me looking at that lump of tissues(?) that did look like it. Ugh, so weird to think back on it.

Overall, I don't think she's over the top unstable. Her troubles with close personal relationships and friendships seem rather prominent.

Speaking of done, she actually texted me today.

What is this about a fetus... .? Since I never had sex with mine I never dealt with any nonsense like that. That would have definitely put me over the edge.

What did she text you and how did you reply?

Oh, she apparently had a miscarriage back in October. The text conversation was mentioned in my thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294395.0).

Do you think the miscarriage story was BS?

Possibly. She had mentioned she felt sick and nauseated, but all the pregnancy tests she had let me know were negative.

She was on the pill during that time (a progesterone-based) and we didn't use another form of BC in conjunction. She claimed she was still ovulating. After she had a bad reaction with Nuvaring (an estrogen-based) in December, we switched to condoms.

During our breakup process, we were using the timing and withdrawal method.

You can't trust these people who it comes to health (or anything, for that matter). My ex constantly complained about physical ailments. In hindsight, I strongly believe most of her physical problems were exaggerated at the very least. She complained about her thyroid and the doctor always said her levels were normal. She fell and hurt her knee. There was no fracture, but she limped and wore some kind of brace. She went to the ER because her throat was "on fire." She took her daughter to the doctor because she found bruises on the daughter. She was basically accusing her ex-husband of abusing the kid. The doctor told her that the bruises looked like normal childhood bruises. Was this stuff for attention? I can't say for certain. At the very least it's suspicious.

If you ever have sex with this woman again, or anybody similar to her, I strongly recommend that you use a condom that you supply every time. She can't be trusted. You don't want to risk having a child with somebody you don't trust.

Haha, funny you mentioned the thyroid. My ex did claim to have a bit of a thyroid issue too.

It was during our breakup process she mentioned how her right ovary has been hurting since October and it's probably just ovarian cysts. Of the two doctor's appointments she was supposed to go get that checked out, she only went to one as far as I know (or so she said).

Speaking of trust. Yeah, the last time I saw her and I was hesitating to finish the inevitable. She even said that if I didn't believe it was her safe day, I could check her calendar. Of course, being as dumb as I was, I let it all inside her anyways. That was the 23rd of May. And we did the same thing on the 11th of May (she said I didn't pull out properly). I'm not hearing any pregnancy scare from her, so stay-tuned.

Haha, funny you mentioned the thyroid. My ex did claim to have a bit of a thyroid issue too.

It was during our breakup process she mentioned how her right ovary has been hurting since October and it's probably just ovarian cysts. Of the two doctor's appointments she was supposed to go get that checked out, she only went to one as far as I know (or so she said).

Speaking of trust. Yeah, the last time I saw her and I was hesitating to finish the inevitable. She even said that if I didn't believe it was her safe day, I could check her calendar. Of course, being as dumb as I was, I let it all inside her anyways. That was the 23rd of May. And we did the same thing on the 11th of May (she said I didn't pull out properly). I'm not hearing any pregnancy scare from her, so stay-tuned.

Knowing her, I'm not sure if she'd let me know even if she's pregnant by this point.