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This confuses me.  They have these well constructed defense mechanisms but no boundaries.  Why is that?

Hi Wize 

Good question. Perhaps it's that not everyone knows much about what healthy boundaries look like.

Hi Wize,

I'd be careful about painting everyone with BPD with that brush. Did you experience your ex having few boundaries? Can you give an example?

So many of us on this site struggle with boundaries, so it's not necessarily something that is automatic. I know I do.

Imagine someone with an unstable or non-existent sense of self. If that person often doesn't know where he/she begins and ends, it seems to me that having consistent boundaries would be a big challenge. Also, if the person was traumatized/abused as a child, in which his/her boundaries were constantly violated, it's quite common to then grow up with difficulties around achieving healthy boundaries with others.

heartandwhole

Thanks for the reply HAW. Yeah, I'm working on not stereotyping pwBPD.  It's difficult because the pathological behaviors are so obvious.

Yeah, my wife had very few boundaries.  I noticed it very early on in our relationship.  Her clients walked all over her, never paid, she'd get too personal them and overshare.  She would get into very personal discussions with random strangers(this caused some serious problems.)  She knew she lacked boundaries because her past therapists told her that.  But she just didn't understand what boundaries are. 

I'm still confounded about the pathological behaviors of pwBPD.  It's hard to wrap my head around.

Consider this.  The lack of boundaries is part of the well constructed defense mechanisms.

My ex would say that she pretty much does what she want (no impulse control) since she came close to dying on two occasions.

I understand that pwBPD thrive on drama and chaos(not sure exactly why) so I can assume that they have no boundaries because that provides them with drama and some sort of validation.  Am I on the right track?

Yes, I see what you mean. That would have me scratching my head, too.


It really is hard to understand, Venny, you are so right. But the more we learn about the disorder, the more compassion we can feel for both pwBPD and ourselves. At the very least we don't have to take our partner's behavior so personally. I know it sounds ridiculous to say that—what's more personal than a romantic relationship with another adult, right?—but I've come to believe that the coping mechanisms are just doing their job; it's not about who, but about what (inside pwBPD) is being triggered in the moment. Obviously, romantic partners get closer to those tender spots than others, but in my experience with pwBPD, the defense mechanisms could kick in with almost anyone given the right circumstances.

Yeah.  It helps to de-personalize the disorder and its effects.  It's not personal.  That's the first thing I wrote in my journal.  It's the disorder, it's not me, it's not personal.  That's a tough concept to process.

I think it depends on the person. My ex really lacked boundaries. His big thing was never saying no to me or others. Then he would store up huge resentments and lash out, or else become very passive aggressive and simply not do what I had asked him.

A healthier dynamic would have been to know what he wanted, and communicate around his boundary. Instead he let me "walk all over him," from his perspective. Not knowing I was even doing so was part of the dynamic. Like your wife, he didn't communicate around what he wanted or didn't want. Instead of saying, "No, I'd rather not do X," he would say yes, then not do it, and feel resentful and angry.

Now I know this was his defense mechanism. By not setting boundaries or communicating around them, he could avoid any personal responsibility. He could place himself as the victim on the triangle. He was also avoiding having to stake a claim or position.

With hindsight I can see he didn't know what he wanted, not really, not deep down. It's hard to have boundaries when you don't where you start and others end. When you don't know what a content life would look like for you. His lack of boundaries was about his inability to function as an adult in relationship with others.

I also didn't set boundaries. I didn't even really know what they were until coming here. A boundary is not about the other person, it is about you, your values, what you want. I didn't respond to his unhealthy behaviors with my own strong boundaries. Instead I responded unhealthily, either enabling him, or protecting him, or walking on eggshells and being avoidant. Or getting angry myself, and trying to make him change.

It was when I gently and lovingly began setting healthy boundaries that our relationship finally truly ended. His reaction to my boundaries was to break up with finality.

It helps to see that these defense mechanisms operate in other parts of their life, too, not just us. My ex demonstrates similar traits elsewhere. He is very flaky and doesn't follow through in other arenas too. That has helped me get away from thinking it was all about me. That said, my lack of boundaries combined with his made for a very unhealthy relationship.

Wize, how do you feel about your boundaries, and how did they interact with your wife?

My boundaries came under attack during month 2 of our relationship when my BPD wife began triangulating with my sisters. Major drama ensued when I held firm on my boundaries and my relationship with my sisters became very strained.  But they backed off and my wife backed off.  Over the course of the next several months my wife continued to challenge my boundaries but in a much more careful fashion.  When she could no longer put up with "my controlling behavior"-which was nothing more than me establishing boundaries- she went full BPD on me and I left and filed for divorce shortly after.