BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

I am new on this site. Have been reading a lot of the stories and can relate to a lot of it.

Basically my story is that about one year ago, I started chatting to this very attractive girl who I was connected to on Facebook. I realised she was in a relationship from her status but still engaged her (my issue to look at) and she engaged in return. I live in London and she was living in Los Angeles at the time with her then boyfriend of 4 years.

After some flirtatious messages, we agreed to meet in New York and that is when it all started. This was June of last year. This is when I felt the very strong chemistry and sexual attraction and she played the victim of the current relationship she was in (with a strong narcissist) and how she has been checked out emotionally of the relationship but is still in it (that was the first red flag there!). How her ex supposedly was unfaithful and that is what caused her to emotionally check out of the relationship. She had tried to leave to relationship on several occasions apparently, only for her ex to scoop her back in.

Anyway from that night onwards we each went back to our own cities but the "babies" and "I love you's" intensified over the next few months. Throughout that time, as her bf was out of town for a couple of months, she basically moved out of the apartment she lived in with him, packed his stuff in storage and got herself a new apartment in an area which I told her was my favorate (Chameleon effect). I noticed the red flags from the begin gin but chose to ignore them. Lack of sense of self and personality, lack of friends, excessive drinking, constant drama with people in her life, etc

I was seen as her savior and everything I said was gold. She came and spent weeks at a time in London, where her family lives, and I would go visit her repeatedly. The first 2/3 months were amazing. Throughout the relationship she would openly tell me she was still in touch with her ex. I was lacking the strong boundaries to put my foot down, and every time I would tell her this was not fair and would make me feel very uncomfortable, she said she needs time to let him go, etc etc that never happened. Basically for the whole 8 months we were together, I was constantly on edge as her ex was in the same city as her and I was all the at on the other side of the world. Am
Convinced she was two timing us. At the same time she would post twisted messages on her Instagram to rub it in her ex's face that she was moving on. That was another red flag I chose to ignore. According to her she was doing it so that her ex would get the hint. Now I realise she was doing it to hurt him intentionally.

A few months on, the arguments in our long distance relationship started to increase. That is when she asked for a break, and said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but needed 3 months on her own as she had never been singly. It felt like a 12 year old speaking as I knew that someone asking for something like this is not realistic. A break usually means a break up. As the next month went by, my birthday came up and I decided to throw a big party in London which I invited her to. She said she couldn't come because she had to attend her best male friend's wedding in Las Vegas. Mind you this was whilst we were on a break which SHE requested. I invited a bunch on male friends and girls. One of the girls posted a picture on Instagram of her and a bunch of her friends at my party which she came across. The next day I sent her a message telling her she was missed at the party. That is when she basically painted me black.

We briefly spoke over the next few weeks where I was trying to express my love to her, at which point she told me she was seeing someone and it was casual. I asked her what happened to our "plans", and that threw her into rage as she blamed everything on my birthday night etc etc Next thing you know she has been parading around Europe this summer with this broken divorced guy who is wealthy and likes to party like her, whilst I am at home grieving the loss of this relationship.

She left her 4 year relationship in a heart beat. That should have been a huge red flag. She left me like that as well. I kept asking her how she can detach so easily? Wasn't what we had real? She said in a cold hearted voice "I guess this is just the way my emotions work".

Of course I keep asking myself whether the relationship with this new person will last, because he is showing her such a good time, taking her to all these hot destinations and showering her with gifts. Then I realise they are empty souls and nothing will be enough for them.

Another major red flag is that she had major anger issues with her father. She told me her father used to cheat on her mother and her mother used to confide in her as a kid. This led to her to eventually take on the avusiver father figure in her life and repeat the same cycles in relationships with me. She kept saying she saw her mother as weak because she was overly emotional.

I want to know how long her affair new long distance realationship with this broken guy will last. Do you think the fact that he is showing her such a good time during the summer will change her outlook and the length of the honeymoon phase?

Hi Edward-

Your story is very familiar around here, and not only did the relationship traverse the common phases you'll see often on this site, it was long distance, which is difficult and doesn't help yes?


Well now there's some honesty anyway.


Hard to say, if anything these relationships are unpredictable, although they do follow the pattern of idealization followed by devaluation, on differing timeframes.

