BPDFamily.com

Do you think it is a good idea to call my ex after she broke it off? I suspect her to have BPD and I feel that I should really consider getting back with her and use the tools from this website to improve the relationship. I feel that I am going crazy and it maybe a chance that whatever I am feeling is some sort of love bug. I would like some suggestions please.

How did the relationship end?   What kind of response do you think you will get?


What makes you think she suffers from BPD?  :)o you feel comfortable sharing more information so we can get a better picture of what happened?  It does help to write it all out.

Relationships with a borderline are complex and difficult at best.  It takes a very emotionally stable and secure person to manage the dysfunction without severe damage to themselves.

Eyes wide open and being fully prepared for what you will face is the only way you can protect yourself and that is just the beginning.   This is not something you can just jump into and hope for the best if you want it to work.  What tools have you explored using thus far?


This is a very common feeling after being discarded by a pwBPD.  The relationship is very much like a drug and what you are experiencing is very much like drug withdrawal.  The withdrawal can be so intense you will do almost anything to get another fix.  Beware of the pull of the drug because it tends to lead to emotionally based decisions rather than rational and logical ones.

For your poll I might consider a third option ... .PAUSE.  Give yourself time to collect your thoughts and emotions.   :)

I believe she is borderline because of her general actions and characteristics they all fit the symptoms it is either that or she is very confused. She did tell me how she was abused by her father and even showed me pictures of the damage. She verified that she has ptsd but she also seemed to have been on the self observant side and knew something else was up. She began to constantly belittle me and find ways to end the relationship and then start it back up again this all appeared to happen out of nowhere and the arguments are very immature. The relationship ended one month ago with her saying she was seeing someone and also that she kissed another guy. All of which i feel she told me to get me upset. I do evidently miss her though. I also get worried that she may have indeed moved on.

The push/pull and childhood trauma certainly are consistent with BPD, but doesn't necessarily indicated she is suffering from it.  Have you read through the DSM traits?

DSM Definition: Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder)

No one here can diagnose her.  We can however help you to understand the behaviors and how to deal with them.

If you call her and she informs you she has moved on are you prepared for that?

I will be prepared for it I just felt that i should of been told the truth and I still feel like many things are unclear win the relationship.

I highlighted things that resonate with my experience with my ex. My ex was abused by her mother and she seemed to suffer some PTSD symptoms, according to her.

As for things happen out of nowhere, that's what it appears on our end. In your ex's mind, I'm sure something was already brewing at some point when you triggered her, and they can be the most minuscule things or once-in-a-while ordeal.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. If she's involved with someone else, I wouldn't pursue any further because that will only complicate things. She will more than likely bring this up to you in a future argument if you choose to force your way in now.

I am not sure that she has moved on tbh I actually doubt it it has just been on my mind for the past couple of  weeks I was just hoping that perhaps we can speak sI can get a clear picture of what exactly is going on...

This is a complex question. SO many of us feel we should have done this or that, and that the breakup was our fault. Yet, a normal non-disordered person wouldn't have just broken it off and run from us. Someone who flees easily may flee again. But they do have an illness and we do love them despite being hurt. You'd have to give us a lot more info. I'm sorry you went through this - heck, I'm sorry for everyone here who loves a person who's really two different people. We're not psychologists and we don't always know what to do.

If she's with a different guy, even if a rebound, you bet she's in the moving on process. She may not have "moved on" per se, but it's in the works. I don't think interrupting her will be in your favor.

I've spoken to my ex face-to-face in more than one occasion during our breakup process and I still don't have the whole picture. A better understanding, maybe. I wouldn't keep forcing your way into it. If you feel you must have her in your life, try keeping casual low contact. We are here to warn you that it may not be the best idea.

The whole thing is just a mystery to me and I feel that I should be aware of what is going on and it is also difficult because I am not even sure what I want. I do want to be there for her and I miss her as well. Also I just want to be heard but i am hesitant to do so. This relationship has been a major experience for me. I am not sure how or if I should let it go.

I'm so sorry, jmorris2076. Regular break-ups are pretty hard, and BPD break-ups can be the hardest. I understand what you mean about feeling crazy. It takes a different kind of insight to understand BPD, things are not often as they seem, which can be so confusing. Meanwhile, your heart is trying to reconnect with a person who made you feel so good, so special.

Is this the one and only time she has ended the relationship?

If you do reach out, it's best to be light, casual. No baggage from past interactions (this means giving up the hope that she will "come clean" about the truth of those last days before she moved on.

Is that something you could do?

Hey jm, Well, BPD is a mystery, if she has it.  That you are seeking more awareness is normal and healthy, yet I have to caution you that if your Ex has BPD, it is unlikely that she will behave in ways that you might expect.  BPD is unreasonable and irrational, I'm afraid.  Her actions run with the territory and are just the way it is with a pwBPD.  You are not alone, believe me.  Many here have been through the exact same scenario.  Agree w/L&L about keeping it light, if you decide to reach out.  You should also expect to be blamed for the b/u.

