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So i allowed myself to get charmed back in to a, FWB, kinda situation over the past two weeks and in addition i stopped coming on here, forgot my thoughts, ignored all the advice given both on here and in the real world and guess what happened? Yep, discarded again however after this weekend i have no doubts left that she is full on NPD and completly bonkers with it.

Hers what i learnt:

She wants the best bits from me, ie, sex and intamacy and nights out as FWB

She did cheat on me on the night a red flag popped up 3 months which she lied about and gaslighted me on saying i should trust her and to stop being so insecure

She has been in cionstant contact with 2 ex boyfriends, 1 of which she is recycling still whilst claiming to need me. He has money and can provide her stability

She has been sleeping with me whilst have threesomes with her friend and her husband whilst proclaiming she wasnt having sex with anyone

Apparently though she needs me in her life and im her best friend!

Whilst under the influence she went on about how she thinks she should start social clensing by killing people off.

Said that her next man will be one that can provide her with a house, finaicial stability but she will not love them and will use them as her emomotional punchbag and asked if i would be happy to still see her once she has this.

Discussed becoming an escort to raise enough money to buy a house

In total shock, anger and disbelief at the betrayal, gaslighting and everything that comes with her. Im disguisted by her and feel like she has severed any tie we had.

Im so upset but been left with no doubt at how mad she really is and after yesterday i will no longer have anything to do with her.

Sometimes, we just need to be hit by a train in order to hate the idea of standing on the rails during active transport.

Im screwing about the whole thing and feel ready to kick off properly. Ive never felt so angry and hurt. I know these guys and i found out she paraded me about in front of the guy she cheated on me the very next week. Then looks at me saying she lovbes me and needs me!

Im not a horrible person but i hope she experiences hell on earth for the rest of her days.

Proper, C U Next Tuesday!

Hi DazeD40

I think most of us can identify with the sense of shock you are feeling. To my knowledge, the one thing I haven’t had to deal with was infidelity but other than that I can identify with the other things you mention.

The gaslighting is one that really hurts. When your partner is trying to tell you that something did/didn’t happen and you know they are brainwashing you – it is hurtful and confusing.

While your post conveys a lot of hurt and emotion, do you still hope for her to change enough for you to be with her? I know I am still in fantasy land a little, waiting for my ex to say ‘I want to be with you and will do whatever it takes to make it work’. Chances of it happening – 1%.

Don’t beat yourself up about going off this board, we all do it. We ignore the advice, the well wishers and we go for the drug. I’ve done it a few times. When I look back at my Ex’s behaviour over a 3+ year period, it is appalling, but I am the problem. I have allowed her back into my life over & over. What is it about me that takes that rubbish?

Hope things are ok with you and that you can move forward.

My anxiety is at an all time high, im angry, hurt and resentful and i want to kick off! I was so in shock she pretty much got off scot free but now i am ready to unleash hell on her and these guys shes been playing around with.

Please tell me how i hold this down as im screwing and ready to kick off

DazeD40

don't do anything that is going to cause hurt to yourself.

As for these other guys - just let them be I think. They might be feeling like you are now when they find out the truth about her.

Focus on yourself & what you need right now. If you need to go to a gym & punch a punch bag, just do that.

It doesn't do any good to tell anyone else about her- she will paint you to look crazy and it will work. This is the final discard... .she is telling you the whole story about what is in her head. Mine did the same at the end. It's horribly disturbing to hear and see the attitude, I know. You just have to be glad you are out. It is shocking how these people can be. No really emotion behind what they say... .be glad you are out and now focus on how you can move on and be happy again. I get the anger. I still have it at times too. Mine has had karma hit- his gf got pregnant, she is stuck with a reminder of her cheating on her husband with mine (she met me), he is stuck paying for baby that he just is going to use as an object while he hunts other women, he lost his great job he had when he was with me... .which came with a life style he totally enjoyed. He is poor now and not happy about it I am sure. Everything is about the baby and not him. I can only imagine how bad this can go... .They get their karma- trust me... .do nothing and be the better person. The way you get revenge on a narcissist is to ignore them! Thats the truth... .