So what's the goal?  Everything started with you meeting someone on Facebook who was in a long term relationship and over 5000 miles away.  Just read that objective description of the events.  If it was someone else, would you consider her "available" given that description?  What about the girls at your party, who are in London?  No judgement, I've been there, and that may be a place to start your processing of what happened.  And on top of that, borderlines have a way of getting deep into our psyche, sounds like you noticed, for their own reasons, and at this point it may be best to look at your side, how you got where you got, what beliefs were around it, what need she fulfilled in you that is making her an obsession.  And again, what's the goal?

Thanks for your response fromheeltoheal.

I have been in deep therapy for over 4 years now and I know exactly why I got involved with this girl. She had a lot of similar traits to my father, who is an emotionally unavailable narcissist and I was trying to subconsciously recreate my childhood hoping for a different outcome. In fact I even told her that she had a lot of traits similar to my father. She was very cold, not the very affectionate type, and could hardly let her guards down.

Also towards the end I was doing some research into her social media and I noticed that she had a lot of lesbian girls following her and she was liking a lot of their pictures. I questions her sexuality towards the end because I was trying to find reasoning as to how she could simply abandon the relationship like that after speaking about marriage, etc. She obviously laughed that off, but I am convinced that she has been messing around with both girls and guys. I could see it in the male energy she carries.

Anyway, the point is she is now parading around Europe with this new guy. These were plans which we were supposed to do together and this is why I am finding it excruciatingly painful. I am sitting here whilst she is parading around with her new host. They have been together for 3 months now. I also peaked into her ex's Instagram (the guy before me) and noticed that she is still posting on his wall and triangulating him without him even being aware of her actions. I think one of the reasons she ran from me is because I started questioning a lot of her behaviour, the ongoing contact with the ex, who probably defines a lot of her existence (lack of self) and thus why she can't let go. So she went for fresh meat, someone who knows nothing about the situation and who she can toy with.

Please let me know your thoughts. Obviously at this stage getting in touch with her would only cause more pain and would be a huge risk I am not willing to take. Part of me is hoping she gets in touch with me.

Good awareness Edward, and good for you for working with a therapist and identifying the connection between your father and this gal.


Seems that part of you is that empty place your father didn't fill yes?  Many of us here describe our feelings after the relationship ends as more of an addiction than "love", that impulse and drive to chase something we've always felt we didn't get.  And to a borderline, someone who needs to attach to someone else to feel whole, and is very good at it, you looked and sounded susceptible to that attachment, and you were.

So now what?  One of the gifts of a relationship with a borderline is the spotlight they can shine on issues we may not have known we had, or in your case you were aware and they'll still there, so how can you use this?  What can you learn from this experience that will help you moving forward?  How can you fill that space in you on your own, so you aren't dependent on someone else doing it?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

This girl is off with someone else and she lives a long way from you, so not only is a continued relationship with her unlikely, and not a way to get your emotional needs met anyway, it isn't difficult to remove her from your life, except for the representation of her in your head, which you can change.  Borderlines hate to lose attachments though, it's the worst thing that could happen, so she could likely reach out to you, whenever, to see if an emotional attachment is still in place.  Are you prepared for that?  If you give her any indication an attachment is still in place she will keep trying, and off the races you go again, triggered with your own stuff, so best to steel yourself for that, then again she may never contact you, and best to use this as an opportunity to go further in your own healing and issue resolution, so whatever she does just won't matter.  Take care of you!

I don't she will come back as she has a middle eastern background with a huge ego. And from what I read, the BPD population hang onto their egos as that is pretty much all they have. Let me know your thoughts.

If she does come back, I would tel her she either enters therapy and acknowledges her issues or she can forget about any form of relationship. 

Even through I have to say I think about the sex a lot. It's like I am obsessed with thoughts of us having sex. And then I imagine her with this other guy and it drives me up the walls. That I was just a number in this ordeal, probably like a bunch of guys before me and that this whole thing was a lie.

I have been no contact for 6 weeks. Last time I heard from her she texted me because she was in London from New York for a few days visiting her family before going off to some wedding with the replacement. I told her that I don't think it's a good idea we see each other and that she should focus on her new relationship. Her answer was "Ok, your call." As if she was doing me a favor to try and meet up. Crazy stuff.