LuckyJim

Yes. I even verified today that she has rebounded and she has ended the relationship twice before but has always called me to apologize. I do wish to reconnect with her but am not sure what exactly to say.

Putting aside BPD, can you list some reasons why you want to get back with her?  Also list some reasons why you wouldn't.  Try to stay away from the superficial reasons like great sex, beautiful, etc... .and focus on deeper reasons for being with her that will result in reliable long term relationship (or not).

We had very great conversation. The things we talked about often included social issues and changing the way things are in society. Also I felt that she was actually listening to me most of the time. I am a film maker and one day she proposed that we write something together. She was also a painter and she drew a portrait of me 3 weeks after we met and on Valentine's day she made a painting for me. No one else has ever done a thing like that for me before. I just felt that with time i could of paid more attention to her behavior and classified it as something. I just felt bad for her because of how others seemed to have been treating her including her family.

This is good start jm.  Now think about things about her character.  What is it about her that enriches your life.  What are the things about her that tear you down?

I understand why you feel bad for her but you can't fix her.  The only person who can fix her is herself.

I am sure I'm not alone when I tell you that my wife did things for me that no one has ever done before, and I could change a few words from the above quote and it would be exactly alike to my own situation when we first started dating.  Wifey was having a hard time with her family and had become temporarily estranged to her parents (her reasons, and the real reasons, were very different, though I wouldn't find this out for years, and the real reasons - her parents' side - fall under "this is why families become estranged," but I digress).

Even at the end, she made me a beautiful Valentine's day card and artwork.  She couldn't empty the dishwasher, or bathe regularly, or show me the slightest bit of affection, or... .but she could muster the energy to do that.  I don't know what the psychological basis is behind it, but she really enjoyed doing things like that no matter what else was going on in her life.

I loved how enthusiastic she was about things. Her influenced encouraged me to look at things very differently. I am 20 and she is 18 so there was a fair amount of adventure to the relationahip also. What was bad was that minor arguments would seem as if ut is the end of the world. What was good was that she brought out a creative side of myself.

This is good example of something positive she did that enriched your life.  This is something you can be thankful for but keep in mind that your creative side was already there.

How can you foster this creative side of yourself?

Is there more?   Think about things about her that would lead to a long term sustainable and healthy relationship. 

How about the negative aspects that impacted you emotionally?  What kind of emotions did you experience while in the relationship as a result of negative things she did? 

Your right my creative side was there long before she was introduced I would just say that she complemented it well. The negatives were the constant arguing over things that can be discussed regularly. I assumed that she had trauma at first and was just used to arguments due to family issues. I felt that i vould be a bit more understanding and sort of just took the random outbursts not thinking of it as anything big. Then i just started to feel emotionally exhausted so I decided to lash back at her which resulted into our first break up. We then reconciled once she called me a week later to tell me that she just been hit by her dad and she tried to hurt herself. She cried on the phone. The most i ever heard anyone cry before. That moment it became clear that her family was unstable and thus she was as well. So I took her back only to get cursed out and break up two weeks later. She then called again to apologize and asked me to go to her school for an interview about gentrification. She brought another guy with her who she told me was her freind a freind that likes her at that. I felt very strang that day and gave her a resenting attitude. She then called me two days later to start another argument. I could not take it any longer so I hung up the phone we argued via text. I called her that weekend and the last thing she said was. "I am seeing someone oh yeah and I kissed that guy the other day" after I asked why she simply replied because I dont like you and then hung up.

Expand on this.  Why do you think you felt this way?

I am not sure actually. Now looking into this even gurther I felt that I took a lot of what she said to personally.

Good jm, digging deeper helps to understand it all.  What kinds of things did she say that you took personally?  How did you feel when she said those things?

She called me names a lot and she just acted very distant at times I wouldn't tell her how i felt about it though.

Acting distant could be due to a lot of things and might be completely unrelated to you.

The name calling can certainly wreck havoc on your self-esteem and self-worth.   Why didn't you tell her how it made you feel?

I guess that I was afraid and wanted to be more sympathetic to her

Afraid of what?  Did you feel manipulated when she was doing this?

Afraid to get into another argument and I am not sure if it was or not.

That is a reasonable fear JM.  Why do you think she called you names?  If you were to reconcile how might you address this name calling?  Do you want to live your life in fear of defending your boundaries?

 No I want to create a very strong boundary for myself on what should be said when these disagreements occur. I also feel she called me names when she wanted to end the relationship then she quickly mended it as soon as she  brought it down.

This is good, regardless of if you reconcile with her or not.  How would you go about enforcing this boundary?



This may be indicative of devaluation.  What do you think?

