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-I'm still getting the creepy LinkedIn views. I got four of them in a few days.

-A mutual acquaintance who I haven't spoken to in six months asked me to come to an event the other day (that was held earlier today). She has a boyfriend and we're not close, so I found it odd.

-I got a FB message this morning that said "Hi." That's it. The person has no profile picture, no information, and only 2 friend.

If all of this happened alone I'd write it all off. However, the proximity of the events within a few days seems suspect. I freely admit I might just being paranoid. Higher, I find this all suspicious.

By the way, my ex used to initiate text messages with "Hi" sometimes. Nothing else. I realize that's very common. It's just confusing and messing with my head.

understandable. right or wrong, i dont think youre being paranoid. what, if anything, do you intend to do about it?

Thank you for your response, Once. You're dedicated and helpful. I appreciate it.

I really don't know what I want to do about it.

I'd say you might be a bit paranoid, which is understandable. Perhaps a part of you wants her to contact you?

Maybe. I don't know.

Hi sweet tooth

I got a weird text off an unrecognised number late last night; couple of hours after changing my FB profile picture and a day after I did the same thing to my friend.  To me it's too much of a coincidence but it may be wishful thinking on my part.

If it is our pwBPD I wish they'd stop playing games and just be upfront and contact us!

Yes, I saw your thread. I agree 100%

What can you do about it?

Not much, I suppose, other than change how I think and how I react.

Excellent insight.  You can choose to make something of these anonymous "contacts" or not.  It is entirely up to you.

What is the right choice for you and your healing?

I really don't know. I'm still kind of figuring everything out. Still in the FOG. Still recovering. Part of me wants her back and another part is glad she's gone. It's almost like she's two separate people and on the one hand I'll mourning a loss while on the other hand coming to terms with the instability, silent treatment, lies, etc. I'm horribly conflicted.

I know exactly how you are feeling bud.  It took me 3 months at least to get out of the FOG and to stop feeling horribly conflicted.   Now those feelings come now and then, still daily but at least not every waking second.  It gets better, stay strong and believe it will.

Thanks. I'm trying.

Good deal.  I know it feels like your brain is being ripped in two right now trying to reconcile the different parts of your ex.  When you feel like you are thinking too much about one side force yourself to think of the other side.  Try to balance the thoughts so you don't get caught up in any one vein of thinking.

UPDATE: She re-activated her Facebook and de-friended me and my good friend. She deactivated her Facebook 10 months ago. This all happened in a period of 3 days. It sounds way too suspicious to be a coincidence.

Am I being f***** with?

Sounds like it but only she knows for sure.  I've had no more funny texts etc so now I'm back thinking it was all my imagination.

Total headf**k; all of it. 

Izzy, maybe it was in your head. Maybe it wasn't. Whatever the case, this is the effect these people have on us.

Now I'm asking myself, "why would she un-friend me if she is monitoring me in other ways? Maybe she's not." Then I remember that her entire life is a contradiction. She told me she doesn't want a relationship but the first line of her Match profile says, "I have a lot to offer a relationship." That's just one of multiple examples. She also made it quite clear that she wouldn't be using FB again. I had a suspicion that she would change her mind. She can't make up her mind about anything, which makes me believe it's only a matter of time before she attempts to re-engage.

Like you said, a headf**k. It's also a complete nightmare. It's amazing how much your life, emotions, and mindset can change relatively quickly... .

What does it matter if she is doing it to mess with you?  You can give it meaning or not ... .your choice.   :)

It matters because it's cruel. I'm a human being with feelings and emotions. I'm tired of people treating me poorly.

I understand and agree.  Thing is, you don't know what her reasons for doing it are.  It is your choice to take it personally or not.

so where are you in all of this, sweet tooth? you are giving her a great deal of power here.

I'm hurt, broken, confused, and tormented. I hate my life. It's been interludes of peace to trauma. I just want to be happy and content. I'm tired of being everyone's whipping boy. I'm tired of people having control over me, my parents, my job, my school, social relationships. I'm tired of needless BS. I'm tired of not having people love me for who I am and having to beg for the affection that everybody deserves. I'm tired of feeling like God abandoned me. I'm tired of crying and being angry. I'm tired of being stuck. I'm tired of working a dead end job that forces me to live with my parents because I couldn't survive otherwise. I'm tired of working hard at life and still being in the same spot. I'm sick of my psycho ex acting like a child rather than adult and treating me like I'mpond scum. I'm tired of watching all of my friends and family move on with their lives while I'm stuck. I'mtirrd of being sexually frustrated. I'm so f*cking overwhelmed with negativity and stress. I f*cking hate it.

Most of these things you have listed are within your power to change.  Your life is in your control, so how do you want to start taking control of your life?