Hi Edward1981

*welcome*

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate to your feelings of pain. I had a LDR, too, and the ending felt devastating. You are clearly very aware of your own relationship patterns, but that doesn't stop the hurt when you experience a loss like this. That was definitely my experience.

You've found a great community of people who understand what you are going through. Things really do get better, but as you've noticed, breaking up with someone with BPD is not like a "normal" breakup. For me, it brought up many issues from my past that I hadn't been feeling.

This article was one of the most helpful things I read at the beginning of my journey to recovery:  Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)

Let me know what you think if you have time to check it out.

Was your gf diagnosed, Edward1981? Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on right now?

Keep writing, we're here to support you through this.  

heartandwhole

Thanks for your response heartandwhole. This was one the first articles I read and it was very helpful.

I only speak to a one friend who has been with a BPD before and with my therapist because unless you understand the disorder, most people will tell you "just get over it".

I keep ruminating daily about her and her new relationship. It is mentally exhausting. I hope it gets better with time.

Sort of.  BPD is a shame-based disorder, and borderlines continually fear both abandonment and engulfment.  A way to deal with that is take on narcissistic traits and be in control of the emotional distance in the relationship, both of which are reactionary to the underlying issues.  And if she won't discuss with you what's really going on with her, there wasn't any true intimacy there, yes?


And an obsession with sex is different than a broken heart because you lost someone you were in love with right?  The best way to fight something is not fight it, create something new.  You might ask yourself how can you live within your values and populate your life with empowering people, so that you're so busy creating an awesome life that she isn't on your mind and just fades into the past.  Rumination is standard behavior as we detach, and won't last forever, however you can minimize it and eliminate it faster by consciously shifting the focus from her to you and from the past to the future; what does an ideal future look like for you?

Edward1981
Although ex go’s on holiday the sun isn’t shining for her.

People with BPD suppresses loss, any emotional loss as they learned to split in good and bad instantly.
Instantly to protect themselves. Pain causes so much more grieve that it must be avoided.

As a child these personalities hided in a fantasy world with no pain, make believe worlds
As adults they are free and seek instant satisfaction to avoid that pain again.
Most of that impulsivity as known for pwBPD are have deep roots and are a coping mechanism.

Imagine to see an adult with the emotional mind of a 4-6 yr. old.
Doing anything to be happy… just playing around, no burden, nothing to worry about. 
Please try to comfort yourself with that thought, pwBPD don’t grieve like we do.

You mention sex. Well that is normal, it was a way of expressing tenderness and love.
Many talk about the best sex they ever had with the former partner and ruminate about that too.

Please it is relative, it means you were ‘just’ compatible .
Not, for example, one showing tenderness and the other one who needs SM, most likely it won’t be compatible.

Give yourself time

Thanks for your response Dutched.

I guess in my eyes I am viewing as them on holiday, to the place where I was supposed to take her, having a good time, whilst I am here trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. I suppose my analogy is probably not very accurate and I am looking at it from my point of view.

So Dutched you think she is actually having a good time in the present just like a child would, or is she actually in some sort of emotional pain? From what i read they detach from pain, so they can't feel joy?

The pain of BPD is always there its just less when they are doing good in a relationship. The replacement is distracting her from the pain but it is and will always be there. This is just what I think.

Time difference between continents…  :)

Agree with SoMadSoS

What you are saying Edward1981 that they can’t feel joy is not correct

Your know your ex as she was, joyful, sad and mood swings, just as normal a every human shows.
That is how your ex is and will be with that ‘replacement’, for the time being anyway…, same as with you.

Now, after that break up with you, ex needs to fill a void in order to suppress pain.
True or not, in the mind of pwBPD you are the one responsible for that pain.
You are seen as ‘the bad parent that caused pain’, and fleeing was the only solution in order to avoid that bad.
 (Therefore when you reach out, you will be seen as the persecutor).

An attachment is needed (and temporarily it could have been a pet, could have been a their kid) and ex found one.
That one is attractive, suits and will be idealised (as you were) to have a great time.
Ex feels being loved, admired, etc. as in fact any new r/s will evolve like that
PwBPD feel very intense of being in love, feel very intense being loved.
It’s the universal ‘you are the best ever happened to me’, however beneath there is that pain.
PwBPD carries their pain with them for life, bringing it into each r/s which will cause that specific dynamics and drama until it ends.