Fact

they hate being ignored.

Im done with her! I did start going off on txt at her but decided to block her.

Im sorry guys i have been posting here this morning with a lot of anger but thats where i am.

We understand... .it's really hard not to be angry.

Im on the verge of telling her that shes NPD/BPD and to look it up and educate herself but do you know what i dont think i should. Why should i tip her off. Let the cow rot in hell especially when her kid discards her when she grows up and susses her out.

Ive never known betrayal like this before!

Absolutely do not tell her... .they always say that. She needs a therapist to do it. She will only use that to her advantage and not use it in a healthy way. She won't care or believe you anyway. That word is thrown around allot. Keep it to yourself.

I know... .it is sick and twisted. Totally rotten to the core.  Nothing we can do but see it for what it really is and stay away.

The scary thing is shes adamant that her mental health is much better now shes split with me, was all my fault apparently, is feeling great now shes reducing her anti depressants, yet from what ive seen from her and heard from her shes gone totally bat s*&t crazy. Even found out shes been stalking me using fake social media profiles.

Somehow she thinks she is back to her best. Yeah because well people discuss joining terrorist sympathiser cells and talk about killing off society.

Lol DazedD40

I don't mean to laugh and I'm not laughing at you but what you said about your ex saying how "well" she is now. My ex posted something about "are wichcraft spells real? I'm very afraid now, I'm doomed!"

Yes my exgf is "well". No she's totally BSCrazy too and always has been. Don't listen to what they say, it's actions that prove who and what they are.

My exgf used to talk about the world ending and she couldn't wait for everyone to just die already. Happy happy happy

You know, these are the same dynamics I endured 1,5 years ago, just after the breakup. It was mind-boggling for me, since it felt like having to face a different person -- a very cold, cruel, unempatetic and unloving person -- and a sensation of complete betrayal; I see you're reacting in the very same way... .it's normal, since healthy people do not behave like this.

As a side note, it's incredible to see how lots of sufferers lack the minimum amount of decency required to manage civilly the aftermath of a finished relationship, how they throw you away like a complete piece of trash.

But hey, they are ill, we cannot pretend "normalcy" from them. Also, you shouldn't take these behaviours personally (I know, I know... .it's very hard to NOT do that now), because they repeat the very same mind-boggling actions/thoughts with all their partners.

If you can, immediately establish no contact and let her go, this is the only way to win this horrible game without taking further lumps.

im confused: you said this was a friends with benefits relationship, yes? those are tricky to navigate especially with past hurts and expectations playing a role.

We were together for 4 years and split up 2 months ago, i then ended up being recycled after a failed NC attempt on my behalf. I thought i could do the FWB thing and stay detatched slightly but low and behold our FWB arrangment turned in to an opportunity for her to kill me off with the final discard.

i can imagine this would be pretty challenging.


can you elaborate? has she cut contact?

DazedD40


I also thought having a better knowledge of BPD I could handle a FWB relationship with her. Boy was I wrong. I also allowed myself to be reengaged in the madness. At this point, I believe she knew I had seen behind the mask. Keep in mind that they are hypersensitive, and could detect the slightest change in attitude. In my case, I believe that she knew I was just in it for the sex. I had already confronted her about her flirting and other orbiters hanging around her. Rightfully so, she punished me for my foolishness.

I think she agreed, just to inflict more emotional abuse on me. Basically she knew the end was near, and didn't hold back in reveling some scary stuff about herself. She had no qualms about making it known that she has been seeing other people. When I was it her, she admitted to seeing just one guy when we were not together, and apparently it was just a date where nothing happened.  This now turned into I shouldn't be insecure THEY MEAN NOTHING TO HER. They as in several.

She began playing on all my insecurities, and making it seem like I wasn't good enough for her. FOG cleared and I basically told her that the other guys could have her, and I won't be fooled any longer. Out came the crocodile tears, and supposed panic attack, inflicting more guilt on me. Put her in a cab Friday morning, and haven't spoken to her since.