I would go about enforcing this with healthy communication and with an understanding of what I will and will not stand for. As for the name calling to be honest they were tied into the arguments most of the time so once again i am not sure.

Can you give an example to a to how you might enforce a boundary using these tools?

How are your Validation skills (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)?  

Have you read about S.E.T (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)?

You can make up a hypothetical argument or use one that you remember.

Why would she use devaluation?

In many BPD relationships, boundaries are a problem for both sides. People with BPD tend to have none and our own tend to be extremely weak. Over time, even our weak boundaries disintegrate.

It's great that you want to set boundaries -- super important in BPD relationships. Actually, in all relationships. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, and part of that means having good emotional boundaries.

She made you feel great, and creative. She made you feel worthless and exhausted. Good boundaries come down to feeling worthy regardless of what others do or say. We can feel hurt, sure. We do not need to feel our worth devalued.

She has given you a glimpse of how she handles conflict. Having good boundaries does not mean she will change this (it's probably something she learned in her family of origin and long predated you), it means you will change.

Imagine someone who barges into your house everyday. For a long time, you allow it yet resent it. You wonder why this person does this. Usually because they can! You let them do it for a while, and nothing changes. Then, you tell them to stop. They might for a while, then they go back to doing what they did. You let them do this for a while, and then start to get angry. Why aren't they respecting your boundary? It makes you mad and you escalate things thinking if you get mad they will know you're serious.

What makes someone know you are serious is when you enforce the boundary. With someone who is BPD, or with anyone who has weak boundaries. you have to make the boundary about you. "It's always been important to me that people knock before entering. I love you and want you to come over, and I also want you to knock. Going forward, this doesn't mean I don't want you to come over, it means I care about this principle and I care about myself. If I leave my door open and you walk in, that is my fault and I need to work at remembering to lock my door."

Instead of, ":)on't just walk into my house without knocking first." That might work with someone who has really good boundaries themselves. If you do this with someone who has BPD, it won't really make sense because the whole point is to be able to walk into your house without knocking.

So I guess I should really decide if I should pursue this or not and use the knowledge from this website.

There could be many reasons for this JM.  In my case the devaluation started in earnest after she severely compromised the relationship and exposed her true self.  Her devaluation of me was triggered by her inability to face herself and the consequences of her actions.   It was easier for her to devalue and replace me than it was for her to fix what she had broken.  As a consequence of what she did I withdrew and distanced myself due to the emotional distress and depression I was feeling.  This also gave her reason to devalue me as I was no longer providing her with the validation she needed in order to complete and believe in her false self-image.


Given she has "moved on" what options do you see yourself having here with her?  Certainly whatever the case is, learning and using the communications tools will help you in all your relationships, intimate or not.  I would encourage you to learn and ask questions here as you move forward.  I know for myself validation is something I can struggle with at times, especially in the face of unjustified angry accusations.  This is something I continue to work on here in the hope of becoming a better communicator within intimate and close relationships.  Oddly I do validate fairly well outside of those types of relationships but there is always room for self-improvement and personal growth.   :)

I feel that I can reconcile in some way she is on my mind a lot I want the thoughts of her to end but also I am just not even sure if she still has feelings for me

Reconciliation requires both parties to be on the same page.  All you can do now is work on yourself, learn the skills that are essential to managing and surviving a relationship with a borderline.  If reconciliation becomes an option at some point then you will ready.

To that end, what do you feel you can do to further yourself in this regard?

I feel that I should take some time to myself. I am going to start this new job teaching theater to kids so that will keep my mind occupied. I just cant help but think of her occassionally.

Very good insight JM, an honest and mature understanding of yourself!   |iiii

We all need to find our center and ground ourselves again after these types of relationships.  It is integral to our emotional health and overall well being.


I know bud, oh how I know.  I still think of my ex all the time and I still feel the pain of loss.  It will take time to process this all and it is OK.  Take the time necessary to make yourself whole again so you can participate in a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship, regardless of who it is with.

Did you ever want to get some form of closure ?

You bet your bottom dollar I did/do ... .and I will never get it either.   I wrote a couple of "closure" emails but if I am being honest, they did nothing to give me closure.

She is not capable of giving me closure, even if she cared enough to try.  She probably thinks our "goodbye" was closure ... .it wasn't.  I have to provide my own closure ... .slowly getting there.

I feel the need to forgive and forget and instead understand her condition but it is not easy since we are not talking right now. My reconcilation is a means to make peace.

Yes I do agree that forgiveness is a good goal to aspire to, but never forget JM.  By forgetting you open yourself to be continually abused and mistreated.


Your reconciliation with yourself?

I just don't want to hold any form of anger because now I am very confused and hurt. Between me just figuring out that she has BPD and the fact that she moved on I just do not know what to do right now.

It is understandable to feel this way JM.  Take some time to collect yourself and be good to yourself.   :)