 

Just to say I read your letter.
As far as I could because it made me feel sick.

If you want to control BPD... .it controls you!

You've got a good moderator here and people who know what you talk about.

All the best.

@ Zonnebloem   

I respectfully don’t agree that BPD controls us
 (btw, you seems to use BPD, maybe a typo)

BPD controls pwBPD, although they don’t know, as nothing is wrong with them from their point of view.
It is who the person is, how the person sees him/her self.
As we see ourselves in a certain way, but capable to have more self-reflection.
Maybe, once they hit rock bottom and are hospitalised or so, then some thoughts will occur.
The more High Functioning pwBPD are the more in denial, even when others see strange behaviour.

Mentioning self reflection. When you feel that BPD controls you in your relationship, then the advise to dig deep into yourself.   

A fly in the spiders web.
What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly

The replacement she is with is someone rich who is showing her all the "good things in life". My fear is that because of this, and because her leaving as left me with shame and insecure about myself, that they relationship will last longer because he is showering her with all the finer things. Like right now, they are in the South Of France and the guy is pulling out all his cards to impress her. Do you think this will keep her in the relationship longer or does the disorder win regardless and it's a matter of time?

 Edward1981

You know her, if she is very receptive for gifts, expensive items, etc., than it could last longer.
You don’t know that guy (I assume), but impressing a new gf is normal, you did it too…

Down to earth. It all comes down to compatibility and it is all ‘maybe’
You know how low or high functioning she is. How well she puts up a façade, etc.
You know yourself, you accepted a lot, but started to wonder. 
You don't know what 'the replacement' will accept... .

At one of the main pages you find “How a PBD relationship evolves”, it is worthwhile to read...
 
Now try to concentrate on you! YOU are important!
You are searching for rational explanation in this stage of grieve. That is normal, let it, is why you are here.
Grieve, cry and then have a walk.
Fulfil that need, then one day you will realise about BPD (despite all you lost!):

   You didn’t cause it – you can’t control it – you can’t cure it 

A man suffers the most from the fear he fears

Hi Edward1981,

The fact that she is with someone who can show her the "finer things in life" doesn't necessarily mean anything about the length of the relationship, how healthy it is, how much joy your ex is experiencing, etc. I know how hard it is to let go, and the obsessive thinking is part of the grieving process.

You have experienced a big loss and recovery is difficult and painful. These kinds of breakups are compared to opiate/drug addiction withdrawals (https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up)—that takes a lot of energy and courage to get through. We're here for you.

What can you do today to help calm the ruminating, Edward1981? Can you spend some time with friends or indulge in a hobby that requires some concentration? Also, reframing your thoughts about what is happening with your ex can help:Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head' (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.0)

heartandwhole

I guess the angry part of me wants revenge and I want the relationship to crash and burn. But then again, that will not wake her up. She will probably move on to the next host... .

She is currently in a relationship with this new guy, and has triangulated her ex of 4 years (the guy she left for me). I am getting these urges to reach out to her, especially knowing that she is currently in Europe, close to me.

But I know this would be giving my power away. This Sunday will be 7 weeks of NC. What do you guys think I should do?

Do BPD's respect you for standing your ground and not giving into their games? I guess am looking for some type of validation from her. Or the fact that I didn't participate in her triangle has made her paint me black?

Start shifting the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, an awesome future you'd love to live, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.


And if you do shift your focus, whether she respects you or not won't matter.  :)uring the idealization phase you were perfect, during the devaluation phase you were zero, so validation from her is unreliable, which is the good news really, we get to figure out how to validate ourselves, more powerful that way, and we need not be dependent on anyone else for validation.

Well that's the problem. Right now I seem to be obsessed about how the relationship with her and the new guy is going. Am thinking maybe he is showing her a better time than I was, it's crazy making 

You are in deep pain looking for answers and, understandably, advice.
You were given really good advise and gained knowledge of how pwBPD think and act.  

However you focus on her, only on her as you are in a sort or denial stage.
That’s where you want to sooth your unbelief, of reaching out of finding ways for reconciliation.