I'm not angry at her, I'm angry at myself for being played like a fool again. I took a major step back, but you know what it also made me see clearer. Let her other men deal with the pain and suffering, they will learn the same lessons as the ones before me and the ones to come. Anger is normal, but I choose to channel this elsewhere. Most importantly on me.

If I could offer you any advice, is cut all contact with her, don't text her about her mental illness. She might contact the police and get a RO on you, not to mention smearing you. You will just feed her the drama and chaos she feeds on. You will also still be stuck in their madness.Don't stoop to her level. Just learn and move on. This could end up being a blessing in disguise.

Bang on the money there mate as its me im angry with. I'm angry I loved her and that the ending was the one I knew in my heart of hearts was going to happen. Ok it can be argued that she ended it two months ago but this is the real ending.

I knew what was going on and like you I had read the stories and done the research, so knew this was a charm and I allowed it to happen. I knew prior to seeing her something unpleasant was coming. The stories I have read told me what was coming.

One major plus is that I know I wasn't going mad and that I was right. One thing thinking you know and then actually finding you were indeed right is a tough pill to swallow. Wasn't expecting it to hurt so much.

Thank you all for your responses. My apologies for going off the deep end.

Dazd why is she telling you about all these other people? To get a reaction? Some other reason?  SOmetimes they deny it why is she admitting  to the infidelity?

Fr4nz wrote--- It was mind-boggling for me, since it felt like having to face a different person -- a very cold, cruel, unempatetic and unloving person -- and a sensation of complete betrayal;

----Why did they suddenly change? Was it emotional repression/cut off because it would be too paiinful to "feel" the loss of you?

Assuming that we are dealing with a BPD, reasons can be varied, complex, and intertwined, depending on the specific situation. However, they all stem from the fact that this is an "attachment" disorder, where the sufferers' true-selves failed to develop correctly during early childhood -- basically, they failed to fully detach from their primary caregiver (usually, the mother) for some reason and develop their own self. From here the fears of abandonment and engulfment.

Trying to sum up, the main reasons can be these.

(1) they may (apparently) move on very quickly because they did some horrible action towards you, for whatever reason; thus, to avoid facing shame and recognize their own mistakes, they blame everything onto you (distortion of reality), cut you off, and move on.

(2) it may also be that, over time, you are seen more and more as "the" hypercritical parent (mind that this happens at subconscious level), the one - usually the primary caregiver, i.e., mother - who was cold, uncaring, hypercritical or unaffectionate during their childhood. This process is typically triggered by some perceived criticism (or uncaring) from you, thus ending the honeymoon phase and kickstarting the clinging/devaluing phases; in any case, the end result is the same: they treat you badly and move on to another person. This is probably the most common dynamic we experience, in one form or another.

(3) Another reason is due to fear of engulfement, which develops over time as the couple gets closer and more committed. I guess that this case stems from case 2, since the fear of engulfment comes from their perception that the partner - at some point - does not allow them to be "who they truly are" (hypercritical parent). Again, the end result is the same.

All in all, it's a game we are doomed to lose. Mind also that this "moving on quickly" do not allow BPD sufferers to process the failures of their past relationships; as a consequence, they bring on with them the related traumas and they do not learn from their past mistakes, since they tend to always assume the "victim" role.

Blew my mind Fr4nz


Took a call from her today, and of course she took Zero responsibility for our inability to make this work. I put my phone to my ear, and listened to a 30minute monologue, on how cruel and insensitive I am to her needs. She recommended I seek professional help for my issues, and she asked if I was willing to see a therapist for her ... .at this point I had to speak, and I told her I would gladly do it, if she was willing to do the same ... .and she asked me not to deflect the blame one her What the heck ? She then proceeded to list examples, where I didn't open the car door for her, and how I don't take her seriously. She deserves to be treated better? At this point I understood that I was to take 100% of the blame, shut my mouth, be a doormat and accept that she will always do what she wants and I'm held to different standards. She took zero responsibility. In her mind I'm just like all the other insensitive jerks that bully and punish her. She is an eternal victim. No learning from past experiences, defense mechanisims strongly in place, I am supposed to love her unconditionally.   