I don't know what I can do.

One step at a time.  Take one of the issues you listed and explore ways you can change it.

Hang in there Sweet ! I know it seems like life sucks right now. We all have been there trust me. You can change all those things you mentioned. I don't know how old you are but go to school. Get a degree. Maybe dable in BPD. Abnormal Psychology . Educate people about this disorder.  Don't let your ex get you down. One thing I myself is guilty of is trying to remember just how sick these people really are. I forget that. A lot. And yes I believe that was your ex with all you described. You know what I strongly feel my ex was behind. I know it's hard. I think about my ex everyday. It sucks! But the only closure I have is knowing I can never be with her bc of how sick she is. Hang in there buddy!

Thank you, confused. I appreciate the support. I'm in my early 30s and I'm in grad school. It has it's ups and downs. The down parts are rough for me.

Why do our exes do stuff like this rather than just being grown ups and talking to us? I'm really struggling with that. Instead of toying with me, why not just say, "Sweet Tooth, I want to talk to you?" Why monitor me in secret and de-friend me in public? It makes no sense. Even when it's explained in the vein of shame it's confusing to me. Yes, she hurt and betrayed me. I'm forgiving to a fault and she pribably knows this. I wouldn't respond with, "Buzz off, X." It's extraordinarily frustrating.

I totally agree with you! But we can't forget unfortunalty we are not dealing with a normal individual. They are mentally ill. So that is a huge factor. Listen my ex after at first did t except her invite to Canada in 2014 hooked up with you g 20 something year old guy from Florida she found on line. She had him come to her  place and for 10 days used this poor guy. Well guess what he fell in love with her. And meanwhile went after me . Told me about this poor kid last year after she already roped me in. Then had the nerve to tell me that she had to get drunk just to put up with him there and having sex with him!  I could not get over what I had just heard. Even tho I was her 1 ST love at 14 and she got mentally ill from my Mom braking us up she still broke my heart. And I dated my ex before she became what she is today. A Monster. A sly calculating seductress. Plays with everyone who comes her way. It's sad really. So we have to remember that they are sick unfortunalty. You will find the right girl one day sweet. Just have to keep your eyes open.

Oh and one other thing yes I agree with you if why can't they come and talk to us instead of these games. I believe mine sent me 2 fake FB messages in Feb. the last one was Gift love. That was the profile name and Heart injured was the profile pic. Saying Hi dear. My ex would say that our love was a gift so that's how I know it was her. Also I never got these ever in all the years on Facebook. Then my ex comes back and then I started to get them. Also I get calls now . Not everyday or week but a few times a month. Blocked calls on cel and house phone. No one there. This I never had before either. Since my ex ended things in Sept. Like u said too much of a coincedence.

That is very bizarre. When I get the message dark the obviously fake account there was no picture. Now there's a picture of a rose as the profile pic and I was sent a friend request. Only 2 friends, I believe, guys from Europe. Totally bizarre. I get the fake profiles very rarely, but they're universally pics of young, attractive women. Usually they advertise sex sites. Not so with this one. The fact that she re-activated her Facebook the same weekend I got the message is highly suspicious to me.

Tooth, how important is social media in your life?

I use it frequently.

Sorry to join this thread late on but i just read the above and man alive i relate so much to this.

Im nearly 6 weeks away from the split and i flit between wanting her and wanting her to dissapear. We have remained in contact, met up a couple of times, stupidly had sex and kinda ended up in this warpt world where its like we are at the start of a relationship, where we flirt with each other whilst at the same time saying we are just friends. How the hell can we be just friends when we were so much more than that, well to me anyway.

If i dont see her or talk to her i have learnt an awful lot about BPD/NPD and it all fits in with her, how she is, acts and how she treated me yet hre i am still dancing some crazy, sick and perverse dance with her. Effectivly i know im dancing for her as opposed to her dancing for me and wanting us to get back together. When im away from her i can see how damaging she is for me and i know i need to stay away.

Then she comes back, charming, using and abusing me, which i allow because i then see the woman i love with all my heart and i start thinking, what if, what if we could make this work. I confuse myself thinking the contact, the intamcy, the sex is pointing towards us having another go yet i know that thats not the case.

Shes using me, i know it, yet im excited by it and i allow it knowing that there is a world of pain waiting. How the hell do i find it in me to have some self respect and tell her that we have to go our seperate ways?

Is it an integral and necessary part of your life?  Will you cease to exist if you don't have social media?  Does social media define you as a human being?

Dazed I've been there, and hopefully will never go back.


What you are experiencing is the worst form of punishment. It's there way of showing us that we aren't important to them. The sex, and fleeting moments of returning to that initial stage of the relationship, Is just intermittent reinforcement to keep us hooked, so that they could continue the abuse, and ultimate destruction. 