One word:  :)ON’T
Two words: BAD IDEA
Three words: FOCUS ON  YOU

Now start asking yourself some serious questions while re reading what you wrote:
 
“I have been in therapy for over 4 yrs. A woman very similar my father. She was very cold not the affectionate type and could hardly let her guards down”
= so you know what it did to your wellbeing, don’t you?
= so do you want it repeated in your future? Being bullied, questioning your self esteem?  
Further:  “questioning her sexuality – convinced of having messed around with boys and girls”

How many BF’s did she have before you / how long did it last?
How did she break up? I remember you’re saying in a heart beat before…
You mentioned that she triangulated with previous BF’s
What did she do, rubbing in to her ex that she had a wonderful time with you? Correct?
Please fill in the rest…

So my friend we take a leap to the future.
Is this a kind of r/s you want, your beloved one that splits you black in a blink of an eye, even for some futilities?
Blaming her decisions on you => birthday party
Would you like to be in a r/s with a partner that shows these trait of Cluster B?
Can you handle this, are you strong enough to use day in day out techniques to canalize her behaviour?

Trust, can you trust her ‘unconditionally’… can you? Can you as you already questioned her sexuality and having many sexual contacts… Suddenly faithful in your r/s… ?  

Future… kids? “how mothers spread Borderline”… at least they will be faced with some consequences

Will there be a deep friendship and love that motivates both of you to act as a team for the benefit of a mutual future together?
 
As I wrote before about reaching out:
YOU are the cause of her pain! (THAT is how her mind works…).
ANY attempt to reach out confirms her that you are indeed the persecutor, the bad parent…

Above all a wisdom quote from used many many times on this board:
   Their past behaviour predicts their future behaviour

Briefly of what I experienced. High school lovers, 30+ yrs together.
At age 18, exw had her first uncontrollable outburst and broke up, better dumped, in a blink of an eye her family. No contact for about a decade. Many yrs. behaviour seemed to be dormant. Later, even a futility as not going for a Sunday walk with her, was a justification to break up in a blink of an eye a 25yrs. … The final outburst, well exw left “temporarely”… as she said.  

Coping, to flee (break up) when their emotions overwhelms them, flee as a survival instinct  
Your ex behaved similar…  didn’t she?
One difference however, you are forewarned and have the benefit of a worldwide source and this wonderful board...

And, sorry for this one(!) she moved on… that is what she said and seems to be doing.  
You seems to be young, so concentrate on healing yourself and in time find a good woman to built a worthwhile lasting future with.

Relax for now and make an appointment with your T again  

I felt this way earlier today but then I started to think of it like this: I am going through withdrawal from addiction to my ex. Plus I now believe she never loved me so all I can do is try and love mylself.

And an obsession is a hyper-focus on one thing, the solution being to focus on something else, specifically the amazing future you're building for yourself, and what you need to do RIGHT NOW to make that happen.

And if the obsession is too strong, you just can't shift your focus right now, then a healthy distraction will work, something that supports you and also doesn't make the situation worse.  Spending time with other people is great for that, as is going somewhere radically different from your normal routine.  Got any ideas?

Hi Edward1981,

I'd like to echo fromheeltoheal. What do you do for self care?

Thanks a lot for your replies everyone.

I guess I am at a stage where I still hold a lot of anger and misplaced anger can turn into obsession. Perhaps I should look at processing that anger in healthy ways.

I keep having flashbacks of the moments we had together where we would talk for hours and hold each other. My brain is in shock that during this whole time she was probably experiencing the relationship in a very different way that I was. This is what I have a hard time accepting. And now she is in the hands of another, idealising. I miss that. It is extremely painful to accept that she is able to move on so quickly whilst I valued this relationship very highly. I feel like for her maybe I was one of the bunch of guys she did this to. For me she was one out of a million. What a difficult reality to accept. I have tears in my eyes as I write this because of the injustice of it all.

It is painful that I can't reach out to her and tell her how much I miss those parts of the relationship and know that she won't be able to reciprocate it or that she is now miles ahead in a whole different state of mind. This has triggered my abandonment issues in a very powerful way.

Perhaps she came into my life for a reason. I am addressing some abandonment issues which she brought to the surface. I am still in a dream state where she will call me and tell me she misses me and what we had... .I know. Wishful thinking... .

Mutt,

For self care I exercise, do some therapy and try and distract myself by going on short holidays with friends. But my mind is always on her at the moment. This is the way it is. Perhaps I just need to do time so it's trick and sit with the pain for a while. Accept it.

Nice Edward!  Run with that.