Hah! I was subjected to the same kind of petty criticism just after the breakup. She complained about the most stupid things... .for example, she complained that I used an old backpack, instead of a trolley, when I was visiting her in her city (we had a medium distance relationship)... .and used this to accuse me that I am not a grown man! lol

Just a bunch of BS you shouldn't even pay attention to... .this is pure "splitting black" in action.

Or, these are things that have been upsetting her for a while, but she just chose to say nothing because it was the honeymoon/ideal phase and simply kept tally of things.

That's how my ex is/was with our relationship. She can trace back a year about something obscurely petty to make her point. And when asked why she didn't bring it up if it upset her? "Oh, I think it's hurtful to criticize like that, but I just can't take it anymore."

Bull crap. It's hurtful to pretend everything's okay when it's not. These folks and their pettiness along with emotional immaturity.

Apprently she thinks we are evolving and we will never truely be "over"! The more she speaks the nuttier she sounds.

Ladies and Gentlemen, im am out of this and running to the hills hahaha...

How mental can a persobn be to treat someone with such hate and distain that they think you'll be there and happy to work at things? Yes i love her but im starting to realise i love myself a bit more than i do her.

She there tapping up fresh supply yet still expects me to be there at her beck and call. Nope not this time.

Bloody nutjob

Hey DazedD40

Can you say "narcissist"?

That's pretty much how my exBPDgf thinks too, she thinks I'm going to help her after the h*** we've been through and I'm going to be a pawn in her creating jealousy in her bf.

We are mearly objects for their pleasure, and that is no longer acceptable to me.

Glad to hear you're ending the madness as well. We deserve so much better and the sad thing is, "they believe they are normal"

Ah ha ha ha ha

Run run run

Its all i do say and after this weekend its all i think when i look at her. Shes no longer the woman i knew or loved and i refuse to be a pawn in her sick games.

DazedD40


I'll take blame for my stupidity for continuously taking her back in my life, when I had plenty of opportunities to make the right decision and cut her out of my life. I continuously gave her the opportunity to toy with me. I knew I was painted black. I confronted her too often, accused her of cheating (never had any physical proof) but yet like an idiot I went back for more. I did this despite knowing all the dangers of being involved with a mentally ill person. I did it despite my friends and family telling me to stay the ''F'' away from her. She knew this. She knew she had me, when I accused her of so many faults, but yet she could always get me back, I was thrown into the heap of useful objects conditioned to be at her beck in call when no others are around.

It just boggles my mind that she's willing to repeatedly sleep with me despite painting me black. I guess she will use any tool available to keep me hooked. Granted, I'm not any better as I thought I could sleep with her, no strings attached. I couldn't, and I now realize that I do need some specialized help. The feelings are still there. Every successive recycle was just a 24 hour window to rekindle the the idealization stage, after that there is hell to pay.


Here is the order of events;


1. She broke up with me in late April, when she probably found a replacement.

2. I was doing well in my recovery, I was realizing how this could never work. We would go weeks without speaking, and as I was beginning to feel better, I allowed her to reel me back in.

3. I was painted black. Too many accusations that hit too close to reality for her. She can't have this. I was just a mouse to play with. See if she could snare me, despite me knowing that she is toxic for me. This is narcissism at it's finest. Her dialogue must have been something along the lines of, I could still get him back despite all his accusations.

4. I know a lot about t BPD. I've done months of research. Heck I thought I was an expert. At the end of the day, I was just a guy, who refused to go no contact.

5. She resented me, and used are time together, just to work on painting me as being unworthy of her. I was defective,  and this last discard gave her the opportunity to allow her to list more reasons why she look for someone else. It's a mind ''F'' preparing me for an even deeper fall into the gutter.

6. It's the cat and mouse game. She's going in for the kill. She has a new replacement all lined up. What greater opportunity to have her cake and eat it too.

As far as sex is concerned, to her I'm a vibrator who keeps on giving even when the battery is low. She would use me to kill time until my replacement is available.

She doesnt need me! She knows she can get laid with the drop of her knickers and she has been doing exactly that before and since we broke up. How she thinks we can still salvage something obviously comes from her need to control me and know im still there as a source of supply. Well that supply is well and truely cut.