Gradually, while stringing me along, she threw out gems such as, I really never was her boyfriend. She never wanted kids (had the names picked out 2 months ago) Extreme gas lighting and re-writing history. With plenty of examples of how terrible I am, and how I messed up this relationship. Extreme projecting, making me out to be liar and cheater.

Triangulating me with possible replacements. Ultimately, she needs me around to play the role of prosecutor, to her Emmy award winning performance of eternal victim. In essence I'm being used and played like a tool. I've always been an object to her, except this time she doesn't bother hiding it.

I see myself in this, sweet tooth. Not in the particulars, but I've definitely been in this headspace pretty recently. There was a time when my r/s with my ex seemed like a relief from all the frustration and misunderstanding and unfairness -- like the reward for a hard life. That was a brief window, but the feeling was so powerful. It's so hard to fathom how the person who was once a source of relief could go out of their way (it seems) to cause such pain. It's like they have gone back in time and snatched away all the peace and happiness you once shared.

There's no answer, except to see it for what it is: your life. They played a positive role once, but that's over.

Unfriend her. Do it. It's time.

Stop wondering why she checks in on you. It doesn't matter.

I have a funny feeling that I am going to get recycled eventually.

that cant happen without your willing participation, sweet tooth. do you mean you have the hope for and intention of recycling the relationship?

Instead of saying "recycled," which is such a loaded term, what if you said you feel like you'll back together?

Is that something you want? Like, how do you think you'll reestablish trust? How will you two fix the problems that led to your breakup?

I don't know. I feel very conflicted.

Consider all the negative things that she has done, all the things you have lambasted her for, then ask yourself why all those things would disappear and be forgotten should she throw you a crumb. 

What does that say to you?

It says I will feel horribly no matter what:

-If she stays away I'm doomed to continue feeling how I do now unless something drastically changes

-If she tries to suck me back in, which I truly believe is an inevitability, the cycle will continue.

Either way I'm dealing with massive amounts of pain.

So you are choosing to remain stuck?

How do you think you might begin getting unstuck?  What do you need to do to get the front hubs locked into 4-wheel drive?

I don't know. If I knew the answer I wouldn't have to post on here. I have depression and anxiety tracker apps. I'm in the top tier for both, including "extreme anxiety and panic." My anxiety and depression have mostly been under control for years. I haven't been this bad in 10 years.

C.Stein offered good advice previously. we dont change our lives over night; the first step in my view is actively engaging in, and taking responsibility of your life. can you take one of the issues you listed and explore ways that you can change it?

No one can give you the answers sweet tooth.  All we can do is help you find the answers on your own.  

You are stuck here as a bystander to your own life.   You feel powerless under the grip of the emotional pain you are experiencing in the BPD aftermath.   It is understandable, I too let it all impact me far more that I should have.  I was a bystander to my own life ... .stuck in a rut so deep I wonder if I will ever fully get out.  I very much felt/feel like an observer, a bystander to what was/is going on both inside and out.  I can see the negative impact the emotional pain and depression was/is having on me and yet felt/feel powerless to do anything about it.  But that is the thing, I do have the power to do something about it I was just choosing to do nothing.  So I watched and watched as I slipped deeper into depression and despair.   Then I stopped watching and started doing something about it, stopped letting my emotions smoother me, stopped watching life pass me by.  I'm not out of the rut yet but I have gained some traction and slowing getting back to solid ground.

So what can you do to give yourself some traction?  You listed a bunch of things and that is a great place to start taking back control of your life.  Which one do you want to work on first?

Hi Sweet tooth

I'm pasting across, in case you haven't seen it, a post from patientandclear on a thread started by Hopeful83; it's on this board.

There are a couple of excellent articles by Jeffrey Young on schema therapy that discuss BPD "modes" that may provide you some relief via understanding that, in a real sense, he almost is different people.

I Googled Jeffrey Young BPD modes and found the articles interesting and helpful. You might find that they answer some of your "why" questions. I couldn't understand the  rapid shifts from one person to another either. These articles help.

Btw, when I split with my ex I found it too painful to see his posts on FB. I unfollowed him but was still taking a look. Eventually I blocked him. I didn't feel good about doing it but it was a great relief not to see his posts or his name - they were both triggering me.

Troisette  

Thanks, Troisette. I'll check out the articles. My ex is at least 2 different people. I said in the other thread: She even spells and pronounces her own last name differently at different times. Not even something THAT basic is consistent, which makes me believe eventually she will reach out again. She flip flops about everything. Why not flip flop about me?

how long are you willing to wait for this to happen?

I'm not.