I understand that you want to go through the pain and not take the long way around. I find that going to the gym and working out clears my mind, it elevates my mood and I feel less tense and relaxed.

 

Hello Dutched,

 I do like chatting to you:

True: "What is normal for the spider in its web, is chaos for the fly."

thanks to remind me... .I feel hurt to tell "my" BPD (I am Dutchspeaking)
that he cannot just come back to me after his one month holiday with his daughters as if he never heard me saying that things would be over if he does so. Ok ... .I put it "Black and white now but of course it isn't"... .a lot of arguing and pain have gone over this matter. I didn't realise him having BPD at that time. It only came to my mind as he left to travel with his daughters.
 As you say... .it hurts enough to see (I see it, and the family has probably gotten used to it?) that he has found a replacement for his pain in adoring and being slave of his daughter (16) and many more members of his family, 4 kids etc.

I feel pain too... .he once asked me if he had to feel this PAIN for the rest of his life.
Sad. I also wonder if I'll Always have to put up with this sadness in me that, as I can tell, many other people don't see to have... .

I can feel grattitude for what I have, yes.

Hi everyone,

This is the situation. I am following her in social media and I am seeing that she is still contact of the ex (the guy she left for me) but is also liking the pictures of the guy she left me for.

I have a strong urge to send her a message and get involved again. I seem to want to reconnect and her affirmation. The addiction has kicked in. The ex flew to New York and is in the same place as her. Am sure they have reconnected. We dated for 8 months, they were together for 4 years.

Please advise.

Thank you!

For what purpose Edward?  What's the goal?

The goal is that I want that attention again. I want to know that could not have possibly just gotten over me like I don't exist.

It's like a part of me wants to be part of the drama again. Like an addiction. I want to win her love.

I feel left out in that love triangle? Make sense? Or maybe I have just turned crazy... .

 

Better get some sleep!

Sleep heals too!

Good night all of you!

Well, you can certainly do that if that's what you want.  And if she exhibits significant traits of the disorder we can tell you how that will end, and it won't be good, but if you must do it, then do it.


Someone who lacks the ability to soothe their own emotions, like they're turned up to 10 all the time, is going to develop psychological tools to be able to live with herself.  It's not that you don't exist, it's that feeling the feelings around her relationship with you is too painful or at least too emotional, so she uses the tools to not feel them.  And she's been practicing her entire life so she's good at it.


Is it love or is it an addiction?  Love is a warm, mellow feeling, an addiction is intense, an urge, a compulsion.  And can you win someone's 'love' by chasing an addiction?


No not crazy, you've just had your own stuff triggered by a borderline, which is either a curse or it's the gift of the relationship, because of the growth it inspired within us.  But first we need to get off the roller coaster, whenever we're ready.

 


Edward... .stop folowing her on social media? What is the goal? the result is PAIN.

I am having a hard time letting go of her, that's why am still following her on social media. I am still with the hope that she will come back. But then I think to myself she didn't experience the same attachment as me and that kills me.

Contacting her will only feed her ego and will not give me what I need. Am very confusing.

I think to myself does she ever think of me? I posted a picture about 10 days ago which she liked, and so did a bunch of other girls. The next day she unliked my picture. Not sure what the point of that was. I still go through times where I compulsively want to get in touch with her. It's crazy.

So is it safe to say the relationship you thought you had with her didn't exist?  In which case what you're missing has nothing to do with her, except for the way she fit into your version of the relationship in your head?

Perhaps it is safe. Unless she did experience parts of it like me but because I have done a lot of work on myself, and clearly still have a way to go, she couldn't handle the fact that I was pushing her to go to therapy... .I guess that is the moment of truth.

So if she went to therapy, and "fixed" what was "broken", then she would see things your way and then you'd be in the same relationship?

It's a good point. Thanks for that. Therefore I was attracted to her because of her dysfunction is what you are saying, that's my work. Had she not had the dysfunction, perhaps I would not have gone for her?

No, what I'm asking is, did you know on some level that you weren't on the same page, and you'd done a lot of work on yourself, and if she'd just do that work too, then you could create the relationship with her that you saw in your head?

Yes I knew that. I did go in there with the "am gonna save you" syndrome. She did acknowledge that something was off. We were in the long distance relationship with me in London and her in LA, also with her family being based in London.