She has ripped me apart to the core and im not sure how im managing to function.

Scary thing is, although i think and feel this was the final discard i get the horrible feeling she hasnt finished with me and theres more to come.

Then, enjoy the downtime without her before she strikes again. I figure my ex will only approach me if she needs something again, and that can very well be getting bored with the new roommate that moved in mid-May. It happened with her other roommates. Eventually, she only has judgmental comments about them.

Now ive reread that back as well as your post, i have reminded myself she can only come back for another bite if i allow her.

I have the power to stop this dont i?

As well as reading this i spoke with someone at work and said im having an off day. I havent even spoken with my ex today and i found myself letting her have power over me in my work place where i could feel myself bubbling up.

I can stop this and i can keep my power. How do i do that?

DazeedD40 we seem to be both at a very similar place right now.

Like you, I went back in and took another sip of the poison.  I have been lied too, cheated on and treated like his object that he can play with whenever he feels empty or bored. 

I am now on day four NC.  I have been feeling more angry this time than sad.  Which is good because when I'm sad, I am in a much weaker head space and more likely to listen to his BS and take him back.  He will be in the process soon, of working out his next tactic, lie, to reel me back.

He has nearly destroyed my self respect.  It's hard to respect myself, considering how much I have allowed him to get away with, and I've always swept it under the carpet and made excuses in my own mind which allowed me to believe in him.  Not this time. 

I feel a bit different at the moment.  I'm not sure if it's the anger, but I feel a little bit stronger than I've ever felt before with him.

This time, I don't want to hear from him.  I usually crave that.  The love and attraction I have for him is still there, that I know will not go away overnight.  But I can see, for those brief moments of believing we have the perfect relationship, I then have to pay dearly for the rest of the time, via cheating, lying, disappearing acts and always walking on eggshells, so I don't upset him and a general sense of, even when I think I'm happy, feeling insecure.  Always worried that I might upset him or say something wrong.  I don't want to live like that anymore. 

I hope I can give you some strength, and maybe you can give me some too.  We can do this!

Dreamer Girl you are right we are in the same place. I remeber recently trying to offer you words of support when the charming was happening to you and i took great stregnth from what you were posting about but then, i allowed myself to get charmed right back in only to allow her her final dicard moment where she let rip and told me about all the lies and cheating.

Im so angry too although i can feel i need to allow that to come out in a calm manner as opposed to kicking the hell off. Thats hard, i want to tell her everything im feeling but theres no point, it acts as a source of ammusment for her to see me like that and she gets off on it.

She can f&*k and die for all i care right at this minute.

Strange thing to say seeing as i love her but as ive learnt, love isnt enough anymore.

DazedD40 I know how hard this is, I'm right there with you.

I did the same, I allowed him to charm me back.  But, I truly believe I wasn't quite at the end, the end of the dream that I had built up, four years ago, and which he also contributed too... but his was mostly in words, he is very good at words, and now when I look back at the actions of love in our relationship, he really hasn't shown a lot of action.  And when I think about how he has treated me, by lying and cheating behind my back, then lying to me that it didn't happen, even though I know it did, I can't help but say... .Is that the sort of love that I want?... .No, I deserve an honest and loving man, and you also deserve the same.

I know I wanted to call and text mine last night and tell him exactly what I am thinking, tell him to go to hell and much more than that.  But, I thankfully stopped myself.  Because I remember how much joy he got, years ago from his ex girlfriend who did that.  And he labelled her the Crazy Stalker!   

Mine has not only been cheating but tapping in to old sources of supply in the shape of two of her ex boyfiriends. She's lining one up as the new partner due to his wealth as he can provide her with financial stability. Muppet has been drawn back in to it as well and this was happening whilst we were still together. Shes been stalking me on social media sites and advised she wants to sleep with my next girlfriend/s and claims we will never be done and this is all part of our relationship evolving. Hmm let me think about that for a second hahaha...

I finally saw behind the mask! She scares the living daylights out of me now. Ive been sleeping with the devil.