This confuses me. They have these well constructed defense mechanisms but no boundaries. Why is that?
Consider this. The lack of boundaries is part of the well constructed defense mechanisms.
I understand that pwBPD thrive on drama and chaos(not sure exactly why) so I can assume that they have no boundaries because that provides them with drama and some sort of validation. Am I on the right track?
I think it depends on the person. My ex really lacked boundaries. His big thing was never saying no to me or others. Then he would store up huge resentments and lash out, or else become very passive aggressive and simply not do what I had asked him.
A healthier dynamic would have been to know what he wanted, and communicate around his boundary. Instead he let me "walk all over him," from his perspective. Not knowing I was even doing so was part of the dynamic. Like your wife, he didn't communicate around what he wanted or didn't want. Instead of saying, "No, I'd rather not do X," he would say yes, then not do it, and feel resentful and angry.
Now I know this was his defense mechanism. By not setting boundaries or communicating around them, he could avoid any personal responsibility. He could place himself as the victim on the triangle. He was also avoiding having to stake a claim or position.
With hindsight I can see he didn't know what he wanted, not really, not deep down. It's hard to have boundaries when you don't where you start and others end. When you don't know what a content life would look like for you. His lack of boundaries was about his inability to function as an adult in relationship with others.
I also didn't set boundaries. I didn't even really know what they were until coming here. A boundary is not about the other person, it is about you, your values, what you want. I didn't respond to his unhealthy behaviors with my own strong boundaries. Instead I responded unhealthily, either enabling him, or protecting him, or walking on eggshells and being avoidant. Or getting angry myself, and trying to make him change.
It was when I gently and lovingly began setting healthy boundaries that our relationship finally truly ended. His reaction to my boundaries was to break up with finality.
It helps to see that these defense mechanisms operate in other parts of their life, too, not just us. My ex demonstrates similar traits elsewhere. He is very flaky and doesn't follow through in other arenas too. That has helped me get away from thinking it was all about me. That said, my lack of boundaries combined with his made for a very unhealthy relationship.
Wize, how do you feel about your boundaries, and how did they interact with your wife?