She did attend 3 therapy sessions in London as I pushed her to do so but then never continued. I feel like perhaps I was being a little too pushy with her with the whole therapy thing and my fixing syndrome, and perhaps that pushed her away. The next guy I don't think has done the same type of deep therapy as I have and has issues of his own. He was perhaps an easier target to manipulate. She knew I was not gonna left her off the hook. But sometimes I say to myself, if I was not so pushy wouldn't have that have come naturally from her if I layer off a bit. I feel guilt about that at times.

So if she wouldn't do the work to "fix" herself, wouldn't it be easier to let her go and eventually start a relationship with someone who doesn't need to be "fixed"?  Or was it your desire to fix and rescue someone that attracted you to her in the first place?

I think you are right. The fact that she made me feel like her saviour elevated my ego and this got me hooked into the relationship.

I have a question. I believe she is now secretly seeing the guy whom she was dating for 5 years before me, who pretty much defines her existence because of her lack of self, but is also seeing the guy she left me for. She is having a hard time letting go of the ex who she was with longest. What eventually happens in that relationship? Because I guess without him she does not know who she is. Does that just go on indefinitely?

Borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that could happen, a replaying of that earliest attachment they failed to successfully detach from, the conditions that created the disorder to begin with.  So if the old guy and the new guy are both indicating to her there's an emotional attachment in place, she will continue trying to retain those attachments.  She may show up in your world at some point too; she may be too busy with other attachments or too consumed with shame when it comes to you right now, but that may change and you may show up on her radar as someone who can soothe emotions she can't soothe on her own, "rescue" her again, and if she does it will typically be as if nothing ever happened between you, another idealization phase, which will be shorter than the last.  The only one to sever the attachment permanently is you.

Goes back to what's the goal.  Personally I have no room for such chaos and instability in my life anymore, I've learned the lessons and have moved on, but for a long time I hadn't, I understand.

 

Could it be that chasing her became a sport? Would you be too bored if you'd let go?
Do you realy realy realy want her back with everything you know?
What is you goal?

I wouln't, I don't, holding on is a sort of addiction.

True... you seem young enough to be able to find a nicer relationship.

You must realise that you play with your health. Nobody is worth that.
It seems like a game, Are you bad at losing games? Can you accept a loss?
Is your health well and truely worht doing what you do for someone you do not even want anymore? If she stood next to you... .now... would you be able to love her? How long for? Is the energy that you spend chasing her worh all this?

I hope you can say: "Forgive them because they don't know what they do."
Cannot imagine you fancy having kids with her?
Take your loss and... .try to be happy or is it just so much easier to be unhappy and blame to that all on her? If don't follow her, you can do things that can make you happy. Why are you afraid to be happy?
Get a life.

They say if there the recycling type then only you can cut the ties,however in my experience that's not true,my ex and I recycled 4 times but this time she has a replacement and she's completely disappeared from my life,nc almost a month.

 
Hello Xstang77

That doesn't mean that you cut the ties? a month seems not much to me.
I haven't seen "my BPD" for one month and it still seems like yesterday... .
Because I think too much in the past, with him.

Anyhow... over here it is midnight and I'm off to sleep.
I Always ask my angelguard to give me wise and good sleep/dreams.
Some dreams are very helpfull to feel detached from what keeps me unhappy.

hey, I posted on my fb not my problem anymore when she posted pictures of her and another guy who she's now in a relationship with not even 4 days after being intimate and lovey with me,she messaged me "so what's good with your status?" That was on the 6th and I never replied in my experience that's not enough to cut ties with her,this is the longest we've ever gone without contact in the 2 years we've known each other,so I guess In my mind I wouldn't count that as enough to cut ties especially after all we've been through,just feels to me that she's found a new host to feed off of and I'm probably not even a spec in her memory,what's your opinion?

 

Hello Xstang,

 You were 2 years "together" so I jou must be in her memory.
You do well not to anwser on what she posts.
You seem like a good gay with his head screwed on.

So, in the end, she is the one that looses.

do you care if she is in your memory? Can you fill your life without her?
Can you move on and concider it a memory?

I'm working on filling my life without her,I guess in my case though she had no issue finally cutting our tie/attachment now that she has someone new,guess I just found it odd compared to what most people say.

*mod*

This thread has reached its posting limit. Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.